Would like your opinions please

[CJ2008]

I have a
-Visitor scheduled to come in a week for a week
-I hate visitors - and find anything more than 3 days pretty hard to take. But it's family (on DH's side) and DH and I compromised on one week (I kept pushing for 5 days but in the end I kind of felt like I couldn't say no)
-I have an awkward relationship with this person - so although i have't seen them in a while I have a feeling it may still continue to be awkward. And since I work mostly from home it amplifies anything unpleasant about having someone in the house
-DH and I are not getting along lately so this doesn't help

I have a chance to stay at a friend's house because she happens to be going away. I am very, very tempted to do this - (at least for a few days). I want to kind of hide under a rock to begin with so it might do me good regardless.

Is this like a crazy thought to even consider? My logical side of me says "suck it up and deal with this" - my emotional side says "go for it"

I am sure DH will be disappointed if I don't just stay and make the best of it.

Is this crazy for me to even be thinking about doing? (so you are going to leave your house??) Or is this sensible for me to do?

 

[kenny]

It depends.
If you will be completely knocked off your bicycle then stay in the other house.

I'd do some brainstorming and make one list with two columns, pros and cons of staying home with the guest.
Then make another list of the pros and cons of camping out in your friends house.

I think seeing these on paper will help gel a decision in your mind.
It will also help you prepare and brace yourself for this since each choice has some downsides.

 

[davi_el_mejor]

You work from home. So, make sure your guest knows that you are AT WORK, not a source of entertainment during the day. Let them know you'll be unavailable from 8-4 (or whatever your work day is).

Heck- make it a longer work day if you just don't want to interact with them

Or, you could work from your friends house during the day just to get some space and then deal with them when you get home.

 

[TooPatient]

You work from home. So, make sure your guest knows that you are AT WORK, not a source of entertainment during the day. Let them know you'll be unavailable from 8-4 (or whatever your work day is).

Heck- make it a longer work day if you just don't want to interact with them

Or, you could work from your friends house during the day just to get some space and then deal with them when you get home.

I like that idea if you're able to do that. You'd be able to get away for a bit without upsetting your DH or leaving your houseguest feeling slighted. If you just happen to have an hour or two of extra "work" each day to just chill and have some time to yourself, no one would have to know.
Do you have any REALLY good reason to maybe stay a night or two at the other house? Like maybe they've got animals who could "have a rough night and upset the neighbors with barking"? If you can come up with some reasonable excuse to be there, you might be able to justify a couple of nights.

I've got a couple of family members that I know FI does NOT get along well with. Thankfully, I don't get along with them either. There are a couple of people that he doesn't like being around that are less clear than the others. On the rare occasion we see them I expect FI to be pretty much there with me. I'd like to think that if he really didn't like the person that I'd be okay with him "having other prior engagements" but I do think I would be hurt. I'm also quite certain that your houseguest would see it as a personal insult and that your relationship with them (and quite probably your DH) would be further strained.

One thing to consider as you're deciding what to do is how you'd feel if your positions were swapped. If you had a family member coming to visit and your DH decided to go stay somewhere else, would you mind? Would you be upset with him?
If you were going to visit a friend and her DH decided to go somewhere else while you were in town, would you feel welcome? Would you enjoy your visit? How would your relationship with your friend be impacted?

Good luck!

 

[zoebartlett]

I was going to suggest working from your friend's home during the day if you think you'll be too distracted with your guest at your house. I'm not sure I'd do it but it's a way for you to get work done and check on your friend's house at the same time. Honestly though, if I was a guest at someone's house and I found out that one of the hosts was staying elsewhere overnight, I'd feel really uncomfortable. I'd wonder why and I might take it personally.

I know you don't like visitors but I guess I think this is one of those things you may need to deal with every once in a while. Not everyone may agree though. I'd ask your husband to take a day or two off work to spend time with your guest since a) it's a nice thing to do and he'd get to spend time with his relative, and b) you work from home, so if you choose not to go to your friend's house, you'll be able to focus at home while they're out.

 

[Enerchi]

oooh, that's rough and I can understand the dilemma - put up with someone who drives you out of your brain, or face the stress/wrath of an unhappy DH - especially if things are already on the ... 'uncomfortable' side of things. Its like you are between a rock and a hard place.

I was also going to suggest that a compromise of some days working from your friends house and some days working from yours - but with VERY CLEAR expectations that mon - fri, 9-5 (or whatever your hours are) you are WORKING, not entertaining/socializing/touring. And, if this is DH's family member, IMO, the onus is on HIM to entertain/socialize/tour the person around, not you. You can pick and chose an event or two to tag along to, but you don't need to be the main host. I don't think I'd stay over at your friends place - that could send a pretty intense message that may be hard to recover from down the road.

We had a relative who would invite themselves up and then sit and expect to be waited on hand and foot + entertained + we had small kids at the time. Um... *You* may be on a vacation, but you invited yourself into our home during our regular mon- fri routine and with kids/jobs/extra curricular activities, they don't stop because a visitor has chosen to plunk themselves down in your home! oh, I still get heated about that... but enough about me!

Its hard but at this point in your relationship if things are sketchy, I would not be putting up any barriers between you and DH and there may have to be some 'sucking it up' to get thru this. Any reward you can look forward to at the end (besides their departure!! ) - maybe a new outfit? new shoes? great bottle of wine and cheese the night they leave? theatre tickets for after? Just trying to come up with something to make the visit tolerable, knowing there is a treat waiting for you after!

Good luck, CJ!

 

[CJ2008]

It depends.
If you will be completely knocked off your bicycle then stay in the other house.

I'd do some brainstorming and make one list with two columns, pros and cons of staying home with the guest.
Then make another list of the pros and cons of camping out in your friends house.

I think seeing these on paper will help gel a decision in your mind.
It will also help you prepare and brace yourself for this since each choice has some downsides.

I think this is a great idea Kenny. I have a lot of the pros/cons swimming around in my mind but there is nothing like seeing them in black and white and spelled out...

 

[CJ2008]

You work from home. So, make sure your guest knows that you are AT WORK, not a source of entertainment during the day. Let them know you'll be unavailable from 8-4 (or whatever your work day is).

Heck- make it a longer work day if you just don't want to interact with them

Or, you could work from your friends house during the day just to get some space and then deal with them when you get home.

Thanks Davi.

DH explained already to the guest that we're both working during the day...but they're like THERE, you know? So it's never as easy to do in practice...

My friend's house is almost 2 hours away so if I went, it would make more sense to stay overnight...

 

[Missy]

CJ, I totally get how you feel because I am the same way. I dislike having guests stay for too long as it is exhausting (for me) emotionally especially if the person(s) isn't my favorite. Your situation is that much more difficult since you do not have a great relationship with this person to start with and the fact that you work from home means more time with the guest. So, I would definitely work from your friend's house. At least you would have peace and personal space for a good part of the day that way and it certainly is a reasonable alternative since you will be at "work" so to speak so understandable to your guest (and dh) hopefully.

Does your dh plan on being at home while your guest is visiting? It is his family after all and I certainly hope he doesn't expect you to be the hostess 24/7 especially because you are working too. This kind of thing would annoy me if I was in your shoes if my dh wasn't planning on taking control of the situation here since a. it is his family b. one you don't click with and c. a week is an awfully long stay IMO

Anyway, sending you good thoughts and hugs hoping the week goes quickly and painlessly!! And for goodness sake, take your friend up on her generous offer and spend as much time as you need at her place so you can get some respite from the situation...

 

[GemFever]

I really liked the idea of working from your friend's place, until I saw that it's a 2-hour drive one way. That's not realistic. Maybe you could go for one night, sometime in the middle of the week, to "check on your friend's house like you promised."

I completely sympathize with how straining it is to have a person in the house for a week. I'd be exhausted even if it was my best friend staying with me. That said... my sincere advice is not to get too worked up about it before hand. Maybe the person will surprise you and be polite and considerate. Maybe your relationship will improve. In any event, the week will pass by before you know it. Time always flies, even when it seems to be crawling when you are in the moment. But the impression you make on the guest, and more importantly -- on your DH... that will last for a while.

Good luck!

 

[CJ2008]

You work from home. So, make sure your guest knows that you are AT WORK, not a source of entertainment during the day. Let them know you'll be unavailable from 8-4 (or whatever your work day is).

Heck- make it a longer work day if you just don't want to interact with them

Or, you could work from your friends house during the day just to get some space and then deal with them when you get home.

I like that idea if you're able to do that. You'd be able to get away for a bit without upsetting your DH or leaving your houseguest feeling slighted. If you just happen to have an hour or two of extra "work" each day to just chill and have some time to yourself, no one would have to know.
Do you have any REALLY good reason to maybe stay a night or two at the other house? Like maybe they've got animals who could "have a rough night and upset the neighbors with barking"? If you can come up with some reasonable excuse to be there, you might be able to justify a couple of nights.

I've got a couple of family members that I know FI does NOT get along well with. Thankfully, I don't get along with them either. There are a couple of people that he doesn't like being around that are less clear than the others. On the rare occasion we see them I expect FI to be pretty much there with me. I'd like to think that if he really didn't like the person that I'd be okay with him "having other prior engagements" but I do think I would be hurt. I'm also quite certain that your houseguest would see it as a personal insult and that your relationship with them (and quite probably your DH) would be further strained.

One thing to consider as you're deciding what to do is how you'd feel if your positions were swapped. If you had a family member coming to visit and your DH decided to go stay somewhere else, would you mind? Would you be upset with him?
If you were going to visit a friend and her DH decided to go somewhere else while you were in town, would you feel welcome? Would you enjoy your visit? How would your relationship with your friend be impacted?

Good luck!

Good point Too Patient - I did think that if I did stay overnight I would have to come up with a really good reason that would not appear "questionable" (like a last-minute work seminar - or a job assignment, both of which are realistic for me).

The problem is that during an argument I let it out that I was considering going to my friend's house. Bad move on my part. The worst part is I think I was hoping he would tell the guest not to come or to come for less time, which I'm sure he would've found awkward to do, since it's been planned for a while.

I think if I've seen someone slight him like this person has done to me I might even encourage him to not be around or find reasons to stay away. But it's a very very "iffy" line - and I think even though he "understands" and he has always stood up for me and he really does go out of his way plan things so it's not all on me - he probably would be annoyed with me if I did it at this point in time, and I think you're right that it might drive us further away.

I am just so wanting to avoid what "might be" - I think this person will be "fake nice" - sometimes I also think they might want to "start over" and that's what she's going to attempt while she's here. But I feel resentful and perhaps I don't want to give her enough of a chance to do that...so I can see that there's some passive aggressiveness on my part by not wanting to be here the whole time.

I'm just not as motivated to deal with this "properly" like I would if DH and I were OK - I guess I have some resentments towards DH about this too - maybe I feel like it's an added stress we don't need to be dealing with right now.

But I do love DH...so I think I really need to write out those pros and cons and then have a conversation with him...

 

[CJ2008]

I was going to suggest working from your friend's home during the day if you think you'll be too distracted with your guest at your house. I'm not sure I'd do it but it's a way for you to get work done and check on your friend's house at the same time. Honestly though, if I was a guest at someone's house and I found out that one of the hosts was staying elsewhere overnight, I'd feel really uncomfortable. I'd wonder why and I might take it personally.

I know you don't like visitors but I guess I think this is one of those things you may need to deal with every once in a while. Not everyone may agree though. I'd ask your husband to take a day or two off work to spend time with your guest since a) it's a nice thing to do and he'd get to spend time with his relative, and b) you work from home, so if you choose not to go to your friend's house, you'll be able to focus at home while they're out.

Thanks Zoe.

I think I answer some of your questions / thoughts in my response to Too Patient...but yes, judging from how DH has handled visitors in the past, I am sure he is planning on some time off and even plans on doing things with the guest by himself out of the house to give me some peace and quiet...I just think it's all the different factors of what's going on right now is what makes it more difficult. But yeah, I know visitors happen (I needed the laugh right now)

 

[CJ2008]

oooh, that's rough and I can understand the dilemma - put up with someone who drives you out of your brain, or face the stress/wrath of an unhappy DH - especially if things are already on the ... 'uncomfortable' side of things. Its like you are between a rock and a hard place.

I was also going to suggest that a compromise of some days working from your friends house and some days working from yours - but with VERY CLEAR expectations that mon - fri, 9-5 (or whatever your hours are) you are WORKING, not entertaining/socializing/touring. And, if this is DH's family member, IMO, the onus is on HIM to entertain/socialize/tour the person around, not you. You can pick and chose an event or two to tag along to, but you don't need to be the main host. I don't think I'd stay over at your friends place - that could send a pretty intense message that may be hard to recover from down the road.

We had a relative who would invite themselves up and then sit and expect to be waited on hand and foot + entertained + we had small kids at the time. Um... *You* may be on a vacation, but you invited yourself into our home during our regular mon- fri routine and with kids/jobs/extra curricular activities, they don't stop because a visitor has chosen to plunk themselves down in your home! oh, I still get heated about that... but enough about me!

Its hard but at this point in your relationship if things are sketchy, I would not be putting up any barriers between you and DH and there may have to be some 'sucking it up' to get thru this. Any reward you can look forward to at the end (besides their departure!! ) - maybe a new outfit? new shoes? great bottle of wine and cheese the night they leave? theatre tickets for after? Just trying to come up with something to make the visit tolerable, knowing there is a treat waiting for you after!

Good luck, CJ!

Thanks Enerchi. I have to say, thank goodness I don't have anyone inviting themselves over.

Like I said to Zoe, my previous replies address some of the things you bring up here.

But yes, I do feel like it might put up additional barriers... especially if I do something like that without having a real heart to heart with him...

Usually my biggest reward is when they leave..but I like your idea of something more specific. Shopping, wine and cheese on the night they leave, and instead of theater tickets...a comedy club sounds nice.

 

[Enerchi]

I'm glad you are pondering this thoroughly. I think your DH sounds like he's trying to minimize the trauma to you and your relationship, so if he's moving forward, I guess it means you'll have to edge forward too... compromise on some things, talk it out ahead of time, plan some 'escape' options for both of you... Maybe the guest is also stressing about this and it may turn out far better than we are all imagining at the moment!

I hope it goes smoothly and if it hits a bump, you do have the fall back of work or a 'faux conference' to attend/prepare for! I like that back up!

And hey - it is PS after all - maybe a little stacker band should be your reward! Have you seen some of the amazing things Sarahbear is pulling off of eBay??? Check this out for a treat at the end of the week - may be you have the magical finger size that all of these are made for!! Hang in there CJ, we are here for you as moral support!!
[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/somebodys-gotta-buy-this-eternity-band.184161/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/somebodys-gotta-buy-this-eternity-band.184161/[/URL]

 

[CJ2008]

CJ, I totally get how you feel because I am the same way. I dislike having guests stay for too long as it is exhausting (for me) emotionally especially if the person(s) isn't my favorite. Your situation is that much more difficult since you do not have a great relationship with this person to start with and the fact that you work from home means more time with the guest. So, I would definitely work from your friend's house. At least you would have peace and personal space for a good part of the day that way and it certainly is a reasonable alternative since you will be at "work" so to speak so understandable to your guest (and dh) hopefully.

Does your dh plan on being at home while your guest is visiting? It is his family after all and I certainly hope he doesn't expect you to be the hostess 24/7 especially because you are working too. This kind of thing would annoy me if I was in your shoes if my dh wasn't planning on taking control of the situation here since a. it is his family b. one you don't click with and c. a week is an awfully long stay IMO

Anyway, sending you good thoughts and hugs hoping the week goes quickly and painlessly!! And for goodness sake, take your friend up on her generous offer and spend as much time as you need at her place so you can get some respite from the situation...

Missy - it is totally exhausting for me.

A week is an awfully long stay. For anybody. But especially someone I have an "iffy" relationship with.

He definitely will take control and try to plan - like he has done in the past - the thing is I've been in such avoidance mode every time he brings up this person coming I shut down, instead of what I should do which is to take a deep breath and say - OK - let's look at this day by day. What time will you be here this day? When will you be off? What do you plan on doing this day?

It all boils down to me talking with him instead of avoiding...

And thanks for the well wishes Missy.

 

[CJ2008]

I really liked the idea of working from your friend's place, until I saw that it's a 2-hour drive one way. That's not realistic. Maybe you could go for one night, sometime in the middle of the week, to "check on your friend's house like you promised."

I completely sympathize with how straining it is to have a person in the house for a week. I'd be exhausted even if it was my best friend staying with me. That said... my sincere advice is not to get too worked up about it before hand. Maybe the person will surprise you and be polite and considerate. Maybe your relationship will improve. In any event, the week will pass by before you know it. Time always flies, even when it seems to be crawling when you are in the moment. But the impression you make on the guest, and more importantly -- on your DH... that will last for a while.

Good luck!

Thanks Gem Fever.

I really appreciate your advice especially knowing you'd find a whole week exhausting as well.

My biggest responsibility and protection is to DH and my relationship with him...that has to come above all else (I have to say that the impression I make on the guest I am resisting caring about - see my reply to Too Patient if you want - but that WILL have a ripple effect on my relationship with DH, so that's what I need to focus on).

It keeps boiling down to the same thing after everyone's insight and advice...I need to move forward, not avoid, and have a talk with DH...

 

[Missy]

CJ, I totally get how you feel because I am the same way. I dislike having guests stay for too long as it is exhausting (for me) emotionally especially if the person(s) isn't my favorite. Your situation is that much more difficult since you do not have a great relationship with this person to start with and the fact that you work from home means more time with the guest. So, I would definitely work from your friend's house. At least you would have peace and personal space for a good part of the day that way and it certainly is a reasonable alternative since you will be at "work" so to speak so understandable to your guest (and dh) hopefully.

Does your dh plan on being at home while your guest is visiting? It is his family after all and I certainly hope he doesn't expect you to be the hostess 24/7 especially because you are working too. This kind of thing would annoy me if I was in your shoes if my dh wasn't planning on taking control of the situation here since a. it is his family b. one you don't click with and c. a week is an awfully long stay IMO

Anyway, sending you good thoughts and hugs hoping the week goes quickly and painlessly!! And for goodness sake, take your friend up on her generous offer and spend as much time as you need at her place so you can get some respite from the situation...

Missy - it is totally exhausting for me.

A week is an awfully long stay. For anybody. But especially someone I have an "iffy" relationship with.

He definitely will take control and try to plan - like he has done in the past - the thing is I've been in such avoidance mode every time he brings up this person coming I shut down, instead of what I should do which is to take a deep breath and say - OK - let's look at this day by day. What time will you be here this day? When will you be off? What do you plan on doing this day?

It all boils down to me talking with him instead of avoiding...

And thanks for the well wishes Missy.

You're very welcome CJ...We are very alike that way. I need to know all the details of every day too or else I would be anxious and stressing over all of it. It drives my dh crazy sometimes but I cannot just let it happen. I totally get what you are going through.

I didn't realize it was a 2 hour commute to your friend's house. That makes it much more difficult...ugh, wish I could offer some helpful advice. The way I would handle it would not be the way most people would I think. Truthfully though I wouldn't have been OK with them staying in the first place given the difficult relationship you have with them. My dh and I went through a very similar scenario a decade or so ago and after a few unhappy visits these particular family members no longer stay at our home. It was what we had to do for my sanity and peace of mind. They were truly awful guests. Treated us like a hotel and not very respectful of me in general. That relationship has changed for the better but believe me they are still not welcome to stay overnight let alone for a week.

Just sharing this with you because this is the only option that worked for me and my dh finally got it after all those years before. I feel (and this is my opinion only so not black and white for all couples) that the husband really needs to put his wife first and if it is causing you so much stress he needs to realize and consider that before inviting people you don't love to stay for a whole darn week. Sigh, hoping for a successful visit no matter how it goes down and also for you and your dh to work things out b/w the 2 of you. I also know how that feels and it's not fun. Sometimes it doesn't just rain it pours. Hoping the sun comes out very soon!!!!!

 

[CJ2008]

I'm glad you are pondering this thoroughly. I think your DH sounds like he's trying to minimize the trauma to you and your relationship, so if he's moving forward, I guess it means you'll have to edge forward too... compromise on some things, talk it out ahead of time, plan some 'escape' options for both of you... Maybe the guest is also stressing about this and it may turn out far better than we are all imagining at the moment!

I hope it goes smoothly and if it hits a bump, you do have the fall back of work or a 'faux conference' to attend/prepare for! I like that back up!

And hey - it is PS after all - maybe a little stacker band should be your reward! Have you seen some of the amazing things Sarahbear is pulling off of eBay??? Check this out for a treat at the end of the week - may be you have the magical finger size that all of these are made for!! Hang in there CJ, we are here for you as moral support!!
[URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/somebodys-gotta-buy-this-eternity-band.184161/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/somebodys-gotta-buy-this-eternity-band.184161/[/URL]

I'm trying Enerchi - I really do love DH and want to make sure that I consider every angle of this - on the surface it just seems like a "visitor issue" but there's more to it than that.

I actually had never thought of the conference as a backup - because I think mainly what I was trying to avoid is that FIRST and second day they're here - but yes, that helps actually, to know I can always bail if I have to.

And thanks for encouraging me to treat myself I like how you think!

 

[CJ2008]

Missy - it is totally exhausting for me.

A week is an awfully long stay. For anybody. But especially someone I have an "iffy" relationship with.

He definitely will take control and try to plan - like he has done in the past - the thing is I've been in such avoidance mode every time he brings up this person coming I shut down, instead of what I should do which is to take a deep breath and say - OK - let's look at this day by day. What time will you be here this day? When will you be off? What do you plan on doing this day?

It all boils down to me talking with him instead of avoiding...

And thanks for the well wishes Missy.

You're very welcome CJ...We are very alike that way. I need to know all the details of every day too or else I would be anxious and stressing over all of it. It drives my dh crazy sometimes but I cannot just let it happen. I totally get what you are going through.

I didn't realize it was a 2 hour commute to your friend's house. That makes it much more difficult...ugh, wish I could offer some helpful advice. The way I would handle it would not be the way most people would I think. Truthfully though I wouldn't have been OK with them staying in the first place given the difficult relationship you have with them. My dh and I went through a very similar scenario a decade or so ago and after a few unhappy visits these particular family members no longer stay at our home. It was what we had to do for my sanity and peace of mind. They were truly awful guests. Treated us like a hotel and not very respectful of me in general. That relationship has changed for the better but believe me they are still not welcome to stay overnight let alone for a week.

Just sharing this with you because this is the only option that worked for me and my dh finally got it after all those years before. I feel (and this is my opinion only so not black and white for all couples) that the husband really needs to put his wife first and if it is causing you so much stress he needs to realize and consider that before inviting people you don't love to stay for a whole darn week. Sigh, hoping for a successful visit no matter how it goes down and also for you and your dh to work things out b/w the 2 of you. I also know how that feels and it's not fun. Sometimes it doesn't just rain it pours. Hoping the sun comes out very soon!!!!!

Yes - we do seem very much like...it's so different than how most people are that when you hear someone else have very similar feelings it's comforting. Thank you so much - plus I love seeing your kitty in the blinds. (cats - they keep me sane).

I was not at all thrilled when I heard they wanted to visit (but honestly I feel that way every EVERY visitor - except for like 3 or 4 people, and even them I top out at 3 days). But I feel that because of my introverted nature that this is probably tough on DH too. So I also try to understand that from his perspective it's probably just as stressful / annoying etc that it's such a big deal every time someone wants to visit or that he can't just have people come. And thankfully we don't get many requests to visit so for this one I really did try to be more open...

But I did push hard for 5 days only...and I think underneath it all I feel resentful that we're doing 8 (I just counted them and it's 8 )

In some ways I think your situation would be easier for me to deal with because it's very CLEAR - they were rude, disrespectful to you etc. - this person has done little things to indicate they don't really care for me any more but nothing so horrible that I can feel justified to say "they're not coming here."

And thank you so much Missy for your wishes about me and DH. Things feel really really rough lately.

 

[pregcurious]

I would also work at the other house during the day. I've had guests before who interrupted me while I was on the phone for an important meeting, with my office door _closed_, to ask for something that was not important. Some people are rude/clueless about what it means to actually work from home.

 

[TooPatient]

Take a look at all 8 days and see what it will actually be like. Will they be showing up in the morning of the first day or is it later and they'll just want to shower and get some sleep? Are they there for a full day on the 8th day or will they be up early to pack and then gone by mid-day?
If you've got work most of the days in between and your DH takes them out for activities on a couple of the other days, you may not have to deal with them much at all.

I hate guests too. Not so much the guests, but the feeling of having to entertain and cater to someone else when we are in our own home.

Not sure where you live, but have you thought about a night or two away for your guest?
Like if we had a guest here, I could easily send them for a night or two to Leavenworth because "you just can't miss it!"

 

[Missy]

CJ, I just want to send you some virtual (((hugs))) for what you are going through and I know things will be looking up soon. My kitties (francesca is my avatar kitty) are sending their purrs your way!

Also, to address my dh's family member(s) dislike/disrespect of me-it wasn't obvious to my dh but I soon got him to *see* what I was seeing. Women tend to be better than men at reading other people and I am especially astute to sensing what other people are feeling. So, my dh lagged behind me a bit on this one. So don't feel bad about your dh not seeing what you are. However, when things get better it might be a good idea to try to get him to understand that it really doesn't matter if he gets it because the only thing that should matter is how it is making you feel(at least from my point of view)...but I digress. Just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you and I know things will improve very soon!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I just don't understand someone inviting themselves to visit a couple who would be working 6 out of those 8 days! It seems much more appropriate to ask if they can visit for a weekend! I mean, how could anyone other than maybe parents or a brother or sister expect someone to take off work to entertain them! If someone did this to me, I would say that our workweeks are so hectic that we really only have guests on weekends. Tell your husband to rehearse those lines the next time someone tries to invite themselves! And seriously, a weekend is about all I can take even with closer family!

I feel for you, I really do. But to preserve your relationship, I think you'll have to deal with it and stay at home (since the friend's house is 2 hours away anyway). But I'd set up an office area in my bedroom and stay in it with the door closed most of the day!

 

[lulu]

I am going to give you my absolute honest opinion and I mean no harm. If this is important to your husband, and it seems to be, and you love him, and he doesn't ask this of you more than once or twice per year, then you should jump into it with all the enthusiasm you can muster for his sake. Bend over backwards to make the guest feel welcome. He will be so grateful. It's just a week and I think you have to suck it up.

Good luck whatever you decide to do!

 

[CJ2008]

CJ, I just want to send you some virtual (((hugs))) for what you are going through and I know things will be looking up soon. My kitties (francesca is my avatar kitty) are sending their purrs your way!

Also, to address my dh's family member(s) dislike/disrespect of me-it wasn't obvious to my dh but I soon got him to *see* what I was seeing. Women tend to be better than men at reading other people and I am especially astute to sensing what other people are feeling. So, my dh lagged behind me a bit on this one. So don't feel bad about your dh not seeing what you are. However, when things get better it might be a good idea to try to get him to understand that it really doesn't matter if he gets it because the only thing that should matter is how it is making you feel(at least from my point of view)...but I digress. Just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you and I know things will improve very soon!

Oh my goodness Missy, I love Francesca's name! Do you know that it took me a really long time - or actually, I think it was in a separate thread about people's avatars - that I figured out Francesca was on blinds? Anyway - I thought she was a cutie but once I knew she was on blinds I just totally loved her!

I'm pretty "instinctive" too and I notice subtle things in people's behaviors that others not so readily notice.

I'm also realizing I'm pretty cynical when it comes to people - I often question people's motives. Curious (if you feel like answering this and it's not too personal) if you do this too.

 

[CJ2008]

I just don't understand someone inviting themselves to visit a couple who would be working 6 out of those 8 days! It seems much more appropriate to ask if they can visit for a weekend! I mean, how could anyone other than maybe parents or a brother or sister expect someone to take off work to entertain them! If someone did this to me, I would say that our workweeks are so hectic that we really only have guests on weekends. Tell your husband to rehearse those lines the next time someone tries to invite themselves! And seriously, a weekend is about all I can take even with closer family!

I feel for you, I really do. But to preserve your relationship, I think you'll have to deal with it and stay at home (since the friend's house is 2 hours away anyway). But I'd set up an office area in my bedroom and stay in it with the door closed most of the day!

Thanks DS.

DH reminded this person aware that we both work and they totally understood.

What they say versus what the reality ends up being we'll have to see.

I agree with the closing the door, etc. - I just still find it so draining and difficult to do...as if I'm doing something wrong.

 

[CJ2008]

I am going to give you my absolute honest opinion and I mean no harm. If this is important to your husband, and it seems to be, and you love him, and he doesn't ask this of you more than once or twice per year, then you should jump into it with all the enthusiasm you can muster for his sake. Bend over backwards to make the guest feel welcome. He will be so grateful. It's just a week and I think you have to suck it up.

Good luck whatever you decide to do!

Thanks Lulu, I really did want honest opinions, and if that's yours, I appreciate you giving it.

I am trying - I think I have to start by getting really clear on the schedule, when he plans on taking off, etc. - because I know this is going to help me - I know that's something I need.

 

[CJ2008]

I would also work at the other house during the day. I've had guests before who interrupted me while I was on the phone for an important meeting, with my office door _closed_, to ask for something that was not important. Some people are rude/clueless about what it means to actually work from home.

pregcurious not sure how I missed you! Thanks for your input.

I agree - and said something similar in one of my responses. Even though this persons "says" they understand both DH and I are working, the reality of what's going to happen may be totally different. Just knowing I'm "reachable" and in the house makes it tempting to ask a question, etc. If I have to go into a conference call maybe I'll post something on the door so they know before they knock.

 

[Missy]

CJ, I just want to send you some virtual (((hugs))) for what you are going through and I know things will be looking up soon. My kitties (francesca is my avatar kitty) are sending their purrs your way!

Also, to address my dh's family member(s) dislike/disrespect of me-it wasn't obvious to my dh but I soon got him to *see* what I was seeing. Women tend to be better than men at reading other people and I am especially astute to sensing what other people are feeling. So, my dh lagged behind me a bit on this one. So don't feel bad about your dh not seeing what you are. However, when things get better it might be a good idea to try to get him to understand that it really doesn't matter if he gets it because the only thing that should matter is how it is making you feel(at least from my point of view)...but I digress. Just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you and I know things will improve very soon!

Oh my goodness Missy, I love Francesca's name! Do you know that it took me a really long time - or actually, I think it was in a separate thread about people's avatars - that I figured out Francesca was on blinds? Anyway - I thought she was a cutie but once I knew she was on blinds I just totally loved her!

I'm pretty "instinctive" too and I notice subtle things in people's behaviors that others not so readily notice.

I'm also realizing I'm pretty cynical when it comes to people - I often question people's motives. Curious (if you feel like answering this and it's not too personal) if you do this too.

I asked my dh this question just to get a more objective answer and his response (of what I do matched my response). Which basically is that until trust is established I will question motives but once I know and trust you I am loyal and true. However, until then, I am cynical and careful. I think that is just from my experiences over time- learning that most people disappoint and many people have ulterior motives. When I was younger I was more trusting and as time has gone by I have learned from experience and while I truly want to believe the best about everyone I have to be cautious so I don't get hurt. But it still hurts every time someone disappoints because deep down I do believe the best about someone till they prove otherwise but I no longer jump in without questioning. I hope my answer makes sense.

Re Francesca thank you! She is such a sweetie and all I can say is thank goodness we have sturdy wooden blinds or it never would have held her even with her being a kitten at that time lol.

And CJ, please don't let people make you feel guilty for feeling the way you do. There is a reason you feel like this especially about this family member and you deserve not to feel uncomfortable in your own house. I understand what others are saying here but it's not just sucking it up for a day or 2 but 8 days and while you have no choice at this point but to make the best of it I don't think it is fair of your dh to expect this kind of thing every year. Again, grain of salt cause it's just my opinion but I so understand how you are feeling right now...big hugs and here's hoping that week goes by so fast and painlessly for you!

 

[CJ2008]

CJ, I just want to send you some virtual (((hugs))) for what you are going through and I know things will be looking up soon. My kitties (francesca is my avatar kitty) are sending their purrs your way!

Also, to address my dh's family member(s) dislike/disrespect of me-it wasn't obvious to my dh but I soon got him to *see* what I was seeing. Women tend to be better than men at reading other people and I am especially astute to sensing what other people are feeling. So, my dh lagged behind me a bit on this one. So don't feel bad about your dh not seeing what you are. However, when things get better it might be a good idea to try to get him to understand that it really doesn't matter if he gets it because the only thing that should matter is how it is making you feel(at least from my point of view)...but I digress. Just wanted to tell you I am thinking of you and I know things will improve very soon!

Oh my goodness Missy, I love Francesca's name! Do you know that it took me a really long time - or actually, I think it was in a separate thread about people's avatars - that I figured out Francesca was on blinds? Anyway - I thought she was a cutie but once I knew she was on blinds I just totally loved her!

I'm pretty "instinctive" too and I notice subtle things in people's behaviors that others not so readily notice.

I'm also realizing I'm pretty cynical when it comes to people - I often question people's motives. Curious (if you feel like answering this and it's not too personal) if you do this too.

I asked my dh this question just to get a more objective answer and his response (of what I do matched my response). Which basically is that until trust is established I will question motives but once I know and trust you I am loyal and true. However, until then, I am cynical and careful. I think that is just from my experiences over time- learning that most people disappoint and many people have ulterior motives. When I was younger I was more trusting and as time has gone by I have learned from experience and while I truly want to believe the best about everyone I have to be cautious so I don't get hurt. But it still hurts every time someone disappoints because deep down I do believe the best about someone till they prove otherwise but I no longer jump in without questioning. I hope my answer makes sense.

Re Francesca thank you! She is such a sweetie and all I can say is thank goodness we have sturdy wooden blinds or it never would have held her even with her being a kitten at that time lol.

And CJ, please don't let people make you feel guilty for feeling the way you do. There is a reason you feel like this especially about this family member and you deserve not to feel uncomfortable in your own house. I understand what others are saying here but it's not just sucking it up for a day or 2 but 8 days and while you have no choice at this point but to make the best of it I don't think it is fair of your dh to expect this kind of thing every year. Again, grain of salt cause it's just my opinion but I so understand how you are feeling right now...big hugs and here's hoping that week goes by so fast and painlessly for you!

Missy, thank you so much for answering and for giving my question such care.

I tend to be like you - in the sense that I see as myself loyal and true - once I feel I can trust you. I do find though that the trust is easily broken for me - a misstep or something the person does that "punctures" that trust even if just a little will set me not back to square 1 - but will cause me to be a little more careful with that person.

I think my level of guilt is "appropriate" - I have some guilt - which causes me to examine and make sure I'm being fair - but not so much that I think I automatically need to suck it up and go along with whatever without speaking up or negotiating certain things.

(and thankfully, the longest visits we ever had were 5 days - I fought that one too - and this one, 8 days - but it has NOT been every year...although I do secretly feel that allowing this to happen even one time encourages people to do it more! Hopefully that won't happen but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it).

I'll keep you updated on how it goes - thank you so much for offering so much support and understanding. It helps so much!