Would like your opinions please

[Dreamer_D]

I might do it for 2 nights. I often escape for some "me time". Seems like a good time for that, for you.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am going to give you my absolute honest opinion and I mean no harm. If this is important to your husband, and it seems to be, and you love him, and he doesn't ask this of you more than once or twice per year, then you should jump into it with all the enthusiasm you can muster for his sake. Bend over backwards to make the guest feel welcome. He will be so grateful. It's just a week and I think you have to suck it up.

Good luck whatever you decide to do!

Now that I have read the whole thread, I am going to ditto lulu here. Sure, house guests suck. I also do not like houseguests. But I still "welcome" my inlaws for three week visits three times a year! They don't stay overnight for more that 4-5 of the nights (they rent condos the rest of the time), but we see them all-day-long. Its fine. I just check out a little mentally. I don't talk as much, I read. I sneak off to my bedroom to be alone. I let them and DH watch the kids. Now after three years they understand my needs and don't take it personally.

Honestly, if you want a happy relationship with your husband you must work to get along with his family. Even if its just pretending to be nice for a week. That's the crappy part about marriage -- sometimes you have to shut up and do things you don't like. And then if your marriage is good, your partner will do the same for you one day.

ETA: I should add that I have been imagining this is your MIL or SIL, or another first-degree relative. For people so important to my husband, and also for his best friends, I would suck it up. But for anyone else I would just go away that week! Take a mini vacation for myself. And I would not feel guilty at all. If its someone who is HIS friend/relation and not someone I must be in a relationship with because of my marriage to DH, then I am far less inclined to sacrifice.

I should also add that I read your conversation with Missy an I too am a rather cynical and untrusting person with many people. It takes a rather long time for me to really get attached. And I admit I still am barely even on hugging terms with my in laws! I certainly don't say I love them and all that. So I utterly 100% get where you are coming from. I also believe that the way to a happy marriage is to give without measure, as long as it is not too costly to myself and the sacrifice is really valuable to my partner. So I guess you would have to weigh those out in your own relationship. If you being present is more valuable to your husband than it is costly to you, then stay. If its more costly to you than valued by your husband, then go (or find another compromise). Unfortunatlely, this won't be solved by avoiding! You will likely have to talk about it with him more.

 

[CJ2008]

I am going to give you my absolute honest opinion and I mean no harm. If this is important to your husband, and it seems to be, and you love him, and he doesn't ask this of you more than once or twice per year, then you should jump into it with all the enthusiasm you can muster for his sake. Bend over backwards to make the guest feel welcome. He will be so grateful. It's just a week and I think you have to suck it up.

Good luck whatever you decide to do!

Now that I have read the whole thread, I am going to ditto lulu here. Sure, house guests suck. I also do not like houseguests. But I still "welcome" my inlaws for three week visits three times a year! They don't stay overnight for more that 4-5 of the nights (they rent condos the rest of the time), but we see them all-day-long. Its fine. I just check out a little mentally. I don't talk as much, I read. I sneak off to my bedroom to be alone. I let them and DH watch the kids. Now after three years they understand my needs and don't take it personally.

Honestly, if you want a happy relationship with your husband you must work to get along with his family. Even if its just pretending to be nice for a week. That's the crappy part about marriage -- sometimes you have to shut up and do things you don't like. And then if your marriage is good, your partner will do the same for you one day.

ETA: I should add that I have been imagining this is your MIL or SIL, or another first-degree relative. For people so important to my husband, and also for his best friends, I would suck it up. But for anyone else I would just go away that week! Take a mini vacation for myself. And I would not feel guilty at all. If its someone who is HIS friend/relation and not someone I must be in a relationship with because of my marriage to DH, then I am far less inclined to sacrifice.

I should also add that I read your conversation with Missy an I too am a rather cynical and untrusting person with many people. It takes a rather long time for me to really get attached. And I admit I still am barely even on hugging terms with my in laws! I certainly don't say I love them and all that. So I utterly 100% get where you are coming from. I also believe that the way to a happy marriage is to give without measure, as long as it is not too costly to myself and the sacrifice is really valuable to my partner. So I guess you would have to weigh those out in your own relationship. If you being present is more valuable to your husband than it is costly to you, then stay. If its more costly to you than valued by your husband, then go (or find another compromise). Unfortunatlely, this won't be solved by avoiding! You will likely have to talk about it with him more.

Thank you Dreamer.

Yes, it is a first-degree relative.

I just check out a little mentally. I don't talk as much, I read. I sneak off to my bedroom to be alone. I let them and DH watch the kids. Now after three years they understand my needs and don't take it personally.

I don't have an easy time doing this...I can count on 1 hand the people that wouldn't take me doing those things personally. I think if DH was around the whole time I wouldn't find it as exhausting and might find it easier to say "hey guys I'm just going to go and relax and read for a bit." I have the most anxiety about the couple of days when I will be with this person by myself all day - or for half days...

But I also realize it's all the "unknowns" that are making me more nervous anticipating.

And I have been talking to DH (like you said, avoiding doesn't solve anything) and we've been collaborating on how we can do it so it's not too bad...

And then last night we fought about something unrelated - and I went back to resenting this person being here for 8 days. I can't seem to separate being in a fight with him and then dealing with this separately and kindly and as a team. Any advice on this?

I also believe that the way to a happy marriage is to give without measure, as long as it is not too costly to myself and the sacrifice is really valuable to my partner. So I guess you would have to weigh those out in your own relationship. If you being present is more valuable to your husband than it is costly to you, then stay. If its more costly to you than valued by your husband, then go (or find another compromise).

I really, really admire and like your way of thinking DD. I must admit I find it hard to give without measure. That doesn't mean I never give or do loving things - but I guess I don't give too freely or for too long without feeling to protect myself or look for that balance. Not great I know. Yet it is so scary to not be that way I don't know how else to be. I like this way of thinking about it because it's concrete and logical. Thank you so much.

 

[CJ2008]

I think it would be better if you just stayed home. Your DH would appreciate it.

Thanks Julie.

I agree. My friend left me the alarm code for how to get into the house - so I "like" knowing the option is there. But I really don't plan on using it. After I've been talking with DH and are more clear about the schedule I feel more in "control" because I know what's going on and when so my plan is to stay here and deal.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

It's not crazy for you to consider going to the friend's house for a few days. You're LUCKY that you have this option.

FWIW, I'm in almost the exact situation you're in, except there will be THREE staying here at our house and they expect me to cook & clean for them, pay for all expenses, and I also have two kids of my own, as well, so I would definetly take a night off, if I could.

Your DH may be disappointed, so a good compromise might be leaving for one night to get a break.

And, FWIW, because of the behavior the people do who stay with us, I did research and ettiquette says that THREE days is the max a person should stay at another person's house! Any longer is not considered appropriate, so maybe at that point, you take your day off, away from the person to decompress, then come back home.

 

[CJ2008]

It's not crazy for you to consider going to the friend's house for a few days. You're LUCKY that you have this option.

FWIW, I'm in almost the exact situation you're in, except there will be THREE staying here at our house and they expect me to cook & clean for them, pay for all expenses, and I also have two kids of my own, as well, so I would definetly take a night off, if I could.

Your DH may be disappointed, so a good compromise might be leaving for one night to get a break.

And, FWIW, because of the behavior the people do who stay with us, I did research and ettiquette says that THREE days is the max a person should stay at another person's house! Any longer is not considered appropriate, so maybe at that point, you take your day off, away from the person to decompress, then come back home.

Oh, wow, 3 people? How long are they going to stay with you MC?

I agree any longer than 3 days is a huge PITA.

Just to take the focus off me and my problems do they really sit around while you cook and clean up after them? And is this something you do every year?

 

[TooPatient]

It's not crazy for you to consider going to the friend's house for a few days. You're LUCKY that you have this option.

FWIW, I'm in almost the exact situation you're in, except there will be THREE staying here at our house and they expect me to cook & clean for them, pay for all expenses, and I also have two kids of my own, as well, so I would definetly take a night off, if I could.

Your DH may be disappointed, so a good compromise might be leaving for one night to get a break.

And, FWIW, because of the behavior the people do who stay with us, I did research and ettiquette says that THREE days is the max a person should stay at another person's house! Any longer is not considered appropriate, so maybe at that point, you take your day off, away from the person to decompress, then come back home.

How could anyone expect you to do that?! I hate rude people who feel entitled to stuff

Ettiquette says THREE days?
I suppose if you really like the person. Still! I get antsy just staying one night in someone's home. It feels strange. I want to help, but at the same time don't want to intrude on any sort of routine they have. It is just odd all around.

 

[Polished]

Is there a way you can do this and turn it into an opportunity to empower yourself. It's sounding to me like the anticipation of forthcoming visit looms more threatening than the actual event would be. I recently had a guest who is really anti tv come to stay for three days. I made sure I did what I usually do - watched the news and a movie I wanted to see - surprise of my life - she watched the movie with me AND enjoyed it. I think it's the spirit in which you do things that makes a difference. If you take yourself off to your room to read or chill at a friend's place for a while, if it's done confidently and happily it can actually help to put others at ease. There might be times when we don't have a choice but to go along but, I'd argue, there is still plenty of room for choice within choice and for you to make decisions that are right for you.

 

[lknvrb4]

I would say suck it up and deal with it. I have the same situation over and over again during the year. I do home daycare out of my home so I have a schedule that we follow. When my MIL comes well she just throws is all off. I am used to my system and doing my own thing. At first she would be loud at naptime which would drive me nuts. I just bite my tongue and deal with it. I always go to bed early when she visits to just to get away. I know its sad but a girl has to do what a girl has to do.

 

[CJ2008]

It's not crazy for you to consider going to the friend's house for a few days. You're LUCKY that you have this option.

FWIW, I'm in almost the exact situation you're in, except there will be THREE staying here at our house and they expect me to cook & clean for them, pay for all expenses, and I also have two kids of my own, as well, so I would definetly take a night off, if I could.

Your DH may be disappointed, so a good compromise might be leaving for one night to get a break.

And, FWIW, because of the behavior the people do who stay with us, I did research and ettiquette says that THREE days is the max a person should stay at another person's house! Any longer is not considered appropriate, so maybe at that point, you take your day off, away from the person to decompress, then come back home.

How could anyone expect you to do that?! I hate rude people who feel entitled to stuff

Ettiquette says THREE days?
I suppose if you really like the person. Still! I get antsy just staying one night in someone's home. It feels strange. I want to help, but at the same time don't want to intrude on any sort of routine they have. It is just odd all around.

TooPatient - yes, 3 days is long too, but bearable if you like the person and they're a good houseguest. I don't like staying in someone's home either, for the same reason...

 

[CJ2008]

Is there a way you can do this and turn it into an opportunity to empower yourself. It's sounding to me like the anticipation of forthcoming visit looms more threatening than the actual event would be. I recently had a guest who is really anti tv come to stay for three days. I made sure I did what I usually do - watched the news and a movie I wanted to see - surprise of my life - she watched the movie with me AND enjoyed it. I think it's the spirit in which you do things that makes a difference. If you take yourself off to your room to read or chill at a friend's place for a while, if it's done confidently and happily it can actually help to put others at ease. There might be times when we don't have a choice but to go along but, I'd argue, there is still plenty of room for choice within choice and for you to make decisions that are right for you.

Thanks Polish.

Yes, the anticipation can so often be worse than the actual event. I experienced this last time we had a house guest for 5 days - I dreaded it and it went better than I expected. That's the thing about anticipation, though, it comes back the next time around full force again

But, I think that's the big difference, is me feeling comfortable with continuing with some of my routines and not feel guilty about it. I think you are 100% right that it is the spirit in which you do things makes the difference. And I think maybe that's what creates guilt for me - because I do feel annoyed/resentful that I have to worry about someone else and explain myself at all...so maybe if I can work on how I feel inside - accept that this visitor is here and that I can say what I need to say/do what I need to do just as much whether I show annoyance or a smile. I can give it a shot and make that my whole goal for this visit - approach things calmly and with a smile and experience that I can still say what I need to say/do what I need to do.

 

[CJ2008]

I would say suck it up and deal with it. I have the same situation over and over again during the year. I do home daycare out of my home so I have a schedule that we follow. When my MIL comes well she just throws is all off. I am used to my system and doing my own thing. At first she would be loud at naptime which would drive me nuts. I just bite my tongue and deal with it. I always go to bed early when she visits to just to get away. I know its sad but a girl has to do what a girl has to do.

That drives me nuts just hearing about it

I think I am headed in that direction..."suck it up" (which in this case means staying here) and dealing with it, with the tips that everyone has given me.

And yes, I've thought about the going to bed early too, which is a routine I've been wanting to do for a while and can't seem to. Maybe this is the perfect time.

 

[Enerchi]

CJ! When do the guests arrive? is it this weekend? I hope it all goes well for you --- and do take the time you need to get away and have some quiet moments. Book yourself a mani/pedi/massage one day? or a hair cut? or offer to pick up take out so at least you are out of the house for an hour???

Fingers crossed it goes far better than we are all imagining it in our minds!!! DUST DUST DUST for a decent visit... and don't forget to treat yourself at the end as a reward for making it thru!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

It's not crazy for you to consider going to the friend's house for a few days. You're LUCKY that you have this option.

FWIW, I'm in almost the exact situation you're in, except there will be THREE staying here at our house and they expect me to cook & clean for them, pay for all expenses, and I also have two kids of my own, as well, so I would definetly take a night off, if I could.

Your DH may be disappointed, so a good compromise might be leaving for one night to get a break.

And, FWIW, because of the behavior the people do who stay with us, I did research and ettiquette says that THREE days is the max a person should stay at another person's house! Any longer is not considered appropriate, so maybe at that point, you take your day off, away from the person to decompress, then come back home.

Oh, wow, 3 people? How long are they going to stay with you MC?

I agree any longer than 3 days is a huge PITA.

Just to take the focus off me and my problems do they really sit around while you cook and clean up after them? And is this something you do every year?

Ugh - this is where it gets WORSE. I don't know how long they're staying OR which days. One time they visited and I kept asking my DH how many days they were staying and he didn't know and it took a lot of prodding and finally, it turned out to be EIGHT days! They never would give us a firm answer. Yes, they do just sit around and do nothing but TALK AND TALK. The last couple of times it was just the dad and the two children and he showed up empty handed and didn't tend to his kids. This time, I was informed by him he would stay with us and other people. But, guess what? One of the other people has said NO to him, so I am now thinking that means they will stay here even longer. Maybe it wouldn't be a big deal if we lived off of junk food, but we eat almost all organic and I cannot imagine paying for organic food for them all. Plus, he drinks our beer and ettiquette websites all said that it's common sense that if you visit a house where people drink alcohol, you should at least show up with a 6 pack! For him, I need at least a 12-pack. Good beer, too. No crappy stuff.

He visits various times of the year and no matter if it's just him or the family, he never brings any sort of food or beverage and just plants his butt.

I am still coming up with a game plan for this visit. One idea is to get super drunk at like 9 am and pass out... lol ... another is start doing step aerobics and take up the whole living room making tons of stomping noises. Another is to leave and go to a movie when dinner time nears.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

It's not crazy for you to consider going to the friend's house for a few days. You're LUCKY that you have this option.

FWIW, I'm in almost the exact situation you're in, except there will be THREE staying here at our house and they expect me to cook & clean for them, pay for all expenses, and I also have two kids of my own, as well, so I would definetly take a night off, if I could.

Your DH may be disappointed, so a good compromise might be leaving for one night to get a break.

And, FWIW, because of the behavior the people do who stay with us, I did research and ettiquette says that THREE days is the max a person should stay at another person's house! Any longer is not considered appropriate, so maybe at that point, you take your day off, away from the person to decompress, then come back home.

How could anyone expect you to do that?! I hate rude people who feel entitled to stuff

Ettiquette says THREE days?
I suppose if you really like the person. Still! I get antsy just staying one night in someone's home. It feels strange. I want to help, but at the same time don't want to intrude on any sort of routine they have. It is just odd all around.

Yep, some people are really routine oriented. These guests like to encourage us to do our thing and say they'll be fine, but it's problematic *to me* because I'm in middle of getting back in shape and am doing like 1 1/2-2 hours of exercise every day in my family room and I can't really lift weights and do Jillian Michael's videos with a male guest just puttering about. AWKWARD! UGh. Plus, we do not have a guest room and having three people camp out in our living room = a huge mess.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

CJ! When do the guests arrive? is it this weekend? I hope it all goes well for you --- and do take the time you need to get away and have some quiet moments. Book yourself a mani/pedi/massage one day? or a hair cut? or offer to pick up take out so at least you are out of the house for an hour???

Fingers crossed it goes far better than we are all imagining it in our minds!!! DUST DUST DUST for a decent visit... and don't forget to treat yourself at the end as a reward for making it thru!

Good idea about getting a mani/pedi or something to get away for a bit! Even grab a book/Kindle and go sit and read in a bookstore w/coffee for a few hours may help. I treated myself to a new Yoga DVD to help me cope with the impending visit...for me, it isn't the anticipation, but the actual visit that is ALSO hell. With four kids suddenly in my house (instead of just my two) and the parent informing me that I can feel free to make the son Top Ramen when I realized he was just going to sit there and I had to suggest his child eat because the kid was hungry (NEGLECT?!), it makes my blood boil. My blood pressure is rising as I'm typing this! I might have a stroke...