Worried about Best Friends Seeing New Rings...

[3shebabes]

I know this seems like a strange post and it may/may not belong in this forum. I''ve read a few posts about this same subject on PS, but can''t find them -- and I actually wanted some thoughts on my particlaur situation...

Those of you who know my sign-on identity probably know my story -- married 10 years to a great guy who has given me a 10-year anniversary upgrade treat which is being custom-made now..(re-made actually, the first attempt by the jeweler was not quite what I wanted..so we''ll see. But that''s another story...) and I know within the next few weeks I will have my new set. It''ll be quite an upgrade over what I''ve had these 10 years.

This is what I wanted help with: I know it sounds strange, but my current e-ring is a one-carat and it happens that mine is actually one of the larger e-rings among my closest friends. But my new e-ring center stone is a 2.86 - and will have an eternity-style setting and matching band of smaller diamonds. To be honest with everyone, my new rings will stand out, to say the least, among the rings my friends wear and that is where my concern lies. My particular concern is with my two closest friends...both of whom have had fairly serious financial strain lately. My best friend''s husband has had to file for bankruptcy and we have spent many hours lately with me listening to her worries and letting her cry on my shoulder. I think they''ll come out of this okay, but it has been very emotionally draining for her. She loves sparkly things, much like I do, and she wears a pretty ring, though not a very elaborate or large one, that was passed down from her hubby''s grandmother. My other best friend, who struggles a bit financially with her husband as well, has never had a diamond from her husband. When they married, they poured all their $$ into the house they wanted with the promise from her husband that he''d save for a diamond for a future anniversary. They don''t have a large income but somehow or other he finds ways to buy "toys" he wants, but money is never available for her diamond. Meanwhile, they''ve had 4 kids and have been married 17 years and he seems to have no plans to buy her one. ANYWAY -- my question is: I have not mentioned to either friend that my husband has given me this incredible gift. There hasn''t been a good time and quite frankly it would be awkward to bring it up considering the financial strain & worries they have both shared with me lately. And yet sometime soon, I will suddenly show up wearing my new rings and I just wonder how to handle it. They are both great friends and awesome women and will be complimentary and sweet but I know how it will make them both feel.

So - would you bring it up beforehand -- or just show up one day sporting the new diamonds? I know they''ll both ask why I never told them about it and I won''t know quite what to say. I know it sounds like a weird concern, but the reality is I am worried about it. I discussed it with my husband and he jokingly said we needed to find richer friends, but he of course was kidding. He himself is concerned about his sister seeing my rings -- as she and her husband struggle and we often have helped them out financially actually - but he knows she''ll never own something like this.

I hope this post doesn''t come off sounding icky -- like I''m bragging or want to focus on jealousy issues. I really don''t. I''m so excited to have my new rings, but worry that some of the fun of it may dwindle if I feel like it makes those closest to me feel crummy. Am I making any sense or just sounding icky?

Any thoughts? Thanks for "listening" !

 

[neatfreak]

I think there are two important things to do in this situation personally.

#1. Don't hide it from them. Then they'll feel like you withheld something from them ya know? And it might make them feel worse.

#2. Don't flash it in their faces endlessly and don't talk about it unless they ask. Wear it, but don't be constantly obsessing over it.

I think if you do those two things, you won't make them feel badly about it AND you can still enjoy it. If they are real friends they won't judge you just because of a new ring...

But at the same time, it's important to not throw it in their faces due to their current situations. It is sticky, but as long as you aren't constantly staring at it/talking about it/or avoiding it, I think it will pass quickly.

Hope that helps!

 

[coatimundi_org]

One of my good girlfriends has a stone almost twice as big as mine. It's gorgeous, but I don't feel jealous or anything. I often go over to her house and try on her jewelry--it's fun and she has a lot of it!

She doesn't draw attention to her baubles at all. She's very modest, but she does wear them and she enjoys them. (I bring her jewelry up in conversation way more than she does)

3she, from what I've read of your posts, you seem like such a well mannered and kind person. You didn't want to vent to anyone you know about the problems with your reset, because you were worried about their feelings. I think that's so sweet of you, and it shows that you take great care.

Really, I think your friends will be happy for you.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Neatfreak gave you good advice...

I wouldn't call them and say "oh my God, you'll never believe what Mr. Generous gave me..." but, you might mention that casually Mr. Generous is giving you a very sweet anniversary gift, and ask for suggestions as to what you should him...that way you've dropped the bomb but transitioned the focus onto your husband and anniversry instead of your ring.

But absolutely mention it. If you were to keep it from them and let them notice it on their own, they might feel as tho you kept it from them BECAUSE you didn't want them to feel bad or be jealous---and even tho your heart and intentions are in the right place, this could hurt them both terribly.

ETA: However, you should be proud of your marriage, and your new bling...you should wear it proudly and often...but remember to be kind and sensitive to their individual situations.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Hello and congratulations on the upgrade.

I would just wear them when you get them. If your friends really are friends, they will be happy for you. If they become envious and make snide remarks, they weren''t really friends.

 

[Lv2shopp]

3shebabes
I know exactly how u feel. In my circle of friends I have the largest stone. I had the largest even before my recent upgrade. A few of my friends also have financial difficulties. But I always "prepare" my friends before I am wearing my new bling and will say by the way I just got blank blank.... I do not make a big deal about it. But atleast I have more or less put the thought in their mind and when they see whatever it is that I have they are more or less prepared and tell me how lovely it is. I have one friend who always makes a remark as to what do I have that is new? I just laugh it off. I have the reputation with all my friends as the "shopper" (u can see by my id). Which is something I do not mind, lol. Not all my friends are into jewelry like I am. But that is fine with me.

In your situation, u should mention it before they see it. I think it would be alot less akward then if u just show up wearing your new bling. They might be more upset that u never said anything to them. They might have that moment of envy, but if they r truly your friends they will be happy for u and share in your joy.

 

[Ellen]

I understand your post totally.

If it were me (and it actually was on a smaller scale), I wouldn''t say a word beforehand. Just put it on when you get it, and go about business as usual. When they see it, if they ask where you got it, I''d just say, my wonderful husband bought me this. If they ask if you knew about it, say yes. If they then ask why you didn''t mention it, just say something along the lines of, I just didn''t see the need to, there have been more important things going on.

Don''t give anymore info than you have to, that''s why I kept saying IF they ask. If they don''t, don''t offer an answer. The last statement shows you are/have been caring and considerate of everyones situation. I don''t really see how they could be too upset with you for that, and you''ve told the truth with all of it.

 

[hairgirl95]

Hey girlie, I feel for you here! I am in the SAME situation. I have a friend who wants to get engaged, but her BF cannot qualify for financing to get her ANY type of ring. She likes bling. My ring has been a constant source of comments from her. Her mother even went as far as to email ME and tell me my ring was TOO BIG.

But, the green eyed monster can be a little unflattering at times, so I pretty much brush it off.

Yes, I would make a casual comment about the anniv. gift just to prevent an uncomfortable situation when that new beauty is on your finger. I think your sensitivity is so sweet. I find myself being the same way. I even went as far as to not wear my ering on a few occasions just to prevent my friend from dwelling on it. Thats not fair to me in my opinion, but it was my choice and I have to accept it. I look at other peoples financial hardships this way--they can happen to ANYONE at ANYTIME. My heart goes out to both of your friends for the trying times they are in, and you are right, this too shall pass for both of them. However, you and your dh are obviously responsible with your $$ and work hard for it. You should be proud of what you have accomplished and wear that new honker rock with pride!! I cannot WAIT to see it!

 

[vespergirl]

I think you got some great advice on here - go ahead and wear them when you get them, but don''t point them out. If they mention the rings or compliment them, then thank them for the compliments, without going into too much detail. If they ask questions about carat size, etc., you can answer, but I wouldn''t offer any more info than they ask for. They should just be happy for you theat they got great new rings - enjoy and don''t feel guilty!

BTW, can''t wait to see them on here, they sound beautiful!

 

[krisvrn]

Date: 2/27/2008 2:27:16 PM
Author:3shebabes
I know this seems like a strange post and it may/may not belong in this forum. I''ve read a few posts about this same subject on PS, but can''t find them -- and I actually wanted some thoughts on my particlaur situation...

Those of you who know my sign-on identity probably know my story -- married 10 years to a great guy who has given me a 10-year anniversary upgrade treat which is being custom-made now..(re-made actually, the first attempt by the jeweler was not quite what I wanted..so we''ll see. But that''s another story...) and I know within the next few weeks I will have my new set. It''ll be quite an upgrade over what I''ve had these 10 years.

This is what I wanted help with: I know it sounds strange, but my current e-ring is a one-carat and it happens that mine is actually one of the larger e-rings among my closest friends. But my new e-ring center stone is a 2.86 - and will have an eternity-style setting and matching band of smaller diamonds. To be honest with everyone, my new rings will stand out, to say the least, among the rings my friends wear and that is where my concern lies. My particular concern is with my two closest friends...both of whom have had fairly serious financial strain lately. My best friend''s husband has had to file for bankruptcy and we have spent many hours lately with me listening to her worries and letting her cry on my shoulder. I think they''ll come out of this okay, but it has been very emotionally draining for her. She loves sparkly things, much like I do, and she wears a pretty ring, though not a very elaborate or large one, that was passed down from her hubby''s grandmother. My other best friend, who struggles a bit financially with her husband as well, has never had a diamond from her husband. When they married, they poured all their $$ into the house they wanted with the promise from her husband that he''d save for a diamond for a future anniversary. They don''t have a large income but somehow or other he finds ways to buy ''toys'' he wants, but money is never available for her diamond. Meanwhile, they''ve had 4 kids and have been married 17 years and he seems to have no plans to buy her one. ANYWAY -- my question is: I have not mentioned to either friend that my husband has given me this incredible gift. There hasn''t been a good time and quite frankly it would be awkward to bring it up considering the financial strain & worries they have both shared with me lately. And yet sometime soon, I will suddenly show up wearing my new rings and I just wonder how to handle it. They are both great friends and awesome women and will be complimentary and sweet but I know how it will make them both feel.

So - would you bring it up beforehand -- or just show up one day sporting the new diamonds? I know they''ll both ask why I never told them about it and I won''t know quite what to say. I know it sounds like a weird concern, but the reality is I am worried about it. I discussed it with my husband and he jokingly said we needed to find richer friends, but he of course was kidding. He himself is concerned about his sister seeing my rings -- as she and her husband struggle and we often have helped them out financially actually - but he knows she''ll never own something like this.

I hope this post doesn''t come off sounding icky -- like I''m bragging or want to focus on jealousy issues. I really don''t. I''m so excited to have my new rings, but worry that some of the fun of it may dwindle if I feel like it makes those closest to me feel crummy. Am I making any sense or just sounding icky?

Any thoughts? Thanks for ''listening'' !

I think you don''t really need to mention anything unless you want to. In my opinion, since

they are your real good friends, they will not have any issues. I am sure they will be happy for you....

 

[Maisie]

I think its really sweet that you are so concerned about your friends and their feelings. I wouldn''t say anything and let them notice. If they don''t say anything then thats fine. If they make a comment just say how pleased you were to get them and then change the conversation. Maybe they will want to chat about them further and that would be nice but at least you won''t look like you are bragging, which I know you won''t be.

 

[choro72]

I second what everyone, especially Ellen says. Wear it. Don''t mention it. If they notice, casually mention your husband gave it to you. If they start pouring their hearts out on how jealous they are (which I seriously doubt they will do), then give them your ear as you have always done. Turn the discussion towards THEIR relationship, not your ring.
You are a very good friend to consider this...

 

[3shebabes]

Thanks, girls...

I knew this topic would bring out plenty of thoughts & suggestions.

Ya''ll bring up lots of good points. I also love the suggestion (I think Italianhaircolor made it) to turn the subject around to what I might get my hubby for our anniversary. I think that is a great idea.

Some of you suggest bringing it up beforehand and I had thought of that because I worried that if I don''t the natural response will be " Why didn''t you ever mention this?" -- and I do think the feeling will be that I didn''t because I felt sorry for them, etc...and nobody wants to be in the position of being pitied. Yuck. But others of you suggest just letting them notice when I am wearing the rings - and of course I have wondered about that also.

One of them goes to the gym with me most mornings and for the past few weeks I have not worn anything on my finger (because my old ring wrap was being taken apart so that some of the side stones could be incorporated into the new wedding band) and I kept thinking she''d ask me " Where are your rings?" - which would give me a natural way of bringing it up...but since she normally leaves her rings at home when she goes to the gym, she probably assumes I am doing the same thing and hasn''t said anything.

I guess I may play this by ear. If I am asked I may go ahead and mention it -- if not, I may wait.

Ya know -- I do have some friends who just don''t care one lick about things like diamonds or rings. They''d much rather go on a cool vacation or drive a certain car, etc-- but it just so happens that my first friend I mentioned is every bit the lover of sparkly things that I am -- and my second friend just has a thing about diamond rings since her husband has never made it a priority to buy her one. It seems to hurt her every time someone she knows receives anything diamond-related because she feels she must not be worth it to her husband. She doesn''t say it out loud -- you just see it in her face. I posted about that situation once. I told the whole tale about how when my husband gave me my original e-ring 10 years ago, she''d been married 7 years at that point and she felt crummy because she had no ring. We had actually found that first diamond on the internet and I used that as a way of bringing it up to her husband. Yep - I opened my big trap -- but I couldn''t help it. I told him that if he ever wanted to get her a diamond, that I had a big money-saving tip for him. I was gonna share my online diamond vendor knowledge, but he didn''t go for it at all. He sent me a long email saying he just couldn''t afford it and besides, he didn''t think things like that meant much to her anyway. I knew different -- I knew it meant the world to her! Funny, though -- he always seems to be able to pay for expensive car accessories he wants or biking trips he likes to take. But I figured I had stepped over the line once and I better just let it go...but my point is that she also is likely to feel some hurt when she sees my new rings -- though she is probably not going to let on. She''s too sweet.

Anyway - any other opinions on this subject would be welcomed -- or any stories about similar situations! Thanks again. It''s great to have somewhere to vent these kinds of thoughts -- !

 

[mandyk77]

I would not make a big deal about the upgrade. IMO,the less you talk about it the more comfortable your friends will feel.

If they comment and ask why you didn''t mention the new ring just say it was a present from your husband and you didn''t really want to talk about it before it became a reality.

If you do decide to tell them I would do my best to down play the upgrade. Just be humble about it (which I''m sure you will be).

They will understand and hopefully be happy for you!

 

[sbuffaloe]

I was in a similiar situation, although my upgrade doesn''t compare to yours! I''m sure your new ring will be beautiful! My hubby upgraded my set this past Christmas and I had no idea he was giving me new rings! My original ering was a .40 ct princess cut center with matching sapphire side stones. We celebrated our 11th anniv last year and I had been loudly hinting that I wanted a new set, but hubby is not the most sentimental, and I had no idea he would ever do it honestly! Anyway, imagine my surprise when my new rings situated themselves in a big red bow on our Christmas tree! My new ring is 1.02 ct center stone with a halo, pave along the shank and pave'' contoured matching band. I didn''t have to broach the subject since everyone was at our house when he gave them to me! But.....I did over some whispers between my SIL and mom, believe it or not, along the lines of ''did you see that ring?!?!'' Hubby & I are better off financially than most of our family, that''s not to say that we have it made. I do think there might be some jealousy of our lifestyle, again, not to say that we don''t have our struggles as does everyone else. Hubby''s sister, though, has always been jealous of me, honest to God, she has always treated me as if I took her brother away from her. She was not at our house when hubby gave me the new set, but we did visit them the next day, and all she could say was, nice. We do have friends that are better off financially than we are and that hubby is always, and I mean, always, showing up at home with new trinkets. One year, she got 2 ct diamond earrings, a tennis bracelet, another diamond bracelet, and a David Yurman ring ''just because''. I have never been jealous of her. Mind you, I am dying for her earrings, but I don''t begrudge her because she has them. I think that if you just don''t make a huge deal out of it, then your friends won''t either. And, if they do, they are really petty. Wow, this took a turn I didn''t really intend. But, you shouldn''t be so worried about how your friends will react that you don''t enjoy your new baby! Don''t feel guilty for any reason! Bottom line is, if you & your hubby can afford it and are comfortable with it, it really isn''t anyone else''s business.

 

[HollyS]

Wear your rings with pride when you finally get them. Don''t make a big deal out of them, or point them out in any way. If they ''speak'' as loudly as you expect, they will be noticed of their own accord. If your friends feel comfortable about asking, they will ask about your rings.

What other people have or do not have should not be a catalyst for your own enjoyment of anything you might have. That would be kind of like feeling guilty to the point of not eating because people in a third world country are starving. We all feel badly about that, and we can make certain choices in our consumerism that might help those people, but ''doing without'' as a sign of solidarity would not alleviate their suffering at all. Same holds true for your friends. You feeling guilty about what you have in comparison to what they have does not provide any satisfaction for them; it just makes you miserable.

If they are your best friends, they will be delighted for you. And they will mean it, even if they feel just a bit sorry for themselves.

 

[iheartscience]

You''re clearly a great friend who is very sensitive to people''s feelings, so I doubt you''ll make any of them feel bad even unintentionally. Here''s my 2 cents:

If you would typically chat with them about things you want to buy and your new purchases, like cars or furniture or even just clothes, I would mention the ring beforehand. If you don''t usually chat about stuff like that, I wouldn''t mention it and would just wear it.

I know that my good friend and I always chat about what we are lusting after, what we ordered online, etc., so it would be very strange if I was getting a new diamond and I didn''t mention it to her. If you and your friends are like me and my friend, I think not mentioning the new ring before wearing it will make it seem like you feel sorry for them, and I know from your post that that''s the last thing you want to do!

Good luck and let us know what you do and how it goes...I hope both of them are okay with it and there are no hurt feelings!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

As Ellen said, I dealt with the same thing but on a smaller scale. I went from a 1.0 to 1.6. I certainly would not have mentioned it in advance. Only a couple of people have commented, and when they did, I said, oh, hubby gave me this for our anniversary. Most of my friends are sentimental and wear their original stones. I honestly think being quiet is the best plan.

 

[pjean]

Date: 2/27/2008 3:20:33 PM
Author: hairgirl95
Her mother even went as far as to email ME and tell me my ring was TOO BIG.

Holy inappropriate, Batman! Tell me you made this up!

I''m with thing2 re: talking about it ahead of time. If you think you normally would, then take Italiahaircolor''s suggestion. If not, then don''t worry about it. But omitting your normal conversation would come across to me as pity.

Congrats on your future upgrade, too!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I look at it differently. Talking about it in advance is like bragging or rubbing it in their face. The rings are a gift, so I see no reason to talk about them before they are given.

 

[cwj]

I know exactly how u feel. I got my new ring today. I have not said a word about it at work for some of the same reasons u mention, plus I own the business. I dont want them to think I'm making alot of money off of their sweat. ( boy I wish I were) Anyway when I went in this morning and someone noticed, everybody was pretty cool about it. They said they liked it and wanted to trade, all the normal stuff. One said " u are so spoiled" that really pissed me off. All I said was "spoiled, I work as hard as he does". She laughed like it was just a joke, but I knew she meant it. I really don't know why we feel bad about getting something we want.. I'm sure they do, it just doesn't happen to be as noticeable. I know this girl shops all the time, buys purses, clothes, etc. So is she not suppose to wear new stuff to work?
Wear your new rings and be proud of them, I'm sure u guys have worked hard to be able to have such new things!
cwj

 

[Italiahaircolor]

3shebabe...I think, no matter what, it''s important that you remember you''re not responsible for their money situations. I think it is very sweet that you are trying to find ways to cushion the blow (so to speak) about your new ring...but ultimately, you shouldn''t have to conceal your new bauble just because they dont have one or can''t afford one.

I still think that confronting the issue in a casual way is the best approach -- but, if they do get snide, don''t feel bad about it at all...you''re celebrating a big milestone! They should be happy for you because you have had 10 wonderful years with you husband.

Oh, and by the way...your friend who is still "ringless" must not want a diamond as bad as you think, otherwise, I''d hope she would have spoken up about it during their 17 years of marriage. Maybe she tells you she wants one, but when her husband mentions it, maybe she says something different...people have different priorities socially than they do privately. Maybe she knows diamonds matter to you, so when you''re together, they become important to her...but perhaps when she is alone with her husband, discussing how they are planning to spend their money, maybe a diamond doesn''t even cross her mind. I think the love of diamonds is contagious amoungst friends... I am sure a wee-bit of her jealousy 10 years ago is because you did get one...but maybe over time the feelings have softened, and she''s just happy with her life and doesn''t find spending 2, 3, 4k on a stone important anymore.... Just a thought...

 

[motownmama]

I think all this advise seems really sound!!! I think if you trust your instincts you will do the right thing. It makes me think of the situation when one gal is pregnant and another wants to be, but isn''t. If you''re the pregnant one you can''t hide your belly, but you don''t have to go out of your way with that particular gal to rub you tummy and complain about morning sickness. Wear the ring proudly - you deserve it, but don''t keep gazing at it every minute etc. - ditto the advise of above posters. If the maternity analogy seems "huh?" to you, just forget it; but I''ve been on both sides of that - I lost a pregnancy in the 2nd trimester when I had 3 (yes) pregnant women working for me!!! I happily went to a work shower for each of them, but I didn''t need to sit in my office and hear about every twitch and twinge. Then, I DID go on to have 4 kids (God bless) and my best friend was still single. I tried to have the same courtesy with her. And, long term the more you wear your ring the more used to it they''ll get and their feelings of envy might dissipate. Again - good luck - can''t WAIT to see it. BRAG AWAY HERE!!!!!!!

 

[hairgirl95]

Date: 2/27/2008 6:57:25 PM
Author: pjean

Date: 2/27/2008 3:20:33 PM

Author: hairgirl95

Her mother even went as far as to email ME and tell me my ring was TOO BIG.

Holy inappropriate, Batman! Tell me you made this up!


Oh I wish I was making it up!! Her mom is not the most mentally stable, as you can probably imagine. Yep, a week after getting my 2ct. radiant, her mom sends me an email that said
" I don''t know why you went bigger. That ring is just too big now. I liked the old diamond MUCH better. It is way too big for me." Well, glad the diamond wasn''t purchased for HER hand!!
Ummmm, okay, HOW do you respond to THAT??!! I didn''t. I just deleted the email (after forwarding it to my friend, of course)

and made sure my ring was polished up good if I knew I would see this psycho mother. Yep, some people are just flat out rude and crazy!!

 

[Futuremrss]

My friends are crazy...so if you said "Hey look at my upgrade. Do you think I now have to sleep with him finally?" I think they would laugh and the arwardness would be over.

 

[cutes814]

someone said this already, but if you normally discuss your purchases with your friends before buying them, then you should tell them. otherwise just wear it and not say anything until they ask.

if it was time for my upgrade and i didn''t tell my bff, she''d kill me, but with some other friends it''s better left unsaid.

 

[Imdanny]

I don't have a big diamond but I have a midsize German luxury car I bought new several years ago. It still gets looks. For the first three or four years, I got many compliments on it, even from strangers, sometimes on a daily basis, once every day for over a month (

). I chose the car because my brother was in a very serious accident when he was sixteen and this was the safest car I could find and because I like cars and I liked this one. The people who were truly jealous were acquiescences, not friends. I predict your friends will understand.

My honest advice about something like this is when someone compliments you, say "thank you" and don't say anything else you don't have to.

Reading your post, you sound like a very caring person, and I'm glad for you that you're getting such a nice upgrade!

 

[honey22]

I feel for you sweetie! But, if they are truly your friends they will be happy for you. You sound like a wonderful sensitive friend, and I can''t see you flashing your rings in their faces, but I would try the - what should I get him approach. That way the topic is bought up and you can downplay it if you want.

I am a bit nervous about my ering too. It''s small by PS standards, but a tad bigger for me and my circles. And none of my friends/work friends have Ideal cut stones (and certainly not the PS addiction I have). It''s sparkles like mad and I am sure it will attract attention but I am feeling a tad nervous about showing it off to friends. Not to mention how I explain why I purchased overseas as I couldn''t find anything ''good enough'' here - I sound like a freakin snob!! I don''t want to brag about it or put down B&M stores here in Aus (especially since I know a few of my friends bought here and got more than a little diddled!), but I feel the need to justify the lengths I went to to get the perfect stone?!

Sheesh, listen to me, I am still waiting for him to pop the question and I am worrying about this already! Totally neurotic!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 2/27/2008 3:53:34 PM
Author: 3shebabes
and my second friend just has a thing about diamond rings since her husband has never made it a priority to buy her one. It seems to hurt her every time someone she knows receives anything diamond-related because she feels she must not be worth it to her husband. She doesn''t say it out loud -- you just see it in her face. I posted about that situation once. I told the whole tale about how when my husband gave me my original e-ring 10 years ago, she''d been married 7 years at that point and she felt crummy because she had no ring. We had actually found that first diamond on the internet and I used that as a way of bringing it up to her husband. Yep - I opened my big trap -- but I couldn''t help it. I told him that if he ever wanted to get her a diamond, that I had a big money-saving tip for him. I was gonna share my online diamond vendor knowledge, but he didn''t go for it at all. He sent me a long email saying he just couldn''t afford it and besides, he didn''t think things like that meant much to her anyway. I knew different -- I knew it meant the world to her! Funny, though -- he always seems to be able to pay for expensive car accessories he wants or biking trips he likes to take. But I figured I had stepped over the line once and I better just let it go...but my point is that she also is likely to feel some hurt when she sees my new rings -- though she is probably not going to let on. She''s too sweet.

It seems to me like this is at the heart of what''s worrying you--your other friend likes bling and will possibly feel a pang or two of envy because she''d like that sort of ring herself simply because it''s so pretty, but your second friend that you talk about here? It seems to touch on much bigger issues for her. It could be that the reason her husband doesn''t understand the importance of a ring to her (to give him the benefit of the doubt) is because she is too sweet to make a big deal of it to him. If it really breaks her heart that he''s putting his wants above hers all the time (if that''s the case), I too would be reluctant to wear anything that would remind her to feel this way, because I wouldn''t want to feel like I was causing my friend any more hurt.

That being said, it''s clearly ridiculous to suggest that you pocket your rings whenever she''s around or something in an attempt to save her from hurt indefinitely; she will know about your upgrade at some point, and it sounds like it will hurt her. However, she is an adult and needs to be able to accept that other people will always have material things that she wants but doesn''t have. I think the major stickiness in this situation is that maybe, just maybe, she feels like she doesn''t have the things she wants emotionally, and that''s a whole different kettle of fish.

 

[3shebabes]

Thanks to everyone for all these responses. Ask a question of any kind on PS -- and you'll get lots on interesting answers. And they all seem well thought out, too!

To answer a few issues -- I think Italianhaircolor asked a while back whether my married friend (17 years & counting) really wanted a diamond. I really think she does but I also think she isn't the type to make that vividly clear to her husband. I flat out told my husband that I knew what I'd like for our 10th. Sometimes I think you have to do that with men! She tends to not want to have to ask for things and then she feels hurt when he doesn't read her mind. I do know that she still pines for a diamond ring. She complains to me about various social things she attends where she feels "surrounded" by women who haven't been married a long while like she has and/or haven't had 4 kids like she has who are sporting engagement rings of all kinds and she always says " I'm sick of people glancing at my hand and seeing nothing there." She bought herself a decent fake once but her husband hated it. He said it made him feel stupid because he knew everyone knew it was fake. Plus, my friend got tired of trying to decide whether to act like it was real, etc...so she doesn't wear it. She has a wedding band, but only wears it occasionally because she doesn't like it by itself. I even suggested during that one conversation with her husband that he could consider a band with some diamonds on it as a less expensive but still sparkly & exciting compromise, but he just isn't interested. Anyway - thought I'd clear that up...

And Gwendolyn, you are right when you say that you feel this ring things with my friend and her husband is just part of a bigger problem. He's a nice guy and a good father to their kids, but between the two of them, he seems to always get his way and his needs/wants always come first in my observation...and she's too "nice" to make a stink of it. I tell her quite often not to be so nice!

I am going to roll all of your advice together & use it. If a natural chance opens up to mention my rings, I may. But I would never focus on it or keep bringing it up in their presence. If no opportunity opens up that feels natural, I will just address it when I have the rings and they notice them. I appreciate so many of you taking a moment or two to answer my strange question!

It's funny, I have posted once or twice on PS about the fact that I know I'll be guilty of severe over-use of the left hand once my rings are on my finger -- ya know, the way newly-engaged and proud women do when they first get their ring and they're just dying for people to notice? And I know I will do that. Around people I don't know, mostly! But I just feel the need to lay low on this ring thing with these two friends - for obvious reasons...

ANyway, thanks so much!