Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult children

[vsc]

Hi everyone,

I've developed a tendency to be annoyed when I see parents of adults (usually, mothers) bring up/push the grandchildren issue.
Part of it is being a (childless) newlywed and that everyone jokes about babies, me being pregnant, etc. (we have no plans to conceive at the moment).

I was just watching some women's prison show where the 31 year old prisoner is being visited by her mother. Her mother, instead of saying she wishes her daughter was out or anything like that, said "you're 31. I was hoping you would have made me some babies by now" (or something similar). It annoyed me to no end!

What if she doesn' t want children?
What if she can't have children?
What if she wants to wait until she's in a stable relationship to have children?

I understand the biological drive for grandparents-to-be to push for kids - they are getting all the rewards, for little of the work (when you get to the root of it, it's their genes getting passed on). I also understand that in some cultures, it's just expected and almost like a joking thing to say.

Does it annoy any of you? Did it change when you had kids?

 

[lliang_chi]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Yes it's annoying mostly because it's NO ONE'S business! As a newly wed, I got pestered by that not from parents but more for aunts. Dude, get out of my sex life!

 

[jstarfireb]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

As someone who doesn't plan on having kids, I find it EXTREMELY annoying! My mom once said "you OWE me grandchildren" at one point in our lives (she's since changed her mind). OK, Mom, sure, I'll make a huge life change just so you can have a cute kid to play with and then send back to me when the going gets rough...

 

[centralsquare]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

We don't face that pressure, but it would be extremely annoying to me if I did. But, at least you could probably count on the grandparents for babysitting!!

 

[mayerling]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

As a young adult, I find it annoying. Putting my self in their shoes, I totally get it.

 

[vc10um]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Nearly every conversation with my mother since she met my now-DH has somehow involved mention of her future grandchildren.

When I posted our honeymoon pictures on that social networking site, she commented on several of them saying "I hope that's a fertility god" or "I hope that's a fertility [insert name of photographed animal here]".

We also got stuffed mini egg and sperm in a petri dish for Christmas (when we were still just engaged, and 6 months out from the wedding!), along with boys and girls University of Michigan baby booties. (And that was the "save the best for last" present...**headdesk**)

It's...ummmm...special. I'll just leave it at that.

 

[lliang_chi]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Putting myself in their shoes I would still respect it's my KIDS' decision to have children. NOT MINE!

 

[sba771]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

My DH's mom was like this. We have been married just 6 months and it happened when we started dating. It turns out I am infertile and it is the worst thing to be asked, but it isn't just her. I swear, every 'older' woman who hears we just got married asks about children. I love when they preface it with, 'i know this is a rude question, BUT...' Yes, it is rude and I don't feel the need to share with you our life plans.

Sorry, passionate issue for me. I hate people sometimes.

 

[Octavia]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

My mom started pressuring me as soon as I graduated from college, and I wasn't even in a relationship then! She wanted grandkids by the time she was 50 (she was about 46 at the time) and let me know it at least on a weekly basis. I had. it. out. with her and she finally backed off and has been pretty good since...though she apparently has tried to get our friends who have kids to tell us how wonderful and amazing parenting is in an attempt to "speed things along." Until I was dating DH, I never had any intention of having kids and it drove me up the wall. Now, we're in the process of moving cross-country, whereas we're now a 4.5 hour drive away from them, and I KNOW my mom's biggest concern is whether she's ever going to get to see her (still unconcieved) grandchildren. She hasn't said anything, but it's pretty obvious anyway. It makes me feel annoyed and sort of guilty all at the same time. Ugh.

 

[iheartscience]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

My mom's awesome and actually never hassles me about stuff like that. When my husband and I were dating she was like "Take your time, there's no rush to get married!"

She did ask me once out of nowhere if me and my husband were going to have kids and I was like "WHO ARE YOU?!" I didn't really mind, though-I'm close with my mom and I think she was just curious. She still isn't sure why me and my twin sister aren't like our three older siblings. (They're all church-going Republicans who are married with several kids and we're the opposite of all that! )

My mom already has 9 grandchildren so the pressure is pretty much nonexistent on me. If she ever hassles me I'll just tell her she has enough grandchildren already!

My MIL has never hassled us, although I could totally see her doing that. My husband is an only child so I've been mentally preparing myself for that pressure since we got married!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

I would always get the "so when are you guys having kids?" questions from aunts and uncles when I came home for Christmas, but it was only once a year and wasn't unbearable. I never got pressure from my parents or my in-laws.

My mom had 3 kids by the time she was 20 and my sister had her first at 16, so my mom was a grandma when she was 32. By the time I got married, she'd already been a grandma for nearly 20 years. She always told me to take my time and to do as many things on my bucket list as I could BEFORE having kids. And we did!

D is an only child, so I really expected some pressure from the in-laws, but was pleased when they never said a peep. D's mom was especially excited when we announced our pregnancy, but I was always grateful she didn't put the pressure on beforehand.

Honestly, having kids was not a really easy decision for us. We've never been the type to feel that kids would "complete" our life and knew that having kids = making sacrifices, so I wouldn't have appreciated the additional pressure when we were really weighing the decision heavily ourselves.

 

[janinegirly]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Ha, when I saw "bringing up" I took it to mean "raising" so was curious what this was about!

I also had zero pressure from my family - granted we got pg 3 months into our marriage, but I also never got pressure from them to get married. DH's side is more the stereotype but they also did not pressure - I actually was wondering why! DH says it's because they kind of gave up after his 20's/30's etc.

After number one there is definitely questions about when #2 is coming and we were NOT decided on this so that was frustrating. Family backed off pretty quickly but you get qustions from work, friends, colleagues all the time - especially once #1 hits age 2 (I guess this is a rule - have them 2 yrs apart). Now that I'm pg, that silenced a few but have already got questions on #3! I have been clear in answering that one (we are done!).

So I guess the families have been respectful thankfully, but in general I do find it very annoying how people feel like you need to get in line with their timeline or else something is off.

 

[vsc]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

I guess I see I'm not the only one!
vc10um, that's pretty out there! They make egg and sperm petri dishes? I would have been pretty ticked off. I hope your mom slows down the hints!

JanineGirly, right after I created the thread I re-read myself and realized the title was misleading, but could not find a way to edit the title!

I totally understand parents being excited about grandchildren, but there is that fine line between supportive and demanding... I'm also fine with friends making conversation and asking if we're planning for kids any soon - that seems to be the next question that people ask after you get married, and most people don't mean much by it.

My own parents don't say anything of the sort although I'm sure they'd be delighted.

My in-laws... it's another story. They had their children far apart and DH is the oldest, which means that 1. we can't expect the much younger siblings to have kids and take the pressure off us and 2. they are only very recently empty-nesters, and mom-in-law had never had much going on in her life besides her kids, she's from a huge family and she needs something to fill that void. I see that look in her eye when she's around kids and instead of thinking "Cute, she loves kids! She's so happy around them!", I find it very scary and have this weird strong gut reaction. Sometimes I feel like if they want to be around children so bad, they should foster/adopt/volunteer with kids! They don't actually say much to me about grandchildren, but they have made it clear in the past, and now it's more ... subtle hints. The worse is them watching me like hawks when there's a baby around - do I look interested? Am I playing with the child? Do I look like I know what I'm doing? -- It completely turns me off! When I'm around friends' kids I'll play with them, but if in-laws are around I stay away (which of course, is probably making them think that I am the bad DIL who is not interested in reproducing and depriving them and their son of a baby!)

Finally, hearing of infertility stories, I am terrified that we'd have problems conceiving and that we'd have to deal with the guilt/pressure from them on top of our own issues.

Thanks for the stories everyone. I guess my in-laws and parents really aren't that bad, comparatively speaking! It's nice being able to vent, as DH thinks it's totally natural and doesn't understand why it would tick me off.

 

[stephbolt]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

My mother brings it up pretty frequently. She knows my sister and I want kids, but she wants to know when they are coming! I think she also is concerned because it took her almost 5 years of trying to get preggo, so she doesn't want me or my sister to go through that especially since she started trying when she was younger than either of us, so she's always talking about how we aren't getting any younger (we are 27 and 2.

My MIL has never said anything to either me or my husband. She really isn't much for butting into our lives though, but I'm sure she will be excited whenever we do tell her we are expecting, especially since DH is her only child.

 

[kateydid05]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

My parents never bring it up. My boyfriends mother brings it up occasionally and we aren't even engaged. My friends that are slightly older bring it up all the time. My one friend (I'm 26 and she is 37) just assumes I'm having children regardless what I say (I have no intentions of having children and have mentioned this numerous times). I am not uneasy around children but I just don't care for them until they're older. My friend will put her kids in my lap or request that I babysit as if this argument is up for a debate on convincing me to want to have kids. Apparently this is not my decision! I'm open the possibility that my mind might change in the next few years but some people are not respectful of my opinion currently.

 

[amc80]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Funny, I have the opposite problem. My mom tells me not to have kids. Usually with a disgusted look on her face. Which is AWESOME to hear from your own mom.

 

[MustangGal]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

We were the first to get married on both sides, so got some kid pressure from the IL's after the first year or two. MIL believes in waiting 3 years after marriage to have kids, so at least I got a little break. Once we hit that she was asking all the time (I wasn't preggo until our 7th anniversary). My mom had her first at 16, so she was more laid-back and didn't bother us about it.

Now that we have one, MIL is even worse about asking for a #2. She thinks we are ruining our child by not giving him a sibling, and it took DH making some pretty sharp comments to her to get her to shut up about it. My mom would love another grandchild, but seems to respect that it's our decision and asking us about it isn't going to change things.

 

[violet3]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Nearly every conversation with my mother since she met my now-DH has somehow involved mention of her future grandchildren.

When I posted our honeymoon pictures on that social networking site, she commented on several of them saying "I hope that's a fertility god" or "I hope that's a fertility [insert name of photographed animal here]".

We also got stuffed mini egg and sperm in a petri dish for Christmas (when we were still just engaged, and 6 months out from the wedding!), along with boys and girls University of Michigan baby booties. (And that was the "save the best for last" present...**headdesk**)

It's...ummmm...special. I'll just leave it at that.

holy bananas - i thought my mom was bad!!!! so sorry vc10um

 

[tammy77]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

My mother was awful about it! I was an only child, she wanted more but had to take Clomid to have me and never could conceive again. I became her chance to have a baby around and she FREQUENTLY told me "I wouldn't mind if you accidentally got pregnant"...when I was like 17! It was unhealthy, to say the least.

She married my dad when she was 17 though, so for her that was the norm I guess. Anyhow, when I "finally" married (read: rushed to the altar b/c of so much pressure from them b/c I was "living in sin") she was GO GO GO for babies. It totally messed with my head and I couldn't stop worrying about the possibility of having fertility issues. So at 24 after countless "you're not getting any younger" comments, I stopped BC and started temping to get an idea of if I was ovulating. Turns out, I read the book wrong (seriously, I'm NOT stupid...sigh). I got pregnant within like 2 months. I had another child 2 yrs later because being an only child sucked, so that one was totally on me. Best blessing in disguise, but yeah. I'm no fan of rushing people into having children...MYOB!

Unfortunately I ended up having to divorce my girls' father after 10 years. I'm now happily married to the right man for me and also happy to report that just yesterday his mom and I talked about babies. She said flat out that she is staying 100% out of that decision, that it's between B and I. She has 3 (ridiculously cute but high maintenance) grandsons though, so that might be why she doesn't push at all. I don't have to worry about my mother pressuring me because she's (at least for the last 2 yrs, and unforeseeable future) not a part of my life or my children's lives.

Wow what a long winded response, sorry!

 

[vc10um]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Nearly every conversation with my mother since she met my now-DH has somehow involved mention of her future grandchildren.

When I posted our honeymoon pictures on that social networking site, she commented on several of them saying "I hope that's a fertility god" or "I hope that's a fertility [insert name of photographed animal here]".

We also got stuffed mini egg and sperm in a petri dish for Christmas (when we were still just engaged, and 6 months out from the wedding!), along with boys and girls University of Michigan baby booties. (And that was the "save the best for last" present...**headdesk**)

It's...ummmm...special. I'll just leave it at that.

holy bananas - i thought my mom was bad!!!! so sorry vc10um

Haha, thanks for the sympathy, violet!

Oh, and for the person who asked...here are the links to the egg and sperm that we got for Christmas. We got the mini microbes. Mom says there's only one of each, so I think she got them in a store, instead of ordering online where you get 3 of each.

...I think we're going to keep getting a set for Christmas each year until we reproduce.

 

[amc80]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Nearly every conversation with my mother since she met my now-DH has somehow involved mention of her future grandchildren.

When I posted our honeymoon pictures on that social networking site, she commented on several of them saying "I hope that's a fertility god" or "I hope that's a fertility [insert name of photographed animal here]".

We also got stuffed mini egg and sperm in a petri dish for Christmas (when we were still just engaged, and 6 months out from the wedding!), along with boys and girls University of Michigan baby booties. (And that was the "save the best for last" present...**headdesk**)

It's...ummmm...special. I'll just leave it at that.

holy bananas - i thought my mom was bad!!!! so sorry vc10um

Haha, thanks for the sympathy, violet!

Oh, and for the person who asked...here are the links to the egg and sperm that we got for Christmas. We got the mini microbes. Mom says there's only one of each, so I think she got them in a store, instead of ordering online where you get 3 of each.

...I think we're going to keep getting a set for Christmas each year until we reproduce.

Okay, your mom is totally obnoxious, but those are really cute.

 

[chemgirl]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

We don't really get this from our parents, but we do hear about it from friends all of the time. Every time I decide I don't want alcohol, or I order a vegetarian dish instead of sushi, or I just don't feel like doing some extreme sport, everyone assumes that I'm pregnant. They don't ask me, they just assume. I keep on hearing that there are rumors that I'm pregnant, but we're not even trying! I find myself ordering beer when I don't really feel like it just so people stop talking about me!

So I skipped my morning coffee, maybe I'm trying to be healthier for myself, not for a baby!

ETA: Is it weird that I want some stuffed sperm and eggs in a petri dish? I'm a nerd.

ETA2: I am totally giving DH herpes for his birthday http://www.giantmicrobes.com/ca/products/herpes.html

 

[charbie]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Funny, I have the opposite problem. My mom tells me not to have kids. Usually with a disgusted look on her face. Which is AWESOME to hear from your own mom.

This was my mom for a very long time. She always has said she's too young to be a grandma. (She's turning 53 this year tho...) and neverasked for grandkids, but is soooooo thrilled she's going to be a grandma soon.
DHs mom...while she never bugged us about having kids, it has been painfully obvious she wanted grandkids of her own. She always has been asking which of DHs friends wives are pregnant/how their kids are, etc. And she is crazy about all of her great nieces and nephews. Which I mean, its great to know she's so enthusiastic, but I know when she comes over to "help" after the baby arrives, it really means she is going to steal my child and think watching the baby will give me a good chance to clean the house or cook dinner. im actually a bit nervous about her trying to be at our house ALL THE TIME when the baby comes, and DH isn't very good at setting up boundaries with his family....

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

My husband's family has never asked when/if we're having kids. It's been sort of relief, to be honest, but they've always been pretty "hands-off" in that way. My mom, on the other hand, has finally given up on asking us about having kids. It's taken her a few years to get there though.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

I am very different from these moms, that's for sure! Our daughter got married last December and they wanted a baby and she was pregnant in Feb! My reaction was happy but not ecstatic like she might have expected because I thought it was kind of nuts (although I certainly didn't say it!). They will be 26 (her) and 30 (him) when the baby is born, so they are mature enough to make the decision, obviously. But we did a lot of things like save money and buy a bigger house before we had kids, but to each his own!

 

[megumic]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

We actually recently got great grandparent pressure! At their 80th bday party, DH's grandfather said, "look, all these grandkids and no great grandkids!" To that I said, "NOT IT!" and quickly put my finger on my nose and looked at the others...

Chances are we'll actually be first, but it's just funny coming from the great grandparents and less from the parents.

 

[Mannequin]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

My MIL was pressuring me and my then boyfriend/now husband to breed after only one year of dating. "You can have a small justice of the peace ceremony and a backyard party, and then the kids can participate in a bigger reception when they are older." Ugh. His mom is one of ten kids, and that family has always been the high pressure group when it comes to having children. After we got married this past fall, my uterus became public property and the comments increased. I wasn't pregnant at Mother's Day brunch, but his mom and his aunts all still made a "can't wait to say Happy MD to you soon" remark. Now that I am in fact 6 weeks preggo, I am worried that MIL is going to show up to see baby all the time when it is born. She has little interest in me or my husband usually, but now that we are having the first grandchild, she is likely to be overly involved.

Thankfully, my parents and family never really pressured us to spawn. The only thing I noticed with my own mother was text messages with cute kids names. "I met a girl named Blahdeblah today and I thought it was an adorable name," etc. Her own way of saying she was excited about being a grandma, without being overly pushy. I told her how much I appreciated this because of the MIL's ways of dropping hints weren't subtle.

I expect that after we have our first baby, his family will be the ones egging us on for #2. We plan to have 2 or 3 kids anyway, but I will have to come up with some good quips to tell them when they start pushing for more kids NOWNOWNOW.

 

[platinumrock]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Nearly every conversation with my mother since she met my now-DH has somehow involved mention of her future grandchildren.

When I posted our honeymoon pictures on that social networking site, she commented on several of them saying "I hope that's a fertility god" or "I hope that's a fertility [insert name of photographed animal here]".

We also got stuffed mini egg and sperm in a petri dish for Christmas (when we were still just engaged, and 6 months out from the wedding!), along with boys and girls University of Michigan baby booties. (And that was the "save the best for last" present...**headdesk**)

It's...ummmm...special. I'll just leave it at that.

holy bananas - i thought my mom was bad!!!! so sorry vc10um

Haha, thanks for the sympathy, violet!

Oh, and for the person who asked...here are the links to the egg and sperm that we got for Christmas. We got the mini microbes. Mom says there's only one of each, so I think she got them in a store, instead of ordering online where you get 3 of each.

...I think we're going to keep getting a set for Christmas each year until we reproduce.

Okay, your mom is totally obnoxious, but those are really cute.

I agree. They look like little peeps in a cage.

My mom used to bug us about when we were having kids but she eventually gave up when 6 years of marriage went by and nothing has changed. My inlaws have always been respectful about it and never brought it up. "We're not ready" and "Hubby doesn't want them" seemed to do the trick. lol

Don't people realize that when you have a kid, YOU'RE the one that comes home with the baby? And YOU have to raise them? They get to "borrow" and "play with" the kid, but you're the one that's responsible for them when the fun is over.

It's not like having a puppy and you can throw it in the crate when you need to leave the house. You can actually go to jail for this.

 

[partgypsy]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Nearly every conversation with my mother since she met my now-DH has somehow involved mention of her future grandchildren.

When I posted our honeymoon pictures on that social networking site, she commented on several of them saying "I hope that's a fertility god" or "I hope that's a fertility [insert name of photographed animal here]".

We also got stuffed mini egg and sperm in a petri dish for Christmas (when we were still just engaged, and 6 months out from the wedding!), along with boys and girls University of Michigan baby booties. (And that was the "save the best for last" present...**headdesk**)

It's...ummmm...special. I'll just leave it at that.

This OMG! How do you handle this? Can you at this point say, "how about you live your life and I'll live mine" or is it too late for subtle hints like that?

 

[partgypsy]

Re: Women bringing up grandchildren with their adult childre

Megumic, that's funny, that's how it was for my husband and I. I don't know if it's because my husband and I are a bit bohemian, we didn't really get pressure from either side asking when we were going to have kids (maybe we thought we would forget them somewhere, drop them on their head?).
My mom made a couple isolated peeps, nothing too bad, but already had a couple grandkids.
The one who brought it up the most was my husband's grandmother who would say stuff when we visited like "When am I going to get a grandchild, don't wait until I'm too old to enjoy it" and he would say, "you mean great-grandchild? I'm your grandson" and then she would say "you know what I mean I'm not getting any younger!"
There was a sudden grand-baby boom and she did live to have 6 (great) grandkids. Faculties intact till the end. She told my hubbie's Dad on more than one occasion "tell the (great) grandkids stories about me, so they know about me". And when my oldest saw her (for the last time) she grabbed her hands and said "remember me, don't forget about me!" It was kind of shocking at the time, but besides being famous I guess grandkids and great grandkids are the closest shots we have to immortality.