Why??

[yourdelight]

Hi Pricescopers!

Need to have another vent....

I was just (kind of) getting used to my FF putting off the engagement until he gets his work situation sorted, then tonight he says he'd maybe like to have his own place before we get engaged. This means it will take even longer before he proposes/we can get wed. Not only does he have to sort his career out but THEN get somewhere to live.

We decided to live at home until we got married now it seems like he's making new ways to delay things... he wouldn't even be buying a place he'd be renting on his own, then we'd buy somewhere just before we got married. I don't understand :S

It just keeps upsetting me... he already has the ring and I at least thought he wanted to get engaged so why is he putting all these things in the way and going against everything we'd talked about together?? Every time we speak he makes out it's going to be pushed even further back.

I keep wondering if there will be another reason to delay things... I feel like we are taking a step backwards each day because it just seems SO uncertain.

This time 2 weeks ago I was planning (in my head) for a November 2009 wedding and now I don't even feel like we'll be engaged next year. My boyfriend thinks I'm stupid getting upset.. but I know people on here understand how I feel.

I have a job interview tomorrow and it's important as it's a big step up career wise and I just don't feel enthusiastic/confident because I feel down/confused about the engagement- it's crazy!

I'm too involved in the whole thing but once you're involved in the excitement it's so hard to detach yourself from it all. *Sigh*.

Any tips on how to just at least TRY and forget about it?? I don't want to end up damaging our relationship because of it.

 

[purselover]

Hi Yourdelight, first off good luck on your interview tomorrow! I hope you can relax before then. Second off I really hate to say it and please don''t be mad, but I totally see why your SO wants his own place. Renting really isn''t bad if it''s done for a few years at a reasonable rate. It really doesn''t seem like he is being so unreasonable you made it seem like it was ridiculous he wanted his career settled and a place to live before getting engaged, but I agree with him that those things should be done. I think you should be supportive of him getting his life on track, if he doesn''t get his career sorted out that will affect you in the long term if you were married, (not to mention possible resentment on his part if you are more concerned with a ring than his career future) I also personally wouldn''t want to go straight from my parent''s house to my married house I think people need to be on their own and learn to manage their money, bills and other responsibilities that often get neglected when living at home. Your mom may not kick you out for not paying bills but your landlord sure will. Have you talked about possibly moving in together? Are you upset that he wants to rent an apartment, or are you upset he wants to rent it alone?

I''m sorry if I sound harsh, b/c I''m sorry that you''re upset esp since tomorrow''s an important day for you, I just wanted to be honest

 

[yourdelight]

Hi Purse

Thanks for the response

I think I am upset because we were buying a house this year which went wrong so we then decided to stay at home until we married as we wasted a lot of time and money due to the poor economic climate. He has lived on his own for many years but moved back home 2 years ago with his parents because it made more financial sense. We said we would get engaged then buy somewhere so we would have a place to live when we got married- now he''s talking about renting even before we get engaged... so even that has gone out of the window!

I supposed I''m more upset because everything''s turned upside down and I guess I need a reality check!!

 

[purselover]

It''s all clicking for me now! I remember you''re post from the other week about your house and SO''s job. So sorry to hear about both, these are some hard adjustments to make. I think I understand why you''re upset about him renting now that I have more of the big pic, I didn''t realize he had already been on his own, and you were buying a house. I understand him wanting to get a new job and settled with that before proposing but agree with you that I don''t understand the renting then? Anyway just wanted to say I see more now where you''re coming from and I hope you two can figure this out. I believe you were also discussing changing your minds and maybe moving in together in a previous post (please correct if I''m wrong) is this still something you''re discussing? Maybe after the job front is settled it would make more sense if you saved money and rented together and put off buying, he may understandably be put off about making such a big purchase after the way the economy is going, maybe also that''s why he hasn''t proposed b/c he is sticking to the part about buying at the same time. Does that make any sense?? He may think the house and ring go together?

 

[choro72]

The problem I see is that the conversation you are having is "hon, I've changed my mind again. I'm not proposing until I've lived on my own for a while".
Judging from the fact that he has the ring already, at this point in the relationship the conversation should be going as "Hon, I'm having seconds thoughts about my current situation and there are some plans that I want to change. Can we discuss how it will affect our future and reevaluate some things?"

Threadjack: purselover, is that an actual kitten in your avatar? I've never seen one that fits on a palm of a hand!

/Threadjack

 

[goodfun7580]

Hi Yourdelight! Sorry you are going through this! I have to agree with choro72. The fact that he is again changing the game plan is not good. You guys need to sit down and have an honest conversation re: Engagement. For all you know, this may not change anything, except add a year of two of renting to the game. He may be thinking after the engagement or marriage that you would move in to where ever he''s at. I know this is hard, but you need to find out his intentions and then make a decision based on facts, not your fears (assuming you haven''t already had this convo

). Good luck!

 

[gwendolyn]

Did you ask him why he feels the need to live on his own in rented accommodations before getting engaged? I can understand plans changing due to not getting the house earlier, but why wouldn't you live with him in a rented apartment? Why did he specify living on his own, if you were originally going to be living in a house bought together? Hopefully I'm just misunderstanding something, because that's sending up a bit of a red flag to me.

 

[KimberlyH]

If I were in your shoes I''d be extremely concerned about his need to continually delay engagement. What I wouldn''t be bothered by is his desire to live on his own first. It''s an experience I almost didn''t have (I was engaged to a guy prior to DH and we both lived at home, I called it off, moved out, lived life, met and married DH) and am so thankful I did. I learned and grew in ways I couldn''t have imagined by living on my own, it was a priceless experience and one I would highly recommend.

 

[EricaR]

I gotta back up KimberlyH on this one. Living on your own is something that everyone should experience - I think I grew in many more ways that I can count during my three years alone.

BUT! That doesn''t mean that he can continue putting you off over and over. If you have had a rational discussion and agreed that both of you are at the same place when it comes to your relationship, then you have every right to ask him why he is delaying it.

 

[partgypsy]

It sounds like he has already lived on his own for a number of years. What is different is instead of continuing their original plan of getting a house together he wants to go back to living on his own again. I would definitely be concerned, and would hope that my significant other would want to live with me. You need to have an honest discussion with him. Just because he has the ring doesn''t mean he isn''t having second thoughts, either about the whole thing or at least the time line.

 

[ash313]

Good luck on that interview!

I agree with others that a candid discussion about his change of mind that affects both of your lives is required.

But, that doesn''t help you in the meantime. If I try to put myself in your shoes, I would do something to focus on ME before that interview. Go to a yoga class, go running even, get a mani, a haircut or style, get a massage. Something to be good to yourself and pump up your confidence. Focus on you and you alone.

Then after the interview, focus on the boy. Request a sit-down and have a nice talk.


Best of luck to you, sweetie! (((HUGS)))