Why wait?

[Sparklelu]

There is a Rocky Talky thread with a dithering Groom to be and it got me thinking. I'm old so forgive me if I'm rude.
Why do some guys talk engagement, research the ring, or have GF research the ring. Buy the ring, continue the relationship. Sometimes, many times the couple is living together already "acting" married. But the guy hangs on to the ring. The GF knows he owns the ring, she may or may not even get to try it on when he is not home
But months go by, and no ring.
If the ring has been purchased, why wait?
To save money for the wedding, house, car, pay off student debt I've heard them all at one time or another... But this is not a valid argument since the ring has been purchased and paid for so it doesn't factor as an excuse.
One of my daughters friends BF purchased the ring in March of 2013 it is now 2014 no ring on her finger. They live together,have shared finances,travel as a couple send out joint Christmas cards, they are planning or rather talking about a baby!!! But the ring sits in a safety box. He says he is waiting to surprise her!!
ANY THOUGHTS, esp From guys who have held on to the ring???
Or am I just an old fart out of touch with the hip youth you don't do it the way the old folks did?

 

[kenny]

Re: Why wait?

Hard to say.
People are complicated.

I certainly do not make any sense, even to myself.

 

[distracts]

Re: Why wait?

I don't know. I don't understand it. I think some people think there is some magic way you can know if you are compatible with someone forever. This makes me think their relationships won't last, because imo the only way you can be compatible with someone forever is by constant work. My husband and I got engaged as soon as we knew we wanted to marry each other. Same with my parents and brother. So maybe I was just raised differently. I also think if my boyfriend had purchased the ring and then sat on it for a year, I would think he wasn't serious about marriage. There are some people who are fine being together without ever getting married, but I am not one of them and that would be my cue to leave. Maybe I am just old-fashioned.

 

[JewelFreak]

Re: Why wait?

I'm with you, Distracts. If he goes to the trouble & expense to buy a ring, then hides it away for a long time, that would send me a definite signal that he doesn't want to pull the trigger. Maybe guys buy it from pressure from the GF or maybe because they feel they should want to marry her, but I don't think a relationship with that ambivalence will end well.

-- Laurie

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Why wait?

MY DH proposed the day he got it in his hands. So he can't explain it and I can't either.

Franky, I think they've got issues if they hold onto the ring for more than 3 months.

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Why wait?

I'm guessing some guys are waiting for that special moment. And that some are waiting to stage the perfect proposal - at a romantic or exotic get-away, or on a significant anniversary, or maybe at a location that's special to the couple. Or maybe even the over-the-top romantic proposal. And it could also be about maintaining the element of surprise, especially if the woman already knows what the ring looks like.

And in some cases I suspect it has to do with ambivalence - not exactly what you want about such an important decision - or about control, and not necessarily in a good way.

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Why wait?

Do a lot of guys do this??

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Why wait?

Do a lot of guys do this??

yes, some time it is hard to decide if they have more than one GF...

 

[kenny]

Re: Why wait?

The answer from the horse's mouth …

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Why wait?

I'm sure they're gonna ask. Why go through the stress and expense of buying a ring if you're not?

 

[Harpertoo]

Re: Why wait?

I must be an old fart because this scenario seems unusual and odd to me.
The thing I saw a few times with my peers was a couple together for a fairly long time, like maybe mid college and a few years beyond, both sort of presuming marriage and engagement were eminent, guy feeling pressured, bought ring, gave ring, break-up ensues quite quickly.
There was a lot of pressure and expectations built around the engagement and it was like a train that could not be stopped until it came up against the reality of legal marriage. I even knew two couples who seemed to be breaking up while going through the motions of an engagement. It seriously made me question our roles in these expectations. I remember one guy who was having doubts telling me his girlfriend had been a good girlfriend and "deserved" the engagement. It was a little disturbing.

 

[Laila619]

Re: Why wait?

My own personal theory is that when a guy does this, he's not quite 100% sure about the lady.

 

[packrat]

Re: Why wait?

Or maybe it's something he can lord over her?

 

[pregcurious]

Re: Why wait?

My husband couldn't wait to ask me once he had the ring, but he also skipped asking my parents and did not pick a ring that fit my aesthetic.

I would say, if a man waits, he is not just waiting to decide on his marriage, but probably does this for other important decisions.

I don't think there is one "right" way, but I do think the way a man asks is a reflection of that man. It has to work for the woman.

 

[vintagelover229]

Re: Why wait?

I met my DH about 6 months after ending a bad relationship. We were an international couple. We met in Feb. and he bought the ring (that I found on DB) in April (got it in June). I thought since we were international (I stayed in Canada on a visitor visa) we would get engaged quickly. However we had things that we needed to grow together in and things to learn about our relationship. We both wanted to get engaged but there were things we both needed to see before that happened. He held onto the ring for over a year (got in in June and didn't propose until the following July). I got to see the ring-he showed people the ring-heck a few weeks before we were 'formally' engaged I got to see a very old friend who I rarely get to see and he let me wear it that weekend we visited her so she could see it (she also had just gotten engaged).

Since he knew I was waiting for it he did it while we were camping and didn't even propose with the ring. It was under the stars-the last night of our 10 day back country camping trip (canoe in-portage-canoe again-another portage-canoe again) it was perfect.

The ring was bought because I loved it-and because the price was right. We knew we were going to get married-it was just a matter of the right time. We had a short engagement and were engaged at the end of July and were married in early Dec. so less than 4 months.

I do think some men do it to 'hold it over their heads' or some just like to have it for the right moment and even some do it because they believe she is the right person-but maybe they are waiting to ask permission or to finish school or who know what.

It was killer waiting for the ring at first. I was SO focused on the 'next phase' that I didn't enjoy the phase we were in. As soon as I relaxed and let it go and stopped talking/thinking about it-things happened on their own.

You only get to be gf and bf for a short time-engaged a short time-and married for a life time.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Why wait?

My BIL did this. I think he waited about 9 months.

He has been with his wife for about 12 years, eight pre-engagement. They are a very happy couple and been married three years now. I think he waited for two reasons. He bought the diamond from us, and he bought it because it was a good price, but it was available before he was really ready or looking. And also I think maybe he felt that once he was married he would have to "settle down" and have kids. Stop travelling. And he wasn't ready for that. At least, that's the only reason I can think that he waited!

 

[LaraOnline]

Re: Why wait?

I'm so glad my husband proposed early. It was a vote of confidence in me, and in our relationship, that has had a profound positive impact on the course of our relationship through the years.
We didn't get a fancy engagement ring, btw, and my husband was just starting a new business. We have grown our enterprise together, and I got my 'grown-up' engagement ring five years into the marriage.

In Australia it is very common in some circles for women to be expected to buy a home with a boyfriend, even have children together... all without showing too many sign of being 'pushy' or *expecting* a proposal

Each to their own, but social expectations are set by social norms, and I'm glad I personally did not have that social norm. I'm glad my man stepped up and I didn't have to totally 'prove my case'. It was a courtesy I am grateful for to this day.

 

[amc80]

My own personal theory is that when a guy does this, he's not quite 100% sure about the lady.

I agree. If a guy wants to be engaged, he will find a way to make it happen. Time, distance, money, work, etc. won't stop him. I've asked DH about this and he agrees. He says the only reason a guy isn't engaged is because he doesn't want to be engaged.

 

[justginger]

Re: Why wait?

It sorta feels like you're danged if you do, danged if you don't. Everyone has preferences for what the 'perfect timing' is to get engaged. Some of these younger men who have the ring, because they're confident of the relationship, may be waiting so they don't catch flak for being impulsive and naive.

My DH had my ring for about 2 months before proposing. I picked out the center stone and the setting, and it was the only way he could put his own personality into the proposal. He wanted it to be special, so he held on to it long enough to ensure I wasn't actively expecting it. He did promise me it would be less than 6 months after we got the ring though.

 

[zoebartlett]

Re: Why wait?

I'm with you, Distracts. If he goes to the trouble & expense to buy a ring, then hides it away for a long time, that would send me a definite signal that he doesn't want to pull the trigger. Maybe guys buy it from pressure from the GF or maybe because they feel they should want to marry her, but I don't think a relationship with that ambivalence will end well.

-- Laurie

I don't think that just because a guy purchases a ring and then hides it for a while, it means he isn't ready to get engaged or married. In more extreme cases, sure, anything's possible, but I think usually he just wants until a specific time (upcoming holiday, vacation, special moment) to pop the question.

Having said that, I don't really get hiding the ring for months on end, but I don't see that it necessarily means things aren't going well in the relationship.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Re: Why wait?

I think there are 'issues' when the guy keeps the ring hidden for months. It seems like he is really saying, 'I am not really ready to be committed to you'. At least that is how I would read it. I'm and all or nothing kind of person and that so wouldn't be ok with me. But it seems to be ok with so many people so maybe I am the only one who feels that way.

 

[pandabee]

Why wait?

My FI and I bought the ring well over a year before he proposed. We got a great deal on it but were still in school (our last year). We got it September 2012 and he held onto it until this past Christmas Eve, 7 months after we graduated (which we had discussed previously that we wouldn't be getting engaged until after that anyway). I don't think we have any major "issues" or he was debating not marrying me. He had his own reasons and own timeline and of course it drove me crazy but it doesn't make me doubt my relationship with him because he decided to take so long even though we already had the ring.

It's definitely a frustrating position for the lady, hence our ladies in waiting board, "waiting" boards on other wedding forums, etc. because these girls have talked about marriage to their SO, some have bought rings. But to immediately label any couple where the man didn't propose in an arbitrarily defined time as "soon enough" as doomed to fail because there are inherent issues with the relationship is rather harsh. Every couple is different.

 

[LaraOnline]

Re: Why wait?

Interesting conversation.
I agree with JG that the engagement process seems to be somewhat 'eye of a needle', and there will always be a bunch of pressure on the prospective bride and groom.
But I do wonder whether the men who do wait 'for the perfect time' are aware of the pressures that waiting in and of itself can bring on a sensitive gf. Of course, for many women (those NOT on the waiting forums lol) a wedding is 'just' a tradition and maybe a lot of fuss... perhaps they are the ones that move on and just 'act married' already lol.
But for others, delicate flowers such as myself lol, the tradition has incredible meaning and without a proposal and a plan it could be difficult to move forward in life once the relationship has gotten to a certain point. I mean, the with-holding of a proposal can be incredibly emotionally and psychologically damaging to women in really drawn out cases!

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Re: Why wait?

I'm an old fart as well. Mr. St. Clare proposed {officially} while we were doing laundry, we shopped for a ring and he put it on my finger 2 minutes after coming home from picking it up. He didn't even take off his jacket.

I have no time for people who play games, and IMO buying a ring and then NOT giving it to her within a short period of time is just plain MEAN.

 

[lyra]

Re: Why wait?

Another older person here, 31 years married this year. We looked at rings, I picked a style, we ordered it made and I got it the day it was done. Just the pragmatic thing to do. Why wait when you've communicated 100% with each other and are on the same page. Plus, I truly hate surprises, although that would have been fine too. We were easygoing.

I dislike the way I see things going now, where a couple does live together for years before the woman is deemed acceptable. Either you've had open communication with each other over the years and are in agreement, or you're not. Men shouldn't have all the power in the decision. It should be a joint decision with or without the surprise, and shouldn't be drawn out IMO. Some exceptions would apply. But in the case where the actual ring has been purchased, I don't think it should be a long drawn out process. Don't buy the ring if you're not ready. JMO of course.

 

[madelise]

Re: Why wait?

Wow. I kind of feel personally hurt by this since many of you PSers knew and followed along with my journey, one that took 2 years of waiting and over 1 year post-diamond purchase. I love all the assumptions that are being made here.

 

[OreoRosies86]

Re: Why wait?

In my friend's case, he happened to find an incredible deal on a ring (store closing sale) so he bought it knowing that he wanted to marry his now wife, but not knowing when it would happen. Timing wasn't great but it was too good a deal to pass up. They ended up buying a house together. Once they closed on it he took her on a trip and proposed!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Re: Why wait?

There are so many different reasons and each couple has their own. As long as they are both happy in the end, so what? If it is a case of the guy "lording it over" his lady, I'm sure the relationship won't last in the long run anyway. We all have our own routes any many of them may seem weird. My DH and I knew we wanted to marry and were engaged quite young 18 &19, people thought we were crazy for doing that. Then we waited four years to get married, another odd ball thing people thought was weird. Now we've been married for almost six years but still haven't had children, people often think that's weird too and have the need to tell me so. But in the end, it's OUR life and not anyone else's, that's what matters. We all do things in our own time

 

[manderz]

Re: Why wait?

Wow. I kind of feel personally hurt by this since many of you PSers knew and followed along with my journey, one that took 2 years of waiting and over 1 year post-diamond purchase. I love all the assumptions that are being made here.

I know. I was with hubs for ~7 years before we were engaged. He got the ring and we got engaged 8 months later. My brother and his gf have been together 3 years, and he bought a ring over a year ago, and still no proposal. Each relationship has its own timeline, and any pushing and prodding and pressure is only going to screw up that timeline. People are often curious why we waited 10 years to get married, when we'd already bought a house 5 years prior? It was just our time.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Re: Why wait?

The thing that bugs me about the whole idea of a "Lady in Waiting," which is a role or status implied by this thread, is that it supports traditional gender roles in a way that I don't think is healthy for a relationship. Specifically, the notion that a woman must wait for the man to be "ready" to settle down, and the notion that somehow it is HIS choice, not hers, to commit and be married. Commitment should not be a unilateral decision, it should be mutual. So the idea that the woman must wait months or years for her bf to propose makes me ask: Why is she so ready before him? Is she rushing? Does she have overly romantic notions of relationships? Is she overlooking red flag issues in their bond? Why is he dragging along behind? Is he unsure? Is he making a power play? I don't think that type of asymmetry in power, in roles, in decision-making is a good thing generally speaking. Obviously, sometimes people take a while to get engaged, as has been talked about in this thread, and it is a mutual decision! But if the woman is ready and "waiting", the man buys a ring, and then he waits. And waits. And waits. That is a situation that would make me, personally, really start asking some hard questions of myself and my relationship. But I am not a very traditional woman. Maybe it all makes more sense if you adopt traditional gender roles?