Why so much time

[andrea]

I am NOT trying to start anything, but why is it that it takes most people so long to purchase a ring?
You have an idea what you want to spend, and to some degree, the specs on a stone.
And I''m not picking at or on you Diehard, but I read a thread, and you have gone to great length''s to find a ring.
What''s the scoop?
Is it that noone knows a thing about diamonds, or are you looking for something specific?
Just interested.
And, trying to take the heat off of some of the other threads

 

[fire&ice]

I admire the care & time many of these guys take to purchase a gift for their future forever partner. The diamond ring is not only an major investment - it is truly an investment into the future.

The best gifts to receive are the ones with great thought put into it. I have been married 20 years. To this day, I would be disappointed in my hubby if the day before my birthday, he went to the mall & picked out a gift without much effort or thought. It's easy to purchase a ring & just pick one. It is the *selection* that requires thought & effort.


I, for one, can appreciate those guys who care enough about their soon to be to get it absolutely right.

 

[andrea]

I'm not accustomed to having something thought of with such great intensity, however it would be nice

But to the lengths that some have gone are a little extreme, wouldn't you say

We don't take that much time looking for a car, or really even a house.
You see something you like, the price is right, and you buy it.
Prime example: I bought myself a diamond that had an obvious inclusion in it, and the color was rich. I was happy with it until I took it and had it appraised. To the naked eye, all you could see was the small carbon spot on top, but it had an actual crack, and several feathers. Up until then I was perfectly happy with it, and even with all of the negative's against the stone, it still had alot of fire to it.
Of course, now that I know all of this, I'm happier with the nicer stone my hubby bought for me.
So I guess my question is still this: Do we tend to look beyond our gut reaction, and go for the numbers, letters, and values, rather than be happy with what our eyes see.
I've seen alot of guys ask, "Does this stone look O.K.", because the ring I actually like, is 3 colors lower, and the clarity drops 2 notches. What's up.
Shouldn't we buy what appeals to us, and not worry about anything else (Within reason

)

 

[fire&ice]

At the end of the day, I believe many of these guys go with their gut.

JMHO, I think many of them are going through a "bigger" process. Working through a substantial financial commitment & one's own personal commitment can be tough.

Yes, some are obsessive. For the most part though, many of these guys touch my heart with wanting to "get it right".

 

[andrea]

Good point. They do know how to procrastinate

And I guess some are just perfectionists (unnecessarily at times

)
There are a few on this forum, but believe me you, I am NOT going to open THAT can of worms

 

[DiehardSearcher]

I can only speak for myself, but I assume it was my post that made you wonder.

I did spend over a year looking. It wasn't an obsessive behavior until the last few months.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, which means I began looking before we had even dated a year. I was basically hoping that I would need one in the not-too-distant future, and I love to plan ahead. I initially began looking just to get a better idea of the things you mentioned above (price, size, color, etc...). As I looked into it, I had fun tracking prices and learning the mathematics behind it.

I did not make my girlfriend wait for a year while I found the perfect diamond (although she may tell you differently). I may have made her wait for a few months now though. I just had fun with the task while we got to the point where we are ready.

BTW, I have a spreadsheet of home stats/sales in the neighborhood I want to live in. I have a spreadsheet of bicycle prices for my dream upgrades. It is just my nature to do things that way. Others are impulsive, and believe me, sometimes I would much rather be an impulsive buyer. I searched for a Wine Cellar for 3 months, then my girlfriend got fed up with me...she looked and ordered one the same day. It cost 8k and I about fainted, but it turned out perfect. That is her nature.

 

[andrea]

A little obsessive-compulsive behavior here

I have to admit, when it comes to doing "homework", my husband is a little lacking in nature.

Just to prove how bad he can be. I was with him one time (on my b-day), and he told me to wait in the car while he went into the store. He came back with a card, and a gift. I was so mad

I told him after that, if he couldn't at least do it without me in the car, don't bother. Never again has that happened

 

[fire&ice]

----------------
On 4/10/2003 10:30:48 AM DiehardSearcher wrote:

BTW, I have a spreadsheet of home stats/sales in the neighborhood I want to live in. I have a spreadsheet of bicycle prices for my dream upgrades. It is just my nature to do things that way. Others are impulsive, and believe me, sometimes I would much rather be an impulsive buyer. I searched for a Wine Cellar for 3 months, then my girlfriend got fed up with me...she looked and ordered one the same day. It cost 8k and I about fainted, but it turned out perfect. That is her nature.
----------------

OMG, Are you my hubby?

He is the spreadsheet KING.....drives me nuts. He says he is not able to synthesize information as quick. He says I have a spreadsheet in my head. Me - no spreadsheets.

I even have a button on his desk with "Speadsheets" and a line drawn across it (depricting no spreadsheets).

Andrea, I am very high maintenance. Fortunately, I have a hubby that indulges me. Edited to add: that's not necessarily a good thing.

 

[Mara]

Ha ha did I hear the magic words? I am high-maintenance too and thank goodness my guy is mellow and mostly indulging or I am sure I would be in a perpetual fit of pique. He does put his foot down at times, and I know when to respect that...but that just means I back down for a while and then surprise him!

I am the researcher in the relationship...he is not like that at all. He's a buyer. When he's ready for something, he just gets it--and hopes its a good price. But he is not a shopper...he hardly ever buys anything, thats mostly my job. I research all of our trips, I research airfare and prices until I'm blue in the face. I made a spreadsheet of apartment rentals for him when we were first dating (hee hee) and found him a place that was $1200 less a month than he was paying before he met me. I have a three spreadsheets for my budget, my credit card bill payoff plans, and of course for our wedding (which is something like a 3 sheet excel workbook). I love crunching numbers, playing with dollar amounts, getting the best deals, etc.

For the ring purchase, I did it all because he knew I would. I tease him about how lazy he is! I'd die if he planned me a surprise party and could pull it off. The other day we were driving past this awesome place that is like a Cirque du Soleil in SF but it is a dinner thing while people perform. I have been wanting to go there for 2 years. But if I don't plan it, hah, it won't happen!! We drive into SF practically weekly for dinner but never have gone there. So I said...'I want my next bday to be there. Thats the only way to be sure everyone comes! So you have to plan it.' He goes...'Okay, good idea'. My bday is in October...I know he won't remember what I said I wanted!

That's okay, I will remind him...and probably plan most of it!!

The funny thing is that the other day, I was commenting on my ring, don't recall what I said, something about how maybe I shouldn't have been so involved and let him actually sweat it out for once. He laughed and said that if I hadn't been involved, I'd have gotten a 'tiny diamond chip in yellow gold'. That really cracked me up because NOTHING is farther from the truth. When I asked for diamond earrings .25each, .50ctw for daily use, he doubled it and bought me 1ctw because the other ones 'looked too small'. So I can pretty much guarantee that I would not have gotten a diamond chip in yellow gold, but (and this is the funny thing) probably something really darn close to what I have on my finger today, but MINUS the elaborate setting as he wouldn't have taken the time to research that. But the diamond, he would have made sure I got something top quality, and it probably would have been about the same size stone. Of course I drove myself nuts with numbers for 2-3 months before we settled on this stone and then drove myself nuts again with settings for another 1-2 months before committing to this ring.

What I like best about all of this is that I can do the research until I'm about to pass out. That's the fun part for me...all the research. But made a decision? Me? HAH. Then he floats in and makes the final decision. Easy as pie. And usually I'm okay with what he chose since by that point I have probably narrowed it down to my top 2-3 choices. I guess we make a good team!

Sorry for the ramble!

 

[fire&ice]

Mara, regarding remembering for your birthday:

You just sneak into his office & put "30 more shopping days left til Mara's Birthday" on his calendar. Repeat 15 days out, etc.

I'm high maintenance - but I'm not subtle!

 

[Mara]

I take it one step further, I actually give him a LIST of things I want about a week before my bday. No one has ever accused me of being subtle!

I can guarantee you he shops the night before. Whatever, as long as the list is in his hand

Otherwise I get weird gifts such as kitchen utensils and a new stainless steel trash can (gorgeous, but a trash can??)

 

[Rook]

I have also taken about a year to purchase a ring, and it is not over yet. Like other here, I have an obsessive need to research every purchase in order to make sure I buy the right item and get a fair deal. But, that is not entirely why it has taken me so long to buy a ring.

My girl and I have been dating for three years, and living together for two. I started looking casually for a ring a year ago and quickly relized that buying a diamond with the little I knew about them scared me. So I bought a few books about diamonds and read those. After a couple of months of reading and visiting different stores I found Pricescope. This site created an obsession with diamonds in me that almost drownded out the ring shopping. I was more interested in learning all I could about diamonds, particularly pear shapes since that is my girls fancy.

By the time I felt comfortable with buying a ring, six months had passed. Remember though, I am a full-time law student so time is slim, and I was in no hurry to propose (not that I was nervous but that we already lived together and I don't want the wedding until after I gradute.)

It was around October I decided to really buy, and then I started shopping for real. But, another hurdle. My credit report had some inaccurate information on it which took four months to correct. Bastards.

So around the end of December I really started shopping, credit card in hand, and I knew what I wanted. I did spend about three months talking with Rhino about finding the perfect stone, but this week I made the purchase and it is currently at Dave Atlas's lab. Also, currently Mark Morrell is constructing the ring, which should be done in a week or two.

So while it has taken a while, I don't find it too odd. I did have some hurdle to overcome, and as was said above, I had to find the one right ring for my girl.

I always take a long time to buy anything though, so this is not unusual for me.

 

[Binister]

Mara,

Are you referring to Teatro Zinzanni? If so, it is a great time and the food was better than average (not bad for dinner theatre!) An easy way to "remind" him would be to sign him up for updates and alerts at http://love.zinzanni.org/.

 

[kaylagee]

Sounds like it(Teatro Zinzanni)... I haven't been yet but it's on my 'list'.

I'm originally from the S.F. Bay Area(my husband is French, parisian - that's why I'm over here).

Mara, I have to give my hub gift ideas too... I wish my MIL was more like me so maybe he'd 'get it' already. She's very low- maintenance and so every time he does something for me - she makes a huge deal out of it....like I'm going to send him to the proverbial 'poor house' or 'early grave'. sigh.

On his own, he's cooperative - most of the time. Also like you, i do most of the shopping-research and then present my results(requests). It is so much fun comparing and I can really take *forever* to make a decision.

In fact, I just got my diamond 'e-ring' a few weeks ago( I wore a garnet ring in the interim) ago but we were married last August.

I just could not decide what I wanted (or if I even wanted a diamond at all..shhh... I'm sure that's sacrilege

in here, I know, but I strongly considered other stones too)

So, when I finally decided to go with a diamond - it took anoher *forever* choosing shape, learning about & figuring out my priorites as far as the 4 C's, trying online ordering or buying from a B&M shop. etc. etc.

I'm happy and glad that I took as long as I did to decide. I do have a bit of the shrinking stone syndrome already(it looked big enough when I opened the box the first time!)... but I'm trying to control myself.

We're also expecting our first baby in late July, so I really have try to not let my 'diamond fever' get the best of me.

 

[Mara]

Yes Teatro Zinzanni...we pass it all the time on Embarcadero. It looks so cool!! I just love the idea of eating (my favorite pasttime!) and entertainment together. Kind of like Foreign Cinema but cooler. So hopefully this year we will make it. The only reason its taken so long is that I have heard its best with a group, and so I figured that this year I could make sure everyone HAD to come if I paired it with my bday party. Sneaky!

I will definitely sign him up for the updates, thanks for the tip, B.

KG--my future MIL is so the same way! FI never buys gifts for his fam unless I make him, that is how he was raised...not very big on material items. But since he is away from home and visits are sparse, in my mind, small gifts are the best way to say hello. When future MIL saw a picture of my new ring (FI's sister showed her digi pix...they are in the East Coast), she made some sort of comment to FI about my expensive tastes etc, and when they all first met me 3 years ago, they were totally freaked out that I was spending all of his money and 'changing' him into some sort of weird pod person. This is because he was dressing better and we went out to party in SF alot with his sister while they were here. HAH he needed to loosen up when I met him, he had a very bad case of uptight East Coast syndrome...hee hee. Now he wears tees & flip-flops and enjoys himself, before he was very different (think button down shirts and slacks for a date out on a Friday night in downtown Palo Alto!). Better this way I think, though he still sometimes has relapses...hee hee.

He of course like a dutiful FI, told her how we got a great deal on the ring and setting and how it cost much less than it looked, etc. After that she seemed somewhat impressed rather than dismayed. He is her only son, and her favorite, so she has a bad case of motheritis...not wanting to let her 34 year old son go and make his own decisions. I just thank God that we don't live in the EC. Yet. But since we got engaged she has been really nice to me. I guess it finally sunk in that I'm not going anywhere and she better try to get along with me if she wants to see her son back in the EC anytime soon. He stayed out here for me (came out for work in 2000, we met that year and he has been here since) and the family knows that. I am somewhat adverse to the cold EC weather, but have agreed to a short stint after marriage. Contingent upon his family's good behavior.

It will be hard to be away from my family and don't even get me started on the weather! I ask him...why can't you be from the Carribbean or something? I'd move there!!

Shrinking syndrome..I hear ya. But then I catch a glimpse of my ring in the mirror and I think..wow it looks huge!

Balanced I guess. Once your baby comes, you will have another type of obsession not related to diamonds!

 

[Iceman]

I guess it takes all kinds , Im with you. Especially for an Ideal cut from these
vendors, what's to think about? But Im sure people don't understand my quirks
either on what I do. Like leaving a convertible sports car in the garage for 5 years
and not drive it ?

Diahard ~ What is your dream bike ? Here is a picture of my son when we were in
SF. I know you don't like pictures, but I love the camera , so you will have to enjoy
or put up with it

For my mountain bik'n I use a Gary Fisher Ki Ti and I have a
Trek for the other. Best exercise. After breaking my collar bone on the down hill
behind the top of Snow King mountain in Jackson hole , Ive been mostly flat landing
it

Instead of flat lining it

 

[andrea]

Just wait, Mara. I think it only gets worse as years go by (Motheritis)
My MI and I got along in the very beginning (and still do), but she's also gotten alot more posessive about my hubby. It's always been a routine for him to go over and have dinner with his folks on Tues eve, and at first I used to go with him. But then one night, she got me aside and said "I appreciate that you only come once in awhile" Hint taken

Now I only go over on occasions (My choice) I was totally offended, and especially now that we have two children.
He wasn't going to go anymore, but I told him that was fine that he keep going. And I decided that I'd take that same eve. every week to have dinner with my folks in town.
And as far as you "spending" "his" money, it's none of their business. I'm sure he's worked hard for what he's got, and if it were a problem, he'd say something.
Don't you love it that he treats you the way he does.
They're few and far between

My sister-in-law lives in Bakersfield, CA, and his parents might be moving out there in the near future

Am I terrible or what

Hang in their, and good luck

 

[Mara]

Yikes...that kind of politics is soooo far beyond me..I have absolutely no patience for things such as that. My thinking is...you are family, even if you are married family. Everyone just has to learn to get along and that's it! I have nothing against his mom and appreciate her gestures of goodwill towards me, but of course I know in the beginning his family was worried about me and that after the initial visits there were phone calls made between divorced parents who never speak.

They were partially freaked out because he moved out here in the first place...then met me and decided to stay! Also, I look and act nothing like the old girlfriends he used to have, so maybe the unfamiliarity scared them. They thought I was very straight-forward and bold. A bad thing?! Who knows!! FI said they just have to get to know me. Irritating. Also, since we are on the WC and they are on the EC, getting to know them takes on a whole new meaning. Visits once a year don't necessarily set the stage for the warm fuzzies. His sister and I are very friendly. I am thankful for that and know she has been instrumental in getting the parental units to calm down as well. Our last few visits have gone really well, and there is a better attitude from everyone--esp since they know that getting a committed bachelor like FI to take this step must mean that he really must be happy. They were ready to throw in the towel on him getting hitched!

My family is so easygoing in comparison!

You are not terrible in the least. It is normal for everyone to want peace around their home life. Makes sense!! Bakersfield eh? That should be far enough away for you!! Good luck

We are going tomorrow to look at our top two venue choices, should be fun!! Funny to think that we are planning our wedding. At times it seems very surreal.

 

[andrea]

I'm bold as well, and it seems to be a blessing as well as a curse

One thing is always certain though, you know where I stand when the conversation is over

Scott says that's the one thing he likes most about me, and his mother is intimidated by it. I've never been disrespectful to any of his family, but they're "old" french, so I guess that means that I'm supposed to stand there, and turn the other cheek

Yah, right.
I as well, bonded with my SI right away. It must be a girl thing

His mother is usually my soap box.
Most of it stems from ignorance on her part. (Not being disrespectful) It just seems she doesn't have the social skills for someone with her abundance of knowledge.
Go figure.

Funny how the womans side of the family is always the normal one, huh?

At least you can truly enjoy your short visits with them, barring any major cat fights. And then you can go home for another year.

 

[kaylagee]

Mara- same here with the gifts thing. also my MIL gave me a garlic press for my birthday - i didn't know what to say!

You're lucky, we're only about 10 minutes walking distance from the ILs and their tradition is to have most Sunday lunches together at the parent's house. the frequency of these inquistition meals is waning a bit, thank goodness! It was real torture at first.

I totally hear you on the accusations of 'expensive tastes' too! MIL hasn' t seen my ring yet, though i don't think it was expensive at all- just reasonable for what he can afford now. It's hard for because my family has a much different approach about material things- money. more relaxed. here it's very different(she,MIL, was up in arms about my Red cross clothing donations after spring cleaning..i tried to get dh to pitch some of his clothes in but he was hesistant). Also, if i wear a dress she hasn't seen before she comments - not just like a compliment (which is always great!) but with an edge. the last time it was a dress that my mother had given me during the holidays. I think she was afraid that dh had bought it for me.

the unfamiliarity aspect seems to be a big deal- i'm from California, born and raised, and very un-Parisian in many ways, so i really think that was a shocker for her to end up with me as a daughter -in -law.

Also re:rings most women i've met aren't even wearing 1ct. diamonds, let alone anything larger. MIL wears a small sapphire with point diamonds surrounding it. One friend's wife has about a .30-.40ct channel(?) set in a cool wedding band. I guess it's cultural too, I'm learning that Europe isn't a big diamond place.

LOL, about the EC uptight thing - my parent's are from the East Coast originally! definitely Much more conservative than us Cali kids.

oh yeh, I found a quick fix to my 'shrinking syndrome'- i find it looks larger on my right hand than it does on the left next to my wedding band for some reason. could be my imagination too but i remember someone here(Twinkly?) deciding on a thinner band to highlight the stone? I guess there might be something to this after all.

Andrea - my MIL is possessive of dh too. He's her youngest 'baby'(8 years between him and the middle bro').

I would have been upset too by that 'only coming once in awhile' comment.

Mine tries to be nice but there's an edge there..she even suggested that we live together before getting engaged & married.(not my thing at all, for different reasons... nothing against those who do)

I agree with the 'none of their business' (same thing my mom said about MIL) about what the husbands spend on us - I'm wondering why they try their best to make it their business so often though?

We're looking for a new place and while i really want to stay in Paris , I really pray that we find something waaay across town.

"Funny how the womans side of the family is always the normal one, huh?"

Andrea, truer words have rarely been typed!

 

[aljdewey]

----------------
On 4/10/2003 9:44

5 AM andrea wrote:
I'm not accustomed to having something thought of with such great intensity, however it would be nice

But to the lengths that some have gone are a little extreme, wouldn't you say

We don't take that much time looking for a car, or really even a house.
You see something you like, the price is right, and you buy it.
Prime example: I bought myself a diamond that had an obvious inclusion in it, and the color was rich. I was happy with it until I took it and had it appraised. To the naked eye, all you could see was the small carbon spot on top, but it had an actual crack, and several feathers. Up until then I was perfectly happy with it, and even with all of the negative's against the stone, it still had alot of fire to it.
Of course, now that I know all of this, I'm happier with the nicer stone my hubby bought for me.
So I guess my question is still this: Do we tend to look beyond our gut reaction, and go for the numbers, letters, and values, rather than be happy with what our eyes see.
I've seen alot of guys ask, "Does this stone look O.K.", because the ring I actually like, is 3 colors lower, and the clarity drops 2 notches. What's up.
Shouldn't we buy what appeals to us, and not worry about anything else (Within reason

)

----------------

Why do people take so long to pick a diamond, you ask? I'd point you back to your own experience. You bought a diamond you liked when you knew less, but when you knew more, you weren't AS happy with it.

It's one thing to make that kind of a mistake when buying something for one's self, but when a man is going to give a woman a permanent, sentimental token of his love, he wants to make sure he has chosen well enough that she won't be disappointed. Because most men know ABSOLUTELY nothing about jewelry, it takes a while to ingest all the terms, etc.

In my personal opinion, it's better to angst over the purchase BEFOREHAND instead of AFTER. There are no bonus points awarded for taking the least amount of time to select a ring.

 

[danaLynne]

After reading this and other sites to become educated about a diamond purchase I know why it is going to take me a long time to buy a diamond.

It comes down to

#1 budget (I have a nice budget

)

#2 What I want (nicer than my budget

#3 budget is limiting factor for what I want.

Then there is the matter of ring style. I love Tacori engraved settings with platinum and 18k. $$$$

So, I and my wonderful husband are going to grow the ring budget and plan for the ring I really want. Looking is going to be half the fun. I will roll over our budget this year and combine it with next years and I will be able to get the stone and setting. It seems that diamonds are like cars, there is always another one. Until then, I hope noone minds if I hang out here and interject periodically.

I love reading everyones entrys.

DL