Why is it so hard to have a normal conversation with a pregnant woman?

[fieryred33143]

I''m kind of in shock. I was when I was pregnant and still am. We were in a meeting and the conversation started innocent/simple enough with the standard "are you excited? are you ready?" questions to a coworker that is pregnant.

It then spiraled into asking her about dilation. In the middle of a meeting. By a man. Who does not have children. My coworker turned red and didn''t know what to say. The guy is a really great guy but I think he just didn''t know what else to talk about with her.

Why? Is it really that difficult to have a normal conversation about the weather, movies, sports, food, etc. with a pregnant woman?

I guess this is more of a vent since I''m not pregnant anymore but it amazes me. I remember once I was in the restroom and a woman stopped me to ask how far along I was. We got into a conversation and by the end of it I thought I was going to cry. It went from when are you due to what are you having to "I knew you are having a girl because your hair is oily, your nose is big, and you are really wide. Same thing happened with my DD." Really?

I hope no one else goes through similar experiences and this is just in my bizarro corporate office

 

[steph72276]

No, it is not just you and your coworkers....for some reason, people get really stupid around pregnant women and start spouting off all kinds of ridiculous, inappropriate things. For my last pregnancy, I was really swollen up and huge. I had people say things like, "wow, you are so big already....I wonder what you''ll look like at the end!" and "are you sure you only have 1 baby in there???" and this time, I am a lot smaller and I get "you don''t even look pregnant...are you sure you are eating?" I have no idea why people think just because a woman is pregnant, they have the right to critique a person''s body! So wrong!

 

[Ara Ann]

When my niece was pregnant with her first baby, she had really bad morning sickness for quite a long time into her pregnancy and even after she was showing...she couldn''t keep much down, so her doctor told her to eat/drink whatever she felt like for a while so she wouldn''t get dehydrated (not alcohol, obviously)...so one day, while out shopping at Target, she got thirsty and got herself a cherry Slurpee...half way through the store, some ''know it all'' woman started lecturing her about how bad Slurpees are for pregnant women, how bad it is for the baby (like she had a margarita in her hand!), etc.! I mean, it''s not like she had a Slurpee every day...people should mind their own business! My niece was SO upset! She was just starting to feel better at the time and was made to feel like a horrible mom before the baby was even born. And it doesn''t stop after the baby is born either...unsolicited ''baby'' advice comes from everyone too!

 

[packrat]

It''s like a wave of stupidity washes over some people when they''re around pregnant women. One of my uncles used to push his nose up at me and Oink, and call me Porky..I was 3 months pregnant w/my first, and unless you looked, you could barely tell there was a little swollen tummy there. (haha by the time she was born tho, watch out!)

I remember a guy coming over to see one of our dogs and I was about 7 months along w/London..his girlfriend had just gotten pg, and he said OMG please tell me she''s not going to get as HUGE as YOU! In my defense, it was cold and I had a lot of layers and thick fleece on so yeah, I looked like a linebacker..but still.

Ah..memories..

You''d think women, especially women who''ve had kids, would be a little more sensitive about things, but they''re not!

Maybe your coworker should''ve asked the guy some questions about his testicles.

 

[radiantquest]

I have nothing to add except that I know I am probably guilty of some ridiculous things. Once when I hadn''t seen my SIL in a few weeks to months while she was pregnant I said to her "Wow, you are getting pretty big." But she was! The last time I had seen her she a little bump and then I saw her again and she looked like she was going to pop. I never thought about it until you guys brought it up. I feel terrible now.

Fiery- love the new pic

 

[MonkeyPie]

I myself have been guilty of this. I don''t know what it is - it''s like the minute you see a pregnant woman, your brain falls out. I have told women stuff like, "Wow, you''re getting SO BIG!" like she has no idea how big her own belly is. I feel like an absolute idiot afterward, and now that I am pregnant and people ask me stuff like that too, I have tried to be a lot more sensitive and either say nothing at all, or just congrats.

 

[VRBeauty]

Because she's always contradicts herself, and then says... don't mind me, I'm speaking for two.


You try carrying on a normal conversation with an alien being kicking your innards... from the inside out.


Because she keeps backing away from you... like you might reach out or pat her on the stomach or something.



I give up. Why is it so hard to have a normal conversation with a pregnant woman?

 

[April20]

Okay, I don''t have kids, probably won''t have kids. I try to start all my conversations with pregnant ladies revolving around how great they look (regardless of whether or not this is true) and then move onto other topics. After your post today, I will be making a concerted effort to always do this. No matter what. And talk to those having inappropriate conversations and asking inappropriate questions so they quit being offenders.

 

[Kaleigh]

When I was pregnant I found that everyone and their brother had an opinion and complete strangers felt like they could ask me anything.

With my second, I was tiny. I got asked all the time, how far along are you. I'd say 6 months. Instead of saying oh that's great best wishes to you. I got, well, something must be wrong, because you are tiny. Something must be wrong with your baby!!!! I told my OB and he said, ya know, I hear this all the time. You are carrying just fine, and all is well. He said people say the dumbest things!!!

DS came out 3 weeks early at 7 pounds, so there lady!!!!

Ughhh,

 

[Mara]

WAIT! Why are Slurpees bad for preggos?!?!?!

people do say the funniest things. i personally don't mind if people start asking me clinical questions or are curious, and i even take the exclaimers with a grain of salt... hehe. most people i actually KNOW though are really sweet and always lead with something like 'you look so cute!' though there is one of my friends who always is like OH MY GOD WOW LOOK AT YOUR STOMACH when she sees me...and i feel like i am a small hippo or something. but she can't have kids, so she is very fascinated by the whole process...so i don't really think too much of it. but the inflections in the tones of people sometimes make you want to be a smart ass.

what i don't like is like the others have said when people try to correct you for eating things or drinking things. i get a half caf latte in the mornings at sbucks like 3-4x a week and people always look like why is there a preggo in here? and one of my preggo friends has a barista say THATS DECAF RIGHT when she was in the middle of her drink order! mind your own business peeps!

thank god in spain i didn't look preggo so i could still sip a sangria from time to time and avoid the evil eye. though in europe it seems more lax.

 

[ChinaCat]

Nope, Fiery, not just your bizarro corporate office. I had a co-worker ask me loudly at a business lunch if I was planning on BF and then went into uncomfortable detail about BF. A male co-worker. In front of all of my other colleagues, none of which had children. So inappropriate and weird.

I found it strange how many people asked if I was planning on BF. SO NOT your business.

When I was 10 months pregnant, I ordered a glass of wine. I thought the waitress was going to have a heart attack. I said, listen, this guy is already overdue, he''s cooked, my dr said it was fine, so bring me the wine! I could tell she didn''t want to, but too bad.

I didn''t really mind comments like you''re getting bigger and such. But I did mind asking me if I was going to BF or people telling me what I should or shouldn''t eat.

It also got uncomfortable at work when I would walk into an office or a meeting and people''s eyes would visibly focus on my belly only, like they couldn''t tear their eyes away. I am sure it''s only natural, it''s kind of hard to ignore, but I hated it at the office. Everywhere else I didn''t mind. But at work, I kind of wanted it not be such a focus. Oh well!!!

But Fiery, I agree with the premise of the thread- when I was preggo, it seemed like that was all anyone could talk to me about. I felt like saying, you know, I DO have other things to talk about!

 

[anchor31]

I don''t know, fiery... It''s like when you get pregnant everyone starts seeing you as a "belly on legs" and not a human being. Suddenly, they have no sense of personal space anymore. They start touching you, asking you personal questions, criticizing our body size and weight and watching everything you do and eat, ready to tell you what you should or shouldn''t do.

DH and I went to a funeral in my family last month and I didn''t know whether to laugh or cry when my sister saw me and went "Oh look! It''s my niece/nephew!" Well, hello to you too sis''...

Oh well. Pregnancy fascinates people and I guess they can''t help themselves.

 

[geckodani]

There was a time last year when we had 6 women in various stages of pregnancy in my office. And I heard people ask them the most inappropriate things! It spurred me to make a concerted effort NOT to mention anything about their pregnancies unless they brought it up first!

My sister was/is amazed by how people feel like they can critique her on everything related to her child. I don''t get it. I''m sure I''ll get it when it''s my turn, LOL.

 

[Jas12]

Ohhhh, I simply don''t know.... the only thing you should say to a pregnant woman is "you look wonderful"
Even though we *know* we are supposed to get big and we are *going* to get big, no one needs to remind us of how big we got since the last time we were seen and no one needs to talk dilation at any office other than the OB''s. sheesh...

My favourite comment came 2 days after the birth of my son, as most ppl know, the belly doesn''t all of a sudden *poof* vanish after 9 mos of stretching, but my FIL had the nerve to say (while motioning to my sagging belly): "sooo, what are you going to do about that"?
after my MIL hit him i luckily just laughed it off and said something like "you tell me"

 

[geckodani]

Date: 10/27/2009 9:05:11 AM
Author: Jas12
Ohhhh, I simply don''t know.... the only thing you should say to a pregnant woman is ''you look wonderful''
Even though we *know* we are supposed to get big and we are *going* to get big, no one needs to remind us of how big we got since the last time we were seen and no one needs to talk dilation at any office other than the OB''s. sheesh...

My favourite comment came 2 days after the birth of my son, as most ppl know, the belly doesn''t all of a sudden *poof* vanish after 9 mos of stretching, but my FIL had the nerve to say (while motioning to my sagging belly): ''sooo, what are you going to do about that''?
after my MIL hit him i luckily just laughed it off and said something like ''you tell me''

That''s one of those moments where you want to smack someone in the forehead, coulda had a V8 style.

 

[waxing lyrical]

Surprisingly, I''ve never dealt with off comments or strange questions. It might have been the week before my second was born (around 38 weeks) that a cashier asked when I was due. I told her soon and she was surprised. Apparently I didn''t look it. I felt it, though.

I''m just now being asked if I''m pregnant by people I run into on a regular basis and I''m almost 32 weeks.

I''m quite surprised I haven''t come across the comments many others have. Wait, I take that back. When I was pregnant with my third and we went looking to buy a van/SUV one of the car salesmen asked when I was due and I said 9 weeks and he had this shocked look on his face. He said I looked like I was about to pop. But, I did. I was ginormous. I was carrying around a lot of amnio fluid and was much bigger than when I had my girls.

 

[janinegirly]

I had that experience with male co-workers, and just thought it was the goofs I work with. I think it happens with men and particularly in a work environment when everyone is spoutuing useless small talk. It seems that when there's a preggo around it seems more likely to go awry even though they're just trying to make conversation. I would just give stink eyes back..it's pretty funny b/c I could get away with alot of stink eye when I was preggo!

Anyway, I had a male coworker (while 3 other male co workers were around me) talk about delivery, epi (he has 3 kids)..which was fine but then it went into , "Oh they won't give you an epidural until 5cm." Awkward silence. Other guys looked confused. Another time one of them said good thing I was pregnant b/c he was wondering why I looked heavier before I announced it. Uh thanks. Then he tried to back track and say oh it's only b/c you were so slender. Too late...why are you commenting/noticing my changes in weight in a work environment? There were other comments but those stick out. Oh and I did have a few people say things like "I knew you'd have girl, b/c the saying goes that they steal your beauty. OH I MEAN, not, uh, well you looked great, but you look better now that baby's here..". Okkkkk..

Mostly foot in mouth gaffes by the clueless--I guess sort of like the more you try to not say something/stare, the more it gets blurted out! The comments on me getting big/huge didn't bother me as much--I got those all the time.

 

[KimberlyH]

At 20 weeks I've managed to avoid most strange and uncomfortable conversations, but I also don't talk much about my pregnancy and make a point never to bring it up first. I've had family and friends ask me some questions and I'm happy to respond honestly, but then move the subject along to something else. I work with a young woman who has a 4 month old and every once in a while she'll whisper some strange tidbit in my ear (e.g. "Wait until you start leaking colostrum, you'll have to wear a sports bra to bed" shared while crossing paths in the hallway left me with a dumbfounded look on my face), but she's been baby obsessed for the three years I've known her, I just sort of shrug her off. The most frequent comment I get is that my pregnancy is going by so quickly. The one thing I don't want to hear ever again is how hard it's going to be. My husband and I waited quite a while to have children so that we would be in the best position financially and otherwise to raise our child. We're certainly not stupid or naive, we are aware that it isn't always going to be easy but neither one of us is the type to focus on the negative and I would prefer other people could do the same.

 

[fieryred33143]

The standard "are you excited? Are you ready?" type of questions never bothered me. A little annoying since you have to answer those same questions at least 4 times a day but it always comes from a good place. People genuinely do get excited/happy for you.

It''s just the stuff that comes out after that leaves me scratching my head lol

 

[janinegirly]

I also didn''t mind the ''are you ready'' line of questions no matter how many times asked. Or "when are you due", "boy or girl", "first?". Those are fun, I liked beng pregnant and people noticing for the most part.

I just didn''t like the invasive comments or slightly rude ones (albeit unintentional). I also did not discuss things until asked particularly in the office. For the most part I wanted to be treated the same as others. It was more the latter months (8-9) when random comments started to flow more. Towards the end, people just shouted things out on the city streets ("you''re having a boy!"--I wasn''t...)

 

[Mara]

the other thing that some gals have already alluded to also is that people can ONLY seem to ask you Q''s about the pregnancy or baby. aka these are the Q''s i get while waiting for the elevator at work:

do you know the gender?
how are you feeling?
when are you due?
are you sick a lot? (i get asked this all the time now, mostly by men)
are you guys ready?
are you excited?

as someone else already said, you CAN ask me questions unrelated to my body and my pregnancy!! i still had a ''good weekend'' like you did, and i still have other things going on my life other than my primary role as gestational host!

 

[AdiS]

I''m not really sure which is worse-only talking about pregnancy with pregnant women or not mentioning it at all.

Last year I had no idea that my hair stylist was pregnant. She''s really tiny, and she never said anything about it so I didn''t know. It was a really busy period of my life so I skipped a few visits and when I finally got to see her-lo and behold-she was suddenly big! I mean, BIG! I was so worried that I might say something stupid to her (much like the examples mentioned in this thread

) that I just told her she looked great and that was that. When I left the saloon, she complained to the other ladies "Can you believe she didn''t ask me anything about my pregnancy?" Apparently that was rude of me. Sigh.

I guess it''s hard to find the right balance between having a conversation about the pregnancy and not being nosy/tactless, plus most pregnant women do get more emotional than usual and I''m affraid something I say might upset them. Does that answer the question or am I rambling again? lol

 

[janinegirly]

One thing i found funny is after i returned from maternity leave the secretary said i looked great, back to normal. Apparently I was "not looking myself". Whatever that means..i guess I was retaining a lot of water at the end. Anyway, that comment aside--I realized that she had been one of many (women in particular) who had told me I looked great (when I was pregnant), that I was glowing, just beautiful. I ate al those compliments up! Turns out it was a bunch o crap!

in terms of what to say / not say..i don''t know, I think overall most pg women are pretty easy going when it comes to generic comments/questions/observations and if not, you can''t be overly worried about it. Just steer clear of discussing bodily functions if you''re a man, and if you''re a woman be sensitive to over lecturing or being intrusive re: that preg persons decisions (bf, not bf, daycare etc). For me (and this is just me), I really wasn''t bothered about comments on weight/growing size since it''s not like it wasn''t for good reason--unless it was at work or phrased in insulting way (as in OH MY GOD you are JUST HUGE!!!)

 

[TravelingGal]

Fortunately I worked from home so I didn''t have to deal with this kind of stuff much.

My one "WTF?" memory was when I was working at a conference with my boss and we were at Outback steakhouse. A ditzy waitress put her hand on my belly and rubbed, then asked how many weeks (or some similiar type question). After I answered her, she turned to my boss and asked, "Father?" I was mortified, especially since he''s old enough to be MY dad.

 

[tlh]

I''m guilty of this - because I''m just so CURIOUS! I''ve never been pregnant, so I always want to know what it feels like.

I try not to ask any questions to strangers though. I have a 2 sentance rule with straners. You can''t try to find an excuse to talk about yourself- or someone you know- and you can''t use it as an opportunity to give unsolicited advice.

2 Sentance rule example - What a lovely and quiet baby - you really are a lucky and terriffic parent! (Something like that.)

The other one is dogs! "What a lovely dog you have! and so well mannered!"....

That is just how I try to rope myself in//// that and I don''t like talking to strangers at all... AWKWARD!

 

[fieryred33143]

tlh-I have a friend (coworker as well) that is really curious about pregnancy too. When I got back from mat leave she wanted details (did it hurt? what did it feel like? could you see the head? could Mr. Fiery see the head? did he faint? what happens after?) LOL I didn''t mind it because I would answer and she would actually listen with interest.

Sometimes people would ask "how are you feeling?" and I would answer "like crap, my feet are swollen and it hurts to walk and I haven''t had a good night''s rest in days." There response was usually always "wait until the baby gets here!" If you aren''t interested in how I''m feeling right now don''t ask!

I was guilty of a lot of those things before pregnancy and I make an effort now.

 

[vespergirl]

I guess that I didn''t really get rude comments when I was pregnant because when I gave birth I only looked like I was about 6 or 7 months along - I didn''t gain that much weight, and I am tall and long waisted, so my tummy didn''t really stick out as much as it does on some ladies. Every body type shows differently.

However, my best friend gained 75 pounds and is apple-shaped as it is, so she really looked like she was 9 months along with twins when she was only 6 months along. Anytime that I went anywhere with her in public, people asked her, without fail, when her twins were due. In fact, several people asked her if she was having triplets. Her stomach was truly enormous. Even my husband, who is normally very socially sensitive, saw her wearing a tight shirt when she was 8 months along - his jaw dropped, and he stated, "Wow, that''s the biggest stomach I''ve ever seen on a pregnant woman!" I scolded him later, and he admitted that it was rude (he didn''t mean to be) but he said he was so shocked he just couldn''t help himself

I did notice that some men would make comments that made me feel a little creeped out. Mostly older/middle-aged guys. I would be in the supermarket or something, and some man would come over and say something like, "Are you pregnant? My, aren''t you glowing. You look so pretty. Carrying a child is such a beautiful thing ..." I couldn''t figure out if they were pregnancy pervs, or if they were pro-lifers or something. Either way, I always felt it was a little weird. If it were another pregnant lady or a mother it would have been OK, but it was like, why is this guy talking to me? I''m a native New Yorker, so I guess I''m just not used to southern friendliness now that I live in Virginia ...

 

[anchor31]

Date: 10/27/2009 12:18:19 PM
Author: AdiS
I''m not really sure which is worse-only talking about pregnancy with pregnant women or not mentioning it at all.

Last year I had no idea that my hair stylist was pregnant. She''s really tiny, and she never said anything about it so I didn''t know. It was a really busy period of my life so I skipped a few visits and when I finally got to see her-lo and behold-she was suddenly big! I mean, BIG! I was so worried that I might say something stupid to her (much like the examples mentioned in this thread

) that I just told her she looked great and that was that. When I left the saloon, she complained to the other ladies ''Can you believe she didn''t ask me anything about my pregnancy?'' Apparently that was rude of me. Sigh.

I guess it''s hard to find the right balance between having a conversation about the pregnancy and not being nosy/tactless, plus most pregnant women do get more emotional than usual and I''m affraid something I say might upset them. Does that answer the question or am I rambling again? lol

I''m guessing your hair stylist is a more extroverted person and enjoys being asked questions about her pregnancy, but I wouldn''t put her with the majority. I don''t think what you did was rude; in fact, I think it''s great that you told her she looked good and remained discreet. If she wanted to talk about it so much with you, she could have brought it up herself.

 

[Bliss]

I am scared that once I am pregnant people will come tell me awful stories about their birth experiences. I am still traumatized by one colleague who told us really scary stories about how painful her epidural was. And that was when I was still single!

What is a nice way to ask them not to share horror stories of what it's like? Or is it helpful? I feel like it'll stress me out!

 

[Mara]

Bliss it''s not helpful!! People LOVE to tell you their horror birth tales. I don''t know why, maybe in the interest of sharing and bonding?? But honestly I don''t want to know how long you were in labor or that you couldn''t feel your leg for 3 months after the epidural etc. It just stresses you out! If people start talking about it to me and I don''t want to hear it I typically just say something like ''oh please don''t tell me, I prefer to remain in DENIAL about childbirth''. If they don''t shut up then I am like GOTTA GO! hehe.