Why is everyone getting divorced?

[qtiekiki]

Tgal, very insightful.

Marriage as a lifelong monogamous romantic relationship is a realistic goal, but as with any other goals, you have to constantly work toward it.

Divorce is not a bad thing. If two people no longer happy together, then what's the point.

 

[fieryred33143]

In my circle of friends I have found that people go through with the wedding and marriage despite being aware of major issues in the relationship. Not issues that are worthy of running out the door but things that should be worked through before marriage like communication. I also have friends who have gotten married despite wanting completely different things out of life. Theyvjuatvhope that the other will eventually give in to what they want.

It also seems to me that nowadays people are more fearful/ashamed of not going through with the engagement/wedding/marriage than they are of getting a divorce later down the line.

 

[Viola]

For the record, I'm not questioning divorce itself, and I don't see it as a bad thing, it's a great option when a couple isn't happy, regardless of the reason.

I obviously need to work on my posting skills,

What I'm wondering is if the concept of marriage marketed today is an unrealistic goal to achieve, as marriage wasn't originally created based on love, it was based on survival. Marriage started out as one thing but has morphed into something completely different and i'm questioning if the concept marketed today is attainable?

The concept marketed today = Finding/choosing your one true love whom you'll have a monogamous life long relationship with, based on love and romantic love.

 

[Laila619]

Celebrity marriages seem to end in divorce almost all the time unfortunately. Just the nature of the business I suppose. IRL, I don't know many people who are divorced.

living under the same roof won't make a bulletproof marriage, the chances that it'll work out in the long run are just a bit higher.

Actually, this is false. People who live together before marriage are slightly more likely to divorce than those who did not. In any case, I don't think you have to live together first to really get to know someone...you can live together with someone for years and not truly know him/her, or you can date someone for just a few months and know the person inside and out.

I think too many people ignore issues and get married anyway. You hear people say they are so in love, their spouse is so wonderful, he's her soul mate, blah blah blah, and then a few months later, they're getting divorced and you hear how he's always been a selfish jerk!

 

[jaysonsmom]

Viola, my thoughts mirror yours as well. I think marriage is taken too lightly these days, especially for celebrities. I'm a strong proponent of working things out or just "suck it up" unless there's violence or infidelity. I'm saddened by each divorce and separation that takes place, no matter how long the marriage the lasted. A lot of celebrity gossip state that the couple separated due to not having time for each other (scheduling conflicts)! Can't these ego-mongers lay off tours, or appearances for a while to work on their marriage?

Oh, man, I completely disagree with this - I think the ability to divorce is one of the great advances of modern society. I don't think it's the goal to which we all aspire ... but if people grow apart, it is considerably better to have the option to develop separately instead of being shackled together in misery. Violence and infidelity are bad (and I think T-Gal's point about contempt is very, very wise), but there are lesser factors which can lead people to develop is ways that don't equate to hating one another: just to ... not wanting to be together anymore. And what's wrong with that, necessarily?

One couple that I respect, both for how they handled their marriage, and for how they handled their split, would be Al and Tipper Gore: they were mature and private about it all, while still pursuing the path that they thought would bring them both the most happiness. Interestingly, they, too fit that demonstrative model. I wonder if it might just be a case of vivid people taking dramatic action? Love passionately, fall apart dramatically ....

P.S. - For what it's worth, I don't believe in the concept of soul mates, but I do believe in partnership, and mutual sublimation of some personal desires for the greater good of the family. I just think you need to be on the same page on all of that, which sadly, a lot of couples aren't ....

Well, my take was a little dramatic, but what I really meant was that if you were seriously in love with someone at one point, and made the commitment of marriage, it shouldn't just be thrown out the window when one person isn't "feelin' it" anymore. That whole "suck it up" comment was a little crass. What I meant was that marriage is a roller coaster, you have to take the good with the bad. You can't expect your spouse to be lovey-dovey, romantic, and thoughtful all the time. I've seen 2 of my friends' marriages end in the past year, and both of them were due to the fact that the husband was not "romantic" anymore, no other serious issues. I was just when I heard about their split. I believe marriage is more of a partnership, the dynamics of the relationship may change over the years, but it doesn't mean the pendulum can't swing back up, and if one is too quick to throw inthe towel, they may be losing out on a great outcome. I'll weather out the storms....that's just me. Maybe I've never been so completely hopeless in winning back love.

 

[kristi2011]

I'm not even married yet and scared of getting a divorce. It makes it that much harder for me because in my culture divorces are rare and is a taboo. Its makes much harder for me because my fiance is a different nationality. I love him to death but sometimes I wonder if when it comes to test of time will he have the same values as I do. He says yes now but pretty much his whole side of the family is divorced. What I'm about to say will raise some eye brows but have you thought about why other race have a much lower divorce rates? For instance Asians. In Japan the divorce rate is 1.9% and U.S is 54%. Is it because of the way we are raised? I grew up with parents whom whenever they have marriage issues both side of the family will mediate them on fixing the problem and how to improve. Now days we see it all over. Whenever a couple have problems divorce is the way out. I read an article i dont remember where but it studies some i want to say 500 divorced couples and out of that half of the couples said they regret getting the divorce. Had they gone back in times, they would not get the divorce. In the heat of the moment they throw in the towel. I don't know if its communication or our morals or what but more and more couples are getting divorced. Also studies had shown too that religions plays a big part too. In the U.S. Christians have a much lower divorced rate....gosh i can go on and on...I studied Communication in college and did a paper on divorce so i can on and on....

 

[qtiekiki]

I don't think marriage is being romanticized nowadays in our society. Individual might romanticize marriage for themselves, and that seems to have more to do with their expectations. It's unrealistic to expect your spouse to be romantic, lovey dovey 100% of the times.

 

[Circe]

Viola, my thoughts mirror yours as well. I think marriage is taken too lightly these days, especially for celebrities. I'm a strong proponent of working things out or just "suck it up" unless there's violence or infidelity. I'm saddened by each divorce and separation that takes place, no matter how long the marriage the lasted. A lot of celebrity gossip state that the couple separated due to not having time for each other (scheduling conflicts)! Can't these ego-mongers lay off tours, or appearances for a while to work on their marriage?

Oh, man, I completely disagree with this - I think the ability to divorce is one of the great advances of modern society. I don't think it's the goal to which we all aspire ... but if people grow apart, it is considerably better to have the option to develop separately instead of being shackled together in misery. Violence and infidelity are bad (and I think T-Gal's point about contempt is very, very wise), but there are lesser factors which can lead people to develop is ways that don't equate to hating one another: just to ... not wanting to be together anymore. And what's wrong with that, necessarily?

One couple that I respect, both for how they handled their marriage, and for how they handled their split, would be Al and Tipper Gore: they were mature and private about it all, while still pursuing the path that they thought would bring them both the most happiness. Interestingly, they, too fit that demonstrative model. I wonder if it might just be a case of vivid people taking dramatic action? Love passionately, fall apart dramatically ....

P.S. - For what it's worth, I don't believe in the concept of soul mates, but I do believe in partnership, and mutual sublimation of some personal desires for the greater good of the family. I just think you need to be on the same page on all of that, which sadly, a lot of couples aren't ....

Well, my take was a little dramatic, but what I really meant was that if you were seriously in love with someone at one point, and made the commitment of marriage, it shouldn't just be thrown out the window when one person isn't "feelin' it" anymore. That whole "suck it up" comment was a little crass. What I meant was that marriage is a roller coaster, you have to take the good with the bad. You can't expect your spouse to be lovey-dovey, romantic, and thoughtful all the time. I've seen 2 of my friends' marriages end in the past year, and both of them were due to the fact that the husband was not "romantic" anymore, no other serious issues. I was just when I heard about their split. I believe marriage is more of a partnership, the dynamics of the relationship may change over the years, but it doesn't mean the pendulum can't swing back up, and if one is too quick to throw inthe towel, they may be losing out on a great outcome. I'll weather out the storms....that's just me. Maybe I've never been so completely hopeless in winning back love.

Aaaaaaaah, okay, now that makes a lot more sense to me - I do think that marriage is work, and that that notion can kind of ... fall by the wayside in terms of its pop culture presentation. I just think there's a difference between "work" - you compromise, you articulate your needs, you go to counseling, etc., etc., etc. - and the line where you just have to acknowledge that "it just doesn't have to be this hard," as one wise woman I know puts it. I hope that makes more sense.

 

[Viola]

Celebrity marriages seem to end in divorce almost all the time unfortunately. Just the nature of the business I suppose. IRL, I don't know many people who are divorced.

living under the same roof won't make a bulletproof marriage, the chances that it'll work out in the long run are just a bit higher.

Actually, this is false. People who live together before marriage are slightly more likely to divorce than those who did not. In any case, I don't think you have to live together first to really get to know someone...you can live together with someone for years and not truly know him/her, or you can date someone for just a few months and know the person inside and out.

I think too many people ignore issues and get married anyway. You hear people say they are so in love, their spouse is so wonderful, he's her soul mate, blah blah blah, and then a few months later, they're getting divorced and you hear how he's always been a selfish jerk!

Well, I personally believe other factors have to be taken in consideration aswell.

For example, many couples who make a point of not living together before marriage may likely be religious or have strong cultural values that don't accept co-habitating before marriage, and couples with a stronger religious/cultural stamina are less likely to divorce, as it's something that's not always accepted or considered an option, atleast not in some religions or cultures (mine is one of them). This is obviously not the case with everyone, but it just shows that you can look at statistics from different angles.

I do however agree with you on people ignoring issues and getting married anyway. And that you can live with someone for years and not truly know a person, but I think you're more likely to know the person than not after living together, but every circumstance is different.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I'm not even married yet and scared of getting a divorce. It makes it that much harder for me because in my culture divorces are rare and is a taboo. Its makes much harder for me because my fiance is a different nationality. I love him to death but sometimes I wonder if when it comes to test of time will he have the same values as I do. He says yes now but pretty much his whole side of the family is divorced. What I'm about to say will raise some eye brows but have you thought about why other race have a much lower divorce rates? For instance Asians. In Japan the divorce rate is 1.9% and U.S is 54%. Is it because of the way we are raised? I grew up with parents whom whenever they have marriage issues both side of the family will mediate them on fixing the problem and how to improve. Now days we see it all over. Whenever a couple have problems divorce is the way out. I read an article i dont remember where but it studies some i want to say 500 divorced couples and out of that half of the couples said they regret getting the divorce. Had they gone back in times, they would not get the divorce. In the heat of the moment they throw in the towel. I don't know if its communication or our morals or what but more and more couples are getting divorced. Also studies had shown too that religions plays a big part too. In the U.S. Christians have a much lower divorced rate....gosh i can go on and on...I studied Communication in college and did a paper on divorce so i can on and on....

that used to be true,but nowadays Asians are catching up.

 

[iLander]

What I'm wondering is if the concept of marriage marketed today is an unrealistic goal to achieve, as marriage wasn't originally created based on love, it was based on survival. Marriage started out as one thing but has morphed into something completely different and i'm questioning if the concept marketed today is attainable?

The concept marketed today = Finding/choosing your one true love whom you'll have a monogamous life long relationship with, based on love and romantic love.

I'm pretty sure I have what you're talking about; 28 years ago, I met my husband in February and married him by December. I was totally in love, and I still am. He's the other half of me, the part that was missing, all that.

So, I guess I'm saying it can be done. Does that help?

But I don't think that's what you're really asking. What do you really want to know? Is it easy? No. The only way to survive and thrive in a marriage is to have respect for each other, don't take yourself too seriously, etc.

As far as the marketing goes; the wedding is the least important part, but it's the most hyped. And all those movies about good-looking couples that whisk each other off their feet and ride into the sunset? That's all bull. Most marriages are made up of lumpen, wrinkly, couples with marginal teeth and funny noses. But inside, they're stunning people.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Viola, my thoughts mirror yours as well. I think marriage is taken too lightly these days, especially for celebrities. I'm a strong proponent of working things out or just "suck it up" unless there's violence or infidelity. I'm saddened by each divorce and separation that takes place, no matter how long the marriage the lasted. A lot of celebrity gossip state that the couple separated due to not having time for each other (scheduling conflicts)! Can't these ego-mongers lay off tours, or appearances for a while to work on their marriage?

P.S. - For what it's worth, I don't believe in the concept of soul mates, but I do believe in partnership, and mutual sublimation of some personal desires for the greater good of the family. I just think you need to be on the same page on all of that, which sadly, a lot of couples aren't ....

What I meant was that marriage is a roller coaster, you have to take the good with the bad. You can't expect your spouse to be lovey-dovey, romantic, and thoughtful all the time. I've seen 2 of my friends' marriages end in the past year, and both of them were due to the fact that the husband was not "romantic" anymore, no other serious issues. I was just when I heard about their split. I believe marriage is more of a partnership, the dynamics of the relationship may change over the years, but it doesn't mean the pendulum can't swing back up, and if one is too quick to throw inthe towel, they may be losing out on a great outcome. I'll weather out the storms....that's just me. Maybe I've never been so completely hopeless in winning back love.

I agree with this...Marriage is not all roses all the time. I am very fortunate that DH is very romantic and thoughtful, but we've only been married two years. We also have periods where it's not romance 100% (or even 50%) of the time, but it doesn't mean, we aren't in love! It just means, we have to be practical sometimes, too! And we need toilet paper more than flowers that day!

Another thing that I try is to learn from others' mistakes. For example, in the industry where DH and I work, we've seen MANY marriages fail (one recently was only FOUR months into the marriage!) due to the hectic travel schedules and the family demands. DH and I agreed before we even got serious, that the only way to counter the effect was to minimize the absences and put our partners ahead of everything else. We have what we call a "separation agreement". Neither of us can sleep away from the other longer than 4 consecutive nights. If business travel is going to be longer than 4 nights, we work it out so that we can meet somewhere for a long weekend or we have to break it up and come home in between if we a) don't have a sitter or b) can't get off work. So far (in our vast two year history) this has worked for us...will it change in the future...maybe, but I hope we both want to work through it when it does happen.

 

[Haven]

Wow, you're all making really great points!

TravelingGal, I LOVE the example you posted, so much that I'm saving the image so I won't forget about it.

Haven and Janinegirly, Thanks for the comments regarding my English, I'm pretty rusty these days, but I'm trying.

Haven and WannabMrsH, Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt that many couples who act loveydovey are sincerely expressing their emotions, and that they aren't putting on an act. I think many people perceive me and my BF (of 5yrs) to be loveydovey, well, he's always loveydovey, I'm less than he is. I can speak for myself and my relationship and say that whenever I'm acting loveydovey it's sincere, and I'm sure it's the same for him.

I didn't take it the wrong way at all, no worries. In fact, DH and I do not act loveydovey at all because that's just not our style. My family jokes that *I* have no emotions, and I complain that *DH* acts like no emotions, so you can imagine how un-loveydovey we are.
I was just embarrassed by the utter cheesiness of my language in that post, and thus had to run away from the thread. It's truly how I feel about DH, though, and I'm very grateful to have found him. Even if I don't show it by being loveydovey with him in public.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think divorce is more common with celebrities because they are not bound by finances as much as the average person. When things aren't going as they wish, they can quit and buy the next thing that will make them happy (temporarily).

I believe in traditional marriage where the aim is "til death do us part" (with the usual exceptions of infidelity or abandonment/abuse). The divorces I have seen up close had more to do with self-centeredness and a refusal to work together for the good of the family (and I am not saying this is always the case!). Children do suffer in divorces and I just think that is so sad that adults cannot put their kids' welfare first (and I realize in some cases this does involve leaving). This is when I can say that I have to admire the Gore's and Arnold and Maria because they did pretty much finish raising their kids before calling it quits, even though money was not an issue. I still think it is terribly sad when I think of what that does to family holidays, weddings, etc.

My husband and I are not what I would call soulmates (and I think that is more in the movies than in reality!), but we are more like T-Gal's letter C category of working on things as we go, and the "D" word is just not in our vocabulary. There are no perfect men out there (and you young girls will learn that eventually!), and I surely wouldn't want to have to start over and have to train a new one!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Wow, you're all making really great points!

TravelingGal, I LOVE the example you posted, so much that I'm saving the image so I won't forget about it.

Haven and Janinegirly, Thanks for the comments regarding my English, I'm pretty rusty these days, but I'm trying.

Haven and WannabMrsH, Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt that many couples who act loveydovey are sincerely expressing their emotions, and that they aren't putting on an act. I think many people perceive me and my BF (of 5yrs) to be loveydovey, well, he's always loveydovey, I'm less than he is. I can speak for myself and my relationship and say that whenever I'm acting loveydovey it's sincere, and I'm sure it's the same for him.

I didn't take it the wrong way at all, no worries. In fact, DH and I do not act loveydovey at all because that's just not our style. My family jokes that *I* have no emotions, and I complain that *DH* acts like no emotions, so you can imagine how un-loveydovey we are.
I was just embarrassed by the utter cheesiness of my language in that post, and thus had to run away from the thread. It's truly how I feel about DH, though, and I'm very grateful to have found him. Even if I don't show it by being loveydovey with him in public.

these are the kind of marriage that will last forever.

 

[Haven]

I've never used the word soulmate to describe my DH before, but when I used it earlier in this thread I thought of it to mean this:

DH and I base our understanding and interpretation of reality on the same basic premises, and I believe that makes us unbelievably well-suited for each other, even made for each other. This fact is and always has been astonishing to me, and there were many moments early on in our courtship when I thought "He cannot be real." I didn't think this because he is OMG SO PERFECT TEE HEE! I thought this because it is bizarre and unnerving and unreal to meet someone who also functions based on the same fundamental underlying premises about the world.

I had the same moment when I saw my new ring--I had an idea for a design in my mind, I drew up a very rough sketch of it, showed the sketch to my jeweler and discussed it for not very long at all, and then POOF! There it was, the exact ring that existed in my mind, right there on my hand. It was eerie and wonderful. It took very little effort at all to manifest this ring that had at one point existed only in my mind--one moment it was only in my head, the next it was real, right there in front of me.

That's how it was and is with DH. It was like after all those years of feeling like an outsider because of the way I saw things there was suddenly this man who saw all the same things, all on his own. No explanation necessary, he just "got" me, and I him. He was the concretization of all of these ideas I had about the way life should work, right there, in the flesh. And, he was cute. And Jewish! I was done for.

 

[Izzy03]

What is marriage?
Is it a lifelong monogamous romantic marriage/relationship? if yes, is it a realistic goal?
Does the dynamic of a relationship change over the years?
Why is the divorce rate so high?

cuz the wife is spending too much money on jewelry and handbags..

DF~ Is that where I went wrong? Haha!

Technically, I am not in the process of divorce, but it may be in the my future. I absolutely believe many people are trying to convince themselves that they are happy when talking to others about their "happy" marriage. I have seen my own friends do it. However, I am quite the opposite. When I am not happy in my marriage, I won't sugar it. I tell people things are "fine" or "okay", and change the subject. Sorry, but I can't lie, its not in my DNA.

I do NOT believe the romance is enough to keep the marriage happy. My marriage is hanging by a thread, but there has seldom ever been a lack of romance. My husband has always pampered me with surprise date nights, he buys me thoughtful gifts for no reason, he helps around the house without being asked, he is very caring. Heck, on paper he's perfect. Many people in our lives will be very surprised if we do divorce because they have NO idea about the serious issues in our marriage.

Unless you are a fly on the wall, there is no telling what really happens in the marriage. Most people will say "Things just didn't work out", and I can't blame them! It's very painful to talk about it, and it's no one's business.

 

[Dancing Fire]

What is marriage?
Is it a lifelong monogamous romantic marriage/relationship? if yes, is it a realistic goal?
Does the dynamic of a relationship change over the years?
Why is the divorce rate so high?

cuz the wife is spending too much money on jewelry and handbags..

DF~ Is that where I went wrong? Haha!

Technically, I am not in the process of divorce, but it may be in the my future. I absolutely believe many people are trying to convince themselves that they are happy when talking to others about their "happy" marriage. I have seen my own friends do it. However, I am quite the opposite. When I am not happy in my marriage, I won't sugar it. I tell people things are "fine" or "okay", and change the subject. Sorry, but I can't lie, its not in my DNA.

I do NOT believe the romance is enough to keep the marriage happy. My marriage is hanging by a thread, but there has seldom ever been a lack of romance. My husband has always pampered me with surprise date nights, he buys me thoughtful gifts for no reason, he helps around the house without being asked, he is very caring. Heck, on paper he's perfect. Many people in our lives will be very surprised if we do divorce because they have NO idea about the serious issues in our marriage.

Unless you are a fly on the wall, there is no telling what really happens in the marriage. Most people will say "Things just didn't work out", and I can't blame them! It's very painful to talk about it, and it's no one's business.

he's too perfect for ya... that's why you guys are having marriage problems. we have been married for 25 yrs now and i have never pampered my wife... i am a mean husband...

 

[janinegirly]

I don't think marriage is being romanticized nowadays in our society. Individual might romanticize marriage for themselves, and that seems to have more to do with their expectations. It's unrealistic to expect your spouse to be romantic, lovey dovey 100% of the times.

I agree with this. I do not think the concept of marriage today is about finding a soulmate based on romantic love alone. Maybe in the 1950's or maybe by some individuals who watched too many Disney cartoons or romantic comedies. The fact that divorce is so prevalent is why most people are more aware today and marrying later in life. I personally think believing in soul mates in the sense that it was predetermined and karmic with bells and firewokrs going off is naive.There may be intense attraction but that alone will not make a successful marriage.

 

[rosetta]

Ah man. I don't know. Sometimes people fall out of love. Or just get bored.

I've only been with FI for two years so we are still sickeningly lovey dovey. You would barf.

Not sure how long this high will last, but I'm loving the ride

I think it must be hard to keep a marriage alive when you feel he is a known quantity and there is no mystery left. I guess that's when a life of common goals and values keeps you going. That doesn't sound terribly romantic does it? It's probably what happens in most cases. I fully expect it will happen in mine.

 

[Imdanny]

My SO and I have been together for, I have to ask him about the exact number because I never remember it whereas he remembers the month), something around 15 years. I guess my answer would be that maybe divorce happens because it's really so very hard to know, to really understand what being committed for life to another person entails when you are very young and that's when many people decide to get married/ be together.

I certainly don't expect to ever separate, but life/ survival isn't really an easy thing. Getting along with another person "forever" isn't an easy thing. You put the latter together with the lives of two people all into one mix and it' not for the faint of heart.

I don't really understand why people especially couples who have been together for a very long time decide to divorce because for me personally it's a lifetime commitment, but in a way it doesn't totally surprise me either because a lot happens between "they got married" and the "...happily ever after" part as if all you had to do was marry and like in a fairytale it's just unadulterated bliss from thereon out. I have a strong relationship and even I know life is a lot more complicated than that.

Edit, I thought about it, subtracting my age when we moved in with each other and decided to be together from my age, it's been 17 years. Subtracting the age we met from my age, we've known each other for 22 years. I'd still have to ask him because the number of years we've been together might change based on the month we moved in together and the month it is now. Seriously, I have a hard time keeping track. BTW, we never pretend our relationship is perfect. I don't think there is a perfect human being let alone a perfect relationship.

 

[SomethingSinful]

So...
What is marriage?
Is it a lifelong monogamous romantic marriage/relationship? if yes, is it a realistic goal?

I would like to point out that monogamy is not the only option for a happy, healthy, and lasting relationship or marriage. While it tends to work the best for most people, there are many dynamics and variants on monogamy, non-monogamy and polyamory that are just as valid even though they are not legally recognized. It is up to those involved to find what works best for them.

 

[AGBF]

Well...I have mentioned my divorce on Pricescope before, but I never got into the details of it. In the spirit of this thread, I thought I would now share the story behind why I am now divorced.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning,
let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my handsome Boss Rick, said,
"Good Morning, lady, and by the way
Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone
had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Rick knocked on my door
and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful
day outside, and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Rick,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally
would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the
meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Rick said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to
the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not.
What do you have in mind?"
He said, "Let's drop by my place,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at his house,
Rick turned to me and said,
"If you don't mind, I'm going to step
into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing, "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there....

On the couch....



Naked.

Deb/AGBF

 

[Dancing Fire]

Well...I have mentioned my divorce on Pricescope before, but I never got into the details of it. In the spirit of this thread, I thought I would now share the story behind why I am now divorced.


He went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband
my kids, and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing, "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there....

On the couch....



Naked.

Deb/AGBF

Happy Birthday Deb!!.. .. were you shock that your ex came to the party?

 

[Black Jade]

Everybody is not actually getting divorced. Divorce rates have sunk since a few years ago. Many believe that more people now are more reluctant to get divorced because they are the children of divorce--the casualties, to be blunt, from the time when all the 'experts' said that parents who divorced were better for kids than parents who stayed together and were miserable. This turned out to be so not true that it is not funny.

Sadly, though, in this generation many who really really want to stay married don't have the skills to do so becuase they didn't see a good marriage modelled for them.

Most of my friends are now celebrating either 20th or 25th wedding anniversay (within the last 2 or 3 years). All of them agree with me that while marriage starts usually with romantic feelings and physical attraction, the ones that continue work on making that last. It is hard work sometimes and easy sometimes. A good support system is very helpful. Studies prove that when one couple in a group of friends get divorced,the others are more at risk--and also that if your group is friends is always bad-mouthing THEIR husbands, you tend to start feeling your husband is not all that. I try to hang out with other ladies who love their husbands and put them first, and when we get mad at our husbands the friends remind us of the good times and their good points. My husband does the same.

all of us who have been married for what nowadays is considered long, long times agree that we've had not just one, but several times when we were really, really miserable in our marriages. We felt the marriages were important and stuck in there and then things got better. Most marriages do not founder because of abuse, alcoholism, infidelity and the other 'biggies'. Most marriages founder on day-to-day life and ont he fact that things change, people's lives are not what they imagined, jobs are boring, children are exhausting--and the grass is greener.

Once someone did a study of couples in second marriages which were very successful (something which is actually rather rare) and almost 100% of the spouses said that they felt now that they could actaully have stayed in their first marriage if they had tried as hard as they were doing the second time around.

An interesting thing that people don't talk about much is how miserable life after divorce often is. Of all the friends I have who did get divorced, and also the relatives, they all say that the divorce, in retrospect was as bad as, or worse than a death. Some of them still talk about feeling as if they are missing a limb. Especially after a certain age, dating is hard for both sexes but really hard for women. People have confided to me how, after watching all the t.v. shows and listening to the advice about leaving the marriage because it was more important to be 'happy', they found they were actually not happier at all. Both partners get a lot poorer after divorce and again, this hits women and children really hard--but the man also loses a lot of wealth. One study done of self-made millionaired discovered that it was very rare for them to be divorced, nothing will eat up your finances faster. And then you just have hell with the children. You can hell with your children ANYWAY (as any parent of teenagers and 20 somethings knows) but its a lot worse when it's you alone trying to advise and/or discipline, with no backup and when they have a stick to beat you with, which they DO use. (Afriend's son, who recently married, popped out at her from the blue a couple of weeks ago that he was not gonig to listen to marriage advice from her because she was a 'failure' and 'knew nothing'. This lady is a very hard-working single mom who did everything for this boy--and has been divorced from his father since he was like, three. The father was a little supportive, but not very. As soon as the boy hit eighteen, he ran off to live with the father and find out what he was like. It is surprising how often kids do this. I don't know how much he liked the dad. But he was still really mad at the mom).

This is true in surprising cases. My sister was married to an alcoholic. It was very, very difficult. He was always emptying the bank account and she was scared because the kids got old enough to know that he was doing drugs. We all advised her to leave him--except my father. Fifteen years later, everyone, herself included, thinks she should have stayed. Things just went from bad to worse. There were stepfathers who did't work out, juvenile deliquent, disorder, instability and misery that they are all just now coming out of. the alcoholic had definite issues, but he was also a hardworking man with a job, who loved his kids and struggled with his disease and now seems to have gotten clean.

Pride is an issue in a whole lot of cases. "i'm too good to stay in this situation' "I deserve to be happy' etc etc. I don't think (unless your life is imminently in danger or your kids' lives which DOES happen, I've been in shelters for women where I have heard some absolute horror stories, and one of my friends had to leave her husband in a big hurry because he was routinely raping the eleven year old daughter, and she found it out), but outside of disaster cases like that, I think often the best idea is to hang in there a bit and see what happens. Surprising often, things get better.

 

[Black Jade]

Deb, I heard this joke before--it usually involves a MAN though, and his attractive secretary and the wife and family coming in with the brithday cake seeing him in just his socks.

 

[Black Jade]

The Schwarzeneggers I believe are an exception and lasted a long time, but in the case of most celebrities, I think the reality is that they never have any intention of staying married. they don't take marriage seriously at all. For them, its all about the attention of being the bride and showing off the ring and the dress (or bridegroom,as the case may be). They often'fall in love' on movie sets, confusing make-believe and reality. They seem to expect life to be one big high, and the minute ordinariness sets in, they're out of there.

Sadly, it seems to be the same thing with their pregnancies, and/or adoptions (which all too often have nothing to do with marriages). It's all about the drama of the trip to AFrica and the photos with the new adorable baby (who will be raised by nannies and servants) and about how they look with their 'baby bump' and how fast they lose the weight afterwards and can come slinking down the red carpet. I am surprised that any one takes these developmentally delayed, attention seeking nitwits seriously in any regard, even if they are stunningly attractive (for a while), much less sees them as any kind of role model.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I just wanted to make a comment on the appearance of a good marriage that crumbles to nothingness.

I know a lot of people have ongoing disagreements with their spouses - fights that last years, decades, but are usually put on the back burner. You get along fine day to day and most of the time totally forget about those disagreements. It isn't a facade of hunky-dory, it is the real thing. But sometimes that one or two issues that are chronic just become too much and privately the couple decides it is a deal breaker.

Maybe Maria had genuine affection, attraction to Arnold which developed into a bond of family and they really do get along well day to day but their differing political values have long been a (publicly unspoken) bone of contention that neither really want to try to reconcile any longer. Maybe those values go deeper and have to do with basic ways they want their lives to go.

People can love one another and get alone and everything everyone else sees is still the truth, but they don't share those inner workings of their relationship. I think for better or worse most of us do not share those deepest feelings with anyone other than our spouse.

 

[Inkblot]

I'm young and divorced. I married at 24 and was divorced by 26.

I did not go into marriage wanting to flounce around in my dress, show off my bridegroom, ring, or watch too many Disney movies.

I grew up watching my parents' marriage. As of this year, they're 33 years strong and I still catch them making out in the kitchen. I have a strong religious background, what I believe to be a sound moral compass, and I did not idealize marriage. We did not live together prior to marriage, we went to pre-marital counseling, and my family absolutely adored him as a son. I accepted the engagement in what I consider to be realistic love with a person who earned my heart, my trust, and the privilege of sharing a future.

Fourteen months into marriage, I discovered he'd been using business trips within his new company to carry on an affair. This affair included over seven months of chat sex online, pornography downloads, visits to strip clubs, and a mistress. I was totally blindsided, humiliated, and left scrabbling to keep my life together professionally as my life fell apart personally.

That is why I'm divorced.

 

[aviastar]

Full disclosure: I am a religious person, so my thoughts, feelings and hopes for marriage are highly influenced by my faith. I fully understand that this is not the case for everyone, nor do I think it should be, but it makes sense for me in my life.

For me, marriage is a sacred covenent one makes with a partner and with God; a promise to create a new family (general definition of family- I think families can be any combination of people committed to each other, not just the 'nuclear family'!) that becomes an eternal unit. So it's not to be taken lightly or rushed into, but is something to be pondered and prayed about and worked on when times are tough. But, looked at in the long range, I do believe marriage is supposed to be a joyful part of our lives. And I believe that in order to be able to take joy from anything one must put joy into it- by which I mean compassion, forgiveness, empathy, a sense of humor, gratitude, patience, and love. Both partners must be willing to put these things into practice and check pride, ego, selfishness, and contempt (hit the nail on the head with this one, TGal) at the door. It won't be perfect, and it won't be easy, but it will be worth it and I truly believe it is possible, even realistic to expect marriages based on mutal respect, good communication, and love to last a lifetime and beyond.

All that said, divorce is necessary because there are so many situations where joy and functionality in the marriage are simply not possible, for a vairety of factors- from abuse to plain old apathy- and if you have given all you have to give and it's not working, I don't think God would deny anyone the chance to find joy in another path.


AND...I just want to thank Haven for using 'concretization'- made my day and perfectly encapsulates how I feel about my SO!

He was the concretization of all of these ideas I had about the way life should work, right there, in the flesh. And, he was cute. And Jewish! I was done for.