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Why is apologizing so hard?

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joflier

joflier

Ideal_Rock
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Oct 2, 2007
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This isn''t a vent about anything. Something that happened in my day just got me thinking about this. So I''m just pondering the question. Why is saying ''i''m sorry'' such a difficult thing for some people? It seems that men have a harder time with it then women. (I could be wrong) Pride? Ego? Some people justify what they said or did. Some try to take it back with kind actions or words to show apology, but never actually say those 2 little words...Thoughts?
 
Nobody likes to be wrong.
 
Personally, I have a much harder time saying it than my DH, or anyone else I know, for that matter... other than my Dad
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.

However, if anything I say ever upsets anyone (never intentional), those are the first 2 words out of my mouth.
 
one word-pride
 
I think saying you''re sorry admits guilt. Some people just have a harder time admitting they are wrong. For me, it''s easier to say I''m sorry and just clear the air. My husband is not always good at saying he''s sorry but will do a million little things to let you know he is sorry. It used to really bug me; now I just realize it''s the difference in people. I guess we always try to impose our values on others and it just doesn''t always work!
 
I think it is awareness. Some people aren''t aware of their unacceptable behavior. Other times I do think it is pride. Like SS mentioned no one likes being wrong. Don''t we all feel we know what is best for everyone, in every situation
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Human nature.
 
The worst apologies are the "I''m sorry YOU FEEL that way." Instead of "I''m sorry I DID blank." It doesn''t accept responsibility and is the "I''m not really wrong" way out of a touchy situation.

Even when someone feels that they''ve been wronged, if the culprit still feels they''re right why would they apologize?
 
Date: 1/4/2010 7:55:03 PM
Author: somethingshiny
The worst apologies are the ''I''m sorry YOU FEEL that way.'' Instead of ''I''m sorry I DID blank.'' It doesn''t accept responsibility and is the ''I''m not really wrong'' way out of a touchy situation.

Even when someone feels that they''ve been wronged, if the culprit still feels they''re right why would they apologize?
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Ditto that!
I think what bugs me just as much is when someone acts all silly or laughy, almost overduing it - trying to pretend that nothing was ever wrong.
 
I agree that it is a pride thing or lack of awareness. I also find the insincere apology even more annoying than none at all.
 
Date: 1/4/2010 9:12:43 PM
Author: marcyc
I agree that it is a pride thing or lack of awareness. I also find the insincere apology even more annoying than none at all.
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Ditto. Men don''t like admitting they are wrong, that makes them appear weak. To them at least. I think men in gerneral need to learn from us women, we know how to communicate. I am the first to say gosh I am sorry, I didn''t know what I said hurt your feelings.

Now when do you hear a man saying that??? {{{{ Crickets }}}}
 
I think that some people really cannot live in a reality where they are wrong. They find it easier to create a reality where it was not their fault, even if they have to reconstruct the situation to get there.
 
Sometimes when arguments get heated, it can become an issue of principal. But for me, if it''s involving someone I genuinely care about, 9 times out of 10 I would apologize if it means salvaging the relationship, even if it hurts my pride. IRL I pick my battles.
 
It''s much easier for DH to say he''s sorry than it is for me to say I''m sorry. I''m working on it... but for him it comes much more easily.

I think for me personally it''s about not wanting to be blamed and about feeling guilty - if say I''m sorry without any explanation or justification, then I''m admitting it was my fault and I have to feel guilty about it. But I know that''s *part* of being sorry - accepting responsibility and feeling bad about it and wanting to not do it again. So I definitely am working on it much more because I know how important it is to be able to say those words (especially to my husband who I care so much about).
 
Date: 1/4/2010 10:08:12 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Date: 1/4/2010 9:12:43 PM

Author: marcyc

I agree that it is a pride thing or lack of awareness. I also find the insincere apology even more annoying than none at all.
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Ditto. Men don't like admitting they are wrong, that makes them appear weak. To them at least. I think men in gerneral need to learn from us women, we know how to communicate. I am the first to say gosh I am sorry, I didn't know what I said hurt your feelings.


Now when do you hear a man saying that??? {{{{ Crickets }}}}
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Ditto. For men, it's another manifestation of competitiveness. "I'm sorry:" = "I'm less than you."

ETA I'm a woman... this probably reflects my personal biases.
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I find it very easy to say "oh, sorry" and soothe ruffled feathers, whether or not I mean it (I know, I know). I will say something else or expand on just why I''m sorry when I feel truly at fault - which, of course, people who know me well already know, so to them "oh sorry" coming from me doesn''t mean anything..


My dad will apologize verbally only when he is clearly in the wrong, and even then it''s like pulling teeth. I''ll get a dozen hugs and hot chocolate or coffee/tea/biscuits in the hour I wait for it, though. Just very different ways of showing it.
 
Many people think that an apology = an admission of guilt.

Whereas it SHOULD mean, "I''m sorry you''re hurt or upset." As in, "I''m sorry you lost your father" - not an admission of murder, just an expression of empathy and human feeling.

If more people understood it this way, it would be a lot easier to say.
 
I find it harder to apologize than DH does. Even when I realize I was wrong, I still have a hard time saying the words. Pride I guess. I try to think of a way to apologize without actually admitting ''I''m sorry, I was wrong''. This always reminds me of Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl''s apology to Blair:

Chuck: ''I came to apologize''
Blair: ''So apologize''
Chuck: ''That was it''

lol
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I guess I''m the same in that regard. I always try to make up for my inability to say ''I''m sorry'' with my actions though.
 
I think learning to apologize is almost acquired. Some people never learn how and others do it very gracefully. To me, it''s about an emotional response to someone else and I think apologies are often made too prematurely and without much thought. I dislike when someone says they are sorry when they are just saying it to relieve the tension and the situation. I''d prefer to wait than to just shove the elephant out of the way.
 
Some men just think that women are lesser creatures than men, so why should a man ever *have* to apologize. "A man does what a man does, and women should shut up and know their place and just go along." -- Some of them really do think that way. I live in a town full of them.
 
Date: 1/5/2010 3:29:11 AM
Author: LilyKat
Many people think that an apology = an admission of guilt.


Whereas it SHOULD mean, ''I''m sorry you''re hurt or upset.'' As in, ''I''m sorry you lost your father'' - not an admission of murder, just an expression of empathy and human feeling.


If more people understood it this way, it would be a lot easier to say.
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I disagree. An apology should be an admission of guilt. Your example is a sympathy not an apology.

"I''m sorry YOU''RE hurt" is not taking responsibility for the action that caused the hurt. "I''m sorry I smacked you." "I''m sorry I was rude." etc is.
 
I think there''s some level of embarrassment at having to admit that you were wrong.

Personally, I don''t have much of an issue apologizing and neither does DH. After dating a guy who never ever apologized for anything, I made sure the next guy I was with would actually be able to say he was sorry.
 
Date: 1/5/2010 10:06:14 AM
Author: somethingshiny
Date: 1/5/2010 3:29:11 AM

Author: LilyKat

Many people think that an apology = an admission of guilt.



Whereas it SHOULD mean, 'I'm sorry you're hurt or upset.' As in, 'I'm sorry you lost your father' - not an admission of murder, just an expression of empathy and human feeling.



If more people understood it this way, it would be a lot easier to say.
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I disagree. An apology should be an admission of guilt. Your example is a sympathy not an apology.


'I'm sorry YOU'RE hurt' is not taking responsibility for the action that caused the hurt. 'I'm sorry I smacked you.' 'I'm sorry I was rude.' etc is.
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But why can't you be sorry that your actions hurt someone, even unintentionally?
 
The thing that I remember when I need to say that I am sorry for something is that I might not have been wrong and I am not saying I am sorry for something that I said or did I am saying I am sorry for the way it made the person feel or the harm it caused. Unless of course I really was wrong and then the sorry means that I am sorry I did it.

That was the hardest thing to teach my husband. If he said something that hurt my feelings, but wasn''t necessarily wrong and I wanted him to be sorry I would explain that he does not have to be sorry for what he did/said he just needs to be sorry that I was upset by it. I get my sorry, he isn''t wrong and everyone is happy.
 
I find it kind of hard to really apologize. I can say "I''m sorry..." all day long, but it''s hard for me to not qualify it. "I''m sorry, but you did x, y, or z that hurt me..." The hardest apology I''ve had to give in the last few months was when I overreacted to something my BF said and hurt his feelings. When I started to apologize, I wanted to say, "I''m sorry, but I''ve had a bad day and I''m really cranky and you know I don''t like jokes about that subject." I had to stop myself and say, "I''m sorry. I took my frustration out on you, and that''s not fair. I''ll stop."

It sucks to admit fault. It really sucks to admit that something I did hurt somebody I care about. And it super sucks to not be able to find a way to excuse it. I guess some people just can''t get past the fact that apologizing sucks (for them) to see that it could really help the person that they hurt.
 
Date: 1/5/2010 7:57:41 AM
Author: HVVS
Some men just think that women are lesser creatures than men, so why should a man ever *have* to apologize. ''A man does what a man does, and women should shut up and know their place and just go along.'' -- Some of them really do think that way. I live in a town full of them.
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i am not sure this trait is exclusive to males. i also don''t think all males believe this. i do know a few males who do think this way. i do understand what you are saying as i have heard some similar thoughts expressed. i also think that there are people who have this philosophy regarding both genders. in others words, everybody let me say and do what i want and don''t correct me or complain. sad way to live.

i use my ability to own up to my mistakes and say i am sorry as passing the intelligence test. when i observe anyone, including myself, saying or doing something inappropriate, whether accidental or on purpose, i judge their intelligence on whether they take responsibility. if they blame someone else or ignore the act they fail the intelligence test. this is just an exercise of my mind.
 
HI:

It isn''t.

cheers--Sharon
 
As said nobody likes to be wrong.
It is anathema to the self.

Being right is like oxygen to our deepest being.
Every one of us, the religious, the atheist, the open minded, and closed minded, the American car owner, the foreign car owner, the republican, the democrat, the politically apathetic, the vegans, the steak-lovers, pro choice, pro-life, the young, the old, the slow drivers, the fast drivers, the humble, the proud, the D IF buyers, the O I3 buyers . . . each of has no choice but do what we feel is right.
We can''t help it.
We must breath, and we must be right.

Apologizing reveals we starved that part of ourselves that must remain right.
 
I think, in many instances - not always, good communication can be challenging when emotions are very high. Personally, when I am in an argument or a conflict or am very worked up about something, I have a very hard time seeing how I may have upset someone else or done something wrong. So in the heat of the moment, I can''t apologize. Once I take time (sometimes a day or two) to reflect, I can see what I''ve done. At that point, I find it very easy to apologize.

Whether or not that''s true for others, I don''t know.

I do agree with the fact that many people hate saying something that may insinuate they were wrong, even though I personally don''t agree that an "I''m sorry" is always an admission of guilt. Sometimes it''s simply a peace offering in a complicated situation.

I also think people apologize in different ways, and I''m OK with that. I don''t have to hear an "I''m sorry" from my sister, for example. I know by her actions when she''s apologizing. Same thing with my dad. Just as saying "I''m sorry" can be a pride issue, I think needing to hear an "I''m sorry" can also be a pride issue for some people.
 
An addendum to this topic -- I find it really difficult to ACCEPT apologies if I''m still fuming when one is offered. Accepting the apology comes with an expectation that "its fixed now" -- you''ll move on etc. I can''t instantly switch off my feelings so easily. Does anyone else feel that hesitation to ACCEPT so quickly?
 
Date: 1/5/2010 2:06:49 PM
Author: decodelighted
An addendum to this topic -- I find it really difficult to ACCEPT apologies if I'm still fuming when one is offered. Accepting the apology comes with an expectation that 'its fixed now' -- you'll move on etc. I can't instantly switch off my feelings so easily. Does anyone else feel that hesitation to ACCEPT so quickly?
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Yes.

I have no problem apologising, at all. But accepting an apology is like forgiving someone, and letting them know it's all ok now. And sometimes I just don't wanna
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Usually, though, I appreciate the gesture and let it go.
 
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