WHY do people think someone else''s pregnancy is THEIR story to tell?

[TravelingGal]

I was going to vent on my friend''s IVF thread, but figured you ladies might have stories or possible answers to share.

My friend, who is now pregnant after 6 years of trying is keeping it pretty mum. She did tell family and a few close friends. She''s just trying to hang on until her ultrasound next week and will let the cat out of the bag then even though it is early because everyone is apparently dying to know if the IVF worked.

We have a group of 20 friends (10 couples). Word spreads like wildfire in this group. I go to lunch with my other girlfriend (another one of the 3 girls that got the news directly from the pregnant friend) and she tells me that pregnant friend''s DH did tell a few of the guys, who are no doubtedly now telling their wives and the news is possibly spreading. Pregnant friend is still under the impression that her DH didn''t tell anyone.

This angers me on behalf of my friend. She has waited six long years to have news like this...I think it is her story to tell! I feel like people who are spreading the news are robbing my friend of the joy and reaction she deserves when she breaks the news herself. She''s waited a lifetime to have news like this and it could easily be a once in a lifetime bit of news to tell.

I know people get so excited that they can''t restrain themselves, but I wonder if people really realize how much they are talking away from the person who deserves to tell the exciting news. Especially since many of these people have children and got to tell others of their pregnancy on their own terms and enjoy people''s reactions back then?

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Uuuhhhh wow that is so sad.

I guess some people are just compelled to tell other peoples secrets- or perhaps do not have enough wherewithall to think about the bigger picture and how their actions will burst someone elses bubble.

Congratulations to your friend though! What a happy time!

 

[princesss]

I don''t know, but that would seriously upset me. Yes, they''re excited, but she should get to be the person to tell them and see the surprise and excitement on their faces. Can it be hard to hold good news in? Yeah, definitely. But it''s possible.

You don''t announce other people''s engagements, marriage, or pregnancies. I''m sure there are things that should be on that list that I''m forgetting, but that news is for the people to tell who they want, when they want!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/9/2009 4:02:23 PM
Author:TravelingGal
I was going to vent on my friend''s IVF thread, but figured you ladies might have stories or possible answers to share.

My friend, who is now pregnant after 6 years of trying is keeping it pretty mum. She did tell family and a few close friends. She''s just trying to hang on until her ultrasound next week and will let the cat out of the bag then even though it is early because everyone is apparently dying to know if the IVF worked.

We have a group of 20 friends (10 couples). Word spreads like wildfire in this group. I go to lunch with my other girlfriend (another one of the 3 girls that got the news directly from the pregnant friend) and she tells me that pregnant friend''s DH did tell a few of the guys, who are no doubtedly now telling their wives and the news is possibly spreading. Pregnant friend is still under the impression that her DH didn''t tell anyone.

This angers me on behalf of my friend. She has waited six long years to have news like this...I think it is her story to tell! I feel like people who are spreading the news are robbing my friend of the joy and reaction she deserves when she breaks the news herself. She''s waited a lifetime to have news like this and it could easily be a once in a lifetime bit of news to tell.

I know people get so excited that they can''t restrain themselves, but I wonder if people really realize how much they are talking away from the person who deserves to tell the exciting news. Especially since many of these people have children and got to tell others of their pregnancy on their own terms and enjoy people''s reactions back then?

I agree....

 

[Mara]

Half the time people just think oh so and so told me so unless they said EXPLICITLY don't tell anyone or else I will have you murdered then what's the harm in just telling one person or so.

People LOVE to talk...especially large friend groups... unfortunately sometimes you just have to keep mum about certain things until you WANT the world to know, aka just ASSUME that one person will tell others. Our friend group is the same way, you tell one person something and within hours probably everyone knows.

Unless of course you know someone extremely well enough to trust that you can tell one person something and know they won't betray your confidence...then why risk it if it's that important?

Honestly, if the baby's father told his friends...he should take the blame, not necessarily them telling their wives/spouses. I hate keeping secrets from my husband about people we know...it's so hard to know what to say and what to not..and I end up slipping. So, I typically tell my friends to not tell me anything they don't want HIM to know or that they don't feel comfortable with him knowing. Of course he is the type to never say anything to anyone about anything (and typically forgets whatever I tell him anyway!), so he would never spill the beans if I told him something, but if the hub told his friends, unless he said you better not tell your wives--then it's not really entirely their fault IMO.

Again, if you don't want someone to know something, just don't open up about it. If you do, know you are running a risk.

 

[TravelingGal]

I guess I am not the only freak who thinks this then!

I was telling my friend at lunch what I am saying here. I told her that I still remember her tearing up when I announced the news to the girls (TGuy announced the news to the boys at the same time as we were having separate night outs) and I asked her, "Didn''t you love sharing the news." She said, "I don''t know. Blabbermouth [not her real name but I don''t want to write it here] told everyone, remember?" I said, "Oh yeah, that''s right."

Ms. Blabbermouth is the one we''re trying to make sure the news doesn''t get to - she is a nice girl but flat out says she LOVES to gossip.

 

[Lilac]

So sad for your friend - she''s probably been waiting years to share this news and now a bunch of people will already know

I have known about several engagements and pregnancies before they were announced and I would never tell anyone else. It''s not my news to tell. They should have the chance to share that exciting news on their own when they are ready to.

But congrats to your friend, that''s such great news! Hopefully she will have a happy and healthy pregnancy and will be able to share the news of the birth of her baby with all her friends!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/9/2009 4:25:35 PM
Author: Mara
Half the time people just think oh so and so told me so unless they said EXPLICITLY don''t tell anyone or else I will have you murdered then what''s the harm in just telling one person or so.

People LOVE to talk...especially large friend groups... unfortunately sometimes you just have to keep mum about certain things until you WANT the world to know, aka just ASSUME that one person will tell others.

Unless of course you know someone extremely well enough to trust that you can tell one person something and know they won''t betray your confidence...why risk it if it''s that important?

Honestly, if the baby''s father told his friends...he is to blame potentially, not necessarily them telling their wives. I hate when Greg knows something I don''t and vice versa and I typically tell my friends to not tell me anything they don''t want HIM to know. Of course he is the type to never say anything to anyone about anything, so he would never spill the beans if I told him something, but if the hub told his friends, unless he said you better not tell your wives--then it''s not really their fault IMO.

Again, if you don''t want someone to know something, just don''t open up about it. If you do, know you are running a risk.

I agree Mara, and I do think her DH is at fault partially. I also don''t blame him. If she was so overcome with joy she had to tell a few close friends, I can understand that he would feel the same.

I do share most everything with TGuy but stuff like this, I wouldn''t tell. That''s just me. I''m sure he''d rather hear it form the source anyway. Plus I am pretty sure that her DH told the guys with the request not to spill the news to the wives, as we were told. In the end, I agree that one shouldn''t say anything until you''re ready for the world to know, but this case is not the normal pregnancy. EVERYONE has been in these people''s business and the people who know don''t have to hold the news for very long...just a week or so. I thought I''d be holding on to the news for at least two months but she told me today she is going to let the cat out of the bag after the first ultrasound. That''s only one more week.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

TGal, I feel so awful for your friend. I have a good friend in the midst of IVF (trigger shot last night, retrieval tomorrow!!) and she has only told 2 people (no family) that she''s TTC over the past two years because a.) she doesn''t want everybody asking her how it''s going and b.) she''s very excited about being able to tell her family when she finally IS pregnant. The thought of somebody taking that away from her after going through so much is terrible. I''m so, so sorry for your friend.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/9/2009 4:35:40 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
TGal, I feel so awful for your friend. I have a good friend in the midst of IVF (trigger shot last night, retrieval tomorrow!!) and she has only told 2 people (no family) that she''s TTC over the past two years because a.) she doesn''t want everybody asking her how it''s going and b.) she''s very excited about being able to tell her family when she finally IS pregnant. The thought of somebody taking that away from her after going through so much is terrible. I''m so, so sorry for your friend.

Well, as far as I know, it hasn''t gotten to Ms. Blabbermouth yet, so maybe all is not lost. I''m not sure how much the dam can hold in a week though...my guess is there is going to be leaks before next week.

 

[Kaleigh]

That stinks, I feel badly for your friend. I do think part of the blame goes to Hubby But he''s soooo excited , so see how he wanted to share this exciting news. I know news travels fast in circles. I hope all works out for your friend and that she can share the happy news when she sees fit. I also know she wanted to share it with a select few, but once you do that you run the risk of someone blabbing....

 

[Mara]

yep the more people know something, the more apt it is to get out unfortunately! somehow news like this just manages to make it to the craziest places. and you''d be surprised even at how many people think they are being slick by like only giving innuendos or whatever and people figure it out. doh.

oh and in general people TOTALLY do tell the world about ''oh so and so is pregnant!''...it''s like they can''t contain it. same with engagements and all those other big life things. i have a friend who was preggo and her mom worked at the hospital as a volunteer and she would tell EVERY PERSON she came into contact with that her daughter was pregnant. it''s like...random strangers but she couldn''t contain herself.

 

[somethingshiny]

Well, DH and I tried for nearly 6 yrs, and you bet the cat got out of the bag before I was ready to tell. At first I was miffed and then I realized that our friends had been through those same 6 years waiting to have something to celebrate too. They were so excited for us they couldn''t contain themselves. I''m glad so many people wanted to celebrate our son even before he was born.

 

[luckystar112]

My opinion:

I think that it is wrong for him to betray his wife by keeping her in the dark about who he told.

However, I DON'T think that it is "her" story to tell just because she is carrying the child. He's been trying to have a kid for six years too!

ETA: Okay, okay, I see what you're talking about. The couples going on to spread the news is not okay. I agree with you there.

 

[atroop711]

this happened with us with my 1st pregnancy. My husband told his mom and sibs...he told them DON''T TELL ANYONE...we want to tell everyone after 12 wks. What the hell does my sister-in-law do? She tells ppl..not only just anyone but my husbands BEST FRIENDS.

My husband was LIVID with his sister. She''s a nosey and inconsiderate type. She was so offended that my husband was upset that she cursed our unborn child. SHE LITERALLY GOT VERY NASTY and told us to take our baby and *^@(*&(W*&E(*&#($*&@#. I kid you not

. She did me a favor...I never liked her and she gave me an excuse not to deal with her

 

[hlmr]

TGal, IVF pregnancies are the very hardest to keep a secret. Those who know you have been trying the IVF, will be expecting to hear news after a certain amount of time, unlike regular pregnancies that you can announce when you want.

At this point all you can do is continuing keeping her secret to yourself, in honour of your friend, and suggest strongly to those other friends who are now in the know (especially the gossipy one), that you are sure it would mean the world to the IVF friend, if her news is greeted with excitement, and not "I've already heard.....that's great, congrats!"

 

[swingirl]

The only real secret is one you don''t tell to anyone. There is no such thing as, "Don''t tell anyone but..." But unless she tried to keep it private how would anyone know they were supposed to keep quiet? It is such exciting news.

 

[Blair138]

That really stinks TGal-unfortunately I know many ladies whom this has happened too. Nowadays, it''s really easy for news to get spread, I have seen many ''outings'' via facebook which SUCKS. I have told FI that when it is our turn I don''t want to tell anyone until it is time, possibly only families early on but I am still worried it will get out.

SO MANY people nowadays break the ''12 week'' rule and you just never know.

I have a funny story about this from many years ago, a good mutual friend was pregnant and they told FI and I. We went out to dinner with another couple who was friends with the pregnant couple, but we didn''t say a word because it wasn''t our news. We later found out that the friends also knew, but didn''t know if we knew, so we went a whole dinner without saying anything. We all laughed about it later, but THAT is what SHOULD happen!

 

[cara]

Hmm, maybe I''m one of those bad gossipers, but this is totally something where I think context matters.

Close friend tells me they are TTC, not exactly in confidence, but in private, I wouldn''t think this is my news to share. Also tells me in private later that she is two months preggo. That I would share with my husband but not random friends. Husband, like Mara, I don''t keep secrets from unless someone specifically asked me not to share with him. And even then it would be hard. But random friends, given how early she is and the fact that it is preggo news, I would figure it is her news to tell when she wants to.

But say an less-close friend tell me they are four months preggo in a more public setting - say at a gathering of mutual friends. This I would not feel the same obligation to hide. Four months is a typical time for telling people (and starting to show), and the news was conveyed to me from someone I am not especially close to, in a manner that makes me think this cat is out of the bag, and has been for some while.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Well, her DH is the one who told, and it is his news too. It sounds to me like they didn''t clearly discuss with each other if/who they would tell, or he didn''t make it clear to his friends not to tell. Since she told you, it sounds like they really aren''t in the "not telling" camp and are more in the "hope this doesn''t spread too much" camp. And that never works because we all know that the one person you tell will tell just one other person with the caveat, "Don''t tell anyone, but . . ." and so on and so forth.

 

[Sha]

Date: 7/9/2009 10:28:34 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
Well, her DH is the one who told, and it is his news too. It sounds to me like they didn''t clearly discuss with each other if/who they would tell, or he didn''t make it clear to his friends not to tell. Since she told you, it sounds like they really aren''t in the ''not telling'' camp and are more in the ''hope this doesn''t spread too much'' camp. And that never works because we all know that the one person you tell will tell just one other person with the caveat, ''Don''t tell anyone, but . . .'' and so on and so forth.

I agree with this. Maybe he''s just really excited about it to keep it to himself? I can definitely understand that. As phoenix said - maybe they didn''t really discuss which friends they would disclose it to- or maybe it was just assumed that the husband wouldn''t tell most people until the ultrasound? Maybe the husband didn''t realize his best buds were telling their wives?

 

[lili]

TGal--
I feel bad for your friend.
Hopefully, the news can stay away from ms. blabbermouth for another week.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 7/9/2009 10:28:34 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
Well, her DH is the one who told, and it is his news too. It sounds to me like they didn''t clearly discuss with each other if/who they would tell, or he didn''t make it clear to his friends not to tell. Since she told you, it sounds like they really aren''t in the ''not telling'' camp and are more in the ''hope this doesn''t spread too much'' camp. And that never works because we all know that the one person you tell will tell just one other person with the caveat, ''Don''t tell anyone, but . . .'' and so on and so forth.

Ditto, I think it''s the husband''s news, too, so he should be entitled to tell his friends. The husband''s friends spreading it around is kind of a bummer, but it''s just because everyone is so excited, I''m sure. Good news travels fast among friends and family!

 

[purrfectpear]

Why be mad at the friends?

It was hubby who told. Unless he went around swearing everyone to secrecy (and it sounds like he didn''t), then there was no confidence to break. Even if he did, he knew the risks. If anyone has the right to be upset it''s the wife, not you IMO.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/10/2009 11:31:03 AM
Author: purrfectpear
Why be mad at the friends?

It was hubby who told. Unless he went around swearing everyone to secrecy (and it sounds like he didn''t), then there was no confidence to break. Even if he did, he knew the risks. If anyone has the right to be upset it''s the wife, not you IMO.

LOL, duh PP, I know it''s her right, not mine. I just don''t have a lot of patience for lame people...I don''t suppose you might know what that feels like?

Hee.

Somethingshiny, that''s a nice way of looking at it, kudos to you!

As I mentioned, I do certainly understand that the hubby has a right to tell (and he did ask people not to tell from what I gather). And people talk, I get that too. She''s my friend, I care about her. I''ve cried with her more than once over the years as everyone gets pregnant around her and she starts to get left out of things as friends turn into mothers and leave her behind.

It just boggles my mind how anyone could announce to a group of tight knit friends that one of them is pregnant and it is not the announcer. Things haven''t gotten out of control yet, so hopefully it won''t. But everyone does seem to be asking, "Is she pregnant?" which is understandable, but hopefully it won''t slip.

 

[Haven]

I''d be upset in this situation, too. I tend to be more private and discreet than the average person, and I''ve learned over the years that people will share just about anything they learn about other people''s lives, so I''d better keep my mouth shut unless I want everyone to know my news.

In this case, if I were your friend I''d be upset with my husband for sharing our news without discussing it with me, first.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 7/10/2009 1:31:20 PM
Author: Haven
I''d be upset in this situation, too. I tend to be more private and discreet than the average person, and I''ve learned over the years that people will share just about anything they learn about other people''s lives, so I''d better keep my mouth shut unless I want everyone to know my news.

In this case, if I were your friend I''d be upset with my husband for sharing our news without discussing it with me, first.

Here''s the kicker Haven, and this is obviously a problem with THEM -

She asked him not to tell anyone since his friends have big mouths.

He did tell some of his buddies. (And I don''t see how she can blame him since she told us, however the girls in this case are way more tight lipped).

She has no idea he''s told people, and I''m just going to keep my mouth shut.

They are going to have to ramp up communication if they are going to have a chance at parenting!

 

[Haven]

Oh, yikes. This sounds like a ticking time bomb, here.

I''d like to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that he was just *so* excited he couldn''t keep the news to himself. However, if it were me in this situation, I would be LIVID with my DH. I can''t imagine him doing that, though.

Here''s hoping this plays out well for your friends!

 

[tlh]

You are not alone. I totally agree, it was your friend''s news to tell. I''m sorry she''s been robbed of that right. Her AND her dh should have been able to tell people when they were ready... together. I guess he was just so overjoyed he cuoldn''t help it... which is quite lovely.

 

[crown1]

Date: 7/10/2009 1:37:54 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 7/10/2009 1:31:20 PM

Author: Haven

I''d be upset in this situation, too. I tend to be more private and discreet than the average person, and I''ve learned over the years that people will share just about anything they learn about other people''s lives, so I''d better keep my mouth shut unless I want everyone to know my news.


In this case, if I were your friend I''d be upset with my husband for sharing our news without discussing it with me, first.

Here''s the kicker Haven, and this is obviously a problem with THEM -


She asked him not to tell anyone since his friends have big mouths.


He did tell some of his buddies. (And I don''t see how she can blame him since she told us, however the girls in this case are way more tight lipped).


She has no idea he''s told people, and I''m just going to keep my mouth shut.


They are going to have to ramp up communication if they are going to have a chance at parenting!

i think you are just giving your opinion here on how you feel and doing some venting. i agree with what you have said in the above quote. she told, he told. once anyone tells it is going to get out. i really think in the scheme of things it is not a big deal. she is pregnant that is the big thing. i personally didn''t care who told when i was pregnant but then i told no one but my husband until i was five months. she will never be able to tell everyone herself as people talk and i think that is never going to change.