Who to invite to RD and not fight with my future MIL...

[Lanie]

I will make this brief:

We said at the beginning that the only people invited to the RD would be those in the wedding party, their spouses, and grandmas/grandpas. No out of town guests bc the list would become huge, and would basically be the whole guest list.

That put our RD list at something like 45 people. Fine. FI''s parents are paying for it, by the by.

So last night, his mom adds his great aunt to the list and her brother and his wife to the list. Great aunt is coming from out of town, and brother and wife are in state, but she wants them to be there as well.

I told my FI that this wasn''t really fair since they aren''t in the wedding party, and if they invite those 3 people, they would have to invite all of my uncles/aunts as well. I have 20 uncles and aunts (HUGE family).

Am I being ridiculous about this? My FI said that I was being nitpicky, and that if I had an issue with it, to take it up with his mom. I told him NO WAY is he making me out to be the bad guy. So he said he would talk to her about it. But it''s still going to make me look like the bad guy! Am I right or is this one of those battles I should just let go?

 

[Winks_Elf]

The only people who are supposed to be at the RD are the wedding party, bride & groom, and the parents. That''s IT. The purpose is not only to have a relaxing pre-wedding dinner with the bridal party, but so that the parents of the bride and groom can get better aquainted if they haven''t already. All the aunts and uncles coming is a definite no. That''s what the reception is for!

 

[fieryred33143]

Technically, it should only be the bridal party.

However, since they are paying for it I would just let them invite those 3 extra people.

Its true that it isn''t fair that your aunts/uncles don''t get to go but its just one night and it isn''t the night and it is their money.

 

[Lanie]

Date: 2/10/2009 1:18:26 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Technically, it should only be the bridal party.

However, since they are paying for it I would just let them invite those 3 extra people.

Its true that it isn''t fair that your aunts/uncles don''t get to go but its just one night and it isn''t the night and it is their money.

Yes they are paying for it, but my parents are paying for the entire wedding. If they didn''t invite all of his family, I couldn''t use the argument that since my parents are paying for it, they can invite whoever they want.

I don''t mean to sound snippy, but that''s what I WANT to tell her, but I know I SHOULDN''T tell her that. I thought the same thing, but when it comes down to it, I would hate for my uncle who is coming to Houston from Chicago to find out that my FI''s uncle who lives 3 hours away was invited. I''m very close to my uncle and he wouldn''t technically find out about it, but it should be more fair.

ARGH...thanks anyway for the reply. I should probably just let it go. This wedding has been more and more about not hurting people''s feelings than it has been about what WE want. It''s frustrating.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 2/10/2009 1:28:55 PM
Author: Lanie

Date: 2/10/2009 1:18:26 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Technically, it should only be the bridal party.

However, since they are paying for it I would just let them invite those 3 extra people.

Its true that it isn''t fair that your aunts/uncles don''t get to go but its just one night and it isn''t the night and it is their money.

Yes they are paying for it, but my parents are paying for the entire wedding. If they didn''t invite all of his family, I couldn''t use the argument that since my parents are paying for it, they can invite whoever they want.

I don''t mean to sound snippy, but that''s what I WANT to tell her, but I know I SHOULDN''T tell her that. I thought the same thing, but when it comes down to it, I would hate for my uncle who is coming to Houston from Chicago to find out that my FI''s uncle who lives 3 hours away was invited. I''m very close to my uncle and he wouldn''t technically find out about it, but it should be more fair.

ARGH...thanks anyway for the reply. I should probably just let it go. This wedding has been more and more about not hurting people''s feelings than it has been about what WE want. It''s frustrating.

It makes sense then after reading the highlighted part that you would be frustrated. I would then just tell her that you would rather it be just the bridal party and that''s it. I agree with having your FI tell her instead.

 

[tlh]

Date: 2/10/2009 1:28:55 PM
Author: Lanie

Date: 2/10/2009 1:18:26 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Technically, it should only be the bridal party.

However, since they are paying for it I would just let them invite those 3 extra people.

Its true that it isn''t fair that your aunts/uncles don''t get to go but its just one night and it isn''t the night and it is their money.

Yes they are paying for it, but my parents are paying for the entire wedding. If they didn''t invite all of his family, I couldn''t use the argument that since my parents are paying for it, they can invite whoever they want.

I don''t mean to sound snippy, but that''s what I WANT to tell her, but I know I SHOULDN''T tell her that. I thought the same thing, but when it comes down to it, I would hate for my uncle who is coming to Houston from Chicago to find out that my FI''s uncle who lives 3 hours away was invited. I''m very close to my uncle and he wouldn''t technically find out about it, but it should be more fair.

ARGH...thanks anyway for the reply. I should probably just let it go. This wedding has been more and more about not hurting people''s feelings than it has been about what WE want. It''s frustrating.

We can be technical... and go tit for tat. But, that isn''t the best spirit to be in when joining families. Trust me, my MIL was a major sense of a lot of my pre-wedding tension... ESP when it came to the guest list. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

It sounds like your beef is that you would really like your uncle to be there, as he is coming in from so far..In my opinion, I think you could ask your FMIL if he and a date? can also come ... if THIS is what you would like.... or just let it go. You are wasting your time being upset at someone if they don''t know what bothers you.

....and the hilighted portion is how I felt during the wedding process! HA, looking back I wish I eloped, or just stopped caring so much, and been more laid back... it would have been a lot more fun if I wasn''t worried so much about ettiquete.

HUGS!

 

[tlh]

Date: 2/10/2009 1:32:46 PM
Author: fieryred33143

It makes sense then after reading the highlighted part that you would be frustrated. I would then just tell her that you would rather it be just the bridal party and that's it. I agree with having your FI tell her instead.

DITTO. Tell your FI it is his mother, and you don't want to start out on the wrong foot. He should be able to talk to his mother! (My DH did the entire time, but he was a LOT meaner than I ever would have been, he told her that her Guest List was unreasonable, as THE BRIDE cut almost ALL of her NON wedding party friends to accomodate for grooms large family, not to accomodate for mother of the grooms FIFTY BFFs! haha!)

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 2/10/2009 1:28:55 PM
Author: Lanie

ARGH...thanks anyway for the reply. I should probably just let it go. This wedding has been more and more about not hurting people''s feelings than it has been about what WE want. It''s frustrating.

Oh, don''t I understand that! My mother informed me this morning that there are three more relatives that I MUST invite! Um, hello? That''s an additional $420 that we''ll have to spend, and no one but us is paying for the wedding!

 

[cara]

I think this is not a battle worth fighting. Your inlaws are throwing the party, they added a few people, for you to fight them on it just strikes me as micromanaging. Which I know is what wedding planning is all about, but unless you feel she would just add more people on if you don't object, I'd just let this one go. A few extras added to a 45 person party are not going to be noticed, and you can just blame your in-laws if anyone on your side questions it.

Winks Elf, it is customary but not required to invite out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner since they have traveled such a long way. If it works for the hosts, it can be a nice touch and is actually a traditional arrangement. But with modern relocation patterns and destination weddings, sometimes most of the wedding guests are traveling a long ways and it is cumbersome/too expensive/too many people these days. Thus OOTers are both traditional and optional to invite to the RD.

ETA: If you aren't afraid of opening the can of worms, ask your FMIL if your uncle can come if that is what is eating at you. But perhaps run it by your FI first, he should have some kind of instinct as to weather this would be the end of it or unleash some kind of guest-list-explosion.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Lanie, sucks that you've got the wedding blues. I think if more brides knew what exactly they were in for when planning their weddings, I think elopements, courthouse, and destination weddings would be much more common!

As far as the RD goes, it strikes me as a form of disrespect toward you and your family for your FMIL to invite people who fall outside of the the categories predetermined by you and FI. She is putting you in an uncomfortable situation because you have a close uncle who would like to attend, but cannot solely because he falls outside of those predetermined categories. Now, you have to "lie by omission" to a person who is close to you, because he would feel slighted that other aunts/uncles were there, and he was not.

The solution is to either invite your uncle as well, or to not invite FI aunts and uncle.

In my mind it doesn't matter that FMIL is paying for the RD because a) it is in honor of joining your families together, and to start off disrespecting memebers of your family isn't going to help that; b) your parents are paying for the reception, and hopefully did not disrespect FI's family in such a way.

FI should talk to his mother and see which option suits her best. She can decide on that.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I don't think it's a big deal for her to invite the uncle, but talk to your FI if it rubs you the wrong way. I can see it from her point of view though in that your FI has only one uncle to invite, but you have 20 aunts and uncles. I would assume that your other aunts and uncles would be in a snit if you invited one uncle but not the others (if they all traveled from far away). Think of it this way - if he only has one uncle (and aunt), then who are they going to hang out with on Friday night? At least your uncle has other family members to catch up with on Friday.


My FMIL and I talked this weekend, and we'll be inviting wedding party and their significant others, parents and grandparents, and out of state aunts and uncles to the rehearsal. It happens to work out that we each have one set, but that wasn't intentional. FI has some Navy buddies that may come from out of state, and if he wants them there, then I'll let him ask his mother if it's okay since his parents are paying. I imagine that my aunt and uncle from out of state will not show up for the rehearsal dinner though since they'll probably be staying with my other aunt and uncle in Houston who won't come until Saturday for the wedding.

 

[Lanie]

Date: 2/10/2009 4:50:39 PM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I don't think it's a big deal for her to invite the uncle, but talk to your FI if it rubs you the wrong way. I can see it from her point of view though in that your FI has only one uncle to invite, but you have 20 aunts and uncles. I would assume that your other aunts and uncles would be in a snit if you invited one uncle but not the others (if they all traveled from far away). Think of it this way - if he only has one uncle (and aunt), then who are they going to hang out with on Friday night? At least your uncle has other family members to catch up with on Friday.


My FMIL and I talked this weekend, and we'll be inviting wedding party and their significant others, parents and grandparents, and out of state aunts and uncles to the rehearsal. It happens to work out that we each have one set, but that wasn't intentional. FI has some Navy buddies that may come from out of state, and if he wants them there, then I'll let him ask his mother if it's okay since his parents are paying. I imagine that my aunt and uncle from out of state will not show up for the rehearsal dinner though since they'll probably be staying with my other aunt and uncle in Houston who won't come until Saturday for the wedding.

No, he has a lot more uncles and aunts that she's not inviting either! There are many people being overlooked in this equation...not just my side. His mother and father are divorced, and she's not inviting any of his dad's brothers/sisters. This uncle of his that she tacked on is her brother (My MIL's brother). The great aunt that she tacked on is her aunt. None of my FI's father's uncles have been included, and they are coming in from out of town as well.

AAARRGHGHHH...the more I think of this, the more it makes me frustrated.

 

[brooklyngirl]

My post was eaten *twice* bah!

I''ll make it short this time. If FI isn''t concerned about his mom''s relationship with the rest of his family, I see no reason why you should be. However, for your own piece of mind, make sure that your family, which includes YOU is treated fairly in this situation. That''s all that you can really ask.

 

[purrfectpear]

She''s paying so let her invite whomever she wants. If other relatives want to know why they weren''t included when the FI''s uncles were, then just honestly say that FI''s parents hosted and they developed the invite list. The HOST makes the list for the party, not the bride and groom.
Simple.

I wouldn''t let this disturb me, and I definitely wouldn''t start in with FMIL on it. You''ll sound like a gradeschooler if you say "but that''s not faaaair".

 

[Izzy03]

A few words of wisdom:

PICK YOUR BATTLES!

I am one of those people who is all about being fair, but she is paying so let her invite these extra people and she can deal with the heat of her relatives being upset.

If your relatives get upset, its simple. Inform them she made the guest list.

Good luck!