Who pays for the e-ring?

[Kissingfish]

Not sure if this has been discussed before or not -- And I know that traditionally the man would buy the engagement ring and propose to his significant other..

Is it the same these days?

I mean, personally, I did just that -- went to a jeweler, (in my case designed a ring), paid for it, and will present it to my girlfriend once it''''s made as a surprise.. I know that these days both the guy and gal choose the engagement ring together.. However.. Is it acceptable (or in some cases expected) these days for both parties of the relationship to contribute with the expenses of the engagement ring?

 

[poptart]

There are quite a few people on this forum who I think have helped buy their engagement ring, such as if what they wanted went over budget. It''s not odd to do this now, and that way both parties can get what they want!

*M*

 

[grapegravity]

From my own experience, the guy HAVE to (yes, according to both my boyfriend and my family background) pay for EVERYTHING! From the engagement to the whole wedding, to the house... And my boyfriend saved up and bought everthing! and now only the wedding planning left....

And all my friends are like that too...

 

[wimpwgn]

Date: 12/18/2006 7:03:15 PM
Author: grapegravity
From my own experience, the guy HAVE to (yes, according to both my boyfriend and my family background) pay for EVERYTHING! From the engagement to the whole wedding, to the house... And my boyfriend saved up and bought everthing! and now only the wedding planning left....

And all my friends are like that too...

I guess you don''t marry an average joe then.

 

[grapegravity]

Date: 12/18/2006 7:06:56 PM
Author: wimpwgn

Date: 12/18/2006 7:03:15 PM
Author: grapegravity
From my own experience, the guy HAVE to (yes, according to both my boyfriend and my family background) pay for EVERYTHING! From the engagement to the whole wedding, to the house... And my boyfriend saved up and bought everthing! and now only the wedding planning left....

And all my friends are like that too...

I guess you don''t marry an average joe then.

We are high school sweathearts and he is actually an average viet guy who works 12 hours/day, 6 days a week so he can marry me asap.... I know, poor him... But we are almost there.... 3 more years to go...

 

[Kissingfish]

I don''t know if I can agree with that -- first of, I know that traditionally the family of the bride pays for a lot of the wedding things..
I have paid for the e-ring, as well as recently having had bought a house. I''m also paying for most of the wedding things.. And whilst my fiancee''s family aren''t contributing to anything, my family is, and my fiancee is also..

I know I could work two jobs and work 80 hour weeks in order to pay for the wedding, but also know that my girlfriend wouldn''t want me to..

 

[anchor31]

I paid for the setting of the ring, but originally he wanted to pay for all of it on his own. However, he went and bought his own engagement present (silly man

), so he agreed to let me pay for the setting.

Is this the norm? I don''t think so... I''m not sure how I would have reacted if he''d told me "well, since you''re choosing your ring, you''ll have to pay a part of it"...

That said, I certainly don''t expect him to pay for the entire wedding. We''re splitting costs from now on, since "my" and "his" money will soon become "our" money.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

It is still the tradition for the guy to buy the engagement ring to give to the girl where I live.

 

[rockbie]

I want a bigger rock so I offered to help but my bf wouldn''t let me.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Do a search there has been *many* polls on this before.

 

[Maria D]

Date: 12/18/2006 6:44:11 PM
Author:Kissingfish
I know that these days both the guy and gal choose the engagement ring together..

I''m not sure where you got the idea that "these days" the couple chooses the engagement ring together. Some couples go with the idealized romantic proposal where the man chooses and pays for the ring and then surprises the woman with both the ring and the proposal. Some do a modification of this where the ring is chosen together and the man keeps it for a while and then ''surprises'' the woman with a proper proposal. While technically the man may pay for the ring, in reality the couple is sometimes already living together and sharing income/expenses so they are both, in effect, paying. Some couples decide to get married, choose the ring together and forgo a formal proposal. I''m sure there''s many other ways to go about it too. But these approaches aren''t at all unique to ''these days;'' I can think of couples who got engaged all of these different ways 20 years ago!

 

[the other Jake]

Date: 12/18/2006 7:03:15 PM
Author: grapegravity
From my own experience, the guy HAVE to (yes, according to both my boyfriend and my family background) pay for EVERYTHING! From the engagement to the whole wedding, to the house... And my boyfriend saved up and bought everthing! and now only the wedding planning left....

And all my friends are like that too...

Actually, traditionally the bride's family pays for the wedding. I don't know where you got this. Your bf is not very intelligent.

 

[Bunnifer]

Date: 12/18/2006 9:35:37 PM
Author: the other Jake

Date: 12/18/2006 7:03:15 PM

Author: grapegravity

From my own experience, the guy HAVE to (yes, according to both my boyfriend and my family background) pay for EVERYTHING! From the engagement to the whole wedding, to the house... And my boyfriend saved up and bought everthing! and now only the wedding planning left....

And all my friends are like that too...

Actually, traditionally the bride''s family pays for the wedding. I don''t know where you got this. Your bf is not very intelligent.

If you read her post carefully, she said that she and her fiance (and I''m guessing most of her friends who follow this "tradition") are Vietnamese. It is *generally* an Asian tradition that the groom pays for the wedding.

Therefore, you should pause to pass judgment before you call someone "not very intelligent" -- you need the facts first, Jake.

 

[Bunnifer]

Date: 12/18/2006 7:11:28 PM
Author: grapegravity

Date: 12/18/2006 7:06:56 PM
Author: wimpwgn

Date: 12/18/2006 7:03:15 PM
Author: grapegravity
From my own experience, the guy HAVE to (yes, according to both my boyfriend and my family background) pay for EVERYTHING! From the engagement to the whole wedding, to the house... And my boyfriend saved up and bought everthing! and now only the wedding planning left....

And all my friends are like that too...

I guess you don''t marry an average joe then.

We are high school sweathearts and he is actually an average viet guy who works 12 hours/day, 6 days a week so he can marry me asap.... I know, poor him... But we are almost there.... 3 more years to go...

I can''t seem to get the highlighting to work, but here is the quote where she mentions her background.

Jake, I know you are generally fiscally conservative, but I think it is tacky and inappropriate to call someone''s bf "not very intelligent," regardless whether you knew the traditional backstory or not. Aside from the Asian tradition, if he chose to pay for the e-ring, the wedding, and the house, then that is his CHOICE. Some might say that is unwise to extend himself so thin fiscally if it means he needs to work overtime, but that DOES NOT REFLECT on one''s intelligence. We are grown adults and do not need to resort to name calling when our views differ with others.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 12/18/2006 9:41:22 PM
Author: Bunnifer

Date: 12/18/2006 9:35:37 PM
Author: the other Jake

Date: 12/18/2006 7:03:15 PM

Author: grapegravity

From my own experience, the guy HAVE to (yes, according to both my boyfriend and my family background) pay for EVERYTHING! From the engagement to the whole wedding, to the house... And my boyfriend saved up and bought everthing! and now only the wedding planning left....

And all my friends are like that too...

Actually, traditionally the bride''s family pays for the wedding. I don''t know where you got this. Your bf is not very intelligent.

If you read her post carefully, she said that she and her fiance (and I''m guessing most of her friends who follow this ''tradition'') are Vietnamese. It is *generally* an Asian tradition that the groom pays for the wedding.

Therefore, you should pause to pass judgment before you call someone ''not very intelligent'' -- you need the facts first, Jake.

YUP!! Jake you need to know there are many posters that have traditions other than your own. What you said was mean spirited and not what PS is about.

 

[Boom]

Date: 12/18/2006 9:35:37 PM
Author: the other Jake

Date: 12/18/2006 7:03:15 PM
Author: grapegravity
From my own experience, the guy HAVE to (yes, according to both my boyfriend and my family background) pay for EVERYTHING! From the engagement to the whole wedding, to the house... And my boyfriend saved up and bought everthing! and now only the wedding planning left....

And all my friends are like that too...

Actually, traditionally the bride''s family pays for the wedding. I don''t know where you got this. Your bf is not very intelligent.

Wow. That is unbelievably rude and ugly.

 

[the other Jake]

Lol, I love making controversy. Grapegravity I apologize and was not serious in my post. Please don''t take offense and I think it is very romantic that your man worked so hard for you. You should feel very lucky!

 

[orbaya]

My hubby paid for the my ering and proprosed. We went ring shopping together and I gave him a few choices so that way it was a surprise, but I knew I was going to get something I liked. We put our wedding bands on layaway and both made payments on those together. My parents paid for the wedding, while the IL''s paid for the flowers, rehearsal dinner and a cruise.

As far as our money goes, I have my money, and his is mine too. lol

 

[musey]

Date: 12/18/2006 9:35:37 PM
Author: the other Jake
Actually, traditionally the bride's family pays for the wedding. I don't know where you got this. Your bf is not very intelligent.

Yikes.

 

[kcoursolle]

Anything goes these days, you don''t have to go with tradition if it doesn''t make sense for the two of you. My fi payed for the diamond in my e-ring and I paid for the setting and my wedding band. My wedding band is pretty elaborate, so the expense was about the same for both of us.

 

[Olive Oil]

I wouldn''t mind chipping in -- IF it is discussed first. And I would want to have some say in what ring the ring looked like. I would be offended if it was a surprise proposal and then I was asked to pay for a ring he already bought. "I love you, let''s get married, by the way you owe me $3000."

I guess ideally, I would want my boyfriend to tell me he is willing to spend X amount, and if I want something more expensive, I will need to chip in. I am also saving for an engagement gift for him that is pretty expensive, so it will even out in the end.

 

[goldenstar]

Date: 12/18/2006 11:38:03 PM
Author: the other Jake
Lol, I love making controversy. Grapegravity I apologize and was not serious in my post. Please don''t take offense and I think it is very romantic that your man worked so hard for you. You should feel very lucky!

There''s a difference between being a devil''s advocate and being mean.

 

[stags14]

Date: 12/18/2006 7:03:15 PM
Author: grapegravity
From my own experience, the guy HAVE to (yes, according to both my boyfriend and my family background) pay for EVERYTHING! From the engagement to the whole wedding, to the house... And my boyfriend saved up and bought everthing! and now only the wedding planning left....

And all my friends are like that too...

Wow - that is quite "different".

 

[stags14]

Date: 12/18/2006 7:06:56 PM
Author: wimpwgn


I guess you don''t marry an average joe then.

Every average Joe I know doesn''t feel he has to purchase everything for his significant other.

 

[stags14]

Date: 12/19/2006 4:11:44 AM
Author: goldenstar

There''s a difference between being a devil''s advocate and being mean.

How do you feel about someone that seems to take delight in the fact their boyfriend is working 12 hours per day, 6 days per week because he feels he has to pay for everything?

I am interested in hearing how you classify that.

 

[Bunnifer]

Date: 12/19/2006 7:55:30 AM
Author: stags14

Date: 12/18/2006 7:06:56 PM

Author: wimpwgn



I guess you don''t marry an average joe then.

Every average Joe I know doesn''t feel he has to purchase everything for his significant other.

This is true; however, not every average Joe comes from a culture where this is the "norm." Considering the matter from the Asian perspective, one could easily make the argument that it is strange for the bride''s family to shoulder the entire financial burden for a wedding that involves TWO families. OTOH, traditional Asian culture is still rather patriarchal (and less "modern"); therefore it might make sense that the groom would "want" to pay for everything since he is traditionally viewed as the breadwinner and should "demonstrate" that he is able to provide for his new family. (Just offering potential reasons for the tradition; I don''t actually believe this myself.)


Also, if you ask some of the EU or British brides, they would probably think it''s a crazy idea for BMs to be expected to pay much of their own wedding fares or to have a wedding shower AND a rehearsal dinner. So who is it so say that it''s "CRAZY" to work hard (albeit 12 hours a day; 6 days a week) to be able to afford to provide your bride with what is expected of him by her family AND probably his family? Is that so very different than putting in (granted, a lot of) overtime to be able to afford a ring (or a house) that your fi loves because you love her and want to give her everything she wants?

In the end, I really feel it is about your culture and not about feeling as if you are forced to do something against your will (although sometimes it might feel like that even if you are following the culture). I promise, this is the last word I will write about Asian culture. I just get very riled up when people make blind judgments.

To answer the original question, I think traditionally, in Western and Asian cultures, the man would buy the engagement ring and propose to his SO. Nowadays, it is much more common for both parties in the relationship to contribute towards the expenses of the ring. IRL, I am designing my own ring and if it goes over my bf''s budget, I am seriously considering contributing the extra money it would cost to get the ring of my dreams (or pay all of the bills for a period of time, or something like that.) And yes, I am Asian (although a very modern, Americanized one.)

 

[colorkitty]

There are no hard and fast rules. It''s all about what makes sense to the couple and what feels comfortable to them. I''ve known couples that have done both.

 

[tuanle55]

Date: 12/18/2006 7:06:56 PM
Author: wimpwgn

Date: 12/18/2006 7:03:15 PM
Author: grapegravity
From my own experience, the guy HAVE to (yes, according to both my boyfriend and my family background) pay for EVERYTHING! From the engagement to the whole wedding, to the house... And my boyfriend saved up and bought everthing! and now only the wedding planning left....

And all my friends are like that too...

I guess you don''t marry an average joe then.

My reaction to this post was the same of Jake. I want to resort to a lot of name calling myself too but will hold back for the sake of keeping the forum clean.
Unless she''s just bragging and exaggerating things a bit, there''s something terribly wrong having your man work 12 hours a day / 6 days a week. Also when you get marry, everything is joint. So whether or not he paid for everything now, ultimately it''s really a shared expense. Instead of coming in the marriage with said $XXX amount, he''s coming in now with $XX. Everything in life must be balanced otherwise you end up making sacrifices somewhere else. I am viet also, I don''t think that is typical of an asian/vietnamese tradition at all.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 12/19/2006 9:09:14 AM
Author: tuanle55

My reaction to this post was the same of Jake. I want to resort to a lot of name calling myself too but will hold back for the sake of keeping the forum clean.
Unless she''s just bragging and exaggerating things a bit, there''s something terribly wrong having your man work 12 hours a day / 6 days a week. Also when you get marry, everything is joint. So whether or not he paid for everything now, ultimately it''s really a shared expense. Instead of coming in the marriage with said $XXX amount, he''s coming in now with $XX. Everything in life must be balanced otherwise you end up making sacrifices somewhere else. I am viet also, I don''t think that is typical of an asian/vietnamese tradition at all.

So interesting to hear two different sides of a similar cultural perspective!

Regardless of tradition, I''d feel awful if my fiance was working 70+ hours a week just to save up enough to marry me.

If we were that low on money, I think I''d defer on the engagement ring and wait until a more financially stable time in our lives together. My FI set an e-ring budget and saved up for a while, then I contributed from my own savings when we ended up going about $1000 over that budget. And we are fortunate enough to have both our families working together to cover the cost of our wedding... he''s an only child, and I''m an only daughter. So things have worked out pretty well so far!

 

[Snow White]

Interresting discussion...
I live with my bf in the appartment we bough together.
I whished an expensive e-ring my bf could not afford.
I paid for the stone and he offered me very nice setting.
It is now his ring

and I am the most happy woman in the world

This process is culturally very acceptable in most social enviroments in EU.

We will finance the wedding 1/3 his parents, 1/3 my parents, 1/3 we together, like most of our friends.