Which of the following are reasonable Bachelorette Party expenses/requests?

[sonnyjane]

Date: 12/1/2009 2:11:08 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/1/2009 2:07:48 PM

Author: tyty333

Bail on this wedding fast! This bride is ridiculous! I''m surprised she didnt want to check your W2 forms

to make sure you could afford to be a bridesmaid!

I only asked for 2 prior pay stubs. This girl is insane...

Only 2 pay stubs? How trusting of you! I''d think a thorough FICO analysis and 50% security deposit would be more reasonable! You can''t take chances with your bridesmaids! I''d hate to think they''d pull out on the bridal limo or deluxe spa accommodations a few days before the bachelorette party just because one of them was selfish and decided to feed their children or something. To be truly safe, you should really get a notarized contract...

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/1/2009 3:02:12 PM
Author: sonnyjane

Date: 12/1/2009 2:11:08 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/1/2009 2:07:48 PM

Author: tyty333

Bail on this wedding fast! This bride is ridiculous! I''m surprised she didnt want to check your W2 forms

to make sure you could afford to be a bridesmaid!

I only asked for 2 prior pay stubs. This girl is insane...

Only 2 pay stubs? How trusting of you! I''d think a thorough FICO analysis and 50% security deposit would be more reasonable! You can''t take chances with your bridesmaids! I''d hate to think they''d pull out on the bridal limo or deluxe spa accommodations a few days before the bachelorette party just because one of them was selfish and decided to feed their children or something. To be truly safe, you should really get a notarized contract...

rotfl....

 

[vc10um]

Date: 12/1/2009 3:09:53 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 12/1/2009 3:02:12 PM
Author: sonnyjane

Date: 12/1/2009 2:11:08 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/1/2009 2:07:48 PM

Author: tyty333

Bail on this wedding fast! This bride is ridiculous! I''m surprised she didnt want to check your W2 forms

to make sure you could afford to be a bridesmaid!

I only asked for 2 prior pay stubs. This girl is insane...

Only 2 pay stubs? How trusting of you! I''d think a thorough FICO analysis and 50% security deposit would be more reasonable! You can''t take chances with your bridesmaids! I''d hate to think they''d pull out on the bridal limo or deluxe spa accommodations a few days before the bachelorette party just because one of them was selfish and decided to feed their children or something. To be truly safe, you should really get a notarized contract...

rotfl....

+2 (my officemate and I are both on the floor right now...)

ruthenium, I''d run as fast as you can...this is just RIDICULOUS. Dinner and drinks, and MAYBE a limo is as far as I''d go!

 

[anchor31]

I''m very shocked by your friend''s demands as well. When I got married in August 2008, my friends, sister and SILs were in similar financial situations as you are and I demanded nothing from them. My sister planned an awesome bachelorette for me, which consisted of a dinner then an evening at the bar. The ladies covered my expenses, but it couldn''t have cost them more than 10$ each plus their own dinner and drinks.

If your "friend" knows you and her other friends can''t afford the weekend bash thing, if she was a reasonable human being, she wouldn''t be asking you to get a second job for it. She would settle for something you can afford, or if she really really wants it, she would pay her own way and then some. Sure, sometimes as a BM you have to make concessions to make your friend happy (like wear a hot medieval costume in the middle of July

), but go into debt or get a second job? Never.

She has to start thinking about what,s more important... An extravangant party, of her friendships? If I were you, I would politely bail out of the wedding party.

 

[Circe]

She wants you to get a part-time job to pay for the honor of fete-ing, wining, and dining her?

I, ah ... how to put this?

GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY POCKET.

That''s about as nicely as I can put it. It is absolutely none of her business how much money you have, or how you choose to dispose of it. You have agreed to assist her with her wedding, not to provide her with the luxury weekend of her dreams. Good lord, what are people smoking these days ....

 

[kittybean]

Oh. My. Goodness. This bride is downing crazy pills like they''re going out of style!

Reasonable = whatever your friends can comfortably afford and want to give you. If you have to force your friends to throw you an extravagant party they don''t want to throw you, that is just plain sad.

I think I have to agree with those who said it''s time to bail on this non-friend.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

This is CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was having a bachelorette party in Las Vegas prior to my wedding. About three months before the wedding, my best friend from college advised me of a financial situation she had discovered herself in and that she would only be able to come to either the party in Vegas or my destination wedding. I never even thought twice about it. There is no way she was missing my wedding and no way she wasn''t going to be involved in my bachelorette party.

I scrapped the destination bachelorette party and had a fabulous time in town with all of my girls. It actually worked out better and I got a much better turn out than if we''d gone to Vegas...

I would run from this bride, especially the advise that you get a part-time job!! UGH

 

[violet3]

Date: 12/1/2009 1:30:44 AM
Author: ruthenium
Thank you sonnyjane & neatfreak.

We just started planning the party, and found out an all expenses paid weekend was expected by the bride. Some of us were caught off guard, because the bride previously attended parties where she was a student, and not asked to contribute to any expenses.

She understands our predicament, and advised us to find part time work. She also suggested she can pay her own airfare, while we shoulder the rest of her expenses (food + drinks) for the weekend. She knows she will ''losing out'' if she takes this route because she will be paying for others'' entire expenses for future parties, but is willing to compromise because she is mindful of our situation.

The choice of destinations are on both coasts, and the bridal party is also split geographically. No matter where it is held, half the party will need to travel. Having the Party the weekend of the wedding to save on airfare is also apparently out of the question.

Thanks again.

OH. MY. GOD.

this sounds completely ridiculous to me, but then i didn''t even want a bachelorette party. I do not think ANYONE should have to get a part time job so a bride can have a bachelorette party and get free food and booze. With all the other things you have to buy when you are a bridesmaid, that just seems so over the top to me. Personally, i believe i would tell the bride just that.

 

[ts44]

Date: 12/1/2009 7:01:54 PM
Author: Circe
She wants you to get a part-time job to pay for the honor of fete-ing, wining, and dining her?

I, ah ... how to put this?

GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY POCKET.

That''s about as nicely as I can put it. It is absolutely none of her business how much money you have, or how you choose to dispose of it. You have agreed to assist her with her wedding, not to provide her with the luxury weekend of her dreams. Good lord, what are people smoking these days ....

This made me snort tea up my nose.

It''s so true though. When I first read this thread the scenario was so over the top I wondered if it was fake! I can''t imagine what is going through this bride''s head.

 

[ruthenium]

Thank you everyone for your posts. It's been incredibly hectic, apologies for not replying until now.

The bride has apologized. Hooray! We are not sure if she realizes the full extent of her offense.

We can not begin to express how incredulous and livid we were just a few days ago. What transpired was so outlandish we had a moment of doubt and thought maybe WE were being unreasonable and selfish. We could not reconcile what was said and the bride's usual thoughtful nature. We know and love the bride, she is among our dearest friends. The bride has sporadic lapses in judgment and memory, however the breach has never been this terrible.

The groom to be is a wonderful and lucky person. His groomsmen are financing an all expenses paid extravaganza, and of course his bride deserves no less. We were so helpfully advised to familiarize ourselves with proper wedding etiquette and our responsibilities as members of the bridal party. The combination of the couple's personalities sometimes leads to a downward spiral of ignorance that cannot be believed.

We hope this was a temporary display of insanity, never to be seen again.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 12/3/2009 2:20:22 AM
Author: ruthenium
Thank you everyone for your posts. It''s been incredibly hectic, apologies for not replying until now.

The bride has apologized. Hooray! We are not sure if she realizes the full extent of her offense.

We can not begin to express how incredulous and livid we were just a few days ago. What transpired was so outlandish we had a moment of doubt and thought maybe WE were being unreasonable and selfish. We could not reconcile what was said and the bride''s usual thoughtful nature. We know and love the bride, she is among our dearest friends. The bride has sporadic lapses in judgment and memory, however the breach has never been this terrible.

The groom to be is a wonderful and lucky person. His groomsmen are financing an all expenses paid extravaganza, and of course his bride deserves no less. We were so helpfully advised to familiarize ourselves with proper wedding etiquette and our responsibilities as members of the bridal party. The combination of the couple''s personalities sometimes leads to a downward spiral of ignorance that cannot be believed.

We hope this was a temporary display of insanity, never to be seen again.

Wow! Are you really sure you want to still be apart of her wedding party?

Perhaps you should send her the link to this thread so that the both of them can familiarise themselves with true etiquette.. wedding or otherwise.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/3/2009 8:17:04 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree

Date: 12/3/2009 2:20:22 AM
Author: ruthenium
Thank you everyone for your posts. It''s been incredibly hectic, apologies for not replying until now.

The bride has apologized. Hooray! We are not sure if she realizes the full extent of her offense.

We can not begin to express how incredulous and livid we were just a few days ago. What transpired was so outlandish we had a moment of doubt and thought maybe WE were being unreasonable and selfish. We could not reconcile what was said and the bride''s usual thoughtful nature. We know and love the bride, she is among our dearest friends. The bride has sporadic lapses in judgment and memory, however the breach has never been this terrible.

The groom to be is a wonderful and lucky person. His groomsmen are financing an all expenses paid extravaganza, and of course his bride deserves no less. We were so helpfully advised to familiarize ourselves with proper wedding etiquette and our responsibilities as members of the bridal party. The combination of the couple''s personalities sometimes leads to a downward spiral of ignorance that cannot be believed.

We hope this was a temporary display of insanity, never to be seen again.

I''m glad to hear she apologized, but did she actually realize that you all going into debt over HER bachelorette party was over the top, or did she just apologize for the "part-time" job comment and still fully expects a trip to be planned and paid for?

Alos, was the highlighted part a joke?

I''m confused... not that you owe us answers, I would just really like to know what you all have decided to do?

My DH had a weekend trip to Vegas, but each guy paid their own way, and I had one night of dinner, drinks, and a hotel with my closest girlfriends and my sisters. Just because one person has something extravagant, doesn''t mean that both people have to.

 

[ruthenium]

hawaiianorangetree, doodle, honey22, Girlrocks, lucyandroger, Hudson_Hawk, tlh, meresal, elledizzy5, SapphireLover, Amanda.Rx, thing2of2, neatfreak, laughwithme, nkarma, katamari, tyty333, Haven, sonnyjane, vc10um, anchor31, Circe, kittybean, wannaBMrsH, violet3, and ts44 thank you for your advice and sharing your experiences.

We are in a difficult situation because this behavior is inconsistent with the bride's general good nature. Otherwise the advice here would have been taken immediately. Her other positive qualities far outweigh these bouts of selfishness. The bride did not ask of us anything she would not do herself. The bachelorette party is a vacation where we can all spend quality time with each other, what could be more fun and important than that? Luckily the unlucky among us are getting by on savings, or the support of our SOs. If the situations had been more dire, we're sure these requests would not have been made. Owing a significant sum of money with no income is not an ideal situation however.

Unfortunately none of the posted were jokes. There is a stubborn streak of, "I know what's best, what's right" that is very unattractive in the groom.

The bride has chosen the more affordable of the two destinations. Because of our savings from airfare, we should be able to pool our money to supplement others' and provide an expense free weekend for the bride. We are relieved this has worked out. We are afraid our lingering feelings of indignation are really pettiness in disguise. The apology did not encompass the job comment, in the same breath it was reiterated again.

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/3/2009 9:54:00 AM
Author: ruthenium
hawaiianorangetree, doodle, honey22, Girlrocks, lucyandroger, Hudson_Hawk, tlh, meresal, elledizzy5, SapphireLover, Amanda.Rx, thing2of2, neatfreak, laughwithme, nkarma, katamari, tyty333, Haven, sonnyjane, vc10um, anchor31, Circe, kittybean, wannaBMrsH, violet3, and ts44 thank you for your advice and sharing your experiences.

We are in a difficult situation because this behavior is inconsistent with the bride''s general good nature. Otherwise the advice here would have been taken immediately. Her other positive qualities far outweigh these bouts of selfishness. The bride did not ask of us anything she would not do herself. The bachelorette party is a vacation where we can all spend quality time with each other, what could be more fun and important than that? Luckily the unlucky among us are getting by on savings, or the support of our SOs. If the situations had been more dire, we''re sure these requests would not have been made. Owing a significant sum of money with no income is not an ideal situation however.

Unfortunately none of the posted were jokes. There is a stubborn streak of, ''I know what''s best, what''s right'' that is very unattractive in the groom.

The bride has chosen the more affordable of the two destinations. Because of our savings from airfare, we should be able to pool our money to supplement others'' and provide an expense free weekend for the bride. We are relieved this has worked out. We are afraid our lingering feelings of indignation are really pettiness in disguise. The apology did not encompass the job comment, in the same breath it was reiterated again.

Everyone here has been in COMPLETE agreement about this Bride''s behavior. I realize that you are new here, so just to point out, every poster in an entire thread agreeing is NOT a common occurrance on PS.

This girl is completely in the wrong, and IMO you and the other BM''s are making a huge mistake by giving into this charade. I don''t quite understand how this type of behavior could not be typical or even forseen a little bit. I have never ever heard of such demands on someone''s closest freinds, and in the financial situation that you find yourselves.

This is not a person that I would be calling a friend anymore.

Re: the highlighted part... Are you KIDDING me??? "Pettiness in disguise"??? What does this girl have over you?

 

[ruthenium]

Thanks again to everyone who responded. This has been a very exasperating experience and your replies have been a tremendous support.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 12/3/2009 9:54:00 AM
Author: ruthenium
hawaiianorangetree, doodle, honey22, Girlrocks, lucyandroger, Hudson_Hawk, tlh, meresal, elledizzy5, SapphireLover, Amanda.Rx, thing2of2, neatfreak, laughwithme, nkarma, katamari, tyty333, Haven, sonnyjane, vc10um, anchor31, Circe, kittybean, wannaBMrsH, violet3, and ts44 thank you for your advice and sharing your experiences.

We are in a difficult situation because this behavior is inconsistent with the bride's general good nature. Otherwise the advice here would have been taken immediately. Her other positive qualities far outweigh these bouts of selfishness. The bride did not ask of us anything she would not do herself. The bachelorette party is a vacation where we can all spend quality time with each other, what could be more fun and important than that? Luckily the unlucky among us are getting by on savings, or the support of our SOs. If the situations had been more dire, we're sure these requests would not have been made. Owing a significant sum of money with no income is not an ideal situation however.

Unfortunately none of the posted were jokes. There is a stubborn streak of, 'I know what's best, what's right' that is very unattractive in the groom.

The bride has chosen the more affordable of the two destinations. Because of our savings from airfare, we should be able to pool our money to supplement others' and provide an expense free weekend for the bride. We are relieved this has worked out. We are afraid our lingering feelings of indignation are really pettiness in disguise. The apology did not encompass the job comment, in the same breath it was reiterated again.

ruthenium...I'm so sorry to hear she is STILL treating you so poorly. I have to agree with meresal on this one...giving in now will mean this won't be the end of her strain on your finanacial resources, regardless of whether or not this appears to be a departure from her "general good nature". She seems to be a master manipulator of your feelings and finances--I should know, my sister is one of those people--and I would stand your ground. Tell her she's getting a small party or none at all, ESPECIALLY since she has reiterated the part-time job comment! She is NOT deserving of your time, friendship or MONEY. This is just ridiculous.

ETA: This hasn't "worked out" as you say. If you still feel so indignant, this isn't going to be the bachelorette weekend of ANYONE'S dreams because you will all be miserable the entire time!!!

 

[ruthenium]

Thank you meresal, we did not realize complete agreement is rare. We thought it was pretty common.

We have a strong affection for the bride that is difficult to verbalize properly. This incident is not representative of her entire nature. Her unwelcome behavior is muted with some of us. Some of us bear the full brunt of it while others have the good fortune to never experience it. Because these outbursts are rare, some ignore it completely, some seethe, some choose to focus on her many other positive qualities.

 

[meresal]

I just hope, for you and the other BM''s, this is the end of her demands. Though I fear it probably is not.

Do you all know what she expects to be paid for once you get there? I would hate for you all to get there, and have a completely different idea of what you expect to pay for, and what SHE expects you to pay for.

 

[ruthenium]

Vc10um thanks again for your reply. The bride''s mentality is hard to describe. Any selfishness arises from ignorance & selective memory and not maliciousness or manipulation. The bride is genuinely not aware that sometimes her comments are incredibly hurtful and out of line. It is our fault we have not made our feelings better known. There were unsuccessful attempts but her priorities and mindset were steadfast.

The Party should be on budget because there are plenty of fun affordable activities in the chosen destination.

 

[neatfreak]

Well all I have to say is good luck then. Regardless of the bride''s regular personality I would have been having a "you are a crazy bridezilla" talk at the very least.

 

[ruthenium]

Thank you neatfreak. We will be having that chat. At the time of the incident we regret we were not quick witted enough to set her straight.

Thanks again to everyone for voicing their opinion. Hopefully there will be nothing else to report, except what a pleasant time was had next year.

 

[meresal]

I just read over the other thread you started in Hangout, where you gave more information about the actual situation than you gave here.

It seems that the Bride''s comment wasn''t quite the blanket statement to all the BM''s that you eluded to, but was actually just said to one girl, because of some prior issues that she has with that one BM?


Maybe this Bride isn''t really as bad as you made her sound... Hope you all have a great weekend.

 

[ruthenium]

Thank you meresal, I am hopeful that our weekend will meet everyone''s expectations.

This thread was a concerted effort by us to address issues we were having with the bride. Each of us have contributed snippets of our conversations with her. There was no ill intent to withhold information, or to paint her in a bad light. One of us (me) was additionally curious about judgments in general, and started a separate thread in Hangout as to not draw attention to an individual bm.

The bride''s statement was addressed to more than one person. I was spared because I am a student, and am believed to have the necessary budget set aside already. The primary bm the statement was directed toward is also the one with considerable debt through unlucky circumstances (not frivolous spending). If she was able to find employment, her paychecks would certainly be paying down her debt, and not funding a party. I do apologize if information was left out, this has been a group effort, and at times disconnected.

 

[meresal]

Thanks for clarifying. In your other thread it seemed that she only directed the comment at the one girl. My mistake.

 

[tlh]

If you can afford it, want to do it... then go and have fun.

The girl that cannot - shouldn''t feel obligated- and you shouldn''t feel you have to carry her burden AND that of the bride as a group. Sorry. That is just not practical... and if friend cannot make it- bride will get over it - and you girls show her the best time ever so she doesn''t feel like the other friend is a bad friend or bridesmaid because she just has less $$$ to give.

Being a bridesmaid is more than money - sometimes you offer gifts of your time. IE - helping to address envelopes- helping to decorate - listening to countless vents about florists, photogs, MOGS and MOBS... try to help your bride understand that.

I know this would be a fun girls vaca- and yeah, the left out girl might be sad she''s missing out - but better than being expected to do something she cannot afford, when she has so much debt she''s trying to climb out of.

 

[D2B]

Well, I hope if I ever have a daughter or DIL, she never turns into an inconsiderate prima donna like your bride, you meniton her otherwise sweet personality or such, man she is playing all of you, princess sydnrome to the hilt, girls like that make me made, and parents, FI and others who enable them, make me nearly as mad.

d2b

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I think you''re being had. She knows what she''s doing and she''s not sorry about it. You''re all like lambs walking in a neat and tidy line to the slaughter. Have fun on your trip, I hope it all works out and you have a fantastic time.

 

[lucyandroger]

Well that explains why she acts like this...because she CAN.

 

[blackbetty]

On reading the initial post, I felt it was as ridiculous as everyone else. When I planned my friend''s bachelorette, we were careful to arrange it so everyone she loved could be there. We did it in 3 parts, so ladies could join in at any time. We wanted to make sure even our broke friends could join us for at least part of it. She actually handled mine the same way for my bachelorette/birthday party. When I saw what wonderful things we were doing (everything was a surprise) I was really concerned they were spending too much! It never once crossed my mind that they hadn''t done a wonderful thing for me. Honestly, that same group could have spent all night in an Irish pub and I probably would have had the time of my life. Would I have loved to fly to Vegas? Sure, but that expense would be a lot for them and for me (because I''d never expect them to pay), and I knew that would leave a lot of people out. Did I feel like I missed out on anything? Not for a second.

If your friend is the person you think she is, find out what''s going on. If that is not normal for her, something''s up and you should try talking to her. You say this behavior was a shock to you, that you expected her to be more considerate, that you thought she''d foot some of her own expenses if you''re doing a destination thing...her reaction was the total opposite. She is neither paying back nor forward the consideration shown to her. Is this indicative that she''s gone through a personality transplant, or maybe that there''s something else that is going on that she''s reacting to?

 

[megumic]

Friends should never be a source of anxiety such as this and your bride clearly is only thinking of herself. Based on the amount of anguish this has already caused the bridal party, I cannot imagine enjoying the trip now...especially if it''s going to cause even a small bit of financial struggle for anyone involved.

Run for the hills while you can...