When you and SO have a fight...

[Erin]

Is it okay to call his Mom (or other family member) to get perspective on justifying your actions?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:36:57 AM
Author:Starset Princess
Is it okay to call his Mom (or other family member) to get perspective on justifying your actions?

No. Sorry.

 

[Lauren8211]

Bah! I don''t know your relationship with her, but normally I''d say a big resounding NO!

I find it is in everyone''s best interest to NOT complain to those who are super close to you about your SO.

It will always bite you in the @$$.

Plus, I like to keep fights with FF between me and FF. No one else needs to hear it. Except PS.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:36:57 AM
Author:Starset Princess
Is it okay to call his Mom (or other family member) to get perspective on justifying your actions?

Most certainly not!

 

[Erin]

Cause my future SIL called my Mom last night. I would be more po''ed that my bf called my Mom than anything we were fighting about.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:43:27 AM
Author: Starset Princess
Cause my future SIL called my Mom last night. I would be more po''ed that my bf called my Mom than anything we were fighting about.

Signals immaturity to me. You don''t need mom to referee your relationship.

And ditto.. I''d be seriously PO''ed!

 

[Bia]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:40:43 AM
Author: elledizzy5
Bah! I don''t know your relationship with her, but normally I''d say a big resounding NO!

I find it is in everyone''s best interest to NOT complain to those who are super close to you about your SO.

It will always bite you in the @$$.

Plus, I like to keep fights with FF between me and FF. No one else needs to hear it. Except PS.

Yup. This is a big NO-NO!

Sometimes I will confide in my FMIL (or my FI will with my mom) about little things because she can tell when we have had a fight--usually when we go over for dinner after we''ve just had it out, as it is hard not to notice that I am giving him the evil eye--BUT NEVER anything major. I see this all the time with my family and my FI''s family. One spouse will do something pretty awful and the other will do a tell-all and then they wonder why no one likes anyone.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Nope. You should keep fights etc between you and FI.

 

[Erin]

My Mom''s response was "I am not sure why she told me - I think she may have been upset with herself."

 

[Shoopy]

OMG NO

My FI and I are very big on not embarrassing the other. There have been times when his mom will ask me a question about our relationship and even if I have to lie, I will because it''s none of her business and I don''t want to embarrass him.

 

[tlh]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:36:57 AM
Author:Starset Princess
Is it okay to call his Mom (or other family member) to get perspective on justifying your actions?

why would his mom justify YOUR actions. Mom will always take their children''s side... 100% of the time. It is UNFAIR to ask anything else or to put mom in a position where she wouldn''t.

It is nice that you think you have a good relationship w the mom that you feel comfortable doing this... that is GREAT that your relationship is soo good... but I just don''t think that is appropriate.

I just think if you are looking to justify your actions... it is because you secretly know what you did was wrong.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 3/23/2009 11:12:33 AM
Author: tlh

Date: 3/23/2009 10:36:57 AM
Author:Starset Princess
Is it okay to call his Mom (or other family member) to get perspective on justifying your actions?

why would his mom justify YOUR actions. Mom will always take their children''s side... 100% of the time. It is UNFAIR to ask anything else or to put mom in a position where she wouldn''t.

It is nice that you think you have a good relationship w the mom that you feel comfortable doing this... that is GREAT that your relationship is soo good... but I just don''t think that is appropriate.

I just think if you are looking to justify your actions... it is because you secretly know what you did was wrong.

TLH, it was her future SIL, not her who did it.

 

[Still_Waiting]

As everyone else has said, she was definitely off-base talking to your mom. I just can''t even imagine doing something like that to my SO. I agree, keep your fights to yourselves. No one else (related) needs to know the details. Venting to friends is completely another thing though!

 

[decodelighted]

Thank goodness it wasn''t *you* who wanted to do this. OY! It didn''t sound like you at all. Anyway -- it seems extremely childlike & manipulative & potentially brown-nosy. (If she was trying to kiss-up & bend your Mom''s opinion to her side before your brother told his side of things).

I''ve never discussed a fight between DH & I with *MY* parents, much less *HIS*

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/23/2009 10:36:57 AM
Author:Starset Princess
Is it okay to call his Mom (or other family member) to get perspective on justifying your actions?

i would never do it. it depends on how close you are with his mom. but would you really want her knowing what you all fight about?

having read that your sil in call call you mom, well thats just weird. why is she involved? i would confide in my sister, but she would never call E''s parents..

 

[Erin]

Deco
I''m actually really glad you didn''t think it was me. Your opinion means a lot to me!

 

[Erin]

Date: 3/23/2009 11:36:26 AM
Author: jcarlylew

Date: 3/23/2009 10:36:57 AM
Author:Starset Princess
Is it okay to call his Mom (or other family member) to get perspective on justifying your actions?

i would never do it. it depends on how close you are with his mom. but would you really want her knowing what you all fight about?

having read that your sil in call call you mom, well thats just weird. why is she involved? i would confide in my sister, but she would never call E''s parents..

My brother and his fiance had a fight and she called our Mom about it. Unfortunately my Mom loves to give advice so she didn''t think it was that weird. My Mom should have been a counselor of some sort...

 

[laughwithme]

No, I don''t think so. I think an argument is between ME and HIM. I don''t want other people''s opinions or input because they weren''t present and things aren''t taken in context - additionally, they are likely hearing a one-sided story and thus can''t be objective.

Nope, let''s keep it between us and do this on our own. We''re not 3 years old.

 

[sba771]

NEVER (although she would probably agree with me). You never want to give in-laws anything bad on you! That is my golden rule. No matter how badly I may want to call my mom, I also would never want my FI to look bad in her eyes and vice versa.

 

[Bia]

Date: 3/23/2009 11:12:33 AM
Author: tlh
why would his mom justify YOUR actions. Mom will always take their children''s side... 100% of the time. It is UNFAIR to ask anything else or to put mom in a position where she wouldn''t.

It is nice that you think you have a good relationship w the mom that you feel comfortable doing this... that is GREAT that your relationship is soo good... but I just don''t think that is appropriate.

I just think if you are looking to justify your actions... it is because you secretly know what you did was wrong.

I don''t think this is necessarily true.

When my FI and I were younger, we broke up. His mother never automatically took his side (my mother didn''t do this either) and she still doesn''t, whether it''s bad or good. Yea, her love for him is unconditional and whatever he decided she would support, because she ultimately wants him to be happy. BUT she didn''t take his side just "because." In fact, she helped him see where he might have been better off doing something differently. And it helped him even more.

I agree that airing dirty laundry with family (parents or whatever) is not smart because their opinions are often biased, but, if you have a good relationship with your in-laws, there is nothing wrong with sharing personal stuff, as long as it stays within the realms of what is appropriate. It really depends on your relationship with them.

And believe me, let''s not get it twisted, I know my FMIL loves me, but her son is her son. If he and I fight about something and I try to get her involved in an attempt to get her on my side and win her affection...well that''s just stupid. Only a fool would fall for that.

 

[Bia]

Date: 3/23/2009 1:11:49 PM
Author: sba771
NEVER (although she would probably agree with me). You never want to give in-laws anything bad on you! That is my golden rule. No matter how badly I may want to call my mom, I also would never want my FI to look bad in her eyes and vice versa.

I agree with this 100%

 

[somegirl932]

i will sometimes talk to SO''s SIL about our relationship, but never his mom.

he''s definitely not close to his SIL at all, but she''s been dating/engaged/married to his older brother for 7 years now, and in a lot of ways they''re a lot alike.

i don''t give specifics though, generally just ask for general advice or whatever.

 

[babygirl]

Haha, yikes, that''s an interesting battle tactic!

As you know, definitely not okay. The only reason I can think someone would do that is if they are a-immature, and b-don''t have a good relationship with their own mother and are seeking one out with their FMIL.

My SIL is constantly giving me too much information about my brother.. how he''s bothering her or is crap around the house- that sort of thing. I''m always like, ummm... well, he''s my brother, so don''t look to me for agreement... and you married him!! haha, i = big jerk!!

 

[bee*]

I don''t think that''s right at all. I would never talk to D''s parents about a fight we had. I don''t even tell my own parents if we have a row.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 3/23/2009 11:39:12 AM
Author: Starset Princess

Date: 3/23/2009 11:36:26 AM

Author: jcarlylew

Date: 3/23/2009 10:36:57 AM

Author:Starset Princess

Is it okay to call his Mom (or other family member) to get perspective on justifying your actions?

i would never do it. it depends on how close you are with his mom. but would you really want her knowing what you all fight about?


having read that your sil in call call you mom, well thats just weird. why is she involved? i would confide in my sister, but she would never call E''s parents..

My brother and his fiance had a fight and she called our Mom about it. Unfortunately my Mom loves to give advice so she didn''t think it was that weird. My Mom should have been a counselor of some sort...

okay, now i get it. well honestly its between your fsil and your brother. while personally i would not call E''s parents unless it was a life threatening situation, that is just me. I would ask her for advice, but thats about it. i agree with everyone else though. i would not want to make E look bad in his parents, or mine, eyes.

 

[CNOS128]

Date: 3/23/2009 1:19:14 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 3/23/2009 11:12:33 AM

Author: tlh

why would his mom justify YOUR actions. Mom will always take their children''s side... 100% of the time. It is UNFAIR to ask anything else or to put mom in a position where she wouldn''t.


It is nice that you think you have a good relationship w the mom that you feel comfortable doing this... that is GREAT that your relationship is soo good... but I just don''t think that is appropriate.


I just think if you are looking to justify your actions... it is because you secretly know what you did was wrong.

I don''t think this is necessarily true.


When my FI and I were younger, we broke up. His mother never automatically took his side (my mother didn''t do this either) and she still doesn''t, whether it''s bad or good. Yea, her love for him is unconditional and whatever he decided she would support, because she ultimately wants him to be happy. BUT she didn''t take his side just ''because.'' In fact, she helped him see where he might have been better off doing something differently. And it helped him even more.


I agree that airing dirty laundry with family (parents or whatever) is not smart because their opinions are often biased, but, if you have a good relationship with your in-laws, there is nothing wrong with sharing personal stuff, as long as it stays within the realms of what is appropriate. It really depends on your relationship with them.


And believe me, let''s not get it twisted, I know my FMIL loves me, but her son is her son. If he and I fight about something and I try to get her involved in an attempt to get her on my side and win her affection...well that''s just stupid. Only a fool would fall for that.

OMG, Bia -- you are so lucky. My FMIL takes my fiance''s side on everything -- to the point of being totally ridiculous. When we moved and a couple months later we still had some stuff in boxes she actually asked me whose fault it was that there was still stuff in the boxes (which is an obnoxious, pointless question anyway). And when I told her it was 50% each of our faults, she responded, "Actually, it''s about 20% his fault, 80% yours. I''m his mother, and you can''t convince me otherwise). That was right after we got engaged, and it was the first thing she''d ever said to me that wasn''t perfectly nice.

But anyway, I''m straying too far off topic. It would never occur to me to call my FMIL when my fiance and I argued, because I know she would take his side, and probably try to convince me that I''d done something terrible to her baby boy. But if my fiance called my mother to complain about me, she would tell him that''s the kind of thing that he and I should discuss, and leave the mothers out of. I could conceive of someone calling the SO''s mother, depending on what the argument was about, but I think it''s ill-advised.

 

[Pandora II]

Bad idea to involve anyone who knows you in real life in your relationship ups and downs.

My sister and BIL have done this for the whole 10 years they have been together. Everytime I see my BIL all I can think of is what she has told me about him and I''m sure it colours how I behave towards him. I''ve never even bought the guy a birthday card as they always appear to be on the point of divorce.

I''ve also seen how stressed my parents get everytime one or other rings up about yet another row. We all wish they''d got divorced years ago - or at least never got married.

Once you have displayed weaknesses in your relationship to others, it will be thrown back at you at some point.

 

[janinegirly]

definitely weird and immature and crosses the line. She''s not family yet, and even then it''s crossing the line. Plus to call to talk about a fight with her son...it''s just wrong in so many ways! However if your mom was responsive and think it''s ok..she''ll keep doing it. Your SIL seems like a bit of a drama queen!!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 3/23/2009 11:12:33 AM
Author: tlh

Date: 3/23/2009 10:36:57 AM

Author:Starset Princess

Is it okay to call his Mom (or other family member) to get perspective on justifying your actions?

why would his mom justify YOUR actions. Mom will always take their children''s side... 100% of the time. It is UNFAIR to ask anything else or to put mom in a position where she wouldn''t.

Actually, this is not true. I know because my ex-MIL barely speaks to her son anymore, and has made it perfectly clear to him that she wants NOTHING to do with his paramour and her children. He screwed around, walked out on his family, and treated his kids as though they were non-existant. A VERY big no-no to his mom, who loves her grandchildren very much.

If you''re dating, or engaged, and do not have a 20-year history with FMIL, then it is indeed a big no-no.

 

[janinegirly]

winks: i agree, there could be some exceptions like if the couple was married for years, kids involved and maybe reaching out to the MIL serves as a last resort. But to do so as a finacee out of impulse...red flag alert!!