When should I ask her?

[klavigne]

So here''s my story:
I''ve been dating my girlfriend for almost two years. So I''m really happy and know she is the one for me. So I started to shop around before Christmas in hopes of asking her to marry me some time in early spring. Well, I got the ring and the plans were rolling along pretty smoothly. Until last night! My girlfriends brother just asked his GF to get married. They''ve been together for almost 8 years and he picks now to "pop" the question. So now I''m kind of torn. Do I follow through with my plans and risk offending anyone or do I hold off. And if I hold off how long should I wait. My GF absolutely loves her brothers gf and I wouldn''t want to "steal her thunder" so to speak. I''d hate for them to think I''m doing this just to jump on the band wagon. I talked to her father about my plans before any of this happened so at least he knows that I had this all planned before. I just don''t know what to do at this point. So what is the standard etiquette?

 

[SoonIHope]

Wow, your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine!!! My boyfriend and I had been discussing getting engaged, and he had already bought the setting (but not centerstone) when totally out of the blue, my brother called to announce he had just proposed to his girlfriend of 7 years!!!! I''m not sure if that had any relevance to when my fiance decided to propose to me, but we ended up getting engaged less than 2 months after they did. My parents already knew it was coming, so there wasn''t any "thunder stealing" aspect there, and my brother and his fiancee were really happy for us too. The only thing that I felt bad about is that my fiance got me a goooorgeous 1.08 ct diamond in a micropave setting, and my brother''s fiance (who is 5 years older than me) has a pearl ring. She helped design it and clearly adores the ring, but I don''t know if budget played a role in her getting a pearl or not, so I didn''t want to make her feel less happy about her ring. In the end, I don''t think that happened at all though, and everyone has just commented on how "it''s such an exciting time for your family" and things like that. Out of respect for them (sort of...and for other reasons), we are postponing our wedding to a year and half after our engagement, which will be 1 year after their wedding. So even though we got engaged right about the same time, our weddings will still be completely distinct celebrations. I''d be lying if I didn''t say I was a LITTLE annoyed that we can''t get married for a whole ''nother year, but I think it''s in everyone''s best interest (both my and my brother''s weddings will be at our family summer home) and I have totally come to terms with that for now. So my advice to you would be not to worry too much about the stealing of thunder side of things (b/c I worried a LOT and it totally wasn''t an issue at all), and just make sure your weddings are far enough apart/different enough that they don''t seem to be "competing" there either. In any case, good luck!!! Please keep us updated!

 

[klavigne]

Well at least I know I''m not the only one who has ever gone through this. I''m not so much worried about her brother and his gf, they are great friends of ours and we spend a lot of time together. I''m more worried about the rest of the families. Incidentally, our parents have been best friends for 30 years, which is how we know each other. After not seeing each other for six years while away at school when we reunited we just fell in love. My parents couldn''t be happier, they always looked at her like the daughter they never had so... Both sets of parents are very happy about us being together to say the least. Maybe I''m just freaking out over nothing. It just seems the timing couldn''t be worse for me right now. I just want to do the right thing and not step on anyones toes. Should I go ahead and ask her on the first day of spring like I have been planning or should I push it out a few more months? I really had my heart set on the first day of spring you know! AAAHHHHH!!!

 

[anchor31]

My thought is: Who cares? You have your plan and had it before this engagement, so it''s not like you "decided to steal their thunder..." If they get all huffy, just tell them you had your plan and didn''t wish to change it. I don''t see why you should change your plans just to make sure everyone''s happy... It''s your life and your future fiancée, after all!

 

[klavigne]

Thanks Anchor! Thats pretty much how I''ve been feeling. Except I don''t want any drama from the family over this. But here''s the newest twist to the story. My girls brothers girl (confused yet?) just asked her to be the MOH! She just called me to tell me and she is really excited to be helping with the planning etc.... So how do I go about this now. She''ll have two weddings to be involved in, is that too much for any one person to be expected to deal with? Plus I have a strange feeling I''m going to be asked to be the best man. I''ve always been really close to him since we are the same age and grew up together. I was thinking about maybe talking to the parents about this to see what they think. They have dinner ever Saturday together and I was thinking about just "popping in" and getting their feelings on this. But at the same time neither Mother is good at keeping secrets. I just don''t know, thats why I need advice on this.
I was so excited planning this all out and now it feels like the winds been sucked out of my sails. Maybe I should just put this idea on the back burner and let everyone get used to the idea of planning out the first wedding before springing a second one on them.

 

[SoonIHope]

Nooo, don''t put it off!!! From a woman''s point of view (not necessarily your girlfriend''s!) a LOT of us would ten BILLION times rather be engaged at a close friend/family member''s wedding than not!!!!! There''s a lot of unspoken (& spoken!) pressure at weddings, and I am VERY glad that I will have my ring on my finger at my brother''s and good friend''s weddings this summer.... It just makes it a lot less stressful wondering when your time will come, etc. That said, if you''re really worried about awkward timing with wedding involvement...just do what we''re doing and have a longer engagement so the weddings themselves don''t directly conflict! From what I can tell of your family situation, it sounds like everyone will be happy and excited for you two, so just let them be happy and don''t worry about any potential drama!!! My parents definitely think of it as being EXTRA exciting that both of their children got engaged so close together, and they still have tons of time to talk to each of us individually about our respective plans, so it really doesn''t diminish one or the other.

Basically, if you have your heart set on the first day of spring...PROPOSE ON THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING!!!!! I guarantee you the LAST thing that would ever occur to you when you propose is "I wish he''d waited a couple months!"!!!!!!

 

[JulieN]

Yeah, I never understand this business of stealing someone''s thunder. I mean, what if she died in a car accident tomorrow? Horrible thought, but surely you wish you had done it sooner, right?

 

[firebirdgold]

It really depends on the relationships involved. Given what you described, I think both her brother and his fi will be thrilled! And given how close the two girls sound, they would probably love to share wedding planning gossip. Also if she wants to marry you and has been thinking about it, she may be a bit wistful over all this wedding planning.
It sounds like both families will be happy about your engagement. Granted my mother keeps saying that she''s has nightmares about both her daughters getting married in the same year.

Oops, sorry mom.
Anyway, the point being... YES! Go for it! In this case it''s not stealing thunder, but the more the merrier. Since her father already knows, it won''t seem like a case of "me too!"

 

[Siamese Kitty]

Hi Klavigne-

I'm no expert on this, but if your girlfriend and her brother's gf (fiancee) get along really well, they may actually enjoy planning/discussing wedding plans together. It's always fun to have a female partner in crime on these things, and the fact she is the MOH, even better. Since it is a brother and sister getting married and not a sister and a sister, I think there would be less competition on wedding plans, not to mention less financial strain on the parents (that is, IF they follow the tradition that the bride's family pays for the wedding, etc., which would HAVE to be tough with two daughters getting married at the same time.) If it were me, I'd definitely welcome the proposal sooner than later. All will be excited, no one will be envious, and since you brought this up prior to the bro's proposal, it doesn't look at all like "stealing thunder". Like I said, though, I'm no expert! Just my 2 cents. Best of luck to you though and congrats!!!

Wren-I must have been writing this at the same time! Great minds think alike, eh?

 

[klavigne]

Thanks everyone for the input. I feel better about this now. I hadn''t considered the fact that the two of them being so close might make it a really special time for both of them, the planning together, dress shopping, etc.... I guess a long engagement isn''t a bad thing at this point, it''ll be less stressful for my gf. I''m a little worried that planning two weddings might be a little overwhelming for her but I''m sure there will be lots of "helpful" input from her circle of friends. So the first day of spring it is! Thanks again everyone!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 2/22/2006 10:44:32 AM
Author: klavigne
Thanks everyone for the input. I feel better about this now. I hadn''t considered the fact that the two of them being so close might make it a really special time for both of them, the planning together, dress shopping, etc.... I guess a long engagement isn''t a bad thing at this point, it''ll be less stressful for my gf. I''m a little worried that planning two weddings might be a little overwhelming for her but I''m sure there will be lots of ''helpful'' input from her circle of friends. So the first day of spring it is! Thanks again everyone!

I noticed that you put a lot of emphasis on her planning the wedding... I may be reading this wrong, you probably are just concerned with her sanity, which is good

, but I just want to say that the best way to help out your future fiancée in all this is help her out for the planning!!! I don''t understand why some men don''t want to help out, it''s their day too!

That said, congrats! I''m glad your sticking to your plans.

 

[klavigne]

Thats a great point Anchor. I''m willing to help out as much as possible. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that little girls grow up dreaming about their wedding day and little boys grow up dreaming about their wedding night Seriously though, I think for men, our attention to detail isn''t as good as a woman''s. I''ll be happy with whatever she wants, as long as at the end of the day I can call her my wife, the specifics really don''t matter that much to me. Luckily I''m pretty well off and can afford (within reason) whatever plans she wants. But at the same time I really don''t care about flowers or table clothes. I know she''ll care about it way more than I will and I worry about the stress of planning two weddings. I''ll give her all the help/support she needs though, how much she wants my help will be another story!

 

[firebirdgold]

There''s this excellent book called "The Everything Groom Book, a survival guide for men!". I bought it for my bf last June, but jumped the gun a bit. So I''ve read it myself a few times and it''s really helpful. It includes what to expect, how much input you should give and when, dealing with her having wierd bouts of hysterics because the bridesmaid dresses won''t match whatever, and even how to deal with the mothers. I wish they''d write one for the brides.
I''m looking forward to giving it to my bf... hopefully sometime before this coming June!

 

[ladykemma]

something similar happened to us. My sister and I happened to schedule wedding dates within one week of each other. well, condensed stress but all worked out well!

 

[MiniMouse]

Klavigne, I''ve just read through your thread and it''s heart warming to hear such a lovely genuine guy talk so sincerely and lovingly about his future fiance and concern for other people and your families. Go ahead and propose on the first day of spring, please don''t wait, she will not thank you if you do. I''m sure it will be the best day of your girlfriend''s life so far (and yours when she says yes). She will have a ball going shopping with her brother''s fiance, it will be such an exciting time for the pair of them. It''s also good to hear you say you''ll help out where you can. You sound very sensitive towards the needs of your girlfriend which is very endearing, you are a real catch. CONGRATULATIONS and make sure you come back and tell us all about the proposal.

 

[klavigne]

Thank-you all so much for the support. Anyway, I managed to get an hour alone with her brother over the weekend. I told him about my plans and he couldn''t be happier for us. Apparently he was talking with his fiancée about how cool it would be if we got engaged during the same time as them so we could all make decisions together. I guess they could sense something was up.
After he knew how worried I was about this, he told me that he''d be more upset if I let something as stupid as that stop me from going through with my plans. All this worrying about upsetting them and it''s something they wanted all along. We''ll now I just feel stupid for worrying so much about it. So he told me he''d keep our talk secret and even offered to help with anything I need to help the plan go smoothly. So I told him how I was going to ask her in time square, he works a few blocks from there so he is going to be hiding somewhere around the corner and come running out taking pictures as I ask her. I''m going to meet him there next week to finalize exactly where and when this is all going to happen. So now I feel so much better about this and I''m really glad I told him about my plans and how I felt. Now I got a photographer for free to capture the moment forever, how cool is that!

 

[SoonIHope]

That''s great news!!! Plus now you get to post pictures of your proposal on PS for us!

Seriously though, so glad you feel better after your talk with him and that he''s so excited for you too! I can''t wait to hear your story!!!