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When is it OK to uninvite a relative?

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newbie124

Brilliant_Rock
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All right, so maybe I''m not really serious about doing this...umm...or maybe I am...

I''ll try to keep the story short...

Basically I have a cousin (let''s call her Cousin C) who has a reputation for inserting herself and her opinions into matters that do not concern her and does so in an annoying lecturing way. Usually the rest of us just ignore her, but well, this time she really stepped out of line.

Last week my aunt and other cousin (the one who''s officiating) were trying to figure out their travel plans. My mom rented a house for herself, me, FI, my sis and her bf, my grandma and my other BM for a couple nights before the wedding, after which we will be moving to rooms at our venue. We had also extended an offer for my officiating cousin to stay with us, but he wasn''t sure of his plans and then he told me he preferred to get his own hotel. Fine with us.

Well, then Cousin C''s mom calls and tells my mom that she should pay for my other cousin''s hotel b/c he''s not making a lot of money right now etc. This did not come from his own mother, but from another aunt.

A few days later, Cousin C randomly sends an email to me and my mom with "useful links" to wedding etiquette sites. She doesn''t actually say what this is specifically regarding, but writes "Obviously you don''t have to follow everything if you disagree, but at least this way you will know what the expectations are so that no one is offended."

Ummm...EXCUSE ME? Well, since I didn''t know what the heck she was referring to, I just tried to brush it off and wrote back along the lines of "Thanks, but I think we have everything handled. Appreciate the info, though."

My mom was more put off, though, and wrote my cousin back asking if there was something specific that she thought we should be doing differently. Cousin writes back asking my mom to not be offended, but that Newbie has chosen to "do things differently than most weddings of this grandeur." YES, she actually said GRANDEUR.

First off, our wedding is nowhere near Platinum. We are choosing to do some nice things, but we also significantly cut our guest list to be able to do that. My cousin is really frugal and her wedding last year was on a pretty small budget and at the time she even said she didn''t really even care about the details, she just wanted people to show up.

After her email to my mom, I was fed up and wrote back asking if anyone had specific issues, that they let me know instead of beating around the bush. Not to mention that these things didn''t even relate to Cousin C and have been worked out among the people actually involved.

After my email, Cousin C''s mom wrote everyone and said let''s let bygones be bygones. Everyone meant well and we probably should have just minded our own business. The rest of us were willing to let things go at that point, except Cousin C didn''t listen and wrote back to my mom and I listing her grievances that basically centered around assumptions she made that weren''t even true (of course, she didn''t know this b/c she wasn''t part of the discussions)....like saying how it was inconsiderate of us to want family members to stay at the expensive Harvest Inn and pay $250/night (totally not true...the only people staying there are my sis, my parents, FI and me, and that''s only b/c the venue includes 4 rooms), and how SHE left room in her budget to fly in her wedding party b/c she knew it might be hard for them and that it''s proper etiquette to provide accommodations for your wedding party and we should have done that for our other cousin especially when we were providing for everyone else (see my argument above).

This is the same cousin who has complained from Day 1 about pretty much every wedding decision we''ve made, from the location in Napa (friends who live half way around the country had absolutely no issues yet my cousin who''s w/in driving distance whined about the "inconvenience" and how hotels will cost a fortune--we managed to find hotels for $100/night), to it being on a Friday (no one else cares and in fact a lot of people LIKE that it''s a Friday and they have the weekend to sightsee), how "elaborate" it is (in her mind anyway)....on and on.

Oh, and she also complained that I didn''t ask her properly for restaurant recommendations for a family dinner, that I just forwarded her an email from my aunt. Not true and I have my emails to prove it...I asked her very nicely and casually 2 days before I even told my aunt about the dinner. But before her wedding, she sent a mass email to all the cousins saying "Btw, I''ll need some volunteers" and listed things like needing parking attendants and seaters, etc. No, she never asked us individually if we would mind helping, just sent the one email.

My mom made me promise not to respond, which would only escalate things. She said she would talk to Cousin C''s mom about it "at a later time." However, I can''t help but continue to be upset...especially thinking that we will be spending money to host her at our wedding when she''s made all these false accusations and insulted our hospitality.

Every time I think about it I just get fuming mad again. My other aunt told me just to ignore Cousin C as if her opinion isn''t even worth a response (which it isn''t) and no one cares what she thinks (we don''t). But the in justice of it all makes me so upset. Not to mention the irony of her lecturing us about etiquette when she was clearly out of line herself.

I know that not sending her an invitation would probably just make things worse and be stooping to her level...I probably won''t actually not invite her, but then the thought of having here around, and on our dime, also makes me want to puke.

My only consolation at this point is that if she comes, I''m seating her at a table w/ our crazy evangelical aunt, who my cousin doesn''t really like...
 

sunnyd

Ideal_Rock
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Nov 5, 2007
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7,353
Date: 2/10/2009 12:38:48 PM
Author:newbie124

My only consolation at this point is that if she comes, I''m seating her at a table w/ our crazy evangelical aunt, who my cousin doesn''t really like...
Holy moly! That is one crazy cousin. I don''t really have any great advice, but ((hugs)) and definitely seat her with the crazy aunt.
I wouldn''t even include her on any further communication. If she butts in again, ignore her (hard though it may be...). Hopefully she''ll get the hint.
 

courtney5638

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
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83
Hugs for all the stress you are going through. I would definitely just ignore her, as frustrating as it is.

~courtney

ps - can i borrow your aunt for my wedding? I have a few relatives I would like to sit her next to
hehe
 

JSM

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 17, 2008
Messages
802
The bottom line is that it isn''t her wedding - it''s YOURS. It''s your money, and you get to decide what to do with it. Don''t let her get to you.
I agree to just ignore her!
 

Winks_Elf

Brilliant_Rock
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1,674
I wouldn''t invite her, pure and simple. When guests are invited to a DW, they are expected to pay their own accommodations, or they don''t go. That''s the whole point of having a DW...less guests will come because of the travel!
 

newbie124

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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584
Thanks for the support, ladies. I know the best thing is to try to just ignore her, even if it is pretty hard...At least it''s good to know I''m not delusional in thinking that she acted rather inappropriately.

Winks_Elf, yes, that is exactly why we chose to have a DW (truth be told, most of our guests would be traveling from all over no matter where we had our wedding...and in fact, it probably would''ve ended up costing them more if we had chosen to stay in Chicago b/c hotels here are quite expensive).

And most of our guests are really excited about going to Napa and the Bay Area and have repeatedly told us so. We understand if someone cannot afford to come--we''re certainly not forcing anyone. In fact, I didn''t even mind that much when Cousin C''s brother decided to skip our wedding to attend his friend''s in NYC (which he found out about way after ours).
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
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4,511
It is your wedding, and she actually seems a little jealous... or maybe it is just me.
NOWHERE does it say ettiquete wise that you have to pay for people's accomodations. Where she got that is ridiculous, and if your cousin has hit hard times... he doesnt have to come. A lot of people have declined destination weddings due to lack of funds, it doesnt mean that they call up the couple and say will you pay our way? That is ridiculous. However, if you pay his way, it sets a precident, that you will also pay for any other guest... and that is misleading.
I would send her an email of photos. 1 photo of a pile of Hay, 1 photo of a HUGE nose, 1 photo of the letter E, 1 photo of a huge BUTT, and 1 photo of a door. Hey, nosey, butt out...haha it would just make me laugh!

Now, here is an example to answer your original question....
I sent out save the dates to my usher of my wedding, and his girlfriend of 2 years at the time. (She basically lived with him, and would see the invitation, and "and guest" would have been rude.) I put her name on the invite with his, even though, he cheated on her the entire time, and was planning on dumping her when he moved. She thought, she'd be moving with him... this is a very long story. But she knew he cheated, and chose to ignore the behavior. So, fast forward. He moves, dumps her. her name was on the STD and on the INVITE. He wants to bring the overlap girl to the wedding. Obviously DH and I were very close to him, he was an usher, so he was invited... and we allowed him to bring his new GF. To make things complicated... this girl (EX) THOUGHT she was my friend. Now, I am a REALLY honest person, and sometimes, my honesty can be a bit mean. In my feelings, we weren't EVER friends. Had they never dated, I never would have known her. He was my friend for YEARS before meeting her, and my DHs DECADS before. With a break this messy, you take sides, you can't really ride the fence. I obviously had his side, the entire time. So I just told her, "I'm sorry, but I don't do exes. Mine or my friends." For me this just makes things less complicated... less drama. Well, my BIL was roomies with a girl that became friends w/ her because she never knew my Usher before. So when we'd hang out w/ the BIL the ex would be around... to find out info about Usher. and ONLY to find out info about USHEr. She SCREAMED at me because she wanted to RSVP yes to my wedding... and I told her she was invited as Usher's date, and as they are no longer together, the invite would be removed... in essence I was uninviting her. Because could you imagine the drama of new girlfriend that did NOT know she was overlapping w/ the EX girlfriend? WOWZA, no thanks.
So yes, i uninvited a guest to our wedding. There was some heat... but no one in their right mind would expect to still receive an invitation... I can name a lot of situations where exes still want the invite, and yes, the ex is ALWAYS a girl.

So to answer your question... if she does something particularly heinous, you can.. uninvite her. But IMHO, she is just being what SHE THINKS is helpful... even though she's being a busy body. I don't feel that this warrants an diss. But if she does something really awful... like boil a bunny or something... yeah, you can definately ditch her from your guest list.

sorry it was long... I like examples sometimes...
 

Definitely. Maybe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 12, 2009
Messages
582
Sorry she is putting stress on your wedding. I don''t think I would uninvite her (if you already have) as it would cause family drama, probably more than it already has. To me that is not really worth it. Just let it be known to her that you will not be paying her accomadations or any part of her trip to the wedding. If she chooses to pay her way, keep her opinions to herself, and simply enjoy the wedding then let her come.

I guess it all really depends on how close you are to your/ her part of the family. If I had a destination wedding I would "invite" a majority of my family knowing they simply couldn''t afford to come and keep it at that. No hard feelings either way. :)
 

Lanie

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2008
Messages
1,793
From the sound of it, she would be miserable at your wedding since she has done nothing but complain about it. I bet she won''t come. If she does, you know where to sit her.

Good luck!
 

Winks_Elf

Brilliant_Rock
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I agree with tlh...she does sound very jealous.
 

honey22

Ideal_Rock
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Just uninvite her, stuff etiquitte - it''s your freakin wedding so why have people sharing in your special day when they treat you like this.
 

AmberGretchen

Ideal_Rock
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Jan 6, 2005
Messages
7,770
I dunno, I think uninviting might be a bit extreme, as you said, but it really depends on your relationship with her.

I think you have a golden opportunity here though - to rise above and be the bigger person. I know I''ve encountered A LOT of people like this in my own life, both professionally and personally. Are they a pain in the you-know-what? Yes they are. Are they completely inappropriate a lot of the time? Absolutely. But do you have any control over how they act? Not really.

So while I understand you are upset and think you have a right to be, I''d also try to put a little bit of a positive spin on this and look at it as an opportunity to practice "killing with kindness" - a skill we could all stand to master (I know I''m still working on it!).
 

Lulie

Shiny_Rock
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Jan 5, 2009
Messages
342
I''m sorry she''s insulting kind hospitality like that?
I''d keep minimal contact w/her until the wedding is over, placing her far away from your table sounds like a great idea, too bad she''s family

Your mom sounds like a wise lady, listen to her, delete all cousin''s emails if necessary, you don''t need extra stress, she''s def jelllllyyyyy
 

JulieN

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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13,329
you don''t uninvite her, just say that unfortunately, your family is not able to pay for her accommodations, and if she cannot attend, that you will miss her presence.
 

Hudson_Hawk

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Messages
10,541
I think not inviting her or uninviting her would be more trouble than it''s worth. I would just make it clear that you can''t cover her costs (or anyone else''s outside of your immediate family) and if she shows she shows, and if not oh well.
 

newbie124

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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tlh - Haha, LOVE that photos idea
But then again, my cousin can be so oblivious sometimes she may not even get it. I definitely think you had a very valid reason for uninviting your friend's ex. Those situations usually call for some recalculations. I don't really think I'll actually uninvite my cousin (or be able to get away with it anyway). My mom's side of the family is pretty close, even though we're not necessarily that close to Cousin C...she's the eldest of all of us "kids," which is probably why she usually thinks she can lecture us about stuff).

I also don't think she's necessarily jealous b/c she didn't even put that much thought into her own wedding. She probably does disagree/disapprove of what we're spending our money on only b/c she herself is frugal and likes to save money (I do too, but I also know how to plan a decent party). Regardless, as others have mentioned, what we do with our budget is our business. And some of the money is being spent so we don't have to make our relatives direct parking traffic, like she wanted us to do at her wedding.

Unfortunately she's already booked a hotel for her and her parents, so as far as I know, they're coming (she makes plenty of money and definitely doesn't need our help, although you wouldn't be able to tell sometimes the way she complains about the cost of everything). No, her complaints were apparently made on behalf of everyone else, even though no one asked her to speak for them nor did they even have any issues with our decisions.

She apparently even complained to my sister (who also lives in SF) about how I asked her to look up restaurants for us (WTF??). My god, it wasn't like I assigned her this task to take care of...all I did was say if she knew of any good restaurants, let us know. Does that really imply that I wanted her to go out and do all this research and look up different restaurants that she hasn't been to? And now she's making it out like she's gone out of her way to do us this HUGE favor.
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
12,111
I wouldn''t uninvite her but I would make it VERY clear that her helpful hints are not needed or wanted. And I would refrain from asking her a single thing about the wedding or even mentioning to her at all from here on out.
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
It is the HEIGHT OF RUDENESS is to tell another person when they breach etiquette.

What an unfortunate catch-22, isn''t it? She committed the ultimate faux pas by sending that email about following etiquette because you hadn''t asked for any feedback, but you could never tell her so without doing the same thing, yourself.

Ahhh, newbie, this situation is just a no-win. I would just kill her with kindness and stay as far away as possible until the wedding. You have wonderful things to look forward to, and she just sounds like a miserable wretch looking for her next victim. So sorry she''s a relative and you can''t just 86 her from your life!
 

newbie124

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Date: 2/10/2009 7:28:05 PM
Author: Haven
It is the HEIGHT OF RUDENESS is to tell another person when they breach etiquette.

What an unfortunate catch-22, isn''t it? She committed the ultimate faux pas by sending that email about following etiquette because you hadn''t asked for any feedback, but you could never tell her so without doing the same thing, yourself.

Ahhh, newbie, this situation is just a no-win. I would just kill her with kindness and stay as far away as possible until the wedding. You have wonderful things to look forward to, and she just sounds like a miserable wretch looking for her next victim. So sorry she''s a relative and you can''t just 86 her from your life!
Yes, it IS a catch-22! Well, I was thinking it over more, and I feel like I have the right to respond to her since her comments were directed towards me. But I think I can still do so and take the high road. This is the response I''ve drafted so far. There is a LOT of stuff in between the lines that I had to force myself to edit out, but I think overall it isn''t too bad...But I''ve learned that it always helps to get a second (or third, fourth, fifth...) opinion on these things, so what do you guys think?

"C, I''m sorry to hear that you feel this way, particularly as much of what you''ve assumed is not in fact true. You may have heard bits and pieces from other people and formed your own opinions, but that doesn''t mean that is the way things actually happened. In any case, these are not matters that you should be concerned about as they do not affect you.

As for us asking for your help, well, I assumed when you openly offered your assistance and when you emailed me several months ago that we should feel free to send things to your house if needed that you meant what you said without reservations. I''m sorry if we mistook your meaning. However, I just want to point out that I did not actually ask that you research restaurants for us. If you recall my email to you on 1/13, I merely said that I was thinking about having a dinner with family on Saturday and if you happened to know of any good restaurants, to let me know. It was not my intention to burden you with the task of planning the dinner. It wasn''t initially even going to be anything formal, which I said before, but apparently it has now turned that way. I appreciate the suggestions you''ve offered. I think we will be able to find a place and plan on our own from here."

I was REALLY tempted to add something about reiterating that we are not forcing anyone to do anything that is uncomfortable for them so if she would prefer to not attend, then we would understand...however, I forced myself to end it where I did above.

Thoughts?
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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10,280
I''m in the "slay her with kindness" camp and rise above it camp. Treat her as you would any other guest and ignore the rest. If she insists on offering advice, just tell her thanks, we have it all under control. Period.
 

honey22

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Messages
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I think the letter is fine. It puts her in her place without being rude. If she continues, toss her
 
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