when good comments/questions go bad

[Cehrabehra]

I was just reading AGBF''s reply in the "where are you from" thread by Phoenix and was thinking, I bet someone could get completely offended if you ask them where they were born. You never know - it seems innocent enough. We all know about the well intentioned funeral goer whose comments can comfort one person and infuriate another.

So I was curious - what things have you said or asked that have gotten responses way off what you would have expected?

I have two I can think of:

This past christmas my sister in law had a boyfriend over for the unwrapping and we were talking and I oh so casually said, "do you have any children?" his face turned red, he started to stammer. I thought it was a pretty basic "we just met 101" sort of question... but he was obviously flustered and I tried to back out of the question when he just blurted out that his ex girlfriend had just had a baby a week or a month ago - he''s not sure and she wants him to sign over custody and he''s not sure and boom this conversation was VERY deep very fast. Woah.

When my dh and I were newlyweds we were sitting in a restaurant for breakfast next to this adorable couple with wedding rings holding hands. They were very friendly and all smiles when we said we just got married. Then I asked, "So how long have you two been married?" and the woman turned red - the man started huffing and the woman said, "Well, that''s very personal now isn''t it?" and the man said, "I can''t believe how rude!" I was flabbergasted. My husband said maybe they were having an affair.

 

[radiantquest]

I know what you mean. Your story about the older couple reminded me of a old man that my husband and I met. We were celebrating our 1 year anniversary and we were having breakfast in this little cafe and it was the kind of place where you could be sitting right next to someone you do not even know. There was an old man sitting next to me and of course we were trying to be polite and the topic of marriage came up and then all of a sudden the old man started breaking up and studdering and crying and told us his wife of 40 some years just died the week before or something recent like that. Then he just got up and left. We were so heartbroken for him and I felt so bad not only for his loss, but for flaunting our new marriage in front of him.

 

[ChloeTheGreat]

I know what you mean.

I got in touch with an old friend from middle school (I''m now college-aged) on facebook and we were messaging for a while discussing what we had been up to all these years. I remembered that his mother had struggled with breast cancer and *thought* I remembered she had won the battle. So I asked "how is your mother?" and he said "oh, she died last summer."

DOH! ...sorry I said anything...

 

[Shoopy]

I asked a horrible, horrible question during my interview with my current job.

The woman, our former Sr. Director, was so inviting. She talked about the position but towards the end asked about Thanksgiving plans. When I told her I was going to see my family in Orlando and that I didn''t have family locally, she went on to discuss how she, her husband, and two children just moved to Miami from Texas. She said they were in Texas because they had just adopted their daughter, had to live there for a few months, and then moved to Miami once the adoption was finalized. This was all information that she gave me, I didn''t ask her anything.

The conversation got quiet so I asked something that you should never, ever, ever ask:

So what made you decide to adopt?

It was like diarrhea mouth. The words were coming out, I couldn''t stop it, I couldn''t take it back. I felt awful. She was awesome about it and went into her reason (she had TTC her son and had spent 6 years TTC for another).

That could have went a whole other direction because it was an extremely personal question that I had no business asking. To this day the story embarrasses the crap out of me. Turns out she''s very open and honest about her TTC journey and adoption story. But OMG talk about inappropriate questions.

 

[movie zombie]

many years ago i mentioned to a coworker i didn''t see frequently that i had heard he and his wife had had a baby and i asked how old said baby was.........and was told the baby had died. i still feel bad after all this time.

mz

 

[somethingshiny]

I wouldn''t say that my comments go "bad" but I definitely get more than I ask for. I must have a friendly demeanor because any time I''m near a stranger, they just seem to spill.

I had a dermatologist appt recently. While there, I told the lady I was pregnant (so she would know what I could/couldn''t have). She then told me that she had just MC''d. So, we ended up talking about MC and TTC.

I was in an elevator at a hospital and a woman said something about my hair. I said thank you and then she began to rant about her current stylist.

I was getting my hair cut and the stylist began to spill about a threesome she was asked to attend and how she had to end a friendship because of it.

It seems that anything I say provokes others'' diarrhea of the mouth!

 

[elrohwen]

One time it seemed like everyone in the office was pregnant at the same time. I said something about this to a co-worker as we were exiting a meeting (we had just seen one very pregnant woman at the meeting). So I said, "Seems like everyone is pregnant at once: "X, and Y, and Z are all pregnant!" Then the woman I''m talking to say that one of the three women had a miscarriage

I was actually glad it happened this way rather than me saying something to the girl who used to be pregnant - that would''ve been horrible.

 

[Elmorton]

Date: 2/22/2010 7:59:47 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I wouldn''t say that my comments go ''bad'' but I definitely get more than I ask for. I must have a friendly demeanor because any time I''m near a stranger, they just seem to spill.


I had a dermatologist appt recently. While there, I told the lady I was pregnant (so she would know what I could/couldn''t have). She then told me that she had just MC''d. So, we ended up talking about MC and TTC.


I was in an elevator at a hospital and a woman said something about my hair. I said thank you and then she began to rant about her current stylist.


I was getting my hair cut and the stylist began to spill about a threesome she was asked to attend and how she had to end a friendship because of it.


It seems that anything I say provokes others'' diarrhea of the mouth!

OMG, SS, this happens with me all the time, too! I was cracking up reading your post. DH is VERY creeped out by how people just tend to say too much around me. I think it''s because I share small bits of information in innocent conversation and I tend to be pretty talkative and inviting (or so I''d like to think, I suppose), so it puts people at ease...too much ease, unfortunately. It is interesting sometimes because I''m curious by nature and people will tell me about things I''ve always wondered but would never dare ask...but you get what you wish for in those situations, too.

 

[LGK]

Yeah, it''s just one of those things. You never know where mine fields can be. Unless you want to censor everything out of your mouth you just have to accept it happens sometimes and be polite when you accidentally insert foot into mouth.

My DH works with a lot of people who''ve known him since he was little, know his whole family etc. Unfortunately his mom stopped speaking to him a few years ago (he was the last person in his family who had contact with her.) And so a lot of people innocently ask "So how''s your mom?" And then DH has to decide if he wants to blurt out "I have no idea, she stopped returning my calls for no reason I can think of four years ago, you probably know better than I do" or something like that. Awkward, and happens every few weeks, and of course nobody has any reason to think they''re asking anything major.

After I had surgery for thyroid cancer I had stitches across my whole neck for a while. Some kid at my college told me I had a "cool choker" on. I wasn''t offended- it was kind of funny really- but he did feel terrible when he realized his mistake!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I asked an acquaintance when she was "due" and she told me she wasn''t exepcting--only "fat". (she used those words). No amount of apologizing could help that foot in mouth.

cheers--Sharon

 

[joflier]

I was just chatting a bit w/ a patient before I did her exam. She was probably in her early 60s.....Anyhow, I noticed she had the very pretty antique locket around her neck. Well, being the vintage jewelry lover that I am, I commented about it. She replied, "oh, yes, that''s where I keep my dead husband''s ashes."
Ok....not expecting that one. And how the heck do you respond to that????

 

[snowflakeluvr]

reverse diarrhea mouth...my daughter and i were at a boy band concert when she was much younger. we were all hootin'' and hollerin'' pre concert, up, out of our seats. LOTs of teeny boppers(and their moms), so this girl in front of us was friendly and it was hard to hear and my daughter had a metal appliance in her mouth, i think it was under her tongue(to keep her from sucking her thumb!) and the girl says, "that''s really cool-in your mouth" and my daughter is yelling LOUD, "ITTTS ANNNNN APPLLLIIIIANNNNCE" and the girl screams "WWHHHHAAAATTTT?" so my daughter has to scream even louder... we still laugh about it(and she''s 21 and guess what? when she''s super stressed-she STILL sucks her thumb) oh my

 

[charbie]

So I work a nursing home, and we had a resident coming in for just a short stay while his wife (and sole caregiver) went on a little getaway trip with friends. He had had a stroke and was confined to a wheelchair, and probably was about 20 yrs younger older than his wife. Mentally, he was all there, but had a lot of problems physically and couldn''t be left alone for very long.
I thought the woman who brought him in was his daughter, and said, ''im sure your daughter is having a great time, and she will be home soon to take care of you.''
He then informed me that it was his wife who was on the vacation, with her lover, and she was leaving him there.

 

[miraclesrule]

Ahahahaha, snowflake, that is hysterical. I sucked my thumb until I was at least 12, so I can relate to your daughter.

I would be answering this question forever, because I will talk to anyone, about anything, at anytime. It gets me in a lot of trouble. However, I find that if people don''t want to share information, they won''t. If one asks a question, one needs to be prepared for any answer.

It is in those situations that I have really learned how to appreciate a question to a question..such as "Why do you ask?" It''s a huge red warning light deflection question. It says to me that I might not want to go down that road. I''m so grateful for that question.

 

[radiantquest]

I have a funny story that snowflake reminded me of. The problem that I have is that in some situations the noise level gets a little bit louder and I have to speak up. Well this particular time we were talking about showers or soap or something and I was commenting about the mitt that I use. It is a little bear with a pink scarf. I was telling my friend about how my husband said that I need to put it in the washer because it was starting to stink. At the exact time I said "I sniffed my mitt and it doesnt stink." all the noise around me had stopped and that is what everyone around heard.

 

[jewelz617]

I pretty much make unintentionally inappropriate comments daily, but the worst was with this lady my parents knew. I hadn't seen her in a really long time and she had lost a lot of weight and looked great. Without thinking I said "Wow, you've lost so much weight, how did you do it?" and she just said "Uh, I was addicted to cocaine." I had no idea that she had recently left rehab.

WHOOPS!

Sometimes I feel like people almost look for reasons to get offended with anything you say, and I don't indulge that or have time for it.

 

[princesss]

Date: 2/23/2010 10:39:27 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I pretty much make unintentionally inappropriate comments daily, but the worst was with this lady my parents knew. I hadn''t seen her in a really long time and she had lost a lot of weight and looked great. Without thinking I said ''Wow, you''ve lost so much weight, how did you do it?'' and she just said ''Uh, I was addicted to cocaine.'' I had no idea that she had recently left rehab.

WHOOPS!

Sometimes I feel like people almost look for reasons to get offended with anything you say, and I don''t indulge that or have time for it.

OMG. I would have died!

I''m sure I''ve accidentally shoved my foot in my mouth (actually, I admit, I do it on a regular basis), but I can''t remember any particular response. I''ve had a few unexpected conversations (I was asking a teacher to write a recommendation for me, and he asked where I applied. When I told him the list, he got really excited about the school and said, "Oh, wow, XXXXXX is a great school! My ex wife went there!" Ummm...okay. I had no idea how to respond!), but nothing comes to mind that was reallllly out there.

 

[Porridge]

I was working in customer care for a large company just after college. A woman rang me up saying she was having trouble with her fridge. Here's how the conversation went:

Woman: My fridge is not cooling properly.
Me: Ok lets see what we can do about that. Do you have the model and serial number?
Woman: No, my husband died.

Um...ok...not to be insensitive...but did he take the numbers with him?? That one threw me for a loop. Anyway, once I'd composed myself and passed on my condolences etc, it turned out her husband (who had died about 8 years previously) had kept track of those sorts of things, and she wouldn't know where he would have kept them. I guess she felt a simple "my husband died" would suffice in imparting that information.
She didn't know the numbers were on a sticker inside the door of the fridge.

 

[Maisie]

I had to stop at a late night pharmacy for painkillers. It''s the type where you have to use a window as the main store is closed. This guy, must have been no older than 16 stepped in front of me and asked if they sell pregnancy tests. I gave him a withering look and muttered ''I hope she''s not'' and he heard me. He swung around and yelled ''what?''. I quickly recovered and said ''they do in the shop''.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 2/23/2010 11:13:52 AM
Author: Maisie
I had to stop at a late night pharmacy for painkillers. It's the type where you have to use a window as the main store is closed. This guy, must have been no older than 16 stepped in front of me and asked if they sell pregnancy tests. I gave him a withering look and muttered 'I hope she's not' and he heard me. He swung around and yelled 'what?'. I quickly recovered and said 'they do in the shop'.

Why the withering look and the comment though? Because he looked young? That's more intentionally rude than foot-in-mouth.

 

[Maisie]

If you read the sentence before the withering look you will see that he stepped in front of me at the window. That is the reason for the look. My comment about hoping she wasn't pregnant is because I don't like it when children have children. I thought aloud.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 2/23/2010 11:38:43 AM
Author: Maisie
If you read the sentence before the withering look you will see that he stepped in front of me at the window. My comment about hoping she wasn''t pregnant is because I don''t like it when children have children.

Well alrighty then...

 

[CasaBlanca]

Date: 2/23/2010 10:39:27 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I pretty much make unintentionally inappropriate comments daily, but the worst was with this lady my parents knew. I hadn''t seen her in a really long time and she had lost a lot of weight and looked great. Without thinking I said ''Wow, you''ve lost so much weight, how did you do it?'' and she just said ''Uh, I was addicted to cocaine.'' I had no idea that she had recently left rehab.


Oh my...I did the same thing! (not the rehab thing, the loose mouth thing...)

I said, "you look fabulous! And actually younger than you did in HS, How ever did you do it?"

"D-I-V-O-R-C-E", she said. Rather smugly she replied "You should try it!"

I should have apologized, ended it quick...like ripping off a bandaid.

But for SOME stupid reason ...I said, "OH! Does that come in a bottle?"

(I thought humor was the best recovery...to her "you should try it"), but I still left the conversation with my head down and shame.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 2/23/2010 11:40:21 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 2/23/2010 11:38:43 AM

Author: Maisie

If you read the sentence before the withering look you will see that he stepped in front of me at the window. My comment about hoping she wasn''t pregnant is because I don''t like it when children have children.

Well alrighty then...

I''m glad we cleared that up. I''m not intentionally rude to anyone. Of course you wouldn''t know that as you don''t know me.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 2/23/2010 11:49:43 AM
Author: Maisie

Date: 2/23/2010 11:40:21 AM

Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 2/23/2010 11:38:43 AM


Author: Maisie


If you read the sentence before the withering look you will see that he stepped in front of me at the window. My comment about hoping she wasn't pregnant is because I don't like it when children have children.

Well alrighty then...

I'm glad we cleared that up. I'm not intentionally rude to anyone. Of course you wouldn't know that as you don't know me.

Nope, I don't know you at all. And hopefully I'll never find myself in a drugstore line with you either, seeing as how my darling husband is the result of a teenage pregnancy.

I love the real-life connections in this thread topic!

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 2/23/2010 11:52:25 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678


Nope, I don''t know you at all. And hopefully I''ll never find myself in a drugstore line with you either, seeing as how my darling husband is the result of a teenage pregnancy.

I love the real-life connections in this thread topic!

This is a FUN thread...PLEASE don''t turn it into a fight. Maisie''s story had nothing to do with you and she certainly wasn''t referring to your teenage in-laws.

These are just funny stories to make the day pass...try not to take them personally.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 2/23/2010 11:52:25 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 2/23/2010 11:49:43 AM

Author: Maisie

Date: 2/23/2010 11:40:21 AM

Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 2/23/2010 11:38:43 AM

Author: Maisie

If you read the sentence before the withering look you will see that he stepped in front of me at the window. My comment about hoping she wasn''t pregnant is because I don''t like it when children have children.

Well alrighty then...

I''m glad we cleared that up. I''m not intentionally rude to anyone. Of course you wouldn''t know that as you don''t know me.

Nope, I don''t know you at all. And hopefully I''ll never find myself in a drugstore line with you either, seeing as how my darling husband is the result of a teenage pregnancy.

I love the real-life connections in this thread topic!

I''d like to say something here...Pink, it REALLY isn''t helpful when you take offense to so many things in threads that really have nothing to do with you. This is the third or fourth time I have seen it happen, and NO ONE is picking on you at all, so I don''t see the reason for the prickly attitude. Can''t we all just get along?

---------

Back on-topic, dear lord, I do things like this all the time. Except my problem is that I don''t realize I said something that was possibly offensive until WAY after the fact, and then I just feel like a jerk. I wish I had a filter between my mouth and brain...or maybe a time machine to go back and not say whatever stupid thing I just said.

 

[jewelz617]

Um, there's no fight... And yes, this is a fun thread. Delightful, even! MonkeyPie, I appreciate your observation of me, like I said before if I have something to observe I make it known it has nothing to do with me thinking people are talking about me. Maybe it's my foot-in-mouthitis. Who knows.

 

[somethingshiny]

I thought of another spilling episode. I was at work one day and helping an elderly lady with her glasses. As she was sitting at the counter she smiled at me and asked if I wanted to hear a story. Thinking I was going to hear how her last pair of glasses broke, I said yes. For the next 30-40 minutes she relayed the tale of how she and her late husband fell in love on an oceanliner similar to the Titanic. She told about how the ship looked, how it felt to be on it, all the dances and the little things. It was so sweet. She got teary eyed and thanked me for letting her share her story because she missed her husband so much. By the end of the visit, half the office was gathered around the woman and most of us were teary eyed too.

She died within the year and I couldn''t help but be happy for her, thinking of her dancing with her husband again.

That''s the thing when people spill to you. You take lots of stories with you and they take the memories with them. So, it''s better to be nice than to be rude.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 2/23/2010 12:06:53 PM
Author: somethingshiny
I thought of another spilling episode. I was at work one day and helping an elderly lady with her glasses. As she was sitting at the counter she smiled at me and asked if I wanted to hear a story. Thinking I was going to hear how her last pair of glasses broke, I said yes. For the next 30-40 minutes she relayed the tale of how she and her late husband fell in love on an oceanliner similar to the Titanic. She told about how the ship looked, how it felt to be on it, all the dances and the little things. It was so sweet. She got teary eyed and thanked me for letting her share her story because she missed her husband so much. By the end of the visit, half the office was gathered around the woman and most of us were teary eyed too.

She died within the year and I couldn''t help but be happy for her, thinking of her dancing with her husband again.

That''s the thing when people spill to you. You take lots of stories with you and they take the memories with them. So, it''s better to be nice than to be rude.

Oh that is so SWEET. I would have loved that!