When do you cut the cord?

[tlh]

Based off of the college thread, a couple interesting points were made... and I was wondering when you felt that the parents should allow their children to go off on their own....

When they go to college/military?
When they turn 18, 21, 25?
When they get married?

What are your thoughts???

I have been thinking about this a lot as my in-laws have children in their 30's still relying on their folks to bail them out (house payments, car payments, they've lined them up w/ contacts for the best jobs- etc)... and yet my sister in law has been emancipated since she was 18 - and has done quite well for herself. In fact she is far more successful that the brother in laws that grew up travelling the world and whose parents still have trust funds for them...

What are your thoughts?

 

[Erin]

My sister just received her license plate sticker in the mail - courtesy of my parents - who also pay her car payment, car insurance, cell phone bill, doctors and dentist appointments, prescription medication... I'm sure there's more. Oh yeah, and she's been living with me since last January for a flat $200 a month. No bills. She's just one of those people who's been bailed out so many times, I don't know, she's lost perspective that her screw ups affect other people. She's 29.

I asked my parents for money a few times when I was in college (all student loans) {oh yeah, my parents paid for her school, too} but nothing since then. Although my Mom can be generous with the "Oh I saw this sweater at the store a couple weeks ago. Thought it would look good on you. See if it fits, I still have the receipt." Voila! New sweater

 

[waxing lyrical]

I was off on my own at 18 when my husband and I married. My husband joined the military and was off on his own at 18.

I guess it would depend on what plans our kids have, whether college/school or military. We would encourage them to go to school or get a job. We definitely wouldn''t kick them out once they turn 18. We don''t want them to be dependent on us after a certain point.

DH''s step sister is 27 and is still dependent on her parents and grandparents. It''s pretty sad that the only time she visits them is when she needs to do her laundry or is in need of money or a babysitter.

 

[JulieN]

In my parents' culture, you leave the house when you get married.

In some cultures, if you're a woman, you leave the house when you get married. If you're a man, you stay in your parents' house.

"cutting the cord" just means different things in different cultures.

 

[purrfectpear]

I pulled all financial support at 18. My rule was college or a job if you want to live at home. My son passed on college and eventually blew off his job. He started trying to use home as a crash pad and had some pretty unsavory friends. I gave him 2 weeks to get another job. He was "homeless" by week 2 (he thought I was bluffing). I knew he''d end up going over to his fraternal grandmothers house, so he was not really homeless. I was hoping he''d either look for another job, or join the Air Force (which he did). Sometimes tough love is the only way to make them accept adult responsibility. No freeloaders at my house

Now that he has his act together I wouldn''t hesitate to help him out with money if he needed it. I just didn''t want to raise a self entitled mooch.

 

[Lulie]

I have no plans to ever cut the cord, we have two children, their job now is to be respectful and finish college, their conception/college was planned ahead. If 'they'
decide to leave home at 18 for college or stay in the State @ home so be it.
I left home the day of my wedding at 21, did well in school and always worked, not
the perfect child, but no major problems, always enjoyed traveling and did as much as
I could b-e-f-o-r-e kids came along.
We hope they do similar or better, but willing to respect their 'ways'.
IMHO parents shouldn't talk about trust funds, etc bc it's not their money {yet} .02

 

[steph72276]

Well, I don't know if there is a certain number. I just feel like it is my job as a parent to raise a child that becomes independent and then I don't think there will be an issue. My child will work for (at least part of) a his first car. He will not be given one when he turns 16 like a right that most kids feel now. He will work at least during the summers at college and through all of this, I hope he will become responsible with his finances. Of course, if he is responsible and something major happens and he needs our help, I can't say we would turn him away. I would always help if I could if the circumstances call for it.

 

[JSM]

I''m the eldest of four - I''m by far the most independent and head strong of the bunch. My parents didn''t like me so much growing up because I pushed all their buttons, but now I am the only one who lives on their own and pays all their own bills (not applicable to my sister in high school!).

We were all raised the same way, and sometimes kids will be who they are regardless of how you raise them.

My brother, though I love him, needs the cord cut BADLY. He has a lot to learn in how to run a household and it won''t happen until he leaves the nest.

With my kids they will be able to live at home rent free after 18 if they are in college. Otherwise, I hope I will have taught them enough to live on their own responsibly. Children should WANT to move away from their parents and start their own lives!

 

[Kaleigh]

My brother left at 16, moved to NYC and made it on his own, still floored he was able to do that.

For my kids it will be once they graduate from college. DD will be a senior in college next year, she's doing very well with jobs and internships, so won't have to worry about her.

DS will be going to college next year, he's a hard worker and is very focussed.

BUT I will always be here if they need help. But will not allow for any slacking. But they aren't slackers...

ETA: They each have a fund that will help in putting the down payment on their first homes. We did that ages ago when my gandparents gave me their house. I sold it, took some money for us and the rest went into a fund for the kids.

 

[Bliss]

Hmmm... I think it depends on the culture and the family. A lot of my friends'' parents paid the down payment for their homes or gifted them outright each with a home. My parents paid for college and all grad school with expenses, but that''s because they were generous and wanted to do so. They put half down on my car as a college graduation present. And I am sure when we have a baby, they will be generous as well and want to contribute for their education & etc. We would never ask or depend on it, however. It''s just a nice thing that they really want to do.

I wouldn''t call it "cutting the cord" because we are so well beyond financially independent. I would call it their generosity because they like to do this for the kids. I think we will do the same. Hopefully if we are as blessed later in life, I would like to help with the down payment on my children''s first homes, too. But that''s different from being "bailed" out.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

My parents gave my older sister a cushion period after college graduation. She lived at home for two months, while working full time. She was SO ready to get out of there haha! They just wanted her to be able to save up for an apartment and were comfortable with her living there as long as she was working and saving money. They have bailed her out once when her car had thousands of dollars of work done on it, but that''s it. I think they may have helped her out with a few thing for the first few months, but within six after graduating, she was completely on her own.

I actually asked my parents to stop giving me an allowance. Some of that had to do with arguments over how to spend money. They pay for my college, car payments, health insurance, and I live in a house they own for free. But I pay all groceries, gas, medical bills, vet bills, etc. Although I am nowhere near being financially independent, it feels nice to know that when I spend money that it is MY OWN.

 

[Elmorton]

Well, since I''m at the front end of the helicopter generation, I think that this is a question that doesn''t have much of a clear answer - I think it depends on the parents, the individual child, and the family dynamic. I have some friends that are taking their time through life and growing up and definitely still need the parents'' support. My BIL will be 22 this year and lives at home; SIL was 23 when she moved out. Both are/were taking a little longer with school though and living at home helps with expenses. DH was told that he had 6 mos of living at home after graduating college before his parents would charge rent. He was offered a job in a couple months after grad, so it never came to that, but since his brother tends to be drawing out the college experience, who knows...

My own parents have never actually cut the cord. Rather, we''ve just worked together gradually to fizzle it out. I went straight from undergrad (fully supported by parents) to grad school so my parents were still helping me out while I was in school and then a month after I finished school, I got married. I think my parents were really concerned about the idea of completely cutting me off because I was already going through major life changes, unemployed, used to a certain way of living, and they didn''t want the enormity of all these things to put undue stress on my marriage. Once I got on my feet (DH and I soon moved away, also), the support they gave dwindled off dramatically. My parents still offer DH and me a ton of help, but now in the form of loans or gifts for specific things. But even that has been starting to become less frequent, because I know DH is uncomfortable accepting so much from them, and both my parents and I respect that.

So - I think that for some families, it may be very natural to "cut off" at 18, 22, or what not. But for my family and me, it wasn''t a very realistic idea. DH and I talk all the time about how strange it is that in our families, we''re the first generation to not "move up" in terms of projected income, and I think the middle class is full of people in their mid-20''s just like DH and me (hey, that''s what happens when you''re told to "live your dreams" from the time you''re a toddler). I think because parents are tuned into this (that their kids have had a much higher quality of living and absolutely no means to do anything but mount up debt in order to stay afloat), we see parents sticking around much, much longer than in previous generations.

All this said - I really hope that one of the byproducts of the recession is that young people learn to maker smarter economic decisions, live within realistic means, and become more independent, so that more young adults are actually able to depend less (if at all) on their parents.

 

[somethingshiny]

My parents have a 19 year old at home. She''s the oldest out of 4 of us still living with our parents. My bro and I were both out at 18, another sis was out at 17. We were all kicked out on our butts. Parents stopped buying clothes for us in grade school and junior high. When we moved to a state that required payment for public school, we paid for that too. They did put a roof over our heads and feed us, though. Most of the time we even had electricity and sometimes a phone!

 

[Haven]

I think sometimes it's a cultural thing. In my culture, the kids stay home until their married, but that is definitely not the norm where we live. I lived at home for several years after college while I attended graduate school, and I'm grateful that my parents allowed me to do so.
However, they were not paying for any of my bills, I purchased groceries for the house, and bought my own car, paid all my own insurance, etc. I also always had a full-time job (and often several part-time jobs) or I was a full-time grad student.

I have a good friend who is Greek and her family is the same way as mine.

I think there's a difference between a child living with their parents because their culture values family staying together, and a child using mom and dad's home as a landing pad and an excuse to put off earning a living and supporting herself.

 

[kcoursolle]

Other than xmas and bday gifts, I haven''t received a dime of $ or financial support from my parents once I started college. However, did have some financial help from a different relative who helped with college expenses. I wanted to be financially independent as soon as possible, but I was very grateful for the college help of my relative. I think it''s a little over the top to help children with finances after they are done with college. However, if the child has a steady job and is responsible and wants to own a house or get married, I don''t see anything wrong with offering a low interest loan to help with a down payment or something along those lines.

 

[Dancing Fire]

i told our daughters don''t expect a lot of inheritance money from mommy and daddy,cuz we had already spent so much money on them. we bought each of them a car, pay for their college, buy them jewelry,clothes,etc,etc...i paid their CC every month

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think that as many here have directly or indirectly mentioned, the intentions and values and culture all play a big part of it.

Most of us seem to agree that using mom and dad as a source of money/support simply because you are too lazy to figure it out for yourself is not a good policy. But many here received help from their parents during college and even grad school, with the understanding that they are working hard towards goals that their parents tacitly support and therefore their parents will support them as well.

I have basically been on my own since I graduated college (with DH of course, BF at the time), but my mom is still very generous with gifts, clothing, makeup, etc...and I''m grateful for that. Would she be that way if I weren''t working my butt off in grad school and trying my hardest to live up to my potential and maker her proud? Probably not. But since I am, and she values that very highly, she chooses to demonstrate that by spoiling me a little bit materially, and I am very appreciative that she does so, though I fully recognize it as being non-essential and know that if I had to, I could support myself entirely.

 

[anchor31]

I''m asking myself that question right now. My grad school applications are costing me quite a lot (around 500$) and my parents offered to pay for it. I got married last August and it was understood that I was on my own then, so I''m not sure what to do. I''m very grateful for their support, especially since DH''s job security is very precarious right now and I don''t make much right now; I just don''t want to start expecting them to pitch in every time something unexpected comes up, you know?

 

[musey]

Date: 1/12/2009 4:51:01 PM
Author:tlh
Based off of the college thread, a couple interesting points were made... and I was wondering when you felt that the parents should allow their children to go off on their own....

Allow, or force?

 

[musey]

Hmm, I wrote a huge response and then thought better of it

Anyway, to answer the question, I really don't think there's a hard and fast rule. How you deal with it should depend on:

The kid and their needs, whether they need to be pushed by being cut off
Your financial comfort - obviously if helping/supporting your kids is too large a financial strain, you have to figure something out at some point

 

[purselover]

hmmm, for me I guess the financial cord was cut after college, throughout college my tuition was paid for as well as my credit card bill. I got a 3 month grace period after graduation where they still paid my credit card bill before I had to take over. Now almost 2 years later they still do pay my cell phone bill actually, and give me some money and goodies on a pretty regular basis, but I must say I never ask for anything, they just like to help out their kids.