What would you do?

[Irishgrrrl]

I have an odd situation:

My Dad and my Stepmom live quite a distance away from us, in another state. DH and I typically visit them once per year, for a week at a time, and we have always stayed at their house. They have a three-bedroom home, and one room is set up as a guest room specifically for that purpose. In fact, they often refer to it as "our" room (meaning mine and DH''s). Although my parents divorced when I was very young, and I lived primarily with my Mom, I have always had my own room at my Dad and Stepmom''s house, and my own bathroom as well, so space has never been an issue. They have both always encouraged me to consider their house to be my home, too.

However, the last time we visited, my Stepmom seemed less than thrilled to have us around. She didn''t say a whole lot to us while we were there, and she didn''t say goodbye when we left. Keep in mind, she and my Dad have been married since I was VERY small, and I love this woman dearly . . . she really is like a second mother to me, although we are not quite as close as my Mom and I are. DH and I send her flowers every year for Mother''s Day, as well as her birthday, because she really is a big part of our family.

Since she seemed a little "cool" the last time we visited, we''re seriously considering staying at a hotel the next time we visit. But, I don''t want to hurt her or my Dad''s feelings, or make them feel uncomfortable. What would you do if you were us?

Harriet''s recent house guest issues brought this up in my mind, and I was wondering what you all think? Thanks!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Can you just ask her if you did something to offend her? Maybe she doesn''t realize she is giving off a negative vibe.

 

[Skippy123]

Well maybe something is going on with your MIL and it may not be you but in any case I would just rent a hotel room and see how that goes.

 

[Harriet]

Can you talk to your Dad? Her frostiness may not have had anything to do with you. Maybe she was having a bad week?

 

[Kaleigh]

I think you should ask her what''s wrong. It may have nothing to do with you. But best to find out. She''s been a part of your life for a long time, so you should be able to call her and have an open and honest chat.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Tacori ~ I think asking if we did something to offend her would offend her. She''s a really nice person, but a little sensitive sometimes, and I don''t want to rock the boat if that makes any sense. I wish we could just ask her! I''ve been tempted to in the past, but I always stop myself because I just don''t think it would go very well.

Skippy ~ I think we''re leaning toward staying in a hotel next time, or maybe visiting for less than a week. But, I''m afraid they would think it''s weird that we''re suddenly not staying with them.

Harriet ~ We already talked to my Dad, and he seems to think it was just an isolated thing. Like you said, she was having a bad week. But, DH is really bothered by this, and he feels like we''re not very welcome.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 7/14/2008 3:33:10 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I think you should ask her what''s wrong. It may have nothing to do with you. But best to find out. She''s been a part of your life for a long time, so you should be able to call her and have an open and honest chat.

Kaleigh, I tend to agree. I really don''t want to just start staying in a hotel out of the blue without discussing it with her first. I would be afraid that would upset her. Maybe this is what I''ll do, although I won''t be looking forward to having this conversation!

 

[Miranda]

Maybe you could call her and ask if everything is allright. Tell her that she seemed tense last time you were visiting and that you are concerned about her. I think she''d appreciate the gesture.

 

[CJ2008]

Irish, I agree that you should ask her directly. It sounds as if you have a loving/nice relationship with her - check in with her and ask her if everything is OK, that she seemed a little down last time you guys were there. I may not use the word tense if she''s sensitive...down/sad seems more neutral...

 

[MonkeyPie]

I''m with Miranda - don''t let one tense trip make you not want to stay with them ever again. It would make you feel really silly if it ended up that she was just having a bad week and didn''t know she was taking it out on you. Since Dad seems to think it was an isolated incident, just go ahead and stay at the house. If the problem starts again, talk to her about it while you''re still there with her. Even if you don''t want to "rock the boat", it would be really unfair for her to be upset with you all the time for no reason, and you deserve an explanation.

 

[Independent Gal]

I agree with the Kaleigh about just asking her what''s wrong. maybe you could do it by saying "Are you sure it''s convenient for you if we stay there this year? Because we wouldn''t mind staying in a hotel. I only ask because you seemed a little tense last time and I wasn''t sure if maybe the visiting was getting a little hard on you."

Something like that.

By the way, I feel your pain. Things started out great with my latest step-mom, and the last time I went to visit my dad, she sent me to stay with a neighbor. I wish I was making this up! I arrived with DH and she said ''X & Y have offered their daughter''s room for you. I thought you would have more privacy that way.''

Uh, OK.

I had never even MET those neighbors. Very bizarre. Not sure what I did to deserve that, but it has definitely put a kink in our relationship.

By the way, I fully intend to take my own advice and broach the subject with her. But I just need to deal with all the more pressing cr@p in my life first.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Everyone, thanks for all your suggestions!

Independent Gal, I''m sorry your step-mom did that to you! Very weird and very rude!!!

I think I will talk to her sometime before our next visit, and see if it''s still OK for us to stay with them. If not, that''s no problem . . . there are plenty of hotels in their city!

 

[somehowcollide]

Irish, you seem to have come to terms with the way you wanted to handle this already, so I apologize if I offering my opinions too late in the game.

In any event, I would probably plan a shorter trip this time and stay with your father and stepmother. If you find that she is still inhospitable or not her usual self, you''ll at least be out of there in a day or two. I personally hate confrontation, and know how sensitive family relationships can be; I would be apprehensive to approach her myself. I also think that suddenly choosing to stay at hotel with send up some red-flags, and if there is an issue it will only aggravate the situation more.

Finally, there is a good possibility that your father has already shared your concerns with her. Give it one more shot and see if it really was an isolated situation or if it is something deeper.

As always, do keep us up to date!

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Somehowcollide~

Thanks for your input! I''m like you in that I hate confrontation, and try to avoid it at all costs! LOL! I think the idea of planning a shorter trip next time is a good one . . . DH and I had considered visiting them on our way to somewhere else, so we would only wind up staying with them for a couple days instead of a whole week. Maybe we''ll try that first, and if things are still weird, then I''ll talk to her. I can certainly understand getting sick of having houseguests, and maybe that''s all it was.