What would you do in this friend situation?

[elrohwen]

I have known a girl, we''ll call her Amy, for 10 years or so. We were best friends in 8th grade, but after she was kind of a jerk to me we drifted apart (we went to different high schools, so that wasn''t hard to do). I found out she was going to the same college as me (in the same major) and I was pretty bummed ... she had been kind of a toxic friend. Through college we were more or less friends; I don''t think we were mean to each other, at least I wasn''t mean to her, but Amy''s frenemy side came out a number of times. By the end of college I was so happy to get away from her (and so were some of our classmates, so it''s not just our relationship that''s screwy, but lots of her friendships).

Anyway, Amy recently sent me a long email telling me that she wanted to get in touch and wrote a long thing about how she''s doing and asked how I am. My question is, what do I say? I can''t ignore the email because that would be rude. Sending a 2 sentence response would also be rude. But I''m worried that if I write a polite email detailing my life and asking her more questions, she''ll think that I''m glad to have her back in my life.

What would you do? What can I write back that''s not rude, but doesn''t lead her to think I want to revive our toxic friendship? Right now I''m leaning towards writing back what she''s expecting (a short update on my life) and just cross my fingers that she doesn''t feel the need to keep up the emailing. Haha.

 

[coatimundi_org]

Write her and tell her what you've been up to, and don't ask her any questions. (If you feel you must write her at all)

 

[bee*]

Date: 1/4/2009 4:29:46 PM
Author: coatimundi
Write her and tell her what you''ve been up to, and don''t ask her any questions. (If you feel you must write her at all)

That''s what I was going to write. Just let her know how your life is going but don''t go too deep into it and don''t ask her anything.

 

[aliceinwonderland]

That is a really tough one to answer! Does she know for sure that that is your email? Could you just pretend that you didn't get it or do you have mutal friends that she would know you still know that you use the same email address that you did back in the day.

If you can't pretend you didnt get it maybe just stick to the basic facts and don't ask any questions back so that there is no 'need' for her to reply back. I'm sure there is something somebody will come up with that will be a polite closing line that will make it clear that you don't want to correspond/ renew the friendship.

Alice

ETA: I was apparently posting at the same time as everybody!

 

[elrohwen]

Good call ladies! I was thinking of that, because asking questions invites further emails.

 

[April20]

Not a easy situation! I''ll be honest, I don''t know if I would respond if someone I didn''t want to continue a friendship with emailed me and told me directly that they wanted to get back in touch. I almost feel that by responding, I''d be indicating that I was willing to re-establish a friendship.

That being said, I think that if you do decide to respond, you should keep the update you give her very top level. Not too much detail and in a tone that while isn''t rude, doesn''t invite her back into your life. Easier said than done!

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 1/4/2009 4:32:05 PM
Author: aliceinwonderland
That is a really tough one to answer! Does she know for sure that that is your email? Could you just pretend that you didn''t get it or do you have mutal friends that she would know you still know that you use the same email address that you did back in the day.

If you can''t pretend you didnt get it maybe just stick to the basic facts and don''t ask any questions back so that there is no ''need'' for her to reply back. I''m sure there is something somebody will come up with that will be a polite closing line that will make it clear that you don''t want to correspond/ renew the friendship.

Alice

ETA: I was apparently posting at the same time as everybody!

Unfortunately she knows it''s my main email address. She does have some contact with a few of our old college friends who work with her (including occasional contact with my best friend) so she probably checked out the email first.

I think it''s also listed in the contact lists that our major sends out.

Thanks for the advice! I am leaning towards not asking any questions and hoping she gets the point.

It''s so ironic that she sent this email because I was just talking to a mutual friend of ours who tried to get in touch with her numerous times while they were home for Christmas. "Amy" never returned the calls or showed up to the get together and our mutual friend was telling me how she was kind of p*ssed that she went to the effort and Amy didn''t even respond. Now, just a few weeks after that, Amy decides to send me an email out of nowhere saying that she wants to keep in touch with more people. Well, maybe keeping in touch with her best friends from high school (the group this mutual friend of ours belongs to) would be a good start

 

[steph72276]

I was going to suggest just a brief email telling her what you have been up to. Who knows, maybe she has grown up a bit now?

 

[Gullfoss]

I honestly would choose not to respond. I have come to realise that sometime it''s not worth it to welcome people like that back into your life even through the tiniest window. Even though time has gone by doesn''t mean she has changed.

I had something similar happen a few years ago and I wish the fremeny and I had not gotten back in touch. It''s now been 3 years since we last spoke and it''s probably for the best that we will never speak again.

 

[CJ2008]

el, to be honest with you I do not see anything about this friend that is worth worrying about or being rude to.

I'm not even sure this was ever a "true" friendship - somebody who can turn on you isn't a true friend. People make mistakes, but like you said, this person is toxic, which goes way beyond that. I think that when people are negative and toxic, you don't want to do anything to encourage communication.

If you are really concerned about appearing rude (which I don't see here, honestly), respond, but I would purposely keep the email very short, to the point, and like someone else said with very superficial "details".

 

[AmberGretchen]

I agree with CJ2008, and would also add to the others'' comments that if you feel compelled to respond, I''d emphasize how very busy you are, how much is going on in your life, that you just don''t have much spare time at all. Hopefully this will help to get the message across.

 

[Maisie]

I wouldn''t respond. I had a ''friend'' like that all the way up till I was 21. We met when we were 10. She is the worst friend ever. Sarcastic and mean for no reason. I put up with her because I knew she had a difficult upbringing. Problem was, she didn''t change once she moved out of home. She seems to enjoy being nasty. I couldn''t live with it.

She tries to contact me every year or two. I politely answer her emails but that leads to more and more contact, then a big falling out later on.

Now I just ignore her. I panic when I go to our local supermarket incase I bump into her.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I wouldn''t respond to her. She''s been rude to you for years and YOU have to break the cycle. If you keep up contact with her and yet are not happy about her behavior, who is to blame at that point? You''re asking for the abuse (IMO). Sorry to be blunt, but I never understand why people will put up with crap from people when they do not have to.

 

[Steel]

Ignore it.

Spend time practising your surprised face and one liner: "Darn my SPAM filter. Sorry, sometimes e-mails do not get though to me." Then as a kicker I would add "Was it important?" to which she will say no, just catching up and you can say "Well, nice talking to you, take care" and rush off.

 

[aliceinwonderland]

Date: 1/4/2009 5:27:35 PM
Author: Steel
Ignore it.

Spend time practising your surprised face and one liner: ''Darn my SPAM filter. Sorry, sometimes e-mails do not get though to me.'' Then as a kicker I would add ''Was it important?'' to which she will say no, just catching up and you can say ''Well, nice talking to you, take care'' and rush off.

I like this one b/c it lets you get out of it with grace as it sounds like she is not somebody that is a positive influence for you at all!!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/4/2009 5:27:35 PM
Author: Steel
Ignore it.

Spend time practising your surprised face and one liner: ''Darn my SPAM filter. Sorry, sometimes e-mails do not get though to me.'' Then as a kicker I would add ''Was it important?'' to which she will say no, just catching up and you can say ''Well, nice talking to you, take care'' and rush off.

Ditto!

 

[marcy]

I wouldn''t respond.

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 1/4/2009 4:23:09 PM
Author:elrohwen
I have known a girl, we''ll call her Amy, for 10 years or so. We were best friends in 8th grade, but after she was kind of a jerk to me we drifted apart (we went to different high schools, so that wasn''t hard to do). I found out she was going to the same college as me (in the same major) and I was pretty bummed ... she had been kind of a toxic friend. Through college we were more or less friends; I don''t think we were mean to each other, at least I wasn''t mean to her, but Amy''s frenemy side came out a number of times. By the end of college I was so happy to get away from her (and so were some of our classmates, so it''s not just our relationship that''s screwy, but lots of her friendships).

Anyway, Amy recently sent me a long email telling me that she wanted to get in touch and wrote a long thing about how she''s doing and asked how I am. My question is, what do I say? I can''t ignore the email because that would be rude. Sending a 2 sentence response would also be rude. But I''m worried that if I write a polite email detailing my life and asking her more questions, she''ll think that I''m glad to have her back in my life.

What would you do? What can I write back that''s not rude, but doesn''t lead her to think I want to revive our toxic friendship? Right now I''m leaning towards writing back what she''s expecting (a short update on my life) and just cross my fingers that she doesn''t feel the need to keep up the emailing. Haha.

So after 10 years, this is what she has contributed to the "friendship"? No wonder you''re not to crazy about hearing from her! I''ve had these types of "friends" before, and they brought nothing but drama and self-absorption. Eventually, I had to cut them off from my life. I just had to accept the fact that we had nothing in common and it was time to move on.

If you don''t cut her off now, this is what the next 10 years will be like. Unless she has truly changed and grew a sincere appreciation of you, I''d stay away from her.

And don''t feel bad if you don''t respond to her. She will get the hint eventually.

Wishing you the best!

 

[NOYFB]

Date: 1/4/2009 5:27:35 PM
Author: Steel
Ignore it.


Spend time practising your surprised face and one liner: ''Darn my SPAM filter. Sorry, sometimes e-mails do not get though to me.'' Then as a kicker I would add ''Was it important?'' to which she will say no, just catching up and you can say ''Well, nice talking to you, take care'' and rush off.

This is what I would do. Good call, Steel!

I see no reason for you to have to respond to her attempts to rekindle a toxic friendship if it''s making you uneasy.

 

[Haven]

I wouldn''t respond, either.

If you feel you must write something in response, you could write:

____________________
Dear Frenemy,

I''m glad to hear you''re doing well, thank you for updating me.

Take care,

Notinterestedinbeingyourfriend
____________________

It''s not mean, per se, but it certainly isn''t an invitation for more communication.

 

[beau13]

I would put her on "ignore mode"..been there, done that. Life's too short for "toxic" relationships. Be around those who support you, make you smile, feel good about yourself..etc. For every old friend I "broke up" with..along came two more new friends, who were much more positive, and healthier to be around! I certainly don't miss them! It's like an ex-boyfriend..he's your ex for a reason!!

 

[rockzilla]

Here''s my business-minded perspective. She was in your major, which means you are likely to cross paths in the future, and it can''t hurt to have her in your network. You don''t have to be best friends with her, but it''s not as if she is an abusive ex-boyfriend who will come beat down your door.

I''d respond briefly and politely. I think "threes" are almost always the best way to go -- think of three things that have happened in your life this past year that you don''t mind sharing with her. Can be anything. Then, you email would go something like this:

Hi Amy,

Thanks for the email, glad to hear from you and happy that you''re doing well. I''ve had a really great but busy year, between getting a new job, redecorating our apartment and adding to my collection of antique nose-hair trimmers. [insert your specific accomplishments here] I''m really busy until the end of January [pick arbitary time period here, not too far but not too soon either] but maybe we could meet up for coffee some time after that.

Best,
Elro

Given that I don''t even end up meeting with people I absolutely WANT to and MEAN to half the time, when you run into her a year later, you can always go, "oh...I can''t believe we never got together! we''re just both so busy and I''m so successful that we just don''t have time!"

 

[elrohwen]

Thanks again everyone for your responses! Fortunately, I probably won''t ever run into her (she lives across the country from me and while we were in the same major, we''re not in the same field). Despite that, I still feel rude not responding

I know I probably shouldn''t, but I think it can''t hurt to say a few words in response to her email. If she sends another one, I can either not respond to that or make that one more obvious.

She is a toxic friend, but I''m sure I''ll never have to spend time with her in person again, so sending a brief email can''t hurt. Despite her being annoying, I guess I feel bad ignoring someone that stuck their neck out by emailing. I''ll give it a week or so though so that it doesn''t look like I''m too eager (which I''m not ... haha). I like Rockzilla''s idea of writing three quick things. I think that will get my point across.

Thanks again guys for all of the helpful responses!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I would pretend that you never got it. I got a message on myspace from one of those toxic friends and I never responded. I also never heard from that person again.

No communication is the best option at this point.

 

[tlh]

I am a really talkative person. My friends know that... so when I dont want to respond... they get a 3 sentance LIMIT email. That is what I am putting on you. A three Sentance LIMIT! no comas, semi-colons... NOTHIN''.

If it is a TOXIC friendship... then run. You did your best to disolve that years ago. Let it go. Dont harbor any ill feelings... but sometimes an I''m sorry just cannot undo the wrongs of yesterday. Dont hold a grudge... it only hurts YOU... but using your words.. TOXIC friendship... sounds like a taker friend. Meaning, they take more from you emotionally and never give back anything in return. UNHEALTHY.

1) Three sentance limit
2) wait to respond a minimum of 2-3 weeks

That will make it believeable that you are really busy... and she''ll take the hint. Sounds mean... but I''ve had to space myself away from a few of those. Good Luck!

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I would say something along the lines of "I am fine. I hope you are the same. Have a great life." That would show her that you''re gracious enough to reply and that you''re finished with her.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I would leave it alone.

People that tend to be toxic also tend to stay that way. She is who she is, don''t waste your time validating it even more.

 

[newsboysgrl777]

Okay, this is my take on it..and it's probably nothing that you'll want to hear or do...LOL! But, I'm going to say it nonetheless.

First I have a question: how long (how many years or whatever) has it been since you and she spoke/saw each other/etc? I ask this because the longer the time since then, the better for what I would do...

I realize you don't want to create drama or shoot yourself in the foot/burn a bridge or whatever else, but I firmly believe in HONESTY whether you're a friend, enemy, OR FRENEMY (I LOVE that term..had never heard it before!!). I also think it is the only FAIR thing to do...because this other person probably has no idea how you really feel about her and I personally would be more humiliated to know that someone actually disliked me greatly but still spoke to me and acted as if things were fine, than if they just out and out told me how they felt about me! Then I could move on...and so could you!!

Really, I would reply to her honestly and just let her know how you viewed the friendship you had with her in the past and that you really think it would be best for you both if you didn't try to get back in touch again. You don't have to go out of your way to insult her or make her feel bad and you could (probably should) keep it brief. You'll come across as the jerk, but really, who cares?! If this person is as poisonous as she sounds, then nothing will make her see things in the light that they truly are. OR, you may actually cause her to open her eyes to herself and her actions!! But how is anyone to know they're doing something wrong if no one tells them? (Granted, this is a huge generalization, as we have a conscience and sense of awareness for a reason, but you know what I mean? If she never knew you were hurt, how would she know she was the one that hurt you??!)

HERE'S MY SUGGESTION...take it or leave it

Hi Amy,

It sounds like things are really going well for you and I think that's great. Things are going well on my end; thanks for asking. However, I'd like to be honest with you about your suggestion.

I have to say that, looking back, I really don't feel our relationship was a very healthy thing for either of us and perhaps I'm to blame for that, but I just feel it would be best if we didn't try to resurrect our friendship. Please know that I wish you all the best in life and hope things continue to go well for you. However, I'm at a much different point in my life than when we last spoke/saw one another and I just feel it would be best for both of us if we left our acquaintance with one another in the past.

Please accept my sincerest apologies if I've hurt your feelings, as it wasn't my intention in the least.

Best of luck to you,

XYZ

 

[got2goldens]

Date: 1/5/2009 9:30:27 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
I would say something along the lines of ''I am fine. I hope you are the same. Have a great life.'' That would show her that you''re gracious enough to reply and that you''re finished with her.

I like this one. You''re being nice by responding, but ADIOS...

Kat

 

[Bia]

I'd delete her. I have enough toxic relatives in my life, I don't need toxic friends.

If you truly can't bring yourself to delete her, then write her a "hello, how are you" email but write it in a way that she'll know you're not that interested in a rekindling that relationship.

Good luck sweetie...

ETA: Take some of those ideas given and get on with x-ing her out of your life.