What Were the Deal BREAKERS?

[iLander]

A box of Valtrex sitting on his bathroom countertop.

That'll do it...

Yep, that was an immediate bolt out the door. Totally relieved because I had just gotten nekkie, then saw the box. Um, no.

Raise your hand if you had to run to Google to find out what Valtrex is.



It's apparently a herpes medication . . .

And, yeah, ewwwwww!

 

[Snicklefritz]

When in the span of a year he went from being a non-practicing Christian to a non-practicing Muslim to a fundamentalist Muslim, stated he was no longer willing to go along with our agreement for how we would raise our future children, and started following the rules of the Quran to the letter.

We'd agreed to raise our children both Christian and Muslim with the plan to let them choose when they reached adolescence. During the last month of our relationship - when he started watching proselytizing YouTube videos - he decided he wanted them to be raised strictly Muslim, and simultaneously started following the rules of Quran. I don't begrudge him finding/returning to Islam, I begrudge that he did it in such a twisted and hurtful way (there's a lot more backstory), and subsequently destroyed my vision of the future I so wanted. So I left him.

Beyond this, he lied to me about his name early on in our relationship - which was a denial based lie that pertains to his ethnicity. He originally comes from Jordan, and thinks that Middle Eastern people have issues. I think he's got issues.

This was my most recent relationship, and 2nd broken engagement. And, of course, I'm glad I found this all out before the wedding. Still hurts though.

Thanks for starting this thread! I wasn't sure how else to bring this up.

 

[iLander]

Snicklefritz: As you can see from this thread, everyone has gone through similar things, so no need for

 

[Snicklefritz]

Snicklefritz: As you can see from this thread, everyone has gone through similar things, so no need for

Thanks for the supportive reminder, iLander

 

[Rhea]

Not believing me or thinking I'd change my mind. I said I didn't want children and wouldn't change my name all through out our 2 year relationship. We were babysitting for his sister and it came out that he just thought I'd change my mind. That was a blow out argument. I still continued with the relationship, and when I left to study abroad a couple of month later I just let it fade out. I later heard from my father that his boyfriend had asked my father if he thought it was a good idea to "let" me go study abroad. My father was not impressed.

Most were just boring or too christian (I grew up in the South) so I moved on. I had a couple that were too clingy. Nothing really stands out except the above.

 

[erinl]

When I was younger I had an open attitude towards dates. So I went on a date with a guy whom I had a feeling would not end up being the love of my life. The date confirmed it.

First, he told me that he wanted to marry a Jewish girl ( I am not Jewish) but he didn't like how they looked, so he wanted to marry a non-Jewish woman and convert her.

He told me that the bottle of wine he had picked was expensive ( I think it was mid 20s range) and that when we went out again, he expected me to put out if he spent that much on wine again.

Told me he was still in love with this girl he had lost his virginity with--he had been 15, she had been 13 (he was in his late 20s at the time). He proceeded to go into extreme details about the deflowering process and about how she was messed up, had been abused etc.

Told me he used Rogaine, and that it made his hair dry. Did I have any suggestions on what conditioners/products he should use to combat the dryness (I am incredibly sensitive about balding, but in this context the oversharing on a first date was just icing!)

We went to a movie after that, as we were walking in, he obviously leaned in and looked at my butt and then " I am looking at what I am seeing and liking what I am seeing"

Took his shoes off in the theater, put them on the chair in front of him and proceeded to pass out for the whole movie.

When he called me for another date I used the religion card to decline any further dates. I didn't think any other explanation would go well with this guy!

 

[missy]

When I was younger I had an open attitude towards dates. So I went on a date with a guy whom I had a feeling would not end up being the love of my life. The date confirmed it.

First, he told me that he wanted to marry a Jewish girl ( I am not Jewish) but he didn't like how they looked, so he wanted to marry a non-Jewish woman and convert her.

He told me that the bottle of wine he had picked was expensive ( I think it was mid 20s range) and that when we went out again, he expected me to put out if he spent that much on wine again.

Told me he was still in love with this girl he had lost his virginity with--he had been 15, she had been 13 (he was in his late 20s at the time). He proceeded to go into extreme details about the deflowering process and about how she was messed up, had been abused etc.

Told me he used Rogaine, and that it made his hair dry. Did I have any suggestions on what conditioners/products he should use to combat the dryness (I am incredibly sensitive about balding, but in this context the oversharing on a first date was just icing!)

We went to a movie after that, as we were walking in, he obviously leaned in and looked at my butt and then " I am looking at what I am seeing and liking what I am seeing"

Took his shoes off in the theater, put them on the chair in front of him and proceeded to pass out for the whole movie.

When he called me for another date I used the religion card to decline any further dates. I didn't think any other explanation would go well with this guy!

Erini, I have one question for you- why did you proceed with the full date? OMG, this guy is creepy!!! LOL what a nutcase!

 

[erinl]

Missy--

it was a dozen years or so ago. I don't think I had the ability to speak up for myself like I do now. And in writing it looks a lot creeper than it was. I never felt in danger and the guy was so ridiculous I think I wanted to see what happened next!

 

[iLander]

Erini-

Makes you wonder if these creepers actually find someone to marry, doesn't it?

 

[FrekeChild]

An overabundance of religion. Also, conservatives. And pushovers. Also, stupidity.

I'm a pretty strong personality, if you couldn't tell!

 

[Phoenix]

I have a long list, applying to both ex-BF's and girlfriends. I have "broken up" with BF's and friends on quite a few occassions, and have no hesitation in doing so again if I need to!

So these are the people whom I've broken up with and corresponding reasons:

First of is clinginess - I do not like this *at all*, not in ex-BF's or just (girl)friends in general, just.cannot.stand it. I do not like it when people bombard me with several emails, several text messages, on top of phone calls - in any ONE day!! Why do these ppl expect me to be with them all.the.bl**dy.time?!! Seriously?!! I have other things to do and other people to see, ya'know!!

People who have no respect for other people or for themselves, and are totally inconsiderate of others' feelings. Seriously, where do they come off thinking they can do the outrageous things that they do and get away with it, and showing absolutely no remorse?! And they continue to do it over and over again, even though it is sooo wrong and they KNOW it!!

People who are so self-centred that they think the whole world revolves around them. All they can talk about is themselves and (almost) everything they do is for their own benefit.

I do not suffer fools and perhaps am not overly tolerant. I get irked by people who are not terribly hmmm...intelligent. I know I know it sounds really mean saying this and seeing it written down is even worse, but I just cannot stand ppl who are generally ignorant and who can't even string a simple sentence together. People who are babblermouths and so indiscreet who insist they must share the most lurid details of their lives/ what they've been up to, even though they know very well you CANNOT stand to hear these details!

People who are disloyal and who do not stand by you in your most difficult times.

Ok, rant over!!

ETA: We should start a thread on why we're with our S.O. and about the positive traits in the most important people in our lives, be they our S.O., our best friends, our mentors etc...

 

[rainydaze]

When I was younger I had an open attitude towards dates. So I went on a date with a guy whom I had a feeling would not end up being the love of my life. The date confirmed it.

First, he told me that he wanted to marry a Jewish girl ( I am not Jewish) but he didn't like how they looked, so he wanted to marry a non-Jewish woman and convert her.

He told me that the bottle of wine he had picked was expensive ( I think it was mid 20s range) and that when we went out again, he expected me to put out if he spent that much on wine again.

Told me he was still in love with this girl he had lost his virginity with--he had been 15, she had been 13 (he was in his late 20s at the time). He proceeded to go into extreme details about the deflowering process and about how she was messed up, had been abused etc.

Told me he used Rogaine, and that it made his hair dry. Did I have any suggestions on what conditioners/products he should use to combat the dryness (I am incredibly sensitive about balding, but in this context the oversharing on a first date was just icing!)

We went to a movie after that, as we were walking in, he obviously leaned in and looked at my butt and then " I am looking at what I am seeing and liking what I am seeing"

Took his shoes off in the theater, put them on the chair in front of him and proceeded to pass out for the whole movie.

When he called me for another date I used the religion card to decline any further dates. I didn't think any other explanation would go well with this guy!

and... and... What a nut job!!

 

[iLander]

An overabundance of religion. Also, conservatives. And pushovers. Also, stupidity.

I'm a pretty strong personality, if you couldn't tell!

No, I couldn't tell at all!

I tease you . . .

 

[atp223]

I once had a bf who refused to brush his teeth before going to sleep, because "brushing your teeth twice a day is a false campaign promulgated by dentists in order to increase the sale of toothpaste." He *would* brush them in the morning, but flat out refused to at night and no amount of pleading on my part could change his mind. I'm not a dental hygiene nut at all, and definitely skip brushing on late nights occasionally, but for some reason I was really grossed out by his consistent refusal to brush his teeth at night! There were other issues in the relationship, so this is not the ONLY reason why I broke up with him, but it really did a number on the level of my attraction to him.

A less snarky thing that kills me is cheapness. While I'm all about girls being treated equally, and always would insistently (not half-heartedly) offer to outright pay or at least split the bill on dates, it was always disingenuous in that I would get extremely annoyed if a guy would actually let me during the first few dates. I don't mind spending money on dinner, generally, but for some reason it would really bother me if I was actually taken up on my offer to pay during the early stages (post early stages, I've always split everything 50-50 either by taking turns or splitting the bill). I can't explain it. I can only acknowledge that I am a disingenuous hypocrite.

SIMILARLY - while we are on the topic of being disingenuous...I would love to hear other people's opinions on this. When we (my fiance and I) have people over (for a more formal event; not just like a few people hanging out) and they ask what they can bring, I usually say "oh don't worry about it!" I feel rude telling people to bring something. But MOST people will still bring something. I was raised to never show up to anyone's house empty-handed; they probably were too. So it always surprises me when some people come with nothing (it's only happened a handful of times). But my fiance says that if you explicitly tell them not to bring something, they are off the hook in terms of it being bad etiquette, since they are just doing what you said. Would love to know if other people run into this issue...

 

[innerkitten]

Kids and marriege. In my early 20s I didn't really have any deal breakers. I was just happy in love. But as i got to be about 27 I realized that marriage and kids were important to me. Met my husband at 29.I didn't get married till I was 33 and had my DD at 34.

 

[iheartscience]

My biggest dealbreaker was having boyfriends who just weren't good with my family/friends. I hated feeling like I had to babysit my boyfriends! My husband is super social, very friendly, and fit in with my family perfectly. When we lived closer he would go hang out with my dad without me!

 

[missy]

Missy--

it was a dozen years or so ago. I don't think I had the ability to speak up for myself like I do now. And in writing it looks a lot creeper than it was. I never felt in danger and the guy was so ridiculous I think I wanted to see what happened next!

Gotcha- that makes sense. When I was younger I got into a few unpleasant situations as well now that I think of it. Glad those days are over!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I've been with my dh since HS, so there were only a few boyfriends before. One was a REALLY BAD driver. He told me he was taught to drive by his uncle who was a race car driver and would speed around corners and I would be holding on to the car door handle in a panic.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

As some of you may know (but most don't ) I did online dating for the last year. In that time, I met these weirdos:

1) Really hot, buff engineer guy - boring as all heck, had a lisp, and we spent 30 min discussing working out and some weird thing he did to his leg;
2) The guy who brought his dog on our first date, spent part of the date talking about how he had brought another date to that restaurant, then disparaged said previous date's inability to read the menu;
3) the Kiwi guy who got really creepily clingy and needy, and texted me 8 million times (on top of constant gchatting) after our first date. After I broke off contact, I got e-mails, LinkedIn requests, etc. Lovely.
4) The socially awkward guy who made really weird loud noises during...um...private moments. Yes, it is what you're thinking. That was a HUGE dealbreaker.
5) Another really hot, buff engineer guy - also super boring, to the point where 3-4 drinks hadn't lessened that for me. And he was a bit too into his illicit substances.

There were plenty more who were just really nice guys and nothing objectionable about them, other than lack of chemistry with me. But the guys above are the memorable ones, haha.

ETA: Oh I guess I should add, the really big dealbreaker that ended my relationship w/ law school boyfriend was our very divergent views on the future (me, kids, family, pets, house, him, no kids, no pets, no house, traveling until you die).

 

[Rhea]

SIMILARLY - while we are on the topic of being disingenuous...I would love to hear other people's opinions on this. When we (my fiance and I) have people over (for a more formal event; not just like a few people hanging out) and they ask what they can bring, I usually say "oh don't worry about it!" I feel rude telling people to bring something. But MOST people will still bring something. I was raised to never show up to anyone's house empty-handed; they probably were too. So it always surprises me when some people come with nothing (it's only happened a handful of times). But my fiance says that if you explicitly tell them not to bring something, they are off the hook in terms of it being bad etiquette, since they are just doing what you said. Would love to know if other people run into this issue...

When I say don't bring anything, I mean it. Most people will bring wine. I'm hosting Thanksgiving...for a bunch of Brits. We mostly have the same crowd year after year, but heck, I'm not having them mess up my American feast with their idea of what goes with it! On the flip side, I don't bring anything except beer or wine, depending on level of formality, when I go to people's home if they say don't bring anything. I'm not creative enough to figure out what to bring so I take people at their word.

 

[Rhea]

My biggest dealbreaker was having boyfriends who just weren't good with my family/friends. I hated feeling like I had to babysit my boyfriends! My husband is super social, very friendly, and fit in with my family perfectly. When we lived closer he would go hang out with my dad without me!

Thing, I think this is so important! I do have to watch my family and DH a bit and it's so tiring. He's an only child who can appear snobby and somewhat inflexible when confronted with the chaos that is most people's family. We work well together, but he has no idea how to be with family. I don't think it would've been a deal breaker anyway, but it does make it complex because when we see my family for extended holiday because we live in a different country to them. I think thinking about the fit with family is very necessary!

 

[Haven]

SIMILARLY - while we are on the topic of being disingenuous...I would love to hear other people's opinions on this. When we (my fiance and I) have people over (for a more formal event; not just like a few people hanging out) and they ask what they can bring, I usually say "oh don't worry about it!" I feel rude telling people to bring something. But MOST people will still bring something. I was raised to never show up to anyone's house empty-handed; they probably were too. So it always surprises me when some people come with nothing (it's only happened a handful of times). But my fiance says that if you explicitly tell them not to bring something, they are off the hook in terms of it being bad etiquette, since they are just doing what you said. Would love to know if other people run into this issue...

When I say don't bring anything, I mean it. Most people will bring wine. I'm hosting Thanksgiving...for a bunch of Brits. We mostly have the same crowd year after year, but heck, I'm not having them mess up my American feast with their idea of what goes with it! On the flip side, I don't bring anything except beer or wine, depending on level of formality, when I go to people's home if they say don't bring anything. I'm not creative enough to figure out what to bring so I take people at their word.

I don't like showing up empty-handed, so when people tell me not to bring anything I'll usually just bring a bottle of wine or some wrapped, fancy sweets that I think the host and/or hostess will enjoy, themselves.

If I want people to bring something, I tell them, and if I don't, I say don't! If you're telling people not to bring something then it is not bad form for them to oblige your wishes. I think it *is* bad form to tell people they shouldn't bring anything, and to then secretly hold a grudge against them when they comply.

 

[mogster]

SIMILARLY - while we are on the topic of being disingenuous...I would love to hear other people's opinions on this. When we (my fiance and I) have people over (for a more formal event; not just like a few people hanging out) and they ask what they can bring, I usually say "oh don't worry about it!" I feel rude telling people to bring something. But MOST people will still bring something. I was raised to never show up to anyone's house empty-handed; they probably were too. So it always surprises me when some people come with nothing (it's only happened a handful of times). But my fiance says that if you explicitly tell them not to bring something, they are off the hook in terms of it being bad etiquette, since they are just doing what you said. Would love to know if other people run into this issue...

I had this dilemma recently and read either in Miss Manners or another etiquette column that it is rude to go against the host's wishes (which is not to say that this is definitively the right or the wrong thing to do, but I had no reference and no one to ask).

 

[Echidna]

SIMILARLY - while we are on the topic of being disingenuous...I would love to hear other people's opinions on this. When we (my fiance and I) have people over (for a more formal event; not just like a few people hanging out) and they ask what they can bring, I usually say "oh don't worry about it!" I feel rude telling people to bring something. But MOST people will still bring something. I was raised to never show up to anyone's house empty-handed; they probably were too. So it always surprises me when some people come with nothing (it's only happened a handful of times). But my fiance says that if you explicitly tell them not to bring something, they are off the hook in terms of it being bad etiquette, since they are just doing what you said. Would love to know if other people run into this issue...

When I say don't bring anything, I mean it. Most people will bring wine.

On the flip side, I don't bring anything except beer or wine, depending on level of formality, when I go to people's home if they say don't bring anything. I'm not creative enough to figure out what to bring so I take people at their word.

I'm with Rhea- I take the host at their word since I would mean it when I said no need to bring anything.

 

[rainydaze]

SIMILARLY - while we are on the topic of being disingenuous...I would love to hear other people's opinions on this. When we (my fiance and I) have people over (for a more formal event; not just like a few people hanging out) and they ask what they can bring, I usually say "oh don't worry about it!" I feel rude telling people to bring something. But MOST people will still bring something. I was raised to never show up to anyone's house empty-handed; they probably were too. So it always surprises me when some people come with nothing (it's only happened a handful of times). But my fiance says that if you explicitly tell them not to bring something, they are off the hook in terms of it being bad etiquette, since they are just doing what you said. Would love to know if other people run into this issue...

When I say don't bring anything, I mean it. Most people will bring wine. I'm hosting Thanksgiving...for a bunch of Brits. We mostly have the same crowd year after year, but heck, I'm not having them mess up my American feast with their idea of what goes with it! On the flip side, I don't bring anything except beer or wine, depending on level of formality, when I go to people's home if they say don't bring anything. I'm not creative enough to figure out what to bring so I take people at their word.

Ditto! Whenever I have brought something anyway (or someone has brought something after I said there was no need to) it ends up awkwardly uneaten because it's redundant to what the hostess already has. Thus, I have come to the conclusion that I will ask/offer and take the hostess' word (and just bring some wine); on the flip side, I also say what I mean and mean what I say... if I say not to bring anything, then I truly have it covered. I will sometimes try to think of something simple I can have them bring, though, knowing that most of us don't like showing up empty-handed regardless.

 

[missy]

SIMILARLY - while we are on the topic of being disingenuous...I would love to hear other people's opinions on this. When we (my fiance and I) have people over (for a more formal event; not just like a few people hanging out) and they ask what they can bring, I usually say "oh don't worry about it!" I feel rude telling people to bring something. But MOST people will still bring something. I was raised to never show up to anyone's house empty-handed; they probably were too. So it always surprises me when some people come with nothing (it's only happened a handful of times). But my fiance says that if you explicitly tell them not to bring something, they are off the hook in terms of it being bad etiquette, since they are just doing what you said. Would love to know if other people run into this issue...

I had this dilemma recently and read either in Miss Manners or another etiquette column that it is rude to go against the host's wishes (which is not to say that this is definitively the right or the wrong thing to do, but I had no reference and no one to ask).

What gets me is when you have people over and they don't ask if they can bring something. Until very recently this scenario never happened to me but now that it has (3 times now) I am baffled. On 2 separate occasions the offenders (for lack of a better word from my tired brain) were/are both male doctor friends who are single.

One time the invite was for dinner and the other time it was for the whole day and dinner as well. I was surprised neither asked what they could bring. They should both know better for sure! And they are actually both good friends but we usually go out to eat with them. Though one is definitely a repeat offender because I remember 20 years ago when he would come to my parents house (numerous times) he also wouldn't bring anything. But that was when we were in school and younger so I could sorta overlook it then. The third (and last time so far) I had a number of work people over for a cocktail party. All the doctors asked what they could bring or just brought something and none of the ancillary staff asked or brought anything. I don't understand it. It's not about the cost-it's about the gesture of at least asking. I was surprised but ofc I am not holding it against anyone but I just don't understand.

I will say we entertain a fair amount and this has never happened with the exception of these 3 (recent) occasions so percentage wise I guess that's not bad. I just don't understand what goes on in someone's mind when going over to someone's house for food/drink/company and they don't even think of asking or just bringing something.

Btw, before anyone says I should tell people what they could bring before they (don't) ask I feel that would be impolite. And again, it is not about bringing anything but being courteous and considerate of your host and thinking enough of you to ask. That's how I view it anyway. But if someone asks and you say not to bring anything that's a different story. If I tell someone not to bring anything I really don't want them to bring anything. Though most usually do even after I thank them but tell them not to go to the trouble because we have everything we need.

 

[Dancing Fire]

4) The socially awkward guy who made really weird loud noises during...um...private moments. Yes, it is what you're thinking. That was a HUGE dealbreaker.

isn't that normal?...

 

[Phoenix]

4) The socially awkward guy who made really weird loud noises during...um...private moments. Yes, it is what you're thinking. That was a HUGE dealbreaker.

isn't that normal?...

DF, you're such a trouble-maker, as per usual!

 

[Phoenix]

On the subject of whether to bring anything to someone's (dinner) party @ their house, I must say it can be tricky.

Usually when we entertain, almost always our guests would ask if they could bring anything and I always say "no need, just bring yourselves" and I actually mean that. BUT they almost always bring something, be it a bottle of wine, flowers, cake or chocolate or whatever. Some people have actually brought 2 bottles, or a bottle with flowers, or a bottle and chocolate.

I always make sure that we bring something, often for me it's a bottle of champagne (I am a total champagne girl) or a bottle of white wine and we also bring red wine and/ or chocolate and/ or flowers.

We've had people bring foods that we particularly like, ie. some French / other types of cheese that we love but cannot get in SG, foods from Vietnam that we again do not get here etc...

One exception is DH's best friend's Xmas and b'day parties. Granted when he and his wife have us over for dinner, we always bring two bottles. But for their Xmas party (which is an annual ritual) and their b'day do's, they INSIST that nobody bring anything and their guests always comply. So I guess this is the exception to the norm.

One Q I'd like to ask is: when you bring wine to someone's house, should we expect to drink those/ that particular bottle(s)? DH tells me it's etiquette for the host not to serve the wine we bring and it's etiquette for us not to expect to drink it. Does anyone know?

(I'd say though when I go to my GFs' houses, we always drink up all the champagne everyone brings, ha ha!! )

 

[madelise]

5) Another really hot, buff engineer guy - also super boring, to the point where 3-4 drinks hadn't lessened that for me. And he was a bit too into his illicit substances.

LOL, I'm attracted to these 'boring' intellects. I like them NOT talking. I like talking. MEMEMEMEME! I like taking over conversations, and I can care less what my significant other does on their daily work hours. I guess I'm quite narcissistic, huh? LOL