What to Do with Self-Inviters?

[kittybean]

I''ve been running into a lot of people lately who have essentially invited themselves to our wedding.

Example 1: one of FI''s acquaintances found out our date, found us at a New Year''s party when he was in town, and told us that he was coming to our wedding, and that he had already bought two plane tickets (since he''s coming with a guest, I presume). This is not a friend I particularly like--he is a chronic womanizer and a general creeper--and he and FI don''t talk much since he moved away. FI expressed his surprise at the friend having made plans since no invitations have gone out, then steered the conversation to other topics. This acquaintance has sent FI some business, so FI doesn''t want to offend him, but we both think he has been incredibly presumptuous and a little rude.

Example 2: a high school friend who recently got engaged wrote down her address for me, gave it to me at a party, and told me that''s where I could send her wedding invitation. To be fair, she also asked for my address so she could send me her Save-the-Date. I wrote down my address, but I did not know what to say in return! She is a sweet girl, but I have already cut closer friends from the guest list.

Example 3: friends of my parents telling them repeatedly they have saved the date for our wedding (they did not receive a Save-the-Date card), then sending us a lavish engagement gift. My parents have no idea what to tell them, since they aren''t that close, but now are feeling pressured to invite them.

These are just a few of the snafus I''ve run into lately. I am having a hard time deciding what to say or do in such cases. The handy we''re-having-a-small-wedding excuse won''t work as we''re inviting about 300 people, expecting about 250-260 to come. Our budget is at its maximum, and inviting 10 more people who are definitely going to come is just going to present too much expense--plus, we don''t really want them there!

Please help: how do I deal with self-inviters in a polite and kind manner? I really don''t want to offend anyone. If I do have to offend, I would like to do so in the gentlest way possible. Any suggestions are appreciated.

 

[Winslet]

I am definitely in the exact same position. It''s to the point that I almost don''t want to send out save-the-dates because I don''t know who I might have to cut last minute with all these self-inviters adding themselves to our list! I''ve been dancing around this issue for a while, and haven''t quite figured out how to deal with it yet. I''d be interested to see what other people think.

 

[ozsparkle]

It is horrible that people are putting you in this uncomfortable position, and it is unfair that they are placing undue stress on you at this exciting time in your life. Although difficult, perhaps if someone else invites themselves you could politely say to them on the spot that you have already finalized your numbers but would be happy for them to attend the ceremony only. It is uncomfortable, but I guess you would have to broach the topic eventually. As for the people who have already invited themselves- I''m not sure... a phone call maybe saying that you are very sorry but would love for them to be at the ceremony only. Upfront an honest approach- sometimes the only way, and they might appreciate your honesty in the end. This is probably pretty unhelpful, but Good luck!

 

[Deelight]

Kitty I have no idea but I just wanted to say I feel really sorry for you *hugs*

 

[musey]

I''m continuously amazed by the number of these types of stories on BWW. I can''t believe people have the nerve to just assume

If you don''t want them to be there, don''t invite them. If they put you on the spot, tell them that you''re having a "very, very small wedding." That usually gets the point across gently.

 

[cara]

Some variant on the small wedding statement like, "We just aren't going to be able to invite all the people we want to." "Oh, I'm so sorry, we really weren't able to fit everyone we wanted to invite." Even if the constraints are financial or self-imposed, rather than actual space.

At the same time, even though you are totally within your rights to put these people off and not invite them, you should consider the ramifications and maybe its just not worth it.

The business colleague is definitely creepy pushy but if your FI wants more business from him perhaps the two seats are best seen as a networking expense. Its your wedding, but any 200+ person event is going to have a few duds.

On the friends of your parents, I think you are allowed to just accept their engagement gift as a well-intentioned gift and not a bribe, but I have to admit that I did cave on that one. I invited an estranged uncle who sent a ridiculously extravagant engagement gift that was clearly intended to extract an invitation. And my mom begged. Gritted my teeth as I mailed it, but realized it was probably the less painful way through the situation. I hate to be mercenary about it, but are these people the kind that would cover their plate in a wedding gift? Might be easiest just to invite them if you are going to see them for years to come.

And your high school friend is sweet but still. She shouldn't assume she was getting an invite, but at least I have some sympathy for her.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

This is definitely a tough situation, but here''s how I''ve handled it so far when I''ve run into self-inviters. I''ve simply said that I wish I was able to include them but that FI and I have finalized our guest list and due to finances, are only able to invite family and close friends. I''ve found that people can''t really argue with you if you simply tell them that you can''t afford to invite any more people. Good luck!

 

[iheartscience]

Stories like these BLOW MY MIND. Who does this? I have no real advice...I''m sorry you''re dealing with this!

 

[kittybean]

Thanks for your suggestions so far, ladies. This behavior is so puzzling to me--I would never assume I were invited to a wedding. No, maybe I would assume in the case of my brother or best friend, but I would never say anything until I got the invitation or other confirmation from them that I was, indeed, invited! I honestly didn''t believe people would say the things they have until I heard them.

I think that telling people, "I''m sorry, but we really don''t have any more room at this time," is a good suggestion. I do have a fairly large family, and I insisted we invite all singles with a guest, so I think that''s a reasonable response. If all 300 people come, it will be quite cozy at the venue!

In the case of my parents'' friends, I''m allowing them to handle it as they see fit.

Any more of our genteel etiquette experts care to weigh in

? What would Emily Post tell me to do?

 

[anniee19]

I don''t have any real advice to offer, but I want you to know you are definitely not alone! I''m in the exact same boat right now. A few weekends ago, FI and I went to the bar in his very small hometown. At least 3 people we do not plan to invite made comments about how they are excited for our wedding, etc. One lady even asked the date, and then exclaimed, "That is so great! I''m not moving to Washington until June 6, so I will absolutly be able to come!" Oh lord! Neither FI nor I had the slightest clue what to say.

 

[noelwr]

I had some lady at work try that. we never even eat lunch together! I told her that the venue just can''t hold more people. my list is fixed. I will make it known to people right away if they say they''ll come that they''re just not invited. rather deal with the uncomfortable situation now than the unneeded stress on the actual wedding day.

 

[amcgookin]

Oh kittybean this is so annying to me too! I have had so MANY people self-invite themselves to our wedding.... totally rude. I would never do that. However with my "social" friends that did it I just chalked it up to them being really excited and told them that we are only have immediate family and close friends. There are a ton of people that that got left off the list, many of whom I went to thier weddings. It''s a bummer but I can''t afford for them all to come.

The most annoying though are my parents friends who self-invite. My poor mom doesn''t know what to say when this happens since it always shocks her too so she ends up coming to me for direction. Specifically there are two ladies that my mom works with who I know quite well as well (side note: I have known them since I was a teenager and we would often have conversations about who I would marry one day when I was younger)..... I totally gave in to and let my mom invite them this last week. They weren''t on the list and didn''t get save the dates however when the one lady kept asking my mom when the shower was I gave in and said just invite them both if they want to come that bad. If I invite one I have to invite both. I look at it this way I would rather have people there who really want to be there then people who don''t really want to be there and are out of obligation.

If I were you though I wouldn''t feel bad about saying no to some people. If they really do care about you they won''t be mad. I was told by a number of people that it would be really nice if I sent out announcements with a picture once it was all over. So those that couldn''t come would still get something to let them know that the event happened. I liked that idea!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/15/2009 1:09:06 AM
Author: kittybean
Thanks for your suggestions so far, ladies. This behavior is so puzzling to me--I would never assume I were invited to a wedding. No, maybe I would assume in the case of my brother or best friend, but I would never say anything until I got the invitation or other confirmation from them that I was, indeed, invited! I honestly didn''t believe people would say the things they have until I heard them.


I think that telling people, ''I''m sorry, but we really don''t have any more room at this time,'' is a good suggestion. I do have a fairly large family, and I insisted we invite all singles with a guest, so I think that''s a reasonable response. If all 300 people come, it will be quite cozy at the venue!


In the case of my parents'' friends, I''m allowing them to handle it as they see fit.


Any more of our genteel etiquette experts care to weigh in

? What would Emily Post tell me to do?

I think the space issue is the best one to emphasize here - it makes it possible for you to be firm without letting on that you actually don''t *want* them there

 

[Cleopatra]

At least you know in advance that they''re expecting an invite....you have plenty of explanations of why they could/could not be invited.

I know I''ve told this story before on PS, but I remember specifically walking into our reception and seeing someone who DH and I specifically decided not to invite because we don''t know him very well - he was actually waiting by the door and started the "cheering" at our announcement. What I forgot to mention earlier, he apparently brought a date as well and I didn''t even notice (we had over 300 people in attendance)....

 

[swingirl]

Wow! Those self-invitees need to be nipped in the bud! If they don't receive an invitation do you think they'd still come and just show up? Sounds like most people who do this sort of thing aren't close to the bride and groom anyway otherwise they would have to mention it.

Would it be any loss to ignore them?

EDIT: According to Cleopatra people DO show up when they haven't received an invitation!!

 

[bee*]

I really can''t believe that people do this either-it''s unreal! I''d nip it in the bud and say that unfortunately due to finances you can''t have everyone there.

 

[teapot]

I had that problem with my wedding. Thankfully we had space constraints so i told them the truth, "we are having trouble fitting our families into the venue, let alone friends" Then I would tell them that I would love to invite them, but I could not guarantee anything yet. In the end, I had people crash my wedding, and I told them I could not feed them, but they could stay for the party. I''m sorry you are in this situation, I hope everything works out

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I can totally believe this is happening, because as much as I HATE to admit it, I''ve done this before. I feel terrible now that I know better, but maybe they are in the same boat as me? I am mortified now that I think about it, but I really do feel for you.

I don''t have any advice other than to politely say, "We would love to be able to invite everyone, but we are unable to do so at this time."

Have you considered placing them on a B list and sending out invitations to these people as your A list declines arrive? Or are they simply unwanted guests?

 

[appletini]

When I got engaged I immediately said we were having a small wedding whenever people (co-workers, acquaintences, etc) asked about our wedding. They were good about not pushing.

 

[cara]

Date: 1/15/2009 1:09:06 AM
Author: kittybean
Any more of our genteel etiquette experts care to weigh in

? What would Emily Post tell me to do?

The Miss Manners answer is that etiquette does not require that bullies or clueless people be rewarded for their behavior. You are quite in the clear to set your own guest list and stick to it, with polite but firm replies to the self-inviters.

 

[calidaisy]

i haven't read everyone's replies (sorry if i'm repeating other people's suggestions) ... but this is what i did.

for people i know (co-workers, acquaintances, etc.), i said that i have a BIG family and my parents have LOTS of friends and since my parents are footing the bill, i have no say in their HUGE guest list ... meaning, i'm upset but i can only invite less than 10 of my very close friends ... and i'm afraid that they're not in that list of very close people.

for my parents' friends, my mom told them the reverse of what i said--that she has no say over her daughter's wedding (since i'm a grown up and this is the 21st century, etc) and they're only allowed to invite a VERY small number of their friends.

it seemed like most people understood about things you had no control over.
of course, i have one friend (more like an acquaintance) who took offense and acts more distant now, but i see her once every few months for no more than couple minutes at a time, so it's ok.

lastly, no matter what you do, you're bound to have self-inviters (at least we did. i had a friend who RSVP-ed "NO" to the wedding and came with +1. to make matters worse, they left right after eating the meal ... even before we cut our cakes and served desserts! DH also had people who brought uninvited +1s). but in the end, it kind of worked out, because we also had some no-shows as well.

 

[FrekeChild]

Post a sign out front that says there are INVITED guests who are armed with shotguns, and wedding crashers (people who weren''t invited) will be shot on sight.

I''m going to have a hard time with telling people they aren''t invited. Bleh...

 

[Haven]

This only happened a few times to us, but I always said
"You are so kind to think of us, however we are only inviting close friends and family to our wedding."

That was always enough.

Cara is absolutely correct--do not reward bullies or clueless people for their behavior.