What to do about Indian in-laws?

[february2003bride]

Long story short: DH is Indian (but is a US Citizen, very Americanized, lived in the states since 1982, etc. Doesn''t really relate to the Indian culture AT ALL.) I''m American. DH''s parents live in India and he has a brother who lives in IL.

Before we were married, the in-laws would stay with DH for 4-5 months and then BIL for 4-5 months. Then BIL got married (to an Indian women but a different religion which is a HUGE no-no) and has since had 2 children. But during these last 4 years, the last 4 visits have gone horrible for them to the point that the in-laws hated BIL''s wife and vice versa. But since BIL''s wife loves him and he misses his parents, she alwsays agrees to another round of visits.

We got married 4 years ago and during the time we dated, DH dreaded their visits. He absolutely hated it, was ready for them to leave after 2 weeks but put up with it to keep the peace. He swore that after we got married that their visits with us would be no longer than 2 weeks because he his mom wouldn''t want to stay with us because I''m American and wouldn''t let her run the house (a huge problem they were having at BIL''s house).

Anyway, we get married, had our first son together (I have a daughter from before DH, another issue between his parents and I) and suddenly DH''s tune changes. Their first visit here, we paid for an apartment for them for 11 months so they wouldn''t actually be living with us, gave them my VW Passat for FIL to drive, paid all of their expenses, utilities and did stupid mandatory weekend visits. FIL called every single night at 10:00 on the dot. If DH didn''t answer the FIL would call DH''s cell. If DH didn''t answer THAT, FIL would call back at the house until someone answered. MIL has emotional issues with herself and towards everyone else. I get special issues with her because I''m not Indian and a host of other reasons.

So the apartment thing didn''t work out because I was sick of seeing out bank account being drained (they both had jobs, btw), fighting with DH that WE had to be on a strict budget to be able to pay for them, depsite each in-law having a job and a substantial savings. FIL would get upset if my mom was babysitting both kids; he would want my mother to watch my daughter (in our eyes and hearts, OUR daughter now) and he would watch our son. Finally, someone broke into their home in India so they went back 2 weeks later.

The next visit after that which we only hosted them for 10 days which DH and I fought like cats and dogs over, during, after.

There was another visit with the in-laws and BIL''s family.

It looked like this year they would not be visiting but BIL convinced them to come here anyway. So they''ve been in IL since the beginning of April and we have to decide about their visit with us. I dread their visits but since we''ve had our now TWO sons, DH is more determined to have them stay with us atleast a month. He just had a business trip to IL and was able to see them a couple of nights. They want to come down for 10-15 days but DH wants them not just stay longer, but then drive them back to IL ourselves with our three kids in our minvian van, stay in IL a week and then drive back.

I''m at my wits end. I hate arguing with DH, I hate his parents visits because of the extra baggage, and I don''t care for them personally.

So what do I do?? If there weren''t issues the visits would at least be bearable. One friend says I should suck it up and deal with it, another friend says to give DH strict guidelines about their stay since I stay at home with the kids and he doesn''t.

Also, BIL is resentful that he hosts the long visits and we only have short (10days or less) visits with them. But BIL and DH already don''t get along so this issue just magnifies that.

 

[Skippy123]

Gosh, I wish I had good advice. I would talk to him about it. Why don''t they rent a place? Is that custom to go live with someone? I am so sorry; I hope you come to a good solution.

 

[Beacon]

I am so sorry to hear this - what a nightmare. Terrible stuff.

Since I am american I would not be able to deal with it and just "suck it up". As for paying their rent for 11 months when you have 3 kids to provide for - sorry, no way.

You''ll have to sort it out with your husband though, sounds like he thinks this is all fine. If he cannot be persuaded to back you up, well I don''t know what can be done. What is notable is that neither your husband nor his brother seem to really want the parents around so much but they still come anyway. That is strange.

I would tell him that paying for his parent''s lengthy visits is breaking the bank and denying your kids the savings accounts they need for the future.

As for the phone at 10pm - turn the ringer off. Just do it. If they complain tell them you don''t take phone calls at night. No explanation.

You are in a bad culture clash. In some cultures maybe all this is normal. Your husband may be somewhat Americanized, but not really that much. No American has their parents with them for 4-11 months at a time. No one I know. He did this before you were married and now it''s happening after you are married and it sounds like that is what will continue.

BTW, you say these in laws have jobs but how can they work when they live away from home for 10 months of the year?

I could not take it. I am sorry you are facing this, I really am.

 

[Maisie]

I was wondering that too - how on earth do they manage to work and keep moving house? Don''t they have their own home in the States? I am a bit confused as I am not sure how things work in their culture. I''m not being disrespectful, just curious.

I can see why you are fed up though - you poor soul!

 

[peridot83]

As someone from an Indian background (I think though this may apply to many many cultures), I am confused why your husband didn't think this would happen. Basically, among traditional Indian families, children never move out of the home and "live on their own" unless its for university or career purposes. As soon as those purposes are finished, they are supposed to move BACK home (hence Aishwarya Rai famously saying she still lived with her parents (at 2 and would do so until married). Once married, the eldest son will bring back his wife to his parents home and will continue to live there.

There's also a great cultural mythology around daughter in laws being treated extremely badly when they move into the in laws home. Its almost like a hazing. Its up to your husband to tell his parents that he's not going to let that happen in his household. I know it sounds very patriarchal but it really does have to come from him, because they'll respect his opinion not yours.

Perhaps your husband was hoping his brother would be able to take this on full time, so he wouldn't have to deal with it? I mean it puts in you a horrible position because there really isn't a great solution. I think it would be clearly unacceptable culturally for your husband ,or his brother, to tell his parents to live by themselves in India. On the other hand, it's also unacceptable to have inlaws who criticize everything that you do and perhaps even treat their grandchildren differently based on parentage.

Do the parents of DH still have any financial hold on you two? If they don't, I don't see why you can't all sit down and set some ground rules. DH should have your back on this. Explain you do want them to play a role in your grandchildrens' lives, but it can't continue until some things change. I mean, it's one thing if their daughter in law is complaining, but if there son is? They'd have to listen. It almost sounds like, from your story, that your husband has never actually TOLD his parents how he feels about the situation. His parents probably have some misguided notion that all the complaints are just coming from the daughter in laws, when its actually the sons too who have issues.

I know this my trivalize it, but my bf often times will say oh "gf doesn't like it when..." instead of owning up and sayng BOTH OF US don't like it when....
Make sure your DH is owning up to his parents about how he feels about the situation.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I recommend counselling--some sort of professional mediation to help sort out these challengng and emotional issues. May help to provide a "fresh/outside" perspective.

cheers--Sharon

 

[february2003bride]

I need to clear up some confusion

The in-laws only worked during 2004 and we paid for their rent and whatnot from Jan 04- Nov 04, then they went back home to India. They don''t currently work, their primary residence is in India. They come to the States once a year for visits, and so they don''t lose their greencard.

Skippy- it is custom in Indian culture that if you have relatives living overseas, that the visits are months long at a time. Last time we rented an apartment for them, it was a big to-do. we had to find an apartment that would go month to month in a lease, rent furniture, bedding, kitchen items, give them our car, get them on our insurance, every weekend take them grocery shopping. Our first son was 6 weeks old at the time and I rarely saw my husband the second year of our marriage and the first year of our son''s life. If DH missed a weekend (and he only missed one) FIL would call and guilt him about them only living in the US for the grandchildren.

Beacon- I explained the money issue (which isn''t an issue anymore) in the first paragrah. Hope that clears up any confusion

DH and BIL do want their parents here. Just rather living on their own, with their own lives, their own jobs, etc. It''s confusing because while they do want their parents here, they hate, despise, loath all of the baggage that comes with their trips. The in-laws are half aware, half in the dark about it all. They hold grudges for years (they are still holdinga grudge against DH from something he did 15 years ago) so just laying it all out on the line about the havoc they create by their actions while they stay with us, just isn''t possible.

Maisie- Thanks for your response! I actually feel really bad about the situation, and especially for DH. But when the in-laws are here...ugh.

Peridot83- I was hoping someone who was Indian would respond!!

Well, DH was married once before, to an American for 6 years before they divorced. Or rather, they dated 2 years, married for 4, seperated for 2 before the divorce was finalized. During their 6 year marriage, the in-laws visited them ONE TIME for 2 DAYS. Dh even wanted them to stay in a hotel during that stay but they refused and actually slept on the floor of his family room (he had a small apartment in New York at the time so no spare room). When he divorced is when their 4-5 month long visits resumed. I wouldn''t say his parents treat me badly. MIL doesn''t like me because I will not allow her, during their stay, to rearrange my cabinets, take over all of the cooking and cleaning and part of the raising of our kids. FIL has an unusual attachment to our first DS, because he''s a boy and the oldest grandson as well, so he hogs all of m son''s attention. DH tries to intervene a little bit (telling FIL to act like a grandpa instead of a dad) but he''s scared that it''ll go over badly (which it has in the past-I don''t blame him).

No, no financial hold. They''ve never paid for anything of ours, only us for them (plane tickets and the year that they lived in their own apartment) but that''s over now.

Anyway, as of right now they are coming to stay 10-15 days. I''m pushing for the 10, DH''s pushing for the 15. We are booking the tickets so the dates are up to us...

 

[february2003bride]

Canuk- Every time a pending visit is brought up, I tell DH we need counseling for that topic! Which, to put it bluntly, sucks because we have such a great, loving, respectful marriage in every other aspect. DH is all for it for US but not anything involving his parents directly. Counseling just isn''t done in India and really is looked down upon.

In 2004 when they lived here, after the first month it became obvious that MIL''s issues ran much deeper than any of us realized (even DH). I found an older Indian female psychologist - which was like finding a needle in a hay stack- but MIL refused to go and was offended we even thought she needed help. *sigh* DH said this morning that he anticipates one more US visit in 2008 and then no more. But I know that when one of them passes away, the other wants to come live with one of their sons. I honestly don''t know how we will handle that. to make matters worse, MIL doesn''t drive, has never used an ATM by herself, has never purchased an item by herself. She totally relys on FIL and her two sons.

 

[widget]

Wow...these cultural/inlaw issures are wild, aren''t they?

My heart goes out to you.

At least they''re staying 10-15 days instead of months on end, this time!

I guess I have only one thought...maybe you should let your MIL run the house, rearrange the kitchen, etc etc if it would make her happy and keep her busy while they''re there. Then you could put everything back after they''ve left. Well, a thought, anyhoo..

One thing I couldn''t tolerate is unequal attention to the kids....BOTH you and your husband should confront them on this issue..

Yikes..good luck!

widget

 

[Beacon]

Widget, I was thinking the same - let them run wild - in fact, give them the whole ship and take a fabulous vacation and let them babysit.

I think from their point of view the whole circumstance is really difficult. For their son to even be divorced is a huge deal and then he is remarried, both times to a non Indian - they must be wondering where they went wrong. It''s just very difficult for people from Indian culture to accept such things. I would not underestimate how much turmoil they suffered due to these life situations, even though to us American born folk it''s no big deal.

So you have this big dilemma. I hope you can work some sort of middle ground and get cooperation. I am glad that your marriage is strong and stable in all the other areas. This stuff can be a disaster, so it is good you are able to deal with it.

 

[Dee*Jay]

I would be afraid to take Widget up on her suggestion because then they might have such a good time that they''ll *stay longer*

.

 

[ladykemma]

i know of a family that solved this problem by buying two american "Pulte" "starter" homes, side by side. that way the new wife got her space, and the indian cultural stuff was respected.

thay way, you are at least investing the money.

 

[peridot83]

On an aside: Have you seen the Namesake? I think it does a good job (though a rather martyring job, and def. exagerates the differences...no woman is that perfect, and no son that bratty =P) of showing the difficulties Indian women face trying to connect with the generation that grows up American. I thought it was well done.

Also, obviously all people are different and a lot of my posts are based on cultural generalizations that certainly don''t apply to everyone . Sorry the post is so long, its late and I don''t feel like studying for finals

I guess part of it, and this is a problem I''ve always complained about with Indian men =P. Is the parent/child relationship never really goes away. Grandparents act as parental authorities and continue to take care of their children until they''re no longer able (there''s no moving into a "counseling" "supporting" role once you are an adult). So a 30 year old man will still have his mother doing his laundry, cooking for him etc. Also, grandparents continue to direct and be very involved in the bringing up of their grandchildren.

Maybe his parents are paranoid because of the last marriage? I mean only seeing your kids once in 6 years is kinda overkill. Maybe they''re overreacting to being shut out of their his life from the last marriage, and projecting all those feelings onto you?

I''m sorry, Indian mothers can be very overbearing. They basically devote their whole lives to make sure the rest of their families are taken care of, and tend to feel useless, unwanted, and not a part of their childs lives if they''re not doing so. So I can imagine, MIL comes in with all the eagerness to cook her son''s favorite foods, take care of him etc. and make up for a whole year in 2 weeks!! (This again adds to the whole mythology about the In-laws making the daughter in law miserable because the mother feels challenged in her role..) I imagine she pushes the role extra hard because she can feel that she''s not wanted, and the pushing makes her even more unbearable, which makes the MIL even more unwanted.

I do think even if the temporary step is to shorten the visits, you will eventually have to deal with their cultural expectations and see if there''s anyway, especially with his mother, to give her a sense of self-worth outside of her role in the family. Because as you said, if God forbid, one of them were to die or fall ill, either your husband or his brother is going to have to provide for them and bring them over.

I hope things work out for you, and I understand the alienation that comes from not sharing the same culture as your in laws! (Though there are some noticebly yummy benefits).

 

[Tigerbear]

I think Peridot has given some good advice. I would like to share my story with you in case you are interested.

I''m American, married to an Indian man. My MIL lived with us for 8 months the first year of our marriage. Can you imagine??? To my DH''s credit, he made it very clear before we married that his mom would be spending half her time with us. It is definitely not easy. It was especially hard for me after I had our son and she had so much parenting advice to give. It does help though that my DH supports me and my decisions, as well as the fact that all three of us do not like conflict.

What makes it do-able? Simply my deep love for my husband. I knew when I married him I was also marrying into his family. I wouldn''t trade him for the world. I also appreciate Indian culture (I have read The Namesake twice - much better even than the movie). It also helps tremendously that his mom really is a good person. She loves cooking for us so I let her. My SIL said she would take over our kitchen and she did but I am ok with that. I actually really appreciate it. I cook for us when I like, and try to make a vegetarian version when I can. I also appreciate all the care she gives to my son. It allows my DH and I to have date nights - and allowed me to go back to work after the baby was born without putting him in daycare right away.

Again, is it easy? Definitely not. But it has been doable. Now that she is gone, I actually miss her. I make sure to call her at least once a week. And you know what she does? She tells me she loves me. A very American concept that she got from me.

I know your situation is very different from mine, but I truly think your life will be so much easier if you can graciously accept a short visit from your in-laws. I bet your relationship with your DH would even be strengthened.

 

[Beacon]

This is a very nice story and shows that their can be a positive side to these culture clashes.

We were at a party over the weekend and met a couple where the wife is american and the man is Indian. They live here and work in Silicon Valley and are newly married. In the middle of the party the husband gets a call from Mom in India. Apparently she calls all the time. When I was reading this thread I kept thinking of this young American girl and hoping that it will not come out bad for her.

This last thread shows that things can work out very nicely if all parties can be flexible and try to understand the other side.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 5/3/2007 1:36:56 PM
Author: widget
Wow...these cultural/inlaw issures are wild, aren't they?

My heart goes out to you.

At least they're staying 10-15 days instead of months on end, this time!

I guess I have only one thought...maybe you should let your MIL run the house, rearrange the kitchen, etc etc if it would make her happy and keep her busy while they're there. Then you could put everything back after they've left. Well, a thought, anyhoo..

One thing I couldn't tolerate is unequal attention to the kids....BOTH you and your husband should confront them on this issue..

Yikes..good luck!

widget

I agree with you... I mean... I'm american and all of this is totally foreign to me, but my inlaws are hispanic and my MIL has intimated these same issues.... my inlaws don't come and set up shop, but my GMIL certainly does and this has caused more than one divorce! and my mil's mil did it to her and it caused major stresses. (it also made her swear she'd never do that to her dil's LOL)

But what I keep thinking about is - put yourself in their shoes... their culture is all they know and they love their sons, miss their sons and frankly I can understand why they'd be resentful over women who stand in the way of them living their lives as they are accustomed to, how they were raised to, the MIL is probably thinking, "why does this white girl get to turn me away from my son when I had to endure MY mother in law!!" LOL

I think there needs to be compromise. Our elders do like to know they've been heard. They like to know they're passing their wisdom and culture and traditions.... and someday you will be in those shoes. Someday you will wonder why a woman stands between you and your sons. You will understand it, but you won't like it. Mothers and sons have a very special bond that mostly gets replaced by a wife. I'd bet your husband's becoming a father of boys has actually intensified his desire to be with his mom and dad and his sympathy for their situation.

I would not recommend you just bend over and take it, your culture and traditions are every bit as important, but no MORE important than those your husband was rasied with. It was easy for him to let his culture go before he had children... having children changes everything. I think it is important for you to figure out what is MOST important to you and to articulate that as well as what you ARE willing to give on. I think if everyone sits down, you discuss the differing cultures, and draw up boundaries you can all agree to, it will take you a step closer to developing a relationship with them that even YOU can enjoy

JMHO

 

[surfgirl]

Having spent alot of time working in India, I really feel for you because I know what you're describing is very real and can be extremely oppressive. You've gotten some good examples and advice from those who are either married to Indian men or who are Indian women who know what you're experiencing.

And while I agree that you cannot and should not let them have their way with your household, I think you DO have to lay some clear ground rules with them. For example, if they cannot, or will not accept your daughter as their beloved granddaughter then they cannot visit you anymore. I think that it's deplorable of them to decide that their "blood" grandsons are worthy of their attention and love but your daughter is not. To me, that's a deal breaker on their visiting. How do they treat her anyway, I'm just curious?

As for making some space for them in terms of making them feel "relevant" when they're with you, could you ask the MIL to teach you how to cook Indian food? Even if you already know how, you KNOW in her mind you can never cook her son Indian food as good as she does, so that might be a way you can try to connect with her and allow her the space to feel like she's contributing to the household, which is an important aspect to being an Indian matriarch. Do you ever go over there (to India) to visit them? You could do that instead of always having them come over here, and that might allow you to control your visit with them as you could stay with them as a home base, and then take shorter trips around the country while you're there. Honestly, you could do that every year for the rest of your lives and still not see the whole country! Also, what about taking short local trips to take them sightseeing in the US or your general area while they're here. That way you get them out of your house and into a holiday setting? Just a few thoughts to make it more bearable for you...I feel for you...But as many have said, your husband has to be willing to stand up to them as an adult and lay out the rules of the visit and support you 100%.

 

[february2003bride]

Thanks again everyone! The tickets have been booked for the in-laws and their visit will be 16 days long. About 6 more than I would have preferred but they only come to the states once a year. DH is planning to take off from work and be home except for 3 days of their visit, which will make it more bearable.

Slightly off topic- DH never knows what to get his parents for holidays and events. Since we''ve been married I''ve slowly taken that job over, always buying the cards, making sure the children sign them and get them mailed off; ditto for gifts. I found out a while ago that MIL has some nice yellow gold pieces but has never owned a diamond. So for Mother''s Day, I bought her the Whiteflash ''Ready Set Go'' .30 ctw, 4 prong, yellow gold round studs. I should get them Wednesday from WF and will send them to her that same day. MIL is petite and so not a flashy person so the .30 ctw size should be perfect for her. I''ll let you know how she likes them! MIL is the type of person to refuse gifts because she feels she''s not worthy to get them. I''ve told DH that if she refuses to have them 1) I''ll be pissed

and 2) we''ll save them for our daughter.

 

[diamondfan]

I can only say that this is tough, I have my mother in law for a week and I want to strangle her. Months on end, especially if I were paying for the pleasure, would make me insane I can tell you. There MUST be boundaries, easier said than done, but vital. Your daughter is part of their lives too now, I would not allow her to be a second class citizen. Also, you are not obligated to spend tons of time with them if they are there for months, you should be able to go about your business and see them a reasonable amount. OH I FEEL FOR YOU. Especially dealing with cultural issues too...

 

[Tigerbear]

That is so sweet of you! I bet she will love the earrings - atleast she should.

I hope your visit goes better than expected. I also like the idea of taking day trips if possible. If you are out and about having fun I bet the time would go faster.

 

[surfgirl]

I was thinking more about your situation and your daughter and wondering...what if you asked your MIL to take you and your daughter shopping for a sari or salwar kameez or whatever she usually wears, and create a family photo of your family and in laws dressed in Indian finery...? I''m just thinking of something that might help her bond to your daughter and make her feel more like a grandmother to her? Just a thought...I''m thinking since marrying someone who already has kids isnt that common in India as it is here, she might not really actively dislike your daughter, she might just not know how to bond with her? Hey, I''m playing devils advocate here

 

[hikerchick]

I just stumbled onto this thread and there probably isn''t much I can add to all that peridot and others have said so eloquently but wanted to throw in my 2 cents . . . and tell you from the bottom of my heart that I feel your pain. When I first read your initial post I was torn between defending the indian family structure and giving you the much needed sympathy you deserve since I can only too well understand your pain and frustration.

I am Indian and moved to the States when I was 10 years old. I am marrying an American and we have been struggling and succeeding (very slowly) at making my family accept and understand our relationship. My FI has known since the first week we were dating that my family is very important to me and that indian cultural family structure is very unusual and potentially over-bearing for someone who didn''t grow up this way. I knew from the very start that my parents were going to disapprove of FI and told him time and time again how complicated things were going to get in his life. I also made it very clear from the start that though I am notorious for being the "bad daughter" in that I fight them every step of the way, live my life as I see fit and stick up for my rights and philosophies, in the end I am not so "americanized" that I can ever disregard my indian culture responsibility to care for my parents (and this includes having them live with me). Being that my parents don''t have sons, they have always considered themselves "cursed" because they believe that without sons there won''t be anyone to care for them in their old age. This has added further fuel to my fire, in that, I feel a HUGE responsibility to show them that a daughter will do as much if not more for them than a son. So, though it may sound insane to those not in the "know" about the indian culture, it isn''t that unusual for parents to live with their sons and even though I am fully Americanized, I still carry some of that Indian culture with me, as I am guessing your DH does.

All that being said, I REALLY second that third the advice given here that says this is your DH''s responsibility to find an acceptable compromise. He needs to stand up for you and his family. He needs to set boundaries and limitations. You can''t have a life completely free of the culture clash because no matter how hard you and he try, he will always be indian but you can most definitely have a less chaotic and more defined relationship with his parents but this HAS to be the result of your DH''s doing and not yours. You need to sit down with him, lay out your needs and expectations when it comes to his parents and then have him lay down the law with them.

I am sorry you are having to endure this . . . they should have a "guide" to help those unsuspecting souls that fall into the landmine that is the indian culture. Hope the visit goes well and those earrings are GORGEOUS . . . I am sure she will love them, or she should anyway.

I am sending you tons of good vibes and strength through this computer screen. Good Luck.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I agree with hikerchick. While it might seem like she thinks she doesn''t deserve nice things deep down she''s a girl like us. I''m sure she''ll love them and appreciate them regardless of her ability (or lack thereof) to show it.

Someone should write an idiotsguideto Indian In-Laws, Chinese In-Laws, etc.