What to do about husband who doesn't want dog?

[Slickk]

My husband resisted having a dog. So after adding first a bird and then a cat, which still didn’t quench my yearn for a pooch, we got one.
It’s been a wonderful life with our pooch. My husband immediately fell in love and it’s sweet to see his ‘macho self’ dote over an apricot mini poodle Pooch is nearing 16 years old now and we are heartbroken over his deteriorating health. But it’s been a great life with him as part of our family.
I would want to know why your hubby is adamant against having one and I wouldn’t force the issue too much at once. Just slowly wear him down perhaps? That’s how I did it! Good luck. There’s nothing like the unconditional love of a pet.
And because I am enjoying the other fur baby pics, here is mine.


And I love this meme...

 

[violet3]

I am your DH in my scenario. I am a cat person, through and through. My DH is too, he has bonded with and loved the cats we’ve had since first getting together. He also had dogs growing up, and he loves dogs too. He and the kids wanted a dog. I have never cared for dogs and would rather not have one, but in the end I wasn’t going to deny my kids the experience. If it were just DH, I may have resisted since he can also bond with cats. Even though I am siding with if he doesn’t want one you really shouldn’t get one, I guess my actions speak louder than my words. I do love my DH and care about what matters to him.

Anyway, the old cliche ‘husband wants dog, wife does all the work’ applies here. However, DH works incredibly hard and still pitches in all over the place with the kids and house. So it makes sense that I would be the one taking care of her. Yet, after five years, I started to feel some resentment. I am not the dog-wanter yet I am the dog-caretaker. I have not bonded with her. I take very good care of her, and DH and the kids give her attention. But my tune has not changed and I would prefer to be dog-free again after she is gone. Even if DH were to manage all of a dog’s care and needs, I am still on the side that you can’t just bring a dog into a home where both parties are not on board. A dog is very much present in your life every minute of the day. They require a lot of work and attention, and they affect the environment of your home. I am the one who keeps the house and cleans, so having her has added to my housework woes. Since I am not a dog person, and have not really bonded with her, the joys of having her do not outweigh the drawbacks for me.

I posted here thinking I was offering the ‘other side’s’ experience, but I’m not sure I arrived at a place that makes sense! I guess I don’t think it’s fair to bring a dog into a house where one spouse doesn’t want a dog because it will most definitely affect their life even if they don’t have to do any of the work. Yet we have a dog. I have been telling DH that I don’t want another dog after she is gone, and he waffles between accepting that and telling me dogs make him happy so he will always have a dog. We both love and respect each other, but this is a tough one. Maybe I compromised for so many years by having her, so we’ll go without for so many years, and then maybe we’ll have another.

She is a beauty, and as far as dogs go, mostly wonderful.

Thank you for sharing your story and your picture @rainydaze ! Your dog is a cutie , but I understand how you feel. I do most of the work for my dogs also, but out of choice. DH feels about cats how you feel about dogs, so I'll never be getting one of those, even though I'd like to!

My husband resisted having a dog. So after adding first a bird and then a cat, which still didn’t quench my yearn for a pooch, we got one.
It’s been a wonderful life with our pooch. My husband immediately fell in love and it’s sweet to see his ‘macho self’ dote over an apricot mini poodle Pooch is nearing 16 years old now and we are heartbroken over his deteriorating health. But it’s been a great life with him as part of our family.
I would want to know why your hubby is adamant against having one and I wouldn’t force the issue too much at once. Just slowly wear him down perhaps? That’s how I did it! Good luck. There’s nothing like the unconditional love of a pet.
And because I am enjoying the other fur baby pics, here is mine.


And I love this meme...

@Sandeek 16 years old - how wonderful - my best friend from high school's dog was named pooch! Your puppy is adorable

 

[winnietucker]

I love dogs! I have 2 corgis. I grew up with Chows and my mom had 2 Danes when I was in high school.

My husband wasn’t thrilled about getting any of our pets with the exception of our chickens (a cat, 3 pufferfish, and a betta) but just kind of went with it.

Yeah we won’t be getting any more pets. I see why he wasn’t for it. The way our life is set up I can’t take care of all these pets by myself. Even though the bulk of the care for everyone lands on me, he still needs to be involved.

He’s come around and loves the pets but is still affected them. My one corgi (we got him because his old family didn’t want him anymore) has some issues meaning we can’t use our old daycare lady if we want them both to go the same place. I feel uncomfortable leaving my dogs at some strangers house and I don’t like boarding at a kennel. So they went on vacation with us last year. We road tripped it. My husband wanted to do a lot of things we just couldn’t because the dogs came with.

I don’t think there’s a way to make everyone happy in your situation. But I agree fostering is a great idea.

 

[Gussie]

I am a dog person through and through. I have always had a dog except for the undergrad years. We have had 2 dogs for the most part throughout married life. A few years ago we had to put down our older one and had an only dog for about 3 years. It was so easy as he is calm and almost human! Travel was easily possible and everyone was happy with the situation for about couple of years. Then puppy talk began. The kids and DH wanted another one. I was pretty against it because I am obviously the caretaker/house manager and I was pretty accustomed to an only dog and 3 kids. I held out and everyone respected my wishes. Then one day, I too began to think I was ready. Lol, it took one hot minute for my daughter to find a pup. He is a joy, stole my heart in 2 seconds. Both our dogs are spoiled rotten and very happy and they love each other. But I am definitely grateful that everyone made the decision. I think I would have been resentful had I not had my say in it seeing that I am the majority caretaker.

I hope you can find a middle ground and come to a decision together. It isn't fair to your husband or a pet if all parties aren't fully in agreement.
My babies, Dirk and Gus

 

[SandyinAnaheim]

A little background: Lola thinks she is a Meerkat. She wasn't taught to do this, she sits like this all the time! She is a GREAT sister to 13 yo Griffy, who was desolate when we lost Scooby and lost 5 lbs in 3 weeks. Lola was found in a hoarder's house, where she lived in a crate with her mom and six littermates. She is a Shih Tzu/Terrier mix. Her mom and litter mates all had beautiful Shih Tzu hair and were all adopted in a week. Lola, who looks like a gremlin, generated no interest....until I came along. She came right up to Griffy and I, and started playing with him, she's the only one of the available pups we went to see that interacted with us. I wanted a poodly type so I can practice my scissoring and fun dying skills, but she won me over with her sweetness and tenderness towards Griffy. I named her Lola after the Manilow song Copacabana, with her little ballerina feet that point outwards like a dancer. I adore my little peaches and can't imagine life without dogs, especially since I didn't have a chance to have kids either.

@rainydaze I understand your position completely! I'll respond after work today.

 

[lovedogs]

A little background: Lola thinks she is a Meerkat. She wasn't taught to do this, she sits like this all the time! She is a GREAT sister to 13 yo Griffy, who was desolate when we lost Scooby and lost 5 lbs in 3 weeks. Lola was found in a hoarder's house, where she lived in a crate with her mom and six littermates. She is a Shih Tzu/Terrier mix. Her mom and litter mates all had beautiful Shih Tzu hair and were all adopted in a week. Lola, who looks like a gremlin, generated no interest....until I came along. She came right up to Griffy and I, and started playing with him, she's the only one of the available pups we went to see that interacted with us. I wanted a poodly type so I can practice my scissoring and fun dying skills, but she won me over with her sweetness and tenderness towards Griffy. I named her Lola after the Manilow song Copacabana, with her little ballerina feet that point outwards like a dancer. I adore my little peaches and can't imagine life without dogs, especially since I didn't have a chance to have kids either.

@rainydaze I understand your position completely! I'll respond after work today.

your pups are my favorite. OMG Lola is beautiful and I would have gravitated towards her immediately. She's so sweet and silly looking. And griffy looks so lovely as well! Is he a long-haired Doxie?

 

[tigertales]

My husband was always a cat person.
Then, I brought home a Chihuahua the size of an aspirin.

It melted his heart.

 

[SandyinAnaheim]

your pups are my favorite. OMG Lola is beautiful and I would have gravitated towards her immediately. She's so sweet and silly looking. And griffy looks so lovely as well! Is he a long-haired Doxie?

Yes, he's a tweeny LH Dachshund. He was a champion brewfest and was dumped at the shelter when he was 9yo. The rescue that fixed him up arranged a dental where he lost 40 of his 42 teeth, and got him back to a normal weight. He also lived in a crate his whole life and had never played with toys, been on carpet or grass. He is the prince of the house now.

 

[Mcgregor]

Both my husband and I had dogs growing up. While childless, we did not have a dog so that we could come and go as we pleased. After we had children, I refused to have a dog as I had a husband, children, parents and in-laws to take care of. By the time the children were older (6and 9), their desire to have a dog was so great that I agreed to have a family meeting to decide the issue. My father was living with us by then and he had voting rights, also. Needless to say, I lost the battle and we got a puppy a few months later. I have to honestly say that it was the greatest gift we could have given my father and children, particularly our son. The children learned to give of themselves to an animal that adored them and expected nothing in return.

I can’t say it is good to go against your spouse. All I can say is that I was where your spouse is. I understand his position, but I am able to look back on the thirteen years with our dog and appreciate the warmth and comraderie that the dog brought to our home and family. It was the best decision for our family........despite my misgivings.

 

[Wewechew]

@violet3 you wrote what I was thinking!! We're very much alike! I also second @elle_71125 and @AGBF.

When I moved to CA to live with my now husband, he had 3 kids an I had two dogs. When one of my babies passed away, he said maybe we can have just one for a while, as he had never had indoor dogs before (that was a red flag I didn't know enough to realize). I told him I NEED to have two babies, pets are happier with a companion while the parents are away working to put food on the table for the babies. He said I don't want a second dog, and I told him what would you want me to say if one of your kids needed to come home and live with you for a while? Would you want me to tell you I don't want one of them under my roof? That was the end of THAT discussion.

When I found Lola and brought her home, he told me she was the ugliest dog he had ever seen and that I should return her. I KNOW she's homely, THAT'S why I chose her!! No one else wanted her. Guess who has Daddy wrapped around her finger now??

I disagree that she's homely; she is the cutest little thing

 

[TooPatient]

Sometimes it works out great, but for every happy outcome, there are a dozen bad where it is the dog who suffers. Even if that is "just" dealing with one person in the house who doesn't bond with them. Have you ever seen a dog desperate to please someone who just isn't interested? It is the saddest thing you will ever see.

It WILL affect your husband even if you do all of the work. Dinner party running longer than expected? Tough. Go home before it is over. The place you had dinner offered a hotel room complimentary for the night? (We actually had this happen before!) Too bad. You get to go back and pay $$$ on a night you arranged care. My step father hated the smell of our dog growing up. No amount of baths can get rid of the smell they get when it is hot, cold, rainy, etc.

One of my dogs lived 21 years. Your kids will grow and move on to their own lives. Your husband will be there with you and a dog he didn't want.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It's opposite with me and my SO. He wants a dog, I have no interest. I grew up with dogs but I am more of a cat person. I do not want to take care of or train a dog. I let him know if we get one, he will be responsible for it.

 

[Queenie60]

I am your DH in my scenario. I am a cat person, through and through. My DH is too, he has bonded with and loved the cats we’ve had since first getting together. He also had dogs growing up, and he loves dogs too. He and the kids wanted a dog. I have never cared for dogs and would rather not have one, but in the end I wasn’t going to deny my kids the experience. If it were just DH, I may have resisted since he can also bond with cats. Even though I am siding with if he doesn’t want one you really shouldn’t get one, I guess my actions speak louder than my words. I do love my DH and care about what matters to him.

Anyway, the old cliche ‘husband wants dog, wife does all the work’ applies here. However, DH works incredibly hard and still pitches in all over the place with the kids and house. So it makes sense that I would be the one taking care of her. Yet, after five years, I started to feel some resentment. I am not the dog-wanter yet I am the dog-caretaker. I have not bonded with her. I take very good care of her, and DH and the kids give her attention. But my tune has not changed and I would prefer to be dog-free again after she is gone. Even if DH were to manage all of a dog’s care and needs, I am still on the side that you can’t just bring a dog into a home where both parties are not on board. A dog is very much present in your life every minute of the day. They require a lot of work and attention, and they affect the environment of your home. I am the one who keeps the house and cleans, so having her has added to my housework woes. Since I am not a dog person, and have not really bonded with her, the joys of having her do not outweigh the drawbacks for me.

I posted here thinking I was offering the ‘other side’s’ experience, but I’m not sure I arrived at a place that makes sense! I guess I don’t think it’s fair to bring a dog into a house where one spouse doesn’t want a dog because it will most definitely affect their life even if they don’t have to do any of the work. Yet we have a dog. I have been telling DH that I don’t want another dog after she is gone, and he waffles between accepting that and telling me dogs make him happy so he will always have a dog. We both love and respect each other, but this is a tough one. Maybe I compromised for so many years by having her, so we’ll go without for so many years, and then maybe we’ll have another.

She is a beauty, and as far as dogs go, mostly wonderful.

She's beautiful!

 

[Jambalaya]

If I had repeatedly stated my wish not to live with a dog, not ever, and my spouse got one anyway, I would be very upset. At that point, it wouldn't be about the dog, it would be about issues such as boundaries and respect. We all hate it when people don't listen to us. It's tough because you can't have half a dog, but if someone REALLY doesn't want a dog in their home, the presence of one would be very intrusive for that person.

Is it possible to compromise by getting a more independent, quieter, smaller pet such as a cat? Even a pair of guinea pigs, so that the kids do get to have pets? Or what about a rabbit?

 

[SandyinAnaheim]

I am your DH in my scenario. I am a cat person, through and through. My DH is too, he has bonded with and loved the cats we’ve had since first getting together. He also had dogs growing up, and he loves dogs too. He and the kids wanted a dog. I have never cared for dogs and would rather not have one, but in the end I wasn’t going to deny my kids the experience. If it were just DH, I may have resisted since he can also bond with cats. Even though I am siding with if he doesn’t want one you really shouldn’t get one, I guess my actions speak louder than my words. I do love my DH and care about what matters to him.

IMHO, you made the right choice in allowing your kids the experience of having a dog. It really does teach them about compassion and caring for other creatures, a bit more than kitties I think, because dogs are usually more interactive.

Anyway, the old cliche ‘husband wants dog, wife does all the work’ applies here. However, DH works incredibly hard and still pitches in all over the place with the kids and house. So it makes sense that I would be the one taking care of her. Yet, after five years, I started to feel some resentment. I am not the dog-wanter yet I am the dog-caretaker. I have not bonded with her. I take very good care of her, and DH and the kids give her attention. But my tune has not changed and I would prefer to be dog-free again after she is gone. Even if DH were to manage all of a dog’s care and needs, I am still on the side that you can’t just bring a dog into a home where both parties are not on board. A dog is very much present in your life every minute of the day. They require a lot of work and attention, and they affect the environment of your home. I am the one who keeps the house and cleans, so having her has added to my housework woes. Since I am not a dog person, and have not really bonded with her, the joys of having her do not outweigh the drawbacks for me.

I feel you, I do all the work for my furkids, pay for all the food and vet bills, and clean up after them. I don't know how old your kids are, but if they are old enough to be in school, I think maybe you could recruit them to help with some of your dog-related work, thereby lessening your load. I don't think that will make you like her any more, but perhaps decrease your resentment.

I posted here thinking I was offering the ‘other side’s’ experience, but I’m not sure I arrived at a place that makes sense! I guess I don’t think it’s fair to bring a dog into a house where one spouse doesn’t want a dog because it will most definitely affect their life even if they don’t have to do any of the work. Yet we have a dog. I have been telling DH that I don’t want another dog after she is gone, and he waffles between accepting that and telling me dogs make him happy so he will always have a dog. We both love and respect each other, but this is a tough one. Maybe I compromised for so many years by having her, so we’ll go without for so many years, and then maybe we’ll have another.

Sadly, I agree that any pet shouldn't be brought into a home if all parties aren't on board. My husband is DEAD SET against cats and imagines himself allergic, which he isn't. He hates them SO much (for absolutely no reason, I might add) that I just accept that this one of those things I simply cannot enjoy while I am with him. He doesn't like birds, ferrets or fish either. If it were up to him, it would just be he and I with no other creatures sharing our lives, which is unacceptable to me.

She is a beauty, and as far as dogs go, mostly wonderful.

I agree!!! She looks like a sweetheart!

It makes me sad that you resent her, and I'm sure she feels it, even though you go through the motions of caring for her. I don't know if this will in any way soften your feelings, but for me, in my life, the only loyalty I have ever known has come from dogs. I have known emotional injury and betrayal in many relationships from parents and siblings, to friends, boyfriends and co-workers. But never from my dogs. They are always thrilled to see me and be with me no matter how I look, how much I weigh, what I said or how I think. They are my loving refuge from the world, and often the only ones there for me when everything is going wrong. I have personally never felt as loved by any human as I have by some of my dogs. I couldn't imagine living without the honest love and tenderness they provide. I'm sure I sound like a kook, but dogs have been an everpresent influence in my life, and many, MANY times, the only shoulder I felt I could lean on, so to speak. I've learned a lot about sweetness, perseverance and forgiveness from dogs.

 

[rainydaze]

Oh no, no! I don't resent Sugar, she doesn't deserve that! I started to resent my DH a little. (Even then, my resentment only goes so far as he does so much around the house and for the kids in addition to working his butt off. What prompted the resentment was something he said that indicated he didn't fully realize just how much I do for her. He needs to take that into account when he puts his foot down that we will always have a dog. Once I started naming all the things I do for her, he was a bit sheepish and backed off his stance a bit. He also took over her tick & heart worm treatment, and feeding her.) The kids are old enough to help out and they try to do stuff when I ask them to. They give her lots of love and attention and playtime so that feels balanced to me.

I'm sorry for all of the pain and difficulty you have had. I'm glad you have found comfort, love and true companionship in dogs when humans have let you down. I saw what you are talking about with my mom and Sugar. My mom had rough times growing up but dogs were her comfort and friends. She and Sugar had a special kinship that was a joy to see, but also a little confusing to me. Your insight shed some light on that!

 

[SandyinAnaheim]

@rainydaze I'm glad you understand your mom and Sugar's relationship a little better. Thank you for your kind words as well. I know not everyone feels that what dogs bring to the table is worth the work they require, but their authenticity is really such a beautiful thing! I wish that like @ceg said, you can find a middle ground as well and enjoy the special gifts she brings to your family, and that your family continues to lighten your load related to her. She's REALLY adorable.

 

[AV_]

Have you ever seen a dog desperate to please someone who just isn't interested? It is the saddest thing you will ever see.

Yes.

Every time a dog gets within ten meters of yours truly.

I can say I feel exactly the same about wolf - we've met.

I got attacked by feral dogs, but the dread came first - a phobia.

I can get to be happy in the company of a dog I know well, but it sucks the life out of me to get familiar.