What to do about husband who doesn't want dog?

[OMG]

Hi Everyone,

Myself and the kids really want to add a dog to our family... my husband has zero interest. He has told us many times that he does not want a dog and we will never get one. I grew up with dogs and knowing how amazing the bond is between dogs and families.... I want my kids to grow up with one.

Has anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it? Are we just destined to never have a family pet?

 

[chrono]

What is his reason for never wanting one? No interest means a neutral opinion to me. Never getting one signals strong negative feelings about it.

 

[mary poppins]

Did he say why he doesn't want a dog?

 

[OreoRosies86]

I once saw a picture that said "There is no love like the love between a dog and the man who said he didn't want the dog"

 

[violet3]

My sister is in this exact situation - her husband doesn't dislike dogs, he just doesn't want to care for one. They had 2 dogs before they had kids, and then also, it was really just my sister who wanted them. They ended up having to re-home the dogs when they had two babies back to back. Now, to keep the peace in the marriage, they just don't have one, but I know it makes her sad. They have a guinea pig instead, which is so not the same.

I'm not being snarky here, but I'm not sure why your husband's opinion matters more than your own or your childrens'. I think I'd politely tell him that he wouldn't be responsible for the dog's needs (feeding and walking) but that you and the children have decided to get one.

Take my answer with a grain of salt, because I wasn't able to have children, so my relationship with my husband is different than yours, which I understand. My dogs are my kids and my husband wouldn't tell me "no" on a dog, because he knows how sad I am that we don't have real human children. I recently convinced him to let me adopt our third dog (coming soon!), but if he had tried to tell me no, the dog would have just arrived here on a day he was working and he would learn to love her eventually

EDIT: My husband never had a pet in his life before he met me, and now he's he biggest dog lover around.

 

[TooPatient]

Why doesn't he want one? It sounds like he feels very strongly on this. Finding out why can help you either address those issues or understand and accept his feelings.

Adding a family member is not something that hat should be done unless ALL in the house agree. Not just agree to get the argument to be over but truly agree. It isn't fair to bring a dog to a house where a member doesn't want it. I have seen that personally and also through watching the shelters.

You might consider fostering for a rescue so he can see his concerns are addressed if it is something like not wanting to be the one taking on extra work or whatever.

 

[missy]

I once saw a picture that said "There is no love like the love between a dog and the man who said he didn't want the dog"

LOL yes this is so true.

Why doesn't he want a dog? And address those concerns and allay his fears. Good luck!

 

[baby monster]

Is he afraid he'll move down the attention list behind the kids and dog? Many men feel like wives neglect them once the kids are born. Add a dog to this and he's Nth in line to get any affection.

To bring a pet into a family without everyone's agreement is a sure way to build resentment between spouses.

 

[Maisie]

I think you have to decide if your desire to have a dog outweighs his feelings if you go ahead without his agreement.

 

[missy]

It's funny how different we all are. When my dad proposed to my mom he said his only requirement is he wanted them to get a dog and so my mom (who also grew up without any pets just like my dad) said when they get pregnant. So they did and that was the beginning of their long continued love affair with dogs and later on cats and dogs.

When my DH (who never grew up with pets) proposed he said I'll live with the kitties (I had 3) but we will live in Manhattan (I lived in Brooklyn) and lol.
Here we are with 4 cats living in Brooklyn. Both of us happy as can be.

Anyway I would explore why as I wrote in my previous post and then do whatever I could to alleviate his concerns. You both need to (IMO) be on the same page regarding this. Just like kids. You wouldn't have them if you both aren't onboard.

That dog will be yours and your family's soon fingers crossed.

 

[AGBF]

"What to do about husband who doesn't want dog?"

When I saw the above title, I thought at first that it referred to a husband who didn't want a dog you two already had. My response was going to be, "Get rid of your husband!". You can't just get rid of a dog once you have made a pact with him and he thinks he is loved. But you do not have to take one in to begin with!


I would be careful, because I do not want to see a dog made unhappy. He is helpless, unlike your husband, so I am more worried about him.

 

[violet3]

It seems that several of these posts are indirectly addressing my above post. For the record, I was kidding about bringing the dog home without consent while my husband was at work. I was not kidding about my feelings on one adult being able to tell another adult "no" to something they feel would enrich their lives. I am also not indicating that is exactly the OP's situation, I'm just stating how I would feel if my husband told me I could not get a dog.

 

[bludiva]

I think the idea of fostering or volunteering first is a good one if he's open to that. Understanding his concerns and looking for a middle ground or if they're based on something that can be worked around (too much work, too much mess, childhood incident with dogs, hates how they smell, who knows!)

My husband hated cats before we got married. He had negative perceptions based on past experiences and it took a long time for that to change. Now we have 2 cats that he totally babies. I know other people though who just really don't want pets and that's valid too. Hopefully digging into what's behind his point of view will help.

 

[madelise]

I understand and can respect someone who says “I’m not interested in a dog, so I won’t care for it or get one.”

I cannot respect anyone who commands WE are not getting one, and making the decision for anyone else.

 

[kmoro]

Please do not get a dog without your husband being on board. It’s a huge commitment. Trust me, it can have a huge impact (negative) on your relationship, and the dog will suffer, if he is unable to bond with the dog.

The time to avoid any problem is before you get the dog - not after. Please don’t do it.

 

[tkyasx78]

if he really doesn't want one, don't get one. You don't want the resentment that he will have every time he sees it.

 

[House Cat]

You get 7 cats.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I would be careful, because I do not want to see a dog made unhappy. He is helpless, unlike your husband, so I am more worried about him.

This! My mil did it twice and the second time FIL was really resenting the dog (first time he just didn't bond). Dog suffered and turned into a biter out of fear (I personally think MIL didn't really do a great job either - walking her only occasionally etc etc). I'm a dog person and was devastated for the dog. She bit three of my children in spite of my watching her like a hawk (dog was hiding under furniture without our knowledge and kids passed by / reached for something next to it) and three more people while I was present. Horrible for everyone.

 

[GliderPoss]

Get a new husband? I jest i jest.

Definitely discuss WHY he doesn't want one, is it fear based? Bad experience etc? Maybe trying fostering a dog first...

 

[dk168]

Two separate houses.

Good job we are not going to move in together as my OH does not like dogs.

We live in the same town about 1.5 miles apart, and I ferry between our two houses.

He is unlikely to come and stay at mine as he objects to the pets sleep on my bed on top of the duvet.

Good job we have a home of our own each!

DK

 

[soxfan]

There are SO many factors to consider before you get a dog. Yes, I've had one so I do know what I'm talking about

Do you travel? If you travel, it's a huge PITA if you are a dog owner. Is anyone allergic? Did you ask your husband if he is allergic? My son and I are very allergic to dogs- not sneezing, red eyes allergic, but asthmatic. I would never put my son's health in jeopardy to get a dog. Have your kids been allergen tested?

My neighbor has two labs. Had them before her kids were born. They both have constant runny noses and a constant cough and are always sick. I suspect they are allergic

I think you need to delve deeper into why he doesn't want one. The "bond between a dog and families" is great, but he is a part of your family too.

 

[elle_71125]

Story time from when I was a kid. My mom wanted a dog for a while but my dad didn’t. He already worked crazy hours supporting his family and he didn’t want to take care of a dog. There’s a lot of responsibility involved in loving and providing for an animal and he just wasn’t interested. Fast forward a couple of months and my brother and I come home from school to find a beautiful black lab. My mom, without my fathers consent, went to the pound and adopted her. She was incredibly sweet and playful...a total love bug. We were thrilled, of course, but my dad sure wasn’t. Not only did she go behind his back and get a dog but the dog was terrified of him. Every time she saw him or got close to him, she cowered and peed on the floor. It turns out she had been abused by her previous owner and was scared to death of men. My dad, bless his soul, had a total change of heart. He saw how much she was hurting and he decided to do everything in his power to help her. He spent hours, every day, sitting on the floor just talking to her. One day, she crept over to him on her belly and touched his hand with her nose. It was a major step for them both. Before long, she was laying all over him and slobbering him up with sweet doggie kisses. They had an incredible bond and you rarely saw one without the other.

Just to be clear, I am not saying to go out and adopt a dog without your husband being on board. I just wanted to show that someone who is very uninterested in having a dog just may change their mind. I think you should ask him what bothers him about having a dog. And I think you should express just how much having one means to you. I am a total animal lover and it would absolutely break my heart if my DH didn’t want pets. TBH, he’s always disliked cats but now he loves them. Sometimes people just have to open up and give something a chance. Maybe you guys could both volunteer to walk dogs at the shelter. Or puppy sit for a friend’s pooch. That’s a nice start and just might get him on board the puppy train.

 

[violet3]

Story time from when I was a kid. My mom wanted a dog for a while but my dad didn’t. He already worked crazy hours supporting his family and he didn’t want to take care of a dog. There’s a lot of responsibility involved in loving and providing for an animal and he just wasn’t interested. Fast forward a couple of months and my brother and I come home from school to find a beautiful black lab. My mom, without my fathers consent, went to the pound and adopted her. She was incredibly sweet and playful...a total love bug. We were thrilled, of course, but my dad sure wasn’t. Not only did she go behind his back and get a dog but the dog was terrified of him. Every time she saw him or got close to him, she cowered and peed on the floor. It turns out she had been abused by her previous owner and was scared to death of men. My dad, bless his soul, had a total change of heart. He saw how much she was hurting and he decided to do everything in his power to help her. He spent hours, every day, sitting on the floor just talking to her. One day, she crept over to him on her belly and touched his hand with her nose. It was a major step for them both. Before long, she was laying all over him and slobbering him up with sweet doggie kisses. They had an incredible bond and you rarely saw one without the other.

Just to be clear, I am not saying to go out and adopt a dog without your husband being on board. I just wanted to show that someone who is very uninterested in having a dog just may change their mind. I think you should ask him what bothers him about having a dog. And I think you should express just how much having one means to you. I am a total animal lover and it would absolutely break my heart if my DH didn’t want pets. TBH, he’s always disliked cats but now he loves them. Sometimes people just have to open up and give something a chance. Maybe you guys could both volunteer to walk dogs at the shelter. Or puppy sit for a friend’s pooch. That’s a nice start and just might get him on board the puppy train.

What a sweet story

 

[cmd2014]

I would not do it under the assumption that he might change his mind. Because he might not. We are currently a pet free home because DH is not interested in getting another cat, and to be honest, he wasn't the best dad to our last one. He was never abusive or anything, it's just that he never bonded with him the way I did, and it showed. It was an issue any time anything happened like illness, vet bills, litter duty, or even if the cat was acting out or wanted attention or wanted to be fed. DH would complain bitterly about how much he disliked the cat and how he never wanted him in the first place and what a PITA he was. He did agree to adopt him (it's not like I just brought him home one day), but if I am being honest, it was only because I wanted it and I pressured him. It was uncomfortable, and I have chosen to believe him this time when he says he doesn't want another one, even though I would love to have a new furbaby to love.

So I think that everyone needs to be on board for something like this to work out. It's sort of like how you shouldn't have kids if only one of you wants them...

 

[SandyinAnaheim]

@violet3 you wrote what I was thinking!! We're very much alike! I also second @elle_71125 and @AGBF.

When I moved to CA to live with my now husband, he had 3 kids an I had two dogs. When one of my babies passed away, he said maybe we can have just one for a while, as he had never had indoor dogs before (that was a red flag I didn't know enough to realize). I told him I NEED to have two babies, pets are happier with a companion while the parents are away working to put food on the table for the babies. He said I don't want a second dog, and I told him what would you want me to say if one of your kids needed to come home and live with you for a while? Would you want me to tell you I don't want one of them under my roof? That was the end of THAT discussion.

When I found Lola and brought her home, he told me she was the ugliest dog he had ever seen and that I should return her. I KNOW she's homely, THAT'S why I chose her!! No one else wanted her. Guess who has Daddy wrapped around her finger now??

 

[violet3]

@violet3 you wrote what I was thinking!! We're very much alike! I also second @elle_71125 and @AGBF.

When I moved to CA to live with my now husband, he had 3 kids an I had two dogs. When one of my babies passed away, he said maybe we can have just one for a while, as he had never had indoor dogs before (that was a red flag I didn't know enough to realize). I told him I NEED to have two babies, pets are happier with a companion while the parents are away working to put food on the table for the babies. He said I don't want a second dog, and I told him what would you want me to say if one of your kids needed to come home and live with you for a while? Would you want me to tell you I don't want one of them under my roof? That was the end of THAT discussion.

When I found Lola and brought her home, he told me she was the ugliest dog he had ever seen and that I should return her. I KNOW she's homely, THAT'S why I chose her!! No one else wanted her. Guess who has Daddy wrapped around her finger now??

Lola is absolutely adorable!!!

 

[missy]

@violet3 you wrote what I was thinking!! We're very much alike! I also second @elle_71125 and @AGBF.

When I moved to CA to live with my now husband, he had 3 kids an I had two dogs. When one of my babies passed away, he said maybe we can have just one for a while, as he had never had indoor dogs before (that was a red flag I didn't know enough to realize). I told him I NEED to have two babies, pets are happier with a companion while the parents are away working to put food on the table for the babies. He said I don't want a second dog, and I told him what would you want me to say if one of your kids needed to come home and live with you for a while? Would you want me to tell you I don't want one of them under my roof? That was the end of THAT discussion.

When I found Lola and brought her home, he told me she was the ugliest dog he had ever seen and that I should return her. I KNOW she's homely, THAT'S why I chose her!! No one else wanted her. Guess who has Daddy wrapped around her finger now??

Lola is so freaking precious!

 

[House Cat]

@violet3 you wrote what I was thinking!! We're very much alike! I also second @elle_71125 and @AGBF.

When I moved to CA to live with my now husband, he had 3 kids an I had two dogs. When one of my babies passed away, he said maybe we can have just one for a while, as he had never had indoor dogs before (that was a red flag I didn't know enough to realize). I told him I NEED to have two babies, pets are happier with a companion while the parents are away working to put food on the table for the babies. He said I don't want a second dog, and I told him what would you want me to say if one of your kids needed to come home and live with you for a while? Would you want me to tell you I don't want one of them under my roof? That was the end of THAT discussion.

When I found Lola and brought her home, he told me she was the ugliest dog he had ever seen and that I should return her. I KNOW she's homely, THAT'S why I chose her!! No one else wanted her. Guess who has Daddy wrapped around her finger now??

Lola is the cutest dog in the world. I love her face!

 

[rainydaze]

I am your DH in my scenario. I am a cat person, through and through. My DH is too, he has bonded with and loved the cats we’ve had since first getting together. He also had dogs growing up, and he loves dogs too. He and the kids wanted a dog. I have never cared for dogs and would rather not have one, but in the end I wasn’t going to deny my kids the experience. If it were just DH, I may have resisted since he can also bond with cats. Even though I am siding with if he doesn’t want one you really shouldn’t get one, I guess my actions speak louder than my words. I do love my DH and care about what matters to him.

Anyway, the old cliche ‘husband wants dog, wife does all the work’ applies here. However, DH works incredibly hard and still pitches in all over the place with the kids and house. So it makes sense that I would be the one taking care of her. Yet, after five years, I started to feel some resentment. I am not the dog-wanter yet I am the dog-caretaker. I have not bonded with her. I take very good care of her, and DH and the kids give her attention. But my tune has not changed and I would prefer to be dog-free again after she is gone. Even if DH were to manage all of a dog’s care and needs, I am still on the side that you can’t just bring a dog into a home where both parties are not on board. A dog is very much present in your life every minute of the day. They require a lot of work and attention, and they affect the environment of your home. I am the one who keeps the house and cleans, so having her has added to my housework woes. Since I am not a dog person, and have not really bonded with her, the joys of having her do not outweigh the drawbacks for me.

I posted here thinking I was offering the ‘other side’s’ experience, but I’m not sure I arrived at a place that makes sense! I guess I don’t think it’s fair to bring a dog into a house where one spouse doesn’t want a dog because it will most definitely affect their life even if they don’t have to do any of the work. Yet we have a dog. I have been telling DH that I don’t want another dog after she is gone, and he waffles between accepting that and telling me dogs make him happy so he will always have a dog. We both love and respect each other, but this is a tough one. Maybe I compromised for so many years by having her, so we’ll go without for so many years, and then maybe we’ll have another.

She is a beauty, and as far as dogs go, mostly wonderful.

 

[missy]

@rainydaze she is a gorgeous girl. My dh and I are very similar to you and your dh except I'm your dh in this wanting a dog scenario and my dh is you. And because my dh isn't completely on board with adopting a dog (though he said it's up to me and if I want to we can) I have for now shelved my desire.

We also have 4 rescue cats so adding more animals to our family while maintaining 2 homes and going back and forth with everyone doesn't make a lot of sense (at least for now) for our lifestyle. Add to this that I do not want to walk the dog at night or very early (safety reasons) then this would fall on my dh who isn't the one who wants a dog. So this is how it is right now. 4 cats we both love so freaking much and no dogs.

This may or may not change with time. We will see. I have learned that even with lots of planning things have a way of not turning out exactly as one envisions. But IMO both parties should want the fur baby in question otherwise I agree resentments can build.