What should I do?!

[Flashdance16]

Hi All,

I'm a newbie here but I've been lurking for a couple of months (and have learned A TON). My FF and I have been together for a year and a half, and I'm 99.99% sure he's going to propose before the end of the summer. At his bday party a few weeks ago his best friend and I were talking, and he told me to think about what I wanted for an e-ring and send him the specs, so I think my guy is up to something. This kind of took me off guard but I agreed. I've spent the last few weeks researching and trying on styles and I've got it figured out. I even found the jeweler that I want to make the setting!

The only problem is, in all of this research/shopping/etc I've started to wonder if this isn't something my FF and I should be doing together. I understand that he probably wants it to be a surprise, but since his friend has asked me to send him what I want I feel like the element of surprise is kind of gone. I have no idea what his budget is, and knowing him he'll be completely willing to blow it just to make me happy. I don't want him to do that. Should I bring up the topic and suggest we do this together (meaning I can tell him what I want, we can design the setting together, and he can select the centre stone) or should I just keep the charade up and hope that what I'm asking for isn't way over his budget?

 

[Queenie60]

It's not a surprise since his best friend gave it away to you. I would come clean with your boyfriend and let him know that you're aware of this. I feel that since you know about the "surprise" you should not hide it from him. Not nice of his best friend to give it away and not a good way to begin a marriage with secrets; and I'm sure that it gives his friend the impression that you're willing to hide things from your future husband. I hope that his friend did not have ill intentions and just blabbed too much.

 

[Flashdance16]

Thanks so much for your reply! Shortly after I posted I just got that feeling, the one where you know what the right thing to do is. I know that I should talk to my boyfriend and come clean. If it's occupying my mind this much then it's clearly something we need to discuss. I definitely appreciate the second opinion though! I don't think his friend had any ill intentions - I think my boyfriend asked his friend and his friends wife how to figure out what I'd like and they said they would help him. His friends wife brought the topic up at a Super Bowl party but I thought she was just speaking abstractly. Once his friend asked me the same thing I started to think the three of them had hatched a plan. Siiiiiighhhh he should have just asked my Mom!

The more I think about it the more this is something I want us to do together. We make all of our big plans and decisions together. Why not this one too?

 

[elizabethess]

Hey Flashdance16!

I think you’re on the right track, it’s usually good to listen to your gut if it’s telling you something. (Mine is telling me time for a bagel, haha) I tend to think your line of reasoning is probably correct, he is planning something, asked people to feel you out and now that's where you are. My SO was kind of clumsy about it, too. Note to all future proposers out there. It is impossible to casually question someone about their e-ring preferences,

You're right, it is a big purchase. And is sounds like you want to be a part of it. As I’m sure you know, from lurking, everyone does it differently! Some are very involved, some less so. It’s up to each couple to figure out what’s right for them. And there are ways to communicate, yet still preserve an element of surprise, if that’s important to you/your FF. Think about what’s important to you, and what you can compromise on, then talk to your boyfriend! To me, it seems like you have brought up two issues you should consider.

1. How much input will you have in the selection of the ring’s style? This can range from none to handing him the specs of exactly what you want, or even finding and ordering it yourself. Lots of grey area here.

2. More importantly (in my opinion) how can you get a better sense for and feel comfortable with the budget. I’m noting that you mention you don’t have any idea what the budget is, you're a little uncomfortable suggesting things without knowing if you're on target, and you don’t want him to blow money thinking it will make you happy. So you need more info! Money can be tough to bring up or talk about, but it’s actually really great to practice talking about this stuff, because these are super important marriage-level conversations and skills you will need to have as you build a life together. What you actually decide to discuss is, again, up to you and your boyfriend. The goal is to know enough to feel comfortable about the purchase. That may include knowing his exact budget, pricing things together, offering to pay for some if what you want is more than he planned for, or maybe even just requesting, “I don’t feel comfortable going into debt for this” or “I don’t feel comfortable spending more than XX for this.”

To give some examples, this is how my own discussions about these things have worked for us so far.

--He is in charge of ring buying and proposing. I'm pretty non-traditional and don't expect that, but he wanted to do it that way, and I was ok compromising. We both are clear that we are ready to commit, and we've had talks so I have a clue he may have already purchased the ring but I don’t know for sure and any proposal will be a surprise. I am on board with this. Even though I’m terrible at being patient

--He learned many of my preferences by taking me to a B&M store to try out different metals, settings, sizes on my hand so that he had a general framework for my style. We both kept circling back to a couple different three stone settings, and discovered I like a lower setting, white metal, I’m fairly color sensitive, I don’t care so much about inclusions as long as the diamond is sound, .75ct center stone, give or take .25, looked best for me, and from there he is putting something together.

--I don’t know the exact ring budget, but I am comfortable leaving it in his hands because I am confident we have the same priorities. At this point in our relationship we have had many frank conversations about our finances and how it will work if we get married. He knows I get anxious about big purchases. He knows I would be uncomfortable with a ring that cost more than a certain amount. He reassured me he had been saving, he would not go into debt, and any money spent wouldn’t negatively impact our future savings (these are my priorities!) so I feel ok not knowing the money details.

Good luck!

 

[Flashdance16]

Thank you so much Elizabethess, your response summed up exactly how I'm feeling and confirmed so many of the thoughts I'm having. Everything you said in the last paragraph rang true for me, and I've realized that the budget is what is concerning me the most. I would feel horrible if he spent a ton on the ring, or even spent outside of where he is comfortable, and as you said I do not want him to go into debt over this. There are more important things coming up in the future that we need to be financially sound for. I'm going to talk to him later tonight and hopefully we can get this process started together. It sounds like you and your guy are on the right track, and I'm sure that after we talk my boyfriend and I will be too! Thanks again!

 

[lmcriss]

Hi Flashdance!!!

Congratulations on your upcoming engagement!!

Like all of these ladies have commented (especially Elizabethess, who put it so eloquently), talking about large purchases and financial decisions are major subjects. Soon, hopefully, your finances and your debt will more than likely be combined. It's good to talk about it. I understand about him wanting to keep an element of surprise, and your not wanting to ruin it for him. If your gut is telling you to have a conversation about it, than think of a way to delicately bring it up. Plus, if you're thinking that you might like to have a bigger role in the decision making process... there isn't any reason that he can't still surprise you with the proposal. I know I'm a few days late on this post, but please let us know how your conversation goes!!

 

[xbeth04]

I would totally start dropping "strong" hints of what you like if you think he wants to surprise you. If you guys haven't had the talk then you have to be either very sneaky with your hints or just straight up point him in the direction you want him to go. Some tips of being sneaky lol, talk about your favorite fashion ring and tell him about how it does/doesn't fit and that your planning to get yourself sized properly. I would also start liking lots of things on Instagram and Pinterest. Lots of luck

 

[Flashdance16]

Hi All!

First off I would like to thank each and every one of you for your replies! I truly appreciate all the kind words and advice. I decided to sit down with my boyfriend this Saturday as we had nothing planned for the day and I figured it would be a good time to have a relaxed conversation. I started out by asking him if he had asked his friends to help find out what kind of ring I wanted. Well, the look on his face said it all. I have never seen him look so blindsided. Turns out he never asked them for help, and when I explained what his friend had said to me he looked even more shocked. This was not the answer I was expecting, and I was definitely disappointed after spending 2 weeks obsessing about rings. I was holding back tears of disappointment and he was angry and frustrated that his friends had crossed the line, not to mention upset because I was upset. Not exactly the conversation I had expected. The silver lining to all of this is that we ended up having a really good talk about where we're going as a couple. He said that he is absolutely planning to propose, but that he wants to wait until we're both 100% ready to be married. I told him that I was not trying to pressure him or give him a timeline, but that I didn't want to be having this conversation a year from now. He assured me that we wouldn't be. He also said that when the time comes he will absolutely ask me what I would like, and that I can be as involved as I would like in choosing the ring. So, although it was definitely a different conversation than I thought we'd be having it put my mind to rest and made me even more sure that he's the one for me. We have a lot coming up in the next few months (a new puppy, a niece or nephew on the way, and vacation plans for the summer) so I have plenty to look forward to and get excited about!

As a side note he had a very stern conversation with his friend the next day and told him to stay out of it and toe the line. He was very apologetic and promised to mind his own business!

 

[lmcriss]

Oh wow! What a crazy turn! I'm sorry you're a little disappointed, but are you feeling kind of relieved at all? It sounds like a really productive conversation and like you guys are great at communicating with each other which is so important! Plus, it sounds like you have so many wonderful things planned for this year! Have fun, and I hope you stay on the page! You're still a LIW, and now you more time to do research and figure out what you would like so that when you guys do have the conversation about what kind of ring you would like you'll know exactly what you want and know for sure that you'll be a part of the process!!! Happy dust to you Flashdance!!!

 

[elizabethess]

Ugh, that friend!!

I'm sorry that wasn't the conversation you were expecting to have. But, it sounds like you got a productive conversation out of it, which is great. And now you know when the time comes you can be as involved as you'd like, which is what you wanted, and less of a worry than what you thought was happening! I'm very happy for you, for that And, puppies and babies and vacations are all awesome, exciting things coming soon!

And again, UGH STUPID FRIEND

 

[mary poppins]

Hi, Flashdance! Just seeing this thread now, so a lot has happened since you started it.

What in the world were his friends thinking?! I guess they are excited and happy for both of you and look forward to your relationship progressing. Something to be said for boundaries, though.

Well your conversation with FF definitely took a different turn than expected, but it provided a lot of clarity for both of you and established timing expectations, so that is all great progress and bodes well for your ability to communicate which is important. I'm glad to see that he is receptive to including your input on diamond design and you will have the fun you wanted in ring shopping together.