What is the source of pettiness?

[nala]

If you have ever found yourself being petty, how did you check yourself so that you wouldn’t engage in petty behavior? I mean. We can only control our own actions, but how do you control your emotions when toxic people are constantly making comments or behaving in a way that makes you FEEL petty for being bothered?

 

[LemonMoonLex]

When ignoring it & walking away or leaving is an option, that's the way I go! At my age I don't accept or deal with toxic negativity. There's no reason why I have to have that in my life!

I also think that being petty can serve you if it teaches or gets through to someone who's being irrational and irate.

 

[nala]

When ignoring it & walking away or leaving is an option, that's the way I go! At my age I don't accept or deal with toxic negativity. There's no reason why I have to have that in my life!

I also think that being petty can serve you if it teaches or gets through to someone who's being irrational and irate.

I would have to cut out my entire family to avoid this toxicity, which I will admit I’m not ready for. Even with the pandemic, they find ways to antagonize me. Even though we keep a social distance, they love to text me or send messages through my mom. Sometimes I suspect that my mom is in on it or that she enjoys the drama.

 

[LemonMoonLex]

I would have to cut out my entire family to avoid this toxicity, which I will admit I’m not ready for. Even with the pandemic, they find ways to antagonize me. Even though we keep a social distance, they love to text me or send messages through my mom. Sometimes I suspect that my mom is in on it or that she enjoys the drama.

If it's really bad to where it's causing you depression or anxiety or is causing you to lose time where you could have been productive, I'm sorry to say but it might be best to distance yourself even further? We can always build our own families although I know cutting off anyone that you have an ounce of love for is hard! Have you tried telling your mother that you'd prefer not to hear about them or speak to them through her? Whatever the situation is I hope that you can set your foot down and that things get better for you!!

 

[marymm]

I change the nature of the game - they are looking to rattle me and upset me, and I am not even thinking about them let alone looking at/listening to them ... except in the way I may "listen" to strangers who are talking to one another within my hearing ... since the strangers don't know me, I don't accord any personal significance to what they say. Since what they say doesn't matter to me, they can say whatever they want ... and for some particular people I've learned that "setting the record straight with facts" is not helpful and is actually counter-productive.

When I find myself reacting in a petty way, I am disappointed in myself and do what is necessary to stop my own behaviour -- I leave, I go to another room, I take a walk, I start a conversation with someone else, I remember that God is listening and watching me.

In the end, what I do and say matters to me; what others do and say is their business; and my reaction to them, my own conduct, is well within my own control.

I consider pettiness to be a form of poison.

 

[monarch64]

We all have toxic traits. The key to personal growth is being able to recognize those and do the work to change those things about ourselves. A lot of things stem from unhealed childhood trauma and/or our attachment style. (Google “attachment theory,” it’s fascinating stuff.)

I’ve felt petty or bothered by people over the years. Didn’t have anything to do with them, and everything to do with me. I learned that when I feel that way, triggered basically, I have to stop and figure out what it is inside ME that’s making me have that reaction. Why do I care? What does it matter? Why does it matter?

I’ve spent the past 9 months getting over a breakup. Believe me, I went through a lot of feelings of pettiness and insecurity and anger and ugh this is so unfair. But I refused to give my former partner the satisfaction of breaking down or doing stupid attention seeking things. I just went no contact and worked on myself and anything I thought I had done to contribute to the demise of the relationship so I don’t engage in those behaviors again. And that’s all I can do—work on me.

As far as toxic people, I just don’t engage once I identify their toxicity. I’ve worked with clients who get angry and love to yell and scream and express their frustration over shit that absolutely doesn’t matter, and I just stay quiet, let them vent, and make a plan to move on when I have loose ends tied up with that project. Personally, I have family members who are insanely toxic and refuse to take responsibility for anything, instead blaming me and others for all of their stress. So I don’t pick up the phone when they call, instead force them to text because it causes them to read and check their words first before blurting out stupid shit. I don’t visit as often. I reject gifts that I know have strings attached. I just won’t play their reindeer games, period. Doesn’t change them or their behavior necessarily, but it keeps me from losing my shit and being petty right back.

 

[1ofakind]

I also have a toxic family. My mom has passed but she was the worst of the bunch. They will argue/complain/offer opinion about anything. I admit to sometimes arguing ridiculous things even when I knew there was no point but that happens VERY rarely and usually when I am already in a bad mood....weakened resistance. I usually try to redirect the conversation. Someone wants to complain to me about my BIL....I tell them to talk to my sister about her husband...I will only listen to complaints about my own husband. None of them have the guts to actually talk to people upfront so that ends the conversation. If my sister wants to tell me what my aunt said about me....I do not listen. If Aunt wants to say something to me she is welcome to call or text me herself but I do not take second hand messages. But she never calls so I never have to deal with it.
I use this type diversion a lot. Don't complain to me, don't gossip to me, don't talk to me about things that are not my business. That covers about 70% so then I only have to deal with the 5% of relevant stuff and 25% utterly stupid and nonsensical stuff.
Oh, I also don't tell them things they can use against me. They know very little about what goes on in my life. Whatever they say or think about me I do not take personally.

I agree with not playing their games. I do not engage when I know what they are up to.

It took me years to get good at this and years to 'train' them that I wasn't going to play. They still try, but not nearly as much as they used to. They don't call much because they don't get what they want from me. I call my dad at least every few months to see if he is OK but we don't have any kind of real relationship.

 

[Queenie60]

I refuse to participate in petty behavior. Being a cancer survivor, I let things roll off of my back. If I can't control it, I let it go. And I refuse to participate in gossip or repeat anything I hear. My motto "it's not my story to tell." Life is much more peaceful and enjoyable when not dealing with other peoples "sh.......***t.

 

[kenny]

... how do you control your emotions when toxic people are constantly making comments or behaving in a way that makes you FEEL petty for being bothered?

Cut toxic people out of your life, family or not.
Block them on your phone and don't answer when they knock on your door.
You do not have to explain yourself.

It is you who has given them the power to drive you nuts.

 

[dk168]

Ignore the comments, if they don't get the hint then distance myself from them.

I have no time for such people.

DK

 

[missy]

I have learned valuable lessons over the years. And maybe most recently this one. It takes time sometimes to internalize wisdom but I finally think I have mastered this piece of advice. Do not let toxic people get to you. Walk away. Ignore. Do not engage.

The most recent example was the last time I had to deal with this behavior from someone I thought was a dear friend. That's OK. With each valuable life lesson and disappointment one learns. And I finally have. Do not engage. Turn the other cheek. Take the high road. Walk away. Ignore. Sometimes it is harder to do if they are around but once one masters it it's relatively easy.

We all have real life problems and it is the wise person who doesn't let other people's issues become your problem if you kwim. It's on them and has little to do with you. So just ignore and don't engage and be cool.

Remember you cannot control their (toxic or otherwise) behavior but you can control your reaction to them and their behavior and if at all possible remove yourself from their toxicity. If you cannot entirely remove yourself from the situation for whatever reason you can control how you feel/react. That is everything.





@nala I take away their power over me and feel at peace by doing so and no longer do their petty actions and behavior trouble me. It takes some time to get to this point but once you are there you are there. This particular person tried to poison others against me. My true friends saw through those actions and it can take some time but I always give people the benefit of the doubt til it is so evident who they are I no longer need to. Once someone shows me who they are over and over I get the picture if you kwim. It can be challenging because despite it all I want to believe the best in everyone. But at some point one gets it and it is freeing to be able to move on and forward and surround oneself with true friends. That is what life is about. Connections. And I want my life to be filled with love and peace not hate and pettiness and venom. At this stage of my life I am surrounded by true friends and loving people with whom I have real connections. That is everything.

 

[dk168]

I ex-communicated from my own sister back in 2002 as I found her toxic and unbearable.

Just because we are blood related does not mean I have to put up with her antics and put downs, or have anything to do with her.

DK

 

[nala]

If it's really bad to where it's causing you depression or anxiety or is causing you to lose time where you could have been productive, I'm sorry to say but it might be best to distance yourself even further? We can always build our own families although I know cutting off anyone that you have an ounce of love for is hard! Have you tried telling your mother that you'd prefer not to hear about them or speak to them through her? Whatever the situation is I hope that you can set your foot down and that things get better for you!!

It’s not as bad as depression or anxiety. It does reach the point of annoyance at least once a week—which means that at least once a week I need a venting session and poor hubby is an angel for allowing me to do that.

 

[seaurchin]

I think it comes down to damage control.

For ex., if they pop up and make you miserable whenever they need a stupid little ego boost or whatever their problem is, cut off access. Don't answer their calls but only reply by text or email, and then only when and how you decide to. Cut back the frequency and duration of visits. If you especially dread holiday visits, make other plans. Carefully limit what information you share with them.

You might end up cutting them out of your life completely but that would only be if and when you're ready to.

Googling about dysfunctional family systems (such as scapegoating) will probably make it clear to you what exactly is going on and how to remove yourself from your assigned role. I find it also kind of fascinating to read about. Therapy can also be invaluable. Good luck.

 

[nala]

I change the nature of the game - they are looking to rattle me and upset me, and I am not even thinking about them let alone looking at/listening to them ... except in the way I may "listen" to strangers who are talking to one another within my hearing ... since the strangers don't know me, I don't accord any personal significance to what they say. Since what they say doesn't matter to me, they can say whatever they want ... and for some particular people I've learned that "setting the record straight with facts" is not helpful and is actually counter-productive.

When I find myself reacting in a petty way, I am disappointed in myself and do what is necessary to stop my own behaviour -- I leave, I go to another room, I take a walk, I start a conversation with someone else, I remember that God is listening and watching me.

In the end, what I do and say matters to me; what others do and say is their business; and my reaction to them, my own conduct, is well within my own control.

I consider pettiness to be a form of poison.

What really resonated with me is that you have learned how fruitless setting the record straight with facts can be. I think that is the source of my pettiness! It’s hard for me to go along with falsehoods for the sake of getting along! And yes, I don’t bother to dispute with facts anymore—I don’t give them the satisfaction of a reaction. Since I ignore them, I resort to a venting session in which i analyze my annoyance. While this reaction puts me in a bad mood, I think it helps to keep my grounded and living in reality. I think that I’m afraid That if I don’t bother to analyze my feelings, I’ll become delusional as well. Then I get upset for allowing them to even annoy me. Vicious cycle. And here’s the thing, the more that I ignore them, the harder they try to annoy me.

 

[nala]

We all have toxic traits. The key to personal growth is being able to recognize those and do the work to change those things about ourselves. A lot of things stem from unhealed childhood trauma and/or our attachment style. (Google “attachment theory,” it’s fascinating stuff.)

I’ve felt petty or bothered by people over the years. Didn’t have anything to do with them, and everything to do with me. I learned that when I feel that way, triggered basically, I have to stop and figure out what it is inside ME that’s making me have that reaction. Why do I care? What does it matter? Why does it matter?

I’ve spent the past 9 months getting over a breakup. Believe me, I went through a lot of feelings of pettiness and insecurity and anger and ugh this is so unfair. But I refused to give my former partner the satisfaction of breaking down or doing stupid attention seeking things. I just went no contact and worked on myself and anything I thought I had done to contribute to the demise of the relationship so I don’t engage in those behaviors again. And that’s all I can do—work on me.

As far as toxic people, I just don’t engage once I identify their toxicity. I’ve worked with clients who get angry and love to yell and scream and express their frustration over shit that absolutely doesn’t matter, and I just stay quiet, let them vent, and make a plan to move on when I have loose ends tied up with that project. Personally, I have family members who are insanely toxic and refuse to take responsibility for anything, instead blaming me and others for all of their stress. So I don’t pick up the phone when they call, instead force them to text because it causes them to read and check their words first before blurting out stupid shit. I don’t visit as often. I reject gifts that I know have strings attached. I just won’t play their reindeer games, period. Doesn’t change them or their behavior necessarily, but it keeps me from losing my shit and being petty right back.

Why do I care? What does it matter? Why does it matter? I’m going to focus on these questions. Kudos to you for working on yourself!

 

[nala]

I also have a toxic family. My mom has passed but she was the worst of the bunch. They will argue/complain/offer opinion about anything. I admit to sometimes arguing ridiculous things even when I knew there was no point but that happens VERY rarely and usually when I am already in a bad mood....weakened resistance. I usually try to redirect the conversation. Someone wants to complain to me about my BIL....I tell them to talk to my sister about her husband...I will only listen to complaints about my own husband. None of them have the guts to actually talk to people upfront so that ends the conversation. If my sister wants to tell me what my aunt said about me....I do not listen. If Aunt wants to say something to me she is welcome to call or text me herself but I do not take second hand messages. But she never calls so I never have to deal with it.
I use this type diversion a lot. Don't complain to me, don't gossip to me, don't talk to me about things that are not my business. That covers about 70% so then I only have to deal with the 5% of relevant stuff and 25% utterly stupid and nonsensical stuff.
Oh, I also don't tell them things they can use against me. They know very little about what goes on in my life. Whatever they say or think about me I do not take personally.

I agree with not playing their games. I do not engage when I know what they are up to.

It took me years to get good at this and years to 'train' them that I wasn't going to play. They still try, but not nearly as much as they used to. They don't call much because they don't get what they want from me. I call my dad at least every few months to see if he is OK but we don't have any kind of real relationship.

Omg. You just described my lovely family. I’m sorry. I guess I need to keep training them. Ugh.

 

[nala]

I refuse to participate in petty behavior. Being a cancer survivor, I let things roll off of my back. If I can't control it, I let it go. And I refuse to participate in gossip or repeat anything I hear. My motto "it's not my story to tell." Life is much more peaceful and enjoyable when not dealing with other peoples "sh.......***t.

I find it admirable And inspiring that you are such a strong person. Your post really puts things in perspective. Thank you.

 

[nala]

Cut toxic people out of your life, family or not.
Block them on your phone and don't answer when they knock on your door.
You do not have to explain yourself.

It is you who has given them the power to drive you nuts.

I guess that I’m looking for a solution that doesn’t involve cutting everyone off but rather, that involves working on me so that I don’t feel anymore. I think this is where I am in this journey at this very moment.

 

[nala]

@missy, I’m sorry you had to go through that experience. But as always, thanks for your words of wisdom.

 

[nala]

I ex-communicated from my own sister back in 2002 as I found her toxic and unbearable.

Just because we are blood related does not mean I have to put up with her antics and put downs, or have anything to do with her.

DK

Antics and put downs—yup—sounds very familiar. Good for you for knowing when to move on. I’m not quite there yet—although I’m reluctant to examine why.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

Omg. You just described my lovely family. I’m sorry. I guess I need to keep training them. Ugh.

Are they just nuts? Can you write them off as being nuts?

My family make the most ridiculous claims. Claims that I no longer take seriously because they are either deliberately baiting me with wacky tales or are just plain crazy.

For instance my mother tells all our relatives that I've a had nose job but refuse to share who the surgeon is because I don't want her to also get a nose job and compete with me. I've had relatives visit me in the past and ask me about my nose job. I seriously considered giving details of an arbitrary plastic surgeon for fun.

Do you care because secretly you wish they were sane? That one day they could be sane and interact with you like normal?

I was there at one point and then they just got more and more ridiculous until it was all so bizzare you just had to laugh sometimes.

 

[nala]

Thanks @seaurchin, will do!

 

[nala]

Are they just nuts? Can you write them off as being nuts?

My family make the most ridiculous claims. Claims that I no longer take seriously because they are either deliberately baiting me with wacky tales or are just plain crazy.

For instance my mother tells all our relatives that I've a had nose job but refuse to share who the surgeon is because I don't want her to also get a nose job and compete with me. I've had relatives visit me in the past and ask me about my nose job. I seriously considered giving details of an arbitrary plastic surgeon for fun.

Do you care because secretly you wish they were sane? That one day they could be sane and interact with you like normal?

I was there at one point and then they just got more and more ridiculous until it was all so bizzare you just had to laugh sometimes.

Omg! About your nose job! Lmao. You should totally give them a name!
Yes. This!!! Their ridiculous claims, their disconnect from reality—all are so convenient and only apply to them! The thing is, they are sooo quick to scrutinize the facts when others share info—they conspire how to respond to put others down or to make them feel inferior. I know how they operate so why do I still FEEL annoyed! What if I just laugh it off? Why can’t that be enough and I think deep down I just wish they were normal. Maybe it’s a fear that I have of ending up like them?

 

[lyra]

I also cut out my only living relative, my sister, in 1999. So I'm good with my side of the family. But DH's siblings, oy vey! They are being extremely hurtful and petty right now to my DH, regarding fighting over "inheritance" items. I'm trying to help him deal with it.

I have no attachments to material items. I got nothing at all from my dad when he passed, nor from my mom when she passed. So I had to learn to just move on. It's harder for him. He won't have open conversations with his siblings, or his mom because he doesn't want to get into any confrontations. It must be harder for very sentimental people.

 

[missy]

@missy, I’m sorry you had to go through that experience. But as always, thanks for your words of wisdom.

Thanks Nala. It is ok. I grew as a person dealing with that adverse situation. It was relatively recent too. 2018 IIRC. Surprising I hadn’t experienced that kind of duplicitous behavior before but I guess I was lucky. She was never a real friend but a fake one.

Glad it’s behind me and I’m wiser for having gone through it. I bear no ill will towards her because that would only hurt me. I wish her well and glad to be done with that relationship.

 

[Gussie]

The source of pettiness is the insecurity of the petty.

 

[nala]

The source of pettiness is the insecurity of the petty.

Don’t you think it’s more complicated? Like. When you are living your own life, minding your own business, and then drama unfolds on you just because you disagree with someone’s version of reality? So if I was more secure in myself, I would have to just go along with falsehoods? Doesn’t it take more security to stick to your truths, regardless of whom you upset? What haven’t I learned yet?

 

[Gussie]

Don’t you think it’s more complicated? Like. When you are living your own life, minding your own business, and then drama unfolds on you just because you disagree with someone’s version of reality? So if I was more secure in myself, I would have to just go along with falsehoods? Doesn’t it take more security to stick to your truths, regardless of whom you upset? What haven’t I learned yet?

As a disclaimer, I didn't read the entire thread so I am probably missing specifics.

I do agree with your statement about not going along with falsehoods. I have found that people are much more open to realizing a falsehood though if I respectfully stick to the truth without pettiness. I think that pettiness undermines the strength of ones conviction.

I am sorry you are dealing with jerks!

 

[House Cat]

I like to ask myself why these thing bother me, sure. Sometimes, this isn’t the real issue. Sometimes people design their actions for a reaction. They need that sort of negative attention. There really are people on this planet who enjoy hurting others and they can be our family members.

The question isn’t why can’t I tolerate this, the question is, why am I tolerating this? You don’t have to cut them out of your life but you can ignore their texts. I get a certain satisfaction out of not engaging with people who are intentionally trying to get a reaction. It feels powerful to me. I’m protecting my peace.