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What is the most challenging issue you are dealing with right now?
- Thread starter Missy
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On Tuesday morning my wife's little sister gave birth to a healthy little boy.
What is making this so difficult is that nobody knew except her, and she was in denial. She didn't look like most women do when pregnant as she was gaining weight everywhere, she did no pre-natal checks or learning, she had to learn as she was doing it and my wife and I have been there to support her despite some crap that has happened in the past between us. We've gotten together everything she needs at first but this episode has been exhausting, but more importantly and above everything else; I am sick of us cleaning up the messes my wife's family get themselves into. Every 6 months it seems either they are homeless because my MIL cannot keep it together for more than 3 months to pay her rent, or some other emergency that we have to throw out the safety net and dump cash into because they can't do it themselves. It's my wife's instinct to help when she feels they are in need but I feel they put themselves in that position knowing that my wife is always there. That stops literally as of today when she drives her sister and baby home from the hospital.
That's the most challenging thing I am facing right now and it's driving me crazy. I haven't spoken much about this here but I have devoted 6 years of my life to helping look after that family and my patience has run out completely.
What is making this so difficult is that nobody knew except her, and she was in denial. She didn't look like most women do when pregnant as she was gaining weight everywhere, she did no pre-natal checks or learning, she had to learn as she was doing it and my wife and I have been there to support her despite some crap that has happened in the past between us. We've gotten together everything she needs at first but this episode has been exhausting, but more importantly and above everything else; I am sick of us cleaning up the messes my wife's family get themselves into. Every 6 months it seems either they are homeless because my MIL cannot keep it together for more than 3 months to pay her rent, or some other emergency that we have to throw out the safety net and dump cash into because they can't do it themselves. It's my wife's instinct to help when she feels they are in need but I feel they put themselves in that position knowing that my wife is always there. That stops literally as of today when she drives her sister and baby home from the hospital.
That's the most challenging thing I am facing right now and it's driving me crazy. I haven't spoken much about this here but I have devoted 6 years of my life to helping look after that family and my patience has run out completely.
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Jordy decades ago my oldest brother (druggie/criminal) was constantly in crisis or in jail.
My sister twisted herself into a pretzel to fix/take care of him.
He'd take advantage and rob her, over and over.
Everyone else in the family gave up on him and moved on, but there was no limit to my sister's forgiveness and charity.
He ended up getting himself murdered in jail by ratting on a guy in the Mexican Mafia.
(Never do that.)
I don't know who took the better path, my sister or everyone else.
Just saying.
Sorry, this is no help.
But I get it.
It's stressful when a loved one/family is messed up.
If you cut the cord then you have to deal with the guilt.
Some people suck.
Then you die.
Hope this helps.
Oh, I wonder why I'm so jaded and sarcastic.
My sister twisted herself into a pretzel to fix/take care of him.
He'd take advantage and rob her, over and over.
Everyone else in the family gave up on him and moved on, but there was no limit to my sister's forgiveness and charity.
He ended up getting himself murdered in jail by ratting on a guy in the Mexican Mafia.
(Never do that.)
I don't know who took the better path, my sister or everyone else.
Just saying.
Sorry, this is no help.
But I get it.
It's stressful when a loved one/family is messed up.
If you cut the cord then you have to deal with the guilt.
Some people suck.
Then you die.
Hope this helps.
Oh, I wonder why I'm so jaded and sarcastic.
For your DH, outofthefog.net. Its a information of all kinds, including a tool box and a forum.
He should start with the informational section, look through the tool box, and then hit the forum.
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@kenny it makes you wonder whether what you are doing is helping sometimes and I am convinced that my wife's instinct to put everything else on hold is destroying her ability to have a normal life as something serious like this happens multiple times a year.
@Calliecake we will be there for him but it's a matter of not enabling my SIL at the same time, she will take any advantage to manipulate people and us exactly like her mother in that regard.
@azstonie thank you, will check it out.
The only PS person who really knew what was happening up until now is my PS bestie @PintoBean and she's had to put up with my frustration and anger over everything. I might seem like a happy, carefree guy and all but I have had my issues to battle over the years.
@Calliecake we will be there for him but it's a matter of not enabling my SIL at the same time, she will take any advantage to manipulate people and us exactly like her mother in that regard.
@azstonie thank you, will check it out.
The only PS person who really knew what was happening up until now is my PS bestie @PintoBean and she's had to put up with my frustration and anger over everything. I might seem like a happy, carefree guy and all but I have had my issues to battle over the years.
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That's exactly what I have said Kenny and we are working on it from here; we had basically started to 'sever the cord' recently however this episode has sent my wife running like she used to. She knows that from here her sister has to make it all work and we can't be there to pick up the pieces every time she fails like we have with her mother. Our lives have to go on so we can have our own family!
So exhausted and the weekend is already half over here in Australia, bring on the xmas work break so I can sleep for half of it...
So exhausted and the weekend is already half over here in Australia, bring on the xmas work break so I can sleep for half of it...
GK2
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We received the news this week that my husband’s cancer has not responded to any of the chemo drugs they have tried. This means they won’t put him through the ordeal of a stem cell transplant as it won’t have any benefit
I got him home after he fell, only for him to fall backwards and head first down the full flight of stairs at home two days later. How he didn’t fracture his skull or neck or cause anymore damage to his spine, I have no idea.
He has a fractured right shoulder which means he is completely immobile. I’m waiting for a stairlift to be fitted and then we can consider getting him home from hospital
On Thursday his consultant and nurse specialist talked to us and advised it’s time to ensure his affairs are in order, consider what letters or voice messages he might want to leave for our son for significant moments in his life, and also whether he would want to be resuscitated.
I’m broken....
I got him home after he fell, only for him to fall backwards and head first down the full flight of stairs at home two days later. How he didn’t fracture his skull or neck or cause anymore damage to his spine, I have no idea.
He has a fractured right shoulder which means he is completely immobile. I’m waiting for a stairlift to be fitted and then we can consider getting him home from hospital
On Thursday his consultant and nurse specialist talked to us and advised it’s time to ensure his affairs are in order, consider what letters or voice messages he might want to leave for our son for significant moments in his life, and also whether he would want to be resuscitated.
I’m broken....
GK2
Rough_Rock
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Thank you x
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Wow, I'm so very sorry to hear about everyone's troubles. Sending many hugs, strength and positive vibes. Your stories are so heartbreaking.
I'm just dealing with anxiety, insomnia and panic attacks. I had a daughter in 2005 who lived for an hour and a son in 2010 who lived for 9 days. It's so long ago and most of the time I'm fine, but I get so sad from time to time. I try not to think about it.
I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer in 2011 and I'm still dealing with the pain of the mastectomy and reconstruction. Not to mention fatigue and brain fog sad
My dad has dementia and it's so hard. He can't be left alone and is dependant on my mom for everything.
A few months ago my sister's bf beat her so bad her brain swelled and almost a third of it had to be cut away. She just woke up last week and my heart hurts so much I can't go see her. I'm so scared.
My niece, daughter of above sister, left my mom's house when she turned 18 and we haven't heard from her since. She was 3 months from graduating high school. This was 2 years ago. Every where I go, every person I see living on the street, I look to see if it's her. I think of her everyday and pray that she's okay.
Dizzyakira, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping your sister will be OK. I am so sorry for all the heartache and trauma you and your family are going through. (((Hugs))).
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Jordy I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your family. Your wife of course means for the best (as you do) for her sister but I agree that all she is doing is enabling her and making her dependent on you two for survival.
I know it sounds harsh but my advice is to cut the cord and let her make it on her own. As long as she knows you and her sister will pick up the pieces she won't do what she needs to do to get her life together.
You and your wife deserve a good and happy life and aren't the caretakers of her family. It's one thing to be there for your (her) family and quite another to allow them to take over and destroy your lives.
ETA I see I agree completely with Kenny in this situation. So I am just going to ditto his post.
Don't get into or stay in an unhealthy situation. Sometimes the kindest thing to do for the person is allow them to learn how to survive and be self sufficient and make it on their own. Obviously the other way isn't working. Remember the definition of insanity.
Good luck Jordy and (((HUGS))).
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GK2 I am so so sorry. I am keeping you and your dh and your family in my thoughts. You are doing everything you can for your dh and it is good that he will be at home surrounded by his loved ones. Hoping he isn't in any pain. Sending you gentle hugs and love.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth35
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I feel for you. I have been in a similar situation with my late brother and we are currently dealing with DH's adult nephew (47 years old!).
DH was very wise when it was going on with my brother. He sat me down and told me he was fine with whatever $$ I wanted to give---but do it knowing it will never be paid back. And to understand that it goes from appreciation to entitlement in the time it takes the ink to dry on the check. He told me that giving $$ will pretty much guarantee they will come back asking for more and at some point I would have to say No.
We decided how much time and $ we were comfortable with.
I am a giver by nature but I have had to learn to set boundaries---as you and your wife are.
Here are some of my coping mechanisms:
-Don't immediately answer the phone when they call--let them leave VM. Gives you time to think.
-Tell people you have to sleep on it (sometimes I say I have to pray on it---this REALLY shuts them up). You will give them an answer tomorrow.
-Politely explain that you have only X amount of $ budgeted for family help. Put a real dollar value out there.
-Spend some time with the offender discussing future plans, work goals, etc. How are they going to get out of this situation? What social services are available to them as opposed to you and your wife? We did this with DH's nephew----he no longer asks us for $.
S
smitcompton
Guest
Hi Jordie,
I think your wife feels important to be able to help her family. If this comes at the expense to your own family and plans, then it ought to curtailed. But, IMO, you ought to be clear on when you will help.(to yourselves) Families do need each other.
In this case, a young women, seemingly frozen in her ability to accept her pregnancy, IMO does need your help. Help is not always money. Social Service agencies may be able to provide her with a lot of help with the baby. Get in touch with the father of the baby, or his family to share some of the issues. You or your wife do not have to take on the burden, but some help is needed, for I believe shes plain scared. She may be stupid and irresponsible, but still needs some aid.
Each Christmas I find a stranger to give $100.00 to. May I give that 100.00 to this new baby? I don't know how to send it to you, so help me figure it out. Its quite an appropriate Christmas gift.
The other family members, grownups, must take care of themselves. No funds. You can just say , we have no extra money to spare, sorry. You are falling behind in your own life plans. Don't allow it.
I like the above suggestions from Elizabeth. They are good strategies.
Annette
I think your wife feels important to be able to help her family. If this comes at the expense to your own family and plans, then it ought to curtailed. But, IMO, you ought to be clear on when you will help.(to yourselves) Families do need each other.
In this case, a young women, seemingly frozen in her ability to accept her pregnancy, IMO does need your help. Help is not always money. Social Service agencies may be able to provide her with a lot of help with the baby. Get in touch with the father of the baby, or his family to share some of the issues. You or your wife do not have to take on the burden, but some help is needed, for I believe shes plain scared. She may be stupid and irresponsible, but still needs some aid.
Each Christmas I find a stranger to give $100.00 to. May I give that 100.00 to this new baby? I don't know how to send it to you, so help me figure it out. Its quite an appropriate Christmas gift.
The other family members, grownups, must take care of themselves. No funds. You can just say , we have no extra money to spare, sorry. You are falling behind in your own life plans. Don't allow it.
I like the above suggestions from Elizabeth. They are good strategies.
Annette
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Well said, Anette!
mYour generous offer made me feel so much better about humanity today!!!
I couldn't stop thinking about this post.
Babies are are little wonders, but also need a lot of patience, love and affection. Even in the best of circumstances, the first few months are challenging (to say the least). It seems to me that this will be even more difficult for your sil . The baby is completely innocent and needs to be protected.
If you want to avoid drama / know that a socal worker would be resented out of pride, what about contacting a midwife? In my country they go into every family to check on mom and baby in the first few weeks.
If they see /are made aware of the fact that there's need for help, they are trained for this.... just a thought.
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@GK2 I am so sorry. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. I hope you have family and friends close by who can help you. Please know we are here for you if you need to talk. Hugs
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Thank you @missy and @Elizabeth35 and yes the plan is to take a step back and try to live our own lives from here, it has always been instinct for my wife to help them but it has gotten to the point where it is unhealthy and affecting not just our marriage but her ability to have a normal relationship with anyone else.
We want to be in our little nephews life of course but we have told our wife's sister she is a mother now and has to figure it all out to make everything work now. We aren't there to wipe her bum anymore.
And thank you Annette (@smitcompton), because of how this has all happened there is a social worker who will be monitoring her and the mid wives also make house visits - all part of our tax-funded healthcare system. There is also a volunteer youth service that had been helping her for the last few months as well due to her mother abandoning her and her brothers after making them homeless (yet another situation we came flying in to rescuse them out of).
I'm tired, I need a holiday.
We want to be in our little nephews life of course but we have told our wife's sister she is a mother now and has to figure it all out to make everything work now. We aren't there to wipe her bum anymore.
And thank you Annette (@smitcompton), because of how this has all happened there is a social worker who will be monitoring her and the mid wives also make house visits - all part of our tax-funded healthcare system. There is also a volunteer youth service that had been helping her for the last few months as well due to her mother abandoning her and her brothers after making them homeless (yet another situation we came flying in to rescuse them out of).
I'm tired, I need a holiday.
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@GK2 there are simply no words, so just know that I'm sending gentle hugs and prayers and hope that your DH isn't in any pain.
@jordyonbass Wow! What a tough situation to be in. I'm glad that a social worker is involved. Hopefully that will take some of the pressure of of you and your wife, while ensuring that your nephew is properly cared for. I can only imagine how emotionally exhausting this is for you! You are a good guy to support your wife (and her family!) this way!
@jordyonbass Wow! What a tough situation to be in. I'm glad that a social worker is involved. Hopefully that will take some of the pressure of of you and your wife, while ensuring that your nephew is properly cared for. I can only imagine how emotionally exhausting this is for you! You are a good guy to support your wife (and her family!) this way!
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I know that some people wont like this suggestion but is there any option for finding the baby a good stable family that is looking to adopt? Sounds
like it might be in the best interest of the baby.
On the other hand, I have seen where a baby really makes someone clean themselves up and start doing the right thing for the baby and themselves.
With any luck that will be the case in this situation. I agree with others that say you need to sit down with your SO and put it in writing what you
are willing to provide. If the SIL is not doing what she should be doing then the social worker should step in (you shouldnt have to).
I'm so sorry you have been put in this situation...you are between a rock and a hard place. You and your wife need to set your boundaries. You should
be able to be the fun Aunt and Uncle and not the part time care takers/providers who really have no say so in the situation.
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Jordy, your wife is fulfilling the role in her family that she was born for. It goes *that deep.*
By the time therapy to heal that can work, her fertile years will have passed, or come darn close.
Its time to move away from the parasites. If your wife is unwilling, then you have a decision to make. I'm guessing you are young enough to remarry and have your own family, not remain in your role as parent/host to her family members.
By the time therapy to heal that can work, her fertile years will have passed, or come darn close.
Its time to move away from the parasites. If your wife is unwilling, then you have a decision to make. I'm guessing you are young enough to remarry and have your own family, not remain in your role as parent/host to her family members.
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@tyty333 we thought that it would be best at first however after seeing him I am not a that I would be able to sleep knowing he has gone into care when people could have stepped up but were too selfish not to. I feel like he deserves a chance to at least get to know his Uncles and Aunt, even if the rest of the family is not exactly GQ.
@azstonie we're considering it as it may be a last resort, however I do not want to separate my wife from her family completely. One of my best friend's has a brother who married and had a kid, his wife banned everyone from the husband's family from seeing their kid. I wouldn't ever do the same thing, but I want their relationship to be healthy. You know, see each other once or twice per month socially, major occasions etc. Every time my wife sees her family they seem to need something and she doesn't think about it, she just does whatever to fix that issue for them which inevitably makes it our issue. But she knows I have had enough of their dependency on us and I am not dealing with it anymore pretty much as of today.
@azstonie we're considering it as it may be a last resort, however I do not want to separate my wife from her family completely. One of my best friend's has a brother who married and had a kid, his wife banned everyone from the husband's family from seeing their kid. I wouldn't ever do the same thing, but I want their relationship to be healthy. You know, see each other once or twice per month socially, major occasions etc. Every time my wife sees her family they seem to need something and she doesn't think about it, she just does whatever to fix that issue for them which inevitably makes it our issue. But she knows I have had enough of their dependency on us and I am not dealing with it anymore pretty much as of today.
hi Jordy: The move would be beneficial for the marriage----discover new place together is fun and bonding. It changes the focus. Plus, you will be viewed in a new community without the shadow of the in laws. I wasn't thinking in terms of removing her from her family. Phones, planes,c etc.
Something is not aligned in the marriage if your own family unit takes second place, your own babies deferred, money consistently going outside, etc.
As you've pointed out, its not sustainable.
The needy ones cry pretty tears after they've wrecked your finances and your marriage. They are *so sorry,* but you'll note they don't stop needing your help/attention/money/etc. They only stop when you have nothing left.
They have a mental list of prospects and they always have plan B.
Something is not aligned in the marriage if your own family unit takes second place, your own babies deferred, money consistently going outside, etc.
As you've pointed out, its not sustainable.
The needy ones cry pretty tears after they've wrecked your finances and your marriage. They are *so sorry,* but you'll note they don't stop needing your help/attention/money/etc. They only stop when you have nothing left.
They have a mental list of prospects and they always have plan B.
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