What is ready?!

[UnderBlue]

When I''ve talked to my boyfriend about getting married, he says he wants to, and to me, but he''s not ready yet. I know that *should* be enough for me and I *should* be understanding, but I really can''t wrap my head around "ready."

If there are things I''m not doing, it''s becasue I don''t want to or because I can''t. If I said I wasn''t ready for something, I think I would have a reason. If he had a reason, then I think I could understand better.

But there aren''t financial issues, he''s never said anything about wanting to do something before getting married or needing to sow his oats, he''s not waiting for a promotion or for one of us to finish school, we haven''t been having any kind of major issues, etc.

In my head, I can''t help thinking, "what''s the problem?" or wondering if he thinks he wants to get married, but doesn''t actually.

 

[misskitty]

Honestly, it could be a *lot* of different things, and more likely than not, a combo of several factors. Sometimes people aren''t good at describing things like this, and so maybe he has a reason but can''t quite articulate it?

I''ve actually had several conversations with my SO about this, and it took a lot of weirdly-phrased questions to draw out that his idea of "having all of his ducks in a row" and thus being ready for marriage involves a combo of several things, including some that I had never expected/he had never mentioned prior to that conversation. You mentioned in your post that there weren''t any financial issues, but maybe your SO has some goals that he hasn''t brought up yet? I learned that mine not only wants to save up enough for a ring, but for most, if not all, of a wedding before he feels financially "ready" to propose (also, I remember someone mentioned in another thread that she was worried about her guy not being emotionally ready to propose, but that once he felt secure in his career, things just kind of clicked into place). I''m definitely not suggesting that this is the only answer, but maybe there''s some "block" that is entirely out of your control, and things will naturally shift from not-ready to ready once that goes away. Hell, I have a friend who (on principle) won''t propose to his girlfriend until his 30th birthday passes. It''s totally arbitrary, but in his mind, that switch has to be flipped first.

Sorry for the rambling. It''s the middle of the night, and I''m still awake from an energy drink that I had to get me through homework!

You''re definitely not alone in wondering about this, though!

 

[Lozza]

Date: 10/29/2009 4:57:43 AM
Author: misskitty
Honestly, it could be a *lot* of different things, and more likely than not, a combo of several factors. Sometimes people aren''t good at describing things like this, and so maybe he has a reason but can''t quite articulate it?


I''ve actually had several conversations with my SO about this, and it took a lot of weirdly-phrased questions to draw out that his idea of ''having all of his ducks in a row'' and thus being ready for marriage involves a combo of several things, including some that I had never expected/he had never mentioned prior to that conversation. You mentioned in your post that there weren''t any financial issues, but maybe your SO has some goals that he hasn''t brought up yet? I learned that mine not only wants to save up enough for a ring, but for most, if not all, of a wedding before he feels financially ''ready'' to propose (also, I remember someone mentioned in another thread that she was worried about her guy not being emotionally ready to propose, but that once he felt secure in his career, things just kind of clicked into place). I''m definitely not suggesting that this is the only answer, but maybe there''s some ''block'' that is entirely out of your control, and things will naturally shift from not-ready to ready once that goes away. Hell, I have a friend who (on principle) won''t propose to his girlfriend until his 30th birthday passes. It''s totally arbitrary, but in his mind, that switch has to be flipped first.


Sorry for the rambling. It''s the middle of the night, and I''m still awake from an energy drink that I had to get me through homework!

You''re definitely not alone in wondering about this, though!

Not sure if that was a post of mine or not, but that''s what happened to me. I was ready about 3 years ago, and my SO kept saying he wasn''t ready but never explained why. Then he turned 30 and got a promotion, and all of a sudden he was ready (although he''s spent the last year saving for a ring!). He said he didn''t realise what the problem was, but he was miserable in his job and wasn''t earning very much. He didn''t want to be a husband until he felt he was able to support me.

It still upsets me a little that he wasn''t ''so head over heels'' that he wanted to marry me straight away, but that''s just not who he is.

 

[UnderBlue]

So I just talked to my BF about marriage stuff. (I''d been wanting to but had been trying not to so I didn''t seem like a pain in the ass.) He said in a year, which I took to mean he''d ask in a year and then a year-ish from then we''d get married, but I asked some other things and he means married in about a year.

And he mentioned how when we were on our recent vacation there was one time when he wished he had a ring to give me so he could have asked then. He said he seems to only think of those things at the time or afterward, not ahead of time. And he''s mentioned times before he''s thought about asking me and just hasn''t. He doesn''t know why he doesn''t but he''s thought about it and knows he wants to marry me, so that''s not it.

So a bit of progress, and feeling a bit better about it.

 

[misskitty]

UnderBlue, that''s great news! It looks like you won''t be on our list long, then

 

[lilyfoot]

UnderBlue, that sounds like great progress! Hopefully, he will stick with that timeline.

Have you guys ever been ring shopping, or looked online at rings?

 

[UnderBlue]

We haven''t been ring shopping. We kind of looked around when we were getting anniversary presents for each other, but none of the rings fit me and I was told they only come in that one size (I''m a size 8 at least which I know is larger) so I got a bit discouraged.

That was just at one of the malls here. I''ve definitely been looking online. I went through about 80 pages of Etsy rings the other day and bookmarked some of the ones I like. I''d always told him he doesn''t need a ring (partially b/c I''d like to help pick it) and I checked with him last night if he''d want us to get something so he''d have it when he picked a time and he said only if I wanted to have something right then, which I don''t think I need.

So I''ve been looking a bit more and asking Etsy sellers questions about their pieces.

Bit more exciting now, since he seems ready to get married, it''s just getting things in place. We talked a bit about what we''d want our wedding to be like, and we were on the same page and he had some cool ideas.