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What have I just done

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maggiemai

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 16, 2007
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11
Hi
This is my first post, and really I think I have become obsessed, I feel like I’m going mad.
My boyfriend and I got together when we were very young 17 & 18, we were totally in love and stayed together for 5.5 years.
We broke up for 3.5 years and got back together nearly 2 years ago, I am now 28, after all the ups and downs of our relationship we are totally happy since we got back together, and I feel that the time apart was the best thing for us at the time, it gave us time to grow up and experience life apart. It was my boyfriend who came looking for me when we got back together he told me he had never stopped loving me. When we got back together first my boyfriend mentioned getting engaged in a couple of months, delighted as I was, I wanted to make sure that we were not getting caught up in the excitement of getting back together so I didn’t say no I just said that I wanted us to enjoy the time we were having together and not to rush into anything.
After a year I knew that we were together for the right reasons and I was totally in love. Since before Christmas I was thinking of getting engaged, and I was quiet disappointed when my birthday passed and nothing, although I knew in my heart that there wouldn’t be any proposal as we are buying a new house, and he had mentioned that he wanted to finish the house first. He has told me many times that he wants to marry me, and our most recent conversation he mentioned that he didn’t want a long engagement, and that he would like to get engaged and married early next year…. The thing is, I would like a bit longer to get used to the idea that we are getting married and enjoy being engaged for more than a few months, this would give me time to organise the wedding etc… I feel like its just dragging on and I would like to get engaged now and set a date and organise the wedding for a years time… what if he doesn’t propose and this time next year I’m sitting here with the same problem and not knowing either way, its not fair I like to plan things and know what is happening in my life. so I have been looking at e rings online, I know he wants to surprise me and he wont let me pick it out first or even know when he is going to propose if ever, its just so frustrating. He has never so much as asked me what kind of ring id like or even looked in shop window with me, so I get scared that it will just never happen.
I had been thinking about ways of hinting to him…a thing I thought id never do, and I ended up sending him an email of a PowerPoint slide show with a selection of rings I love on it with the message Babes this will help you, if you ever want to buy me one of these some day! ……………………… now I’m totally afraid, there was no response, I don’t know how he will take it… but I just don’t want to spend another month/ year going mad not knowing and I also don’t want to end up with a ring I don’t like. Should I have done this?????????,
 

Hudson_Hawk

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 2, 2006
Messages
10,541
The two of you have been together for a long time. You should be able to sit down with him face-to-face and have this discussion. Jokes only get you so far with guys, sometimes you just have to take a risk and be direct.
 

maggiemai

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 16, 2007
Messages
11
You are right, we should be able to talk about it like we do about everything else, it’s just that up until now I just wanted to wait and be surprised, mainly because I thought he wanted to do the whole surprise thing, and that if we discussed it, it would take the surprise element out of it. But I’m not a very patient person, and the longer it goes on the more impatient I get.
 

Mara

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 30, 2002
Messages
31,003
okay so you didn't want to sit down and talk to him about it so you wanted to leave a small HINT...which resulted in you putting together a POWERPOINT PRESENTATION on rings and sent it to him? that's like WAY out of the frying pan and into the fire. lol.

a small hint to me is like leaving ring pictures around the house with a heart drawn around it or something like when you are flipping through a magazine and sitting together with him on the couch going 'oooh look at this beautiful new ring design'...


but a powerpoint presentation says 'lots of thought went into this as well as time' and even though you said 'if you ever want to think about it'...it's quite obvious YOU are thinking about it and quite a lot! maybe he doesn't know how to respond?

i'd address it and immediately. you kind of already stuck your foot in it so now you have to talk it out with him and see what his thoughts are. personally i think that no one should be tiptoeing around these kinds of discussions, esp if you have been together a long time and have discussed marriage, be up front and open about it, it's your life too. and you can still be surprised but get some sort of idea on what he is thinking for timeline. though i really would love to see what he says about the powerpoint, hehe.

good luck!!
 

maggiemai

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 16, 2007
Messages
11
I’m sitting here laughing at the thought of first me putting together a PP presentation on e-rings, and then him sitting through it. I should have clarified this…. I say it was a slide-show, it was literally a 10sec clip, where he clicked on an icon it automatically opened,and 5 images of different rings flashed up and then it closed. Still a bit mad I know, but we often e-mail with jokes, and things I am thinking of buying stuff for the house etc, its not that bad (I hope). The effect I was hoping for was that he would open it. Laugh but take the hint…… he has sent me a message asking what time I get home at..so he has not gone running to the hills Thank God...YET
 

larussel03

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 22, 2005
Messages
1,747
hahaha, I did something like this and my FI didn''t respond. Later I asked him if he saw it and he said yes, but then he said that he didn''t want to respond b/c he wanted to keep it as secret as he could. Plus, he thought I wasn''t looking for a responce, just showing him (um, HELLO, I like responces even to emails I write just to say "hi" haha)
 

firebirdgold

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 30, 2005
Messages
2,216
Yeah, my e-ring emails sorta dissapeared into the void as well.
Ah... welcome to the stubborn male pre-engagement hell.

Don''t feel too bad if your normally great communication totally fails in the face of a pending engagement. That was the one topic my fi and I just couldn''t communicate about. It was pretty dreadful.

Some men are just very attached to the idea of the proposal (which includes the e-ring) is all in their thing.


Ok, your first line of attack is to get the guy to understand how freaking long it takes to plan things. Sure it''s possible to do it in a few months, but those are usually non-traditional and very stressful experiences. Many venues book a year out, partic for the more popluar dates. It can take 4 months just to get the dress you''ve ordered. Music, officiants, etc all book up so quickly and so far in advance. And that''s not even including the time it takes to find and decide on things!

The thing is, women just know that... men have no freaking clue as to how long it takes to plan a wedding. So the first thing to do is to explain very carefully how long these things really do take.

Another possiblity is to attempt to explain to him that the lack of control over part of your life and future is driving you bonkers. Modern women are used to making decisions about their future from very early on, and this engagement as a surprise that the guy does is kinda archaic.
Good luck with that one btw! It''s a good idea, but it didn''t have much effect for me. I eventually decided that it was a lesson in sharing control that would be useful for marriage.


Even though communication is ugly on this topic, I''d try being honest about your feelings. (But boil things down to the underlying issues, don''t get distracted by rings at first or that''s all he''ll hear). Tell him you feel insecure and like you have no control over your future. (which is scary) Tell him that you need a year to six months to plan the wedding. Tell him you need some kind of timeline even if it''s vauge.
And tell him that you''d like to go window-shopping for rings together so he can get an idea of what''s out there and what looks good on you. Stress how romantic that would be, and that there would be no buying done, and that the decision is still his. That did work for me.

Another suggestion, pre-plan your wedding. It helps with the stress and uncertainty.


Good luck, and sorry for the uber-long post!
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
I so don''t get all the big "surprise" thing with engagements and especially the ring. My brothers GF wants him to surprise her with a ring, but without any input from her. He suggested a proposal without and then going shopping together - but she said no, I need something sparkly to wear straight away. I think she''s nuts - I mean you have to wear this for the rest of your life. even worse, she doesn''t wear rings so there is no way my brother can even find out her ring size - and she doesn''t want the slightest mention of it because that will "ruin" the surprise.


These days a couple should be able to talk these things through and to be honest if a man doesn''t KNOW that she will say yes, he shouldn''t really be asking!

Surely the surprise should be the exact how of the proposal and not all the other bits? Would he let you choose him a car?
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
11,242
Date: 2/16/2007 10:40:35 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
The two of you have been together for a long time. You should be able to sit down with him face-to-face and have this discussion. Jokes only get you so far with guys, sometimes you just have to take a risk and be direct.
Hudson_Hawk is 100% correct. You met him 10+ years ago and the two of you are nearing 30--you shouldn''t be torturing yourself with wondering, just ASK him! Besides, you know that he wants to marry you, how bad could his reaction to your PP show be? It''s not like you met the guy three months ago and sent him ring ideas out of the blue. Don''t tell me you actually believe that this could send him "running for the hills"?!

Anyway, if you want to know how he reacted, ask him. Odds are he simply didn''t mention it because he still wants to maintain as much an element of surprise as possible. No big deal. Don''t let it drive you crazy!
 

basil

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 27, 2006
Messages
1,526
Before I got engaged, my then-boyfriend had made comments about how he wanted the proposal and the ring to be a surprise. One day I was thinking about it, and surfing some sites and came across something I really liked that was pretty nontraditional, since I thought he would be worried about the cost. I emailed him saying something along the lines of "I know it''s not time yet, but when you decide it is, this is similar to what I want", and included hints about how to go about getting it. He replied back saying "Are you really sure you don''t want a nice diamond, because I would rather get a diamond if that''s what you really want". That email opened up a discussion about what we both wanted in an engagement ring, budgets, timing, etc. We started shopping soon afterwards. I think in my case, he was probably thinking about it and was intimidated by the process, and therefore receptive to the idea of talking about it and getting some strong ''hints'' on what I wanted.

Sometimes being direct and nonsubtle can work. You never know.
 

Cehrabehra

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 29, 2006
Messages
11,071
Date: 2/16/2007 10:40:35 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
The two of you have been together for a long time. You should be able to sit down with him face-to-face and have this discussion. Jokes only get you so far with guys, sometimes you just have to take a risk and be direct.
yes!! they are not all the most intuitive lugs around and marriage is so much better once you get over the notion that they''ll instinctively know what you want when you want it LOL

Sit him down and say, "I''d like to get engaged soon so I can enjoy that phase for a year or so, I''d like to pick out a ring with you and then have you keep the ring and think of some great way to surprise me with it in the next few months" That''s direct as heck and gonna get you everything you want :)
 

tulip928

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 4, 2006
Messages
695
Hmmmmm . . . You are buying a house together - I guess I'm old-fashioned, but I would think you would at the very least be engaged first when you make *that* legal committment (especially since the two of you know you are going to get married)! I know, I know . . . . I'm from another place in time!
My point is - I think it was a good move of you to send him your ideas on the ring.
 

maggiemai

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 16, 2007
Messages
11
Thanks for all the advice, I do really appreciate it, I have had time to think over the weekend, and put things in perspective, we spent yesterday working on the new house, and the amount of work that needs to be done is huge, alot of this is being done by my boyfriend and his dad to save money it literally is months of work and hundreds of thousands of pounds, we are both living with our parents to save money until the new house is done, so I tend to get anxious. My BF did not directly mention the email I sent him, but I feel better that I sent it, he knows me and how it was intended…. So whatever happens happens…. I need to calm down, my BF is very practical and his first priority is getting the house done so we have somewhere nice to live, so maybe in six months time !!!!!!
 
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