- Joined
- Mar 22, 2017
- Messages
- 1,131
Somehow you manage repeatedly to say the most tone-deaf, judgemental, and narrow-minded things. It's amazing to watch, frankly. I have no hope at this point that you'll ever manage to see the world as it is nor develop the capability to walk a mile in others' shoes, so I'm not really responding to you, but with the hopes that there are others reading this thread.
I was raised as a white girl in an upper middle-class home by two university-educated people with professional backgrounds. They were also deeply disturbed. My childhood was filled with constant emotional and physical abuse - and trust me, with a doctorate-level research psychologist as a father, he had the knowledge to come up with some doozies in the psychological abuse department. There was also violence - mostly toward me, from my parents and my older brother - as well as sexual abuse, emotional and physical abandonment, alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, and mental illness in several family members (resulting in the suicide death of my grandmother, who was one of only two people I ever encountered in my childhood who treated me with kindness). The shining moment came when my father literally tried to choke me to death in front of my mother because - get this - I dared to read a book sitting in a chair that didn't have a lamp next to it. Now, somehow in spite of this, I worked hard in school, got good grades, never got into trouble, and earned scholarships for a nearby university. By the time I reached the end of my time getting my degree, though, I was hardly able to function from multiple diagnosed chronic illnesses as well as a heaping dose of inherited mental illness in the form of depression, every anxiety disorder possible, OCD, and ADHD. My body was utterly breaking down from the chronic cortisol release of the accumulated stress of 22 years of this. In addition, I had literally no healthy social skills to form friendships or professional relationships. I desperately wanted to be loved, but had no idea how to have a healthy romantic relationship. This led to repeated relationships where I was taken advantage of, stolen from, abused, and eventually raped. I managed to finish my degree, summa cum laude, but under constant threat from my family doctor of hospitalization for the state my body was in. I entered therapy, which I've pretty much been in nearly constantly since then, and have worked hard at it. I've journaled. I've meditated. I've gone to support groups. I've done plenty of (fruitful) time in Al-Anon. I've learned so much and grown so much. 30 years later, I'm in a healthy marriage with a good man. And I have worked as hard as I could to be productive in society, to do good work in my day jobs and in my musical career, but you know what? I've not been successful. And I literally tried as hard as I possibly could. But the combined complete lack of any real self-confidence despite hard work in therapy, effects of mental illness despite treatment, side effects of the medications for the mental illness, and continued chronic illnesses - all of which are stress-induced, per more than one doctor - have left me essentially disabled in terms of career earnings or conventional measures of success. All of this is to say one thing to you: hard work and force of will is simply not always enough and I'm sick to death of people like you spouting off that it is, and judging without knowledge the circumstances of other peoples' lives.
Trust me, I would love it if that old trope were true. I've worked my ass off, at my schooling, at my career, at my recovery from the damage done to me as a vulnerable child, at learning to have healthier relationships, at taking care of my body. I've been commended by professors, peers, doctors, and therapists for how hard I work. I believed for years that if I just kept at it, I would eventually be able to have a reasonably normal life. But you know what? My big payoff is that, so far, I've not become a drug addict, an alcoholic, a prostitute, a criminal in prison, or dead - like many of the people that have experienced what I have. And I am grateful for that, but I've still needed help. Help to afford my medical care. Help to pay my bills. Hard work wasn't enough on it's own. And that is with having white privilege in my corner! (Although I certainly have had to do battle with male privilege.)
Look, I'm sincerely happy for you that you have been able to work very hard and rise above your initial circumstances to build a good life. I by no means wish to take any credit for what you have achieved away from you. I'm equally happy for the others you have known who also have managed to build good lives for themselves. BUT - YOUR EXPERIENCES DO NOT EQUAL EVERYONE ELSE'S! Do you have any clue how difficult it can be for someone to grow up in circumstances like mine in addition to dealing with a system that is stacked against them because of their race, gender, gender identity, sexual preferences, or physical appearance - things they had no choice in whatsoever? Did it occur to you that maybe there was a certain measure of genetic luck for you and the others you mentioned that your particular physical health and capabilities were less affected by the stresses of your childhood or of prejudices that have to be dealt with daily than some of the rest of us?
It is long past time for you and others like you to come down off that judgemental high horse of yours.
) 
300x240.png)