What does the in-laws think of your Ering?

[TracyBear]

Just curious, what does your in-laws think of your E-ring?

I was nervous about the price range for our ring because I've never seen my MIL wear a diamond ring in all the years that I've known her. She has one, but is so low maintenance that she rarely ever wears it. I didn't want her to think that I'm high maintenance and certainly didn't want to outshine her so it was really tricky choosing a size small enough that it's not offensive towards her but large enough for my taste. To date, she has never seen my ring in person, but she said that it's lovely from the photos. My FIL is super sweet. He told my man that I'm not cheap so the ring should reflect that. Hahahaha. My SIL is happily married to a wealthy man who purchased her a fancy shaped diamond 3X the size of mine. Of all people, I wouldn't think that she would have issues, but she does. Before, we got along great and she even purchased $100+ shoes for me. Then my man bought our diamond which she felt uneasy with and haven't spoken to me since. It's so awkward that people in the family at least congratulate us on the first day that we got engaged, yet months have gone by and she haven't said a word to me. I even approach her and told her that I'm open to addressing whatever concerns that she might have, but she just said that she'll talk about it later but never did. As the days wears on, it seems like a lost cause. The whole thing seems foolish. Not that I could afford it, but I wonder how much more she'll hate me if I ever upgraded my diamond to one larger than hers!

 

[Niel]

they couldnt care less!

when we announced our engagement, which was the first time any of them had heard it was coming, or what the ring looked like, we announced it at thanksgiving. There was a lot of people there. Everyone was happy and hugging us and asking to see it, except his mom.... his mom didnt even ask to see it or hug us or anything. I went up to show her and she kind of ignored it, half looked at it, and then turned away saying it looked nice.... i dont know why she didnt care, because we are very friendly, but when it came to our engagement she couldnt gave a hoot.

his dad isnt the kind of person who would care...... so that was ok.

his sister was interested enough i guess, not as much as others, but she pretended to be. But when shes talking about other peoples rings she says things like "oh i dont need a big stone...." "shes not diamond person " with the undertone that caring about diamonds is materialistic and petty.... so thats cool

his brother quite liked it, he was very nice and thinks its pretty (both of the once i had lol )

 

[Circe]

Tracey ... do you think it's the diamond or the commitment she has a problem with?

Me, my in-laws seem to think it's hilariously funny, but in a nice way: they're from a culture that doesn't do e-rings, like, at all (plain gold band for engagement, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe a small five-stone for the wedding band). When we first visited post-engagement, all my husband's friends kept calling him "carat and a half guy" and wanting to gawk at it like it was the Hope Diamond. Flattering, I guess, but embarrassing, especially since that's nothing out of the ordinary from where I'm from. I was a tad nervous wearing my anniversary ring five years later, but nobody noticed, because, honestly, bling just isn't on their radar.

On this next visit, I am torn between wearing a 6-carat-ish vintage paste ring I found just to see if it registers, or sticking to my new Van Craeynest setting with its .25 tourmaline to seem less outre. I have two weeks to decide ....

 

[TracyBear]

Tracey ... do you think it's the diamond or the commitment she has a problem with?

My man told me that she was ignoring him too because she didn't feel that it's right for us to purchase something that expensive. She's just looking out for her brother, which I get. It seems silly because as a wife, she loves to be spoiled by her own husband, so why would I be any different?

My man's previous girlfriend baked his sister cakes and tried really hard to win her affection. She also recorded his sister's surprised engagement and made a music video out of it for her. Still his sister never liked that girl. I've never had the time to do anything that personal for his sister so it was really surprising that she liked me when her brother and I started dating. But all of a sudden when we got serious, she begun to think that I somehow forced him into things. She couldn't understand why a man would sustain a long distance relationship for years, let alone want to marry the girl. Naturally, she told my MIL that my man must have impregnated me and had no choice but to seal the deal. I found her assumption to be really offensive. It's been 2 years since we started talking about marriage and I still have not popped out this baby she speaks of.

 

[peacechick]

Neither my parents or my in-laws had engagement rings so I guess they think its really nice I even have one. My parents didnt as it wasn't common among Asians back then, and my in-laws were the type who bought a dress and went to City Hall, never mind engagement, My parents had gold wedding rings but they were stolen in a burglary soon after the wedding and never got around to replacing them.

I guess my generation must seem extravagant to them...

 

[arkieb1]

Tracey ... do you think it's the diamond or the commitment she has a problem with?

My man told me that she was ignoring him too because she didn't feel that it's right for us to purchase something that expensive. She's just looking out for her brother, which I get. It seems silly because as a wife, she loves to be spoiled by her own husband, so why would I be any different?

My man's previous girlfriend baked his sister cakes and tried really hard to win her affection. She also recorded his sister's surprised engagement and made a music video out of it for her. Still his sister never liked that girl. I've never had the time to do anything that personal for his sister so it was really surprising that she liked me when her brother and I started dating. But all of a sudden when we got serious, she begun to think that I somehow forced him into things. She couldn't understand why a man would sustain a long distance relationship for years, let alone want to marry the girl. Naturally, she told my MIL that my man must have impregnated me and had no choice but to seal the deal. I found her assumption to be really offensive. It's been 2 years since we started talking about marriage and I still have not popped out this baby she speaks of.

Wow, isn't that speaking volumes about her.... She is obviously somewhat jealous and threatened both by your ring and by your relationship with your partner. I know its better to all get along in families but the fact it is fine for her to wear a large rock and not fine for you to wear a smaller one is childish and petty to say the least. I don't believe in wearing clothing, jewellery or anything for that matter to "please" family members, or to live up or down to fit other people's expectations. Life is short. Wear what you want and find happiness from within.

 

[CharmyPoo]

My in-laws don't care nor do they really care about all the diamonds I buy. I also pay for all my own stuff and make my own dough so they have zero concerns that I am taking advantage of their darling son.

As the oldest out of a family of 4 siblings ... I can relate. My brother's girlfriend is real sweet but the 3 girls in the family (ie. me and my sisters) sometimes doesn't think too hot of her. It's not because she isn't a nice girl but there are thoughts of her taking advantage of our brother expecting him to get her nice things and he spoils her (because he wants to). We wanted a practical girl for him who wouldn't want fancy diamonds and clothes - love him for him and that's it. Someone who would be practical enough to rather save for a bigger home or a rainy day rather than expect him to get a "larger" ring. We are just protective.

 

[Missy]

Reading some of the replies here has made me feel a bit disappointed. What happened to feeling happy if your sibling/family/loved ones are happy? Why do so many people have to project their feelings onto others? I cannot help but think part of that is motivated by feelings of insecurity or even (dare I say it) jealousy.

When my dh and I were dating and it was obvious we were in it for the long term his mom and one of my SIL's were so jealous they did what they could to sabotage our relationship. I am not exaggerating. My SIL wrote letters to my dh (bf at the time) saying all sorts of ridiculous things. I still have those letters and she actually denied them to my dh as recently as 2 years ago LOL. Did she think we forgot? Luckily for me my dh loved me enough and was bright enough to see through their jealousy and call them out on it.

Both his mom and SIL had a very close relationship with my dh and leaned on him for most emotional support. Though my SIL should have used her husband (my dh's brother) for that role they didn't (and still don't unfortunately) have the best marriage so she depended on my dh for that. Inappropriate to say the least. And similarly for my MIL as she is a widow and was used to having my dh there whenever she needed him and in her mind there was no room for me in that scenario.

I am sharing this to explain how people's own selfish behavior can color all perception of a prospective spouse to the detriment of the happiness of the couple in question. When you love someone you want the best for them and you don't add your (mis)perception of the relationship because the only 2 who really know about the relationship are the 2 in the relationship.

Along a similar vein, to answer your question Tracy, why should you care about what others think about your ER? It is b/w the 2 of you and if you guys are pleased why does anyone else's opinion really concern you? Life will be difficult if you start catering to others concern about what goes on in your relationship if you kwim.

My advice to well meaning (my SIL is not included in this category) family members who are concerned about their loved ones and their prospective spouses/SO's is to really think about why you are concerned. Don't you trust your loved ones to make decisions that make them happy? Are they adults that can support themselves financially and emotionally? Can they not be allowed to make their own mistakes as that is really the only way one learns what they need in life. Does your interference really add value to their lives and relationships or do you perhaps have other motives that you consciously might not even realize? And lastly, is it really your business anyway?

Sorry for the long post Tracy and the threadjack- I thought it relevant to the discussion and just wanted to add my opinion on this general topic of caring what other family members think about what goes on in your relationship. It sounds like your in laws (not including your SIL in this because from your description I question her motives but ofc cannot say definitively because I am not in your relationship with her obviously) are lovely people and you are lucky to have them in your life. Just remember boundaries are critical to healthy relationships IMO.

 

[Rhea]

I don't think they care and I can't recall that I've ever heard them comment on it. I do get teased, in a nice way, about my love of bling by my MIL. In return I tease her about her shopping habits. If there's a sale, she's not missing out on it!

The comments that you're describing seem to be more about your relationship with her son than about the ring that you wear.

 

[CharmyPoo]

Missy - do you have siblings? I am curious because it is really not about selfishness but these feelings are out of love. I treat my brother's gf wonderful and include her like a member of the family. But if she expects my brother to pay for all her haircuts, a trip to asia, her shopping, demands he drives her every where, a new laptop ... I think there are issues here. My brother is very generous and can get taken advantage of. I don't tell him what to do but there are underlying reasons why. It's not always out of selfishness or jealousy. I am not one bit jealous and don't lean on my brother as part of my support system.

My sisters also have boyfriends - some I adore and some I don't.

 

[secretagentlaura]

My mother-in-law was thrilled that my engagement ring was of a size that in no way would out-shine the one that her own daughter would receive a couple of months later. That's the way things work with my in-laws. Ten years later, my husband no longer talks to them!

 

[alene]

Tracy, it really sounds like your issues with your SIL are not about the ring. Whatever issues she has are not going to be solved by adjusting the size of your stone.

My mother-in-law thinks my ring is very pretty (both the original and the new one) but it's really not her thing and if she knew how much it cost, she would've had a heart attack. She's extremely frugal and would use her money very differently. I don't ever feel judged by her, however, and we really don't discuss money often, it's just not done in my husband's family. My sisters-in-law never once commented on my jewelry from what I recall nor I on theirs.

 

[whosurdaddy]

Now I think back, no one in both of our families asked to see my ring nor they were into jewelries. Everything just happened so fast, the engagement, the wedding and a 3 weeks long honeymoon in France then a huge move after. My ring got enough attentions at work, and I was in a trance of being a newly engaged gal I didn't even notice it. My mom actually got embarrassed when I showed her my e-ring at a restaurant and asked me to put it down because the waitress was looking at it.
Nowadays when we rarely see our in-laws, I only put on a plain wedding band and wear whatever is comfortable and clean that day. There really is no need to stir the jealousy pot.

 

[rosetta]

My in-laws have never commented on the my rings, I'm a very blunt person and they hate any sort of "scene". They simply wouldn't dare because I call out everyone on any passive aggressive behaviour/thinly veiled insult they throw my way. It's my style and it kinda scares a lot of people.

 

[TracyBear]

Missy, initially I had your mind-frame, but ultimately I had to evolve into CharmyPoo's way of thinking to cope.

When we first dated, my man was a hot shot in his career and I was a regular Joe working as a nurse aide and translator for the hospital. His parents thought that I was going nowhere in life and told him to date someone else. My man was telling them I was applying to medical school, but they told him that's it was just a ploy to lure him in. My pride so hurt that I contemplated on dumping my man. Then I told myself that I love this man, as long as he accepts me, who cares what his family think. I'm not going to marry them. Even as I said this and was outwardly polite, I held onto resentment and didn't want to get to know his family.

As we've continue to date and I've known him for 14 years now, I attended his family functions and saw first hand how much they cared for him. His parents are the best imaginable, supporting him emotionally, financially, and physically. His mom cooks his meals and drives 3 hrs to deliver the week's food every weekend. Mind you, this woman has a full time job in radiology. Then I understood. Everything that they did was out of love, wanting to protect him. I forgave them and my heart felt so much lighter. His parents never acknowledged to my face what they've thought of me back then, but they did in a round about way apologize for the incident because they knew that I knew.

Now I look back at my theory of, "I'm marrying this man so I'll only acknowledge him, screw his family..." and I realize how naive I was. When you love someone, you want them to be happy and sometimes that happiness involves their family too so you have to respect that. His sister had a great relationship with her brother so I want to resolve any misunderstandings that she might have about me so she can feel relieve and have that great relationship with her brother again. She means alot to him. Too bad she isn't very open to talking. Her exact response, "Thanks for extending the olive branch, but I'll talk to you later..." Perhaps she needs more time.

 

[TracyBear]

Everyone was happy and hugging us and asking to see it, except his mom.... his mom didnt even ask to see it or hug us or anything. I went up to show her and she kind of ignored it, half looked at it, and then turned away saying it looked nice.... i dont know why she didnt care, because we are very friendly, but when it came to our engagement she couldnt gave a hoot.

Yeps, been there. I don't get why people do that. I always congratulate people on achievements, even the ones that I don't even know well. It seems to be in poor taste when you're not excited for them, so at least have to decency to act happy. Geez.

she expects my brother to pay for all her haircuts, a trip to asia, her shopping, demands he drives her every where, a new laptop ... I think there are issues here.

Has she done anything nice for your brother? Prior to my Ering, I've spent more money on my partner than he's ever spent on me, but it's on unseen expenses like plane tickets since we're long distance. Perhaps she spent just as much on your brother in other areas or she's giving him amazing love making.

If there's a sale, she's not missing out on it!

Sounds like the kind of MIL that I'll like to have!

They simply wouldn't dare because I call out everyone on any passive aggressive behaviour/thinly veiled insult they throw my way. It's my style and it kinda scares a lot of people.

, I like your style, we would get along very well!

Nowadays when we rarely see our in-laws, I only put on a plain wedding band and wear whatever is comfortable and clean that day. There really is no need to stir the jealousy pot.

Maybe this is the way to go. My MIL is so tight knit with my man that she knows exactly how much he spends on everything. It makes it awkward for me to wear flashy things around her.

Tracy, it really sounds like your issues with your SIL are not about the ring.

When my man showed her a photo of the ring to get her talking again. She said, "I'm jealous." This is an odd choice of words for a compliment if she meant it as such.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am not sure what they think!

I know when I upgraded to a 1.2ct a few years ago my MIL said "Wow, now its big enough, you don't need any bigger!" Not mean, just sharing her opinion. But I went bigger. Still, the topic has not come up! ETA: FIL, SIL, and BILs have never commented and I am pretty sure its not on their radar.

 

[blackprophet]

Both his mom and SIL had a very close relationship with my dh and leaned on him for most emotional support. Though my SIL should have used her husband (my dh's brother) for that role they didn't (and still don't unfortunately) have the best marriage so she depended on my dh for that. Inappropriate to say the least. And similarly for my MIL as she is a widow and was used to having my dh there whenever she needed him and in her mind there was no room for me in that scenario.

I don't think this is a thread jack at all. I think it is very relevant and it also echo's what I was thinking. I was going to ask what his relationship with his sister was. The closer the relationship, the more likely this has of happening. Its out of love as CharmyPoo and others have said. I have a friend whos family who is 4 sisters and one brother who is the youngest by 7 years to the next youngest sister. I feel sorry for any girl who dates that guy, because the sisters have grown up as his sister and his mother to a certain extent. And you have to impress 5 different protective woment with their own personalities.

As others have said I don't think it has to do with the ring. It has everything to do with the fact that they were very close and she is his sister. I wouldn't take it personally. It sucks, but when feelings are involved, things seldom unfold in rational ways.

 

[Missy]

Missy - do you have siblings? I am curious because it is really not about selfishness but these feelings are out of love. I treat my brother's gf wonderful and include her like a member of the family. But if she expects my brother to pay for all her haircuts, a trip to asia, her shopping, demands he drives her every where, a new laptop ... I think there are issues here. My brother is very generous and can get taken advantage of. I don't tell him what to do but there are underlying reasons why. It's not always out of selfishness or jealousy. I am not one bit jealous and don't lean on my brother as part of my support system.

My sisters also have boyfriends - some I adore and some I don't.

Hi Charmy, I have a younger sister of whom I am very protective. However, when she found the man she wanted to marry (and I introduced them as he was my friend) I wasn't thrilled as I didn't feel he was "good" husband material. I kept my mouth shut because he isn't a bad person and he makes her happy. Just not the way I would have chosen for her. They have a harder life than I would have wanted for her (as he can be difficult and moody) but she is happy and loves him and has 2 amazing children. It simply wasn't my business unless I felt there was a risk to her well being.

In my opinion her affairs are her affairs unless my opinions/advice are asked for. My sister is an intelligent beautiful person and I trust her to make her own decisions about whom she wanted to marry etc. I would have happily offered my opinion if she wanted it but she didn't so I didn't.

I am certainly not criticizing the way you feel about your siblings. It's great you treat their gf's/bf's wonderfully and accept them into your family so warmly. You are a lovely person and nothing like my SIL and MIL who were not at all warm towards me and did not accept me. I could write a book about that lol.

And I do not think you get inappropriate emotional support from your family and I also think emotional support from family is a good thing as long as it doesn't go too far. Each situation is different but I am just sharing another viewpoint. I love my sister no less than you love your brother and my not interfering in her private business was/is the right thing to do in our circumstances.

Another slight threadjack because I think a few of you misunderstood my SIL discussion- she is also the sister in law to my dh. She is married to his middle brother. I did write that in my post but it's easy to overlook as I wrote a long post lol. It just was so far from appropriate I was stunned. I am a very intuitive person and when I write about my MIL being selfish because she wanted my dh at her beck and call and my SIL being inappropriate getting emotional support (and emotionally cheating on her husband as she was complaining the whole while about him while leaning on my dh you can believe me. This happened a long time ago (over 14 years now I think) and things are much better with my MIL these days. Unfortunately we don't speak with that SIL anymore. We still have a relationship with his brothers and my other SIL (who's very lovely) but sadly we do not have one with his middle brother's wife. So be it. We are all better off because that kind of negativity is poison.

Back to the thread-I just think that if the adult is happy and in love interference should be kept to a minimum unless otherwise asked. The way a sibling spends their money is not our business nor affair...it's their money and their love life and they can do with it as they see fit...JMO.


Tracy, I totally agree. His family is part of your family and harmony and love should be the focus. It sounds as if in your situation it certainly can. I was just saying that be careful because I think boundaries are important so that your inlaws don't rule your relationship with your dh. IMO there should be no way they get to say what size/quality ER you get from your dh. As well as other personal and more important subjects in your marriage. Some things should just be b/w a married couple but again take what I say with a grain of salt as it is simply my opinion.
I wish you all the love and happiness in the world!

 

[Ally T]

I say wear & enjoy your ring. It doesn't really matter what they think. And your sister in law sounds over protective / jealous of you.

As for me, my mother in law is a salt of the earth, garden loving, London Marathon veteran runner. She has more interest in her peach tree & tomato plants She has admired my rings rarely, but last month on holiday in Greece, she asked to TRY ON my eternity ring She thought my original engagement ring was 'a splurge' of my husbands money, thinks my new pear is 'very beautiful but each to their own' but also openly acknowledges that I am from a different 'breed' to her. We get on very, very well, but she is from a hard core working class English family, whereas I was more fortunate in life. She hugely appreciates that I have gone into my marriage for better or worse. I have a few valuable things in the house, but generally it is 'ours' and my husband works super hard to provide for me & my young girls. She shows great affection towards me & accepts that I like nice things. I don't ask for them - she knows her son just likes to spoil me & that's OK with her as I work damn hard to run this house, the children & arrange family events & parties.

My sister in law on my husbands side is horribly jealous. She is jealous of the upbringing I had, the career I had before having the girls, the jewellery I wear & the clothes I have. And let's not go there about my Mulberry collection because she is a nightmare about those. However, she hasn't worked a day in her life & lives off benefits. In my opinion she could easily do a desk or check out job - she just has a dodgy knee. So she gets the short shift if she ever shows envy to my things because I have no time for a lazy, work shy, benefit stealing green eyed monster.

The rest are great & my father in law doesn't give two sh!ts because he is as mad a hatter! In the most lovable way, of course

 

[GliderPoss]

Ugh I can so relate to this thread! My MIL has no e-ring, just a plain gold band and considers ALL jewellry to be "fancy & frivilous", "waste of money", "showing off" the list goes on....

Hence my love for all things sparkly is clearly proof of my utter shallowness and "rich" family, lack of correct priorities etc. She's never said it outright but managed to verrry successfully convery it over the years with snipey little comments. Strangely enough we get on just fine in pretty much every other way! So I just tend to grit my teeth and ignore it now.

Hubby is very supportive of my bowerbird tendancies and wouldnt even consider his family when purchasing bling me me - its got absolutely nothing to do with them!!!

 

[lambskin]

You must be really sweet to care about your in laws when choosing your ER. I could have cared less! I got the biggest diamond he could afford and when they all saw it they knew that he was really serious about me because he was the King of Cheap. I am sure that they talked about it (and me) for years but I got what I wanted and never looked back. Our marriage has lasted longer than his siblings and we have economized and sacrificed in other ways so they knew I was not a gold digger. i keep telling anyone who will listen-it is your ring and you have to wear it so pick out what you want. If in laws have any problem just change the subject.

 

[marcy]

TracyBear, I wouldn't worry about what the in-laws think of your ering. It is odd your SIL seems to have chilled her relation towards you once your got the ring; maybe hers is fake? Enjoy your beautiful ring and don't worry about what someone thinks about it.

My in-laws definitely worried about me spending DH's money on jewelry. When we upgraded my ering (after 16 years of marriage) we got a 1/2 ct. AGS0 diamond and mounted it in a new PC wedding set. We went to lunch with the in-laws and grandmother-in-law who zeroed in on I had a new wedding ring on. She grabs my hand, asks if that is a new wedding ring (which I said yes) and then she says "well we couldn't afford anything nice until we'd been married for a while" and then my MIL chimes in trying to make that sound better by saying "I didn't get a nice diamond until our 25th anniversary". That little 1/2 carat AGS0 had NOTHING to be ashamed of; it was a real beauty.

 

[CharmyPoo]

she expects my brother to pay for all her haircuts, a trip to asia, her shopping, demands he drives her every where, a new laptop ... I think there are issues here.

Has she done anything nice for your brother? Prior to my Ering, I've spent more money on my partner than he's ever spent on me, but it's on unseen expenses like plane tickets since we're long distance. Perhaps she spent just as much on your brother in other areas or she's giving him amazing love making.

Ding ding ding. She is actually a nice girl so by no means is there any hate ... just minor complaints. We will all learn to get along ... just like how my in-laws have learnt to deal with me.

 

[blingymo]

My mother-in-law was thrilled that my engagement ring was of a size that in no way would out-shine the one that her own daughter would receive a couple of months later. That's the way things work with my in-laws. Ten years later, my husband no longer talks to them!

Huh. I would think she would be pleased that her son was doing well enough in his career that he could afford to buy you a nice stone. That sort of puts her son in competition with her future son-in-law.

 

[blingymo]

My in-laws, who are fairly well off, are jealous any time we do something that they perceive as "better than them." My MIL was jealous of my e-ring (about 1/2 ct. bigger than hers), and actually told me so after a few drinks. So she upgraded to double the size of mine about 3 years after we got engaged. When we bought a farm and historic house, my FIL kept saying negative things (bigger than his property and a "named" historic register property). Now that I have upgraded my diamond, (and though it is bigger than hers, my getting it has absolutely NOTHING to do with her) I'm sure she will freak. I have not told anyone in our families - my parents would be disapproving of the money spent, and we would be (and eventually will be when they all find out) the subject of petty gossip in his family (they gossip about each other all the time - and since there are six kids, there are plenty of things to gossip about).

 

[Smith1942]

This topic is bringing out my devilish side. Most in-laws want some clean-scrubbed, practical girl for their precious sons/brothers who will put always herself last, dress in rags and would never be so presumptuous as to demand diamonds. I'm savvy enough to know this long before reading this thread, and I don't wear my biggest bling around the in-laws. They think I know nothing about diamonds. Once my MIL tried to tell me about the colour scale. I sat there with wide-eyed fascination.

That MIL rakes me with a gimlet gaze every time she sees me and is the FIRST to comment on any little piece of jewellery I might be wearing. Takes her about an hour to complete her visual investigations and work the conversation around to questioning.

Sometimes I think they'd be happy if I slept on the kitchen floor among the ashes like Cinderella. Therefore, I get a sick, twisted power trip from wearing tiny, unobtrusive things which are actually incredibly expensive in their presence, like my DeBeers 0.22 ctw three-stone DBTY, or my Tiffany 0.22 E bezel pendant in platinum.

My justification is this: I'm not that unsophisticated self-sacrificing servant girl/secretary that they'd like for their precious son, I got the same prestigious degree as him and I had a great professional career in PR, including working for the Government of Dubai, with good upward momentum before I moved to another continent all for the sake of our marriage. My husband's illness has had a great impact on our lives and I have been a carer for a few years, in addition to now being thousands of miles away from my terminally sick mother. That's REALLY hard. I could have married someone who wanted to stay put in England. In addition, with all the time that has passed in treating my husband, it might also be more difficult for me to have our own child now.

Before my marriage I bought all of my own bling, and I've bought quite a bit of it since, too. But a sizeable chunk comes from the marital account, because I've made huge sacrifices for the marriage and I deserve it. My collection is one of the few things that makes me feel full of joy, even in the bad times, and it's the only thing I want - I have no other expensive hobbies and am not very interested in clothes, shoes or handbags. I spotted my husband's illness and got him into treatment when it's been there since he was 12 and his own family couldn't be arsed to help him. He's on the road to recovery because of me, so frankly I've got no time for any of this "we love him best and you're a potential wicked witch-figure who could be the ruin of him" kind of nonsense. If anybody took me to task on my jewellery collection I'd defend it and my bling choices to the death.

Even without that justification of my sacrifices, I would have to say that I'm a professional, early middle-aged woman who appreciates some of the finer things in life, not some wide-eyed farm girl. If any in-laws want some hair-shirted unsophisticate for their son or brother, I'd definitely be the wrong choice!

ETA: When people feel protective of their son/brother, remember that the girl's family feel the same way about her and your relative. As far as they're concerned, he could cheat on her, beat her up, do any of the really bad things that a subset of men do.

Also, you have no idea what your relative is like to be in a relationship with. Maybe she puts up with a great deal, or will do so if marriage occurs. In the case of the latter, she will also pledge her youth to him and probably bear his children and is promising to put up with him in general for the rest of their lives, and you know what men can be like sometimes. It's not just your relative that is taking the risk, it's the girl, too. So I think that looking askance at her - or being suspicious of her - out of protective love is a little blinkered, in my opinion.

 

[Smith1942]

Just realised that I haven't answered the e-ring portion of the question. Weirdly, the in-laws took no notice of it. It's not very big - just a 0.70 solitaire, albeit a Hearts on Fire. But one day I was wearing my grandmother's sapphire and diamond halo ring on my wedding finger and my MIL thought it was my engagement ring, so she's not tuned into the e-ring at all. Despite this, she notices all my other jewelery and is EXTREMELY quick to notice when I am not wearing my rings.

ETA: T-Bear, I think your SIL's reaction to your ring is disgraceful. What is she, three? I wouldn't give her any airtime by asking what's wrong or cosying up to her. Yes, we all want to be best friends with all family members but some of them make that impossible. What if your future kids do better than her kids? What if you and your DH get a better house than hers? She needs to know that this behaviour doesn't fly with you. I'd be briskly polite to her and adopt a very crisp manner until such time as she can act like an adult. And I'd be very careful what you tell her from here on in. One of my favourite lines from a TV show is, "Don't be a schmuck!" This woman, deep inside, is not your friend and I think you'd be wise to recognise it. Your ring is much smaller than hers and there is no reason whatsoever for her to feel bad about it, except some mean feelings that you don't want to be anywhere near.

This doesn't bode well for your future successes! She sounds like someone who needs to be kept at arm's length. It does happen. My friend had a lifelong friend and then they worked together. My friend got a promotion that the other girl wanted. Despite my friend working much harder and being much better qualified, that girl never spoke to her again. 18 years of friendship busted up, just like that. My friend said she never saw it coming and there were no clues that the girl could be like that. Some people really do have a lot of jealousy and hate in their hearts - and that's hard for those who don't have a mean heart to accept.

 

[Laila619]

When I reset my one carat stone into a three stone with two 0.50 carat sides, I could tell my MIL thought it was a bit excessive. She has worn her original e-ring (a small marquise solitaire) for the last 40 years, so she doesn't really 'get' upgrades and resets, even though she could easily afford to upgrade herself. FIL complimented it and said he kept noticing how much it sparkled.

Neither of them said much about the original e-ring.

 

[rosetta]

This topic is bringing out my devilish side. Most in-laws want some clean-scrubbed, practical girl for their precious sons/brothers who will put always herself last, dress in rags and would never be so presumptuous as to demand diamonds. I'm savvy enough to know this long before reading this thread, and I don't wear my biggest bling around the in-laws. They think I know nothing about diamonds. Once my MIL tried to tell me about the colour scale. I sat there with wide-eyed fascination.

That MIL rakes me with a gimlet gaze every time she sees me and is the FIRST to comment on any little piece of jewellery I might be wearing. Takes her about an hour to complete her visual investigations and work the conversation around to questioning.

Sometimes I think they'd be happy if I slept on the kitchen floor among the ashes like Cinderella. Therefore, I get a sick, twisted power trip from wearing tiny, unobtrusive things which are actually incredibly expensive in their presence, like my DeBeers 0.22 ctw three-stone DBTY, or my Tiffany 0.22 E bezel pendant in platinum.

My justification is this: I'm not that unsophisticated self-sacrificing servant girl/secretary that they'd like for their precious son, I got the same prestigious degree as him and I had a great professional career in PR, including working for the Government of Dubai, with good upward momentum before I moved to another continent all for the sake of our marriage. My husband's illness has had a great impact on our lives and I have been a carer for a few years, in addition to now being thousands of miles away from my terminally sick mother. That's REALLY hard. I could have married someone who wanted to stay put in England. In addition, with all the time that has passed in treating my husband, it might also be more difficult for me to have our own child now.

Before my marriage I bought all of my own bling, and I've bought quite a bit of it since, too. But a sizeable chunk comes from the marital account, because I've made huge sacrifices for the marriage and I deserve it. My collection is one of the few things that makes me feel full of joy, even in the bad times, and it's the only thing I want - I have no other expensive hobbies and am not very interested in clothes, shoes or handbags. I spotted my husband's illness and got him into treatment when it's been there since he was 12 and his own family couldn't be arsed to help him. He's on the road to recovery because of me, so frankly I've got no time for any of this "we love him best and you're a potential wicked witch-figure who could be the ruin of him" kind of nonsense. If anybody took me to task on my jewellery collection I'd defend it and my bling choices to the death.

Even without that justification of my sacrifices, I would have to say that I'm a professional, early middle-aged woman who appreciates some of the finer things in life, not some wide-eyed farm girl. If any in-laws want some hair-shirted unsophisticate for their son or brother, I'd definitely be the wrong choice!

ETA: When people feel protective of their son/brother, remember that the girl's family feel the same way about her and your relative. As far as they're concerned, he could cheat on her, beat her up, do any of the really bad things that a subset of men do.

Also, you have no idea what your relative is like to be in a relationship with. Maybe she puts up with a great deal, or will do so if marriage occurs. In the case of the latter, she will also pledge her youth to him and probably bear his children and is promising to put up with him in general for the rest of their lives, and you know what men can be like sometimes. It's not just your relative that is taking the risk, it's the girl, too. So I think that looking askance at her - or being suspicious of her - out of protective love is a little blinkered, in my opinion.

AMEN sister. I take great pains to ensure that my in-laws don't think the sun shines out of my husband's a*se. Although they never treated me unkindly, they started out thinking he was a golden boy who could do no wrong, but have since realised that he is just a fallible human being like the rest of us and, furthermore, that he'd be totally lost without me.