What do new moms want from their hubbies?

[trillionaire]

FBIL and FSIL just had their first baby together

one week ago today! The baby is still in the hospital, which I think is stressing them both out, as they have been experiencing some friction over the past week.

FSIL also came to the marriage with a child, and he will be seven in August.

So, in a household with a young infant and a rambunctious youngster, what is the role/what are the duties that a hubby can perform to make you feel the most supported and like a team? I know the early days with a baby are frontloaded work on the mom, so how do you balance it? I think I remember TGal saying she and her hubby traded days or something like that, but at what age are you able to do that if a mom is breastfeeding?

Thanks all

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I would pump so DH could feed her one of her night feedings. That helped a ton. I think moms want their DHs to help clean, cook, take care of baby and just to be there. It is a big adjustment being home a newborn. My MIL told me and my DH we were not allowed to take anything we said to each other personally for the first 3 months. Tempers are shorter when no sleep is involved. Hope the baby comes home soon!

 

[TravelingGal]

Ditto Tacori....

If she is BFing, she will probably want to establish it, which usually means she''s on her own for at least a couple of weeks. Fortunately, most babies sleep well for the first two weeks. She should be napping every chance she gets, and he should be helping around the house to give her time to grab whatever rest she can.

By week three, I think it''s OK to introduce the bottle if she needs the help. Some people will disagree. This also depends on how BFing is going. It is a huge help when the DH can take over for a feed or two.

But since they have a youngster in the house, I would say his job is to deal with the youngster to give mom one less thing to worry about. At age 7, he should be able to understand that mom needs rest, but still loves him plenty.

We didn''t trade days that early on. TGuy just helped me feed her but our situation was different because we had her on SNS which meant TGuy could finger feed her and it wouldn''t confuse her like the bottle would.

 

[purrfectpear]

For one thing, he can use this time to get really close to the 7 year old by doing some things out of the home, just the two of them. She''s probably feeling a little insecure right now anyway, and this can be his opportunity to show her that being a big girl is a good thing. She gets to go to movies with him, or shopping, or out for ice cream, etc.

 

[VegasAngel]

Well, he can take the older child out so that mom has some quiet in the house. If she is breastfeeding she can feed baby & if baby is still awake dad can rock baby to sleep, change diaper etc.. so mom can rest. I would have appreciated my husband doing any household work cleaning, cooking, etc.

 

[curlygirl]

I think it''s really important to divide the responsibilities. In my own 2-child household, there was a clear division of labor as soon as the baby arrived. I dealt with her while DH entertained our older daughter. I think it naturally happens that way anyway because let''s face it, men probably feel more comfortable with a child that is mobile, verbal, etc. A husband should also be prepared and willing to help out with things like cooking and cleaning. And most importantly, he needs to realize that a mom needs a break every now and then and he should offer to take care of both children from time to time just so she can maintain some sense of sanity.

As far as trading days (meaning nights!), I was basically on duty during the week when DH was working and I was on maternity leave and he would take the weekends. It worked out pretty well for us. It is very hard to establish any kind of routine in the early days and weeks but eventually they will fall into a pattern that will hopefully be agreeable for both of them.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/29/2009 3:59:20 PM
Author: curlygirl
I think it''s really important to divide the responsibilities. In my own 2-child household, there was a clear division of labor as soon as the baby arrived. I dealt with her while DH entertained our older daughter. I think it naturally happens that way anyway because let''s face it, men probably feel more comfortable with a child that is mobile, verbal, etc. A husband should also be prepared and willing to help out with things like cooking and cleaning. And most importantly, he needs to realize that a mom needs a break every now and then and he should offer to take care of both children from time to time just so she can maintain some sense of sanity.

As far as trading days (meaning nights!), I was basically on duty during the week when DH was working and I was on maternity leave and he would take the weekends. It worked out pretty well for us. It is very hard to establish any kind of routine in the early days and weeks but eventually they will fall into a pattern that will hopefully be agreeable for both of them.

This probably plays in as well. FBIL lost his job, so he''s home all day too, with his wife. So there are no excuses for not pitching in. As I mentioned, the baby is not home yet, so their routine is really hectic right now!

The second issue is about the older child. Mom still prefers to discipline him ''her own way'' rather than let her husband do it. So naturally, as hubby is spending more time with their son (who is on summer break), she is being critical and upset about ''what hubby is doing wrong''. (I personally think that some of this is projection, because the baby is not home, but I could be wrong) They''ve been married for just under a year, so there have been a lot of changes in a fairly short amount of time! Hopefully things will settle down once the baby gets home and they establish a routine, it just distresses SO to hear his brother frustrated... so I am coming to you all for your sage advice!

 

[D&T]

Date: 6/29/2009 3:56:37 PM
Author: VegasAngel
Well, he can take the older child out so that mom has some quiet in the house. If she is breastfeeding she can feed baby & if baby is still awake dad can rock baby to sleep, change diaper etc.. so mom can rest. I would have appreciated my husband doing any household work cleaning, cooking, etc.

ditto. as for the older child, mom needs to let "new" dad share in the disciplining.

 

[Jas12]

In the first few months , the best things DH could do were
1) clean
2) be available to take over baby duty after a nursing session so i could get out of the house for 1 hour a day
3) ask how he could help once in a while

 

[lili]

Date: 6/29/2009 4:34:57 PM
Author: Jas12
In the first few months , the best things DH could do were
1) clean
2) be available to take over baby duty after a nursing session so i could get out of the house for 1 hour a day
3) ask how he could help once in a while

add making meals to that list.

 

[packrat]

I think it would be hard to "let go" and let someone else discipline my child-but it''s her husband, not some random person, they''re married now, so hopefully they''ve talked about discipline and are on the same page about it. They''re both in it together, a team, and it is really going to suck if she doesn''t want to let husband have any control over discipline.

I think I''d be a little frazzled if my baby wasn''t able to come home from the hospital right away. I suppose husband would need to understand that, but mom would need to understand that it''s different for dads, and I think they feel a little out of their element and helpless when babies come. If she can ask for help, and give him some control over some things, that will help. Otherwise, she''s left having to take care of *everything* and that suuuuucks.

I had a hard time letting JD clean things for me..he''d leave crumbs on the counter and floor-he vacuums like it''s a game to see how fast he can get it done, and vacuums around things..like a shoe on the floor. But after a while, I figured his help is better than no help.

Trapper wouldn''t take a bottle, so there was no help there. London would take one, but only when I wasn''t there. I couldn''t stand the thought of someone else feeding her when I was home. That was my control issue.

 

[Pandora II]

1) Pay for a cleaner

2) Infinite patience - no matter what your wife says, DO NOT get dragged into a row.

3) Treat your wife as if she is your wife and not just a baby producing/feeding machine. But don''t even think about suggesting DTD...

4) Take the baby for a few hours on weekend mornings so that she can get some sleep knowing that someone is looking after the kiddo.

5) Play with the baby - even if interaction is somewhat limited - putting the baby over your knee while you read a book/play online poker/write emails/bid on eBAy etc is NOT playing with the baby!

6) NEVER come home from work and wonder out loud why the washing/dishes/anything hasn''t been done and why she''s still in PJs. If she achieves a shower a day in the first weeks then that is progress - if it involves shampoo AND conditioner then medals should be awarded.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Dh was home with my the first 6 weeks. My job was BFing our son. His job was literally EVERYTHING else! Yes, this was a completely fair division of our time and energy. Newborns nurse 12 hours a day or more.

Our son is now 4 months old and I stay at home and he works. But he continues to do most of the grocery shopping and about half the meal preparation and all of the dishes (once every couple of days

), and on weekends he gets up with our son and lets me sleep in for a couple more hours. I keep the house (relatively) tidy, do the laundry, grocery shopping when there is time, and I still do all the night feeds (and day ones too). We have a cleaning person. This division of labour feels completely fair to us both. Being a SAHM is much much much harder than going to work in my opinion.

 

[Jas12]

DD--I agree, being at home is WAY harder than work. I am "off" this week and i joke that my holiday starts next week when i do a rare week of full-time hours.

Our division of labor is similar to yours but i do all the shopping and make the lunches and dinner--mostly just b/c i enjoy cooking. Everything else is hubby work and we feel it is fairly distributed!

 

[atroop711]

everyone is different but for me I wanted my husband to help when I needed the help. I also found that when he OFFERED to help it really made me feel like I wasn''t alone. The last thing I wanted when taking care of a newborn and other kids in the house is for my husband to sit there and not offer to help. That is ANNOYING.

So the husband can be in charge of the other child, cooking, sharing in the feedings (you can pump milk into a bottle), changing the diaper,ect. Just offer to help makes a load of difference during the beginning