Wedding What did/would you do to alievate worry from in-laws that they are losing their son?

[Amandine]

FI informed me today (wedding Saturday!!) that his uncle had called him and told him his mom was really worried and stressed out about the wedding. Part of this is that she has been dealing with FI''s grandmother, who has cancer, and has been assisting and living near her to help. Stressful! Well, I guess that she is worried that she will "lose" fiance after he is married. She and I get along fine, and are working on getting to know each other better, but I know her relationship with her own MIL was not a good one, and can''t help but think that this is affecting her perceptions of how it will be after the wedding. She has previously voiced concern about what will happen at the holidays, but this year at least we are staying home (I''m in retail, and he has performances) so if anyone wants to see us they have to come here! I think she worries that they won''t ever see us for the holidays, etc.

So, if you encountered this with your in-laws, how did you help them feel better about it, and let them know that you won''t keep their son from them, etc?

Thanks!

 

[Rhea]

Do you already live together? If so, what does she think will change compared to you living together right now?

DH moved directly from his parent''s house to our house, we married young, he''s an only child, and he works in the family business. MIL was a bit worried. According to her we got married very quickly. It''s good in that DH works for the family business and sees her daily, I think that helps. He does get some whinning about holidays from her. We started alternating when we started dating so marriage didn''t change that. But every other year we go through the whole "christmas isn''t christmas without my son here" and the in-laws go out to eat rather than celebrating at home. I don''t think they put up a tree either.

I don''t do much, honestly. I live 4,500 miles and another country away from my parents who I see for once every eight months for a week and a half. He sees his several times a weeks and lives a 20 minute drive away. They didn''t lose a son anymore than they would have done just through him growing up. That''s the attitude DH takes as well. We visit, but don''t do anything out of the ordinary. Maybe that''s the key, just showing her that nothing has changed after you get married.

 

[marchswallowbird]

Amandine, your FI needs to take care of this. He needs to sit down with his mother and assure her that he is not disappearing from her life because he is getting married. At the same time, he needs to manage her expectations. There will be times that you will not all be together at holidays, especially if the two of you start a family, and she will need to accept that. But it is not your responsibility to handle this, your FI needs to handle it.

ETA: I would have part one of the discussion immediately, but I would put off part two of the discussion (you may not always be together at holidays) until some time down the road, when FMIL is not all stressed out about multiple things.

 

[Amandine]

Well, everyone is here at our home (yes, we already do live togehter), FI, me, my parents and his parents for tonight. I got home from work after everyone was already here (10pm). FI''s Mom got right up and came over to greet me and give me a hug, then I greeted my parents. Was asked how I was, responded tired and hungry. Made a bag of popcorn, chatted, found my Mom a better light to sew by, etc. Everything seemed fine. We discussed the wedding in general, and decided on the seating arrangement.

FI''s Dad went to bed first, followed not long after by his Mom. I don''t know if they talked, but then FI pulls me aside and says I have to do better. Evidently I did not greet his Dad or really talk with him, and that wasn''t good enough. He kept repeating that "I have to do better", meaning me, and there were people around so I couldn''t talk more about it with him. He thought (or knew from talking with his Mom, I don''t know) that his Dad had been upset about it.

It wasn''t the time to say anything, but I am frustrated and hurt. Yes, I will thank his parents profusely for helping us a lot with money for the wedding. The night they first arrive is not the time, nor was anything along those lines brought up. I feel like a lot of the burden of this has been put on me by him. We have dated for a long time, on and off for 10 years. I have had him around my family a lot more then I have been around his. For a while, he seemed to keep us somewhat separate, and I had vocalized more then once to him that this bothered me. Now, years later, I know his Mom wants to be closer but its not my place to say that some of that is FI''s fault. So here we are now, the weekend of the wedding and it seems to have become my responsibility to be overly effusive, fawning, etc. I know I am exaggerating...but FI just is not seeing my perspective. I have pretty much planned the wedding on my own, since family and BMs do not live nearby. I''m tired, stressed, worried about work and now seem to be asked to be different then my normal self. Normally a patient, calm person, when someone asks me what needs to be done, I feel snappish.

This is an emotional time for me, as it is for any bride, but I have a lot of thoughts and memories for weddings tied up with my sister who passed away four years ago. Holding it together is hard, and we have only just started. I guess more then anything I needed to vent somewhere, and express my anger, hurt and frustration with the situation. I really need to sit down with FI and tell him this, I just don''t know when.

Its funny how in the midst of family I feel so lonely. I really miss having my sister here.

 

[lurkinglurker]

I don''t really post very much but saw your post and just wanted to let you know that people are here and listening to you. I''m so sorry that you''re going through such an emotional and exciting time without your sister. I''m also sorry that your soon to be husband is acting less than ideal. I wonder if he is acting a little out of character because he is extra-emotional/stressed right now too? I don''t know - but ya''ll will get through this and you will have an amazing wedding day. I''m thinking about you and hoping that you will be able to experience everything it in the best way possible.

 

[marchswallowbird]

Wow, Amandine, I feel so bad for you. (((hug))). I think FI is way out of like to say something like that to you. Relationships with in-laws can be awkward things, especially at the beginning when you do not really know each other. It sounds like both the in-laws and FI want you to be someone you''re not, to act a way that doesn''t fit with your personality. FI should be on your side, not theirs. I would be very hurt also.

 

[dragonfly411]

Amandine
Personally I think that his parents are being a bit overly sensitive. You get home from work, and you''re expected to greet his parents before your own? That doesn''t really seem fair, not to mention that you were walking in the door from work. You can''t ignore your family for the sake of his.
FI needs to put on his big boy pants and explain to his family that you are trying to be accommodating to both sides of the family here, and no one means to come off as standing off.

Maybe you could arrange for you ladies to have breakfast together?

 

[Rhea]

Oh no! That does sound bad. There''s no way I''d do anything different from what you described it, but my DH is great at limiting and controlling his family''s expectations without getting me involved. If his mum whines over us alternating Christmas with my family DH just tells her tough, it was agreed by us and was not her decision to make.

I agree that the wedding is a stressful time. Do you think that this the time to speak with your DH about his family and their expectations or will it die down after the wedding and all the emotions have passed?

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 10/23/2008 10:31:51 AM
Author: dragonfly411
Amandine
Personally I think that his parents are being a bit overly sensitive. You get home from work, and you''re expected to greet his parents before your own? That doesn''t really seem fair, not to mention that you were walking in the door from work. You can''t ignore your family for the sake of his.
FI needs to put on his big boy pants and explain to his family that you are trying to be accommodating to both sides of the family here, and no one means to come off as standing off.

Maybe you could arrange for you ladies to have breakfast together?

AMEN!! First off, he shouldn''t have waited till this weekend to tell you that. Second, he shouldn''t say it like that, which is rudely, and like it''s your fault. If he sees what he *thinks* is a problem, he needs to approach his parents first and see if there even is a problem before confronting you and *demanding* that you change how you act! If his mom loves you already, I see nothing that needs changing unless his dad is standoffish to you, in which case I''d just ask him if there''s anything wrong. If he says no, then leave it at that and have a great wedding weekend!!

On a final note, NOBODY should be expected to be accomodating whatsoever at 10:00 at night!! Sheesh, I''m in my PJ''s getting in bed at that time, not meeting up with my parents and socializing and doing wedding planning! You''d just walked in from work at 10pm and FI expects you to accommodate everybody? Nuh-uh, he should have taken care of that already! Tell him to suck it up and put on his big boy pants and be a man! Tell him you''re too stressed and need help!

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

P.S.:

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

I know you''re probaby busy with getting things ready for the weekend, but just wanted to see if anything changed with the situation!

I hope you have an awesome weekend!! Regardless of what happens, remember you get to marry your FI and that''s all that matters!

 

[Amandine]

I just wanted to check back in...not much time, and if you look at the time stamp, you can see that we are up late!

Its hard to say how things are...we haven''t had a chance to talk about it yet, but I think that a lot of this has to do with basic wedding stress and emotions. For example, we were going to have his Mom read a 5 line poem, and she can''t even make it through that without tears. So now his uncle, our best man, is reading it. FI and I have to sit down post wedding and lay out expectations between us. Is this normal for him? No, which is what leads me to believe it is normal stress, etc. for this time!

Will update Monday on how the wedding went, hard to believe its tomorrow (or rather, today!)

 

[Rhea]

Good luck!

 

[PrincessDijon]

I came to this thread late....But I just wanted to say good luck to you Amandine....

I hope it all works out for you!

 

[Gypsy]

I''m late too and by now I hope you''ve had an amazing day but I wanted to chime in and give you a hug. My family was very much like your FI family, they were overly sensitive and worried about losing me and acted out. It''s a process, but if it continues, your FI is the one you need to address it with. You need to talk about his expectations, and what his family''s expectations are... and then level set where you think things are reasonable and managable. If you can''t make it on a Holiday, that''s okay. Just plan a GTG close to then when you can make it over and make sure to tell them what the next upcoming holiday you will make is.

((HUGS)) honey. I''m sorry about your sister. But what you said about feeling lonely in the midst of your family... I felt it too, and strongly. I didn''t have siblings or attendants or anyone helping me pull the thing together (exept John, who like any groom had times when he was just burned out) and that weekend, lonely is how I felt. When my MUA was putting my veil on I was surrounded by friends and family and I started to panic, seriously panic (like on the verge of an attack, I get them sometimes) because I felt so alone and wrong. I rushed everyone so that I could see John (we were seeing each other before the ceremony for photos) because well, he completes me. So, what I am saying is... I hope on your wedding day with your groom, the lonely feeling went away, and was replaced with the warmth of knowing that you and the most important person in your life and binding yourselves closer than ever before.

Congratulations, and wish you both the very best.