What, can''t you read my mind?

[fieryred33143]

I am doing something I don''t normally do: admitting when I''m wrong

.

Last night my fiance and I got into a huge argument and it was all my fault, well partly....ok, all of it

.

His mom said some things to me that were not very nice and really made me upset. I told FI about it and he thought I was being overly sensitive given the subject of the conversation but agreed to talk to his mom about it.

As the day went on, I realized that I didn''t want him to bring it up to his mom. While what she said was hurtful, I also know his mother and know how she takes things. I decided that it wasn''t a good idea to bring it up and we should just let it go.

When I got home, we didn''t really say much to each other until after DD went to bed. We got into some conversation about his mom and I asked him if his mom mentioned anything to him about what she had said. He said yes, she told him what she had said to me and mentioned that she thought I was upset. I asked him what was his response and he said nothing because you told me not to say anything.

When I originally told him not to mention anything, I meant not to go to her house and say ''hey mom, let''s talk about what happened with fiery'' but I did expect that if his mother mentioned something he would at least tell her that what she said was really hurtful.

That led into a huge argument where he felt that I say one thing, mean another, he can''t read my mind, and has no idea what is going on in my head.

So........how do I break this habit? This isn''t the first time he has accused me of doing this. I have tried to be more direct with what I want and what I expect but most of the times I just want him to figure these things out. I don''t feel like I needed to spell it out for him that what his mom said was hurtful and that he should know that if his mom mentions it he should at least say something but apparently I do have to say something. Do I just assume he has a blank mind and tell him exactly what I expect from him every time we talk? That seems a little too controlling, doesn''t it? I just picture myself going: this is the situation, this is how you are going to react, this is what you are going to say, etc.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Maybe next time say "I''d prefer that you not bring it up, but if she does, please let her know how hurt I am."

 

[ksinger]

Date: 4/27/2010 9:02:18 AM
Author:fiery
I am doing something I don''t normally do: admitting when I''m wrong

.

Last night my fiance and I got into a huge argument and it was all my fault, well partly....ok, all of it

.

His mom said some things to me that were not very nice and really made me upset. I told FI about it and he thought I was being overly sensitive given the subject of the conversation but agreed to talk to his mom about it.

As the day went on, I realized that I didn''t want him to bring it up to his mom. While what she said was hurtful, I also know his mother and know how she takes things. I decided that it wasn''t a good idea to bring it up and we should just let it go.

When I got home, we didn''t really say much to each other until after DD went to bed. We got into some conversation about his mom and I asked him if his mom mentioned anything to him about what she had said. He said yes, she told him what she had said to me and mentioned that she thought I was upset. I asked him what was his response and he said nothing because you told me not to say anything.

When I originally told him not to mention anything, I meant not to go to her house and say ''hey mom, let''s talk about what happened with fiery'' but I did expect that if his mother mentioned something he would at least tell her that what she said was really hurtful.

That led into a huge argument where he felt that I say one thing, mean another, he can''t read my mind, and has no idea what is going on in my head.

So........how do I break this habit? This isn''t the first time he has accused me of doing this. I have tried to be more direct with what I want and what I expect but most of the times I just want him to figure these things out. I don''t feel like I needed to spell it out for him that what his mom said was hurtful and that he should know that if his mom mentions it he should at least say something but apparently I do have to say something. Do I just assume he has a blank mind and tell him exactly what I expect from him every time we talk? That seems a little too controlling, doesn''t it? I just picture myself going: this is the situation, this is how you are going to react, this is what you are going to say, etc.

Fiery, my experience is that men are truly TRULY simple creatures. In that, sensitivity and perception is, in GENERAL, not their strong suit. With only rare exceptions, most men really DO have to be given very explicit instruction in emotional areas. He took you at your word and didn''t mention it. You really will spend endless time being hurt and pissed off if you expect him to do other than what you asked of him. From his point of view, he has no idea of the complexity of what is going on in your mind, and you''re jerking him around to expect something else.

My take is, give it to them straight, keep it clear and simple, and don''t deliver with a bunch of emotion, even if you''re annoyed. And really, do NOT get angry or attribute some sort of convoluted thought process involving any kind of malice - when they do what you tell them, instead of what you meant or changed your mind to later but didn''t tell them. That really wigs ''em out. They generally aren''t doing anything out of malice, and attributing our female circuitous thinking processes to them does not work. Most guys I''ve known and talked to, appreciate this directness more than you can possibly believe. If they are inclined to weep in relief,

they do so at the thought of a woman who tells them what she wants in no uncertain terms. When I do this with mine, the world MOVES. He is just grateful that I''m being direct.

Waiting for them to read your mind is really a recipe for misery, trust me. And it is a typical female thing. I used to do it too. After a while I learned not to, and it improved my life immensely.

 

[monarch64]

I think men deal better with straight logic and less emotion; whereas women think and react emotionally and then base logic on emotional responses if that makes sense. So what your FI is doing is just taking what you tell him at face value probably, but you''re expecting him to take into consideration your feelings which you may or may not completely reveal as well. I think you can express your thoughts and feelings to him in a way that doesn''t come across as controlling...try using the words "I feel" instead of "this is how YOU will approach it." Then he knows your expectations but it is still his choice as far as what he does about them, ya know?

I had a situation with my SO recently that involved this exact sort of thing. I was telling him one thing, and feeling another, and expecting him to KNOW somehow that I was not REALLY cool with what was happening. We left the environment (jewelry store--sort of a charged situation anyway), went home and I cooled off for a few minutes and then apologized to him because he honestly had no idea what to think or do. I was being cryptic and kind of bratty, and he was just trying to do the right thing.

Short version: a store in town was doing a Pandora bracelet promotion on Facebook in which you became a fan, printed out a certificate from the FB page, and turned it into them for a free bracelet. I emailed him and asked him to do that so we could both get a bracelet, one for his pseudo-adopted mother and one for me since I would like to start another. We got to the store that weekend and he had left his certificate at work. The salesperson refused to give us a second bracelet, so I said let''s get the one for your "mom" and I''ll pick up mine some other time. He sort of balked, but then he went with it and even purchased a charm for the bracelet, had it gift wrapped, etc. Meanwhile I was internally stewing (irrationally, of course) because this was MY thing, the activity that I had wanted to indulge in that weekend, and someone else stood to benefit from it now and I was walking out empty handed. I felt rather unimportant. So I gave him attitude about it, then realized how wrong I was, and apologized. I told him one thing yet I was feeling something entirely different and I expected him to say "no, we''ll get a bracelet for you and I''ll come back for hers." But he took my words at face value and did exactly what I asked instead, and then I faulted him for it! Yikes--I was now the crazy high maintenance girl!

It was my lack of effective communication that caused any issue between us over that. I have to change my thinking when that happens and realize it''s nothing to do with him and everything to do with how I''m reacting to something and then tell him how it makes me feel, not be passive about it and then stew. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to share with you that I know where you''re coming from. Hope it helps a bit.

 

[fieryred33143]

Thanks ladies for sharing your experiences.

HH-You need to rub some of that ''be direct'' dust on me

ksinger-Thank you for your input. I have a really hard time taking the ''feeling'' out of anything and just being direct. And by the time I do get direct, it''s usually accompanied by angered feelings that are not his fault. It''s my fault that I''m not direct from the beginning.

Monarch-

Date: 4/27/2010 9:38:18 AM
Author: monarch64
Meanwhile I was internally stewing (irrationally, of course) because this was MY thing, the activity that I had wanted to indulge in that weekend, and someone else stood to benefit from it now and I was walking out empty handed. I felt rather unimportant. So I gave him attitude about it, then realized how wrong I was, and apologized. I told him one thing yet I was feeling something entirely different and I expected him to say ''no, we''ll get a bracelet for you and I''ll come back for hers.'' But he took my words at face value and did exactly what I asked instead, and then I faulted him for it! Yikes--I was now the crazy high maintenance girl!

It was my lack of effective communication that caused any issue between us over that. I have to change my thinking when that happens and realize it''s nothing to do with him and everything to do with how I''m reacting to something and then tell him how it makes me feel, not be passive about it and then stew. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to share with you that I know where you''re coming from. Hope it helps a bit.

That is something that I would totally do (and probably have done in the past). It does help a lot to know that while it''s not the best way to approach things, at least I''m not the only person that does so. It''s great to hear that you recognized what was going on and figured out how to solve it because I can definitely use those tips in my own situation. Thanks so much for sharing!

 

[princesss]

Oh, Fiery, I''ve done the same thing. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I expect him to read my mind, dangit!

And you know what happens every time I do? I end up getting upset. And then he gets upset. And we''re just one big upset mess.

What I''ve found works for me is spelling things out like I would if we spoke two different languages - being very clear, not trying to hide behind the "polite" language most women use ("Well, if you don''t mind, I''d like to..." etc), just spelling it out. Sometimes I get annoyed that he doesn''t just *get it*, but spelling it out gets the results I want. And, as a bonus, he seems a lot happier when he knows what I want (probably because I''m not getting crazy when he does what he thinks I want and it''s wrong - like the time he rearranged my living room while I was on vacation because he thought I was hinting when I said, "I think I want to rearrange the furniture when I get back," - poor guy, even when he tried to figure out a hint, it was wrong!).

 

[huskylover]

I tend to be rather direct, so this doesn''t come up too often. But my (related) question is - how do you go about doing this for special occasions?

I find most of the time I''m disappointed (and hoping he can read my mind) is when I want him to do something "special" as a "suprise" because its my birthday/our anniversary/something else. I can''t obviously say "Hi Honey, can you please make me breakfast in bed tomorrow so I feel like you think I''m special?" Because then there''s no surprise, sure he might do it, but I don''t feel like he went out of his way to do it, I feel like he did it because I asked him to.

Or even when its not special - I''ll often times stop on my way home from work to pick up something I know he likes for dinner. He would never ever think of doing that - I have to say "Can you please pick up dinner on the way home?"

Do I just realize that this isn''t something he''s going to ever do because it isn''t in his nature?

 

[doodle]

Men are like computers. You give ''em data, and they process it. If they intuitively do what you want them to without a direct command, it''s because they had a good program installed, but the creation of that program takes someone patient enough to give a lot of commands and data first. It can take a while to get used to, but being direct does BOTH of you a world of good!

 

[decodelighted]

REALIZING what happened and what part you contributed to your own distress is HALF the battle! Seriously. The first time it clicks and you go HMMMMMMMM ... that''s on ME: you become automatically more aware of times it''ll happen in the future. I agree with the previous advice about trying to be as logical and clear with your requests. And being honest with yourself. As Monarch''s story goes -- she DID want that bracelet for herself. She wanted to NOT want it ... she wanted to be the martyr ... but actually she wanted the bracelet MORE than she wanted to be a martyr.

Only she realized that too late & was hoping HE would take the decision out of her hands & be the Hero, so she didn''t have to reveal her "ugly selfish" parts. (How it felt at the time probably, not how *I* think of your parts, Monarch

Getting more comfortable with admitting what you ACTUALLY want, even when its not prettied up ... is a huge part of INTIMACY. Right?

 

[junebug17]

Ah Fiery, my husband and I go through stuff like this all the time! One of his favorite sayings is "I''m not a mind-reader you know!" Men tend to be very literal, so I''ve found it''s best to be as direct and specific as possible. Although, I have to say that your FMIL threw a bit of a monkey wrench into this by bringing the topic up herself! Sounds like neither you nor FI anticipated that would happen, so in your defense, you couldn''t really be specific, because you didn''t foresee she would bring it up. And, generally speaking, men don''t like drama so I could see FI not getting into it with FMIL. He probably thought to himself "mom realizes she upset fiery" and left it at that (plus the fact that you told him not to mention you were hurt). Just one of those weird things that happen that nobody really anticipated, kwim?

 

[RaiKai]

Overall, in the general sense, I think it really helps sit down and actually talk about HOW you each communicate. In a general sense, this means asking what you expect from one another in communication, how he likes to hear things, what environment you like to talk about things, and all of that.

DH and I both have done relationship workshops (individually) where we learned the same "communication model". We both are familiar with the model and while we do not have to use it ALL the time....we certainly find it helps to use in situations that are more prone to misunderstanding or conflict. DH loves the model as for him it helps keep things CLEAR. It does involve sharing our reactions and feelings, but also in a non-confrontational, non-blaming way. Basically it involves a mixture of what is triggering our response, sharing our interpretation about it, sharing our feeling about it, what our intention is in sharing it, and so on. And...very importantly...to "check out" with each other and to re-frame. It is designed for general relationship communication when talking to the other person directly, but I find it mostly reminds us to take things slow and be really clear with one another and I think it can be applied in a third-party situation too.....recognizing that ideally it should be his mum maybe you talk to eventually!

Generally the model is "perception, interpretation, feeling, intention, action" followed by "checking it out".

Here is an example:

You: Mr. fiery, is now a good time to talk to you about something?

Mr. fiery: Sure, fiery. Did you want to sit down?

You: Sure, let's sit on the couch.

You: When I heard your mother say that she did not like my new dress (*I am making this up of course!), and saw her scrunch her face up as she said it to me, I assumed that she was being somewhat critical of me. This may not have been her intention, but I felt quite withdrawn and hurt when she said these things. My intention in sharing this is with you is to let you know what is going on for me and why I was quiet the entire car ride home. I would like to hear your thoughts.

Mr. fiery: Thanks for sharing fiery. What I heard is that when you heard those comments from my mother last night, you imagined she was being mean and you felt hurt. Is there anything you would like from me?

You: Mr. fiery, I do not want you to bring it up with your mother, but if she conveys that she is a bit concerned about it, I would like it if you could ask her to call me so we can talk. Do you understand this request?

Mr. fiery: I think I do fiery, let me just make sure. You do not want me to bring it up with her, but if she asks you would like me to tell her you would like to talk to her. Is that right?

You: Yes, thanks Mr. fiery for listening. I really appreciate that you took the time to listen.


Note...Mr. fiery does not have to agree OR disagree with your feelings or reactions or anything in this case - indeed he can't as he is NOT his mother. If you were talking to his mother she could say "I agree I was being critical" or "I disagree I was being critical". Neither he or his mother can actually accept responsibility for your feelings, they can only agree or disagree with your interpretation of their actions.

The important thing for you in this is that you have communicated specifically what your intention in telling him IS. And he has had opportunity to check out with you whether he has understood correctly.

And remember too, you only have control over your OWN actions. Not his. You can request something from him, but Mr. fiery has to choose whether he wants to act on that or not.

I am not saying YOU need to use this exact model, rather, we have discussed what works for us and I am sharing what does work for us as we are both familiar with it. This is what works for us when things are sensitive or when emotions are running higher. The majority of the time we do not talk specifically like this and it is never this "formal" sounding as it comes across typed out, but it does help when it comes to some more sensitive issues to try and remember the "model".

Far from being controlling...my DH appreciates this so much. I do too! It makes things really simple for us both and takes out the guesswork, the mind reading and the misunderstandings. The feeling IS still there. The emotions ARE still there. The difference is that we accept responsibility for our own feelings and emotions and work towards a solution together without allowing those feelings and emotions (which come from our own s***) to control the situation - we attack the problem, not the people.

The wonderful thing is that in these cases I can fully accept that I maybe AM being selfish without getting spun up or feeling WORSE about it (i.e. stewing in it)...and I am neither using it to "control" the situation, nor is DH feeling like I am throwing all my selfishness his way. I can just say something like (using Monarchs example) "when we left the store, and I saw that we would not be getting the bracelet today, I imagined that the entire weekend I had looked forward to had crashed and burned and I felt angry and resentful toward you. I know you had no idea what was going on in my head, but I really wanted that bracelet and had been looking forward to it all weekend! And when we left, I felt selfish and wanted the bracelet and even wanted you to want me to get it. I know you had no way of knowing what was going on in my head. My intention in telling you this is I want to go and get that bracelet, even if we have to find someone else to get the promotion for us, and I would like for you to scheme with me so we can get it."

I find that in situations like this, both DH and I end up in fits of laughter more often than not to be honest as we admit and recognize our frailties. I realize I am being a jerk, and DH will tease me about it knowing the tides change on another day! Because we BOTH have these elements inside of us and it's a big moment of truth for us both. And we laugh at how ridiculous it was that in the past that might of been something we stewed about for days or got super-angry about. Why? When it really can break down so simply!

Here is how a conversation might go if it is between you and his mother directly:

You: Mom of Mr. fiery, the other night I heard you make a comment about my dress, and when you did I saw your face scrunch up. When I heard and saw this, I imagined that you were critical of my worth as a woman and as a wife for Mr. fiery (*making this up of course and adding an overreacting!). I felt very withdrawn and repulsed. I am sharing this with you as I care about you and want to have a positive relationship. My intention is to tell you this so I can hear what was going on for you, and grow closer to you. Do you agree or disagree with what was going on?

Mom of Mr. fiery: fiery, I had no idea! Thank you for sharing. I think you are a wonderful woman and will be an excellent wife. My face scrunched up as the dog farted at the exact time I was making a comment on your dress - which I love by the way!

Of course, since Mom of Mr. fiery has probably NO idea what the heck you are trying to do with the model (unlike your DH) she may not respond this way at all. It definitely helps when everyone sort of is on board.

 

[RaiKai]

Sorry for the length of my previous post! Hope it helps somewhat though.

 

[fieryred33143]

Thanks so much everyone for all of your thoughts/tips.

Date: 4/27/2010 4:41:46 PM
Author: RaiKai
Sorry for the length of my previous post! Hope it helps somewhat though.

It absolutely did help! Especially this part:

Note...Mr. fiery does not have to agree OR disagree with your feelings or reactions or anything in this case - indeed he can''t as he is NOT his mother.

One of the things I realized (of course after our argument) is that the reason why I assumed he would just tell her she was hurtful is because I also assumed he would just take my side or at least feel the same way I did about what she said. When he said that I was being too sensitive, it felt like ''how dare you not feel like I do about what was said to me.'' You are right that he doesn''t have to agree/disagree because he wasn''t involved in the conversation.

Actually, a blessing and sometimes curse is that he is very rational. When I first called him to tell him how upset I was, he was trying to calm me down so that he can understand exactly what was said and what happened. Instead I just told him ''why do you need to know anything else? This is what she said to me. Why do you need to know the entire conversation?''

What he later tried to explain to me was that he knows that when it comes to DD, anything someone says to me in criticism I take to heart and he wanted to analyze the comment from an outsiders perspective (outsider meaning a person not involved directly in the conversation).

I think that''s great...but one area I think he needs to work on is being a little more understanding. Yes, I''m sensitive when it comes to topics about my DD but when it comes to your loved one sometimes rationality takes an extended vacation

and sometimes I just need someone to say ''yeah that was a really jerky thing to say'' rather than ''well let''s analyze the situation.''

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 4/27/2010 9:02:18 AM
Author:fiery
I
So........how do I break this habit? This isn't the first time he has accused me of doing this. I have tried to be more direct with what I want and what I expect but most of the times I just want him to figure these things out. I don't feel like I needed to spell it out for him that what his mom said was hurtful and that he should know that if his mom mentions it he should at least say something but apparently I do have to say something. Do I just assume he has a blank mind and tell him exactly what I expect from him every time we talk? That seems a little too controlling, doesn't it? I just picture myself going: this is the situation, this is how you are going to react, this is what you are going to say, etc.

1 Well, he won't

Some men just think differently than us. I think our assumptions about relationships often bite us in the tush. Ask yourself some questions: Why is it important to you that he figure it out? Do you have an underlying expectation that if he can figure it out it will mean something, like he really loves you? Or does it just feel awkward to explain? If this is an ongoing issue, thinking about *why* you don't like explaining your feelings is a good place to start. I would wager that explaining your feelings makes you feel vulnerable, that is usually why people don't like communicating their needs directly. If you explain it directly and your paretner does *not* respond, then it is a clear sign they do not really care very much. If we are unclear, then we can blame their lack of appropriate response on miscommunication. So it is a safety thing to be indirect. But unfortunately, all it does is lead to pain and frustration, as you have found. Be direct. He will respond!

2. Yup

I assume this does not happen with every single conversation you have. Think back about the times this has happened. What are the specific topics where you don't like expressing your needs/wants and where he lets you down? If you can see the pattern, then you can know that *those* are the situations where you need to be really explicit.

FWIW, my DH is the same way and he is VERY literal. You said "Don't talk about it" and so he won't! That is just how his brain works. If you want him to do something sightly different, then ya gotta spell it out. It is not controlling, it is communicating!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think this is a common communication problem. I see two issues here. You expect him to know what you feel w/o telling him in a clear, concise manner. The other is you have a case of the "I know what is right" which I can also relate too. I do think it is important to use "I feel" types of statements during an argument and state what is really going on. If you "stuff" your feelings you will only build up resentments and/or explode in inappropriate ways at inappropriate times. The second is an immaturity issue. It is hard to admit you are not ALWAYS right but everyone really does deserve to have a voice. I think awareness is the first step so you are moving in the right direction!

 

[steph72276]

I also think this is very common in relationships. We as women want our guys to know what to do without us having to spell things out for them. But they just need us to be more straightforward and honest about what we need/want. After being with my husband for 10 years now, I can can tell you I''ve gotten much better at just getting to the point with him. I find it works much better than just expecting him to know what I want/need and then stewing inside when he doesn''t pick up the hint. Guys need more than hints!

 

[Kaleigh]

Men need clear statements... They don't deal well without them. Kinda when they are lost, they don't want to pull over and get directions..

It's like you have to state the obvious and go over every little detail... But since I learned this , all goes well....

It gets even more important as your kid, (kids) get older.

Your LO is soooo cute!!!

 

[lilyfoot]

fiery, you''ve gotten the best advice in this thread already, so I just wanted to jump in and say I love your new avatar! Your daughter is so ridiculously precious!

 

[swingirl]

You got better advice. I'll delete mine. Good luck.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

My DH and I actually have the opposite. Since his mom raised them in a disfunctional household, he is really good at being on egg shells and reading things as being passive agressive when they are not. He freaks out when I put the dishes away to loud.
I on the other hand was raised that if you want something, you say it or you might not get it. If I tell my DH to spoil or not spoil me on my birthday, he will do it and I will be happy because I got what I wanted. It drives some distant relatives nuts that we know how much they spend on gifts and so tell them what we would like in that range. That is how everyone in my nuclear family does it and guess what, we all get and give what is wanted and everyone is happy.

I guess it really is a matter of what is worse? Is it worse that you have to spell everything out or that things don''t go the way you want? I know for me, it saves a lot of agrivation when my DH just tells me what he wants and he loves that I do so he doesn''t have to try and guess.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 4/27/2010 4:15:45 PM
Author: decodelighted
REALIZING what happened and what part you contributed to your own distress is HALF the battle! Seriously. The first time it clicks and you go HMMMMMMMM ... that''s on ME: you become automatically more aware of times it''ll happen in the future. I agree with the previous advice about trying to be as logical and clear with your requests. And being honest with yourself. As Monarch''s story goes -- she DID want that bracelet for herself. She wanted to NOT want it ... she wanted to be the martyr ... but actually she wanted the bracelet MORE than she wanted to be a martyr.

Only she realized that too late & was hoping HE would take the decision out of her hands & be the Hero, so she didn''t have to reveal her ''ugly selfish'' parts. (How it felt at the time probably, not how *I* think of your parts, Monarch


Getting more comfortable with admitting what you ACTUALLY want, even when its not prettied up ... is a huge part of INTIMACY. Right?

You nailed it. BUT IT WAS JEWELRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
(The rest of the story is that SO went back to the store with his certificate later that week and picked up the upgraded version of the bracelet for me. Totally unexpected, but apparently he believes in positively reinforcing my apologies.)

The "huge part of INTIMACY" is so true. We gotta let down the old guard and just trust that our ugly/selfish bits will be accepted sometimes, I think.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/27/2010 10:51:08 PM
Author: monarch64

Date: 4/27/2010 4:15:45 PM

Author: decodelighted


Getting more comfortable with admitting what you ACTUALLY want, even when its not prettied up ... is a huge part of INTIMACY. Right?

The 'huge part of INTIMACY' is so true. We gotta let down the old guard and just trust that our ugly/selfish bits will be accepted sometimes, I think.

This is something that I sure battled with being able to do for about 28 or 29 years of my life. The underlying fear of rejection had me wear a mask even at the silliest times and deny myself...never mind my partner...my own true feelings or thoughts. The result? A lot of pain and frustration both personally...and in relationships where while there was a whole lot of "comfort" there was really no true intimacy. Note that being able to fart in front of one another is NOT intimacy! Ha.

As difficult as it was (and still is!) at times to share what I really want, or really feel, or really think, it has greatly improved my relationships. DH, which is amazing to me still at times, accepts my "ugly bits" and even states they really aren't that ugly at all. He may not always agree with me, but he never has "rejected" me and indeed always feels closer to me after hearing my "ugly bits" (nothing gets him more turned on then intimacy....who knew!). And I feel a heck of a lot more safe and secure knowing I am "free to be me" and loved for it.

Men go through it too. It took DH about 33 years to stop hiding behind his own mask.