What are your opinions about ''upgrading'' an engagement ring?

[Imdanny]

I'd like to hear your thoughts about this! Whether you think it is OK or not OK.

Maybe the fact that this is a diamond forum skews our perceptions on this topic (?) but personally I'm surprised how many people view an engagement ring as an replaceable item.

Your thoughts?

 

[Deelight]

I can understand why people do it but personally I never plan on upgrading my e-ring (when I eventually get it) the ring he proposes to me with is it .

However I am definitely not adverse to collecting

 

[cwj]

I personal see nothing wrong with it. I am quite thankful that we have been able to upgrade along the way. Alot of people feel the ring shows his love on the day he asked, maybe or maybe he couldn''t afford a diamond that he really want to give at that time. I think its ok either way, trade or not to trade. It really depends on how you feel about it, no right or wrong.

 

[girlie-girl]

I think it''s an individual preference. I tend to be very sentimental and therefore wouldn''t want to give up my original engagement ring. I do appreciate their value and understand often times to get something "bigger/better" people need the trade-in option. (Akin it to using the equity in your house after you sell it as a down payment on a new house.) I think if both parties involved are okay with the replacement, then it''s okay for them. Not all couples would feel comfortable doing such a thing, but to each his own.

What I think is most important is that the couple discuss this type of scenario in the beginning so both are clear on how the other feels. Many couples start out with a modest stone/setting, because that''s all their budget will allow, with the intention to upgrade it in a few years time or on a special anniversary.

 

[dockman3]

I''ve thought about this a lot, actually, since reading this forum. I didn''t realize that so many people did upgrade since I didn''t know anybody personally who had. I''ve talked about it with my future FI a little bit, and we are definitely not going to upgrade. I know that she wants to wear the ring I give her for the rest of her life, which is why I''ve been saving for a long time and searched for a long time to find the perfect ring for her. I had a budget originally set, but then realized that I couldn''t get the setting I wanted, so I had to up my budget and finance part of the purchase, just so we wouldn''t have to trade in later. I''ve put so much thought and effort into this that I would be extremely disappointed and devastated if she ever traded it in. Now that''s not to say that I won''t ever buy her another diamond ring, but it will never replace this original one. Out of all of the diamonds and settings in the world, this is the ring that best suits her, and that''s a really special thing.

 

[diamondfan]

I think that it is very personal. I kept my first stone and made a pendant when I got my first upgrade. The second time, I traded the upgraded stone in for the new one. I know some people are sentimental about their ring and maybe would get a new stone as a RHR only, and not trade their stone in. I do not think there is a right or wrong answer if you are okay with it and can afford it.

 

[heb1976]

I think it''s a matter of the sentimental value that is placed on the ring. I''m upgrading for my 10th anniversary on Saturday and have no sentimental feelings about my old ering. But I will add that I was impatient and jumped the gun and suggested to my husband(then boyfriend) to lets get married. So he never proposed, I guess I kind of did, and we picked out the ring together after we were already engaged. My wedding band on the other hand is sentimental and we will save our set for our children.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/19/2008 10:32:34 AM
Author: diamondfan
I think that it is very personal. I kept my first stone and made a pendant when I got my first upgrade. The second time, I traded the upgraded stone in for the new one. I know some people are sentimental about their ring and maybe would get a new stone as a RHR only, and not trade their stone in. I do not think there is a right or wrong answer if you are okay with it and can afford it.

Ditto.

 

[purrfectpear]

I think a lot of PS''rs use the term upgrade but they aren''t actually trading in their original diamonds. Some have, but a lot are just calling the larger second ring an upgrade

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I agree that it''s a personal preference, but I would recommend:

1. Making sure you''re both on the same page--if either one of you is sentimental, then you have to talk about whether upgrading is an option.
2. Having the upgrade conversation before the original e-ring is bought.

I have a very emotional attachment to my e-ring--not only are DH and I sentimental, but the whole process of selecting it, having him carry it around with him and the actual proposal are all very near and dear to my heart. I would also like to hand my e-ring down to my children/grandchildren one day and I want to be able to hand down the exact ring that he proposed with.

Other rings are very much an option, though, which is sort of a win/win because I can select different styles of rings.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

We have not upgraded my e-ring yet, but intend to do so for our fifth anniversary. But, I love the ring that I have now, and we don''t plan to trade it in when we do the upgrade ~ I''ll just start wearing it as a right hand ring. My current e-ring isn''t necessarily the biggest/best quality in the world, but it means a lot to me and it was what we could afford at the time, so I definitely plan to keep it. We wanted to get engaged, and the ring was really just a secondary consideration. We always knew that we would eventually upgrade the ring when we could afford to do so ~ that''s something we had discussed from the beginning. When we upgrade, I will probably get a new wedding band as well, to match my new e-ring. But, I plan to keep my current wedding band as well ~ I may even decide to wear it on my left hand along with my new set.

 

[Elegant]

Although I have been with my boyfriend for 15 years, and I do not have an e-ring, if/when I do get one, I will not upgrade it. I think for anniversary''s I would prefer an anniversary ring (which is what I am asking for now...). My friend, who received a 2 ct. e-ring upon proposal, told me that she plans on upgrading her ring within the next couple of years, but that is what her family does - she says her ring is the smallest of them all...poor her! Her husband understands that (I think).

I agree with other posters - it is a very personal decision, to be made by and understood by both parties. But, if I were to ever get engaged and get married I would want to keep those exact rings because I am a VERY sentimental person and would not be able to replace either, change them to a different finger, change them into another piece of jewelery, or basically take them off that finger ever. But please keep in mind this is very hypothetical because I do not have one...

Just my little ol'' opinion~

 

[2danes]

I will keep my original diamond forever,
but like many here, I will probably have it set into a pendant. We''ve only been married (almost) 2 years, for me it''s exciting to think about an upgrade for our 10th anniversary.

Getting my ering really opened my eyes in terms of HOW MUCH I love diamonds.
When we talked about getting engaged, he thought of me as a rugged, outdoorsy girl (and in fact I am...) and he decided that I wouldn''t want a big diamond as it might "get in the way." What neither of us counted on was that became a rugged, outdoorsy girl who LOVES diamonds! And yes, I have rough and rugged hands for a girl, so all the more reason why a BIGGER diamond might make me feel girlier! Silly? Maybe, but whatever, as long as he and I agree.

Annie

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Annie, the exact same thing happened to me...DH laughs about my "only girlie hobbie".

 

[Bliss]

I think it depends on the couple. Never would I pass judgment on another couple for something like that. Couples are all so different. I mean, some people have kids first and then get married. Some people never get married but have amazing lifelong partnerships. Some people get married and divorced. Some stay together forever. Some do and they hate each others'' guts. It''s all different and personal.

I mean, I say as long as it makes the couple happy and you can well afford it -- knock yourselves out! I want other people to be happy and if they get something that makes them happy, hooray for us all.

And more bling for us to look at!

I would be sad to trade my original diamond in, but FI and I do plan to upgrade in a couple years. I wouldn''t mind keeping my original diamond in the family and it would make me happy if my mom wore it in a RHR or pendant. Even the wedding rings -- if FI wanted to change & get a blingier one down the road (sooo not him but let''s just say), I would be all for it! Whatever makes him happy makes me happy.

I mean, what matters isn''t the ring itself. It''s the symbolism and love behind it. As long as FI loves, respects and honors me and I love, respect and honor him... who cares about the metal and carbon? It''s a beautiful symbol of our incredible and even more beautiful love. That''s why I love it so much. But the ring itself without the love and integrity behind it means nada.

 

[2danes]

Date: 6/19/2008 11:55:17 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Annie, the exact same thing happened to me...DH laughs about my ''only girlie hobbie''.

LOL NewEnglandLady!
My poor DH never knew what he was starting with the first one!

Back on topic: Something else to consider... sometimes things happen that are OUT OF YOUR CONROL.
For example, I have a very simple 2mm platinum band that was to be my "forever band," but due to my accident in November, all my rings had to be cut off my ring finger. I was VERY upset, and had to reconvince myself that the rings are just a "symbol." But when the jeweler cut them off, there were definite tears in my eyes!

I now where my wedding band and my eternity band on my right hand, and eagerly await my engagement ring reset to arrive so that my lonely ring finger is no longer "naked."
Because of my accident, my ring finger is now 2 sizes larger than it originally was, so there was really NO WAY to have my original bands on that finger.

Life happens, fingers swell... or break, lol.

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

Date: 6/19/2008 10:06:06 AM
Author:Imdanny
I''d like to hear your thoughts about this! Whether you think it is OK or not OK.

Maybe the fact that this is a diamond forum skews our perceptions on this topic (?) but personally I''m surprised how many people view an engagement ring as an replaceable item.

Your thoughts?

For me, it wasn''t that the engagement ring was a replaceable item, but that my fiance went out an bought something I did not like. That is the only reason I "upgraded" the first time. I''m upgrading again because I have been married 16 years now and wanted a 1 ct. diamond in a new set. While a lot of us are sentimental about our first engagement rings to a certain extent, a lot of us'' tastes have changed over the years and we want something to reflect that.

The ring that he proposed to me with was a .24 or .25 ct. round (can''t remember) set into a yellow gold tiffany setting. At the time, I didn''t like rounds or tiffany solitaires on me (I liked them on other people). Also, to be totally honest, because I had waited until I was 27 to get married, I guess my expectation of my engagement ring was that it would cost more than $400. Not trying to sound greedy, but he didn''t even look into options on how to get a .5 ct. marquise set into a simple band with small baguettes on each side (what I really wanted). I would have been happy to pitch in, but the issue was not even discussed. And once he had bought the setting, we were stuck with it.

I eventually traded the round for an I1 marquise and had it set into the band I wanted. When the band was sized to a 5, the baguettes came loose from the bar setting and they were never able to fix it. The whole thing was a huge disappointment. I ended up setting the .36 ct. marquise into another band which I wore for 14 years. I feel no sentimentality toward that marquise diamond at all. Call me cold, I don''t care. I''m finally getting a wedding set (my first!) that is in a style that I love, with a diamond that I love. This diamond is a keeper, something to pass down to my granddaughter (I have only one son!) So I guess my feeling is that upgrading is not a negative thing like you are "replacing the past" although I don''t mind looking at it that way in my case because the whole e-ring thing was a total let-down.

 

[akmiss]

I have no problems with the idea of upgrading. Initially it was the plan but I have since fallen "in love" with my diamond. Yes, I never pegged myself as sentimental but I love my little baby. I still hope that it grows up in a couple of years

 

[Diamond*Dana]

I agree that it is very personal. I now wear my three stone that I received for our tenth anniversary and a plain pipe cut band that I received for our iith anniversary, this is now my wedding set. To me it represents our marriage and the life we have made thus far. I still have my original e-ring stone, and I will never trade it in. It is currently loose because my original setting was damaged and I am just not sure if I want it reset in a ring or a pendant...but I will never part with it.

 

[Kaleigh]

It''s a personal thing. My husband upgraded my ring as a suprise, so obviously he was fine with it. The ring he proposed with, we still have, I wore it for 15 years.

 

[Shoopy]

Hey we are talking about this on LIW too!! You might want to pop in for some addt''l opinions.

My own is that your ring is a reflection of who you and your partner were at the time of purchase. If that means you could only afford a $700 ring or lucky enough to get a $100,000 ring, then that''s what you should wear proudly forever.

I wouldn''t upgrade. I would feel as though I''m lying to everyone and more importantly to myself about who we were when he originally proposed.

 

[LGK]

Ditto to what 2danes said. Sometimes you have no plans on ever changing your wedding set, and then it gets destroyed or you lose it (or in my case, first one, then the other!) I was married at 24 with a .20 carat diamond in an Art Deco wedding set from the 1930s. I wore a size 2 3/4 at the time, but it got sized to a 2 1/2. Several years later I had my thyroid taken out, gained about 30 lbs, and realized that the ring would NOT BUDGE. So I finally had it cut off, then put it somewhere Really Really Safe. Haven't seen it since. Maybe it'll turn up when we move soon? I hope! There's no way to make it a size 5 though, so it will never be wearable however. (Or larger, though I wear a 4 3/4 to 5, I like my rings around a size too big because if they're even a tiny bit tight, I get claustrophobic a bit... the feeling of not being able to get a ring off is just purely unpleasant and it kinda sticks with you).

I didn't wear a ring for about three years- or rather, just a selection of non-sentimental "fun" rings... my DH simply couldn't care less if I wear a ring or not. I think he finally noticed that I wasn't wearing my wedding set a couple years later and suggested, much to my complete shock, that I hunt down a diamond I liked.

It worked out- I finally got a 1+ ct OEC in a beautiful antique platinum setting, which was what I had always coveted but never expected to own. But I wish I at least had my old set in my jewelry box, if nowhere else.

So sometimes things just happen, and even if you'd never even heard the word "upgrade" (I hadn't!) that's just how things work out. Usually a replacement ring for a lost one is going to be an upgrade if you've been married a while, since people's financial situation usually improves over the years.

 

[Bliss]

Well, people also get different wedding bands to mix and match.

That doesn't lessen the relationship at all. The most important thing is the relationship and the couple's devotion to each other. I'd be more sentimental about my wedding band than my engagement ring since the e-ring is a promise and the wedding band is the promise fulfilled. But I also plan to have different wedding bands -- a blingy one and a simple platinum one. That doesn't change my love and devotion for FI. It kind of enhances it, actually.

More ways to celebrate our marriage! Hey, every day is a celebration in itself.

I remember Celine Dion in a magazine article said, "Every day is my birthday." And it is, in a way. Each day of life is such an incredible gift. I don't see why we can't celebrate it in some way. It's special. And it's ours. To be alive and to have loved ones, to love others is a miracle. So bling it up, people! Be happy! That isn't to say don't save and be frugal, but if you can well afford to, why not?

I never will forget my grandmother. When she passed away, she left behind wonderful cashmere sweaters and wraps still in the tissue paper. Brand new! Bottles of perfume she was always saving. She also had nice jewelry she never wore because she was saving it for special days. I wish she would have enjoyed her beautiful things and lived more fully in the moment. That's why I wear my e-ring wherever I go, so long as it's safe. It's insured and my FI bought it for me to enjoy. It would be a shame to put it in a dark little box! It brings us both such joy.

Besides, no matter what size diamond I wear, I will always remember and cherish who we were when we got engaged. It's such an amazing thing. All I'll have to do is look into my heart and I'll know. And those who love us and know us will know. Because inside, we'll be the same. But we will also have grown and changed, too.

 

[Rhea]

To me, an engagement ring is replaceable. Do I want to replace it? Not really, but the shank is thin, the setting is in horrible condition, and the metal has pitting in it. I''d rather have an engagement ring that I''m happy with (once we can afford it) than one that has lovely engagement memories, but also has numerous problems.

In general, upgrading doesn''t bother me. People''s taste and what they can afford changes. There''s no reason not to update your jewellery just as you do your shoes, hair, or any other part of your life. The engagement ring and wedding band are merely symbols.

 

[sklingem]

I guess upgrading is a personal choice that reflects your values and preferences. I think that an upgrade due an initially limited budget CAN be a good argument, but I think that there is a huge difference in terms of what the initial ring/stone was like and whether there was a mutual understanding at the time that there would be a future upgrade. While it is personal and subjective, I have much more "sympathy" for people who wanted to upgrade from a rather small stone (i.e. 1 ct) then it seems to me that we are talking about a personal choice to get something bigger because you LIKE (or think that you should have) big diamonds, not because it was too small/cheap in the first place. The argument that for some reason a bigger stone is in order just because (a) a certain time has passed; (b) because of some anniversary or (c) because one has more income is only an expression of your preferences and not a consequence of some "inevitability" or need. Some people buy bigger cars, houses and diamonds over time and that is just fine.
Would I want my fiancee to spend our money on an upgrade? No, and in all likelihood she won''t because the intial ring/stone would mean so much to her and because we both think that there are better ways for US to spend our money. And that is one reason I chose to be with her in the first place: a common set of values and preferences that does not include a constant upgrading, independent of our financial situation and the time we have been together.

 

[ladypirate]

I don''t plan on upgrading my engagement ring (when I get it), but I don''t see anything wrong with people that want to. I''m just sentimental like that.

Plus, I''d rather just get an additional RHR!

 

[Circe]

I think the terminology is the problem, as is frequently the case (anybody who says "just semantics" is either stupid, or being willfully deceptive). Personally speaking, I love the ring we chose together, and I''m so sentimental that I save the fortunes out of fortune cookies ... so while I''d never want to get rid of *this* ring, I certainly wouldn''t turn a different/additional one down, somewhere down the line! I don''t think "upgrade" is an accurate description of that scenario. I don''t think it fits situations where the wearer of the ring informs the giver of the ring that it''s lovely, but ... not what s/he had in mind immediately upon receipt, either. It''s frequently used to describe the acquisition of *any* additional "better" diamond (size, color, clarity, whatever), and it seems pretty inaccurate. Not to mention damning: it definitely carries connotations of dissatisfaction, ingratitude, etc. (which, even in straight-up scenarios where a couple makes the decision to buy another stone because they *want to* and they *can* seems ... icky and judgy: yes, those are the technical terms).

Why not just call it renewing one''s engagement ring, and have done with it? Works for the vows, ought to work for the paraphernalia ....

 

[Bliss]

Circe, you're brilliant! Renewing the e-ring...like vows. I vote for that being the new term.

 

[sklingem]

I think that Circe is correct. There are different scenarios:
(a) Getting a different setting and/or stone but for the same value of the initial one
(b) Getting a different setting and/or stone that is more expensive than the initial one

(a) and (b) can be done because of
- initial differences in taste between what the F had in mind and your taste
- changes in your taste/perceived need and wants over time
- loss, breakage and other unintended events

For me, and independent of the reason for a change, only (b) would be considered and "upgrade", a would be a "change/exchange" of the setting/stone. And let's not kid ourselves: upgrading an e-ring (according to (b)) is a sign of dissatisfaction. You are not satisfied with the initial ring any more. Does it mean that you were not grateful for it? No. But not being "satisfied enough" IS being dissatisfied in the end. Otherwise you would not get a new ring.
R.

 

[AggieTexan]

My original ering was a .8 pear set in yellow gold with three small prong set RBs on each side of the center stone. We were over the moon at this huge ring, because at the time (1986) we didn''t have very much money and we knew we wanted to buy a house. For our wedding we had two bands made with RBs across the top to wear on each side of the ering.

Almost immediately I had problems with the set.

The prongs caught on EVERYTHING, and I lost a few stones as a result. Another problem was the rings twirled around on my finger and got very uncomfortable. We had the rings soldered together to fix the problem and it helped some, but I was still prone to losing stones.

I don''t remember exactly when I had it done, but we had only been married a couple years when I had the ring completely remade. All the small stones were channel set in yg...think 1980''s! I wore that ring until last fall.

We decided together to upgrade to a completely new set for our 20th anniversary. I feel very lucky to proudly wear my new 2.43 RB with side stones and a full eternity band.

My new rings don''t diminish the excitement and joy I got from my first set for over 20 years, but they do reflect our tastes and how they''ve changed from when we were "kids" in our late 20''s to middle aged folks staring at 50 not too far away! My original diamond? I still have it because my sweet sentimental husband had it set into a pendant for me and surprised me with it at Christmas.