Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

weird situation--need advice

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
you girls are great with advice, so wondering what you think of a situation i have w/an old friend. some backstory: I
had a falling out w/a very good friend about 1 year ago. I think she was feeling down and annoyed that things were moving forward w/my bf. She was a pretty lousy friend during that period (withdrawn, didn''t respond, talked behind my back about me and FI), and it all culminated in her sending a nasty email to me out of the blue saying she couldn''t be friends anymore as i became consumed by my relationship. It was pretty ridiculous, especially for someone in their 30''s.

Fast forward, and now I kind of miss her since I''m getting married and can''t share the experience with her. However,she really wasn''t exactly supportive even when I was just dating FI. My FI is not crazy about her either and doesn''t understand why i miss the friendship. Anyway, she just invited me to a housewarming (invite was part of mass email though) since she moved to a nice new building. My first instinct is to go..see old friends, and maybe heal the friendship. My FI''s response was he had no interest, but I could go.
This kind of annoyed me...he has not interest in coming and supporting me? and how weird does it look when i show up newly engaged alone. FI says it''s not a nice gesture on my friend''s part b/c it was a mass email and she''s just showing off her new apt. I don''t see it that way exactly b/c i know how girls do things differently (more subtle, and sensitive).
I asked a mutual friend and she said FI and I should def go..to see old friends and also it''s a way to patch things up. i can tell she wouldn''t expect i would even consider going alone.

Who''s right here?
 

aljdewey

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 25, 2002
Messages
9,143
Date: 3/8/2007 12:23:37 PM
Author:janinegirly

Who''s right here?
I don''t think there is a right or wrong answer here.....it seems more about how each of you feels.

That said, I''d tend to lean more toward agreeing with your FI about his wishing not to go.

I''d imagine that from his viewpoint, this gal has been toxic and nasty about your relationship with him, and it''s likely hard for him to associate with anyone who''s going to treat his most beloved relationship (YOU) that way. It''s harder for guys to get over injurous relationships than it is for girls. They don''t forgive as easily.

In his shoes, I think I''d also be reluctant to attend because I''d think "why give her yet another opportunity to talk about us behind our backs after the party?"

I think he''s doing the right thing in saying "hey, I don''t begrude you going if you want to", but I do think he is entitled to decide he doesn''t want to attend based on his feelings about her. I don''t think this has anything to do with not wanting to ''support'' you, and if this is something you truly want to do, then it shouldn''t really be a ''support-requiring'' prospect.

I''m sure part of wanting to bring him is a small bit of vindication or satisfaction that you have a FIANCE to bring, especially after all the naysaying she did. But truly, it''s not worth it, especially if that satisfaction comes at your fiance''s expense.

In my honest opinion, it doesn''t look weird to show up alone. You''re engaged, not fused at the hip.
Attending alone doesn''t make you any less engaged, and I''m certain you''ll be attending with your engagement ring firmly on.
If anyone asks why he''s not there, it''s very simple to say "oh, he had plan already for a boys'' night out." No need for drama or lengthy explanation.

If it were me in this situation, I''d put a higher priority on my FI''s feelings than I would on the feelings or "what will then think" elements of people who have much less significance in my life. Just my humble opinion.
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
10,225
I''d go alone and wouldn''t think twice about it. The fact that you''re engaged does not mean that you always have to do things as a couple, or that others expect to always see you as a couple, especially for an informal event such as a housewarming.
 

littlelysser

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 8, 2005
Messages
1,862
I guess I don''t get why you''d aren''t considering going by yourself. That is what I would do.

I agree with the others that it is totally normal for your FI not to want to go...and she''s your friend, not his. And she''s been kind of hostile to him.

And why would it be weird to show up newly engaged and alone? You are engaged, not handcuffed to one another.

Your FI could totally have had other plans that night or he could be out of town on business...
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
11,534
Date: 3/8/2007 12:23:37 PM
Author:janinegirly
Fast forward, and now I kind of miss her .... My FI''s response was he had no interest, but I could go. This kind of annoyed me...he has not interest in coming and supporting me?
Here''s my take ... though you kinda miss her he *doesn''t* -- & that''s totally understandable because ALL he''s heard about her is the bad stuff FROM YOU. He didn''t know her as "a friend" before all that stuff went down. And he couldn''t read your mind that you HAD started to miss her. PLEASE don''t be annoyed at his response ... it shows - more than anything that he is feeling PROTECTIVE of you & his feelings were hurt FOR YOU, by proxy, when you told him all the stuff she did & said.

It''s hard for a guy to make a 360 turn based on emotions HE''S NOT HAVING. And knowing that if it DOESN''T turn out well -- you''ll be back crying on his shoulder & he could have "Saved You" from it if he could have talked you out of going & opening that door again to possible pain.

FWIW - I don''t think it would be *weird* in the teensiest weensiest way for you to go to the housewarming WITHOUT him. In fact I think it''s 100% more likely to help HEAL your friendship ... she''ll be able to see that you''re really still *YOU*, you''re NOT joined at the hip with HIM, you can take time for HER without having your MAN along, and she WON''T feel as threatened by the relationship. Your relationship between you & her is best healed by YOU AND HER. If and when it''s HEALED -- then bring in the fella.


p.s. -- I kinda suspect your anger at HIM is because you secretly want the "back up" ... you want someone else in your corner when you do see her for the first time ... well 2 on 1 isn''t *really* a fair "fight" is it?
 

luckystar112

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2007
Messages
3,962
The only thing I would be worried about is:

A) If she accidentally sent you the email. Not likely, but not impossible.
B) If she sent it on purpose just to show off, but not really expecting you to come. But then you come with your brand new engagement ring and she thinks you''re trying to show her up!

It sounds like she sent you the invitation in a mass email as her very indirect way of saying "sorry". That way she can tell herself she "tried". She''s probably not the type of person who apologizes, but does have a conscience and wants to make things right. Still, that fight seemed 100% jealousy provoked, so who knows what she might think.

Does she know you''re engaged already? Cause if so, ignore that last part!
 

Jas12

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 16, 2006
Messages
2,330
If you really do want to patch things up, I would certainly think you would go alone. If the problem started with the arrival of the FI on the scene then having him there is not going to make it easy for you to put that behind you guys (it shouldn''t be that way, but it was obviously an issue for her in the past).
Question to ask yourslef: do you want him there so you can secretly show off your engagement--sorta like a "see, there was a reason i spent so much time with him--we are now getting married" or simply "I really want to put the nastiness behind us"

I guess it comes down to this: what are *your* motives for wanting to see her and what do you hope you will get out of it
 

larussel03

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 22, 2005
Messages
1,747
Date: 3/8/2007 1:53:34 PM
Author: luckystar112
The only thing I would be worried about is:

A) If she accidentally sent you the email. Not likely, but not impossible.
B) If she sent it on purpose just to show off, but not really expecting you to come. But then you come with your brand new engagement ring and she thinks you''re trying to show her up!

It sounds like she sent you the invitation in a mass email as her very indirect way of saying ''sorry''. That way she can tell herself she ''tried''. She''s probably not the type of person who apologizes, but does have a conscience and wants to make things right. Still, that fight seemed 100% jealousy provoked, so who knows what she might think.

Does she know you''re engaged already? Cause if so, ignore that last part!
I think it''s likely choice B.

I had a friend, who I told off and told her I didn''t want to be friends b/c she was just a generally bad friend and I got really sick of her antics (it was pretty extreme), and she STILL, even though I''ve moved out of state and never invited her to any of my parties, sends me an Evite or includes me on her emails updating everyone on things like moving in with her bf, or buying a condo. She''s trying to rub my face in it, which is really silly...I don''t send her emails updating people on my address, or party invites. Heck, I really want to kick her off my MySpace friends list, but we have like 2 mutual friends so I don''t want to do anything that''s outwardly "mean" to her b/c it''d make it awkward for them. Ahhh, MySpace politics. haha

but I digress...I''d not go and not respond either. If I were you, I''d assume she was just trying to be like "oh, look how wonderful my life is now without you, pooh pooh pooh"
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
well my friend extended the invite to my FI and I. She does know we are engaged. there are several mutual friends invited who i haven''t seen since this all went down, and some are now pregnant, engaged, married and all will be coming with SO''s. A few who will be there are also invited to my wedding, so would be a great chance mingle with them too.
I''d like my FI there (if i had my choice) because it''d be nice for him to see these friends again and also for moral support for me because it might be uncomfortable at first. Before FI, I would have taken a close gf, but now FI is my best friend, so it would be nice. i know that''s maybe selfish, so i''ll plan on going alone.
 

littlelysser

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 8, 2005
Messages
1,862
Could you perhaps contact your friend first - in a nice email that basically says I was happy and surprised that you invited me...blah blah blah...maybe get some of the awkwardness out of the way...figure out her intentions stuff before you decide to go.

Maybe?

Just a thought.
 

FireGoddess

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 25, 2005
Messages
12,145
Date: 3/8/2007 1:07:55 PM
Author: aljdewey

I''d tend to lean more toward agreeing with your FI about his wishing not to go.

I''d imagine that from his viewpoint, this gal has been toxic and nasty about your relationship with him, and it''s likely hard for him to associate with anyone who''s going to treat his most beloved relationship (YOU) that way.

I think he''s doing the right thing in saying ''hey, I don''t begrude you going if you want to'', but I do think he is entitled to decide he doesn''t want to attend based on his feelings about her.
I agree with everything said here.
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
Date: 3/8/2007 2:30:29 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 3/8/2007 1:07:55 PM
Author: aljdewey

I''d tend to lean more toward agreeing with your FI about his wishing not to go.

I''d imagine that from his viewpoint, this gal has been toxic and nasty about your relationship with him, and it''s likely hard for him to associate with anyone who''s going to treat his most beloved relationship (YOU) that way.

I think he''s doing the right thing in saying ''hey, I don''t begrude you going if you want to'', but I do think he is entitled to decide he doesn''t want to attend based on his feelings about her.
I agree with everything said here.
Me too.
 

AmberWaves

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 19, 2005
Messages
3,672
Hey Janine, I have to tell you I went through the EXACT same thing. My friend (friend for over 15 years) had a problem with me dating when she wasn''t. Then, when my FI and I started getting closer to engagement she often yelled at me to being "self-obsessed" and that I cared about no one but myself. So we end our friendship, because it just wasn''t right. And he never liked the way she treated me, so he was glad the friendship was over. Now, yeah, I do miss her, but it was too much. For so many years I let her treat me badly, and I am glad it''s over.

My fiance said that he doesn''t forget, and he never will. She was horrible to him and jealous about the fact that we are living together, and took it out on me every time. Your FI is totally right. It wasn''t easy to see you treated that way, I''m sure. A lot of our anguish shows, ya know?

Good luck!
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
I agree with others. I think you should go, either alone or with your FI if he does decide to go in the end. To catch up on your friendship, and maybe to try and repair it, it might be best to go on your own though, however nervous you might be walking in (and I can imagine how hard that would be-had to walk in to a similar thing like that before by myself. I was so nervous but once the ice was broken again, it was great)
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    Vintage OEC Bracelet
    Vintage OEC Bracelet
    June’s Birthstone Trinity
    June’s Birthstone Trinity
    Memorial Day Jewelry 2020
    Memorial Day Jewelry 2020

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top