Weird reaction from parents...

[Shoopy]

I have mentioned helping out my coworker with ring decisions so that he can propose to his girlfriend. She is 23/24/25 (don''t remember), he''s turning 30 on Monday. They have been together for nearly three years. She is one of 3, but is the eldest and lives at home with her parents. The families get along really well. She has been to his country (Dominican Republic) and stayed with his family for the holidays. He has done the same (Colombia). Her father always looks for him to either help him do things around the house or for his business or to go fishing.

So he''s thinking he has a pretty good relationship and everyone loves each other.

This past weekend he asked them for their blessing (as he was going to purchase the ring this week and he has). First up was mom. He wanted to ask mom first so that she can talk to dad so dad isn''t surprised. Mom''s response: Why? You guys are so young? Its so soon. Why are you rushing things??

Okkkkk

Then came dad. He said her father didn''t look happy. He just kept saying over and over that this was all so sudden and he''s surprised and "what do you want me to tell you?"

Then he gets a message from her father maybe two days later saying "I hope you aren''t planning on getting married in DR. Oh and also, I''m not giving you guys any money for the wedding so keep that in mind."

So he doesn''t know what to think. He doesn''t know if they are just having a hard time with the idea of letting her go. Or if they don''t like him. Or if they like him, just not as a husband for their daughter.

What do you guys think is going on?

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

It sounds to me like they''re not comfortable with it. She is pretty young, but it also sounds like her parents are really traditional...The father may have been put off by the fact that he didn''t have any say in the choosing of the bf, or he thinks the guy is too old for her. I''m really not sure, this is all speculation. I wonder how the daughter feels...

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 2/11/2009 9:43:30 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
It sounds to me like they''re not comfortable with it. She is pretty young, but it also sounds like her parents are really traditional...The father may have been put off by the fact that he didn''t have any say in the choosing of the bf, or he thinks the guy is too old for her. I''m really not sure, this is all speculation. I wonder how the daughter feels...

I know she is anxious to get engaged. She makes little jokes every now and then about getting married. They had purchased some cupcakes with super bowl rings on them (this was obviously for the super bowl) and she said to him "I want one with a ring since that''s the closest I''ll ever get to one" in a half joking, half serious tone.

That''s an interesting theory HH.

 

[Bia]

No one can really say for sure, but it sounds like they think she''s too young.

Honestly, it could be a host of things: She''s too young? He''s too old for her? They like him, but were hoping he wouldn''t be "the one?" It''s hard to say...

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Has the daughter talked to her parents about her feelings for your friend? Maybe her parents don''t realize just how much they mean to each other?

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 2/11/2009 9:50:49 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Has the daughter talked to her parents about her feelings for your friend? Maybe her parents don''t realize just how much they mean to each other?

I don''t know, that''s a good question. I can kind of see why she wouldn''t since her family is not very open to things but she''s also very close to her monther.

I just hope that when he does propose (supposedly this weekend) it isn''t ruined by their reaction, you know?

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 2/11/2009 9:43:30 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
It sounds to me like they''re not comfortable with it. She is pretty young, but it also sounds like her parents are really traditional...The father may have been put off by the fact that he didn''t have any say in the choosing of the bf, or he thinks the guy is too old for her. I''m really not sure, this is all speculation. I wonder how the daughter feels...

i think HH might be on the right track, if they are uber traditional. If not, then maybe they do not realize how important they are to each other.

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

Date: 2/11/2009 10:05:52 AM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 2/11/2009 9:50:49 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Has the daughter talked to her parents about her feelings for your friend? Maybe her parents don''t realize just how much they mean to each other?

I don''t know, that''s a good question. I can kind of see why she wouldn''t since her family is not very open to things but she''s also very close to her monther.

I just hope that when he does propose (supposedly this weekend) it isn''t ruined by their reaction, you know?

I hope it isn''t ruined either! That would be horrible. Wouldn''t her parents have told her if they liked/didn''t like him though? I mean me parents my not gush about how much they like him, but if they didn''t like him they would let me know, at least once.

Hopefully, they are just trying to let go and when it comes closer to the wedding it will all be ok.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Sounds to me like they are not ready for their "baby" to be married and grown up just yet.

 

[LabRatPhD]

Something similar happened with my SO and I when I told my parents we were dating. I was 22 and SO was 24. I am Indian-American and SO is half Japanese, half Caucasian. My parents immigrated from India back in the 70s (my dad got his PhD here). Prior to that, had an arranged marriage - which is still common in India to this day. SO was the first guy I introduced to my parents. I thought they would like him because he was in an Ivy League law school (meaning he was a good student) and this sort of thing is important to them. Anyway, they had a very similar response (my mom said I was too young to be in a committed relationship and my dad said he was shocked I was dating and seemed very upset). Later on, my mom said it was very hard for my dad because he can''t imagine letting his little girl go. The concept of dating is also very foreign to them as they had an arranged marriage, and I am their eldest child. I think they were also a little uncomfortable that SO was not Indian. Fast-forward 4 years - my mom now loves my SO and my parents have warmed to the idea that we want to get married. It took some time but SO and I didn''t give up since we wanted to be together. I was ready to get married even if my parents didn''t give their blessing but I sure am happy that we now are headed the right direction!

Maybe your co-worker''s girlfriend''s parents are kind of like mine? They may be uncomfortable letting their daughter go, especially if she is the eldest or only child. It could also be a cultural issue.

 

[nail_polish]

Wow... What a tough situation...

I can''t even imagine what the real issue is...

I can see it be anything from:
- she''s too young
- he''s too old
- they don''t like him (for whatever reason)
- she isn''t done school?
- she doesn''t have a stable job?

I know the last 2 are things that my father has brought up as reasons not to get engaged all the time...

Just hypothesizing.. That is tough though

All the best to them!

 

[Inanna]

If I were 23-25 and living at home, my parents would definitely not be crazy about the notion of me getting engaged, no matter how much they liked the guy. I think a lot of parents, including my own, expect their daughters (and sons) to have graduated college (sometimes grad/med/law school in addition), have a stable job, be living on their own, and be able to fully financially support themselves before even considering marriage.

The entire situation poses a lot of questions! From the father's reaction, it seems that perhaps he expected her to marry within their culture (Colombian). Is it possible this girl's parents have valid (rather than traditional/cultural) reasons to think she shouldn't be getting engaged? Are they still financially supporting her? Does she have a career path? Are these parents comfortable with their daughter moving directly from Daddy's house to husbands house?

I find it especially odd (and telling) that the father explicitly said he won't be giving them any money for the wedding. Perhaps he is just shocked and he'll get over it, but this sends a very clear message of his disapproval, whatever the reason is.

Obviously this totally sucks for your friend! Does he have any clue what is going on and is he sticking with the original proposal plan?

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Is she perhaps working and contributing to the household income? Or is she doing a lot of work in the home? Honestly, if she is 23 or older, I think that is pretty selfish of them. I hope she can be thrilled with the engagement in spite of her parents reaction.

 

[JulieN]

Interesting. I''m going to assume they''re all pretty conservative from DR and Colombia.

I''m going to assume that response, given that the parents seem to like him, can only mean that they think he is not good enough/she can do better. So either, he doesn''t make enough (or doesn''t have a house,) or is not educated enough. Everyone "prices" themselves on the "marriage market," and traditional women will try to get the "good ones" rather soon. The other possibility is that she or he is still in school.