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Weddings and Drama

iLander

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Do you like weddings? Or do you dread them, like I do? Have you been to a wedding that left a bad taste in your mouth?

In Tuffyluvr's thread about her brother in laws wedding, Kenny mentioned that he disliked weddings because they are fraught with emotions. I agreed. Then other posters mentioned that they loved weddings. I decided to start a thread about weddings and the dramas the can happen. You're also welcome to post how lovely all the weddings you went to have been.

My ex-BFF and an employee managed to make me unhappy at both their weddings. Both times DH and I were sitting at a front table, but not the head table. Both times the wedding staff removed the tables about 15 minutes after we were done eating. One minute I had a table and chair, the next minute I didn't. Apparently, our tables were on the dance floor and had to be removed. So now DH and I had no place to sit. We're both too polite to take other people's seats so we were stuck standing around for about an hour and then we left. How that happened to us twice, I'll never know. Were we supposed to take other people's chairs? Is there some kind of etiquette that explains where we're supposed to sit?

The worst drama was at my son's wedding, where I got horrible food poisoning. Halfway through the meal, I suddenly felt like I was going to faint. I ran to the bathroom and vomited and had terrible diarrhea. I was so weak afterward, I could barely stand up. DD and DH were very upset to see all this. DS and DIL were off taking pictures and we unaware what was happening until they came back and the hotel staff had managed to find a wheelchair for me. I smiled and acted fine for 2 minutes (which is all the time they spent with me), so they wouldn't worry about me, and go and enjoy their wedding. I bawled in the car, heartbroken to miss my son's wedding. I spent the night in bed, cold and shaking under every available blanket. I now think that I was going into shock or something. DD and DH nursed me with water and plain bread. My son didn't speak to us for a month, we thought he was just involved with his honeymoon, but turns out they thought I was faking it and were angry with me. DIL said I was "an attention ho". And our relationship went downhill from there. I've posted about it before, so I don't want to go on and on about it. But it was a wedding-based drama.

So, yeah, I dread weddings, now. How about you? What wedding dramas have you endured, if any? Or are they usually joyous and festive (you lucky dog)?
 

jordyonbass

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Not a fan unless it's got some kind of twist to it. I find the typical wedding a bit of a socially awkward situation and I usually get very shy. Oh and I absolutely HATE wearing a suits. I didn't even wear one for my own wedding :lol:
 

azstonie

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When I was in my marrying years, weddings and receptions were generally fun and the guests were guests and either the parents of the bride and/or groom were the hosts OR the bride and groom were the hosts. You witnessed the marriage and provided a sense of support and community to the newly wed couple. You partied it up together afterward and celebrated. You looked hard for a gift they would love (or bought it off their registry to be super sure it was what they wanted). Then everyone went on with their lives.

Now so many weddings are HEY LOOK AT ME MOI AND MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Gotta be perfect for MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE fests that I usually send a gift and don't go.
 

smitcompton

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Hi,

I love weddings. I like the wedding service the the best, no matter what faith it is. In Olden days we used to get a lot of invitations to church only, and as teenagers we loved going. I remember someone married a west pointer and the groomsmen held the swords up. That was a good drama.

I went to a French service wedding where the wait staff lit your cigarettes for you. It was a posh affair. The only criticism I have is they had both a cocktail hour and a full dinner. I'm usually full after the cocktail hour. Then you look like a jerk when you eat like a bird.

When I moved to the mid-west it was an entirely different wedding scene. No open bar. People pay for their own drinks(cash bar) and dress is more casual. More weddings in church basements and simpler. I have grown to like simpler. I would even bring a dish as many people here are more folksy.(not in a bad way.)

Tuffys Sil, IMO, should have a nice simple party or dinner for her invited guests after the cruise. If she wants to go on her honeymoon with her in-laws, so be it. At least she likes them. I doubt anyone could be persuaded to cruise with their in laws if they weren't fond of them. I don't think its just the money for the trip. Others just shouldn't go if they don't want to.

I was a bridesmaid for 5 weddings. No drama at any one of them.


Annette
 

packrat

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I love weddings. I like to see what they do, the dress she picks for herself, the attendants dresses, the decorations, flowers, cake, music, special touches that speak to them as a couple etc. I just like to see. I don't pay attention to the drama-I may roll my eyes to my husband about it but there's other things for me to pay attention to. I was a bridesmaid twice, maid and then matron of honor once each, and became ordained so I could perform a cousins wedding last month.

ETA-smitcompton, I'm in Iowa and it's pretty standard here to have the simple/casual weddings for sure! Heck, even "fancy" weddings here, you'll find plenty of people in jeans/nice shirt/tennis, flip flops etc. A lot of receptions at the local VFW (ours was) so you end up w/random people who are there at the bar b/c it's a regular night and they come hang out w/you. A lot of buffet style (the vast majority is buffet) and some that are buffet but not catered but rather made by family/friends.
 

TooPatient

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Drama and discomfort.

Been to a few. Most ended in divorce. A couple ran out of cake. Bad manners and injury in flower toss. Catty gossip during and after.

And my own.... Yep. Thanks mom.
 

EvangelineG

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jordyonbass|1442761146|3929824 said:
Not a fan unless it's got some kind of twist to it. I find the typical wedding a bit of a socially awkward situation and I usually get very shy. Oh and I absolutely HATE wearing a suits. I didn't even wear one for my own wedding :lol:

+1 to this (except for the suit part ;)) )

Grew up as a pastor's kid and went to a million weddings, over the years I grew to dislike the whole business. When I was a young adult I felt obligated to go if invited, now I am a little more comfortable being me and a little less bound by conventions that don't mean anything to me. Unless it is a very, very close relative or friend I avoid it like the plague. Long, boring, awkward, uncomfortable- it's just not my thing.

I got married young, and we tried so hard to carve out something that actually fit us and not just bow to all the expectations. It was mostly a losing battle. I made too many compromises and even then ending up offending various parties. In the end the wedding was something to get through in order to get to the good part- the marriage itself. :)
 

katharath

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I've really only been to (I think) 8 weddings, total, which isn't so much. Honestly though, I find them fairly boring and feel that they're more of an obligation than anything else.

I wasn't the type who grew up dreaming of my wedding day and planning every detail, etc, though I had friends who did. My former best friend had this massive "wedding binder" that she started at the age of 7 or something, lol. She obsessed for years over having the perfect wedding - then when it happened, she was incredibly stressed about it, and has said MANY times since that she hated it, it was awful, nothing was how she wanted it bc she had to compromise for "everyone else" (I think she mostly means her MIL?). I don't know. I think she's pretty happy in the marriage itself, though.

Mine was the opposite. DH and I were ridiculously in love and wanted to run off and elope with just us, we wanted it very private. I was young too, DH just a few years older than me; my parents kind of "forced" us to have a small wedding so that they could come. It was very small, about 20-25 guests, low key, relaxed, inexpensive, non denominational chapel (we're not religious at all). Looking back I have fond memories of the day (almost 16 yrs ago now). I didn't have any big expectations for the ceremony, I mostly just wanted it over with, lol.

Thinking back, of the 8 weddings I've been to, only 4 of the marriages are still intact. Kind of sad. I wonder if that's why I'm not such a big fan, I guess I'm rather cynical! Which may be odd given that I'm happily married; I don't "believe" in many things, but I do believe that a good marriage is a beautiful thing. And as others have said, a wedding is not at all the same thing as a marriage. My youngest brother had a beautiful, rather large first wedding - one year later they were separated and already almost divorced (officially so a few months later). I miss his first wife, she was present when both of my children were born (not actually in delivery room but there right before and right after). I wish they'd been able to work it out - he remarried EXTREMELY quickly (despite all family pleading with him not to), on the rebound, to someone he had only known for 6 weeks or so. It's awful, she turned out to be a compete loon, but he quickly had children with her and now feels stuck with her and too embarrassed to be divorced twice. He and I used to be very close, but she doesn't "allow" him much time with his family, so we hardly see him now...and he lives about 2 minutes away. It's pretty bad.

Sorry for digressing, just kind of went with it, lol. I guess I was thinking of my brother bc I just saw him for the first time in months.

ETA - ok, just remembered a few more weddings I went to, but as a child. And of the ones I remembered, half of those are divorced too. So that percentage remains steady!
 

Tacori E-ring

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Depends. If I know lots of the guests then it is fun. Otherwise they can be awkward. We just went to a great wedding a few weeks ago. Of course my daughter was there and she is the life of any party.
 

Gypsy

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I'll re-post what I posted in the previous thread.

Gypsy|1442710955|3929683 said:
I've been to quite a few weddings and enjoy them, sincerely. A little bit of drama is expected, I feel. It's an emotional event. But most of the weddings I've been to have been lovely affairs with genuinely happy couples and (mostly) supportive (or ignorable) family.


I don't know. Maybe I'm weird. Or maybe I've just been lucky with the weddings I've attended. But when I say there have been a LOT of weddings I'm being sincere. I couldn't even count them all if I tried.

The only time I feel offended is with gift grabs. And I dislike the NY/NJ "cover your plate" expectation and personally refuse to participate in it, except for DH's nieces and nephews (7 of them).

All this includes one wedding where a drunken fist fight broke out (the participants had decided to strip to the waist so there was eye candy), and one where the grooms father stripped on the dance floor (dementia). And one where I knew the couple didn't love each other (family expectation) and I knew they'd be divorced inside of 3 years (they made it 2) but it was a gorgeous wedding with great food.

It's all good. And it's lovely to see people join their lives together. And even with the last wedding I mentioned above, I was still hopeful they'd prove me wrong. There's always something positive you can focus on. I think it's a choice. When I go to weddings I make my mind up to enjoy myself. So I do.
 

tuffyluvr

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I LOOOOOOOOOVE weddings! I get so excited over going to them and look forward to them for months! I have never been caught up in any kind of wedding drama (with the exception of my SIL/DH's sister, who was the catalyst for starting this thread!). I love everything about weddings. I just love any reason to celebrate people! I love birthdays, graduations, bachelorette parties and showers too! My favorite thing about weddings is dancing, meeting new friends and partying the night away with old friends. I went to a wedding last November that had a live country band and a line dancing coach and I was line dancing all night, and I don't even like country music! It was so awesome!!

My own wedding was honestly the best day of my life. It was super low-key and casual: it was out in the middle of the desert in Joshua Tree. I walked down the aisle to Guns n' Roses and wore hi-top Vans sneakers under my dress. The surroundings were gorgeous, at night there were a million stars in the sky, we had delicious authentic Mexican food for dinner, lots of fancy craft beers, a full bar, and all our family and closest friends there to party all night and it was the BEST. DAY. EVER! I wish I could go back and re-live it twice a year!!! Gah!!!

I guess that's what makes me especially sad about the drama with my SIL. I really want to go to her wedding and celebrate her and her guy's marriage, and the thought that we might not be able to be there makes me terribly sad.
 

tuffyluvr

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I guess I should say that I am also extroverted to the extreme. I love people and I love parties. I get invited to a lot of social gatherings because I'm the "fun friend". I am one of those annoying "there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met" people. I rarely feel awkward in social settings, and I have an extreme case of FOMO (fear of missing out), so I go to almost everything I'm invited to.
 

sonnyjane

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I like attending weddings. I do NOT like standing in weddings! I'll be a guest any day but hate being a bridesmaid. Too much cost, stress, drama...
 

distracts

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I find them fun. But I don't tend to know people who get really dramatic, and only one couple of all the weddings I've been to in my life has gotten divorced (after 15+ years). I always enjoy seeing everyone out at a party, especially people who come in from out of town for them.

otoh if there is lots of ceremony and little party, I'm not that into it.

Also I wonder how much of this is affected by me knowing very few divorced people irl? Seems like some of you who don't really like weddings know a lot more than I do. My husband and I each have one relative in our extended families who is divorced, and we have one close friend who is divorced. I know a few people who are divorced, or whose parents are divorced, but it's really a pretty small number, certainly less than 10% of the people I know. Maybe this number will go up as my peers who have gotten married have time to get divorced, but I can't think of any of my peers who are married who have divorced parents so I don't know. Given the supposed divorce statistics it seems like I know an unnatural amount of still-married people, but I guess we hit most of the marks for things highly correlated with being still married, so idk.
 

katharath

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Distracts - I do think that seeing about half of the marriages around me end in divorce probably has contributed a little bit to my not enjoying weddings (well, to clarify - half of the weddings I've attended, not half of everyone I know. More below on that). But I've never actually liked them, and I didn't grow up seeing much (if any) divorce. I'm just not a people person and large events stress me out. (Honestly, lots of things stress me out! I deal with a ridiculous amount of anxiety and it's not good, but large groups of people are a big trigger for me). My parents are still married (36+ yrs), both sets of grandparents married 50+ (God, maybe even 60 at this point!) years, etc etc - myself almost 16 yrs. So I don't feel like divorce in general has had much of an effect on my POV of weddings, I've kind of just always been that way. I'm just cynical in general ;-). I didn't really begin to see people I know divorce until I was an adult and already married.

I have heard for many years now that the divorce rate hovers around 50%, so I've never felt that what I've seen is that unusual. And it's not that 50% of ALL of my friends/family are divorced; it's just that of the weddings I've actually seen, about half are divorced, and that's probably only around ten (kind of weird though, huh? I don't know...) If I actually stopped to figure out what the rate is among everyone I know, I'm not quite sure where it would be...something I might have to consider now, lol!! Hmmm....

ETA - I feel like I'm unnecessarily thinking way too much about divorce now, lol!!
 

distracts

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katharath|1442811430|3930089 said:
I have heard for many years now that the divorce rate hovers around 50%, so I've never felt that what I've seen is that unusual. And it's not that 50% of ALL of my friends/family are divorced; it's just that of the weddings I've actually seen, about half are divorced, and that's probably only around ten (kind of weird though, huh? I don't know...) If I actually stopped to figure out what the rate is among everyone I know, I'm not quite sure where it would be...something I might have to consider now, lol!! Hmmm....

ETA - I feel like I'm unnecessarily thinking way too much about divorce now, lol!!

The divorce rate is super interesting because there seems to be not a good way to measure it... idk, someone needs to do a massive longitudinal study on this, I guess. It's definitely lower than 50%, and at any rate that's 50% of people who have gotten married have gotten divorced, not 50% of marriages end in divorce - it's probably something closer to maybe 20-30% of people who have ever been married have gotten divorced, but some people are serial marriers/divorcers and drive the numbers of actual divorces up. A few of the people who I have known who have been divorced are in this category and have been divorced several times (which, just, why even keep getting married?)

I unnecessarily think about divorce way too often, lol. People are different and weird and interesting.

And I get you on anxiety. I used to have a lot of anxiety about social events and in particular hate big groups of people and then... something changed. Idk what happened but while those sorts of things are still very stressful to me it's not in such a bad way.
 

LLJsmom

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Hmmmm, generally like them if I am close to one member. however most of the ones I have been to are traditional where the guests are taken care of and appreciated, not a bridezillafest. Personally I just wanted mine to be over with, and wanted to get on with life together.
 

iluvshinythings

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I've enjoyed most of the weddings I've attended. I'm an introverted person so big parties aren't my thing but weddings are the exception.

Wedding drama: Oh my goodness do I have a story. I'll try to make it PG13 and short. I was MOH in a destination wedding in Jamaica. I had known the bride for many years and we were very close. I didn't like her fiancé so I didn't know any of his friends but I was there for my friend. (the fiancé was a party guy with some questionable "habits") I was single at the time of the wedding. We arrived in Jamaica a couple of days before the wedding. I noticed something was strange fairly quickly but couldn't put my finger on exactly what was happening. I'm extremely naïve. The second day I realized that the rest of the wedding guests were swingers. This discovery blew my mind. It never in a million years occurred to me. I don't judge but I'm not into that at all. Apparently, my lack of interest was quite offensive to some of the other guests so I was shunned the rest of the trip. It's hilarious now, but not at the time. Luckily, I'm very good at entertaining myself and had a pretty good time the rest of the trip. (the bride and groom divorced less than a year later)

When DH and I got married, we went to Vegas and got married in a really nice chapel. We did this specifically to avoid any drama and there was never any stress or drama. I bought a dress off the rack before we left. The chapel sent a make-up and hair crew to the hotel, arranged for flowers, photographers, minister and limos - the whole thing. We invited family and friends but didn't really expect anyone to attend. We ended up with 12 guests and we had a fabulous time. Flew our guests in helicopters to the grand canyon for a champagne picnic at sunset. The whole day was wonderful. My BIL and his fiancé decided to get married the next day at the same chapel. Then my new SIL's father and his long-time gf snuck off and got married later that night.
 

iLander

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Let’s set that divorce statistic straight. :wavey: :wavey:

It’s one of my pet peeves because it’s so depressing and wasn’t presented properly when the study first came out. So I researched it at the time. Here’s the deal, from the original study:

In any given year, let’s say 100 couples get married.

During that same year, 50 couples will file for divorce.

BUT 50 couples from the previous year will stay married. And 50 from the year before that. And 50 from the year before that. And so on, and so on.

SO, half the marriages do Not actually end in divorce.

In reality, 80% of the people in the US, are married by age 40.
 

iLander

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iluvshinythings|1442845787|3930157 said:
I've enjoyed most of the weddings I've attended. I'm an introverted person so big parties aren't my thing but weddings are the exception.

Wedding drama: Oh my goodness do I have a story. I'll try to make it PG13 and short. I was MOH in a destination wedding in Jamaica. I had known the bride for many years and we were very close. I didn't like her fiancé so I didn't know any of his friends but I was there for my friend. (the fiancé was a party guy with some questionable "habits") I was single at the time of the wedding. We arrived in Jamaica a couple of days before the wedding. I noticed something was strange fairly quickly but couldn't put my finger on exactly what was happening. I'm extremely naïve. The second day I realized that the rest of the wedding guests were swingers. This discovery blew my mind. It never in a million years occurred to me. I don't judge but I'm not into that at all. Apparently, my lack of interest was quite offensive to some of the other guests so I was shunned the rest of the trip. It's hilarious now, but not at the time. Luckily, I'm very good at entertaining myself and had a pretty good time the rest of the trip. (the bride and groom divorced less than a year later)

When DH and I got married, we went to Vegas and got married in a really nice chapel. We did this specifically to avoid any drama and there was never any stress or drama. I bought a dress off the rack before we left. The chapel sent a make-up and hair crew to the hotel, arranged for flowers, photographers, minister and limos - the whole thing. We invited family and friends but didn't really expect anyone to attend. We ended up with 12 guests and we had a fabulous time. Flew our guests in helicopters to the grand canyon for a champagne picnic at sunset. The whole day was wonderful. My BIL and his fiancé decided to get married the next day at the same chapel. Then my new SIL's father and his long-time gf snuck off and got married later that night.

Holy [email protected]! :shock: I used to think swingers were just a myth . . . :???:
 

telephone89

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Your problem with weddings is that you've been to terribly HOSTED events. People who do not follow basic etiquette because their VISION is more important than their guests.

You did nothing wrong - there is no etiquette that says where you're supposed to sit when your tables are removed - because they shouldn't have been removed! Every person in attendance needs to have a seat. This was poor planning on the hosts, as they crammed too many people into too small a space.

Food poisoning is not the kids' fault, but how they behaved after was really terrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that!

Personally, I LOVE weddings. I love love, and everything about it.
I hate the mentality that anyone DESERVES a big expensive wedding. I hate the mentality that a vision or look is more important than the guests who choose to celebrate with you. As I said before, a wedding is when you are legally married - different groups have been fighting for that ability for so long. To have someone say that the legal ceremony doesn't count, and to be married they need a big white dress, and a cake, dj, dancing, etc is heartbreaking to me. That is playing dress up. So I had a problem with Tuffy's SIL who was going to get married in the states, and then play dress up on vacation.
I also hate that people (brides) think their bridesmaids are their personal slaves. They are not - they are your treasured friends who you want to stand with you. Not your bitch to slap around, make them work their ass off and then get mad when it doesn't go exactly as you planned.
I hate Go fund mes or honeyfunds as well. They just come off so greedy, people begging for money. And the best part - the company takes a large cut of the $$! So if you had've not requested money this way, you'd actually end up with more. People will always give money, you don't need to beg for it!

I should also add that I used to be an events planner for a large hotel, so we dealt with a ton of weddings. So, I said I loved weddings, but all my hates sound like I dont haha :lol: But I do. I love a well hosted wedding.
 

lambskin

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I love watching wedding TV-Dress shows, Bridezillas, Four Weddings, etc. But I do not like going to weddings. I always fret about the gift$$. How much do you spend on a gift of your dear friend's daughter who you rarely see and not piss off your friend and lose the friendhip? The NY/NJ pay for the dinner plate range is the same where I live but frankly that is expensive-$175-350 depending on venue. My husband hates to attend them and is uber picky about the food. He hates to dance and always wants to go home mid dinner (buffet) or after dinner service is complete. We never know anyone there except for the parents (one side) and get stuck at a crappy table. Of course relatives make the events worse due to personalities and alcohol.
 

tuffyluvr

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Telephone89--I agree with you on almost all fronts. One place that I don't is in regards to the honeyfund. I initially thought it was tacky, but over the years it has become really mainstream and I have grown to appreciate it.

I have contributed to many honeyfunds and I think it's a lot nicer than just giving money because you get to go on their homeyfund page and "shop" for whatever you want to give the couple: an excursion, dinner, hotel, air credit, etc. that way the couple has something to thank you for. For example, I got one of my best friends the Sydney Harbor bridge climb and she enclosed a photo of her and her hubby on top of the bridge in our thank you card and was able to thank us specifically for it. It seems so much nicer (for both parties) than writing "thanks for the money" in a thank you card.

Honeyfund also doesn't take a huge cut. In fact, there is no fee for the basic setup. Guests can choose to send the gift via PayPal or they can just write the couple a check directly. Honeyfund makes their money off of selling upgraded Honeyfund pages and, I believe, advertising.

Anyways, I didn't mean to go on a tirade... I just personally think it's a great service for couples to get what they really want/need. If a couple already has all the housewares they need, what's the point of a registry anyways?!?
 

tuffyluvr

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Telephone89--I do agree with you about gofundme pages. I think those have become really overused and starting a gofundme to pay for a wedding is so tacky! Unless someone is terminally ill, why would you beg for money to throw your dream wedding?!? Go to the courthouse if you can't afford a party!!!
 

telephone89

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tuffyluvr|1442853115|3930186 said:
Telephone89--I agree with you on almost all fronts. One place that I don't is in regards to the honeyfund. I initially thought it was tacky, but over the years it has become really mainstream and I have grown to appreciate it.

I have contributed to many honeyfunds and I think it's a lot nicer than just giving money because you get to go on their homeyfund page and "shop" for whatever you want to give the couple: an excursion, dinner, hotel, air credit, etc. that way the couple has something to thank you for. For example, I got one of my best friends the Sydney Harbor bridge climb and she enclosed a photo of her and her hubby on top of the bridge in our thank you card and was able to thank us specifically for it. It seems so much nicer (for both parties) than writing "thanks for the money" in a thank you card.

Honeyfund also doesn't take a huge cut. In fact, there is no fee for the basic setup. Guests can choose to send the gift via PayPal or they can just write the couple a check directly. Honeyfund makes their money off of selling upgraded Honeyfund pages and, I believe, advertising.

Anyways, I didn't mean to go on a tirade... I just personally think it's a great service for couples to get what they really want/need. If a couple already has all the housewares they need, what's the point of a registry anyways?!?
Honeyfund doesn't actually purchase anything for the couple though. Yes, they are able to set it up and say 'for $50 you can buy us dinner at the resort'. However what actually happens is you pay $50 to honeyfund, Auntie Jane pays $100 for surf lessons, Uncle Joe pays $50 for massages on the beach. Honey fund sends a cheque to the couple at the end for X amount of money. There is nothing to say that the couple actually uses it for anything as specified. Of course, I'm sure that some do, but there are also the people that just take the money and buy a new TV or whatever. I'm glad you've had positive experiences with the couples actually following through and sending you a photo (that's so sweet!) but it does not always happen that way.

And I believe Honeyfund takes 7% - so if you pay $100 for surf lessons, the couple only gets $93. So at the end of the day, this fictional couple would get $186 vs $200. Not a big deal for some, but that 7% can add up. Add in that if you (fictional) had've just not registered, you'd actually get $200 because people would still send cheques/cash, I think it's a waste. I think its GENIUS on GFM/Honeyfund, and I respect their business model, but I will never pay into it. If I want to give $100, I want the couple to get $100.

eta- Honeyfund specifically isnt 7%, apologies. It was another (same concept) site. Honeyfund is minimum 2.8%+$0.30. International is an extra 1% cut.
 

tuffyluvr

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lambskin said:
I love watching wedding TV-Dress shows, Bridezillas, Four Weddings, etc. But I do not like going to weddings. I always fret about the gift$$. How much do you spend on a gift of your dear friend's daughter who you rarely see and not piss off your friend and lose the friendhip? The NY/NJ pay for the dinner plate range is the same where I live but frankly that is expensive-$175-350 depending on venue. My husband hates to attend them and is uber picky about the food. He hates to dance and always wants to go home mid dinner (buffet) or after dinner service is complete. We never know anyone there except for the parents (one side) and get stuck at a crappy table. Of course relatives make the events worse due to personalities and alcohol.

I can't believe this "cover your plate" thing! This seems so foreign to me... So if a bride and groom throw a really extravagant wedding the guests are expected to help them recoup what they've spent?!? That is absurd! It's the couple's choice and they are HOSTING the party. That doesn't seem like hosting to me at all!

Unless the bride or groom is a very close friend (in which case I would spend $200-$300), in my circle, it's appropriate to give about $100 cash or a $100 gift from the registry.

We were invited to a terrible "camping wedding" a couple years ago. A high school friend of DH was bragging about how he was going to "make money" off his wedding by having a super cheap party and then the cash gifts would pay for their entire honeymoon to Costa Rica. They ended up not having tables for people to sit at, there was no ice for drinks, no entertainment and worst of all--they under ordered food. The taco cart they hired ran out of food about halfway through service--kids were crying and having meltdowns because they were so hungry, and adults got too drunk because they were drinking on empty stomachs. DH and I didn't stay the night, as we had planned. We drove 2 hours home with all our camping gear and stopped for food on the way. DH was so furious he refused to give them a gift, which wasn't necessarily the right choice, but it was his friend's wedding, so I let him take the reigns on that one.
 

katharath

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 5, 2013
Messages
2,848
distracts|1442822243|3930110 said:
And I get you on anxiety. I used to have a lot of anxiety about social events and in particular hate big groups of people and then... something changed. Idk what happened but while those sorts of things are still very stressful to me it's not in such a bad way.

Mine got WAY worse after having kids. Just ridiculously worse. It really wasn't that bad before, though to be honest it was always there to an extent. I've seen that happen to other women too. After first son was born I had some difficult medical issues due to his birth, and that contributed directly too. The medical stuff was partially resolved with surgery, but not completely (surgery actually made one aspect of it way worse). It just is what it is, stuff I live with and try to deal with as best I can. Doesn't help my anxiety though, lol.

Oh and I know that you're correct about the divorce rate being more complex than the obvious "50%" saying; I just can't ever remember all of the specifics, so I admit to generalizing :oops:

I guess it's not so much that I "hate" weddings, I just don't love them. It's more of a "I'd much rather be home with DH and kids, relaxing, reading, watching a movie" type of feeling.
 

katharath

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 5, 2013
Messages
2,848
iluvshinythings|1442845787|3930157 said:
When DH and I got married, we went to Vegas and got married in a really nice chapel. We did this specifically to avoid any drama and there was never any stress or drama. I bought a dress off the rack before we left. The chapel sent a make-up and hair crew to the hotel, arranged for flowers, photographers, minister and limos - the whole thing. We invited family and friends but didn't really expect anyone to attend. We ended up with 12 guests and we had a fabulous time. Flew our guests in helicopters to the grand canyon for a champagne picnic at sunset. The whole day was wonderful. My BIL and his fiancé decided to get married the next day at the same chapel. Then my new SIL's father and his long-time gf snuck off and got married later that night.

That does sound fun, and it's so sweet that your wedding seemed to inspire two more!!

I like "Vegas" weddings now - I didn't always. But now I've lived in Vegas for 14+ years and I completely get why people do it here.
 

tuffyluvr

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 24, 2011
Messages
1,339
telephone89 said:
tuffyluvr|1442853115|3930186 said:
Telephone89--I agree with you on almost all fronts. One place that I don't is in regards to the honeyfund. I initially thought it was tacky, but over the years it has become really mainstream and I have grown to appreciate it.

I have contributed to many honeyfunds and I think it's a lot nicer than just giving money because you get to go on their homeyfund page and "shop" for whatever you want to give the couple: an excursion, dinner, hotel, air credit, etc. that way the couple has something to thank you for. For example, I got one of my best friends the Sydney Harbor bridge climb and she enclosed a photo of her and her hubby on top of the bridge in our thank you card and was able to thank us specifically for it. It seems so much nicer (for both parties) than writing "thanks for the money" in a thank you card.

Honeyfund also doesn't take a huge cut. In fact, there is no fee for the basic setup. Guests can choose to send the gift via PayPal or they can just write the couple a check directly. Honeyfund makes their money off of selling upgraded Honeyfund pages and, I believe, advertising.

Anyways, I didn't mean to go on a tirade... I just personally think it's a great service for couples to get what they really want/need. If a couple already has all the housewares they need, what's the point of a registry anyways?!?
Honeyfund doesn't actually purchase anything for the couple though. Yes, they are able to set it up and say 'for $50 you can buy us dinner at the resort'. However what actually happens is you pay $50 to honeyfund, Auntie Jane pays $100 for surf lessons, Uncle Joe pays $50 for massages on the beach. Honey fund sends a cheque to the couple at the end for X amount of money. There is nothing to say that the couple actually uses it for anything as specified. Of course, I'm sure that some do, but there are also the people that just take the money and buy a new TV or whatever. I'm glad you've had positive experiences with the couples actually following through and sending you a photo (that's so sweet!) but it does not always happen that way.

And I believe Honeyfund takes 7% - so if you pay $100 for surf lessons, the couple only gets $93. So at the end of the day, this fictional couple would get $186 vs $200. Not a big deal for some, but that 7% can add up. Add in that if you (fictional) had've just not registered, you'd actually get $200 because people would still send cheques/cash, I think it's a waste. I think its GENIUS on GFM/Honeyfund, and I respect their business model, but I will never pay into it. If I want to give $100, I want the couple to get $100.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I believe you are actually thinking of another service. Honeyfund never handles money--it goes directly to the couple's PayPal account, and unless the couple chooses to accept credit card payments (most don't), there is no transaction fee. The credit card transaction fee is 2.8%+.30 per transaction, which is on par with what all merchants pay to accept CCs (it's usually built into the cost of the product, but in this case there is no product, so the consumer has to pay it).

Here's the info from their website, in case you're interested:

Honeyfund is totally free! There are no transaction fees for couples or gift givers and no setup fees. This is possible because gift givers are directed to send the money to YOU, by cash or check. We don't handle any gift money here at Honeyfund.

In addition to the free service:

1. We offer upgrade packages including your choice of design templates, photo slideshows, photos next to your registry items, and more. Sign Up Now to see the latest features and pricing.

2. You may accept online payments from your gift givers via our integrated credit card solution powered by WePay (US only), or via your own PayPal account.

WePay fees: 2.8% + $0.30
PayPal fees: 2.8% + $0.30/transaction*. Learn more and sign up.
You can accept credit card payments with both free and upgraded Honeyfund accounts. Honeyfund couples who accept both offline and online payments pay average fees of just 1.8%! Guests never pay a fee.

It's true that not all recipients use the money as its intended, but the majority do use it towards their honeymoon (honestly I don't expect that they do), but I like the sentiment behind it. I mean, really, it's 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other--you're giving cash in either case. Many people my age would choose to PayPal the money anyways, as there is no waiting to cash a check, worry of losing a check, etc. I like the convenience of it.
 

distracts

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 11, 2011
Messages
6,005
lambskin|1442852655|3930184 said:
I always fret about the gift$$. How much do you spend on a gift of your dear friend's daughter who you rarely see and not piss off your friend and lose the friendhip?

If your "friend" is inclined to destroy a friendship over a gift, when gifts are ALWAYS optional, that friend is not really a friend at all. In my opinion, anyway.

tuffyluvr|1442854200|3930192 said:
I can't believe this "cover your plate" thing! This seems so foreign to me... So if a bride and groom throw a really extravagant wedding the guests are expected to help them recoup what they've spent?!? That is absurd! It's the couple's choice and they are HOSTING the party. That doesn't seem like hosting to me at all!

We were invited to a terrible "camping wedding" a couple years ago. A high school friend of DH was bragging about how he was going to "make money" off his wedding by having a super cheap party and then the cash gifts would pay for their entire honeymoon to Costa Rica. They ended up not having tables for people to sit at, there was no ice for drinks, no entertainment and worst of all--they under ordered food. The taco cart they hired ran out of food about halfway through service--kids were crying and having meltdowns because they were so hungry, and adults got too drunk because they were drinking on empty stomachs. DH and I didn't stay the night, as we had planned. We drove 2 hours home with all our camping gear and stopped for food on the way. DH was so furious he refused to give them a gift, which wasn't necessarily the right choice, but it was his friend's wedding, so I let him take the reigns on that one.

Yeah, "cover your plate" is a ridiculous concept... The point of my wedding was to have a big party with all our loved ones gathered together to honor our commitment, and we didn't need to be "paid back" for it.

I had some friends who had a camping wedding - but they are Burning Man types and they had a potluck burn, and requested everyone bring/prepare a dish in lieu of a more traditional gift (they also are "tiny home" people so they wouldn't have anywhere to PUT a traditional gift anyway). I didn't attend as imagining a mini Burning Man was a bit much for me, but it was very "them" and all the people who went enjoyed it.
 
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