Wedding registry gifts. IYO, How much is too much for a single item?

[GliderPoss]

We had a "wishing well" (cash donation) which could be totally anonymous so anyone could donate as much or as little as they liked. It was immensely helpful at the time (early 20's) as we were living in a tiny flat and with no room for fancy things. My mum was HORRIFIED that we asked for cash not gifts but we didn't really want towels or a bloody toaster what we actually needed was money to pay off our car loan & student debt!

I would certainly never ask for cash/gifts for a second marriage (ditto multiple baby showers) and I think nowadays if you see expensive gifts on a registry - usually it means everyone could contribute to it.

 

[monarch64]

Is it tacky to ask for gifts for a third wedding? Asking for a friend.




Just kidding. It's for me and I'll skip a marriage or two before registering for gifts again because by the time I'm on my 5th or 6th my potential betrothed and I will be moving into a twilight care facility and we'll need things like walkers and stair lifts, and probably those bibs with troughs at the bottom to catch all the food that falls through our gummy mouths. Also bedrails.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Well imo that rude. One shouldn’t ask for cash. It’s one thing if that is what the guest wants to give but it shouldn’t be expected. But maybe I’m just too old fashioned.

when i was younger and went to weddings with mum and dad i loved looking at the presents- espcially if i was bored
by the time by sister got married sge didn't even open the presents on the day which i thought was incredibly rude and she never did thank you notes
i had a very big 21st back in the day and an aunty was on gift duty unwrapping the presents and writting on the back of cards who gave what so i knew what to thank for in my thank you notes (i wrote the next night btw and posted monday morning)
i guess things are diffetent these days
i am not happy about gifting money or vouchers
its so unimaginative so a gift registry is a good idea but it should be items of all different values
and its true with people living together everyone already has plenty of stuff but i think nice bed linnen, towels perhaps a nice dinner set would never go amiss, nice cutlery
perhaps matching dishes and serving plates to match a dinner set
never art unless its on the list - taste is far too personal
but what would i know, i havn't been to a wedding for yonks and we are not married
my other half's neice was last to get married but we couldn't afford to go as she lived in the south island. the other half sent a couple of hundard dollars we really couldn't afford and we never got a thank you any thing just like the really good quality towels i sent for their engagment
i don't buy crap quality
a work mate i once gave a beautiful high thread count sheet set to had a party the day after the wedding and gave away the unwanted presents my sheets included
maybe sheets and towels arnt such a good idea after all
i made a beautiful bed covering for the other half's daughter for her wedding- the fabric was very expensive, beautiful and classic but still quite fashionable - even the 'other side' was $79per metre and you need a lot of fabric for a king sized bed cover
never got a thank you

this is why nowdays when money allows i buy jewlery for myself
sorry this turned into a bit of a rant
its hurt feelings

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Cash is normal in my culture, and IMO, more useful than gifts. There was a registry so Caucasian friends wouldn’t feel awkward.

We did get cheap daiso plates and bowls, which funnily enough, get used 3 years later.

Yeah, 2k is way too much...

i think it is a cultural thing maybe nowdays its generational
and it was very thoughtful of you to think of your friends with the registry

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

This reminded me of a friend of mine who got married recently. Shes in her 50s and it's her second marriage but has a good career and a house. She sent a registry link to me and a bunch of other people in a chat which asked for money to supplement her honeymoon. None of the people in the chat were even invited to the wedding.

good lord my mouth just fell open and won't close

 

[Bron357]

I once went to a wedding where there was an A list and a B list.
The B list went to the Church for the ceremony but didn’t get an invite to the reception!
I was an “A lister” as it turned out but was appalled when I found out that a heap of people were only invited to the Church part.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I hear that and I think it's a fine line....I dunno, I could be just a cranky ol' lady. I thought the idea of wedding gifts & baby showers was to help give a young couple starting out in life what they need to start a household or prepare for the arrival of their first child. The "it takes a village" idea. Now I see people using it as what seems like an excuse to upgrade things in their lives if you know what I mean, especially when a lot of the time the couple is a bit older and already pretty established (home ownership, career, etc.). So there's a line to me at which it just feels kinda grabby.

your not old or cranky
i had a rather old fashoned upbringing
NZ in the 70s was really still the 1950s
do you remember bathroom and kitchen parties ?(not like a hen's do)
outdated nowdays
but they were great fun
an older family friend or aunty would host and invite thw bridesmaids, mother in laws etc and a few of her own friends plus the older ladies in the bride's family and perhaps the bride's mother's circle
it was to help the young couple with the little things they needed setting up a home
the MIL might give a more expensive present but everyone else just gave useful little bits and pieces
there were gentle games and afternoon tea - i guess some wine
Baby showers used to be similar
my go to present used to be booties i had crocheted and some Vaseline patrolium jelly or some Bonjella teething gel
we used to have baby showers at work for workmates - tons of fun and no pressure buying an expensive gift for someone you didn't know well
when my sister got married i felt a bit guilty i couldn't throw her a little party like my mother used to do as she lived down south so i brought her all sorts of lovelly bathroom things ....again no thank you
mind you its not like she asked me- her only sibling to be a bridesmaid (excuse the historic issue)

 

[Dancing Fire]

I once went to a wedding where there was an A list and a B list.
The B list went to the Church for the ceremony but didn’t get an invite to the reception!
I was an “A lister” as it turned out but was appalled when I found out that a heap of people were only invited to the Church part.

So the B list were the cheapos ?...

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

I once went to a wedding where there was an A list and a B list.
The B list went to the Church for the ceremony but didn’t get an invite to the reception!
I was an “A lister” as it turned out but was appalled when I found out that a heap of people were only invited to the Church part.

Ha, funny, that's very "comme il faut" in my culture (s)

You send a card about the wedding w/ all the info of the religious ceremony to inform people you're getting married.
Church is open for everyone who wants to attend and needs no invite.
I think it stems from the time when you needed to make your wedding public for it to be legit.

Then you'll have multiple small cards inside for the events people are invited to :

- Post church reception
- Dinner and party

- Some people invite teens for the party after dinner only(often worded as "dessert and champagne"). Makes sense if you want to give your 10 years younger sister the chance to invite 15 local friends to party, but don't want to pay a 75€ dinner for them (and they don't care)

- Any before and after events : brunch on the day after, a henna ceremony the day before, a gathering with blessing at the parents' house the night before

People know that and shouldn't be offended Everyone has a budget and everyone understands that you'd LIKE to share that moment but cannot afford to invite everyone for every single event. Obviously pwolle who'll travel very far will be invited fir the full party etc etc.

But my MILs chour friends for example were only invited to the champagne reception with (very nice) food after church, but not to the evening dinner and party...

 

[Austina]

My DS is being pressured by his fiancées family in to having a destination wedding. I’m against this on principal as it should be their choice, but he feels it will at least limit the numbers, otherwise it could turn in to a 3 ringed circus like her sister’s wedding, which ended up with over 300 guests!

 

[lyra]

Dang, I always just give money. My oldest daughter is likely getting married next year. She'll be 33. They don't need anything at all. Yet it's not acceptable to ask for cash. Back in my day (80's), if you only wanted cash, you put "Presentation Wedding" or something like that on your invitation. It meant give cash. It was acceptable. Although I agree with the ideal that no gift is expected nor guaranteed, I wish cash was the default over gifts.

 

[missy]

Dang, I always just give money. My oldest daughter is likely getting married next year. She'll be 33. They don't need anything at all. Yet it's not acceptable to ask for cash. Back in my day (80's), if you only wanted cash, you put "Presentation Wedding" or something like that on your invitation. It meant give cash. It was acceptable. Although I agree with the ideal that no gift is expected nor guaranteed, I wish cash was the default over gifts.

Cash just makes the most sense. If one wants to give a gift why not give the gift everyone could use? When I give a gift it’s for the recipient and what I think they’d like best and it has little to do with my preferences. And most people prefer cash. At least I believe most people do. And if I know they’d prefer something else I’ll get that for them instead.

 

[elizat]

I once went to a wedding where there was an A list and a B list.
The B list went to the Church for the ceremony but didn’t get an invite to the reception!
I was an “A lister” as it turned out but was appalled when I found out that a heap of people were only invited to the Church part.

I am not good at large gatherings and my other half is not either (we are both introverts. I can do it, but large groups of new people wipe us both out)...a coworker is getting married in November and he was my associate for years and I was supervising attorney, so I am invited to his wedding. We are just going to go to the ceremony and skip the reception. I hate to see him spend money for us to go have a dinner and an open bar, when neither one of us will really enjoy it and one of us doesn't drink at all- and I barely drink. I know he is paying a per head charge for open bar all night- it doesn't make sense to me to have him spend money for us to attend a party that is expensive and we won't enjoy. I think going to his ceremony is the important part personally.

On the topic of gifts, I really dislike some of the wedding stuff and hate the idea of paying for your plate.

 

[telephone89]

A and B lists look 100% like a cash grab to me. Youre invited, so you feel obligated to bring a gift. Yet no expense was spent on you, because you're not really that important to actually celebrate with the couple. I dunno, I really dislike that.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I loved being just invited to the church to see the wedding. You did not bring a git. It was not expected. In the pure sense this said, I want you to come to the ceremony and share my happiness.
I loved looking at the bride, brides maids and once there was a wedding of West Pointers, where they crossed their swords as the couple left the church proper. I loved weddings.

I would give a gift, for a second marriage. To me you share the joy. I would prefer a smaller wedding dinner, breakfast or whatever , rather than another big splash. I prefer smaller wedding receptions.

I went to one that was held in a lovely restaurant--maybe 40 people attending. You chose off the menu and ordered drinks if you wanted. It was beautiful and didn't cost an arm and a leg. It was warm and intimate. Folks should pare down, IMO. Invite people to the service, and close family and friends to the reception.

Annette

 

[rocks]

My DS is being pressured by his fiancées family in to having a destination wedding. I’m against this on principal as it should be their choice, but he feels it will at least limit the numbers, otherwise it could turn in to a 3 ringed circus like her sister’s wedding, which ended up with over 300 guests!

Yup. That's one way to manage it.

 

[Calliecake]

My DS is being pressured by his fiancées family in to having a destination wedding. I’m against this on principal as it should be their choice, but he feels it will at least limit the numbers, otherwise it could turn in to a 3 ringed circus like her sister’s wedding, which ended up with over 300 guests!

@Austina, If your son thinks this has the potential of being a wedding with 300 guests, I would jump at the destination wedding. Only the people who are closest to them will attend a destination wedding. What kind of wedding does your future DIL want?

 

[josieKat]

It was my second marriage, but my wife's first. We were late 40s and combining households, so had all the basics. We knew people would want to get us things, so decided to have a registry due to the expectations, and had it set up for certain aspects of our family honeymoon with my daughters to Hawaii. My wife has a timeshare and family there, so we had things like drinks on the beach, snorkeling, souvenirs, sight seeing, and inter-island flights. We did preface the link to the registry by saying we had all we need and so getting us something was absolutely not expected. We had a wide variety of guests including artists who don't make a lot to older family members who are doctors, so some options were small ($20-40) and others were bigger (up to, e.g., $500) but we set it up so that for the bigger items multiple people could contribute what they wanted. We were able to send pics from the trip of us doing the various things that people had contributed to.

It so depends on your community and normal customs. I wouldn't have felt comfortable asking straight up for cash, but we did actually get some, which was awesome. If I ran in much wealthier circles maybe single gifts that were $500 or above would work but not in my family or group of friends.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Our youngest daughter is getting married soon, and I think she only has two items on her registry between $200-299 and I'd say 95% is under $100. She is registered for household items because she has not lived on her own yet (recently graduated from college and lived on campus) and he lives with 3 roomates which means he has nothing, either!

I cannot imagine putting a $2k item on a registry unless the bride or groom is the child of a billionaire, as someone else said. The only realistic reason I can see doing that is to get the discount after the wedding and that is the reason for the $200+ gifts. In our area, wedding gifts over $100 are unusual. Cash is great, but I am sorry, it is extremely rude to ask for cash.

 

[Grymera]

I have a default wedding present which is a sterling silver photo frame.

The size of the frame is dependent upon how well I know the bride or the groom, or both.

I never give cash or pick anything from a list.

The smallest was about 30 GBP, and the largest was nearly 200 GBP.

I found an eBay store based in Italy with a huge selection of designs in various sizes, and have not shopped for silver photo frames anywhere else.

DK

Do share!

As for my husband and I, we had a $3k couch on our wedding registry , but we intended to buy it afterwards with the registry coupons. However, we went a bit wild on our honeymoon and that hasn't happened yet!

 

[violet3]

I think also, for many retailers, if no one buys you the 2K gift, but you still want it when you close out the registry, there is a discount. So many people put big ticket items on there knowing that no one is going to buy it for them, but that they will be better able to afford it with the discount later. (That's how registries worked when I got married 10 years ago).

 

[Austina]

@Austina, If your son thinks this has the potential of being a wedding with 300 guests, I would jump at the destination wedding. Only the people who are closest to them will attend a destination wedding. What kind of wedding does your future DIL want?

Bearing in mind there’ll likely be 6 max people from his side at the wedding, he wants a small wedding. He’d really prefer if it was just her immediate family, 13 on her side, us and perhaps his best friend and wife if they’ll make the journey. Her family seems to think it’s OK for guests to invite their friends, etc. Future DIL is a pleaser, but as I’ve reminded her, it’s their day, not her family’s day, they’ve had their weddings, and frankly, should butt out! Because of this, we’ve told them we’re not contributing to the wedding, it’s down to them, (her family won’t be contributing financially) but we will give them a great honeymoon.

 

[missy]

Bearing in mind there’ll likely be 6 max people from his side at the wedding, he wants a small wedding. He’d really prefer if it was just her immediate family, 13 on her side, us and perhaps his best friend and wife if they’ll make the journey. Her family seems to think it’s OK for guests to invite their friends, etc. Future DIL is a pleaser, but as I’ve reminded her, it’s their day, not her family’s day, they’ve had their weddings, and frankly, should butt out! Because of this, we’ve told them we’re not contributing to the wedding, it’s down to them, (her family won’t be contributing financially) but we will give them a great honeymoon.

I am with you Austina. It is the bride and groom's day. Not her parents. And add to that the fact they are not contributing financially then what right do they even have to insist on a large wedding? Incredible. It is exhausting being a people pleaser and I hope your future DIL realizes that soon enough because she deserves better. I am glad she has you as her MIL. Best MIL ever.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I agree with Missy, Austina! Goodness, if her parents are not helping pay for the wedding, I'd be having a very nice small wedding, and not even an elaborate destination wedding. I surely wouldn't be paying for a huge wedding for my parents' friends! Like you said, go on a nice honeymoon. That is the perfect gift from the groom's parents! (My daughter's fiance's parents are also paying for their honeymoon.)

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

my dad had a large family and we had lots and lots of older cousins
i remember when i started work my mother said i had to buy my own gifts from now on and couldn't just put my name on mum and dad's card
this was actually a big shock to me