Wedding planning... SUCKS

[sweetpea&babycorn]

This is sort of my first official post regarding wedding planning, and I'm really sorry it isn't going to be a happy one. My perspective might be a little complicated, and I hope I don't come off as being bratty about having a wedding, etc etc etc.

FIrst off, I hate being the center of attention. It makes me nervous, and I'm much more of a private person, passive participant kind of girl. My fiance is a psychologist, and I think suffering from terrible middle child syndrome, so he obviously feels like I have a bad phobia and that my family never "celebrates" me, and feels the need to fix it 9 months before the wedding. Part of me always wanted a nice wedding with pretty everything, but the realistic side of me is like, ugh all this stress and planning. PLUS I am in my final year of medical school which means boards, residency applications, residency interviews, $$$$ down the toilet for all the above things. So, I have had more than my fair share of arguments with my dear FI about wedding, but we already booked a venue, and are about to put down a $2000 deposit, so what's done is done and I've been telling myself to make the best of it, and enjoy planning as much as possible because it only happens once.

Enjoying the planning part has been a royal pain in my beeeehind. I have so much stuff to focus on for school, that part of me doesn't care a whole lot about most of the wedding. But there are other things that I REALLY REALLY care about, like the photographer, and I so wish I didn't care so much about it. My fiance is very sweet, and he said he would take over wedding planning. I don't think he knew what he was getting himself into. He downloaded a Droid wedding planning app, and has been overwhelmed with how "behind" we are. Like we should have the STDs out 9-12mo in advance (oops), DJ and photog should be booked (not done yet), schedule of events should be done (what?). So this whole week he has been pushing ME to do stuff, like, what about those STDs, addresses for guests, how come you haven't talked to your mom about extended family being invited, etc etc. Part of me feels like maybe I should have been more on top of things but he is throwing all these questions at me all at once while I'm trying to study for boards. Tonight, we were discussing photographers, and he wants to book one as soon as possible, and he's always been the type to try to get things done fast, without thinking much about them. I asked if we could meet the two photographers we had narrowed our decisions down to, and he FREAKED OUT. He was like, WHAT? We would have to drive an HOUR to meet them? FOR WHAT? So looks like I'll be doing that myself because I care more about photographers than he does. MEANWHILE, I've been asking him to get on the DJ for quite some time, and he has made NO MOVEMENT on it. He was waiting on an info packet from our venue because he was too lazy to look for the original one we were given when we initially booked it.

So this whole planning thing is driving me nuts. Does ANYBODY have any advice on caring less? It's too much trying to focus on boards and my medical career while wedding planning and holding his hand through every decision process for this wedding. I could try to drink my way through it, but that wouldn't bode well for boards...

 

[TooPatient]

Your date is 4/19/2014?

You've got plenty of time! Don't stress too much about what those planning guides say. Once you get going on stuff it goes pretty quickly!

I'd suggest making your own to-do list on the computer. (by "you" I mean either you or FI or both together just using "you" to simplify)
Those planning guides include all sorts of extras you may not even want but they also don't include stuff that you may want to include.

From there -- figure out what has to come first. For us, that was the Rabbi and the winery. (oh finding a date that worked for both )
Get your venue booked THEN move on from most important down the list. (photography probably next up since you said it matters big to you and they can book way out).

I ended up making a short little list just for myself that included only the stuff we HAVE to have for a marriage to take place -- ketubah, wedding bands, 2 witnesses, Rabbi, marriage license. I keep reminding myself that everything else is nice to have but optional.

What area are you getting married in?
You can always post here and let all of us track down options too!


BTW -- check over in the "Getting Lost in Stupid Stuff" thread for my to-do list and also Audball's. Yours will be different, but they might be a good start.


photographers -- Look at the thread I started and also in the Getting Lost thread for my search for a photographer. I ran into questions I never would have thought to ask. (like -- Can we toss that wooden memory box out and save $1,000?)



ETA -- For us, it has been VERY useful to meet with a couple of different people before choosing. It at least lets you know if there is something unusual about one or the other and lets you choose the one who works best with you. It also has the benefit of reducing second guessing. On all of the stuff we've looked at multiple options before selecting, I'm able to remind myself that we looked at options and chose the best fit for us. (This doesn't get rid of all worries that you made the right/wrong choice but it does help!)

 

[audball]

Oh hugs sweetpea.

Wedding planning does suck. Really really really. I know more people/friends/former LIWs/etc that dreaded the process more than enjoyed it so you are definitely NOT alone. It really is a stressful beast all by itself and heaven forbid you throw in something else even more stressful (like medical school and studying for boards!) and you've got too much pressure!

TP is right that your date is still pretty far out in terms of the planning, but I don't know how much that helps if you'll still be in school through May (assuming a traditional academic year end date...). I can imagine that school is only going to get more stressful, not less, and on the few breaks you may get around the holidays/spring break/etc, I'm sure the last thing you will want to be doing is wedding planning! The good thing is I know you've gotten a few big things ticked off including the date and the venue so you have a starting place!

It's so nice of your FI to offer to help, but that he doesn't seem to have his own motivation to actually do what needs to be done, doesn't really alleviate any of your stress if he can't take care of it without asking for your help every step of the way. The only advice I can really give is sort of what TP alrready said. Make a short list of must haves to get married. What are the few things you absolutely cannot get married without? Legally, of course, you need your marriage license,witnesses, and an officiant. I'm guessing because we're PSers and you've already expressed a want, that rings and a photographer are also important. Make those "your" jobs since they matter and let your FI plan everything else. Will you really care which DJ is picked? If not, let him take care of it and just don't worry yourself about it. I know, easier said than done.

Always always always feel free to vent with us in the getting lost in stupid stuff thread. I sometimes feel that just writing something out makes me feel better about it. Have you already paid the deposit for the venue? It sounds like maybe you haven't. If you haven't sent out any invitations, or paid a deposit yet, is it possible to maybe put the wedding off a little longer so that you can really focus on this part of finishing up medical school first and get your residency squared away before jumping into planning? I don't remember his stance, but would he be open to a smaller, less expensive, less stressful event? Maybe not full on elopement (though you know I'm an advocate for that!), but just immediate family and a nice dinner out or something?

Don't let the fact that you've already selected a venue you force you to continue through the rest of this process if a full fledged large scale wedding isn't what you want. You'll only regret it later. If you need time to think about what you want, say so, and take it. You deserve to be happy and enjoy your wedding day as much as your fiance does.

 

[pandabee]

I don't have any actual experience to offer advice from, but I do want to say that I think that you have way more time than you think and that those wedding planning apps/calendars are quite overkill!!! I don't believe that most people have their stuff organized that far out. As far as STDs, I don't think I received them that far in advance of the weddings I have attended, more like 6 months or so. Take a moment to breathe honey!!! It'll all be okay. It is great that your FI is helping out with the planning. Maybe the two of you can sit down sometime and discuss a basic outline of how you want to divvy up the work, what is most important to each of you, etc. Best of luck!!! Lots of love and dust xoxoxo

 

[TooPatient]

Audball's idea to shift the date might be worth thinking about.

I'm in school (finals next week!) and planning the wedding. It is a lot to juggle! Things are going to get a lot busier with your wedding planning. Can you manage that or is it possible to have right before the start of your next school year so that the last minute details are not interfering with school.

I figured the last couple of months before the wedding would be crazy with final details. What I hadn't planned on was the time before that -- meeting with the venue (didn't have to look around as we knew where we wanted), negotiating, selecting which rooms to use for ceremony/reception/etc, meeting with a couple of bakers to try cake, meeting with photographers, selecting DJs and how involved we want them to be, finding the important music (live musicians? if so, finding them), setting the menu, getting STD's out, invitations (since we only needed about 20, it was WAY too expensive to just order so I had to make...), ...... anyway the list goes on.
I'm not trying to scare you or say you have to change the date. The two different busy times were not something I really expected and wanted to let you know what is coming in your process.

Have you looked at your school financing? If not, you should check into it. I found that I'll lose eligibility for pretty much all aid (including loans) as soon as we get married. This may not be a problem for you but I just wanted to pass along so you were aware that it could be.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Thank you guys for sympathizing We are getting married 4/19/2014 in Connecticut, and we picked a venue that will take care of as much as it can be expected to take care of (all the food, wedding cake, booze, attendants, ceremony and reception)

As much as I would love to push the date, the timing with my schooling and upcoming residency actually puts getting married in the spring as the best time. Residency is intense, upwards of 90 hours/week, working nights for a month at a time at random times, etc. so I'd much rather get married at a time where I can maximally enjoy it and not worry about work. At this point too, we're not sure if there will be time for a honeymoon. Plus I'll be 2 months away from graduation after we get married, so the financial aid stuff won't matter anymore.

We were able to discuss the "big things" and wanting to get those things out of the way, so that felt good. The little things will come together and I hope that I just get springs of energy where I am ready and wanting to do them. Our must do things are: DJ, photographer, talking to our officiant who is a good friend of ours about details, marriage license crap, working on STD and invite wording (which FI said he would get on, but he has spent every night this past week playing video games )

Thanks for all the advice too, I"ll be sure to really make a note of those and follow through. Right now I hope I made it clear to FI that I need to focus on boards and would like to defer any little decision making until after the end of the month. I have been able to talk to some friends about planning (one is a month away from wedding, and another is 2 months out), and at this point they have not turned into Bridezillas, so they will be positive energy.

 

[Blackpaw]

Sweetpea you're me!!!! I am in a very similar situation, i hate hate hate wedding planning

I want to elope but im an only child and my mother has made it clear i cannot 'do that to her'. I come close to hyperventilating every time i think about people looking at me and listening to me say vows (to me it seems so private).

But like you im picky about the photographer we're from australia, we live in canada, and we're getting married in paris because i found a photographer there that i just have to have. Im trying to talk myself out of it (and into italy, slightly less expensive and it would cull the guestlist a bit we think), but i just keep coming back to those pictures. Oh, and the kicker is its not even legal in france, you have to do the official thing elsewhere. Not that we wont consider it our wedding day, but it is a little annoying.

And now im babbling. I really hate this whole wedding thing, why do us girls still do them, arent we supposed to be beyond this!?! Argh and dont get me started on the expense!

Well obviously im no help to you but at least you know you're not the only one who's hating it

 

[audball]

How are you holding up sweetpea?

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Blackpaw I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar position! I know it's not easy but I feel like I am disliking more than I should and though its nice to you there's someone out there commiserating with me, I wish we both didn't have to hate this so much!

We spent ALL Sunday out, first meeting a potential DJ then a wedding photographer. We ended up booking both and thus spent 4450 in two days. I'm getting a little concerned because so far the wedding is costing us at least $12000 and that's not including invites and unanticipated costs. He has NO BUDGET in mind, I'm suspecting because his mom offered to pay for what we can't afford and I get a bad feeling about it. Every time we talk about the wedding to his mom (because she asks) and tell her what we're not doing and she thinks we need it for the wedding she simply that she'll pay for it, which my fiancé just eats up. He's already experienced multiple episodes of stickler shock which I've warned him about but he just won't listen. And now I'm trying to say that though we've gotten the big stuff done, we still have lots of little things that can add up if we're not careful. He still seems to be ignoring that and I worry its because he'll just go to his mom. She's already really weird about money so I want to minimize as much borrowing as possible. Ugh just thinking about it gives me anxiety. So while much of the big things are done, and I'm glad they are, there will be more to sort out with how we'll be paying for this wedding.

 

[audball]

Well on the bright side, lots of the biggies are now checked off! I know it's a lot of money, but at least his mother is willing to help with the costs. That's very generous of her!

I'm sorry you're still not enjoying the process!

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Thanks Aud, I know I must sound like a big fat brat talking about photographer, DJ and boo-hoo his mom wants to help out. I mostly try to give myself a reality check and say HEY AT LEAST YOU CAN HAVE A WEDDING. But still, sometimes, I do ask myself what all this is really for. I don't mind that his mom is always telling us she would pay for x, y, z, but she is SO WEIRD about money. She got really mad that her husband decided to retire one year earlier, and was concerned that they didn't have at least a million for retirement. But, they have been traveling almost every month, mostly out of the country. She just landed an inheritance of about half a million when her father died, putting their retirement savings at the 1 million mark, and yet, she's still worrying like crazy. She's also making a big deal about our rehearsal dinner, which we didn't ask her to do, yet it is still very generous of her, except for all the whining she is making to others, because since we are getting married on Holy Saturday, she will be hosting rehearsal dinner, then wedding, then still has to also plan a traditional Easter brunch. I know her heart is in the right place, but she just whines so much and acts so differently after the fact, sometimes I have no idea how to handle it. It's just so weird that I would rather not anticipate how she will be after she gives us money for the wedding.

 

[star sparkle]

Wedding planning does suck, you're right, and I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. Don't pay one ounce of attention to those timelines, though. 9-12 months for a STD, seriously? My whole engagement only lasted like 7 months, yet somehow we were still able to figure out, send and have our guests receive our STDs with plenty of time (we sent them around the 5.5 month mark).

I think you need to have a serious heart to heart with your FI about this whole thing. I understand that this is what he wants, but what about what YOU want? I feel like you're doing all the compromising, and that is so unfair. Why can't he meet you in the middle? You clearly don't want such a huge event but it reads like you're being forced into it, which is only going to cause even more stress and anxiety as the day gets closer, and on the day itself. It sounds like you're dreading your wedding, and that makes me sad. As much as I hated the planning and all the stupid little decisions, I was still so excited about the actual wedding itself and for the day to arrive. Luckily DH and I were on the same page for what we wanted our wedding to be, but still, I know that if there were some glaring differences we would have respected each other's viewpoints and tried to find a middle ground.

I don't mean to be a downer but it makes me really sad, as an outsider, to see you struggling the way you are. I hope things start looking up soon! Hugs!!!