Wedding paperwork - secret marriage?

[BriBee]

A thread I read earlier today got me thinking and I was wondering if anyone would be able to answer this question. FI and I are getting married summer of 2009. However, we''ve both discussed the possibility of getting married much earlier (like next month) and keeping it a secret from our families, and going ahead with regular wedding plans as is. Here is where the dilemma comes in: FI''s uncle is most likely going to marry us in a Catholic ceremony (he''s a priest). This also means that we''ll have to go through the classes and counseling required by the church before getting married. Is there any sort of paperwork that they are going to see or require of us that would give away the fact that we''re already married? Would FI''s uncle be the one to sign the marriage certificate (or license or whatever it is...I haven''t gotten that far in my planning research)? If so, since we would already be married it would probably look suspicious that there was no paperwork for him to sign right?
I''m just looking for some advice or suggestions about this. Maybe it''s not the right thing to do and we should just wait until the actual wedding. I don''t like the idea of hiding something like this from our families, but we''re also antsy to get married. Also, I guess I''m somewhat worried about the moral implications of lying about our marital status and then going through with all of the Catholic classes and pretending we''re not married when we are. As it is we were already "living in sin." I wouldn''t consider myself or FI to be devout, but many members of our families are (including the uncle obviously) so it feels wrong to be deceiving everyone.
Please help! I am OK with HONEST opinions and will not get offended....I really need some guidance and advice!
Thanks!!!

 

[cellososweet]

i really hope you meant it when you said you were looking for honest opinions.

This is just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt.

I think this is horribly immature. Marriage is a huge step in your lives and if you are trying to keep it a secret, perhaps it''s something that you aren''t ready for. I understand wanting to get married earlier. DH and I had a very difficult time with our wedding. It was planned, cancelled, replanned and recancelled due to racist issues with his parents and the fact that we gave our savings to my parents when my dad lost his job.

In the end, we wanted to be married. For love and all of the emotional reasons. But, for logistical reasons as well.

We ended up getting married in court, but we spoke to our parents about it before. We met with a lot of resistance by his parents (who were having a hard time with the issue of race) and they basically cut him off. That is something that we had to deal with. My parents were understanding and said that, though they wished we could have a big shindig, they understood. Having to have that conversation with my parents that their little darling wasn''t going to have the big white wedding was difficult. They felt guilty because they felt that it was their fault (which it wasn''t). But, having to step up to the plate and have the conversation was difficult (and facing that DH would be ostracized was worse). I think that was the final way that we knew we were ready. Being able to stand up for our decisions against those that we really loved.

If you want to get married earlier, that''s perfectly fine. But, please don''t lie about it. How devastated would you be if you found out that your kid got married behind your back (especially if they are footing the bill, even partially)? This is terribly deceptive and, frankly, it''s rude. It''s false pretense and it''s selfish.

On the religious side, I''d reeeeally think about that one. :-/

 

[purrfectpear]

Actually I don''t think it''s possible to have two weddings and not disclose that you are already married (I thought about saying something in the other thread). The officiant is the one who will ask for the license, and will sign, AND SEND IT IN TO BE REGISTERED.

If you don''t have a license, the gig is up, no? If you do try to get a license I think that might be fraud? I guess it can''t be bigamy since you can''t be a bigamist if you are marrying your own spouse. Not sure how that works. I do know that they will want your license and I have no idea how you''d go about trying to get a second license?

That''s why people have vow renewals, and the officiant uses different language for the ceremony.

It is possible outside of the US as many countries have civil ceremonies and separate church services (my parents were married twice, once a German civil marriage, and once sanctioned by the US Airforce).

 

[BriBee]

purrfectpear: We wouldn't be trying to get a second license or anything like that, so fraud wouldn't be an issue. I guess I was just wondering if it would be noticed that we had the wedding without filling out any of the paperwork (since it would have already been done).

cello: I appreciate your honesty. The dilemma for us is that a fairly big wedding is already in the works and parents are helping financially. This is why I'm having such a hard time with it. I've even thought about cancelling the wedding altogether as I watch my friend (who's getting married in October) go through MAJOR stress and drama as the day approaches. I guess we just want to be married so we can be together and know that it's official and not have to go through all the drama of the wedding. However, I'm not sure about cancelling since deposits have been put down already, and I know the day will be amazing, it's just so stressful to get there and so expensive. I also realize that our families would be hurt if they found out that we got married behind their backs. We thought about doing a small civil-ceremony thing with just immediate families, but then felt like the wedding would be superfulous and the meaning wouldn't be there. I guess I'm feeling backed into a corner because we've already paid non-refundable money towards the wedding, but we just don't want to wait that long. The Catholic part is also more for our families than it is for us. I was raised in the Catholic Church, but like I said before, neither of us is really devout. There's just a lot of family pressure to do it that way since that's how everyone has done it.

I guess we should probably just go ahead with things as planned.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I personally see nothing wrong with it, but I promise you the Catholic church will. If you are having a Catholic ceremony, wait. It is a huge hassle as it is and this would make it much harder, it just isn''t worth it.

I respectfully disagree with cello about it being imature or even really being a problem, just that you will make you''re life so much harder than it has to be for no good reason.

 

[BriBee]

brazen: Thanks for chiming in. I was really interested to hear from someone who might have some knowledge regarding the Catholic issue. I''ve only just begun looking into that part and it really is a complicated process. So if I understand correctly, if we were to get married in a civil ceremony and then go through the Catholic thing, they would have big issues with it because we were already married and it wasn''t in the church? This is starting to seem like it''s REALLY not worth the trouble...

I also just want to say that FI and I feel ready to be married, and we have no doubts. I think this is part of the reason why we just want to get it done and not wait for the big wedding affair. Right after we got engaged I did have a conversation with my mom about us getting married sooner for logistical reasons. She didn''t seem too bothered by it, but she actually said that I shouldn''t tell anyone because it would take away from our wedding day. I think FI''s family would be more bothered by it.

 

[cellososweet]

i'm sorry you're stressed out about it hon. Wedding stink on the stress scale, that's for sure. If you want to get married before, please tell your parents, since they are contributing to your wedding. I'd be really angry if I was paying for a wedding and I came to find out that I was paying for something else (because seriously. . . somehow things always get outed) If you don't want to go through the big hassle of a wedding, that's another thing. Cancel it if you really don't think that you can handle it and have a small intimate thing. I'm all for having what you want for your day. But please, do it in an honest way. That's too heavy a burden to keep on your shoulders for the rest of your life.


ETA: After reading your last post, if you've already talked to your Mom about it in passing, what's the harm in talking to her about it on a deeper level? Why keep it a secret if she didn't seem too bothered by it?

 

[BriBee]

Thanks again Cello...I guess honesty is the best policy, and we''ll definitely have to sit down and decide what we really want. I agree too that it would be horrible for someone to pay for a wedding and then find out and feel like they were "tricked" or paid for something that wasn''t really truthful. My parents are the only ones really contributing, so we''d definitely need to talk to them.
It''s funny how you said things always seem to come out. Not too long ago my friend told me a story about a couple who got married and had a beautiful wedding that the bride''s parents paid for. Then, the couple ended up breaking up except there was no divorce because they never got legally married. I''m not sure how it all went down, but I guess they just had a ceremony and never filled out any of the proper paperwork. The parents were really mad because they felt like they had been lied to, which was pretty much true. I guess we''d KINDA be doing the same thing, except we''d already be married.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 7/21/2008 7:53:33 PM
Author: BriBee
purrfectpear: We wouldn''t be trying to get a second license or anything like that, so fraud wouldn''t be an issue. I guess I was just wondering if it would be noticed that we had the wedding without filling out any of the paperwork (since it would have already been done).

Gotcha, but as far as I know you can''t find an officiant that will perform a ceremony without a license, period. It''s not optional for them to fill it out, they won''t even do the ceremony without one. It''s the first thing they ask for BEFORE the ceremony. I know a priest would definitely want to see a license.

No idea how that couple got married and "didn''t turn in the paperwork" because the married couple doesn''t have any choice. The officiant doesn''t hand you the paperwork and tell you to send it in, THEY send it in for you. There''s really no getting around that.

I''m not Catholic but did a quick Google search. It appears that the normal course of Catholic Marriage Law forbids doing a civil ceremony first and separate from the Catholic Liturgical ceremony.

 

[Pandora II]

Other than in your own minds, is there anything that will change by your being ''legally'' married in advance? Do you live together - or are you waiting until you are married?

 

[BriBee]

Pandora: When I really think about your question, I guess the answer is No. We were living together but our house fell out of escrow so we will be moving back in with parents for a few months and living apart for that time. There is a possible insurance issue that might come up when FI switches jobs. We both have good insurance with our current jobs, but when FI leaves his and gets a new job, he won''t be covered under the new insurance for 3 or 4 months. I''m nervous for him to be without insurance since he''s had some issues in the past, but I guess we could always pay the outrageously expensive price for Cobra to extend his current coverage until the new stuff kicks in. I''m glad you bring up that point because it makes me see that maybe it''s not as big of a deal as I''ve been feeling recently. I was also hoping that it might take some of the pressure off the "big day" since we were already married. However, it''s definitely becoming clear that we won''t be able to get married in a Catholic ceremony if we do a civil ceremony first. So regardless of the whole "secret from the family thing" that''s becoming a moot point since it seems impossible to do both a civil ceremony and the wedding as it''s been planned.

This is why I love PS...it''s like therapy for free. You come on here and post a dilemma and sometimes people pose just the right questions that make you see things in a different perspective.

 

[BriBee]

Date: 7/21/2008 8:25:33 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 7/21/2008 7:53:33 PM
Author: BriBee
purrfectpear: We wouldn''t be trying to get a second license or anything like that, so fraud wouldn''t be an issue. I guess I was just wondering if it would be noticed that we had the wedding without filling out any of the paperwork (since it would have already been done).

Gotcha, but as far as I know you can''t find an officiant that will perform a ceremony without a license, period. It''s not optional for them to fill it out, they won''t even do the ceremony without one. It''s the first thing they ask for BEFORE the ceremony. I know a priest would definitely want to see a license.

No idea how that couple got married and ''didn''t turn in the paperwork'' because the married couple doesn''t have any choice. The officiant doesn''t hand you the paperwork and tell you to send it in, THEY send it in for you. There''s really no getting around that.

I''m not Catholic but did a quick Google search. It appears that the normal course of Catholic Marriage Law forbids doing a civil ceremony first and separate from the Catholic Liturgical ceremony.

I''m not really sure how that happened either. Maybe they found some random person to "perform" the ceremony and it was all just lip service....?

 

[FrekeChild]

Can you get legally married and do a Catholic blessing instead of a second wedding?

My parents were married in 1977 (I think?) by a judge, because the Catholic church wouldn''t accept that marriage as valid because my dad had been divorced about 5 years earlier. As soon as my parents started thinking about getting married, they sent in all the paperwork to Rome for an annulment so they could get married in the Catholic church. The annulment didn''t go through until 2006 (the Catholic church is SLOW), so they did a vow renewal/blessing from the Catholic church as soon as everything was a-ok.

My friend originally got married in a Christian church in March 2007, but her Catholic in-laws insisted on them getting a Catholic blessing in January 2007, and there were no problems at all.

Would anyone go for that?

 

[allycat0303]

We were just talking about this in another thread. My friend got married in a court house, kept it a secret, and then got married in a catholic church the year after. Her husband was being deployed and they really wanted to be married. They did not tell their families because the families were very adament on a church wedding. They talked to the priest about it, and he said it was more common then we think. The wedding went off without a hitch a year later. I don''t see anything wrong with it, it all depends on the circumstances. I don''t think it makes it any less real, but I *think* it might feel a little anti-climatic on your actual-in-a-church wedding day.

 

[nclrgirl]

My FI and I also considered this. It is possible to get legally married and then have a Catholic ceremony to bless the marriage. However, the priest will know. If the priest marries you spiritually AND legally, he will sign the marriage license. However, if you get married legally beforehand and have a Catholic spiritual ceremony, the priest will not sign the marriage license.

Good luck with your decision!

 

[Anna0499]

I'm not sure about the actual ceremony, but I would suggest you talk to the people at the church where you would be taking classes. Personally, I would not want to start out my marriage (which, even though you "aren't devout," you are devout enough to want a Catholic wedding or at least appease those who think you do) with lies. It would really make me feel like since I am lying to the church, then the ceremony wouldn't mean anything. As Freke said, you could get a Catholic blessing and renewal of vows because it wouldn't be your first exchange, but I would imagine it would be different than a "normal" Catholic wedding mass - correct me if I'm wrong as I've never been to a Catholic wedding where it wasn't the real marriage ceremony. I know for my sister's Catholic wedding, the priest actually had everyone (bride, groom, him, two witnesses - MOH & BM) sign the certificate DURING the ceremony, but the non-Catholics probably would't notice at your wedding.

If you are already living together, I don't see how the immediacy of a marriage certificate will outweigh the stress of lying to everyone...you would just be temporarily trading the stress of the wedding (which you will have anyway) with the stress of hiding your marriage from everyone.

I don't mean to be harsh, but if you are getting married in the Catholic Church only because your family wants you to I would seriously reconsider. As a practicing Catholic, I couldn't imagine someone getting married in the church who 100% didn't want to...and adding lies to the church to that mix just doesn't sit well with me. Those classes are designed to help engaged couples in their marriage; if you are already married then I would see no point in you taking those classes besides the fact that you want to put on some show for your families.

I'm not trying to preach at you...just giving you my opinion. I found this link about the issue, but it pretty much discourages, no, FORBIDS, PLANNED civil ceremonies with a subsequent church wedding...the exceptions are mostly for couples who find the church later in their marriage.

 

[nclrgirl]

The Pre Cana (Catholic pre-marriage) classes are actually very good. My FI and I went on an "engaged encounter" weekend retreat in leu of going to classes once a week. FI is not Catholic, but he was not uncomfortable. The Engaged Encounter weekend was geared more toward talking about issues (finances, do you want children, if so, how many and when, communication, etc.) that apply to marriage in general.

 

[miraclesrule]

Depending on where you live and what priest you have, you may be able to get away with it. It happens all the time.

I have to disagree with purrfectpear, because people get married all the time at a courthouse and then have an official ceremony with an officiant. The second large cermony is symbolic and nobody expects two marriage certificates. Maybe my friend just hired a guy who will take money to marry them, but he was a better officiant than I''ve ever seen in a church.

However, the Catholic Church is a whole different ballgame and they can be very tempermental. In some strict churches here, you cannot be married before your "ceremony" and some churches won''t even let you play certain music. However, at my Mom''s church, a progressive preach actually blessed her second marraige and now the newer priest at that church wears a wedding ring. I took one look at it and went

My mom explained that he was a converted episcopali....can''t spell it...anyway, since he was already married they accepted him into the catholic faith as a married man. It blew me anyway. I was actually happy to see the church progressing.

On one hand I agree with cellosweet, especially because I believe in radical honesty, but on the other...it would make me a hypocrite. Dayum, I hate that. But confession time...(no pun intended)....my daughter was one week shy of being a year old when her father and I got married in the Catholic Church. We kept it a secret. I thought all the guests were going to start busting up laughing when he asked us if we promised to have children.

Even on our car, someone wrote on the hood " Groom + Bride = daughters name" The priest looked at it quizzically and asked what that said, and I just said "Oh, I don''t know, something crazy from our friends no doubt. Thank you so much Father" (silently I was saying I''m sorry Father for I have sinned, it has been one week since my last confession).

But that was nearly 28 years ago...and a thought has changed since then, and sadly, many things haven''t.

Personally, I think you should talk it over with your Mom. She may be all for you getting married if it suits a practical purpose and then pay for a wonderful ceremony celebration. There are many priests out there that understand practicality.

Good luck!! Congratulations on your engagement.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/21/2008 9:56:35 PM
Author: miraclesrule
Depending on where you live and what priest you have, you may be able to get away with it. It happens all the time.

I have to disagree with purrfectpear, because people get married all the time at a courthouse and then have an official ceremony with an officiant. The second large cermony is symbolic and nobody expects two marriage certificates. Maybe my friend just hired a guy who will take money to marry them, but he was a better officiant than I''ve ever seen in a church.

However, the Catholic Church is a whole different ballgame and they can be very tempermental. In some strict churches here, you cannot be married before your ''ceremony'' and some churches won''t even let you play certain music. However, at my Mom''s church, a progressive preach actually blessed her second marraige and now the newer priest at that church wears a wedding ring. I took one look at it and went

My mom explained that he was a converted episcopali....can''t spell it...anyway, since he was already married they accepted him into the catholic faith as a married man. It blew me anyway. I was actually happy to see the church progressing.

On one hand I agree with cellosweet, especially because I believe in radical honesty, but on the other...it would make me a hypocrite. Dayum, I hate that. But confession time...(no pun intended)....my daughter was one week shy of being a year old when her father and I got married in the Catholic Church. We kept it a secret. I thought all the guests were going to start busting up laughing when he asked us if we promised to have children.

Even on our car, someone wrote on the hood '' Groom + Bride = daughters name'' The priest looked at it quizzically and asked what that said, and I just said ''Oh, I don''t know, something crazy from our friends no doubt. Thank you so much Father'' (silently I was saying I''m sorry Father for I have sinned, it has been one week since my last confession).

But that was nearly 28 years ago...and a thought has changed since then, and sadly, many things haven''t.

Personally, I think you should talk it over with your Mom. She may be all for you getting married if it suits a practical purpose and then pay for a wonderful ceremony celebration. There are many priests out there that understand practicality.

Good luck!! Congratulations on your engagement.

While I see where you are going with this post...in being supportive of the PO...as a Catholic I must say I don''t really like it when people try to "get away with it" when it comes to the church. This is a discussion for an entirely different thread on probably an entirely different forum, but I actually DISLIKE the changes the American Catholic Church has taken upon itself to impose to be more "progressive." I never understood why those who had problems with the way the Catholic Church did things just didn''t join another religion that suited their values.

If you want to be married in the Catholic Church, then do so and do everything required of you by the church...don''t try to find loopholes around it...don''t lie to make it seem "picture perfect"...don''t do it to please other people...by doing so you undermine the meaning behind the ceremony altogether IMHO. You can''t have your cake and eat it too. Well, you can, but God knows all.

 

[FrekeChild]

I think honestly IndyGal, that if the Catholic church does not progress it will become obsolete. Times are advancing, and the Catholic church is, but at a very slow rate compared the rest of the world. But I''m the product of a Catholic liberal divorce attorney (as discussed in another thread) so I''m certainly coming from a more progressive mindset.

I still think you should try to do a vow renewal/blessing thing.

Personally, if you''re doing it to placate your FIL''s I wouldn''t do it at all. Then again, the friend that I mentioned above got A LOT of pressure from her ILs to get their marriage blessed by the Catholic church-like 6 months of not talking to her MIL/FIL, and numerous marital counseling sessions. Not to mention her BIL has declared that until she becomes Catholic, he will not recognize her or their daughter as a part of his family. Needless to say, she and BIL don''t talk any more. And after a year and 4 months of being married, she finally can be in the presence of MIL and FIL.

If you have to go through what she did, I would say it''s not worth it. I can''t tell you how many times she called me in tears or blowing up like a volcano. It was to the point in which she had me wondering if she was considering a separation...

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/21/2008 10:32:21 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I think honestly IndyGal, that if the Catholic church does not progress it will become obsolete. Times are advancing, and the Catholic church is, but at a very slow rate compared the rest of the world. But I''m the product of a Catholic liberal divorce attorney (as discussed in another thread) so I''m certainly coming from a more progressive mindset.

I still think you should try to do a vow renewal/blessing thing.

Personally, if you''re doing it to placate your FIL''s I wouldn''t do it at all. Then again, the friend that I mentioned above got A LOT of pressure from her ILs to get their marriage blessed by the Catholic church-like 6 months of not talking to her MIL/FIL, and numerous marital counseling sessions. Not to mention her BIL has declared that until she becomes Catholic, he will not recognize her or their daughter as a part of his family. Needless to say, she and BIL don''t talk any more. And after a year and 4 months of being married, she finally can be in the presence of MIL and FIL.

If you have to go through what she did, I would say it''s not worth it. I can''t tell you how many times she called me in tears or blowing up like a volcano. It was to the point in which she had me wondering if she was considering a separation...

Maybe many "Catholics" will leave the church, but I wouldn''t...I enjoy going to more traditional churches where things are the same as when I was growing up. If religion tries to change with the times and please people''s changing minds, I feel it loses purpose. That''s just me though.

I agree that if OP is just doing it to please her parents or in-laws then it''s not worth the trouble. She stated several times that she is not a devout Catholic, so it seems that the actual approval of the parents is what is motivating her...I also agree that it seems like a long lifetime of pleasing them.

 

[miraclesrule]

:begin mini thread jack:

Indygirl...I hear you. Live and let live. But if you are such a devout Catholic, then why do you have a Marianne Williamson quote on your signature? Almost every devout Catholiic I know thinks that a "Course in Miracles" is blaphemous.

I welcome a thread in "Hangout" or "Around the World" to engage in deeper dialogue with you about this topic.

:end mini thread jack:

 

[Pandora II]

Full Latin Mass anyone?

Glad my questions were helpful!

You might want to think about what will happen about wedding anniversaries stc - which will you celebrate?

I know what I was 9 months out from my wedding (19 month engagement) I was feeling sod this, why didn''t we elope and get married in a month (what we actually wanted to do). My parents wanted to have the big full-on wedding, so I threw myself into pulling it off the best I can.

You may find you''re just going through a blip thing that will pass,

 

[mimzy]

eek

if you want to get married "secretly" then have it convalidated by the catholic church (having it blessed), people who are familiar with the catholic wedding will be able to tell because it isn''t a complete ceremony, and your uncle/the priest probably wouldn''t be thrilled about the idea of you trying to be deceitful and make it seem like it is a normal marriage (that''s to say that they will even bless it - some churches only perform convalidation in the event that the married couple had no intention of being practicing catholics at the time of their marriage and they require a couple that plans on marrying outside the catholic church and having it recognized by the church do paperwork prior to their legal marriage to have it recognized[this is what we''re doing]).

if you want to get married now, do it, but own up to it. don''t try to make people think you''re having a normal catholic wedding. talk to your uncle to see if it''s possible to do the paperwork, have a quicky wedding now, then do a convalidation ceremony later (if they do both, which i''m not sure). the stress and drama that will surely ensue from trying to cover this up will NOT be worth it. i agree with those that said if you don''t care about the catholic blessing then don''t do it. but you can''t have your catholic wedding cake and eat it too

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/21/2008 10:53:55 PM
Author: miraclesrule
:begin mini thread jack:

Indygirl...I hear you. Live and let live. But if you are such a devout Catholic, then why do you have a Marianne Williamson quote on your signature? Almost every devout Catholiic I know thinks that a ''Course in Miracles'' is blaphemous.

I welcome a thread in ''Hangout'' or ''Around the World'' to engage in deeper dialogue with you about this topic.

:end mini thread jack:

Oh, I haven''t seen any Catholic-related threads in Hangout and I don''t post on Around the World but maybe I should! I have no problem discussing Catholicism with anyone and I actually enjoy it and I think if anyone can have a civil discussion about religion PSers can. My high school religion courses actually welcomed open dialogue between people of several different religions who went to our school and we briefly studied Hinduism, Buddhism, Confucius, etc.

I know the controversy surrounding Marianne and I don''t believe in her "Course in Miracles" book and/or her stance that there is no such thing as "sin," but I do believe that everyone has something positive to contribute and I know that speech has inspired many to allow themselves to liive to their potential. I agree that many people don''t feel like they have "permission" to do certain things for a number of reasons (i.e. see some PSers who feel self-conscious about buying big rocks with their success!).

I definitely don''t intend to be preachy on here and wouldn''t have talked so much about religion if it wasn''t in the OP, so I''ll be quiet about it now on this thread before it gets too OT...religion is another one of those "personal" choices - like almost everything on PS - so I do understand that everyone has their own opinions, and obviously I don''t let theirs affect me and I don''t try to change their mind, just state my own feelings so they are out there.

 

[cara]

Yeah, my friend got married legally for immigration reasons months before her Catholic church wedding. It might have only been the blessing of marriage - I am not sure! Whatever they did, it involved lots of paperwork between various parishes scattered across the US and Ireland and both the parents and priest knew and were OK with the prior legal ceremony. In her mother's case, she was very devout so she viewed the legal ceremony as more of a technicality necessary to expedite her daughter's legal status and the church ceremony as the real deal. There are countries in which the legal and religous ceremonies are completely separate (so you have to go through two complete ceremonies to get a marriage recognized by the state and the church.) No need for all the guests to be at both in those cases!

Yes, you shouldn't lie to people but you should try do what is right for you and your FI as well. Most people would be OK with attending the religous ceremony when the legal ceremony was months earlier, as long as there was no misrepresentation. A celebration is still warranted!

 

[Elmorton]

Ditto to Mimzy. We had an Episcopal blessing (so the liturgy and most "rules" surrounding the marriage rite are nearly identical to Catholic) and there were definitely differences btw the blessing and the actual marriage rite in the prayer book. Also, since we technically had a christian marriage prior to the blessing (friend of DH's got ordained online through the universal life church) the situation was stickier. It's a lot easier to have a marriage blessed if you have a civil ceremony, because, at least in the Episcopal church, the blessing is pretty much reserved for renewal, couples who marry legally for other reasons (example: one person is being deployed), couples who were not part of the christian faith when they were married, etc. Our priest was pretty awesome about not asking too many questions about why we wanted two ceremonies, but I get the idea that what we did isn't really what you're supposed to do and not all clergy would agree to do it.

ETA: Do you live in a state where your marriage license is published? Ours was in the paper. If you get it a year before your wedding, it will a)be invalid for the catholic mass b) raise eyebrows.

 

[Haven]

I can''t comment on the Catholicism issue because I''m not familiar with those rules.

However, I do want to share that my own religious (Jewish) wedding ceremony was profoundly moving for me because it marked the beginning of our marriage, and not just a celebration of it. The only negative that I can think of to legally marrying far in advance of your religious ceremony is that the religious ceremony may (or may not) lose some of that profundity because it will be happening after the fact. Or it may not, but it''s just something to think about.

It was so incredibly overwhelming standing up there, facing my husband, and having a beautiful ceremony to mark the beginning of our lives together in front of all our friends and family. I wouldn''t trade that feeling in for all the world, let alone a few months of being married beforehand.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Correct me if I''m wrong, but you are both moving back in with parents, right? Why would you WANT to be married in that situation, anyway

As far as the wedding stress goes, I can''t imagine the wedding planning would be any less stressful knowing that you are already married. All the details and money would remain the same if nobody knows you''re married, plus you have the added stress of lying to everyone.


I can see where having your own secret wedding date could be romantic, but in your case, it just sounds like a headache. I don''t know about the insurance issues, but maybe his parents could help him with the cost of extending his current plan since they are the ones who want the Catholic wedding.


I also agree that you shouldn''t be marrying in a Catholic church unless it''s something you want for yourself. It''s okay to not be super devout, but don''t lie to your priest.


***Religion conversation two cents***

The only constant on Earth is change. If a group or idea cannot adapt, then it will certainly die. I am a "traditionalist" myself - I like sitting in a church with stained glass and pews with a preacher wearing a suit. I like to sing out of the Baptist hymnal and not off a projector screen. However, I know that in the eighteenth century, "Amazing Grace" would have been pop music! Whatever you grew up with in your church or Christian culture, whether you are Catholic or Baptist or anything else, was different than the way your grandparents did it, and different from their grandparents, and certainly different from the way the early Christians all the way back to Paul worshipped. If we don''t change, we die. Otherwise we''d all be listening to Latin that we don''t know how to read. However, there is something to be said for not wanting to change too quickly, for fear of throwing out the baby with the bathwater. That''s why it''s good to have radical and conservative members in any group. It keeps change balanced!

BTW, I think there''s something very attractive about a church that can trace itself all the way back to Jesus. I don''t know much about Catholicism, but would love to learn more as I truly respect the church for its place in Christianity.

 

[Daydreamer7130]

Date: 7/22/2008 12:25:21 AM
Author: SanDiegoLady
Have a talk with your priest, be open, be honest. If its important to your husband to be married in the church, do it right the first time..

This is great advice!! There is nothing wrong with a small intimate Catholic ceremony in the Church. I understand the perceptions that people have of being married in the Church and having a huge ceremony and even bigger reception. Usually these are the parents or the older generation. Have a small candlelight Catholic ceremony with as many people as YOU and FI want and you can still have the small reception of wine/champagne and Hors d''oeuvres right after the ceremony. If you have the food and drink catered maybe you can still keep your deposits somehow and if you rented a big room for the reception maybe they can switch it to a smaller more intimate room and give you credit towards the smaller room.

IMO, it''s the quality of everything you do in life that matters not the quantity. I''m sure your parents who are financially contributing can appreciate quality vs. quantity. This is not a popularity contest of who gets invited and who doesn''t. This is what you and your FI want for a wedding. Besides, if push comes to shove over invitees you can send out very classy photo announcements to those who would have been on the "big list". That way they can have a keepsake photo.

Please discuss this with the FIs uncle and tell him what you want for a ceremony. I''m sure his opinion will be respected and you may need him on your side to explain the situation to those who want to control YOUR wedding.

Good luck sweetie and stick to your guns and don''t settle for anything less (or more) than what you and your FI want.

Cynthia