Wedding paperwork - secret marriage?

[appletini]

Date: 7/22/2008 5:26:17 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
Correct me if I''m wrong, but you are both moving back in with parents, right? Why would you WANT to be married in that situation, anyway

As far as the wedding stress goes, I can''t imagine the wedding planning would be any less stressful knowing that you are already married. All the details and money would remain the same if nobody knows you''re married, plus you have the added stress of lying to everyone.


I can see where having your own secret wedding date could be romantic, but in your case, it just sounds like a headache. I don''t know about the insurance issues, but maybe his parents could help him with the cost of extending his current plan since they are the ones who want the Catholic wedding.


I also agree that you shouldn''t be marrying in a Catholic church unless it''s something you want for yourself. It''s okay to not be super devout, but don''t lie to your priest.

Ditto what Guilty Pleasure said. Plus getting married isn''t about the wedding, its about your marriage and whats best for the two of you. If you want to get married now, then get married now but don''t hide it.

 

[BriBee]

I just wanted to come back and say thank-you to everyone who offered their advice. I have definitely decided that whatever we decide to do, we need to be honest and open with the members of our families and the church.
To address what people said about not having a Catholic ceremony just to please family...I totally agree with this, and having a Catholic ceremony is something that I have always imagined I would do. I have also always wanted to attend the engaged encounter, and have been looking forward to this since I've been engaged. However, I didn't always know I would be marrying a man whose uncle was a priest (and a very highly regarded, popular priest in our Diocese) so this has just intensified the issue. The one other complication we are having is that we'd like an outdoor ceremony, and for those of you who are familiar with the different rules of the church, this isn't a simple thing to do. We will most likely have to be writing a letter to the Bishop for permission to do this. We have also run into issues with the church we looked at because of the many restrictions (especially for music which is very important to us....must be organ music, can't be secular) This is where I'm having a hard time balancing what we have envisioned for our wedding along with incorporating religion and family values. FI's family has also been pushing for us to get married at the Mission where everyone on his side has been married and to have the reception at the same site as everyone in his family (even though we've already put deposits down on another ceremony/reception location). Basically, I'm feeling a LOT of pressure from FI's family on many fronts, not just the church part. I just think they need to understand that we want to incorporate aspects and traditions from BOTH sides of the family, and not have the exact same wedding as the last 10 on his side. As Pandora stated earlier, I'm beginning to think "sod it!"
The other option that we've come up with is to have a small ceremony in the Mission within a day or two before or after the big shindig....but this is something that we need to sit down and discuss with everyone so we can work out the logistics and make sure that everything is within the rules of the church.
Thanks again for everyone's advice and opinions. In light of recent events (moving home

) this issue might just go away since it would feel weird to be married and living in that situation. Plus, I am beginning to see that unless we call off the formal affair, getting married sooner really won't take any stress away.

 

[Anna0499]

I wish you luck in everything and hopefully your FI''s family backs down once you put your foot down.

I think it''s pretty normal for all brides-to-be (although I am not one so I''m not 100%) to feel like they just want to get everything over with once the date approaches yet still seems so far away. I''m glad you''ve decided to be open and honest about it all - whatever you decide I think that your choice is the best way to go - you won''t have to worry about hiding from anyone and any drama that would ensue if people found out would be avoided. Good luck!

 

[LLML]

Hi, Just my two cents. I noticed that the reason you wanted to have a civil ceremony sooner is to avoid stress. If you can''t handle the stress of a big wedding ( I understand how much it is because I experienced it) which will be nothing compared to the real stress of handling major life issues during your union, you are not ready to be married. So think about this, please. Stress is part of life and if you are looking to escape from it, this is not a mature attitude.

The second thing is I would suggest you consider the real reason of your ceremony. Is it to "have everything you envisioned for your ceremony"? Or is it to have a ceremony that you believe God is sanctioning and supporting and blessing? If it is the former, you are not on the same page as a believing Catholic - please tell your fiance now because as a Catholic this is a very serious step for him, not just some "dream party" day. I hope this doesn''t sound harsh, but I am trying to write quickly.

It is not fair for him to enter a full Catholic marriage if you do not understand the obligations this puts on him. He cannot divorce you and remarry and still receive the Eucharist. What do you think about divorce? You could really screw up his life if you don''t understand how this impacts him. And lying to the priest, though it may not be serious to you, is serious to him and other believing Catholics. I''m sorry, but the entire tone of the post is very immature and I would suggest you put off the marriage.

That being said, if you have a civil ceremony before the church ceremony and lie to the priest, you will be insulting the priest and the church and you may be denied the marriage ceremony. You will also be discovered because the priest will request your marriage license and and you won''t have one; since you already had one which was signed and converted to a marriage certificate by your officiant, the judge, and you cannot have another license for the same couple. The church will require that you take certain steps of documentation before it performs a convalidation ceremony, and will probably require: an explanation of why you married outside the church, maybe a waiting period before they think you are mature or ready enough, and probably pre-cana classes. The priest may also put restrictions on the size and elaborateness of the ceremony given that you have ignore the rules of the church he may not let you have a big ceremony. He may also question why you want the ceremony, and as I said, may refuse to perform it.

Bottom line, if you don''t like the church, just marry civilly - it is easier and less risky to your fiance. Think about it, and if you really want what the church wedding is providing, follow the church procedure fully and you will be happy and blessed.

I wish you the best.