Wedding Blues....what''s wrong with me?

[aquarius_ser]

To make this short, we''ve been engaged for over 3 months now and haven''t set a wedding date.

I''m pretty much dreading planning a wedding.... it has nothing to do with my fiance, I love him to death and I couldn''t live w/out him. We would just rather go to a beach, but his family wants to be a part of things and they can''t afford to go to a beach w/us.

I just can''t bear the thought of all these decisions to make:

1. A Summer or Fall wedding? His family lives 5 hours away, would it be easier to have it in Summer since his nieces/nephews are out of school?
2. He''s divorced w/no annulment, should we just marry outside somewhere if it''s in the Summer? What if it rains?

...agony...
3. I don''t want to spend much money on a hall so I have to do some legwork

... agony...
4. It will be a small wedding, do we have to have a wedding party?

.... more agony...
5. I don''t talk to half my family, do I HAVE to invite them?

....extreme agony...

The only thing I''m looking forward to is finding a dress because I love shopping!

I wish I would just wake up tomorrow married!

 

[robbie3982]

Awe, I''m sorry you''re so stressed Aquarius! Believe me I understand. Try not to look at the big picture. Just take everything one step at a time otherwise it can be very overwhelming. I used to do a bit of event planning at my old job and it made me so stressed out. When I started wedding planning I was freaking out about having so much to do. First things first, decide on a season. Once you have your season, select as many dates in that season as you can that would work for everyone. That way when you find a place you have a list all ready and can compare it to their available dates. Next start looking into places to have it. I''d say that summer would probably be easier with the kids, but if you want summer, you should definitely start looking at places soon.

You''re by no means required to have a wedding party if you don''t want one.

Have you thought about having a simple ceremony on the beach with just you and your FI and then having a party with family later to celebrate?

 

[aquarius_ser]

Yes, I thought about just us 2 getting married on our Honeymoon. I can''t decide on that either.

The thing is, I really want my parents there, I''m very close to them. Also, my dad was diagnosed w/lung cancer 3 years ago and I at the time, I didn''t think he would be around to walk me down the aisle. So it''s kind of special to me that he''s there. At the same time, I will be a mess walking down the aisle with him... I hope I can keep it together.

You are right, I need to do one thing at a time. I''m freaking out about all the things I have to do.

 

[AceP]

my BF and i aren''t even engaged yet and we''re already dreading some similar issues. have you considered having a very small ceremony - either outside in a park or in a church/synagogue - followed by a nice festive dinner or champagne brunch at a restaurant? or, alternatively, a small private ceremony with immediate family only, followed by a big, low-key party for a wider group? in either of these scenarios, you eliminate the wedding party and don''t have to invite relatives you''re not crazy about. and if you elect a small ceremony followed by a big party on another day, you can buy TWO dresses! fun, fun...

 

[E B]

Date: 11/13/2006 11:19:52 AM
Author: aquarius_ser

You are right, I need to do one thing at a time. I'm freaking out about all the things I have to do.

Don't freak out! It's a party...a celebration of your marriage. If you want it to be small, keep it small. If you don't want a wedding party, don't have a wedding party (we're not, and reading about BM drama on this site and others, I think it's one of the best wedding decisions we've made!). You can marry somewhere indoors that isn't a church, which solves both of your worries.

What about having a small ceremony with just family and close friends of you and FIs choosing with a small reception at a family home or a restaurant? Then, a nice, relaxing honeymoon.

 

[mercoledi]

Aww, I felt exactly the same way, and it all worked out in the end! I went thought exactly the same thing; when I had to considere choosing linens or a caterer, I was ready to quit. It'll be ok, just focus on what you and your FI will enjoy. For us that ment nixing the big wedding and having a small beautiful ceremony with three select guests, and throwing a big party later. Talk about it and figure out what will work best for the two of you and best reflect your personalities, fulfill your needs and forget all the rest! There's no timeline on when you have to have things planned by IMO the most important decisions are:

1. general scale. Do you want an intimate, small ceremony or a larger affair?
2. Date/ time of year. Is there a special season that's meaningful for the two of you? Are there months that just will never work?
3. Location. Do you need to be close to home? Would it help to get married kind of far away so that the guest list limits itself?

And I don't mind mentioning that it took months just to work that out. Talk it through, you may find it's more exciting when you're working on it together than when it's just you fretting over it in your head.

Good luck, and congratulations on your engagement!

ETA: I re-read your post and wanted to add that there's no rule that you have to have a bridal party, or that you need to invite family if you're not close to them. I had to make that decision, and it was hard, but in the end I was happier being pretty much alone than I would have been if my family that I'm not close to had been present and we'd all been there pretending to know and like eachother just for the occasion. It sucks, but it happens to plenty of people, we're not all the Waltons here!

 

[Molly1024]

If the thought of all that planning and stress totally just freaks you out, first go buy a fabulous dress (don''t worry about it matching the venue- wear whatever makes you feel like a bride). I''d plan a small simple ceremony sometime in the not so distant future (read: less stress), invite your favorite people, and arrange to have the reception at a restaurant where they will take care of everything.

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 11/13/2006 11:57:31 AM
Author: AceP
my BF and i aren''t even engaged yet and we''re already dreading some similar issues. have you considered having a very small ceremony - either outside in a park or in a church/synagogue - followed by a nice festive dinner or champagne brunch at a restaurant? or, alternatively, a small private ceremony with immediate family only, followed by a big, low-key party for a wider group? in either of these scenarios, you eliminate the wedding party and don''t have to invite relatives you''re not crazy about. and if you elect a small ceremony followed by a big party on another day, you can buy TWO dresses! fun, fun...

Not to thread hijack, but Ace, your dog is adorable!!! He reminds me of my dog (really my parents dog since he lives with them)! What kind is he? Ours is from the pound, but my mom thinks he''s a border collie mix.

 

[firebirdgold]

You don''t have to do anything you don''t want to! It''s your wedding!!

We were getting stressed out about the guest list and other stuff too. I also really didn''t want a wedding party. Then my fi had the brilliant idea to just get married with our parents and siblings in attendance. Having a DW makes a great excuse not to invite more people, although the main reason we''re having a DW is because no family member lives near a beach that''s warm in March! (I grew up next to the ocean and I''m getting married on a beach come hell or high water!!)
We had thought of Mexico since then we could invite one or two best friends each and everyone could afford to get there (including his family). But fi has a horror of needles and Mexico requires a blood test.

We''re now having our wedding in Hawaii, and my father is burning through his frequent flyer miles to get everyone out there. Instead of a reception or other expensive things the wedding budget will cover the resort hotel rooms for everyone for four nights. It''s an all inclusive place so the food is included, even the wedding diner. And the ceremony, pictures, flowers, musician, officiant, leis, flower path, cake, and beach-side private dinner set-up with decorations will cost $4000.

Season: how old are the nieces/nephews? They might be less flexible in the summer if they have camp or summer jobs. Taking a friday off to get to a wedding during school might be easier. Pick whatever appeals to you the most! You could marry outside in the fall too! A lot of places have their nicest weather in the fall, and there might be fall leaves!

Family: There is no reason why you have to invite your extended family. You don''t have to invite people you don''t really talk to. My cousins never invited me to their weddings. They weren''t invited to my sister''s wedding. You can have the wedding you choose to have. If you want a really small wedding people will respect that.

Expense: If the beach is too expensive how about a long weekend at a Bed n Breakfast in the countryside? Get married at the side of a lake, or on a terrace looking over the woods. That kind of thing. Maybe you could find something mid-way between you and his family?

Rain: We''re getting married on a beach in the rainy season. While most places have back-up indoor locations, I''d only do that if there was a hurricane! So I''ll be getting some pretty umbrellas for everyone including the officiant.

Basically, make a list of the four things that are the most important to you, both the tangible and intangible. Be flexible on everything else, and think outside the box! It''s amazing freeing to toss out all the things you think you had to have, but don''t actually impact your list.

 

[aquarius_ser]

Thanks to all for your advice... You''ve given me a different perspective on things and I''ve realized that we have to do what makes us happy.

I was talking to FH last night and told him I''m making an appt to look at a hall on Saturday. He''s like, what? We''re going to have one of those weddings? I have to wear a tux? We''ll have to do those dumb dances? I said, "then do you want to go the beach?" (which means his 2 sisters couldn''t come due to $$$ ....so he can''t decide....

His first wedding was 400 people and $35,000 so he''s not wanting to do that again! ...which is good for me, because I''m not into that either! ...and neither is my parents checkbook!

So I booked a 2pm appt on Sat to look at a reception hall... it seems reasonable $4000/120 people (not that we''ll have that many) There''s also a vineyard in town that is the same price that would be really awesome, I''m going to make an appt w/them as well.

After looking at these 2 places, I think we''ll be able to decide more what we want to do!

 

[KimberlyH]

1. A Summer or Fall wedding? His family lives 5 hours away, would it be easier to have it in Summer since his nieces/nephews are out of school?

It would probably be easier and if you are willing to do so and are okay with a summer wedding that''s really sweet and thoughtful of you!

2. He''s divorced w/no annulment, should we just marry outside somewhere if it''s in the Summer? What if it rains? ...agony...

If you like the idea of marrying outside go for it! If you fear rain, have the ceremony under a tent. my experience is that most venues have provisions in place in case of weather issues.

3. I don''t want to spend much money on a hall so I have to do some legwork ... agony...

Have you considered having a small wedding ceremony (just parents and siblings) and then a larger backyard party to celebrate post honeymoon? It would be lest costly and less stressful.

4. It will be a small wedding, do we have to have a wedding party? .... more agony...

Absolutely not, unless you want to, and you don''t have to have equal ratios of men to women if you so choose either! We had 28 guests at our wedding, and no wedding party. Almost everyone that is extremely close and important to us was sitting in the audience so it didn''t really matter.

5. I don''t talk to half my family, do I HAVE to invite them? ....extreme agony...

No, but try and draw lines accross the board. We invited aunts and uncles but no cousins. This avoided hurt feelnigs. It was difficult because I would have liked to have some cousins attend, but I didn''t want to cause family riffs and those who weren''t invited were very understanding, they just asked that we share pictures!!


Can you delegate to your mom and MIL? They live for this stuff and your MIL would probably really appreciate being included in the planning. If not, then ask a friend to help or a family member you think would be excited. I did all of the leg work for a co-worker/friend''s wedding, because she just didn''t even know when to begin, at the same time as I planned my own wedding. I am really good at organizing and compiling info and she isn''t, so she relied on me for guidance. I did a bunch of work then handed her over to a wedding coordinator (she was having a DW and I couldn''t plan the details). It was fun for me.

Best of luck to you and I''m so sorry you''re feeling this way!