Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

we just want to get to that next step. please give advice.

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

AshleyS.McD

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 27, 2009
Messages
5
my bf and i have been together for 4 years. we were best friends in high school and just grew into being a couple. he''s wonderful and i wouldn''t trade him for the world. we''ve known for years now that we want to be married one day, we were just waiting till he felt ready to announce it to the world and have a formal engagement.

a little back story. i''m 21, he''s 22. he''s still in college, living at home, and saving a whole lot of money to make a life for us. his dad pays for his college as long as he lives at home.

i was in college. once the recession set in really hard, i couldn''t afford to pay for school anymore and have taken time off and am working at a local high school. i''m living with my parents again. we have a goal of november 2009 to have our own furnished place again.

in december we began shopping around and finally purchased a ring. he hadn''t really saved anything at the time, did it all on credit, and knew that he would still be just fine financially. he didn''t just give it to me because he wanted to be romantic and retain some of the tradition. he talked to my parents, got their blessing, then talked to his dad.

he made him take my ring back. he threatened to kick him out and not pay for his schooling anymore. he said he didn''t respect him as a man, that''s what convinced him to take it back. he wants his dads respect. he wants him to be proud of him and happy about us taking the next step in our relationship. so even though it broke my heart, he took it back.

this month we started shopping again. he has saved more than %50 of the cost of a new ring (i felt unattached to the original style i had wanted) and i agreed to go with a mois center to save even more money (because that was most of his dads complaint, saving money and cost of diamonds.) he was going to buy it today and didn''t. his dad wants him to wait longer.

we had a date set that we wanted to get married and it was for a very practical reason. he''s going to be transferring colleges in the next year and his tuition costs are going to increase exponentially. we are also going to be paying for his tuition ourselves. if we are married, he wont have to use his parents income on his fafsa and he will get aid or at the least subsidized loans. if we don''t get married before a certain date, he definitely wont get any help. his dad thinks a 3 month engagement is sufficient to plan the wedding that we dream of. all the women out there know it''s not.

i''m just stressed out and hurting. i keep getting my hopes us. this should be our decision and his dad just keeps pushing it farther and farther away. i just wanted a little unbiased opinion.
<3ash
 

NakedFinger

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 8, 2009
Messages
690

I would say your bf needs to be a man, and stop doing what ever his daddy tells him. If the two of you want to get married, and this man loves you and you love him, and he is clearly ready, he needs to stop being so concerned about what his dad is telling him! I cant believe that he would actually take the ring back, and that he is now waiting longer because his dad said so. Is it his dad marrying you or is it him, you know? You guys are adults, and shouldn''t let someone else''s opinion stand in your way.


Sorry for being blunt, but that''s just ridiculous to me. My FF and I too started dating in HS, and at 21 we BOUGHT (not rented) a home together. We paid our own bills, and started our careers, etc, and though our parents were very happy for us, even if they weren''t they cant really do anything about it at that point. You are adults, do what YOU want.

Hope that sheds some light. Good luck to you both!


(Also, rather than post this is Proposal Ideas....you may want to post it in Ladies in Waiting. You will prob get A LOT more feedback there)
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
Oh sweetheart, I just wanted to give you my support and best wishes, this is a very difficult situation for yourself and your fiance, please be careful and considered in your direction from here, because how you carry yourselves could have ramifications for your future relations with your inlaws.

Firstly, I'm not sure why your FFIL is so interested in having you wait engagement wise. If you are certain in your choice to marry - which it seems clear to me, you are - and considered in the costs associated with your marriage - which, again, seems clear that you are - why is the delay in 'officially announcing engagement' important to him?
Surely, a longer engagement is really more considerate to yourself (who no doubt will be doing a lot of the planning) and to your mother / family as well. A year is a usual engagement length over here (I'm in Australia) ... basically, yes, most of the planning DOES really happen in the last three months, but important details such as ceremony and reception venues, guest list / budget considerations and dress really have to happen sooner.

If your family, and your fiance's family are planning to help you with the cost of the wedding, it is actually better to have more time to plan... I wonder, what does your FMIL have to say about all of this? Is she an ally to you and your fiance?

Also, what is your own parental 'take' on this?

Are there any aspects to your FFIL's perspectives that may warrant further discussion / problem-solving, perhaps incorporating the views of the other parents in this wider family group?

I know that in this day and age, it all really comes down to you and your man, however, having supportive family can sometimes go a long way to smoothing over any cracks with regard to unreasonable important family members ! (such as FFILs!)

Marriage is a very grown-up thing to do - many parents seem unreasonable about it, because it is an emotional time for parents as well, they are bidding farewell to their babies!!! I have two small children and I am starting to see that letting go must sometimes be very hard.

Finally, in regard to your engagement ring and the whole drama of that aspect of the engagement costs ... at the end of the day, it is the WEDDING band, not the engagement ring, that matters in the broad scheme of things... I know that it is a tough ask for a bride to have to compromise on every aspect of wedding planning...but just know that it IS possible to go back and get the actual 'engagement ring of your dreams' years after the vows - and even the kids - have come along! I should know! I just posted my dream engagement ring (the one I really wanted from the start) on RT!!

Many, many women have fantastic marriages that started off in registry offices, with nary a diamond - or even a wedding dress or reception meal - in sight! My poor long suffering (
) sister In law has been extremely happily married to my brother for 20 years, and only last year got the white wedding and diamond ring of her dreams...that's Australian men for you!


Essentially I just wanted to give you my support, and while I probably would have pressured my man /seen this situation as a sign of his weakness (when I was at the age of 20, all revved up with no place to go), I really think you should take a deep breath, a longterm view (you are, after all, attempting to plan a marriage) and try to bear it out and support him - although always with the view to achieving your goals.
Your fiance is stuck in a difficult position, and while I know it's tempting to pressure him to 'man up', a real man knows that family is important. By considering his father's feelings (no matter how unreasonable), and attempting to work some kind of cohesive solution, he is really showing signs of developing into a wonderful family man and husband in his own terms... no doubt some kind of show down with dad may occur, because dad does seem to be acting out, perhaps dad has emotional issues, many people have very firm opinions about 'correct' ages for marriage (and we don't know how much financial sacrifice your SO's mum and dad have made to pay for your man's tuition) but your support and understanding will go a long way towards gaining a true and longterm positive outcome for yourself and your guy.

As the old Russian proverb goes: 'Pray to God, but keep rowing towards the shore."!

all the best,

L.
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
56,001
This is a tough one. I do think it is good to be respectful of parents in general, and in this case, he is living with his parents so it is even more understandable. But unless he is asking his dad for money to buy the ring, I don''t think the cost of it is any of his father''s business. As an aside, we got engaged my husband''s last semester of college and his dad lent my husband the money to buy the ring and he paid him back over the next year. So there are people who are more encouraging than your future FIL. I think what bothered me the most about your post is his father telling him he didn''t respect your BF as a man. That would be a crushing blow to most guys and I think it was horrible. It''s just difficult for him to deal with his dad when living in his home. Does he have a mother??? I''d think the mother might be more supportive unless she is afraid of the father as well.

I think you can plan a wedding in three months if you start working on the details now. Start doing the research so that all you have to do is finalize things once you are officially engaged.

(This is just an aside, but I''d vote for a smaller real diamond over what you''re considering. Even if you later get a larger diamond, the small one from this ring could be used in a pendant, whereas I just don''t think the mo. will have any value.)
 

princesss

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
8,035
Tough situation. *hug*

I think there will always be reasons to delay getting engaged. There will always be people who do not support it. They will, sometimes, be family members. But getting engaged and married is about the two of you forming a family unit. It cuts some ties to your parents (not all, but some major ones). It''s a difficult situation, it really is.

I think if the two of you know the time is right, and are able to deal financially with any possible consequences (such as his father no longer paying for school, kicking him out, etc.), then you should go for it. Because as upsetting as it is, his father does have the ability to do those things. You could also consider getting engaged with no ring, or a plain band, as it''s really the commitment that is important. Plan your wedding, get married, and get the ring when life allows it.
 

AshleyS.McD

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 27, 2009
Messages
5
thank you all for your kind and helpful words. he''s going to keep giving into his dad because frankly, it''s making his life easier in the long run. we don''t have the kind of funds to buy our own house or anything, i don''t know does in these times. i can''t even afford to finish college right now. it''s just a tough situation and i needed somewhere else to turn.

my family is extremely supportive. they love him but are beginning to get annoyed at what''s been going on.

his parents are divorced, but both sides see everything as dollar signs, and i''m beginning to see that as the root of the problem. his family is very well off, and well, mine isn''t in the least bit. i think that''s where the different mind sets come from about what it means to be ready to get married.

i don''t know what we''ll do yet, but it was very helpful to read what someone else though about the subject.

after the last year being awful, i just keep hoping for something perfect.

<3ash
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
I guess if you have to, you can book the wedding in three months... you might have to be a little flexible with venue, and it would help to have clear ideas about what you are looking for in terms of dress, colour schemes etc.

I don't think this situation is entirely fair to you! But, it has to be said, often bride (especially young brides) are placed in situations where they have to 'prove themselves' to the family of the husband.

In my SILs case, I think it should have been the other way around!!

Best to look at the big picture, and enjoy it as much as possible.
You can, and probably should, consider upgrading your engagement ring on a significant anni in a few years, if you really have to scrape right now...

Mean or jealous parentals can loosen up in a few years, especially if kids happen to come along!

Just think about your lovely guy, and be happy!
 

DiamondFlame

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 7, 2009
Messages
680
Good post, Lara.

Here''s my take as a guy. As long as your BF keeps giving in to his father''s demands, he''ll never be his own man and will never earn his father''s respect. For many guys, 22 is still rather early to be married esp if their thinking have not fully matured. But it has to start somewhere. If you think you can do it, you will find a way to do it. Your BF clearly feels he can''t survive without dad''s help.

Another option is to delay the marriage until he finishes college and starts earning his keep. I know this can be hard to do but some things just cannot be rushed. His father may be holding the view that an early marriage will derail his son''s future career track...

Getting marriage is indeed an adult decision. So take the long term view...young people tend to sweat over the small stuff like e-rings and wedding plans...
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,659
if you cannot afford college for yourself how can you pay for your boyfriend''s tuition AND living expenses for both of you? Rent, utilities, food, medical expenses, transportation, etc. If anything should happen to either of you (illness, accident, pregnancy) you''d be in real trouble and your boyfriend would have to quite school. I can understand why bf''s father does not feel his son is ready. A married man should be taking care of his wife, not the other way around.

If you rush into a quick marriage against your in-laws wishes you will set the stage for a bad in-law relationship. Of course you both are of age and can do anything you want. But you also can wait and insist your bf get through school, establish his career and in the mean time you need to go back to school even if it''s part-time or community college to increase your earning power.

PS I have kids your age and am bias towards moving slowing into marriage and finishing school.
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
As long as your BF is relying on his father to pay for his college and to give him a place to live, he will never look like a young man who is ready for marriage.

What is your big rush to get married? You say you dropped out of college because you can''t afford the tuition, and you had to move in with your parents. Why not focus on getting yourself educated, getting your BF educated, and achieving some personal goals before you rush into a marriage.

If you were my sister, that''s what I''d advise. And I don''t love anyone more than my sister.
 

partgypsy

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 7, 2004
Messages
6,471
I sincerely hope you are not saying that you two are getting married just so he can save on school expenses? I feel like I am missing some details. Right now your boyfriend is living with parents and they are paying for his school. Are they stopping paying for his school after this semester, and if so, why? Ending at a certain age, him completing his bachelors, etc? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I feel if he (and you to a less extent) are dependent on your parents financially, you are not ready to be married. When my husband and I got married we had been living independently for some years, and simply were married in a small chapel a week after my husband traveled down to register for getting married, cost of the ceremony less than $200 including my wedding dress. Who is going to be paying for this wedding you want to plan? Even if you feel emotionally ready to get married, being married is more than playing house. I think both of your parents would feel alot more comfortable if you had moved on one or more steps of adulthood, including planning and investing in your respective career choices, being financially self-supporting, being able to maintain a household (and that can be a small 1 bedroom apartment). In the eyes of your father in law, neither of you has earned his respect and right to be married because you aren't financially independent. You are both adults and have the right to be married, in turn the father has the right not to provide financial support after that. Your boyfriend has to make some decisions.
 

Nomsdeplume

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
1,671
Date: 5/18/2009 3:44:37 PM
Author: part gypsy
I sincerely hope you are not saying that you two are getting married just so he can save on school expenses? I feel like I am missing some details. Right now your boyfriend is living with parents and they are paying for his school. Are they stopping paying for his school after this semester, and if so, why? Ending at a certain age, him completing his bachelors, etc? Maybe I''m old fashioned but I feel if he (and you to a less extent) are dependent on your parents financially, you are not ready to be married. When my husband and I got married we had been living independently for some years, and simply were married in a small chapel a week after my husband traveled down to register for getting married, cost of the ceremony less than $200 including my wedding dress. Who is going to be paying for this wedding you want to plan? Even if you feel emotionally ready to get married, being married is more than playing house. I think both of your parents would feel alot more comfortable if you had moved on one or more steps of adulthood, including planning and investing in your respective career choices, being financially self-supporting, being able to maintain a household (and that can be a small 1 bedroom apartment). In the eyes of your father in law, neither of you has earned his respect and right to be married because you aren''t financially independent. You are both adults and have the right to be married, in turn the father has the right not to provide financial support after that. Your boyfriend has to make some decisions.
I must say I agree with this. I don''t know the whole situation but if you are not financially independant it''s not a good idea to get married. Most couples break up because of financial pressures. That''s a proven fact.
Maybe his father thinks that if you are ready for marriage you must be ready to look after yourselves completely. You can''t really be ready for one and not the other. I know you might be in a hurry to get married but you are both still very young and you have plenty of time for both of you to finish your studies, get jobs and earn a steady income before you get married. Then you can also afford to have the ring, wedding and honeymoon you have always wanted, and as an added bonus, you would have his father''s blessing.
 

DLSecret

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 5, 2009
Messages
21
Given the audience, this is probably going to unpopular to say the less. But what is the rush at age 22/21? Do you feel your love/relationship will fade if you don''t get married right this second? If that''s the case, it''s going to fade no matter what, marriage does not guaranteed ever lasting love. Otherwise, what difference will it make if you get married @ 22 as opposed to @ 25?

It''s easy to say "tell him to man up and stand up to his father". But it was extremely irresponsible for him to be making a fairly large purchase on credit while he''s living at home and his parents are paying his tuition. And if he did stand up to his father and decide to move ahead with the whole thing, what will you guys do when his parents cut him off? The two of you will move in with your parents and both put school on hold indefinitely? Seems like you''re counting on the financial aid he''ll be receiving to support the both of you (on top of working, I''m sure), and while it''s feasible, I''m not sure if it''s the best idea.
 

laurenfischer5

Shiny_Rock
Joined
May 17, 2009
Messages
323
I had a very similar situation when I was about to get engaged. I was 21 and my then BF was 23. My future FIL (who is very controlling) wasnt thrilled about us moving toward engagement.. He thought I needed to be out of school first. And since my BF was also mostly supported by his parents he felt pressure to do what they asked and also really wanted his dads respect and approval. This was really hard for me because my family was so supportive and his family not approving made me feel like they didnt fully approve of me (which of course was me being paranoid)...In the end my BF realized that this was a decision between the two of us. And thats what he told his dad...that he respected his opinion but he had thought it through and its what he wanted to do. So he proposed....and I of course said yes....

Long story short, we have been married for a year and a half and everything worked out fine. (FIL has backed off a lot and trusts our decisions as a married couple)

*I think your BF''s dad might be hesitant because he doesnt see how his son can financially support you and him since he''s not even supporting himself right now. What my BF did was start to pay for little things like his car insurance, health insurance, cellphone bill, etc.. His dad saw him taking on more responsibility voluntarily and it gave him a little more faith that he could handle it financially by himself.

*Its better for your BF to stand up now and show his dad that for now on its about the two of you - making decisions together - to prevent him from continuing the controlling behavior when you are married...Trust me...
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!
    What is White Gold?
    What is White Gold?
    Push Present: Engagement Ring Upgrade
    Push Present: Engagement Ring Upgrade
    20th Anniversary Upgrade
    20th Anniversary Upgrade

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top