Vietnamese culture question- wedding jewelry

[Travelgal]

Hoping a pricescoper can help. My brother is marrying a Vietnamese woman. Her parents said that traditionally the groom’s parents buy the bride’s jewelry (diamonds or pearls). Does anyone have any experience with Vietnamese wedding jewelry? If so; can you post some examples? My parents are middle class and not extremely wealthy. When I did a google search, the jewelry looked extravagant. Any help would be very much appreciated.

 

[TreeScientist]

I'm a white guy marrying a Vietnamese girl (from Vietnam) so perhaps I can offer a little bit of help concerning the wedding jewelry process.

Short answer: Yes, you are correct. Parents present wedding jewelry to the bride to be.

Long answer: During the betrothal (tea) ceremony, which typically takes place a few weeks to a few months before the actual wedding, the groom's parents typically presents the bride with wedding jewelry. In the past, the jewelry was usually high-karat (at least 20 karat) yellow gold, and consisted of a thick necklace, drop earrings, and some sort of bangle or bracelet. In modern times, it's usually the same thick necklace and bracelet, but the earrings are usually diamond (or more likely fake diamond) earrings instead of just plain gold, and the chain can have a pendant as well.

This is the custom. But that doesn't mean you have to follow it to the T. I would say that, if the parents are fairly conservative (are they living in Vietnam or Vietnamese Americans?) then they're not going to budge on the presenting of gifts during the tea ceremony. But most modern day parents aren't going to insist on buying those exact items that I listed above.

For example, in my case, my fiancee and I discussed it with her parents. My fiancee hates yellow gold (it looks terrible on her skin) so we all agreed that yellow gold would be a huge waste of money for her to wear for only 1 day. So we're still doing the necklace and diamond earrings, but in white metals instead. We also agreed that a bracelet would be a waste (since my fiancee doesn't wear those) so I'll get her a modest, nice watch instead (which she actually wants and would use). This will be in addition to the engagement ring that I got her, which is more my (American) custom.

Also, regarding the parent's of the groom "buying" the jewelry, what the bride's parents don't know won't hurt them. My case sounds similar to your brother's. I am in a much better state financially than my parents. They live a very modest life and my mom has had health problems recently, so they wouldn't be able to make such purchases in financial prudence, and I wouldn't want them to either. So I'm buying all of the jewelry, but my parents will present it to my fiancee during the ceremony. Doesn't really matter who buys it, just that they present it. If the bride's parents really care and ask about it (which I highly doubt they will), just tell your brother to say "My parent's and I picked it out together."

Also, regarding the "extravagant" wedding jewelry that you're seeing, I can tell you a few things that may ease your mind.

1.) Gold jewelry is SUPER cheap in Vietnam. Seriously, you basically get the jewelry at melt value for the gold content plus a few bucks for the labor. So these extremely thick, high carat yellow gold necklaces that would sell for a $1k plus in America? Yeah, you could pay about a third of that in Vietnam for quality that is just as good. So if you're having the ceremonies in Vietnam and the bride wants the thick yellow gold jewelry, buy it in Vietnam!

2.) I would not buy diamonds in Vietnam. Diamond prices are pretty tightly controlled throughout the world, so there aren't really any deals on that front. And I highly doubt you could get high quality diamonds from honest salesmen there. So buy it in the U.S. IF she wants diamonds. See next point:

3.) Check about the diamonds and if they are necessary. In my case, I did the diamond earrings and engagement ring simply because I had the financial means to and I wanted to. But I highly doubt the parent's would insist on them. Let me tell you a little secret about most of those extravagant pictures you are seeing of Vietnamese wedding jewelry in Vietnam: The gold is real, but I guarantee you that 95% of any stones in said jewelry are fake.

4.) PEARLS. The best kept secret of Vietnam! Pearls are SUPER cheap there (just like the gold). Vietnam is one of the largest producers of Gem-quality pearls in the world. And you can get them directly at the source there. When my fiancee and I were visiting Huế last year, we stopped by a local oyster farming Village. No-one spoke English, so I let my fiancee do the negotiating, but we got two sets of absolutely beautiful, 10mm pearl necklaces and matching earrings for the equivalent of $125 total (for BOTH sets). I was hesitant to buy them, because I thought we would be taken for a ride, but I said "Why not, they're beautiful even if they're fake." Took them back home and went to a jeweler to see if they were real. Turns out they were, and he said they would sell for about $500 each of the necklace/earring sets. So about $1000 of pearl jewelry for $125. Gave one set each to my mom and her mom and they love them.

tl:dr version of this novelette (sorry, I got excited to see another Vietnamese here ):

1) Talk to parent's in law. Discuss expectations and what the bride actually wants (which is the most important thing).
2) Buy the gold and/or pearls in Vietnam. Don't waste your money in the U.S. Remember, every price is negotiable there.
3 and most important) Discuss if diamonds are necessary. If neither your brother nor your parents can afford them, I highly doubt the bride's parents would let that come between them and the marriage. Vietnamese people are some of the most non-materialistic and family-oriented individuals I've had the pleasure of interacting with during my world travels, and I can almost guarantee that they only want their daughter to be happy. I doubt they'd place such value on a few specs of carbon that they would delay or cancel a tea ceremony over it.

If real diamonds aren't necessary, you could get the gold and/or pearl (or fake diamond) necklaces, earrings, and bracelet for $500-1000 in Vietnam. And again, it doesn't matter that your parents or your brother pay for it. Just that your parents give it to the bride.

Best of luck to your brother and his fiancee.

 

[Maja]

@Travelgal I can tell you about my limited experience from 1987, but I don't know if it applies to your situation--
The wedding took place in the US and I admired the bride's necklace of gold beads, maybe 10mm each, and 27 inches long? She said every little Vietnamese girl wore the same type of necklace as a bride, and the mothers all started buying the individual beads early so even if they could only buy a few a year, by the time the daughter was married she would have a whole strand. The yellow gold looked fabulous against the traditional red silk dress and headdress she wore.
She and the bridegroom paid for the engagement ring, it was a lovely marquise-cut diamond,under a carat, set in a 18K YG solitaire. The stone cost $800, which was not at all an outrageous price, and she bought it at a jeweler's owned and staffed completely by Vietnamese in Northern Virginia.
There were months of discussion about this wedding because there would be two ceremonies, one Buddhist and one Christian, and family was coming from all over the US and Europe to attend. I never heard any discussion about the bridegroom's parents presenting jewelry to the bride, but they did present a roast suckling pig on a platter at one of the events.
As I say, there were months of discussion before this, and I heard lots of it because DH and the bridegroom had been friends for years. So much had to be discussed and hammered out, but every one involved behaved appropriately and there were absolutely no lingering feuds or grudges, which was very different from so many other weddings I had heard about or witnessed.
As I said, that was a long time ago, and customs do change. I wish your brother and his fiancee the best of luck and much happiness together.

 

[Travelgal]

THANK YOU so much for the very helpful information. They are doing the traditional tea ceremony the same day as they are having the American ceremony. My brother’s fiancé is first generation American, but from a very traditional Vietnamese family. My mom has been very anxious about picking out the jewelry, so I will talk to my brother’s fiancé to get an idea of what she expects/wants. Initially my mom was looking at 0.25ct solitaire diamond necklace pendants, but I was concerned that would offend my brother’s fiancé’s family. My mom plans on giving her diamond stud earrings that are family heirlooms in addition to a necklace. Is that acceptable or does the jewelry need to be new?

 

[TreeScientist]

THANK YOU so much for the very helpful information. They are doing the traditional tea ceremony the same day as they are having the American ceremony. My brother’s fiancé is first generation American, but from a very traditional Vietnamese family. My mom has been very anxious about picking out the jewelry, so I will talk to my brother’s fiancé to get an idea of what she expects/wants. Initially my mom was looking at 0.25ct solitaire diamond necklace pendants, but I was concerned that would offend my brother’s fiancé’s family. My mom plans on giving her diamond stud earrings that are family heirlooms in addition to a necklace. Is that acceptable or does the jewelry need to be new?

Glad we could help!

As for the new/used question, the only way to know whether it would be OK is to ask the bride and her parents. I can come on here and write about what my fiancee and I are doing, but you can't generalize what everyone in an entire culture would want just from a small subset of examples. That would be like someone from another country other than America asking "What kind of wedding jewelry do Americans buy?" and then someone answering "Well, I have a brand new, 1 carat white gold solitaire engagement ring and matching band, so EVERYONE in America must also receive these exact same items."

Moral of the story: Everyone is different. Culture somewhat dictates our preferences, but everyone has their own individual desires that may or may not align with cultural norms. And that makes people unique. And uniqueness is great.

But I personally think a nice set of heirloom studs would be both beautiful and meaningful.

 

[rockysalamander]

At a recent Vietnamese wedding, during the ceremony (the Buddhist one), the groom's family also had several boxes for the bride's family. The boxes were black lacquer boxes covered in red cloth. I was told the boxes contained nice wine, a special green tea, betel, money, and some traditional cakes in the shape of a rose.

 

[Austina]

I’ve already told my sons g/f that as we’re British, and she’d be marrying in to our family, OUR tradition is that her father needs to provide her with a dowry

 

[TreeScientist]

One thing I will say about the earrings though is that they're usually drop earrings in a teardrop or diamond-drop shape. My fiancee did not want an expensive pair of drop earrings, as she can only wear studs at work (healthcare field). The work-around that we decided on is to get a nice set of studs, and then buy a pair of drop earring jackets to wear for the tea ceremony and wedding day. That way she can still wear her studs daily and be reminded of her wedding, but will have the drop earring jackets to wear for the ceremonies (and also whenever she wants to bling up for date night ).

One option for you would be to present the bride with the heirloom studs and a set of new drop earring jackets. Some thing like this:
http://www.ross-simons.com/products/797423.html

Or this from Stuller (local jewelers can typically order stuller settings):
https://www.stuller.com/products/78...yId=19710&recommendationSource=CategoryBrowse

Hope that helps!

 

[Travelgal]

Thank you all again. I think we are going with Akoya pearls instead of diamonds. She said she likes pearls, so hopefully she will like them.

 

[Thamer]

Hi everyone. I was searching about same subject and I found this forum discussed it already. Hope I can have some answers or recommendations for me from you. HIGHLY APPRECIATED. I will going to marry divorced Vietnamese woman. DO WE HAVE TO CONDUCT ALL ceremonies as marry first time. ME TOO DIVORCED. I need an answer from Vietnamese cultural prospective. Secondly, I'm alone my parents will not be with me in the dám hỏi which will going to do soon. So I don't know this will sound how? I'm not Living in Vietnam now and I have short time to prepare and do the engagement party as I discussed it with my gf. We agreed to have simple party but this term seems too generic to me because I really don't know what have to be done and what can be waived. Anyone could help it will be highly appreciated. Thanks

 

[TreeScientist]

Hi everyone. I was searching about same subject and I found this forum discussed it already. Hope I can have some answers or recommendations for me from you. HIGHLY APPRECIATED. I will going to marry divorced Vietnamese woman. DO WE HAVE TO CONDUCT ALL ceremonies as marry first time. ME TOO DIVORCED. I need an answer from Vietnamese cultural prospective. Secondly, I'm alone my parents will not be with me in the dám hỏi which will going to do soon. So I don't know this will sound how? I'm not Living in Vietnam now and I have short time to prepare and do the engagement party as I discussed it with my gf. We agreed to have simple party but this term seems too generic to me because I really don't know what have to be done and what can be waived. Anyone could help it will be highly appreciated. Thanks

Just asked my wife. She said she's not an expert, and again, this is going to vary family to family, but even with a second marriage most families would want to do all of the ceremonies. If you read my posts above though, you can see that it's pretty much impossible to generalize what everyone in a county would want to do in a specific situation. That would be like asking "In America, if this is a second marriage, do we need to have a big extravagant ceremony or can we just elope?" It's going to depend on the individuals in question.

You said that your GF's family is giving you generic answers. Well, you need to ask them to EXPLICITLY describe to you what they're expecting for the ceremonies. If you listen to random people on the internet, there's bound to be disappointment.

Sorry if that is vague and not quite what you're looking for, but it's probably the best advice you can receive.

Congrats on your coming wedding and I hope you enjoy it, no matter how you decide to celebrate.

 

[TODiamonds]

Hi everyone. I was searching about same subject and I found this forum discussed it already. Hope I can have some answers or recommendations for me from you. HIGHLY APPRECIATED. I will going to marry divorced Vietnamese woman. DO WE HAVE TO CONDUCT ALL ceremonies as marry first time. ME TOO DIVORCED. I need an answer from Vietnamese cultural prospective. Secondly, I'm alone my parents will not be with me in the dám hỏi which will going to do soon. So I don't know this will sound how? I'm not Living in Vietnam now and I have short time to prepare and do the engagement party as I discussed it with my gf. We agreed to have simple party but this term seems too generic to me because I really don't know what have to be done and what can be waived. Anyone could help it will be highly appreciated. Thanks

I don't think your divorce status matters. Most traditional Vietnamese families will want to do all the ceremonies.

It's OK to be alone for the "dam hoi" (engagement party) but if possible, it would be better if you can bring just a few of your friends / groomsmen to help balance the numbers (the more people you bring, the more "respect" is shown - from a traditional standpoint - but not a big deal if it's not possible). Since your side is much smaller, I suggest you keep the ceremonies small, intimate and practical - sounds like you guys are already in agreement on this. My advice is to let her and her family handle the planning of the ceremonies since you're out of the country and it sounds like you are unfamiliar with the customs and traditions. Let her take the lead with her family and make sure you know what is expected of you (gifts, etc). See link below for a fairly standard Dam Hoi - hope that helps.

http://www.donegeemedia.com/2017/05/09/expect-vietnamese-tea-ceremony/