Vent: reflecting on my wedding makes me cry (long)

[aprilcait]

I don''t exactly know how to start this or why exactly I''m writing this but I guess I just need to get it out. Every time I think about my wedding, I either cry or want to cry. Let me note that I am not (as in, not at all) a crier. So this is very odd for me.

Anyway, my dad and I have a weak relationship. Originally, I had tossed around the idea in my head of not having him walk me down the aisle because I just don''t feel close to him, but I knew that that would really hurt him. So, he walked me. When we got to the end of the aisle, he said: "congratulations" and gave me a brief hug... that was it. No "I love you", not even a full hug. That was tough for me, even though I had known not to really expect more of him. Then it came time for his toast. He did more of a roast (which was a little uncomfortable because hubby''s and my co-workers were in attendance) instead of a heart-felt monologue or anything complimentary. If my dad and I had a joking around kind of relationship, a roast would be good, but our relationship is so delicate that I just had a hard time understanding why he chose that as his toast to his first daughter on her wedding day. I didn''t do an official dance with my father (he hates dancing) but my dad, my mom, hubby, and I found ourselves on the dance floor at the same time at one point. My mom asked to dance with hubby and my dad said: "well, I guess we should dance". So he awkwardly danced with me for few verses and then said: "I''ll let you dance with _hubby_ now."

My sister/bridesmaid is a bit of a wild one so I''m not ENTIRELY surprised by her behavior but I am a bit hurt. You see, she got drunk at the reception (that was to be expected) and ended up ditching my reception right after dinner to go party at the wedding reception held in the next ballroom. Unfortunately, she had forgotten that the bridal party toasts were scheduled to go on right after dinner so that the staff could bring in the chocolate fountain (we were doing a chocolate fountain instead of a cake). She was gone for and hour and half. My other bridesmaid and one of the groomsmen decided to go find her. There was a coffee bar, so we waited a bit for my sister to come back. Twenty minutes into waiting for my sister, the photographers asked hubby and me if we could do some pictures while we waited. After pictures, we came back to find many people had left.

We decided to go ahead and do the fountain thing. A few minutes later, my sister returns. She sloshes through her speech and winds up ditching again later that evening to return to the other wedding reception. NOTE: I''m not really angry with my sister but I am annoyed that she couldn’t hold it together until at least after the toast.

My mom is all upset that I didn''t let her make more decisions about the wedding. Unfortunately, I feel (and had spoken to her about my feelings before) that the wedding was not really "hubby and me"... it was more her. You see, we wanted something small... maybe on the beach. My mom wanted the whole dog and pony show. We''re Catholic so we had to do the church thing but we were going to keep it small. Well, we wound up doing the dog and pony show my mom so desperately wanted, but apparently it was not up to her standards. I''m just finding this out now.

I hate being a whiner, and I have to admit that there were definitely positive elements about the wedding as well (namely marrying my wonderful, fantastic hubby), but I just hate feeling so sad and upset when I reflect on the wedding. I try to focus on the positive but I end up switching to the negative. I can''t watch the wedding video without getting upset (my dad''s roast is on there). Maybe one day I''ll feel better about it. Right?

 

[fieryred33143]

Yes, one day you will move past this. There will come a day when you’ll laugh and reminisce on your crazy sister getting slammed or the way your father awkwardly danced. Remember that at the end of the day, there is nothing that you can do to change everyone’s behavior at the wedding. But you ended up with something much greater than the flowers and the cake and the whole show…a husband that loves you.

 

[HollyS]

Yes, you''ll move past it. But, I''m sorry that your family let you down . . . and they did.

Every LIW and bride-to-be should take note: if you can afford to pay for your own wedding, do it; then you can have it your way. Don''t have your mother''s wedding. Don''t worry about a ''sometimes'' daddy who would be hurt if you didn''t include him. Don''t ask your sisters just because they''re sisters. (If everyone expected my sister to get drunk, she would not be in my wedding.) Above all else, this wedding is about the start of a precious union between your husband and you. It is all about the two of you. It is not up to you to arrange the day for the comfort and happiness of your family. Don''t have their wedding; have your wedding.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Hey, Aprilcait,

I just want to say that I''m really sorry that the negative parts of the day are affecting your overall feeling about your wedding...I can certainly understand why your father''s behavior (specifically the toast/roast), your sister''s inability to stay sober for her speech and your mother''s comments about wishing she''d been more included in the planning are so frustrating for you.

Though I loved my wedding, there were some things that occurred that day that made me very sad and very angry. I wanted to have a really great, fun, relaxed day, you know? And many parts of it were, but there will always be a mixture of happiness and a tinge of sadness when I remember the day. I didn''t want to complain about it because I didn''t want to make the people who upset me feel even worse, so I sort of kept it inside. When I finally told a friend about how I felt, she confided that there were many thing about her wedding day that upset her, too. I''ll never forget what she said: "Sh*t happens. Even on your wedding day."

So the only thing I can suggest is the only thing that works for me and that is to remember all of the great moments of the day. It was a beautifull day and I have learned to laugh at some of the memories, I don''t know if the hurt will ever completely dissipate. I wish I could tell you it would, but I don''t know. I just hope you can remember what the day was about and try to take the imperfections along with the really great parts. I''m not sure if the "perfect" wedding day ever exists.

Hugs to you, I hope you feel better!

 

[aprilcait]

Thank you FieryRed, HollyS, and NewEnglandLady! All of you made very good points that I will take to heart. Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement!

 

[doodle]

aw honey, i''m so sorry that your day wasn''t what you dreamt it would be, but like others said, you got a great husband who loves you out of that day, so focus on that. and if a year or several from now, you''re still feeling badly about it, renew your vows in a ceremony like the wedding YOU wanted--the good memories from that just might make the bad memories from your wedding fade away. sh!t happens, ya know? the goal for the day was to unite you and your husband into one family, and that''s exactly what happened, so poo on the rest of your family--you''ve got a better one now.

 

[Pandora II]

I''m so sorry - hopefully venting here will get it out of your system and then you can look forwards and concentrate on the new family that you and your DH have ahead of you.

What is a ''roast'' by the way? What exactly did he say?

 

[aprilcait]

Doodle, you''re right... I got a great hubby out of it all.

Pandora, a roast is a kind of sarcastic toast where the person being toasted is jokingly made fun of instead of flattered (and usually the jokes cross the line a tad). In the U.S. it''s becoming pretty common to have celebrity roasts on TV.

 

[decodelighted]

Agh! I''m sorry you''re having wedding flashbacks & feeling sad about parts of the day. As I get older I''m more & more sure that managing expectations is key! The people at your wedding are the same flawed, socially awkward individuals they are *the rest of the time*.

SOMETIMES people can "rise to the occasion" but its RARE and def. not to be "expected." Accepting people as they are and loving them anyway, even when they disappoint you is a pre-requesite for getting hitched, no?

I will say ... in case it helps at all ... that even gals with GREAT relationships with their Dad''s don''t always get that "ideal" end of aisle moment. My dad walked me ... and just kinda handed me over ... I don''t even remember a hug or words or anything. I haven''t really checked the videotape! HA! But here''s the thing -- my dad was nervous, I was nervous ... we''re not so mushy a family either. He''d walked two sisters before me, so had practice but ... it was what it was. Here''s the thing: I didn''t expect any thing other than that. I didn''t really know WHAT to expect. I love my Dad & he loves me but we''ve never been good at having "moments". We had one on the beach this xmas and it was such a surprise I''ll always cherish it. But they just can''t be planned or happen on a timetable yanno? Even on "big days". Even with people you love.

Something to think about??? HUGS!

 

[aprilcait]

Good points, Deco!

 

[Pandora II]

LOL deco, I know just what you mean about fathers!

My father is likely to be more nervous than I am - especially as he has the long speech to do after dinner...

When my sister got married I''ve never seen anyone march their daughter up the aisle and hand her over so fast!

Although we''re very close, I''m not a tactile person except with FI, and I''m not hoping for any more than for him to walk me down the aisle at a reasonably dignified pace!

 

[purrfectpear]

Well ladies there is one thing we can learn about these bummer moments...make sure that your husband does better when he becomes the dad that walks your daughter down the aisle. Make him practice or drill him or whatever, cause you know you don't want your daughter to have the same disappointment

If you have more than one child, wild or not, sit them down and explain that there will NOT be any drunken moments at their siblings weddings. Just for ONE friggin day they are expected to hold it all together, and if they don't then they can expect some pretty frosty relations with mom and dad afterwards.

I'm an only child so I have no siblings, but unless I was an actual alcoholic who had no control, I cannot imagine getting drunk, sloppy, and ditching my sister or brother at their one special day. That is honestly the most selfish thing I think I've heard. Selfish and pretty darn pathetic too. No wonder you feel sad about it.

I'm so sorry that it occurred. There's really no excuse.

Hopefully time will heal, but can soooo understand that it will take some time.

 

[Laurie2]

My heart ached when I read your story. I totally understand your feelings about wanting a smaller wedding. My FI and I are marrying two weeks from today and it will be a private ceremony at a chapel. My family gave me all kinds of grief not doing a bigger affair. So I totally understand. I agree with the others, give it some time and I''m sure you will laugh about it one day. Your married to the person you want to spend your life with, that''s what''s important. That being said I don''t blame you for being upset with your family members.

 

[Sabine]

Sending hugs your way, aprilcait! I''m sorry that you had to deal with this unpleasantness on your wedding day, and I think a lot of the girls posted some good advice about how they got through their own disappointments.

But I wanted to say, thank you for posting this. I know I''ve immersed myself in this world of wedding wonderfulness, and it''s so easy to get caught up in wanting things to be perfect and imagining that they actually will be. I have a feeling a lot of times, weddings are not the perfect days we make them out to be. I''ve been getting anxious about my day, almost like I will feel like a failure if things do not come together the way I planned. Like there''s a stigma about the wedding not being the absolute 100% best, perfect, happiest day of your life. Yes, it is wonderful to be MARRIED, but bringing all those people together, there are bound to be tensions and problems.

I really hope you can get through this and be happy about your wedding, but even if you never look back on the wedding day and see it as wonderful, at least you will be able to see your marriage that way!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Focus on the positive and remember you have a lovely hubby now.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I don''t think you''re whining, personally. If I were you I''d be upset as well. I don''t care if you didn''t expect more from your sister or Dad, but you had every right to. I would have expected more. I am sorry the wedding didn''t end up like you had hoped. It sounds rather unlike you had hoped/dreamed. Maybe, one day you and FI can renew your vows at a small beach ceremony. Anyway, you''ll probably never move 100% past it because well to be honest it can''t be redone; however, I do think you''ll start to see more of the positives as time go on. For example, you are now married!!

So here''s some ((hugs!)) and feel free to vent any time of course, you have every right to be upset just don''t let it get you so down that you don''t enjoy being married.

 

[appletini]

Think of it this way, at least you will have an interesting story to tell your kids when they get married. And throw out that video, if it upsets you that much. Most importantly you get to spend the rest of your life with the man of your dreams.

I''m not close with my father, so I didn''t ask him to actively participate in the wedding, this was a bit of sore spot with my grandma (she raised me, and he''s her son), and she was so worried about what people would think if he didn''t walk me the down the aisle, and I told her they wouldn''t think anything, they would think it was wierd if he did, since he has chosen not to be a part of my life. Anyway...long story short...I asked my grandma to walk me down the aisle b/c she''s been more of a parent than my parents, and deserves that honor more than anyone.

 

[aprilcait]

Purrfectpear, Laurie2, Sabine, Iwannaprettyone, Sarahlovesjs, and Appletini, thank you so much for your kind words, advice, and support! I really appreciate being able to vent here.

I've shared my thoughts about the wedding with hubby and, understandably, he gets a bit hurt when I say that I feel sad and upset when I reflect on our wedding day. Honestly, it would probably would hurt my feelings too if hubby ever told me that he had a negative view of our wedding day. So, part of me just wants to pretend that I'm A-OK so that hubby doesn't see that I'm upset. However, we have a strict policy of being completely open with one another and I don't want to go against that. Still, I just want to power through this sad stage (I'm hoping and praying this is just a stage... a short stage) so that I can get to the healing, happy part.

Thank you so much for all of your support!

 

[swimmer]

Aprilcait, I just want to give you a huge hug. And then strangle your sister. Not kidding.
I''m so sorry your mom was down on you after the fact, (I think its called Monday quarterback when you second guess something afterwards when there is really no point?), but it might seem to your DH that you are doing the same. Put the video away and watch it in a few years, it will hopefully look different to you in the future and you don''t want to lose it. So sorry that your dad isn''t the most responsive, how awesome that you found a DH who is very different! You look so very happy to be getting married in your photos!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Many of SO's friends and family members have married over the past few years because we are at 'that age'. During the weekend of the most recent wedding, numerous relatives/spouses commented on how they were rather disappointed with how their big day turned out. Common themes were the stress, the pressure to please everyone else, hardly seeing their spouse the day of, etc. I think we might just do a destination wedding or keep it smaller, after hearing that.

So I'm not sure if it's of any comfort but you're not alone, by any means. And it's helpful for brides-to-be because it's a reminder that things can and will go wrong on the big day.


And I don't intend for this to sound trite or as though I'm belittling the way you feel, because I'm definitely not. But, whenever I get down about my LIW-ness, I think of how lucky & happy I am to have SO and that helps me a bit. You may not have had the wedding you wanted, but you have the husband you want and you can have the marriage you want. Again, not minimizing the wedding disappointment, though, because I think it's common and perfectly valid. Just my two cents.

 

[wishful]

Awww..I'm so sorry all of that happened on your special day. That sucks.
There was another thread on LIW asking what kind of wedding people want. Mine was "low key maybe in Hawaii with no guests!" lol.. and reading your post is why.
I too have a sister with high "slosh potential" and although I don't have a bad relationship at all with my parents - we are not super close so I'd feel weird with the walking down the isle, first dance and toasts and all that. It's just not me.

Anyway...just relating to your situation. I can understand how you feel. Maybe in a year you can do a renewal of your vows and make it just how you want it!

 

[diamondfan]

That stinks. Unfortunately family is not always so wonderful on our big day, or other times. And if we accept that, things get a bit easier. At least one is not likely to be disappointed by them. I find if I do not expect things I am not let down as much. Though of course it still stinks and hurts.

ETA: I agree with Kaleigh. Of course it would have been great to have it be perfect, but in the scheme of your lives together it will not be foremost on your mind. And maybe you will be able to laugh about it someday!

 

[Kaleigh]

I''m sorry, that stinks, your Dad wasn''t able to give you a proper toast, and your sister let you down by getting sloshed.

Here comes the BUT, you have a wonderful husband, will have a great life together. A wedding is just the beginning, you''ll have many great times ahead. I had a nice wedding, but honestly after 21 years of marriage, it''s not the day I think about most. It''s a blip on my radar screen. The days our children were born were the most memorable, at least to us. And the fun that we have had as a couple and as a family. You''ll see that the more you are together. But I feel your pain now.

Renewing your vows down the road sounds like a great idea.

 

[waterlilly]

I'm so sorry you have sad feelings about your day!

They will pass. One very happy thing - is that none of these negative feelings involve your new husband.

We can't choose our relatives...but you can choose - as you did, who you want to start your own family with. Try to learn as much as you can from this situation and use it to make you and your husbands lives and relationship stronger and better for having experienced it.

I seem to hear a LOT of people who have very mixed feelings and emotions about their wedding day - you certainly should not feel alone in your experience. Television/media weddings are not real life - things don't always go perfectly, and many people don't talk about the negative...but it happens - you are not alone!

I hope you feel better about it soon!

 

[iheartscience]

I''m sorry your family let you down. I just wanted to say that I don''t think you''re whining at all-you have every right to be upset and hurt.

I do have one idea, though-why don''t you send the video back to the videographer and get the toast/roast edited out of your wedding video? There''s no need for you to have that unhappy reminder on your video. Just an idea...I know it won''t make you forget, but at least you won''t have to relive it again every time you see the video!

 

[Independent Gal]

Sweety, if you had come on here and said "My wedding makes me cry because the flowers were the wrong shade!" or "because the cake was all wrong!" or "because my dress got stained!" I would have been all

. But the things that you describe are things that MATTER. They are incidents where people you really love really let you down. If I were you, I''d feel horribly sad about these things too.

Are you the sort of family that can talk it out? Can you tell your sister how much she hurt you by her selfish behaviour (be gentle, so she listens, and make it about your feelings, rather than her behaviour, if you see what I mean). Or maybe you can hash things out with your dad? I did that, years and years ago... just had it out with my dad one day because I was sick of our tenuous and difficult relationship. It was one of the best things I ever did. If your dad is the type to listen, I highly recommend it.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

so sorry that you had to go through that....i would probably feel the same exact way.

maybe just you and your hubby could do something on the beach....just the two of you together....to symbolize the kind of wedding you wanted and to try to put the negative things that happened aside? maybe then when you think of your "wedding" you can think of your time with your awesome hubby alone on the beach instead of the things that happened at the pony show.

just an idea....to try to change how you think about it...but like everyone said, the most important thing is the love of your hubby now...try to put those things that were out of your control behind and focus on your new life together with him

 

[aprilcait]

Swimmer, Absolut Blonde, Wishful, Diamondfan, Kaleigh, Waterlilly, Thing2of2, Independent Gal, and DMBFiredancer, thank you for the kind words, support, and advice! I really appreciate it.

Independent Gal, regarding your question about whether my family is a "talk about it" family...unfortunately we''re not. It would be absolutely fabulous (and way more functional) if we were, though, and you''re suggestion was quite good. My sister is one of those very sensitive people who, when you mention something that''s not necessarily in agreement with or complimentary to her, she kind of flies off the handle a bit. My Dad... it''s just not really worth it to me to mention it to him. I mean, even if he apologizes, that''s not going to fix things or make it better. (Ooo, was that me admitting that I hold grudges? Shame on me! I know, I know... big personal flaw.) Perhaps I''ll nicely, softly mention it to my sister, though.

We just got the pictures from the photographers this morning (about 4,000 pictures... can you say picture-happy high?!?!) and looking through all of those images is reminding me of some of the very good things about the day. Of course those unpleasant things did occur, but I''m trying to shove them to the back-burner and focus on the good stuff. Hooray for pictures!

 

[Harleigh]

I''m so sorry you''re feeling this way, April...I have the same fears about my own father, and my mom is worse, so it makes me want to break out into hives! I don''t have any advice for you, but I''m guessing that you''ll learn how to move on from here and get past it in some way.

I could say that maybe having an honest conversation with these family members might make you feel better, but if my familial experiences are any indication, it won''t do you any good and you''ll probably end up feeling worse.

Just wanted to let you know I feel your pain, and I''m sorry you''re having to deal with this. Hang in there...sending hugs your way!

 

[bem3231]

Hi aprilcait -

I''m sort of coming late to this but your post touched me and made me think of some advice that the revered who is marrying us passed onto me when we first met him. He told us to just remember that everyone will experience our wedding day in their own way, and that that''s not something that we can control, no matter how hard we try. We can do our best with the planning, etc. to set the stage for everything and everyone to be perfect, but in the end the only thing that we can control is how we experience our wedding day, and that''s the most important thing.

I thought that this was pretty sage advice. It''s helped me shift my perspective in preparing for our July 26th wedding, and maybe it might help you to shift your perspective in reflecting on your special day.