vegan teen help

[TooPatient]

I don't want to sound unsupportive or like I have a problem with vegans. I'm fine with those who choose to be and was even a vegetarian myself for some years.

Some of you probably have seen that we just added a 13 (as of yesterday!) year old girl to our home. About a month ago, she decided that she is now vegan. This all started when a woman showed her a "documentary" that said meat is the cause of all illness and if you quit eating meat you'll never get sick.

Anyway, this 13 year old has grabbed hold of "vegan" as a way to have some control in her life. SO and I have been as supportive as we can manage and have gone out of our way to cook nice balanced vegan meals. "A" had been in a house where she was allowed to eat essentially all fruit with a bit of dried pasta tossed in her diet. She doesn't understand balancing nutrients and all that. I've been trying to teach her, but she still isn't eating as healthy of a diet as she should. (by far!)

She doesn't eat many veggies. I've been trying an assortment of veggies and cooking methods. Very little luck. She had been a big meat eater. She loves beef & lamb. I could get her to eat all sorts of veggies and stuff if I served it with meat. Now I'm lucky if I can get her to eat an orange and 1/2 slice of toast.

Any ideas on how to get her to let go of "vegan" without pushing her to hold on tighter? This isn't healthy for her.


It is clearly a control thing. I took her down to the deli for lunch today and as we were leaving she asked if I was surprised she made it this long. (she grabbed a yogurt for lunch today and had sour cream potato chips yesterday)


Do we cook our own meals and let her eat the veggies/beans/rice sides?
Do we cook our own meals and tell her that she can cook what she wants?
Maybe cook up thick juicy steaks while she has a vegan sausage?

 

[that_someone_special]

Being completely honest... That sounds like the beginnings of an eating disorder, not a vegan.

 

[enbcfsobe]

ditto. esp since eating disorders seem to often stem from feeling that lack of control.

that said, it could be that she just isn't adventurous. my BIL is a vegetarian who doesn't eat vegetables or anything with more seasoning than S&P because he's just an inflexible person who refuses to expand his horizons. at 13 she may be resistant but isn't beyond being influenced to be more open. does she have any interest in cooking? if so maybe work on picking out some recipies from moosewood or another good vegetarian or vegan cookbook resource and see if you can get her invested in cooking something yummy and nutritious for the whole fam? i think kids are less likely to reject food they've prepared, plus this gives her ultimate control for that meal. if you can get her to eat vegan "meat" that is soy based that would help with the protein. what about middle eastern food like falafel or hummus or babaganoush that make beans & veg feel more like a snack? or protein-rich grains like quinoa that can sub for rice/pasta but pack way better nutrients in? or avocado? some of that stuff is pretty low-maintenance in terms of cooking and prep and might be worth trying. also maybe its worth a visit to a nutritist or dietician to talk about what types of things she needs to include and help you both come up with creative ways to work those things into her diet. perhaps hearing it from someone other than you would help her feel like those decisions were more her own.

 

[TooPatient]

Being completely honest... That sounds like the beginnings of an eating disorder, not a vegan.

That is my feeling. She's a size 0.
5'4" (maybe a smidge more) and 105lbs.

I found a composition book that was in the stack of stuff we were going through and she had started recording her body measurements there. Only one entry, but still concerning given the rest.

 

[TooPatient]

ditto. esp since eating disorders seem to often stem from feeling that lack of control.

that said, it could be that she just isn't adventurous. my BIL is a vegetarian who doesn't eat vegetables or anything with more seasoning than S&P because he's just an inflexible person who refuses to expand his horizons. at 13 she may be resistant but isn't beyond being influenced to be more open. does she have any interest in cooking? if so maybe work on picking out some recipies from moosewood or another good vegetarian or vegan cookbook resource and see if you can get her invested in cooking something yummy and nutritious for the whole fam? i think kids are less likely to reject food they've prepared, plus this gives her ultimate control for that meal. if you can get her to eat vegan "meat" that is soy based that would help with the protein. what about middle eastern food like falafel or hummus or babaganoush that make beans & veg feel more like a snack? or protein-rich grains like quinoa that can sub for rice/pasta but pack way better nutrients in? or avocado? some of that stuff is pretty low-maintenance in terms of cooking and prep and might be worth trying. also maybe its worth a visit to a nutritist or dietician to talk about what types of things she needs to include and help you both come up with creative ways to work those things into her diet. perhaps hearing it from someone other than you would help her feel like those decisions were more her own.

I've been having her help pick recipes and do as much in the kitchen as possible. Got to try to get her to do even more. She still barely nibbles anything.
We love Middle Eastern foods. Been doing lots of that so she's got the beans/veggie combinations. Also have fake-meat stuff. Quinoa she wouldn't eat. Hummus she didn't even bother to try.

A dietician is a good idea. I'd been thinking about hauling her to the doctor and hoping they mention.

She's been told by a family member that she has "the perfect body" and "if I had a body like that, I'd show off as much skin as possible".

It has been a bit better the last couple of days. If it doesn't get lots better soon, I think I need to take her to hear about the dangers of malnutrition so that she can learn what is needed to be a healthy vegan if that is what she wants to do.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

First of all...Congratulations!

Secondly of all...yes, a nutritionist, and maybe a therapist. that sounds like an eating disorder.

Since you are doing vegan cookbooks/cooking/quinoa, say meat (though I would avoid too much soy), etc. and she still isn't eating (try coconut milk ice cream, it's delish ) it sounds like more than just veganism.

If it's a control thing and/or meat is freaky thing (which I can totally understand as I stopped eating meat when I was 16 and now at 34 just started occasionally trying chicken) maybe you could get her hooked on free range/organic/humanely raised/CSA/local meat?

 

[mia1181]

I re-read your post a couple of times but didn't see how you came to the conclusion that this is a method for her to assert control. What has she done to indicate that? Did she say something?

The thing with teenagers is that about 99.9% of what they do is a means to get some control over their life, assert their independence, and establish an identity. I think many teens try out the vegetarian thing as a way to "express themselves." I think vegan is become much more trendy lately. I also know of several adults who saw that documentary and have gone vegan as a result (was it Forks Over Knives or something like that?) and teens are just so impressionable.

I am not at all trying to downplay your concerns, or say that this is definitely not an eating disorder but I would also try to look for other signs. When I was her age I was about the same size as her and used to drink Slimfast shakes because my friends were. I had no reason to diet but it was just something I wanted to do and I never really had body image issues. Of the girls I know who have battled with anorexia they usually ate a lot of fruit and veggies. Part of the control for them was being able to eat stuff that didn't taste as great because it was lower calories. My friends with bulimia ate just like me for the most part but threw it up. Does she work out a lot?

I don't think this is a battle you can win with her because she believes it is a part of who she is or that it is unhealthy or inhumane to eat animal products. For whatever reason, this issue is very important to her. What you can do is take her to a nutritionist. You can take her to someone who can explain the importance of a balanced diet, vegan or not. Have you taken her somewhere like Whole Foods where she can get vegan junk food? Will she eat that? Imitation meat? I know a vegan diet is pricey but I think it will help you see if she really cares about the vegan lifestyle or if she thinks it will just help her lose weight. I think the nutritionist would be really helpful in figuring out a plan for family meals as well.

I personally don't believe that children or teens should dictate the family meal and I am really opposed to everyone eating different things. I think the family meal should include some variety so everyone has something to eat but if they don't like what's available they are free to skip the meal. You are not a short order cook. That being said, if you have real concerns about her weight you have to decide whether she will break down and get hungry enough to eat, and teens can be really stubborn. If this is just a phase however, a few vegan dishes during meals aren't going to hurt anyone. What about having her plan a meal according to her tastes or helping prepare dinner?

Teens are tough! Good luck!

 

[TooPatient]

Bella -- not a meat is freaky thing. She LOVES meat. Her approach is to turn away from any meat she likes and start talking about the most disgusting things she can think of so that she doesn't get tempted to eat any.

Mia -- that is the "documentary". I do think she'll outgrow it when she's ready. I'm just concerned the harm she may do to herself until then. I suspect eating disorder because she barely nibbles anything no matter how carefully vegan it is or how involved in planning/cooking she was. She doesn't like most veggies and has been trying to stick to almost all fruit. She suggested that dinner tomorrow could be just fruit salad. There have also been comments she's made that left me feeling something is off. The same woman who showed her that movie also told her that the diseases that aren't caused by meat are caused by grains. For a couple of weeks, she tried to eat completely vegan without even grains. We've at least got her past that part. (she was also refusing nuts at the time because so many people are allergic she didn't want to get used to eating stuff she couldn't have around other people)
We go to Whole Foods almost daily with her and try to keep the kitchen full of stuff that is vegan. Mostly stuff she's said she likes but never goes near after we buy. I've got a book I want her to read (she loves reading) that goes into detail about nutrients. It covers what the body needs, where it comes from, and the consequences of having too much or not enough of each. I keep telling her that so long as she is making an effort to eat a balanced diet, we will be supportive of her choice and do the best we can to help her.

 

[swingirl]

Oatmeal, stir-fried vegetables, cereal, toast, peanut butter on whole wheat bread, frozen fruit desserts, lentil soup, salad bar items like chickpeas and three bean salad, dates, apples, macaroni, fruit smoothies, popcorn, whole-wheat spaghetti, vegetarian baked beans, guacamole, chili, Tofu lasagna, homemade pancakes without eggs, hummus, eggless cookies, soy ice cream, tempeh, corn chowder, soy yogurt, rice pudding, fava beans, banana muffins, spinach pies, oat nut burgers, falafel, corn fritters, French toast made with soy milk, soy hot dogs, vegetable burgers, bean tacos without the lard and cheese (available from Taco Bell).

This is a big selection and it doesn't seem too difficult to include some of these in your regular meals without making a big deal out of it. If you have a lot of vegan foods available and not make an issue over what she eats I think you will remove any control issue (if there is one). I grew up before "eating disorders" existed. I was slim (5'7", 110-115 lbs) naturally. I just didn't eat a lot and was very active. There are people who are naturally thin and light eaters. My daughter is the same only taller. She constantly gets questioned about having an eating disorder (which annoys her to no end) and has to put up with a lot of rude comments. My son is very thin, too, (6'2", 145 lb) and no one asks him if he is anorexic.

Most of my friends tried some diet around that age and eventually gave it up. It was trendy to become a vegetarian in the 1960s. We didn't know anything about what was healthy and quite frankly it has changed so much over the years that even what they thought was healthy then, today is not!

My suggestion is to offer vegan items, talk about why the item is healthful (vitamins not calories) and not try to change her. Good luck.

 

[TooPatient]

Oatmeal, stir-fried vegetables, cereal, toast, peanut butter on whole wheat bread, frozen fruit desserts, lentil soup, salad bar items like chickpeas and three bean salad, dates, apples, macaroni, fruit smoothies, popcorn, whole-wheat spaghetti, vegetarian baked beans, guacamole, chili, Tofu lasagna, homemade pancakes without eggs, hummus, eggless cookies, soy ice cream, tempeh, corn chowder, soy yogurt, rice pudding, fava beans, banana muffins, spinach pies, oat nut burgers, falafel, corn fritters, French toast made with soy milk, soy hot dogs, vegetable burgers, bean tacos without the lard and cheese (available from Taco Bell).

This is a big selection and it doesn't seem too difficult to include some of these in your regular meals without making a big deal out of it. If you have a lot of vegan foods available and not make an issue over what she eats I think you will remove any control issue (if there is one). I grew up before "eating disorders" existed. I was slim (5'7", 110-115 lbs) naturally. I just didn't eat a lot and was very active. There are people who are naturally thin and light eaters. My daughter is the same only taller. She constantly gets questioned about having an eating disorder (which annoys her to no end) and has to put up with a lot of rude comments. My son is very thin, too, (6'2", 145 lb) and no one asks him if he is anorexic.

Most of my friends tried some diet around that age and eventually gave it up. It was trendy to become a vegetarian in the 1960s. We didn't know anything about what was healthy and quite frankly it has changed so much over the years that even what they thought was healthy then, today is not!

My suggestion is to offer vegan items, talk about why the item is healthful (vitamins not calories) and not try to change her. Good luck.

Sorry to hear your daughter gets asked those questions. I don't know how old she is, but that seems like something that people should quietly discuss with her parents if they are concerned rather than bringing up to her! There are so many body types out there. I don't like the BMI or any of those things that try to define "normal". My concern is not so much where her body weight is right this minute, but her attitude about food and periodic comments about wanting to eat less. She isn't sickly thin right now but she certainly shouldn't be attempting to lose weight.

Thanks for some additional meal suggestions! This is pretty much what we've been doing. We always cook meals with a couple of veggie sides anyway, so I've just started doing a lot more veggie/bean main dishes. Last night was the first time in a month that we cooked a main dish that wasn't vegan with her around and I made sure to have a nice alternative for her as well (her choice of several main dishes that were compatible with planned sides and method of cooking).

Does the French toast work out well without being dipped in egg? I've been trying to figure out a good way to make that for her but wasn't sure it would hold together. We do stay away from any mention of calories to her. I've found it helpful to explain WHY we've got certain dishes served at the same meal and what benefit certain foods provide her body. She usually makes some effort to at least eat a couple of bites when something is explained that way.

Have you tried almond icecream? It is wonderful!

 

[VRBeauty]

I don't have kids and can't really address the teenager and/or eating disorder aspect of this. However, I have a few thoughts about the vegan aspect since my best friend has been a vegan for many years now.

You might check around to see if there is a vegetarian or vegan society in your area. My BF was president of his for several years - they have monthly or more meetings and potlucks. Their discussions seem to be equally divided between the "why's" of the vegan lifestyle and the "how's" - i.e, nutrition. You could join with her and go to functions with her to sweeten the pot.

If your budget allows, splurge on the occasional meal at a vegetarian or vegan restaurant. She'll get to experience alternatives to fruit plates! You should be able to find some lists on-line.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Yup. Most teenagers who become "vegan" are just using it as an excuse nto to eat. That's what I did!

 

[decodelighted]

Her comment to you about "are you surprised I've lasted this long" makes me think that this is as much about ATTENTION as it is about veganism or control.

I also agree about not tailoring your family's meals around her passing fad. Does anyone thing if you pay LESS attention to her antics that she'll eventually give up?

 

[Haven]

I agree that teens often "try on" different identities just to see which one fits best. When I taught high school I saw kids go from being depressed goths to vegan tree-huggers to tail-wearing-anime-fans within one school year. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about eating disorders just yet.

As for pushing her away from veganism, I do know the quickest way to make a teen even more passionate about something is to try to dissuade her from caring about it.

In my house we either ate what the family was eating, or we went hungry. We had the option of making our own meals, of course. This is why I remained a vegetarian until age 19--I was too lazy to make my own food, so tofu and quinoa it was!

 

[decodelighted]

She's been told by a family member that she has "the perfect body" and "if I had a body like that, I'd show off as much skin as possible".

This is terribly concerning to me too. WHO in the WORLD would say that to a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD? Answer: pedophile. Is it possible she's been abused or has grown to think of her only "value" as her physical form/body/looks etc?

Another idea is to REPLACE the focus on food/diet etc with SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY. What's that they say about habits? You don't quit something, you replace it with something else? Maybe you could encourage her in hobbies you enjoy - or probe to see things she is interested in other than food. Giving her many opportunities to SHIFT HER FOCUS could be clutch.

 

[pancake]

I have worked extensively with adolescents with eating disorders, and I have to say - this is a pretty typical story. Does she seem preoccupied with food or exercise in other ways? Eg. does she read cookbooks or want to cook for others? Does she exercise when she thinks nobody is looking?

I think you need to have her assessed by a specialist. It is absolutely a control thing, as you suggested, and it is her way of self-soothing - bringing things into her rigid control because she feels like things are OUT of control at a deep psychological level.

 

[JulieN]

I just wanted to say about her weight: 5'4" and 105 lbs is fine. Size 0 is not unusual in 13 yo girls. Get her to pop a multivitamin and a calcium supplement, calcium needs are higher in the teen years. A fiber supplement, also, is always a good idea. 5'4" and 90 lbs would be a different story.

About the rest of her behavior, I don't know.

 

[TooPatient]

Thanks all for the continued advice and suggestions! We're all learning and settling in together. There has been so much going on over the last two weeks!

We stopped for lunch Friday and she (knowingly) ate a pasta salad with cheese. She did the same again at the dinner we went to Friday night. By the bar mitzvah Saturday, she was happily eating spanikopita and willing to make "an exception" for the holiday challah I will be baking. Saturday afternoon, she announced that she is no longer a vegan and "when can we have steak for dinner?!?"

I'm still concerned about the small amounts she is eating. She seems to not be used to having three actual meals each day. We are working at getting her adjusted to regular meal times (with small healthy snacks as appropriate) and I am teaching her about the body's needs and how to balance what she is eating.

We didn't make a big deal of any of it. When we were getting food, I simply let her know if stuff had dairy and left it at that. Her choice to eat or not eat. No "I told you so" or anything when she said she was done with it. Just a simple answer to her question. (we had steaks on Tuesday and she managed to eat about 1 lb of ribeye )


Oh -- I think a lot of this is from incorrect information. She said yesterday that the stomach is only the size of a walnut so you should only eat very little. She also thinks that if you have a large dinner (the steak) that your body doesn't need any food again until the next dinner.
(I'm getting accurate information to let her read!)