shape
carat
color
clarity

Values and Beliefs

clarity1264

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 6, 2022
Messages
25
When I was younger, in my teens, I didn’t have the same values or beliefs that I do now. Being older, I know realize the importance of trust, respect, and kindness. I know these traits aren’t common these days, which makes relationships and forgiveness harder. I’m curious what others have to say or what their opinions are on on this, or people who have dealt with people like this. I know personally, that my actions and words prior to who I am now were harmful and toxic. I have since, getting older and coming to all of these realizations, have a hard time practicing forgiveness and patience. However, I am also aware that actions and words don’t always necessarily reflect the relationships people have with each other. As both an abuser and victim of each of these scenarios, I realized that trauma is a huge factor in how people respond to each other. Yet, it is still hard for me to offer grace to the ones I have felt wronged me. However, when I was recovering from being an abuser, I found that in order to change I first needed to change my thoughts as the reason why I would hurt the people I cared about in my life was because my thoughts and actions turning into behaviors. As someone who practiced these toxic behaviors, but also experienced harm from the actions and behaviors of others do you think it is possibly to forgive and also practice forgiveness? To me, I often have a hard trusting that people are capable of changing due to their consistent harmful behaviors. Yet, I have seen it happen and have experienced it happening. As a victim of abuse, but also the abuser I am not only trying to change and gain forgiveness, but also practice it. If you are a victim, or an abuser how would you respond to either your perpetrator or victim of abuse? As an abuser, I have not yet reached out to my victims as I don’t want to cause them distress nor make them think the cycle of my abuse if starting over again. Yet, I also wish to make amends as my behaviors have changed and seeing the harm I caused. However, as a victim as well I often long for the change and possible apology from the behaviors of the people who abused me and hurt me. I want to know what everyone thinks, from both the perspective of an abuser but also the experience of the victim.
 
i have learnt for my own benifit it is better to forget and move on
if one has hate and hurt and anger in one's heart it does one no good, it drags one down, it lets in darkness
i have learnt not to waste enegry being angry
i have also learnt it is more important to be kind than to be right

and being nice is saddly an underrated character trait
 
A few lessons I have learned along the way.

One. Stay away from toxic people.
Two. Forgive (for your well being) but never forget
Three. Which is related to two.
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Amen to that.
I learn from past experiences and do not expect people to change. But I can control my behavior and actions and so I do
Four. Good things don't come easy. Life is hard. But worth it.
Five. Life is a journey not a destination. Enjoy each day and be grateful for each moment. Live in the moment.
Six. Live and let live...do as you please as long as you do not affect others negatively
Seven. Give more than you take.
Eight. Don't let the fear of failure keep you from trying. You cannot succeed without failing occasionally. We usually only regret the things we did not do. Not the things we did
Nine. If you see something bad happening do something. Do not be a bystander. Take action. We have an obligation to stand up for what is right
Ten. Be flexible. Life changes in an instant. We cannot control everything but we can control how we react. Things won't always go our way. Roll with it and make the best of it
 
Hi,
I would keep it simple. Do not expect any reactions from those who are the abused or from those you think you abused.
But, start with those you abused. Tell the person you are doing some re-valuations in your life and you remembered when you called X a cheapskate and a bad mother. Say, I regret saying those things and want to say I'm sorry". Thats it. The person may accept it or not. Doesn't matter. You did your part.
Keep going down your list. Do not expect accolades from people.. Just say you're sorry.

For those that abused you its harder. It almost becomes a confrontation. It should be handled on a case by case basis and thought through.

You are off to a good start. Just say it simply and mean it.

Annette
 
Your level of self-awareness is commendable.

What I have found is that I can forgive toxic people from afar. Once I have space and no contact, I can reflect on the dynamic and relationship and process my feelings without becoming triggered. Often, I realize there were certain behaviors present beforehand that I ignored (I was raised in a very abusive family and boundaries and trusting myself has been a struggle). I find that many times after self reflection, I become upset with myself for not putting up boundaries sooner. In the end, I need to protect and advocate for myself. Someone that can't handle our "no" needs to be someone kept at a distance right away.

I am not sure what type of behavior you inflicted and I think it depends on the context, severity and length of abuse. My last semester of grad school, I had a roommate who was at times cruel to me. I won't go into the details but let's just say she was very antagonistic. Over a year later, she emailed me out of the blue and acknowledged her poor behavior and apologized for it. I thought it big of her. She told me to also reach out if I'm ever back in NY to meet up but I honestly have no interest in doing so. I sincerely wish her well, hold no grudge against her and am glad she moved past that dark period of her life.

I had a distant family member who abused my trust and resources. He became quite stalker-like and I had to cut him and his family members (they were fine, just wanted to cut off all avenues) off from every possible communication channel. I would prefer not to hear from him at all - even if it was for a sincere apology. He still emails me acting like nothing is wrong but I only see it when I check my spam mail. The best apology for me in this case would be his silence. What I found is not hearing from him has made me more neutral towards him. I don't think of him much and I'm not so angry and resentful when I do think of him.

I hope you find the answers you're looking for!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I find that people are so fake these days and will say nice things all the time just to save face, to create this image about themselves. Just be real folks! Better to be real and flawed than to be fake nice.
 
While no book offers the secret to life, here are a few that I believe can help us look deeper into our own lives and potentially inspire us to become the individuals we seek.

All are written by the great Admiral William H McRaven, retired Navy SEAL commander.

Make Your Bed
The Hero Code
Wisdom of the Bullfrog
 
Last edited:
It might be helpful for you to think about the factors that led you into being an abuser yourself. Really do some reflection. If you can find specific causes and give yourself some grace, perhaps you can then understand why someone else would exhibit toxic behavior and then have an easier time forgiving them. Is that empathy? I don't know.

Edit: BUT forgiveness does not mean that you need to engage with them again and be subject to their shit. It means you've freed yourself from the burden of being angry (or other negativity you might be holding on to.)
 
My beliefs? ...
I endevor to believe as many true things as possible, and as few false things as possible.
That means believing only what there is sufficient evidence for, which leaves out Santa, astrology, the tooth fairy, psychic crap, the power of crystals, supernatural anything which includes all religions since they depend on faith, not evidence.
Evidence, baby.
Evidence.

I believe 2+2=4.
Evidence: I put 2 apples on a table, then I put 2 more on the table, and I then think there are 4.
But to prove it, I count them.
One, two, three, four.
Yup, there are 4.

I'll add, it's perfectly okay to answer hard questions with, "we don't now, and we may never know."
Pretending you know when you don't is arrogance; getting others to join in is despicable. :knockout:
I don't do faith; faith us just a pretty word for pretending.
If there was sufficient evidence, they wouldn't need faith to justify belief.
When asked why do you believe that?, they'd present evidence - but they can't so they answer, faith.

My values? ...
What is best for all people, which includes myself, and our earth's future.
 
Last edited:
My beliefs? ...
I endevor to believe as many true things as possible, and as few false things as possible.
That means believing only what there is sufficient evidence for, which leaves out Santa, astrology, the tooth fairy, psychic crap, the power of crystals, supernatural anything which includes all religions since they depend on faith, not evidence.
Evidence, baby.
Evidence.

I believe 2+2=4.
Evidence: I put 2 apples on a table, then I put 2 more on the table, and I then think there are 4.
But to prove it, I count them.
One, two, three, four.
Yup, there are 4.

I'll add, it's perfectly okay to answer hard questions with, "we don't now, and we may never know."
Pretending you know when you don't is arrogance; getting others to join in is despicable. :knockout:
I don't do faith; faith us just a pretty word for pretending.
If there was sufficient evidence, they wouldn't need faith to justify belief.
When asked why do you believe that?, they'd present evidence - but they can't so they answer, faith.

My values? ...
What is best for all people, which includes myself, and our earth's future.

No one is asking you to believe in anything but please stop insulting other groups of people Kenny. You seem to be fixated on Christianity for some reason.

Btw you also have beliefs and faith in different things you just don't realise it yet. You put your faith in big pharma and it turns out it didn't stop anything from spreading, you put your faith in someone telling you X and Y, while science changes every day and a lot of theories are proven wrong later.

Maybe pick up some books, read some theology first 'cause you don't seem to grasp some of the concepts, it's much more complex than you think and it is definitely not for simple minds. Try listening to Dr. Michael Heiser he's a brillian theologian and scholar, he passed now but his talks are still on youtube, he also wrote books...

I'm recommending this because you can read without believing, just to know the subject, in a scholarly manner. It's pretty interesting if you ask me.


Also, Santa is based on Saint Nicholas, there are legends about him dating many centuries ago, look it up.
 
No one is asking you to believe in anything but please stop insulting other groups of people Kenny. You seem to be fixated on Christianity for some reason.

Btw you also have beliefs and faith in different things you just don't realise it yet. You put your faith in big pharma and it turns out it didn't stop anything from spreading, you put your faith in someone telling you X and Y, while science changes every day and a lot of theories are proven wrong later.

Maybe pick up some books, read some theology first 'cause you don't seem to grasp some of the concepts, it's much more complex than you think and it is definitely not for simple minds. Try listening to Dr. Michael Heiser he's a brillian theologian and scholar, he passed now but his talks are still on youtube, he also wrote books...

I'm recommending this because you can read without believing, just to know the subject, in a scholarly manner. It's pretty interesting if you ask me.


Also, Santa is based on Saint Nicholas, there are legends about him dating many centuries ago, look it up.

Gloria, I've no intent to insult.

The OP asked for our beliefs and values, so I posted mine.
You are free to post yours.
 
Last edited:
Gloria, I've no intent to insult.

The OP asked for our beliefs and values, so I posted mine.
You are free to post yours.

I'm only commenting 'cause it's not the first time you mention Christianity, you had a go at it multiple times on various topics.

I would not have mentioned it otherwise.
 
I'm only commenting 'cause it's not the first time you mention Christianity, you had a go at it multiple times on various topics.

I would not have mentioned it otherwise.

There was actually zero mention of Christianity? Unless santa is the new lord and saviour, the post was quite general.
 
There was actually zero mention of Christianity? Unless santa is the new lord and saviour, the post was quite general.

Correct, my bad, he cleverly did not mention it it's just implied, like on many other topics.

Can we not mention our own opinions without thrashing other peoples'?

Bloody 'ell, it's like being a vegan, wasting no opportunity to tell everyone on every topic.
 
When I was younger, in my teens, I didn’t have the same values or beliefs that I do now. Being older, I know realize the importance of trust, respect, and kindness. I know these traits aren’t common these days, which makes relationships and forgiveness harder. I’m curious what others have to say or what their opinions are on on this, or people who have dealt with people like this. I know personally, that my actions and words prior to who I am now were harmful and toxic. I have since, getting older and coming to all of these realizations, have a hard time practicing forgiveness and patience. However, I am also aware that actions and words don’t always necessarily reflect the relationships people have with each other. As both an abuser and victim of each of these scenarios, I realized that trauma is a huge factor in how people respond to each other. Yet, it is still hard for me to offer grace to the ones I have felt wronged me. However, when I was recovering from being an abuser, I found that in order to change I first needed to change my thoughts as the reason why I would hurt the people I cared about in my life was because my thoughts and actions turning into behaviors. As someone who practiced these toxic behaviors, but also experienced harm from the actions and behaviors of others do you think it is possibly to forgive and also practice forgiveness? To me, I often have a hard trusting that people are capable of changing due to their consistent harmful behaviors. Yet, I have seen it happen and have experienced it happening. As a victim of abuse, but also the abuser I am not only trying to change and gain forgiveness, but also practice it. If you are a victim, or an abuser how would you respond to either your perpetrator or victim of abuse? As an abuser, I have not yet reached out to my victims as I don’t want to cause them distress nor make them think the cycle of my abuse if starting over again. Yet, I also wish to make amends as my behaviors have changed and seeing the harm I caused. However, as a victim as well I often long for the change and possible apology from the behaviors of the people who abused me and hurt me. I want to know what everyone thinks, from both the perspective of an abuser but also the experience of the victim.

I generally prefer to leave the past in the past and focus on living the best we can today. Dwelling on historical negatives can be overwhelming and destructive sometimes.

Imo the "forgiveness" thing can easily turn into semantics. To me, it's usually more like just leave it behind and move on.
 
Last edited:
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Top